The Top

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Bottle bank

By TiredStudent - 12/06/2020 23:07 - Australia

Today, I found out my last roommate had been stacking her empty wine bottles under the sink for the last 5 months. The cleaning lady who found them now thinks I'm an alcoholic, and threatened to report me to my landlord. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 774

You deserved it 231

By fmlpgh - 16/02/2010 11:51 - United States

Today, my husband told me to hold out my hand. He opened his, and in mine dropped a giant mutant tooth he had pulled a few months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 593

You deserved it 2 720

By pathetic - 06/11/2013 13:04 - United States - Lincoln

Today, my grocery shopping consisted of Poptarts, SpaghettiOs, Lucky Charms, Popsicles, Easy Mac, and Twinkies. I'm a 25-year-old woman with no kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 012

You deserved it 22 620

By disneyworld - 14/02/2010 05:49 - United States

Today, my dad told me he's taking the whole family to Disney World, even my step-brother's girlfriend. But not me, because he can't "afford" it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 005

You deserved it 2 458

Rescue cat

By crazycatlady - 04/02/2017 20:00 - United States - Charlotte

Today, my cat fell into the toilet, and I had to save him. I now have a soggy cat and scratched arms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 439

You deserved it 846

By Brian - 20/11/2012 15:50 - United States - Sandston

Today, I was at my girlfriend's house having dinner with her and her parents. I was casually playing footsie with my girlfriend under the table, until her mom stopped eating and said, "You know that's my foot, right?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 308

You deserved it 33 359

By Thomas - 21/12/2011 03:18 - United States

Today, my business is doing so badly that people are teaching their kids to drive in the empty parking lot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 641

You deserved it 2 997

Make it rain

By howler - 15/02/2011 06:44 - United States

Today, my mother walked in on me rubbing $400 in $20 bills all over myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 311

You deserved it 64 789

Frustrating

By Noname - 17/01/2009 20:40 - United States

Today, all I wanted was stress-relief sex with the guy I sleep with. Instead, I was so exhausted from my day that he thought I wasn't into it and ended up just talking to me about what we're going to do after college. Trading a booty call for a meaningful and heartfelt discussion. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 824

You deserved it 39 583

Emergency

By swaiteATC - 28/07/2009 04:11 - United States

Today, I was sitting in the break room at work eating lunch when I started to choke. My face turned red and tears began welling up in my eyes. Two of my coworkers were there. They began to argue over who would have to give me the Heimlich maneuver rather than helping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 350

You deserved it 2 672

By The greatest Illusion ever - 28/10/2013 20:31 - United States

Today, I went to school without any makeup on. The guys who usually compliment me for being pretty are now calling me "The Greatest Illusion Ever". FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 178

You deserved it 21 425

By j0j0 - 15/01/2009 16:00 - France

Today, wanting to change from the usual pizza/coca cola menu, I decide to cook. After spending 1h30 making a "beef chili with ancho, mole, and cumin" I sprinkle a bit of salt on top of it. The top came off the salt. I think it's back to pizzas for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 782

You deserved it 3 864

By Puppy problems - 27/10/2013 01:23 - United States - Essex Junction

Today, I invited my boyfriend over to meet my new puppy. My dog decided to take a dump on his lap. He is now not talking to me because he thinks I trained my dog to do that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 575

You deserved it 4 537

Bedtime stories

By Anonymous - 02/01/2023 03:00

Today, my boyfriend really gets off hearing me talk about previous sexual experiences in extreme detail while we are having sex. I have run out of real stories, so now I just make stuff up, but it's getting hard keeping track. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 341

You deserved it 491

Timewaster

By Anonymous - 13/05/2024 20:00 - United Kingdom

Today, yet another first date was a total waste of my time as he was yet another creep more interested in the experience of fucking a dwarf than he was in getting to know me as a person. I’m just gonna stay single forever. It’s not like I’ve always dreamed of marriage or anything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 725

You deserved it 131

By safariboo - 09/02/2010 15:43 - United States

Today, I returned home to my girlfriend after being away for 6 weeks of work. I decided to take a shower and change before having a nice dinner with her. Without looking I grabbed a random pair of jeans from my closet to put on. They were Levis. I don't own or wear any Levis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 695

You deserved it 2 977

Got game

By ewww - 05/07/2020 17:01

Today, I went to visit my grandma at her old folks’ home. The soup she got for lunch was cold so I took it to the dining room to heat it up. As I put it in the microwave, a slow clap started behind me. I had to stand and wait for soup to heat while being wolf-whistled by a bunch of grandpas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 688

