Work: Today, I scraped the ice off my boss's car windows and thought... - FML

By Username

Today, I scraped the ice off my boss's car windows and thought it'd be funny to scrape a swastika in the ice on his roof. I didn't realize until it thawed off that it scratched it into the paint. He didn't find much humor in it and is making me pay for the damage. FML

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Understandable

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Boozehound alert

By Username

Today, while trying to explain to my date that a small coffee would be fine, I said "I'm cheap and I'm easy". FML

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By soomeone - United States

Today, I went to the movies with my girlfriend. I started putting my arm around her, when I hit her in the face. FML

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By :-O

Today, I came home from work early only to find my naked roommate in the living room with his ass in the air. Apparently, he was doing an experiment to see if you can launch a ball of tissue paper into the air by placing it on your bare anus and farting. FML

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By dan - United States - Phoenix

Today, after going out to dinner with my girlfriend, we went back to my place and things started getting hot. I went in the bathroom and put on a green condom. She wouldn't have sex with me because it looked "like a cucumber" and "cucumbers are nasty." FML

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By - United States - Tallahassee

Loud and long

Today, I'm stuck with sleeping in the same room as my mother. The problem? Her snores are extremely loud and a full minute long. I'm not kidding, I timed it. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/1/2021 08:02 - Netherlands - Almere

People are people

Today, after almost 2 months of working from home alone, I was out walking and heard 2 guys talking. One was sitting in his car smoking weed; the other was standing next to the car telling him how he was tested positive today. Maybe not mention you are Covid positive when you're not supposed to be in public at all. FML

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By gotitEVERYWHERE - United States

Today, after puking all over the bathroom and my legs, I called my husband for sympathy. The first thing he says is "Did you cry?" and when I answered no, instead of wishing me better he quickly exclaimed "WHO'S MY BIG GIRL!" FML

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By Evjoel - Bermuda - Hamilton

Today, whilst making a cake for my kids, I accidentally got some cocoa powder in my nose. Now it feels like my nose is burning stronger than the fires of hell. On the bright side, everything smells like chocolate. FML

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By heart-broken - Australia

Today, my girlfriend left me. The reason? She's not actually a lesbian. She has been using our relationship to piss off her conservative parents. We've been together for over a year, and I've been in love with her for over five. FML

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By lawdwhy

Today, my sense of smell is severely impaired by a bad cold. As a result, I inadvertently ate some highly questionable dairy. I figured this out after my roommate sniffed my yogurt and gagged, just before my bowels had their opportunity to object to my meal. FML

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By DED - United States - Eugene

Today, I found out that a co-worker has been promoted to Store Manager. She has been here for less than 6 months, and I have been with the company for 10 years. Guess who has been training her for the last 6 months. FML

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By littleman - United States

Today, I realized I'm too short to use the urinals at work. FML

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By SadMom

Today, I was told by a family member that if we come over on Christmas and my small children get upset or throw a fit, we will be asked to leave. I can't guarantee that my 2-year-old and 3-year-old won't have any meltdowns, so I guess we won't be spending Christmas with the rest of the family. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was going to surprise my boyfriend at his family birthday celebration with a $2,000 trip he's always wanted, Ireland. Right before my gift, he had opened his mother's gift, an envelope containing a plane ticket. Guess where it was going? FML

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By mylifesucks - France - Paris

Today, my girlfriend and I made love. She stared at her One Direction poster the whole time. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Athens

Today, my best friend can now say "I fucked your mom" to me and actually mean it. FML

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By missseloit3

Et tu, Brute?

Today I caught my husband cheating on me in our bed with my 19-year-old brother. FML

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By Jarman - United States - Columbus

Today, I had to turn down an offer of what seemed like some sexy time with a cute girl because my intestines were bursting with an intense desire to unleash molten lava. I rushed home to squat down, only to let out a disappointingly small piece of crud and a tiny fart. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while driving home with my boyfriend, we started discussing how clean our driving records were. I was boasting about how I'd never been in an accident when I hit a moose. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, during the trailers at the movies, my boyfriend elbowed me in the ribs and smiled when an ad for a weight loss institute was shown. FML

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By ForeverAlone - United Kingdom

Today, after watching over my drunken mother all last night to make sure she didn't choke on her own vomit, I came to the conclusion that at the age of 53, she's more of a party animal than I ever will be. I'm a 22 year old man. FML

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By erockinthesuburb - United States - Noblesville

Today, I was maced. Not by a person, but rather by one of those automatic air fresheners in the bathroom. It was conveniently placed at eye level, you know, for freshness. FML

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By blahbags - United Kingdom

Today, I was going on holiday. As I was checking in my bags, I said to the really cute steward, "I think I'm overweight." He told me about discounts for customers of 'larger proportions.' I was talking about my suitcase being overweight. FML

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By Jake - Australia

Today, I logged on to MSN for the first time in a month. In under 10 minutes, I found out that my little sister had changed my screen name to Jake the Weiner, told my friend that he should "suck my d***" and sent an email to all my contacts declaring my love for my best friend. FML

