Miscellaneous: Today, I wanted to see if the frying pan was hot. I no longer... - FML

By bip - 15/12/2008 05:36 - France

Today, I wanted to see if the frying pan was hot. I no longer have fingerprints. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 859

You deserved it 57 320

Commando

Leave me out of it

Clean up in aisle 3 please

By Anonymous - 09/10/2015 17:34

Today, I found out that what I thought was "acne" is actually an allergic reaction to a cream I've been using for years. I thought the cream was helping me with the breakouts but my doctor says the real acne probably went away naturally years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 364

You deserved it 2 483

By thunderthighs644 - 23/11/2011 03:21

Today, while jogging, I heard an odd clapping sound over the sound of my iPod. I stopped running, and the sound stopped. This continued for an hour before I realized the slapping sound was my thighs slapping together violently. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 274

You deserved it 11 841

By Azcrazy - 03/08/2009 17:16 - United States

Today, I quit my job after two years. Now I have my crazy boss sitting out in front of my house, telling me she wants to work things out. She's been there all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 427

You deserved it 3 993

By u_n0_mE - 08/02/2009 16:30 - United States

Today, I am finally dating the girl I have liked on and off for the past year. In the school play. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 355

You deserved it 5 253

By stolen - 11/04/2011 19:29 - United States

Today, I was robbed. They took my father's ashes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 103 927

You deserved it 5 334

By Anonymous - 14/04/2012 06:27 - United States

Today, I poured my heart out to my girlfriend of two years expressing my feelings for her. She responded with, "I'm going to bed." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 277

You deserved it 3 102

Don't be a dingdong

By Steve - 03/04/2021 21:59 - United Kingdom

Today, my daughter's boyfriend came to the house to pick her up. As a responsible father, I had an evil plan to torture the boy who dares date my girl, but my wife preempted my plan so during his short visit, she stood behind me the whole time with her taser down my buttcrack in case I acted up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 408

You deserved it 2 504

Grief is weird

By Denni - 03/10/2021 08:00

Today, my sister called me a selfish cow, all because I wouldn’t let her have a portion of my daughter’s life insurance check so she can go on a shopping spree. She’s more upset about that than her niece passing way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 947

You deserved it 45

Toynado

By Dad41 - 21/06/2019 12:00

Today, I came home from work and found that my son had taken every single one of his toys out and left them on the floor. Plus some goldfish crackers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 319

You deserved it 285

By boogery - 26/01/2015 19:17 - United States

Today, after putting a bag of dirty laundry in the laundry room to wait for an open washer, I came back to find a "free stuff" sign on all of my expensive jeans, new towels, and favorite sweatshirts. The bag was over half empty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 625

You deserved it 13 472

By liilii - 30/08/2014 16:40 - India - Trivandrum

Today, I woke up to the sight of a dead fly on my bedside table, being eaten by a swarm of ants. I screamed so bad that my dad said he thought my sister was being murdered in my room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 638

You deserved it 6 667

By imustbegay - 09/05/2010 14:20 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was buying condoms for my girlfriend and myself. While at the checkout counter, my guy friend sees me, runs to me, puts his arm around me, kisses me on the cheek, then yells "Thank you baby!" There were about twenty people behind me, they all gave me dirty looks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 248

You deserved it 10 355

By yblamemebiatch - 16/03/2016 10:56 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I found out a colleague spread lies about me because she somehow thinks I'm to blame for the hot guy at work not wanting to date her. Perhaps she should blame his fiancé. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 957

You deserved it 1 299

Second time

By timon_n_pumbaa - 11/01/2020 09:00 - Japan - Tokyo

Today, I found myself locked in a bathroom for the second time in my life. This time at least I was at home. I live alone. I had to break the window on the shower door and crawl out. Now, I need to crawl in/out to shower, brush my teeth and more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 911

You deserved it 1 182

By Anonymous - 26/12/2018 06:00 - Australia

Today, as I walked out of a club, I slipped in my new shoes and spilled my chicken, chips and gravy on my brand new white dress. Not only did people see me do this, but my dress is ruined. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 934

You deserved it 718

By notgivingup - 01/10/2012 03:21 - United States

Today, I had to serve my boyfriend's father with a restraining order. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 717

You deserved it 1 985

By NewDrugs - 22/02/2013 01:21 - United States - Charlotte

Today, I went back home after seeing the doctor, I told my boyfriend my new medicine might cause some mood swings. He immediately grabbed his phone and pretended to take a call, then rushed out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 177

You deserved it 3 522

Not for me

By Newgenmom - 18/12/2020 19:02 - United Kingdom

Today, I told my husband I might want a baby, so he took me to visit his best friend who has a toddler and we stayed for an hour. I no longer want a baby. I want the pill wrapped in 2 condoms and a joint vasectomy/hysterectomy paid for with my non-baby disposable income, and my husband now has a shit eating grin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 589

You deserved it 1 078

When you gotta go, you gotta go

By Sara Harms - 24/10/2021 14:00

Today, as the kind person that I am, I let my friend use the washroom before me while I watched our shopping cart. I then found out that the stores closes the washroom at 5 pm, and since I didn’t know, I ended up walking 25 minutes to a gas station in the rain to use one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 719

