Today, I scraped the ice off my boss's car windows and thought... - FML

By Username - 4/2/2011 08:11

Today, I scraped the ice off my boss's car windows and thought it'd be funny to scrape a swastika in the ice on his roof. I didn't realize until it thawed off that it scratched it into the paint. He didn't find much humor in it and is making me pay for the damage. FML

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Family values

Long story short

Ghosted

By Anonymous - 25/2/2012 03:07 - United States

Today, I was feeling frisky for the first time in months, so I started feeling up my husband. He kept insisting he had a headache and that he wasn't feeling it tonight. When I noticed his sarcasm, he said "Yeah, doesn't feel so great, does it?" and turned the TV volume up. FML

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By - 21/2/2020 14:00

No chance

Today, my girlfriend of two years called me over late at night. I got excited, assuming she finally wanted sex. No, she just wanted me to make her mac and cheese and talk to her because she was ‘restless’. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/10/2017 01:30

Today, I met my favourite singer, but when she signed my CD, the marker was out of ink. By the time I realised there was no signature, she was already gone. FML

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By dana - 16/12/2013 22:43 - United States - Montrose

Today, my boyfriend dumped me via Facebook. I cared more about the spelling mistakes he made than the actual message. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2016 15:43 - United States - Pembroke

Today, my grandfather gave me a whole box of records to go with my new record player. When I thanked him, he said he'd been needing to get rid of them anyway because classical music makes him horny. I definitely didn't need to know that. FML

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By getafucktoysomewhereelsedude - 16/5/2013 20:31 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I had to listen to yet another delusional fuckface at school bitch about how a girl he's interested in put him in the "friend-zone". I really couldn't focus on my work, so I tried to shut him up by saying he's an idiot, not least because she already has a boyfriend. I now have a black eye. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/7/2019 04:30

Today, I found out that my husband only dated me because I look like what he thought the daughter he had with his first wife might look like when she's grown up. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/1/2016 01:24 - Dominican Republic - Santo Domingo

Today, I was leaving the house to go on a date. My dad stopped me at the door and said confidently, "Tear that pussy up, son." I'm gay and my dad knows that. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2013 03:36 - United States - Houston

Today, my mom started getting ready for the Rapture. FML

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By brebre101 - 31/7/2011 09:05 - Canada

Today, I walked in on my brother performing voodoo on a doll with my picture taped to its face. FML

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By clementine_k - 22/3/2009 02:38 - United States

Today, I went out for coffee with a guy I really like. We met up at the local café, and decided to sit at a counter in front of the window. We talked and flirted for a while. Then he kissed me, and while he was kissing me someone banged on the window. It was my parents. They didn't know I'm gay. FML

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By Stilljobless - 19/1/2010 11:51 - United Kingdom

Today, I got a missed call from a job that I really really want. I completely forgot that my answer machine message was a ridiculous and rude poem that I recorded previously when I was drunk. Somehow I don't think I'll be getting a call back. FML

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By Annie - 24/8/2015 08:46 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was lying on a couch, reading, when I noticed a spindly leg poking round the corner of my book. Upon realising it was a spider, I calmly and rationally threw my book across the room, breaking the TV. FML

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By thanksfyi - 2/7/2011 21:51 - Norway

Today, I found out via Facebook that my brother got engaged several days ago. Not only did he not tell me, but we live in the same house. FML

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By loserface - 23/2/2009 22:50 - United States

Today, I was interviewing a cute guy for my journalism class, and he asked to borrow my laptop to check his email quickly. After the interview, I realized that the last thing I had searched for on my browser's Google box was "ingrown pubic hairs," and it was still up there. FML

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By skinny dipper - 21/10/2011 02:48 - United States

Today, I was caught skinny dipping by the police. With the arresting officer's daughter. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/10/2009 06:51 - Canada

Today, I told my girlfriend of eight months that if she didn't start taking my band's music seriously, we couldn't see each other anymore. She said fine, and I hugged her, but then she stood up and said 'I hope we can still be friends,' and walked out the door. FML

