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By knockedup - 13/02/2011 10:00 - Australia

Today, I had to say a deep sincere speech on assembly in front of the whole college on the recent floods in Queensland. Instead of saying "We are Queenslanders, when we get knocked down, we get back up" I stumbled and said "We are Queenslanders, when we get knocked up..." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 699

You deserved it 5 510

Way too public

By stewiesclone - 11/02/2010 09:09 - United States

Today, I was taking a dump in a public restroom. Minding my own business, I heard somebody go into an adjacent stall. It was dead silent and I don't think he knew I was in there. I thought I heard him scratching his arm or something. I was wrong. He was jacking off. I had to listen to it all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 042

You deserved it 3 084

By anx133 - 16/01/2009 01:25 - China

Today, I daringly tried that fish-bath thing, where all these fish come and eat all of your skin's dead cells. I got into it, and after 15 minutes of being a human buffet, at least 20 of the fish died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 549

You deserved it 6 736

By Krit - 10/02/2010 15:10 - United States

Today, my drunk mother got into a fight with the lady at Krystal burger. Why? "Because the bitch said they aren't making special orders." FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 949

You deserved it 2 611

Happy now?

By minime94 - 15/11/2012 06:35 - United States - Sunset

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend while we were on my couch having a romantic moment. She seemed incredibly excited when she saw the ring and put it on. The way she bolted out the door tells me I'm not going to see her again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 398

You deserved it 2 560

Gimme my stuff

By siciliano12594 - 12/11/2012 18:40 - United States - Harrison

Today, I learned that last week, the UPS man gave my package to my neighbor for safekeeping. It was over five-hundred dollars' worth of merchandise. My neighbor left for Canada on Saturday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 166

You deserved it 1 960

Mean boys

By 50love - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. After he did, he walked over to his friends. I saw him tell them that he broke up with me. After he'd finished, all of them cheered. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 516

You deserved it 8 298

High school drama

By Anonymous - 16/07/2020 20:04

Today, I found out the promise ring my boyfriend of 4 months gave me used to be his ex-girlfriend's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 647

You deserved it 228

By Poorman - 11/12/2011 01:03 - United Kingdom

Today, our new boss showed up for his first day of work. I thought I'd seen it all, but he demands that we say "Hail to the King" every time he passes through the office. When I called HR about it, the guy on the other end told me to "man up and deal with it". FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 354

You deserved it 4 289

**** management

By jobless! - 17/10/2021 23:00

Today, I tried to clock in at 2 pm, but the machine was malfunctioning and kept refusing my card until 2:01. Just yesterday, our manager gave a long angry speech about firing the next person who doesn’t clock in when they’re supposed to, “on the dot.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 063

You deserved it 106

Excuses

By NotAnExcuse - 07/11/2012 05:58 - United States

Today, a woman on the train demanded I give up my seat for her, claiming it was for people with disabilities. Tired from a long day at work, and seeing she had nothing wrong with her, I asked what her disability was. Apparently, obesity is one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 660

You deserved it 2 401

By Anonymous - 03/02/2015 19:03 - Netherlands - Kerkrade

Today, somebody poured a cup of coffee down the back of my shirt. When I turned around, I saw a man who said, "You looked like my ex from behind!" and ran off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 205

You deserved it 2 195

By skidmark - 08/12/2011 14:48 - United States

Today, while standing completely still at Walmart, I was hit by a drunk man on a Jazzy Scooter. He laughed, said it was an accident, gunned the scooter and took out two more people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 454

You deserved it 2 676

By grossedout - 01/02/2015 23:10 - United States - Newport News

Today, I witnessed a man masturbate into a public urinal, miss, fart, and then leave without washing his hands. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 323

You deserved it 2 761

Riot!

By gmnesbitt - 07/12/2011 05:26 - United States

Today, it was my first time as a hockey referee, for a game played by 7-year-olds. At one point, a little boy tripped another boy. Doing my job, I gave him 2 minutes in the penalty box. After the game, I was attacked by a mob of parents. I was even given an optometrist's business card. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 030

You deserved it 2 579

Pure class

By DanceOnTheEdge - 20/07/2009 01:23 - United States

Today, I was riding in the car with my boyfriend. While he was driving, I held out my hand as an offer for him to hold it. Instead, he grabs me by the wrist and shoves my hand down his pants. Lovely. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 747

You deserved it 19 408

By Anonymous - 31/01/2015 01:25 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, when making a delivery for the restaurant I work for, a customer shoved and yelled at me because she didn't get any fries with her order. She didn't order any, which isn't unusual, considering we're a Chinese takeaway and don't even sell them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 856

You deserved it 2 068

All or nothing

By FLkiki - 24/07/2020 20:00

Today, I found out I didn’t get a job because I'd flashed the owner whilst drunk. Guess my tits weren’t better than my resume. FML

I agree, your life sucks 589

You deserved it 2 223

Panic! At the Door Handle

By Anonymous - 29/10/2021 05:00

Today, I told my boyfriend I’m pregnant. He immediately had a massive panic attack about how a kid is going to ruin his life and split us up, because obviously I’ll choose the baby over him. We’re now in hospital because he hyperventilated, passed out and fractured his skull on the door handle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 714

