Today, I went to work only to serve one table, make a $9.00 tip,...

By ren - 13/1/2009 20:54 - United States

Today, I went to work only to serve one table, make a $9.00 tip, get sent home because it was slow, have the city busses stop running because of weather, and have to pay a $20 cab fare to get home. FML

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Love

Instadrama

You snooze, you lose

Time for the ER

By ihatedogs - 22/6/2009 04:04 - United States

Today, my brother came down to my house, bringing his untrained puppies with him. As we were eating dinner, I dropped part of my sandwich in a liquid that was on the tablecloth. Thinking it was water, I ate it. As I chewed, I realized the liquid wasn't water. My sandwich was dipped in dog urine. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/1/2011 22:52 - United States

Today, my mother came over again to help me work on my Student Aid application. She also brought over the savings bonds that she has been accumulating since I was born to help pay for college. Turns out they won't reach maturity until I'm thirty. She never bothered to check out this fact. I'm screwed for college. FML

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By hatinthelife - 18/2/2012 06:34 - United States

Over and out

Today, I had to explain to my girlfriend of six months that giving another guy a blow job IS cheating. FML

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By peteswentzbass - 26/1/2013 17:18 - Netherlands - Nuenen

Today, my roommate and I noticed a foul smell in our apartment. After looking around for a little while, I found that her cat had pooped on a pair of my jeans, and apparently tried to cover it up by dragging a shirt over the mess. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/8/2015 07:45 - India - Kolkata

Today, is my five year anniversary. My boyfriend said he was gonna get me something shiny this year. I thought he was gonna propose. He got me a set of sparkle glue. FML

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By Ohkourt - 20/4/2020 05:00

Mommy dearest

Today, I woke up only to find my half-naked drunk mother in my living room, talking in her sleep about how much she hates me. She still doesn't see what's wrong with this picture. FML

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By kiwi - 13/2/2009 19:24 - United Kingdom

Today, as I was getting dressed after having sex with a guy I like, he told me I looked better with my clothes on. FML

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By anon - 22/2/2009 04:49 - United States

Today, I got fired from a great baby sitting job because the little girl said I was boring. FML

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By Loveless - 23/8/2009 00:43 - United States

Today, after my partner of two years broke up with me, I decided to have a heart to heart with my mother about it. Her advice was to clean the house. I asked how that would make me feel better. She said that she wasn't sure, but at least the house would be clean. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/7/2009 17:50 - United States

Today, I was at the doctors getting a pap smear and she asked if it was alright if a doctor in training could come in to observe. I was already laying on the table with my feet in the stirups so everything was in plain sight. When the man came in to observe I looked up to see my brother in law. FML

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By anon - 30/8/2016 18:32 - United States - Atlanta

Today, I texted my girlfriend a long, heartfelt message this morning. Her response? "What do you need? Or is this even really you?" FML

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By BrilsmurfO_O - 6/4/2009 14:12 - Netherlands

Today, I was at IKEA with my parents. I walked away from them and later I heard the speaker of the store call my name asking me to come to the playground because my mom and dad were worried. I'm 18. FML

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By llozano715 - 13/9/2010 05:41 - France

Today, I got the car of my dreams. My daughter also learned how to write her name. Now I have "LAUREN" across the side of my car. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/11/2010 17:46 - United States

Today, I was drinking coffee out of my favorite mug, when it slipped out of my hand. I caught it, but not before most of the hot coffee spilled all over my lap. In reaction, I dropped the mug again, shattering it. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/8/2019 04:00

Today, I tripped and fell going up the stairs, not once, but twice at work as I was leading customers through our building. I actually got bruises. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2014 15:55 - United States - Raleigh

Today, I woke up to find a huge zit directly between my two eyebrows. My friends have started calling me "The North Star." FML

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By Sassers - 3/12/2009 21:08 - United States

Today, I heard a loud crashing noise. I ran into the kitchen to see what it was. My cat had knocked over my fish bowl and had my Beta in her mouth. After scolding her and rescuing it, I decided to clean its bowl. When I went to dump some of the water in the sink, my fish went down the drain. FML

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By urgg - 5/9/2010 14:20 - United States

Today, I woke up from a dream in which I had a penis. Apparently I talk in my sleep, because my boyfriend kept staring at my crotch. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/9/2019 18:00

Quality time

Today, I'm finally visiting my long-distance boyfriend in his home country. He has a vomit-inducing migraine, and the traditional food he fed me triggered the worst kidney attack I've had in years. We're both lying on the couch writhing in pain. Yay, quality time together. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/1/2018 19:00

Today, I got my period during my dance solo. My costume was white. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/12/2012 07:48 - United States

Today, I saw a man in an army uniform. As a bit of a patriot, I went up to thank him for his service. After about 10 minutes of me going on and on, he started laughing. He wasn't a soldier. FML

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By Tara - 31/10/2008 07:06 - Sweden

Today, I baby sat a four-year old kid, because his parents went partying. Once in bed, he yells "I want to go party!!". After 3 or 4 times, I told him to go to sleep. 2 hours later, wet bed. "Told you I want to go potty!!" FML

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By goldfish - 6/3/2012 02:47 - Canada

Today, I came home to an eviction notice after an apartment inspection. The reason? Having an unauthorized pet that could cause unnecessary damage to my suite. My pet is a goldfish. FML