You deserved it 107

By giantblueballsthesizeofjohnnysinscock - 19/12/2014 23:14 - United States - Colorado Springs

Spicy

Today, after six long, hard years of involuntary celibacy, I was finally about to get laid. Except it was just a dream, and in it my mom stormed in just as things got heated, called me a useless cunt, and told me to go do my chores. I guess my brain forgot I moved out years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 958

You deserved it 4 605

By not drunk - 28/10/2014 18:04 - Brazil - Santa Maria

Today, I've been one year sober. My health has improved a lot, unlike my social life, which has died a horrible, lonely death. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 515

You deserved it 4 685

By a hex upon your anus, sir - 25/05/2013 16:14 - United Kingdom

Today, I got on the subway with a broken leg. A kind woman stood up and offered me her seat. Before I could sit down, a guy shoved past me and took it for himself. The woman and I pointed out my cast and crutches, and asked him to give up the seat. He responded by flipping us off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 260

You deserved it 3 243

By PlsForget - 18/08/2016 21:47 - Canada - Vancouver

Today, I was volunteering at a neighborhood house tutoring a bunch of kids. Everything was going fine until one of them jumped on the table I was at, which broke and hit my knee. I swore in front of all the kids and my volunteer coordinator. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 601

You deserved it 1 278

By Anonymous - 22/06/2016 22:13 - United States - Newcastle

Today, it's my 7-year anniversary with my boyfriend. I was excited so I asked him what day it was and he said, "Wednesday?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 325

You deserved it 2 524

Confused

By Miranda - 07/06/2020 17:06

Today, I was going to walk up to my crush, kiss him, and tell him how I felt. We are already kind of touchy with each other, so I thought he liked me back. I walked up to him and kissed him. He kissed me back, then gently pushed me away. He quietly whispered, "I'm gay." Then walked away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 641

You deserved it 426

By idrow - 25/10/2018 22:08

Today, a bear dragged my neighbor's garbage across the street and stopped right in the middle of my front yard, where it proceeded to scatter the contents and have a feast. When it was finished, it took a massive dump on my lawn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 966

You deserved it 191

Whoops

By Anonymous - 31/01/2018 01:30

Today, while leaving a job site, I put a bundle of pipe on my boss's van, picked up a few tools, and left for the day. He called screaming 30 minutes later to inform me that I didn't strap the pipe to the rack. It slid off the van and hit the car in front of him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 063

You deserved it 4 751

By wtf? - 19/07/2014 05:53 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my mother compared having me as a daughter to having a deadly kind of cancer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 245

You deserved it 5 664

By Kelly - 12/08/2009 18:09 - United States

Today, I heard a girl telling her friend all about her boyfriend, John. They talked about the grocery store that he works at, and that he drives a nice yellow mustang. My boyfriend's name is John, works at that same grocery store, and drives a nice yellow mustang. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 239

You deserved it 3 953

By sadcat - 06/02/2010 15:19 - United States

Today, I took my cat to the vet. He said he felt a strange lump that could be serious. I got really upset and picked her up, crying. The vet then told me I had to put her down. Absolutely devastated by having to euthanize my cat, I passed out. He meant I had to put her back on the table. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 988

You deserved it 14 747

Oh, the sinning

By Liliannn - 23/09/2021 08:00

Spicy

Today, I found out I’m pregnant. This would be joyful news, if the father wasn’t my friend’s soon-to-be husband. I’m one of the bridesmaids at their wedding tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 172

You deserved it 3 666

Let it mellow

By Anonymous - 25/08/2020 14:00

Today, my 5-year-old got carsick and lost his breakfast all over himself and the back seat. When I got home to clean him off and clean out the car, I discovered that construction workers hit a main water line while working on road expansion at the front of my neighborhood. We won’t have running water until 4 a.m. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 517

You deserved it 95

By Anonymous - 05/05/2009 21:42 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I pissed my younger brother off. Seemingly unrelated to this was the fact that I left my laptop on in my room along with MSN signed into my email adress. Now, all my contacts know that I apparently "just love the warm feeling of semen sliding down my throat". FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 738

You deserved it 32 883

By Anonymous - 27/10/2009 04:22 - United States

Today, while I was showering, a dark object in the shower kept startling me. After about the fourth time jumping, I realized it was my shadow that was scaring me. I am actually literally afraid of my own shadow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 966

You deserved it 30 036

By bucollegegirl - 08/10/2012 14:07 - United States

Spicy

Today, after having sex with my boyfriend, he said that I should go to the bathroom so we don't end up pregnant. When I asked why, he said that I need to "pee out the semen." I explained to him 5 times that I don't pee out of my vagina. He still doesn't get it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 653

You deserved it 6 542

By so scared - 08/02/2014 17:13 - Canada - Barrie

Today, my mother thought it would be funny to sneak into my room at night and scream like a demon after I had explained to her how scared I was of the exorcist movie I had just seen. She claims it wasn't her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 574

