Intimacy: Today, I was having a cybersex chat with a "girl" on a website... - FML

By diddlysquat - United Kingdom

Today, I was having a cybersex chat with a "girl" on a website whilst at work. I noticed my colleague who sits next to me start cracking up with laughter. Turned out it was him I was chatting with and he was winding me up. Worst thing is it had given me a stiffy. FML

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There's no helping some people

Dementia or hate? You decide

Roommate from hell

By Anonymous - Singapore

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years proposed to me. I wasn't expecting anything too romantic, but I would have liked something more than an email from Facebook, requesting my confirmation that we were engaged. FML

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By awwshit - Canada

Today, I told the man I've been in love with for 3 years, who also happens to be my boss, how I felt. He responds by filing sexual harassment charges against me. FML

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By Joe - United States

Today, I realized that I look sexier in my fiancée's panties than she does. FML

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By secret - United States

Today, my fiancé told me it was a mistake to propose to me. FML

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By lizzardbreath - United States

Today, I went on a first date with a guy I don't know very well. He told me to dress in formal attire so I assumed he was taking me to a nice dinner. He took me to his brothers wedding, and introduced me as "the one" to his entire family. FML

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By madisonbubch - United States - Vine Grove

Today, I got home from a long day at work, hoping to just fix dinner and relax, only to find that my cat had come into the house with a rabbit, and is now stuck underneath the cabinet. FML

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By Robert - 19/11/2020 08:08

Man spitting truth bombs over here

Today, I found out my cat had died overnight at the vet's. She died alone in the dark, in a cage. Meanwhile, Donald Trump, an old, narcissistic, overweight sack of shit, survived COVID with millions of tax payer dollars in healthcare. I'd rather my cat had been the one to live; at least she made life nicer. FML

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By LindseyS - United States

FML: Uncensored

Today, I was enjoying my last day of Spring Break in Panama City. I got up to dance on the stage at the Holiday Inn in front of hundreds of college kids. I tried to be sexy by turning around and bending over. My friends took pictures and my bloody tampon string was hanging out the whole time. FML

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By yourmomsabitch - United States

Today, I was supposed to go on a date. I have been playing solitaire the whole night waiting for him. Out of 15 games, I've won one. FML

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By Lio - France

Awkward

Today, thinking I was being very generous, I lent my jacket to a new co-worker. I guess I should have checked my pockets before I did, I’m not sure that leaving 3 different flavors of condoms in them made a good impression. FML

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By anon - United States

Today, I removed all my online dating profiles. Apparently my ex-husband finds stalking me online preferable to spending time with his new girlfriend. FML

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By ToiletTroubles - United Kingdom

Today, I was taking some clothes downstairs to wash, when my mum stopped me. She accused me of sleeping around and trying to hide something, since she did the washing yesterday. She made me admit in front of the whole family that I'd been "surprised" by a case of diarrhea. FML

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By RDMdragoon - United States

Today, while deleting my ex-fiancée's account off my computer, I saved her pics. I found one of her with her now boyfriend in our bedroom. FML

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By Marcus Whitfield - 14/3/2020 15:00

Bear of a man

Today, I came to the unsettling realisation that the 2XL jacket that was originally 3 sizes too big for me is now a perfect fit. FML

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By n0taplumber - United States

Today, I reached in between the couch cushions to see if my iPod had slipped in there. I didn't find my iPod, but I did find an old utility knife blade. With my fingers. FML

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By littlekellilee - Canada

Today, I was told I have narcolepsy, and I've it for a year and a half. When asked why I didn't go to a doctor before, I answered that I'd always assumed it was a normal adult thing to fall asleep randomly because of how everyone says they're always exhausted. Apparently not. FML

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By dudeyouarefired

Today, the highly intoxicated singer of my band decided it would be a wonderful idea to squat down and take a shit on stage in the middle of a gig. FML

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By smashyonewfloors - Canada - High River

Today, my crew and I were berated by a client for not installing her new hardwood floor on time. We were only halfway through the day, but apparently it should have only taken "like, an hour?" because "The guys on the TV shows do it that fast." FML

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By tawan - United Kingdom

Today, I set off a fire alarm in school. I was taken to the head teacher's office, where he said that though he was shocked at my behavior, it was nice to see me being more like regular students and trying to fit in, instead of isolating myself as usual. I was shoved into the fire alarm by bullies. FML

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By Anonymous - Romania

Today, I realized I have to choose between being unemployed or putting up with my perverted boss who desperately wants me. I'm a guy and so is he. FML

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By NoThanks - United States

Today, an old lady came to the bank where I worked at to apply for a loan. She obviously didn't qualify for one as she has no income coming in. She looked so pitiful, so I changed a couple of her information so she could. She reported me and I got fired. FML

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By Sam - France

Today, I learned that in my family, 'Father's Day' is more like 'Father's drunken, piss on a plant in the kitchen during breakfast, order you to scrub in between his toes with your toothbrush Day.' FML

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By jlee0000785 - Australia

Today, the guy I have been seeing left town to visit his family for three weeks. A few hours later, he called me from the airport to say he is never coming back. FML

