Today, I scraped the ice off my boss's car windows and thought... - FML

By Username

Today, I scraped the ice off my boss's car windows and thought it'd be funny to scrape a swastika in the ice on his roof. I didn't realize until it thawed off that it scratched it into the paint. He didn't find much humor in it and is making me pay for the damage. FML

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Bad guy (duh)

Father material

"Based on your purchase history…"

By Anonymous - Israel

Today, I bought my son a nice car for his 18th birthday. When I gave it to him, he just got mad and told me that if I really wanted to spend that much money on him, I should've used it to help him pay for college. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, we'd booked a spot for 20 people for my grandma's birthday. Turns out the reservation didn't go through. Now 20 people are waiting inside and outside for a group of old people to finish eating. They just barely got their food. FML

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By ugh - United States

Today, I went out to dinner with my boyfriend and his mom. The hostess asked if I needed "the kid's menu," remarked how I look "so grown up for your age," and asked what grade I was in. I said I'm in university. She laughed as if it was the best joke ever told. I'm 22. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had sex with a Juggalo. FML

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By fine - United States - Danvers

Today, after struggling for over a year with it, and now having it medically confirmed, I told my step-dad about my depression. He gave me a disgusted look and scoffed, "Toughen up, cunt." FML

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By abbiexo97

Today, I had a dream that I had to abandon my shopping at the checkout due to lack of funds. Even in my dreams I don’t have any money. FML

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By madessalarouge - United States

Today, my 4 year old son excitedly asked me if he'd get to see drones at the zoo. He apparently thinks drones are living creatures. I guess I can go ahead and spend his college savings on shoes. FML

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By hannah - United Kingdom

Today, my friend finally convinced me that if I picked up her cat it wouldn't scratch my eyes out. It peed on me instead. FML

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By Blie

Today, I was so drunk that I pissed myself in a hotel hallway while wearing a dress. My shoes squished all the way back to the room. FML

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By ugh - United States - Agoura Hills

Today, I crashed my car into a bridge, while playing a song with the line, "I crashed my car into a bridge". FML

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By naas1201 - 28/11/2020 05:02 - China

Bigger cages! Longer chains!

Today, I'm working in China and I had to explain to my boss that no, it's not okay to not pay me for 3 months. FML

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By moronicmoroccan - Philippines

Today, my boss replied-to-all to a memo I sent, wherein he states that "Filipino" should be spelled with a double P. He spells his nationality with a double R. He's from Morocco. FML

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By sarahhbear - United States - Bryan

Today, my older brother thought it would be hilarious to sneak up and scare me in the grocery aisle at the store. I screamed and jumped, knocking half the shelf's contents all over the floor. We're now banned from the only grocery store in town. FML

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By ok then

Today, my sister called my Native American friend a bigot for saying he had no problem with the name "Cleveland Indians". FML

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By all5fingers - Canada

Today, I was playing my guitar and felt something like an itch under my foot, so I attempted to scratch it by rubbing against the floor. The big cockroach made a very distinct "crunch". FML

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By budbunny13 - United States

Today, I saw a pink, slimy thing coming out of my dog's knob. I got really freaked out so I took him to the vet, only to find out that it was his penis. FML

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By fanaticalfuckspawn - United States - Santa Cruz

Today, I told my mom I've been taking yoga lessons, and that it'd be cool if she took some with me. She immediately went on a rant, calling yoga "satanic" and accusing me of trying to get her into "devil worship". Well, that's the last time I try to patch our relationship up. FML

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By barri - Costa Rica

Today, both of my grandparents died in a car accident. My Mom and Dad thought it would make me feel better to know they were not my real grandparents, because I'm adopted. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I learned that the gong my job installed less than 30 feet from my desk is being moved, due to noise complaints. To the office building I'm moving to in a few weeks. FML

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By suckerrrrr - United States

Today, I bought a top with some other things. I went to the restroom and had diarrhea, but there was no toilet paper in the stall. I had to use the receipt from the store. I then realized the clerk hadn't put the top in the bag. I needed that receipt to get the top. FML

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By deargodthepain - United States

Today, I was singing in the shower but couldn't hit the higher notes. My wife complained and 2 minutes later she ran a tap causing my shower to go freezing. I shrieked. My wife said my pitch was still wrong. FML

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By Dave - United States

Today, my girlfriend of 3 years told me that I was part of an experiment for her Sociology doctorate. I also learned that the notebooks she's been writing in for the past three years aren't for her "doctorate in literature" as she had told me, they were notes on my behavior for the past 3 years. FML

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By Nancy - United States

Today, I came home and noticed that sometime while I was at school, someone cut off half of my ponytail. FML

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By ICallBullshxt

Today, I added my boss to the "ew" list on Skype. I then realized it sends her a notification. FML

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By HappyBirthday - United States