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By FML - United States

Today, I blushed when a fortune cookie said "You have the attitude of a winner." My self esteem is so low. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Anchorage

Today, my father told all of us that he eloped with his girlfriend of two months. I am engaged to the woman's daughter, and have been engaged since before they met, but now my family is making fun of me for marrying my "sister". FML

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By Anonymous - 23/9/2020 23:01 - United States - Waldwick

Facebook Science

Today, I was going to hang out with my crush and tell him how I felt, but he cancelled because I had COVID 5 months ago and his mom is afraid I’m contagious. I’m safer to hang out with because I now have antibodies and can’t transmit it. I’ve also had 4 negative tests since then. FML

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By Loki16 - United States - New York

Today, my girlfriend helped me apply liquid bandaid over an open wound. Unfortunately, she grabbed the liquid wart remover instead. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom revealed to me that when I was in Preschool, I used to get caught in the bathroom with little boys while I was feeling their "no no" area. I was giving hand jobs to boys before I could read. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I bleached my hair. Not only did it fry, it also has a very noticeable green tint and because of the damage, I can't dye it again for a while. Now I keep getting asked "Why so serious?" by my friends. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my daughter's school called to inform me that I needed to bring her some sneakers. Not feeling like driving the 15 minutes to her school, I told them I was away from town. Then I realized I was on my house phone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I hit a deer. The worst part? Papa deer saw me hit mama deer, and proceded to ram into my car. FML

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By brannonjames - United States

Today, I was getting coffee with my aunt, and she asked me to pay. She then turned to the Barista and said, "He's never had a girlfriend before, and I wanted to show him that they take your money." The Barista laughed so hard she had to excuse herself. FML

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By onepussytwopussy - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time, and I tried to be sexy by raking my nails down his back. I guess I did it a little too hard, because he shrieked in pain, leapt off me, and limped around the room cursing and whimpering. Mood ruined. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I met with a friend who had gained some weight since I saw him last. After a friendly hug, I put my hand on his new man boob and, without thinking, left it there way too long. I realized that I was groping him and, in a panic, did the only thing I could think of. I patted it. Twice. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Brampton

Today, I was threatened to be held back because of the lack of teacher-parent communication. My parents refuse to sign my report card because of my one mark below ninety percent. My teacher was dead serious about failing me. FML

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By no touching - Australia - Blacktown

Today, at a music festival, some douche unzipped the back of my skirt, exposing my Ninja Turtle undies to everyone before running off. FML

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By Anonymous

I don't care

Today, my girlfriend sent me a revenge video of her having sex with another guy, because I cheated on her. I got angry with her, but later used the video to masturbate. FML

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By samantha - 23/6/2020 02:02

Humblebrag in disguise

Today, while buying drinks, the cashier immediately refused me and said, “Don’t even bother showing me your ID, you’re obviously 12." I’m 31. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I bumped into my English teacher at an AA meeting. FML

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Top comments

By DocBastard | 38

#2044631 - Friday 4 February 2011 16:22

Haha! Yeah, the symbol of the most vilified group of humans to ever live is freaking hysterical! I would've laughed my white-pride ass off!! LOLOLOLOOLOL no but seriously, you are a complete waste of flesh if you think for millisecond that shit is funny.

Your boss should be allowed to give you an Aldo Raine-type reminder of why this isn't funny, you vapid, empty, worthless soul.

By ContactSparrows | 0

#2044579 - Friday 4 February 2011 16:09

way to go dumb nut.

COMMENTS

By hussbogman | 0

#2044572 - Friday 4 February 2011 16:07

first

By gunmania0 | 12

#2044574 - Friday 4 February 2011 16:08

Hail Hitler!

By ContactSparrows | 0

#2044579 - Friday 4 February 2011 16:09

way to go dumb nut.

By gunmania0 | 12

#2044602 - Friday 4 February 2011 16:15

you just wait till you go to hell :)

By stevenmx86 | 7

#2044605 - Friday 4 February 2011 16:18

Wow, your dumb is showing op..

By snowboarder1019 | 5

#2044621 - Friday 4 February 2011 16:21

agree with #5

By DocBastard | 38

#2044631 - Friday 4 February 2011 16:22

Haha! Yeah, the symbol of the most vilified group of humans to ever live is freaking hysterical! I would've laughed my white-pride ass off!! LOLOLOLOOLOL no but seriously, you are a complete waste of flesh if you think for millisecond that shit is funny.

Your boss should be allowed to give you an Aldo Raine-type reminder of why this isn't funny, you vapid, empty, worthless soul.

Reply

BWill9014 | 4

#2044645 - Friday 4 February 2011 16:25

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

By reagan71 | 11

#2044632 - Friday 4 February 2011 16:22

Please remind me why doing that would be funny...oh now I remember, IT'S NOT.

By needleinmypants_fml | 3

#2044637 - Friday 4 February 2011 16:23

"and thought it be funny..."

automatic YDI and you are now a vacuous insipent idiot.

By crzyry | 6

#2044640 - Friday 4 February 2011 16:24

Ydi, that was extremely dumb and you are lucky to still have a job.