Work: Today, I was working as a clown (Pennywise) in a haunted maze.... - FML

By Anonymous - France

Today, I was working as a clown (Pennywise) in a haunted maze. A bunch of drunk guys came in and started breaking props. I decided to stay still and follow through with the scare. I ended up getting kicked in a very sensitive area. The security guard just laughed. FML

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Proactive

Innocent

Left hanging

By cjy152 - United States

Today, I found out that my stalker ex-girlfriend named her new born son after me. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Ilkeston

Today, I got rear-ended because my ultra-clingy girlfriend wouldn't let go of my hand long enough for me to shift gears. FML

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By MexicanMe - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I had breakfast with his grandmother. She told him how I'm prettier than "that Mexican" he'd brought home for dinner last week. We had dinner with her last week, and I'm that same Mexican. She then went on to how Mexicans are what's wrong with the economy. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my daughter called me to pick her up at the mall. She said I had to meet her inside a specific store, so I figured she wanted me to pay for something. Turns out I was right, she was being arrested for shoplifting. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I learned something new. I knew that ripening apples release some kind of gas that affects other fruit. But I learned that apparently, it can also affect living plants. Meaning that if you keep a windfall of apples in the same room as a potted rose, the rose will die. FML

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By Owned - Taiwan

Today, me and a friend I met in the club were sandwiching this blonde girl dancing, when 5 minutes later she turned around and said that I should get another girl and gently brushed me aside. FML

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By EmployeeOfTheMonth - United States

Today, my attractive boss sat me down in the break room to say how much she appreciated how much work I've been doing despite being a temp. She was wearing a skirt, and I couldn't take my eyes off her legs. She then patted me on the leg and said "Good Talk". It wasn't my leg. FML

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By Ryanissaur - Australia

Today, being a music student, a professional orchestra performed a symphony that I wrote and dedicated to my girlfriend. It took months to compose and it the first and only time it was ever going to be played. My girlfriend forgot to come. FML

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By not twilight - United States - Charlotte

Today, it was my first day working at a dog boarding kennel. I got bit... by my coworker. FML

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By life insurance for 1 - United States - Encino

Today, I woke up to my 5-year-old son covering my nose and mouth with his hand and complaining, "Noooo, you need to die now." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I treated my boyfriend to an expensive dinner using the last of my paycheck. I had to excuse myself to the bathroom a few minutes in. I came back to find my plate empty. His excuse was, "I didn't want the food to get cold." FML

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By thenewgirl - United States - Jacksonville

Today, my boyfriend and I were wondering whose extra spare key was on the counter when we came home. Turns out it's his ex's and she returned it, while neither of us were home. We're still taking inventory to see what's missing. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I woke up to my apartment filled with smoke, fire alarms blaring. My roommate set my kitchen on fire while making hot dogs. This is the fourth time this has happened. FML

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By DantesInfernalRage

Today, I had to resign from my job because I tested positive for drugs. I've never taken drugs. FML

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By suckstobeme - United States

Today, I asked my girlfriend what her favorite quality about me was. Her answer, "Your car." FML

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By Gilly

Today, my kid felt bad that our cat didn't get an Easter egg hunt at Easter so he has hidden sardines around the house for her to find. The house reeks and I don't know how many are left to find. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New Kensington

Today, I went to the gynecologist. As she was checking me out, she said, "Wow. So you must get wet a lot." It took me several minutes to realize she was talking about my job bathing dogs. FML

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By Ihaveaheadache - United States

Today, my dad put in wall plug-ins that emit high frequencies that are suppose to ward off mice. I must be a mouse, because I can hear the annoying noise in every room I walk into. FML

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By Meagan smith - United States

Today, I started my new job as a teacher. Worried about how I looked, I asked a coworker if I looked okay. She said, "You look fine. Just like a normal high school kid." I spent the next half hour convincing her that I was not a student, but a teacher. FML

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By mandosfriend - United States - Pomona

Today, I got yelled at by a man for not opening my store 10-15 minutes before the scheduled opening time, which made his 84-year-old wife shit her pants waiting to get in. It didn't matter when I explained I had no way to know she needed to use the restroom. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I'm travelling across the country with my family. My grandma thought it would be a good idea to take her shoes off. It's been 5 minutes and my eyes are watering from the stench. We still have over 200 miles left until we get home. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at a local club with my friends sitting at a table when some guys approached us. One of them started telling me about his recent adventures through Europe and was very interesting. Something warm hit my leg and I realized the guy was urinating on me. FML

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By smellymcgee - United States - Farmington

Today, I came home to the vilest stench I've ever smelled. I had to open a floor vent and scoop up the turd that was inside. Funnily enough, today was the day my scumbag roommate moved out, but I'm sure he had absolutely nothing to do with it. FML

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By fml - United States

Today, my mom tried to diagnose my sickness with advice she'd gotten from a dog magazine. FML

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By Really? - Australia - Homebush

Today, during an endless heat wave, I sat at my local pub having a beer. I was delighted as a cool sea breeze started to come through. I was less delighted when the sea breeze picked up and blew cigarette ash onto my sweaty face and into my mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I learned that a spontaneous romantic gesture of arriving home early with flowers and wine is not welcome when your wife is busy having sex with your brother. FML

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By bitter cherry - United States

Today, I took a cough drop to soothe my sore throat, only to choke, gag, and spend the next ten minutes at the point of vomiting because the bitter lozenge got stuck in my windpipe. FML

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By stillkindahorny - United States