You deserved it 259

By - 21/10/2013 16:57 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I learned where my mom's "special hiding spot" that I'll "never find" for the Halloween chocolate is, when I preheated the oven to make cookies. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 673

You deserved it 4 626

By Anon. - 07/02/2011 17:44 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend asked me to play dead so he could have sex with my "corpse." FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 103

You deserved it 7 798

By Anonymous - 23/07/2009 07:00 - United States

Today, I saw an elderly man struggling to make it across a busy street. I jumped up from my table at Starbucks to help him, leaving my things behind. When I got back to my table feeling good, I found that my coffee had disappeared. So had my wallet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 393

You deserved it 25 715

By Donezoo - 08/01/2009 02:28 - United States

Today, my car was broken into. They broke the passenger side window and took my radio system. But they didn't take the remote for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 661

You deserved it 2 356

One-upmanship championship

By Jan - 18/10/2013 06:13 - United States

Today, my mother topped someone's story of their child's problems by saying I'm on drugs. This resulted in people showing up to stage an intervention for me. She made the whole thing up and I've never used drugs, but no one believes me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 806

You deserved it 3 004

By Kelso - 06/02/2010 18:22 - United States

Today, my mother told me that the carbon-monoxide alarm went off last night, but since she didn't smell any gas, she decided to just remove the batteries and go back to bed. I had to explain to her that you can't smell carbon monoxide, and that we could have died in our sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 546

You deserved it 2 540

The fun never ends

By Yudith - 02/01/2023 09:00 - Canada

Today, I found a New Year's surprise: a cockroach in my kitchen drawers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 787

You deserved it 139

By ZAnon - 06/02/2015 07:06 - United States - Houston

Today, my 97-pound pitbull wagged and chased his tail while I was being mugged. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 726

You deserved it 3 833

What the **** does this mean, dude?

By Anonymous - 16/10/2013 17:37 - United States - Romulus

Today, I found out my handwriting is so bad that people think I write in Arabic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 406

You deserved it 10 426

By godhatesme - 10/12/2011 08:45 - United States

Today, while pulling into my driveway, I slightly bumped into something. My wife. I'll be sleeping on the couch for a while. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 144

You deserved it 20 756

Snow day

By doggie_doo_face - 06/02/2010 00:50 - United States

Today, my dog accidentally crapped on her leash. When I flicked the leash to get the poo off, it went flying. Have you ever had warm poo hit you in the face on a cold day when there's 6 inches of snow on the ground? I have. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 114

You deserved it 9 732

No silver linings to this cloud

By Hannah - 14/01/2023 14:00

Today, I watched my mother's heart break. She found out, my siblings (20F and 18M), who've ignored her for years, have been adopted by our stepmother. She received said news the same way we found out my younger brother enlisted, and from the only place we get pics of him and my sister: her abusive ex-husband's Facebook page. FML

I agree, your life sucks 848

You deserved it 137

By Anonymous - 15/10/2013 06:37 - United States

Today, I found out that my phone fits perfectly through the slot between the elevator and the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 760

You deserved it 4 872

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The Top

Today, I was pitching at a fastpitch softball game. The other team chanted about the ball being too high and almost hitting the batter in the eye. After throwing the next pitch, the ball was savagely returned by the batter, straight into my eyes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 415

You deserved it 2 795

Today, my husband won't talk to me because he got mad when I asked him what he thought about 'that lame performance last night'. He doesn't believe that I really was talking about football. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 290

You deserved it 8 344

Today, I sent in a fake story to a website that supports a yearly festival in my small town, thinking it would boost their spirits. It was how my boyfriend proposed to me at last year's festival. Now the local news station wants to do a story about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 855

You deserved it 81 164

Today, while babysitting, the oldest little girl who is 7 went through my purse. She pulled out a half empty bottle of lube. She asked what it was and I told her lotion. I went to the bathroom and when I came out, the bottle was empty and there were 4 kids covered in lube. Then their mom came home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 922

You deserved it 28 028

Today, I realized my parents, especially my dad, interrupt me so often when I'm talking that I've become completely accustomed to being interrupted whenever I speak. When they aren't interrupting me, they're either ignoring me, or just not acknowledging me. They still wonder why I don't talk much. FML

I agree, your life sucks 941

You deserved it 114

Today, I pulled up to a drive-thru speaker and my brain misfired and I said, “Thanks, I love you!” to the employee after she handed me my order. She replied, “We just met, but okay dude.” I put my food on the passenger seat and quickly scuttled off in my busted ass Toyota. FML

I agree, your life sucks 224

You deserved it 270