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By Username - 28/3/2011 05:26 - United States

Today, I discovered my boyfriend has been slipping me abortion pills to "supplement" my regular birth control. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/7/2020 05:00

High on emotion

Today, a woman I’ve liked for years falsely claimed to be strung out on crystal meth rather than just turning me down. FML

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By FroggyGirl888 - 12/10/2011 03:34 - United States

Today, my roommates thought I wasn't home and started talking about me. Apparently I'm a lesbian, devil worshiper, and an alcoholic. I didn't know my life was so fascinating. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/11/2010 22:07 - Israel

Today, I was told by my neighbors that my guitar playing sounded a dying cat. FML

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By singleandthankful - 23/2/2013 23:18 - United Kingdom - Beaconsfield

Today, my now ex-boyfriend called me out after I spelt "realised" with an S instead of a Z. It wouldn't have been so bad, if we weren't both British, if he hadn't called me an "illiterate idiot", and if he hadn't muttered "family of morons" when my mum backed me up. FML

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By I'maboutobarf - 31/1/2013 10:28 - Australia

Today, my mum got a new blender. Dinner was roast beef, broccoli, cauliflower, pumpkin, potatoes and water. In a cup. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/1/2016 13:30 - United States - Boston

Today, my friends and I were goofing off playing tag behind the local church, when I heard a banshee-like wail behind me. Assuming it was one of my friends, I wailed right back and ran. Turned out there was actually a funeral going on, and the wail was from one of the bereaved. FML

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By heya - 24/12/2012 10:09 - Australia - Sydney

Today, whilst at my new step-dad's Christmas lunch, my mother spiked my drink so that I would look worse than her in front of her new mother-in-law. FML

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By parenting_failure - 20/3/2011 16:10 - France

Today, my son was on Facebook while he was supposed to be studying. He called me a liar and accused me of making up excuses to chew him out. How do I know he was online? He liked and commented on a video I posted. My son is a dumbass. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/10/2013 12:17 - United States - Southfield

Today, the person I've been trying so hard to get with wrote me a beautiful poem that almost everyone at my school saw and liked. It was about how we'd never be together. FML

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By Sharibabi65 - 7/3/2012 06:16 - United States

Today, I told my fiancé I wanted to hear something romantic. He said, "My dick loves your mouth." I guess that's as good as it's going to get. FML

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By Brokenheartz - 9/2/2012 09:49 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend of 6 months told me he was not going to celebrate Valentine's day because it was a "capitalistic consumerism holiday". He works in a bank and helps "capitalism consumerism" 364 days a year. FML

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By Js2cool - 29/9/2015 02:32 - United States - Fitchburg

Today, I went to clean my cat's litter box, not realizing she was in it. As I lifted the top half of the litter box up, she sprayed me with piss. FML

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By Miss Spasticator - 26/10/2012 20:49 - United States - Vancouver

Today, I tagged along with some friends to a party in the woods. Halfway into the night, a party-goer's boyfriend got extremely drunk and violent, causing the others to panic and drive away in the two cars we pooled in. My best friend and I had to run all the way back home on foot. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/8/2009 22:31 - Canada

Today, a completely drunk girl walked across the bar and punched me in the face because I was wearing the same dress as her, and her boyfriend said it looked better on me. While I was screaming at her for being a stupid bitch, she puked all over me, wiped her mouth and laughed before she passed out. FML

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By notsosmart - 6/3/2011 11:28 - Australia

Today, my son broke a window at school playing football. Not only did he break one, he broke the other window next to it. His excuse? He tried making it look like a bird flew in one way and flew out the other. I have to pay $800 to fix it. FML

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By Now I'm Broke - 22/11/2017 15:00

Today, I took my $2,000 drone out and shot some beautiful footage of an old dam. I hid it behind a rock to explore the area further without carrying it, but when I came back it was gone. I was splitting the payments with my uncle. I work a minimum wage job. FML