Today, I finally had sex with the guy I've been seeing. It took him longer to put the condom on than it did to finish. FML

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By LostSoul

Today, I found out why you never leave wet leather shoes in a van when it's over 90 degrees. FML

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By lying fuck! - 22/6/2020 14:02

Shameless

Today, I walked into my husband's office and accidentally interrupted his business call to tell him dinner was ready. Silly me, I didn’t realize his "business call" included Skyping with his topless ex, with his pants down. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my friend called me freaking out because of an online pregnancy test. She was scared because she had no idea that she was pregnant, let alone having a fifteen pound baby. The website is a joke. She goes to an Ivy League school, and I couldn't even get into community college. FML

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By

Today, I have to pay my college an extra $1000 because there is a $20 charge every time you get locked out of your room, and I have an extremely poor short-term memory. I'm also only allowed to have exactly one keycard at any given time. FML

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By Soopa-Genius - Canada

Today, the new office IT guy figured the best way to get the virus off my computer was to wipe my entire hard drive. He was kind enough to back my data up and restore everything from the backups. Including the virus. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I accidentally called a student in my 10th grade English class "David" instead of "Dylan". Without thinking, I said, "I'm sorry, I just have a lot of d's in my life!". All of my students broke out in mortified laughter. FML

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By Down - United States

Today, my ex told me he broke up with me because he loved me, and that he was afraid of the commitment. He's living with his new girlfriend now. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/2/2021 20:01 - Canada

So compassionate

Today, my longterm girlfriend and I broke up after 2 months of me not being myself, due to repressed memories of a childhood trauma. Prior to this coming up, I was about about ask her to marry me. FML

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By m33p - United States - San Francisco

Today, I took a nice relaxing dump at school, in my pants, in the middle of class. FML

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By shastadoe - United States - Los Banos

Today, my boyfriend told me he was a vampire. I burst out in laughter and said he was ridiculous. He looked at me in disgust and said he couldn't be with someone who didn't trust and believe in him. I'm now single. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, the only reason I have toilet paper is because someone decided to teepee my driveway and left an entire roll behind. FML

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By Carrie - 23/2/2021 21:30

Bad boy!

Today, I was enjoying my dinner by my patio window when I spotted a cat roaming through my backyard. As I observed it explore my yard, I also watched as it climbed onto, then took a piss on the freshly clean clothes I had left to dry. FML

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Top comments

By FerrariCake | 2

#827805 - Friday 5 February 2010 17:28

You were in a haunted maze?? You could have killed them with a chainsaw and no one would have noticed!! Everyone would have assumed their dismembered bodies were just props.

You have to recognize opportunity when it's staring you in the face or you won't get anywhere in life.

By teamhat | 0

#827628 - Friday 5 February 2010 16:19

pennywise has to be one of the scariest shit clowns EVER

COMMENTS

By fjoson | 0

#827575 - Friday 5 February 2010 16:04

Haha you shoulda known better...

Reply

assasin_fml | 0

#828836 - Saturday 6 February 2010 1:28

in your DICK????

Reply

StoryOfTheYear | 13

#828991 - Saturday 6 February 2010 2:37

no... he got kicked on the arm, obviously

Reply

boyguydudemalema | 0

#829854 - Saturday 6 February 2010 9:46

ur a clown, drunk or not i'd kick you too

Reply

Xuphra | 0

#912229 - Wednesday 3 March 2010 23:56

YDI.

Reply

pcakewafflebacon | 0

#1391268 - Sunday 12 September 2010 5:48

should of pulled some space demon shit on they asses

By Giant85 | 0

#827577 - Friday 5 February 2010 16:04

should've gone off and told or at least hide. then your balls would have been spared

By Ventru | 0

#827584 - Friday 5 February 2010 16:06

poor twins :(

By Turtles_rock | 0

#827601 - Friday 5 February 2010 16:12

Lmfao

By Averizzle | 0

#827621 - Friday 5 February 2010 16:17

Should of told off the guard and punched the guys.

By clib542 | 0

#827627 - Friday 5 February 2010 16:19

great employee you are, people are destroying your work place and you are going to pretend your a statue and do nothing

Reply

ktbird | 0

#827956 - Friday 5 February 2010 18:50

Uh no I disagree. It's his job to scare people which he was doing. it's security's job to control unruly people and the guard didn't do shit.

Reply

BritishHobo | 0

#828342 - Friday 5 February 2010 22:00

Yeah, why should one of the actors stop some drunk guys, when there's a bloody security guard?

Reply

randomk1d | 0

#831599 - Sunday 7 February 2010 0:34

Scurittyy!

By teamhat | 0

#827628 - Friday 5 February 2010 16:19

pennywise has to be one of the scariest shit clowns EVER

By Gobsnoglin | 0

#827656 - Friday 5 February 2010 16:26

You were NOT thinking with your dipstick, Jimmy!

Reply

Trent14 | 0

#829292 - Saturday 6 February 2010 5:00

hahaha epic win

By vynnkalos | 0

#827675 - Friday 5 February 2010 16:33

i agree with 6. they have a word for people like you. it starts with "D" and rhymes with "rumbass"

Reply

firecopy | 6

#828417 - Friday 5 February 2010 22:43

uhhh he would have been a dumbass if he did help because he would have been tolls off by his employer. However I completly agree that the gaurd is a dumbass and should be fired.

By iamthespider | 0

#827680 - Friday 5 February 2010 16:36

ydi clowns suck

Reply

boyguydudemalema | 0

#829862 - Saturday 6 February 2010 9:48

i agree