By SamWGovan - 09/12/2012 16:57 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was sitting cross-legged, idly jerkin' the gherkin. I guess I got slightly carried away, because I zoned out, forgot where I was aiming, and came all over the side of my face, up my nose and into my eye. FML
I agree, your life sucks 13 057
You deserved it 66 915

SamWGovan tells us more.

Funniest thing was i started laughing uncontrollably afterwards.

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BOOM! Headshot...

NzaHaFML 13

So what did it taste like?


NzaHaFML 13

So what did it taste like?

Spit or swallow?..... You know what never mind I'd rather not now.

His first mistake was masturbating cross legged. Odd angles...*shudders*

probably tasted like gherkin.

Do you really have to ask? Chicken just like everything else.

Did OP gargle ¿

kathryn14 19

It's really not that horrible...

Hahaha what the fuck^^^

Possibly like chicken.

Well at least it didn't get in your mouth...

And now you know how us girls feel.

That was an accident. Not for you

I want to thumbs-up this but it's at 69 so no.

I knew a guy who was masturbating, and right as he came, he sneezed and came all over his face.

there, I thumbed it up so you can stop being immature.

OHai15 12

prolly tasted like gherkin chicken..

FEZ16 3

Actually if it tastes salty that means your not cleaning your "tool" good enough or your eating stuff with to much salt. And pee shouldn't taste salty either. A lot of science channel helps and a lot of sluty girls from school that talk about it. So either u girls are sucking on something dirty or tasting something he ate a lot of.

#101 nothing personal but ur profile says ur 15 i think.... So this is what now a days 15 year old do!! O.o

Omg please tell me more

It had to have tasted like chicken. Everything tastes like chicken.

81 - you aren't allowed to use the MB R129 post 1995 model car as your profile picture with a comment like that. Ps. Sport model body kit looks better. Haha.

Yup you're probably my favorite person on here

jacquesromualdez 12

Did you wait for it to cool down or you went at it while its still warm?

Everyone knows warm is better for e Everything but ice cream. Not the homemade kind. Haha.

How you know ? ;)

How you know ? ;)

BOOM! Headshot...

biglittlehead 12

Right between the cry muscles.

mduffy08 8

2 - Suicide -10 Points Game Over.

I'm a little weirded out by CyborgBanana

scarface90 8

Friendly fire is not tolerated...especially in this game

143- circlejerk rules?

jacquesromualdez 12

Just like NBA titles on Youtube: OP delivers a facial!

boom goes the dynamite !

artnotwar 4

Feed Me. Hell yeah.

vanessa09865 23

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Show it anyway
vanessa09865 23

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Show it anyway

I'm pretty sure that even if they didn't understand what "jerkin the gherkin" meant, it became extremely obvious at the end of the FML when OP came all over his face.

Eh your comment was annoying anyway

There's a reply button for a reason.

vanessa09865 23

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Show it anyway
LappDance 16

You're the third comment, and the first two comments are still there.

^owned. Logic rules once again.

50, No, I saw it too. 1 originally said, "Jerkin' the gherkin?" I guess she edited it later, leaving 3 hanging to look like a nonsensical douche. Don't know why you guys are being so hard on 3. He was just trying to help.

crazedboy45 2

You're about 15. You shouldn't even be here

I'm sorry. *She was just trying to help. 71, Vanessa is 16, and there are 13 year olds on this site. Don't be a dick.

Or you might get it all over you.

No shit? You don't say?!

XDsmileyDX_fml 24

35 - Your comment made me laugh. Thanks for that.

gracehi did you change your picture to threaten me you buck toothed bafoon?

73 - I'm 14 myself and figured out quite quickly what jerkin the gherkin meant; pretty much right off the bat...

KiddNYC1O 20


#3 who wouldn't know? what else would someone be doing to cum in their eye?

Blow job? But wouldn't really work in context


You're like twelve. Why the hell are you on here let alone commenting on him jerkin'?

YakuzaxGeneralz 9

I... I'm not even sure how to respond to this.

Then don't, and let somebody else be comment 4

NzaHaFML 13

Yes 39, cause that totally seems logical.

bigtaytay 13

Yeah I was really surprised too. Like is OP THAT bad in bed that he even bores himself?

Seriously, I read this and was just in shock. Ugh so gross.

What? You've never had that happen?

A headshot without looking?:O I have much to learn master.

55 I will not shut up. Don't be an ass just because you do not like me. I am not your slave to be ordered around so kindly go fuck yourself asshole.

The art of hip-firing. OP must be a master of CoD.

I just heard "jerking my gherkin" on impractical jokers...

fucking_dev 2

hahaha headshot ... dead .

Dafuq i just read?

Too lazy to masturbate properly? Wow. That's a whole new level of shit baggery.

Bahahahaha!!!! That's exactly what I was thinking!!

garrett8614 2

I still want to know who in the hell masturbates cross legged?

77- But masturbating is just so Zen! And really, masturbating and meditating sound similar, where in both cases, you achieve an altered state of awareness! ;) People jerk off standing up, sitting down, laying down, or even on a roller coaster. Being cross legged while finding your inner peace, is of no surprise to me. ;P

Proper masturbation = not shooting your load into your own face.

He had just watched the matrix and thought that he could dodge it.

#124, Ancient Egyptians would incorporate masturbation into meditation, using the ankh to awaken the kundalini upon orgasm and send the energy up through the spine and back down, stimulating the chakras and, if I remember correctly, unlocking spiritual awareness. Or something like that!

syrini 7

Irrelevant, Wikipedia.

Kallian_fml 21

Mmm, don't you just love it when it gets up your nose? You get to enjoy the smell all day...

I just threw up a little inside my mouth.

Kallian, what does it smell like? You seem a little to eager about the way it smells.

Was it you know what?

Kallian_fml 21

30- Well when it's fresh it's absolutely revolting. Once it starts to get crusty the smell disappears but it becomes harder to get out of your nose... On a serious note though, just seeing semen makes me want to spew, so I have no intention of taking a big whiff of it.

75 Just how much have you been seeing? :p

Kallian_fml 21

83- Enough to swim in. Jealous?

Maybe.. *looks around sketchy like* can i join you?:D

Kallian_fml 21

Of course you can lilhellian. :) We only have three rules here at the Gene Pool. 1. No running, jumping or diving. 2. Swimwear must not be worn at any time. 3. Please refrain from swallowing the 'water'.

cmb8280 24

Ok, 11 made me nauseous. 75 made me throw up in my mouth a little. Ugh...

I'm already following rule #2 :)

Kallian_fml 21

111- I've made two people throw up today? Hell yeah, this is the most productive day I've had in a while!

Kallian_fml 21

113- Great! *shoves in pool* It's warm because I only just filled it a little while ago. :)

Wow weak people puking at this... I'm not even grossed out.. If i saw an actual pool of it.. Maybe

So that's were the myths come from.

priceyfml 7

How did you zone out

I can idly masturbate, but not idly cum.

challan 19

He was busy thinking of your mom.

110- I was busy thinking about you...