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By I keep failing it all - Lithuania - Vilnius

Today, my dad found the Father's Day present that I spent at least ten hours preparing and decorating. I'd expected him to be extremely happy about this lovely gift. His only reaction was to ask if he could exchange it for something else. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I asked my dad what his plans for Friday were. Apparently, he's going to a concert with my step-mom all evening. It's been their plan for months. Friday is my birthday. That's been set since the day I was born. FML

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By mommy - United States

Today, I found out that the only reason my ex husband calls my son anymore, is to ask him to send him things on Facebook. FML

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By marysparklez - 5/3/2021 22:59

Kinky

Today, my boyfriend is once again mad at me because I refused to have shower sex with him. I’m too embarrassed to explain to him that ever since I could remember, if I don’t take my showers sitting down, I vomit. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, a customer at the restaurant where I work reduced me to tears by screaming at me, as I nearly knocked out his 2-year-old with the kitchen door, after he let the little boy play on the floor behind it. Apparently, it's my fault I can't see through solid wood. FML

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By maggierose171 - United States - Rosendale

Today, my daughter's bed broke. Trying to see the damage, I lay down on her floor to get a closer look. I saw mountains of condom boxes under there. Now I know why the bed broke. FML

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By LesboLover

Today, I found out that my crush is a lesbian. Everyone knew about it. Everyone also knew that I liked her. No one told me. FML

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By Scabby - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend pulling off scabs and eating them. My scabs. FML

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By ThinZ - United States

Today, I invited a few of my co-workers over to play video games. Within an hour, my wife had gotten drunk, grabbed my controller, told me to "get back in the kitchen", and described to everyone in blood-chilling detail how she took her first boyfriend's virginity. FML

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By mom - Netherlands - Utrecht

Today, I was visiting my daughter, whose husband was still asleep at noon. I made a point of stomping around on the hardwood floor and speaking loudly to wake his lazy ass up. Turns out he's now working a 14-hour graveyard shift, and it has no negative effect on his shoe-throwing skills. FML

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By Dudeman5000 - France

Today, I get home and there's a package waiting for me. I ordered something online 2 weeks ago for a girl I like. She's not available anymore. No refunds. FML

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By CircusSea - Puerto Rico - Carolina

Today, I work on a cruise ship, and I just learned that we have a morgue on board. How did I learn that? It's right next to the crew laundry room, and I opened the wrong door. It was occupied. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lubbock

Today, I found an injured rabbit by the side of the road. I was about to take it to the local vet, when my husband picked it up and casually snapped its neck. "No rabbit's worth my money" he said, forgetting that he's been a jobless moocher for over 3 years. Pass me the goddamn divorce papers. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Appleton

Today, I told my girlfriend I've been a vegetarian for 6 years. Hearing this, my mom said, "No, you're not. I fry your mushrooms and onions in bacon grease." With this new information, I've been a vegetarian for about 76 hours. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I had to clean bathroom duties at work. Someone wrote "Merry Christmas" on the wall in their own shit. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the girl I like came over to my house to watch a movie. We had seen pretty much every movie that I suggested, so we ended up watching The Lion King. I forgot how sad that movie is, because once Mufasa died I started bawling my eyes out. FML

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By hospitalflunky - United States

Today, I got an email from a professor saying he was going to fail me for missing the alloted absences, which is school policy. I pointed out I was in the hospital for two weeks with a life threatening illness and that he even came to visit me. He told me "rules are rules." FML

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Top comments

By louisianagrrrrl | 0

#65841 - Sunday 29 March 2009 0:11

well you shouldn't be doing that at work in the first place!

By Timmytwofinger | 0

#218 - Thursday 5 February 2009 3:00

high five to your co-worker, snap!

COMMENTS

By greenman_fml | 0

#115 - Wednesday 4 February 2009 13:30

did he take care of it for you?

Reply

assgas | 0

#3655289 - Tuesday 29 November 2011 0:10

I hate you

By Timmytwofinger | 0

#218 - Thursday 5 February 2009 3:00

high five to your co-worker, snap!

By Roi_fml | 0

#541 - Saturday 7 February 2009 21:06

Oh, god, that's a good idea.

By maiden_girl | 5

#2349 - Sunday 15 February 2009 14:10

LOL @ #5... I guess your co-worker was trying to encourage you to work rather than participate in cyber-love.

By GamerSavant | 0

#36352 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 3:16

haWt

By musicislife11 | 0

#65719 - Saturday 28 March 2009 23:28

hahhahhahahhaah OWNED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

By louisianagrrrrl | 0

#65841 - Sunday 29 March 2009 0:11

well you shouldn't be doing that at work in the first place!

By 3ree | 0

#104218 - Sunday 12 April 2009 6:35

woulda been funnier if it was your boss, then he fired you

By absoluteZER0 | 0

#173300 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 4:45

That's what you get for doing that at work. xDD

By reinapayasa | 0

#181725 - Saturday 9 May 2009 10:39

what are co-workers for really.