Today, it was my friend's birthday. She's been having problems with most of her friends besides me lately, so I wanted to do something special. I brought her a cake. Me and her were the only ones to have any. It gave us both food poisoning. FML

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By hedayk - United States - Bronx

Today, I woke up so hungover that when I went to the bathroom and caught sight of myself in the mirror, I screamed, slipped backwards, and smashed my head against the rim of my bathtub. FML

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By Kit - United Kingdom - Swindon

Today, I told my boyfriend I loved him. He told me he was a dinosaur. FML

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By grow_fasterrr - - Canada

Today, I went to get a trim. However, follow-up damage control at home afterward shouldn't really be necessary on a fifty dollar haircut. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I found out I'm pregnant. My husband had a vasectomy several years ago. I've been faithful the whole time, but he wouldn't believe me, even after I showed him that vasectomies can reverse themselves. FML

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By storyteller - United States - Elkhart

Today, I noticed I've been an Amazon Prime member for 2 years and never knew. FML

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By nickrick12 - United States

Today, as a 1 year anniversary present, my boyfriend let me see and wear my engagement ring. He then made me give it back at the end of the day. FML

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By sonwhy - United States - Brookfield

Today, I found out that my son set up a telescope in the attic not so he could study astronomy like he told me, but so he could spy on the girl across the street. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Stockton

Today, I found out the record label I was talking to was actually just my friends who have way too much time on their hands. FML

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By Anonymous

Venus in Furs

Today, my boyfriend asked my dad why he gave me the nickname "Bear," which he has called me since I was very little. My dad responded, "Because she has a hairy back." FML

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By Oopsie

Today, I accidentally sent a screenshot of my Tinder conversation to my mom, instead of my friend. Yes, it was dirty. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned that my boyfriend has narcolepsy when we were having sex and he passed out on top of me. FML

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By SugarCoat

Bastard Bambi busts bumper

Today, I volunteered to go get ice cream if I could use my mother's car. She told me to be VERY careful. Not ten minutes later, I hit a deer, which got up and walked off as though nothing had happened. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend is getting back together with his crazy alcoholic ex-wife who frequently cheated on him. In addition to this news, I also found out that he maxed out all my credit cards. FML

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By UnicornWaffles - United States - Wooster

Today, I saw the guy I've been seeing passing by my dorm. I called out to him, but he covered his ears and crossed the street. Well, at least I have ice cream in my fridge. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brooklyn

Today, at my first day of work at a new job, I got stuck in the elevator going to the parking garage. I have claustrophobia about both elevators and parking garages. They said this never happens. FML

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Top comments

By DocBastard | 38

#2044631 - Friday 4 February 2011 16:22

Haha! Yeah, the symbol of the most vilified group of humans to ever live is freaking hysterical! I would've laughed my white-pride ass off!! LOLOLOLOOLOL no but seriously, you are a complete waste of flesh if you think for millisecond that shit is funny.

Your boss should be allowed to give you an Aldo Raine-type reminder of why this isn't funny, you vapid, empty, worthless soul.

By ContactSparrows | 0

#2044579 - Friday 4 February 2011 16:09

way to go dumb nut.

COMMENTS

By hussbogman | 0

#2044572 - Friday 4 February 2011 16:07

first

By gunmania0 | 12

#2044574 - Friday 4 February 2011 16:08

Hail Hitler!

By ContactSparrows | 0

#2044579 - Friday 4 February 2011 16:09

way to go dumb nut.

By gunmania0 | 12

#2044602 - Friday 4 February 2011 16:15

you just wait till you go to hell :)

By stevenmx86 | 7

#2044605 - Friday 4 February 2011 16:18

Wow, your dumb is showing op..

By snowboarder1019 | 5

#2044621 - Friday 4 February 2011 16:21

agree with #5

By DocBastard | 38

#2044631 - Friday 4 February 2011 16:22

Haha! Yeah, the symbol of the most vilified group of humans to ever live is freaking hysterical! I would've laughed my white-pride ass off!! LOLOLOLOOLOL no but seriously, you are a complete waste of flesh if you think for millisecond that shit is funny.

Your boss should be allowed to give you an Aldo Raine-type reminder of why this isn't funny, you vapid, empty, worthless soul.

Reply

BWill9014 | 4

#2044645 - Friday 4 February 2011 16:25

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By reagan71 | 11

#2044632 - Friday 4 February 2011 16:22

Please remind me why doing that would be funny...oh now I remember, IT'S NOT.

By needleinmypants_fml | 3

#2044637 - Friday 4 February 2011 16:23

"and thought it be funny..."

automatic YDI and you are now a vacuous insipent idiot.

By crzyry | 6

#2044640 - Friday 4 February 2011 16:24

Ydi, that was extremely dumb and you are lucky to still have a job.