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By crub - 5/3/2009 15:10 - United States

Today, I had my quarterly review with my supervisor at the warehouse I work at. He told me I was doing great and we discussed my raise. After I left his office, his supervisor told me I was being fired for my attendance. The last time I missed work was to attend a funeral. Five months ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/1/2015 18:27 - United States - Katy

Today, my in-laws were visiting. My mother-in-law asked my 10-year-old son what he wants to be when he grows up. He said "A pimp!" I have no idea where he even heard the word, but the death glares my in-laws gave me made me want to shrivel up and die. FML

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By GrahamCracker - 21/5/2009 05:36 - United States

Today, I was taking a final exam and I reached into my pocket to get out a pencil. I felt this thing in my pocket so I got it out and put it on the desk. At first I thought it was a leaf but then it started kicking and trying to run around. It was a cockroach. It had been living in my pocket. FML

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By OverweightTeen - 14/1/2010 06:59 - Canada

Today, I added some of my own money to the tip jar in the Subway I work at to make myself look less pathetic. FML

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By SKuser - 19/5/2009 08:09 - China

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. She later came into the T-Mobile that I work at to return the Sidekick that I bought for her. I had to transfer her account to a new Iphone. She got the Iphone from her new boyfriend, who works across the street from me. FML

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By Sissyleemae - 16/9/2018 14:30

Today, I got fired from my job for stopping a shoplifter. Where's the logic? FML

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By BrokenHangLow - 24/4/2017 12:00 - United States - Havelock

Today, my roommate barged into my bedroom while my girlfriend and I were getting intimate. She freaked out and spun off of me trying to cover herself. I'm now in the hospital with a fractured dingle-dangle. What did he want that was so important? To ask if he could eat last pack of Pop-Tarts. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/5/2013 15:53 - United States

Today, my dad called me a "deadbeat loser" after I came back from my first day of voluntary rehab for my meth problem. He's never had a job in his life and sits on the sofa all day, smoking weed and playing video games, all on my mom's salary. FML

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By bitch - 7/10/2013 07:37 - Australia

Today, I was working behind the bar at a club. After serving drinks to a guy, he asked me if I could carry them outside to the two girls waiting for him. I scowled at him and told him I wasn't a waitress. That's when I realised he had one arm. FML

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By oops - 22/8/2014 14:35 - Australia - Wembley

Today, I stuck one of those "kick me" signs on my friend's back for fun, and someone took the invitation. Unfortunately, my friend whirled around and beat the shit out of him. I managed to sneak the sign off his back, but now I feel like a total asshole. FML

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By Max - 30/1/2017 12:00 - United States - Bluffton

Today, I tried to grab a coffee at the McDonald's drive-thru on my way home from work, but as I drove away from the restaurant a kid darted across the parking lot right in front of me. I had to slam hard on my brakes to avoid hitting him, in the process spilling my hot coffee all over my jeans. FML

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By hollysofly - 15/1/2011 07:38 - United States

Today, I went on the first date of my life. I also burped during my first kiss. FML

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By Ugh-Lee - 30/9/2010 15:07 - United States

Today, a cute girl sat down next to me on the bus. She looked up at me, and then moved to the back. FML

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By GeneralElement - 19/2/2010 06:32 - United States

Today, in math, I was working on an assignment and this really cute girl comes over and says my name. At this point, my heart is pumping with excitement and I'm thinking she is going to ask for my number. She said, "Did you know someone drew a penis on your back?" FML

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By sad-boing - 2/10/2015 21:01 - United Kingdom - Dartford

Today, my hormones are so screwed, I popped a boner at the sight of two grasshoppers mating and had to retire to my room for a wank. FML

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By must.not.itch. - 2/6/2012 23:25 - United States - Hayward

Today, on the bright side, my boobs grew a size. Unfortunately, this was only after bed bugs decided to attack my nipples. FML

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By chichi - 7/2/2009 20:09 - United States

Today, I went to Subway to grab some lunch. As I was paying, the cashier gave me a tip. He told me of a great acne medication that would do wonders. Thanks. FML

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Top comments

By ihpb09 | 0

#46556 - Saturday 21 March 2009 2:54

ouch.. cant say i feel for u, but i hope the rest of ur week turned out alright.

sunny smiles! :D

By brkn_hearted | 0

#92503 - Wednesday 8 April 2009 8:14

damn, talk about shitty. hope that doesn't happen again

COMMENTS

By ihpb09 | 0

#46556 - Saturday 21 March 2009 2:54

ouch.. cant say i feel for u, but i hope the rest of ur week turned out alright.

sunny smiles! :D

Gettinmahlulz | 2

#3329708 - Thursday 22 September 2011 22:10

Am I the only one wondering why this is in the "love" category? (FYL OP)

Edwinadii | 4

#3923851 - Sunday 22 January 2012 11:39

Tha fuck?...9 dollar tip from just one table?...either im cheap or there rich.

mxij | 13

#5579467 - Sunday 14 July 2013 8:41

My thoughts exactly #14

christinamarie17 | 29

#6148343 - Friday 19 December 2014 8:39

Depending on the price of their tab $9 might actually be cheap. I've gotten $30 tips before because their bill was $130 and they wanted to leave me 20%.