Today, I was having a cybersex chat with a "girl" on a website... - FML

By diddlysquat - 14/1/2009 08:49 - United Kingdom

Today, I was having a cybersex chat with a "girl" on a website whilst at work. I noticed my colleague who sits next to me start cracking up with laughter. Turned out it was him I was chatting with and he was winding me up. Worst thing is it had given me a stiffy. FML

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By ReboundGrl - 23/5/2016 18:44 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I was really happy because the guy I've been on a few dates with wanted to take pictures with me. I thought it'd meant that he really liked me, but it turns out he just wanted them so he could post them online and make his ex-girlfriend jealous. FML

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By mykhael - 21/8/2013 18:58 - United States - Opelousas

Today, my girlfriend and I started fighting. Instead of arguing for herself, she decided to set her puppy on me. Only "Puppy" is the name of her fully-grown police-trained German Shepherd. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/11/2010 19:09

Today, my girlfriend threw my X-box out the window, because I asked her how much she weighs. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/2/2012 02:03 - United States

Today, Target asked me if I would do the closing announcement. I've only been working there a little while, so excited I agreed. I told people, "The store is now closing, thank you for shopping at Walmart." FML

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By eightleggedtictac - 8/6/2014 15:10 - United States - Worcester

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend shrieking at the top of his lungs. I ran into the dining room where he was, to find him standing on the table screaming "Kill it!" while pointing at an unmoving spider the size of a Tic Tac on the wall. FML

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By Anyonexx0 - 14/4/2015 18:15 - United States - Washington

Today, my sister and I heard back from a job we both applied to. I had used the knowledge from my MBA degree to write a six-page essay for the application, while she just copied and pasted hers from a random website. Guess who got the job. FML

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By bxjxj - 22/12/2014 18:40 - United States

Today, I asked my grandpa why he spoils me so much. He told me it's because he truly believes no one else will ever want to. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/11/2010 22:26 - United States

Today, I told my husband that I wanted to take advantage of the alone time we would have while our kids are visiting my parents. My idea? A nice dinner out and kinky sex all night long. His idea? Chinese buffet and subsequent dutch ovens in bed. FML

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By Brittany - 28/3/2012 02:38 - United States - Kerrville

Today, I failed my driving test. I rammed into the parallel parking poles, ran a stop sign, and stopped at a cross intersection. My instructor called me an idiot. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/6/2020 17:00

Check this out

Today, I ran downstairs to meet the Amazon driver and threw on a shirt in a rush. Only after he left did I realise it was my shirt with artful rips in the design and I'd forgot to put on a vest under it. I'd flashed the driver my entire right boob with nipple piercing through one of the holes. FML

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By NoUsernamHere - 3/6/2015 13:25 - United States

Today, I was working on a project in my schools library when a group of teenagers came in and began loudly talking and laughing. When I asked them to please quiet down, the librarian asked me to leave for being too loud. FML

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By randomusername99 - 5/5/2014 21:51 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I got a new dentist. You know how most dentists play soft, relaxing music? Well this guy seems to like rap a lot, and it's kinda hard getting your teeth cleaned to the sound of bullets going off. FML

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By JennieA - 26/12/2011 23:36

Today, I woke up to all 4 of my wheels stolen from my car. The thieves were kind enough to leave the car resting on wooden blocks and bricks. FML

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By GaymerLink - 12/8/2018 23:30

Today, my boss reprimanded me for not meeting my sales goals and is sending me to a two week training program. I don’t work in sales. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/9/2010 00:52 - Australia

Today, I found out that one of my best mates had his backpack, clothes, and everything else in it stolen at an airport overseas. I was feeling sorry for him all day. It took me 9 hours to remember that I actually loaned him my backpack for his trip. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/3/2010 05:08 - United States

Today, I asked out my best friend via facebook graffiti. He then accidentally wrote his rejection as his status instead of on my wall. More people liked his status than the number of friends I have on facebook. FML

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By failure461 - 13/6/2011 16:37 - United States

Today, I ruined my computer screen trying to kill a fly. FML

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By SnappyMcOuches - 19/9/2018 14:00

Today, I found out that I not only dislocated two bones in my foot, but also fractured one of those two bones and snapped the other. How did this happen? I tripped over a single stair walking from the bar to the beer garden. I didn't even get to drink anything. FML

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By Tooks - 28/7/2009 19:41 - United Kingdom

Today, everyone at work commented on how much better my new haircut looked and how I should keep styling it this way as it's such an improvement over my old style. I was late for work this morning. My new hair style was Bed hair that I didn't have time to sort out... FML

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By anon - 25/3/2013 18:31 - United States

Today, I got so drunk that I tasered myself in the balls as a joke, fell down my friend's porch stairs and rolled out into the street. FML

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By megatron - 16/3/2016 17:04 - United States - Naperville

Today, my roommate decided to go on a group trip instead of paying our water bill. Now I can't shower until next week. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/1/2010 13:33 - United States

Today, I went to visit my aunt who recently was released from an institution. She had leftover Christmas cookies so I began snacking on them. They tasted a bit off so I inquired about the ingredients. She told me they only had white icing so she used Crayola markers to give them color. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/9/2011 19:18 - United States

Today, while waiting in line at Gamestop, another customer and the cashier started chatting about how Pokémon is for kids, and anyone over 10 who's into it is weird. Embarrassed, I put the new Pokémon game back on the shelf and snuck out of the store. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/3/2013 16:59 - Germany - Dortmund