You deserved it 349

Multitasking

By Anonymous - 12/01/2023 04:00

Today, I found out that my boyfriend, whom I live with, has been having an emotional affair with two other women, both ex-girlfriends. He's been sexting them during our one and a half year relationship, and even brought me up in their conversations, about how I'm not hotter than them and how they can suck his c**k better. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 544

You deserved it 247

By Anonymous - 30/01/2015 08:57 - United States - Portland

Today, I was excited that my sister called me for the first time in months. She asked me to stop watching "Friends" so she could use the Netflix account. Now, I still have an absentee sister and no Friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 990

You deserved it 3 223

Whatever floats your boat

By Anonymous - 01/11/2012 11:48 - France - Belloy-en-france

Today, dressed in my sexiest nightie, I asked my boyfriend in the most sensual voice possible what he'd like me do to for him tonight. His eyed widened, he started clapping wildly, and then shrieked, "SPAGHETTI CARBONARA!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 746

You deserved it 5 078

By crosscountryfatigue - 19/09/2018 12:00

Today, with one week left until I fly to my new apartment, movers loaded my belongings, and happily drove off. They even loaded my unpacked, inflated air mattress. Looks like I'm sleeping on the floor for a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 605

You deserved it 390

i'm doing FINE

By tammy999 - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend bumped into me at McDonald's. I was sitting alone at a table with a Big Mac, two large fries, a large drink, and one case of chicken nuggets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 332

You deserved it 37 824

By Medic - 29/10/2012 03:10 - United States - Puyallup

Today, at work as an EMT, I was telling a panicked patient that I would be taking her vital signs. I inadvertently said that I would be taking her vital organs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 635

You deserved it 4 351

Fooling around

By Anonymous - 16/07/2009 06:15 - United States

Today, at the end of a night of heavy drinking, I thought it was a great idea to go off into a park with a friend of mine. We ended up fooling around in the park. Meanwhile, a couple of kids stole our clothes. We had to walk back to town with no clothes on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 572

You deserved it 74 423

Walking Dead

By Anonymous - 02/08/2020 14:01

Today, my doctor informed me I was a fascinating patient. Why? I have "more health issues than a patient my age should." I'm 26. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 509

You deserved it 166

By Ineedlotsofwater - 23/01/2015 16:41 - United States - Seattle

Today, I found out why I receive random drug tests at work. The safety department was specifically told by my boss to check up on me because I always seem way too cheerful to not be high. I've passed every single test. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 765

You deserved it 2 741

By 123roomielover - 26/01/2011 17:40 - United States

Today, I woke up to my new roommate staring at me, just a few inches from my face. She then told me how easy I would be to kill in my sleep. Then she stood up, naked from head to toe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 597

You deserved it 3 744

I know that sound

By boredatwork - 29/01/2010 15:33 - Canada

Today, I was caught going on Facebook at work. I was called into my boss's office to be reprimanded, and while he was lecturing me on the importance of staying focussed and the misuse of company property, his computer beeped. It was his Facebook chat notifying him of a new message. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 433

You deserved it 5 319

FML on Facebook

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The Top

Today, I was taking a shower and I saw a new body wash that said "Radiance Ribbons." That sounded a little effeminate, but it smelled manly enough and the only alternative was normal soap, so I used it. Just now, I stepped out into the sun and found out what "Radiance Ribbons" means. I sparkle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 253

You deserved it 33 893

Today, I found out that my partner of 18 years has officially decided that our physical relationship is over. We hadn’t been intimate since my youngest was conceived 5 years ago. I had always held out hope that it would come again, but now I have been told it’s over and I’m at a loss at what to do. I still love her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 366

You deserved it 88

Random

Today, my girlfriend cornered me and asked if I'm gay. I said no and asked why she even had any doubts. Apparently me being depressed and crying over my grandmother's death is "faggish" and means I want to have sex with men. Who knew? FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 719

You deserved it 1 940

Today, my duty manager demanded we close the bar early because she wanted to go home. I was subject to abuse from customers for closing early, then shouted at by the duty manager for not being done. My actual bar manager fired me for closing early. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 655

You deserved it 4 194

Today, my boyfriend sent me a picture. In the mirror I could see a bra and thong sitting on his bed. They weren't mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 470

You deserved it 3 213

Today, I threw myself a surprise party. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 635

You deserved it 18 385

Today, I'm on the last few days of my period. After nothing came out the whole day, a dollop of blood suddenly poured out, somehow managed to entirely circumvent the giant pad I was wearing, and went straight into my underwear, pants, and the chair I was sitting on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 518

You deserved it 163

Today, I felt so rejected by my wife that I can't help myself but feel like shit. She has bipolar, is on medication, yet she makes me feel so little that emotionally and physically that I've started to feel like a failure. No intimacy, shitty behaviour, complaining all the time. Man, I wish I could end it all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 445

You deserved it 76