You deserved it 6 183

Vibrate mode

By ChiefKoala - 27/01/2020 14:00 - United States - Rockwood

Today, my stomach growled so loudly in class that my professor told us to make sure our phones were silenced. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 830

You deserved it 202

By Kimberly - 25/07/2009 09:55 - United States

Today, my 9 year old niece asked me if I was a virgin. I told her, "Yes, I'm saving myself until marriage". She replied, "That's a load of bullshit, you just can't get a guy!" Sadly, she's right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 275

You deserved it 9 001

By sleepy - 23/05/2011 04:57 - United States

Today, as I was standing in the checkout line in a store, my six year old daughter proudly announced to everyone that I fell asleep on the toilet last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 816

You deserved it 8 329

By Nikki - 05/04/2009 03:40 - United States

Today, I was in IKEA, furniture shopping with my dad. He was looking at one couch that was particularly small. I said "dad that couch is for like a midget." I look over to see a midget looking at me, sitting on the same couch in a different color. He definitely heard me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 750

You deserved it 67 327

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Top comments

pinkfrenchrose 5

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Saturday 14 March 2009 6:08

Now you can commit crimes without worrying about getting caught.

Sgt_Schadenfreud 0

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Wednesday 11 March 2009 1:00

It's a frying pan. What precisely were you expecting?

Comments

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Thursday 19 February 2009 3:35

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

donttreadonme1 0

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 2:17

f*ckin stoner

ScenicSubterfuge 39

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Sunday 28 April 2013 15:50

Why?•____•

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Monday 23 February 2009 23:21

Fingerfood! lolZ.

thats1awesome4 0

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Saturday 7 March 2009 0:24

LULZ! i dont want fingerprints. that would be effing sweet

Sgt_Schadenfreud 0

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Wednesday 11 March 2009 1:00

It's a frying pan. What precisely were you expecting?

pinkfrenchrose 5

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Saturday 14 March 2009 6:08

Now you can commit crimes without worrying about getting caught.

Littlebrraatt 14

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Tuesday 5 July 2011 23:07

Now we are gunna have 500 other people burning their finger prints off to get away with crimes. Thanks number 10 lol

IsntThisAwkward 0

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Thursday 14 July 2011 5:34

i hope op didnt do it with every single finger on his hand. and for no finger prints at all he had to dive right in there with both hands.

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Sunday 30 September 2012 2:32

Fingerprints do grow back...

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Friday 9 November 2012 22:59

No, the police will simply have to look for someone lacking fingerprints.

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Thursday 16 May 2013 14:22

Yeah, I guess burning off your fingerprints is much more practical rather than, I don't know, wearing gloves?

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Saturday 21 March 2009 22:27

#10 Practical thinking Turn you FML into a positive scenario

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Sunday 22 March 2009 3:06

rock on. I almost did the same thing with the heat lamp at my work, in the pass-thru. (i work at a restaurant), because it looked like the bulb was out. I am glad i did not, we are open for 24 hours, and those things are never turned off. Luckily i asked my manager first, otherwise, i may not have fingers. I need those. Be grateful, because after asking my boss, she told me why one of my coworkers carries her tray with her left hand...and why she does not have the tips of her fingers on her dominant hand.

averageirishman 0

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Wednesday 8 December 2010 3:28

I can help shorten it by just a smidgen. I nearly burned my fingers off on a heat lamp.

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Monday 23 March 2009 5:56

sounds like you got... burned

brie3 0

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Wednesday 8 July 2009 7:54

... wow but seriously dude, you need to go steal shit now :)

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Tuesday 31 March 2009 2:00

# 10 if you dont have fingerprints then that makes it even more obvious that you did a crime! not a lot of people don't have fingerprints!

Littlebrraatt 14

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Tuesday 5 July 2011 23:09

But more then one person does so they cant prove anything.

TheRealEllieSan 9

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Friday 23 September 2011 4:11

Depending on how many fingerprint-less people live in that area. My guess is not many. Although w/o fingerprints it could just look like op was wearing gloves, which I'm surprised more criminals don't think of.

elns_studios 11

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Monday 31 March 2014 13:23

But a lot of people would wear gloves, so it really is no different.

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Wednesday 7 January 2015 9:15

True! But I know a person who actually HAS a fingerprint! Im not lying, im serious

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Wednesday 1 April 2009 22:04

#14 But you can't prove that the reason there were no prints was that the perp had no prints. He could have been wearing gloves.

Nearly

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24

You deserved it 4

Today, I realized the cute girl with a nice ass, long hair and a great personality I've been talking to is actually a very gay dude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19

You deserved it 49

Spicy

Spicy

Today, a guy drove an hour and a half to get to where I live, only to literally last less than 30 seconds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 179

You deserved it 42

Today, I had a horrible date with this guy I’ve been seeing. He wanted me to give it up, but I wasn’t ready, so he dumped me on the spot. I went home crying to my mother and her response was, “Stop being such a prude! What are you? Ten? Grow the fuck up!” Thanks mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 936

You deserved it 183