By - 5/12/2020 12:28 - Canada - Holyrood

Sticky situation

Today, all was going fine until I had a tickle in my throat, which turned into a coughing fit. Only to cough for the last time and shart my pants. FML

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Basic Instinct

Family matters

Toxic people

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend came home while I was making a snack in the kitchen. We started making out and he lifted me up and sat my ass on the hot stove. FML

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By LadyNexus - United States - Mohrsville

Today, I asked my boyfriend how he felt about me and he said, "You're the hottest seven I've ever met." FML

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By jillie minaj - United States

Today, I'm accused of vandalizing a cop car during a night of partying, and in so doing, violating my parole. While talking with my lawyer, who I spent all my savings on, I said he could hire better than his hideous secretary. Turns out she's his wife. I think I'm now more screwed than ever. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dearborn

Today, I found out that the guy I've been sleeping with is my mom's gynecologist. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Inez

Today, my husband and I broke the news to my 10-year-old son that in about 8 months, he'll have a baby brother or sister. I knew he never wanted a sibling, but I didn't expect him to throw a tantrum, then look at me through teary eyes and scream, "Why can't you keep your fucking legs closed?" FML

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By mew - Canada

Today, one of the children at my daycare came up to me and bit me on the face. He laughed so hard at my scream, that he threw up in my lap. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Dollard-des-ormeaux

Today, I went with my boyfriend to his church youth group for the first time. I found out a girl there likes him, when she decided to pull me off him while we were hugging, and take my place. FML

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By Mee - United States

Nice timing

Today, my family and I argued whether getting a period or boner in the middle of class was worse. At the dinner table. FML

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By FreeToFly3733 - Canada

Today, I finally found my cellphone when I heard WHACKWHACKWHACK inside the washing machine. FML

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By wtf dad - United States

Today, my dad made me deliver a welcoming cake to our new neighbors. While I was making small-talk, I saw him climb over their backyard fence. A minute later, he climbed back over, with a plastic deck-chair in hand. I feel like an accessory to the pettiest theft in history. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got in line for my flight to visit a friend in England. My mom was there to see me off, and decided to shout "No sex!" while waving, in front of at least a hundred people who will very likely be sharing the transatlantic flight with me. FML

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By zarko - Croatia - Zagreb

The first step to solving a problem is admitting you have one!

Today, I created myself a Dropbox folder named "Traffic fines". FML

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By BelleCharmante - United States

Today, I couldn't shut a drawer in my kitchen, because an oven mitt was blocking it. An oven mitt filled with tin-foil wrapped electronics. My Mom believes Internet hackers can get into her digital camera and prepaid cell phone, and apparently tin-foil will prevent that. FML

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By Forgetable - United States

Today, a coworker introduced herself to me and told me she hopes I enjoy my new job. We've worked in the same building for two years. I say hello every time I see her. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/11/2020 11:02

Join in the fun

Today, after discovering my grown-up kids have sent poop pictures to each other since they were teenagers, I had an epic poop that looked like a question mark. So I finally lowered myself to their level and sent a picture of it to them. It got sent to my boss by accident. FML

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By Dummy - United States

Today, I saw an adorable girl at the bar and I went to talk to her. I decided to use my cheesiest pick up line to make her laugh. After I said it, she knew who I was. It was my cousin I hadn't seen in 8 years. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Auckland

First Dates

Today, I went on a date with a guy I've had a crush on for ages. Midway through the meal, he sighed and said, "I'll be honest, this is a horrible date. You got zero personality and I'm too lazy to do a window escape, so..." He then got up and walked out. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cottonwood

Today, I found my diary on my mother's nightstand. Bookmarked. FML

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By shitface - United States - Arlington

Shared towel

Today, after I took a shower, I was wiping my face with the towel I share with my sister. It smelled peculiar, so I took my face away and looked at it. Turns out, I was wiping my face on a huge shit stain. FML

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By SierraCheyenne - United States - Hannibal

Today, my parents finally got married. At the after-party, my mother got drunk and informed me that even though she and my father were now married, it doesn't change the fact that I'm still a bastard. FML

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By bad birthdays - United States - Los Angeles

Today, it's my birthday. When I asked my mom if we were gonna do anything special for my birthday. She said, "don't lie to me. It's not your birthday." FML

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By NotTellingYouMyName - United States - South Salem