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By rebecca - 10/3/2009 21:31 - Austria

Today, as a bartender was carding my friends, I excitedly asked if he was going to card me. The guy gave me a blank stare before finally replying, "Look, lady, I don't have time to stroke some middle-aged woman's ego." I asked because it was my birthday. I just turned twenty-one. FML

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By widow - 19/10/2010 22:58 - United States

Today, I received two cards in the mail for my late husband for his birthday. He has been dead for four years now, and the cards were from our two children, who live several states away. This is the fourth time it's happened, and neither of them answer my calls. Ever. FML

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By Harmonia - 26/1/2009 10:09 - France

Today, I went shopping with my boyfriend. He tried on a pair of trousers which didn't fit, so he asked me to change them, so off I go. I then return with another pair for him to try on, and find him bent over and blurt out "What the hell's that terrible underwear?". The man turns around, revealing that I'd entered the wrong changing room. FML

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By ulrika - 24/7/2016 01:09 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, my parents let me babysit my baby sister for the first time. About an hour after they left, I was carrying her downstairs and tripped. Try calling your parents from the hospital and explaining that their daughter, who can't even crawl yet, has a broken leg. FML

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By MoneyMike - 12/3/2009 00:30 - United States

Today, I fell asleep in the car on a 10+ hour trip with my family as soon as we got on the highway. When I woke up an hour later, I realized I'd had a wet dream. I had to sit next to my grandma with semen all over my thighs and boxers for the rest of the trip. FML

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By a single fuck - 23/5/2013 16:40 - Germany - Berlin

Today, my girlfriend actually yelled, "Why are you making this all about YOU?!" after I confronted her over cheating on me. FML

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Top comments

By DocBastard | 38

#2044631 - Friday 4 February 2011 16:22

Haha! Yeah, the symbol of the most vilified group of humans to ever live is freaking hysterical! I would've laughed my white-pride ass off!! LOLOLOLOOLOL no but seriously, you are a complete waste of flesh if you think for millisecond that shit is funny.

Your boss should be allowed to give you an Aldo Raine-type reminder of why this isn't funny, you vapid, empty, worthless soul.

By ContactSparrows | 0

#2044579 - Friday 4 February 2011 16:09

way to go dumb nut.

COMMENTS

By hussbogman | 0

#2044572 - Friday 4 February 2011 16:07

first

By gunmania0 | 12

#2044574 - Friday 4 February 2011 16:08

Hail Hitler!

By ContactSparrows | 0

#2044579 - Friday 4 February 2011 16:09

way to go dumb nut.

By gunmania0 | 12

#2044602 - Friday 4 February 2011 16:15

you just wait till you go to hell :)

By stevenmx86 | 7

#2044605 - Friday 4 February 2011 16:18

Wow, your dumb is showing op..

By snowboarder1019 | 5

#2044621 - Friday 4 February 2011 16:21

agree with #5

By DocBastard | 38

#2044631 - Friday 4 February 2011 16:22

Haha! Yeah, the symbol of the most vilified group of humans to ever live is freaking hysterical! I would've laughed my white-pride ass off!! LOLOLOLOOLOL no but seriously, you are a complete waste of flesh if you think for millisecond that shit is funny.

Your boss should be allowed to give you an Aldo Raine-type reminder of why this isn't funny, you vapid, empty, worthless soul.

Reply

BWill9014 | 4

#2044645 - Friday 4 February 2011 16:25

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By reagan71 | 11

#2044632 - Friday 4 February 2011 16:22

Please remind me why doing that would be funny...oh now I remember, IT'S NOT.

By needleinmypants_fml | 3

#2044637 - Friday 4 February 2011 16:23

"and thought it be funny..."

automatic YDI and you are now a vacuous insipent idiot.

By crzyry | 6

#2044640 - Friday 4 February 2011 16:24

Ydi, that was extremely dumb and you are lucky to still have a job.