Today, my girlfriend and I were going to get intimate, so I masturbated before leaving my place, hoping it would help me last longer than usual. 10 minutes in, she shoved me off and started screaming at me, convinced that I've been cheating on her and practising with someone else. FML

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By Getmeout - 31/5/2012 06:50 - United States - Hartfield

Today, while sitting in my Forensic Psychology class, my professor listed all of the main traits that indicate someone may very well be a sociopath. Every single trait described my fiancé perfectly. FML

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By koletatlow19 - 5/3/2010 05:23 - Canada

Today, my boss fired me because "I didn't get the right kind of coffee beans." FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2009 04:24 - United States

Today, I was having an after work-out dinner with my ex-girlfriend and we were having a great time, catching up, eating good food, all the good things. Then when I got home, I realized I just talked to my ex-girlfriend for an hour and a half about how much better her new boyfriend is than me. FML

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By nomorexbox - 26/4/2011 19:20 - United States

Today, I actually heard my 14 year old son muse to himself, "If I can drive drunk in Grand Theft Auto, how hard could it be in real life?" FML

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By Slipperywhenwet - 28/2/2009 13:08 - United States

Today, I was stepping out of the shower while home alone. I heard voices coming from the living room. I grabbed a bat to defend my self and ran into the living room. I slipped on my tile floor and smashed my TV with the bat. No one was in my house but I left my radio turned on. FML

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By bm128902 - 1/10/2009 04:05 - United States

Today, I had a meeting at work. My boss was going around saying that she tries to give time off to the other managers so they can spend time with their family and significant others. She looked at me and said she doesn't for me because I have no one special to spend time with. FML

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By Burnt - 11/5/2011 01:21 - United States

Today, while changing a light bulb, I was electrocuted. I screamed before I blacked out. My entire family was home and heard me scream, but didn't come and check because they were too busy watching Glee. FML

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By Coffee Boy - 23/6/2012 04:55 - United States - Chesterfield

Today, my mom reached the lowest point of her midlife crisis. She convinced herself she's psychic and grounded me for something she "knows" I'm going to do. FML

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By paidback - 25/12/2009 01:10 - United States

Rejection erection

Today, I rejected my wife for sex. She then started to masturbate next to me. I got an erection. She then rejected me for sex. FML

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By Apple - 12/6/2011 17:54 - United States

Today, I was at my friend's house, and I asked if I could try on one of her dresses. It was a little snug, but I got it on. When it came time to take it off though, it wouldn't budge. My friend and her mom had to cut it off me. FML

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By bullseyed - 8/12/2010 04:20 - United States

Today, I planned to drop a water balloon on my visiting prankster brother from my new apartment's balcony. As he crossed the street, I launched the balloon, and sent it right behind him. It hit an eight year old on a scooter. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/11/2018 17:30

Today, it's been weeks since I made a Facebook page to arrange something for my birthday as no one was able to attend last year on short notice. Everyone was game but now everyone is flaking. One friend even said, "I'll see who RSVPs and then decide." FML

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By Anonymous - 4/6/2019 22:00

Today, despite all my begging for him to at least be civil, my son started his eulogy at his dad's funeral with the words, “Let me tell you a few things about the bastard in the coffin over there.” It only got worse. FML

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By NatchezParadox - 9/10/2019 18:00

Tinder surprised

Today, I watched as my Tinder date arrived at the coffee shop and mistook another woman for me. He never realized she was the wrong girl, and they spent the entire date together before leaving. The only similarity between me and the other woman was our hair. FML

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By nyu - 25/1/2010 06:33 - United States

Today, I was getting a pedicure, and they used some sort of scrubby thing that really tickled my feet. When I couldn't take it any more, I accidentally kicked the lady who was doing my nails in the face. FML

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By anonymous - 21/3/2011 19:01 - United States

Today, I tried to clock in at work, only to have the clock tell me I "wasn't scheduled", so I asked my boss what was going on. Turns out I was fired, and this was her way of avoiding conflict. FML

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Top comments

By louisianagrrrrl | 0

#65841 - Sunday 29 March 2009 0:11

well you shouldn't be doing that at work in the first place!

By Timmytwofinger | 0

#218 - Thursday 5 February 2009 3:00

high five to your co-worker, snap!

Comments

By greenman_fml | 0

#115 - Wednesday 4 February 2009 13:30

did he take care of it for you?

Reply

assgas | 0

#3655289 - Tuesday 29 November 2011 0:10

I hate you

By Timmytwofinger | 0

#218 - Thursday 5 February 2009 3:00

high five to your co-worker, snap!

By Roi_fml | 0

#541 - Saturday 7 February 2009 21:06

Oh, god, that's a good idea.

By maiden_girl | 5

#2349 - Sunday 15 February 2009 14:10

LOL @ #5... I guess your co-worker was trying to encourage you to work rather than participate in cyber-love.

By GamerSavant | 0

#36352 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 3:16

haWt

By musicislife11 | 0

#65719 - Saturday 28 March 2009 23:28

hahhahhahahhaah OWNED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

By louisianagrrrrl | 0

#65841 - Sunday 29 March 2009 0:11

well you shouldn't be doing that at work in the first place!

By 3ree | 0

#104218 - Sunday 12 April 2009 6:35

woulda been funnier if it was your boss, then he fired you

By absoluteZER0 | 0

#173300 - Wednesday 6 May 2009 4:45

That's what you get for doing that at work. xDD

By reinapayasa | 0

#181725 - Saturday 9 May 2009 10:39

what are co-workers for really.