Today, with my name sounding vaguely like 'Turkey' and being in the phonebook for business purposes, people keep calling, offering to stuff me for Thanksgiving. FML

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By StellarSapience - United States

Today, I was at work at an office store. I was instructed to put together several tape-free cardboard boxes. I then realized that I can disassemble and reassemble a computer with my eyes closed and one hand behind my back, but I was outsmarted by a cardboard box. FML

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By LostSoul

Today, I arrived at the doctor's to schedule surgery to find out my insurance got canceled again. I only just got it reinstated after the last time they screwed up and canceled it. It took me 6 months to get it fixed. FML

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By oopsies - United States

Today, I found out that the 2 loud "firework booms" I heard were actually a guy shooting his dog on the unfinished road behind my house. FML

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By thelarkscaw - United States

Today, I thought I saw a woodchuck far out in my yard. I wanted to take a cool picture of it so I slowly crept closer and closer to it. I spent half an hour sneaking up on a log. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Kettering

Today, my roommate wants to kick me out because I can't afford to pay my share of the rent this month. I couldn't afford to, because I had to pay for repairs to my car after my roommate got drunk, stole my keys, and crashed it into a street light. FML

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By Ecolo-girl - France - Quint

Today, my wife, the budding environmentalist, who is also 6 months pregnant, threatened to leave me because according to her I'm responsible for the world's deforestation. I'd only drawn her a picture of her with our baby-to-be. FML

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By Crawlinginmymemes - United States - Danvers

Today, I accidentally shut the door on someone who was walking behind me. After he opened the door, I turned, looked him sincerely in the eye and said, "Suffering". I meant to say sorry. FML

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By sorryyouweregone - Japan - Tokyo

Today, I was at a goodbye dinner with friends before I move back to America. A friend called to cry over relationship problems she refuses to fix. While I was outside trying to politely get off the phone, my friends ate and drank everything I'd ordered and closed the bill. FML

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By thedoc - United States - Amarillo

No kink-shaming on FML

Today, my wife was putting her finger in my bellybutton and making overly sexual noises. I thought this was all fun and games until I realized she was actually into this. FML

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By trigfail - New Zealand

Today, I failed my trigonometry exam because my scientific calculator was on the wrong setting. FML

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By desertpunk75 - United States

Today, my friends thought it'd be funny to hold lighters under the smoke alarms while I was sleeping. FML

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By seepeezy32

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. She's a sock puppet. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, while standing in line at a local Mexican fast food place, I was feeling generous and let a little kid behind me go in front. Turns out he had a list, and was ordering food for his whole family. I had to wait 30 minutes to get my food. FML

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By fuckmyhair - 16/4/2020 23:00

Stuck

Today, my brother thought it’d be a hilarious prank to put Super Glue in my hair extension glue. I didn’t notice until after the first couple rows. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while my boyfriend and I were on a picnic date out in the country, things got a little heated. When we were switching positions, he screamed and started running around. Turns out neither of us noticed the beehive in the tree above us until his dick got stung. FML

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By genderless - South Africa - Pretoria

Today, the person I was seeing asked to be just friends. A few hours later, they tried to talk me into having sex. FML

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By stupidteacher - China - Guiyang

Today, I gave a presentation in class. I felt pretty good about it, until afterwards when I was told I lost points for communication because I'd been chewing gum. I wasn't, I just have a speech impediment. FML

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By squishylog - United States

Today, my friend and I went for a late night walk along the beach. We decided to sit down on a log. It was a dead seal. FML

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Top comments

By Charlie Given | 23

#7956188 - Saturday 5 December 2020 18:51

🙄😐 I feel your pain I sneezed a few days ago and sharted myself

By tounces7 | 27

#7956239 - Sunday 6 December 2020 6:13

You coughed for the last time? Are you writing this from the afterlife?

COMMENTS

By Charlie Given | 23

#7956188 - Saturday 5 December 2020 18:51

🙄😐 I feel your pain I sneezed a few days ago and sharted myself

By tounces7 | 27

#7956239 - Sunday 6 December 2020 6:13

You coughed for the last time? Are you writing this from the afterlife?

By chyiochan | 31

#7956334 - Sunday 6 December 2020 15:53

Nice, got two birds stoned at once.

By Colleenfllorida | 9

#7956444 - Monday 7 December 2020 1:39

Get tested...you got the RONA!!!

By Talented73 | 54

#7957836 - Sunday 13 December 2020 23:51

I guess you had a shitty day.