Today, I was excited that my sister called me for the first time...

By Anonymous - 30/1/2015 08:57 - United States - Portland

Today, I was excited that my sister called me for the first time in months. She asked me to stop watching "Friends" so she could use the Netflix account. Now, I still have an absentee sister and no Friends. FML

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Miscellaneous

Tense

Gas giant

Workaholic

By embarrassed - 8/10/2012 09:12 - Australia - Morphett Vale

Today, despite having a mild case of the flu, I visited my boyfriend's house and watched a movie with his parents. During the movie, I felt the sudden urge to sneeze. Trying to hold it in, I managed to do the loudest fart I've ever done in my life. Everyone heard. FML

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By sucksforme - 12/9/2009 00:40 - United States

Today, I parked in front of a grocery store and took the portable GPS system off the mount on the dashboard and put it in my pocket so no one would break into my car and steal it. When I got back, the window was smashed and someone had stolen the plastic mount. FML

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By BigmouthStrikesAgain - 19/8/2011 00:18 - United Kingdom

Today, after a tennis lesson, the coach was picking up the stray tennis balls around the court. Trying to be helpful, I asked him, "Do you want me to grab your ball bag?" His eyeballs almost burst out of their sockets. FML

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By Jota - 23/10/2017 19:00

Today, I was doing a job interview on Skype when my roommate decided to reboot the wireless router because "the internet was too slow". The interviewer didn't bother calling again. FML

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By Deedee - 28/3/2017 00:00

Today, 15 minutes before the end of the day, my boss asked me who I was training to replace me. He then said never mind, that it was his job to choose someone. I hadn't indicated that I was planning on leaving the company. FML

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By Noname - 23/2/2009 18:28 - United States

Today, I had to tell my super-conservative parents that I had just gone to visit the boyfriend I'm not supposed to have so that I could tell him I am pregnant. FML

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By Sleuth - 2/9/2018 13:00

Today, I found out why my professor accused me of not handing in an important essay before the due date. Apparently she spilled coffee all over it and didn't dare to tell me. FML

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By - 9/1/2017 23:42

Today, I was the last to go upstairs, so I had to turn off the lights. My tired brain decided to use my phone flashlight to check if all the lights were out. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/3/2009 02:57 - United States

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time. In his front room was a giant parrot. Hoping to impress them, I went over to the bird and began talking to it proving I wasn't scared. Out of nowhere, it's beak clenched onto my nose making it gush blood on the carpet. I was hospitalized. FML

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By crinitis - 28/1/2016 16:05 - Canada - Ancaster

Today, I found out my parents only had me in an attempt to fix their relationship. It didn't work. FML

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By Stevejobs - 26/11/2018 17:30

Today, after realizing I had 130 unused vacation hours, I requested two weeks off. My vacation time was denied, but my boss still gave me the time off. So I don't have work for 2 weeks, all unpaid. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2015 00:03

Today, I caught two kids passing notes to each other in my class, so I told them to see me afterwards. When one of the kids eventually came up, I noticed he was crying. He looked up at me and sobbed out, "I was trying to make my first friend!" FML

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By kdeeeceee - 5/11/2011 07:25 - United States

Today, my girlfriend sent me a sexy picture of herself in my boxers. I thought it would be funny to take a picture of myself in the thong she left in my room and send it to her. She thought it would be funnier on Facebook. FML

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By GoneLimp - 7/3/2017 20:00 - United States - Havelock

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend doggy-style and noticed a piece of toilet paper had been "left behind". I had such a bad internal conflict about whether to tell her or to remove it myself, I went limp. She started crying and accused me of not being attracted to her anymore. FML

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By kat, ACT - 20/12/2009 14:37 - United States

Today, while driving, we pulled up at a set of traffic lights next to a huge truck with live animals inside. Curious as to exactly what animal, I wound down my window to see if I could hear them, just in time for the truck to take off and cow shit to fly in my face. FML

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By NotAnInLawFamilyMan - 10/12/2014 14:05 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my mother-in-maw informed us that she sold her house and is moving in with us so we'll "take care" of her in old age. She's in perfect health. We've only been married for 4 months. My wife can't stand her for more than 2 weeks at a time, let alone living with us. FML

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By Binks - 26/10/2020 12:01 - United States - Charleston

Ghosts!

Today I woke up feeling good and ready for my online business class final, only to find that it had somehow been submitted and graded with a zero. FML

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By afather - 14/6/2015 13:41 - United States - Worthing

Today, I had to take my son to the hospital for drinking sunscreen. Apparently, he saw something on the internet that said if he drank it, his body would sweat it out and continually apply it to his body. He's 16. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/10/2012 18:22 - United Kingdom - Wokingham

Today, after having bought my daughter a complete set of new school clothes, she threw a tantrum and refused to wear them. I told her she could either wear them, or go to school naked. She made if half-way down the street in the nude before I caught up and dragged her back inside. FML

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By ilovemom - 21/1/2010 05:41 - United States

Today, holding my newborn baby and yearning for some affection from my mother, I asked my mom what the best day of her life was, hoping she would say the day I was born. Her answer? "The day you moved out." She was serious. FML

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By boner - 1/2/2010 20:51 - United States

Today, I was spacing out in French class and randomly got an erection. My professor called on me to stand up at the front of the room and say, "I am wearing a belt," in French. Not everyone was observing just my belt. FML

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By fruitoftheloom - 9/3/2015 05:13 - United States - Scottsdale

Today, my girlfriend took off my pants for the first time. She was more impressed by the pattern on my boxers than by my cock. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/2/2010 14:26 - South Africa

Today, I jokingly asked my husband if he was going to make it to our first child's Christening as there was a football match on at the same time. Without hesitating, he replyed that he would just watch the recording. He meant the recording of the Christening. He was serious. FML

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By okthen - 10/12/2019 20:00 - United States - Pittsburgh

One day with him

Today, I finally made a move on the guy I've been crushing on for years...by getting so drunk that I puked in his lap. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/3/2009 22:40 - United States

Today, I was on the bus going to formal for my sorority. I was sitting in the 5th row of the bus when I felt raindrops on my face coming through the open window. I then realized it wasn't raining, but the girl in the 1st row was throwing up out her window and it was coming back in through my window. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/7/2015 16:05 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, I'm grieving over the death of my best friend of 9 years. My mom wasted no time arriving at the conclusion that I must be hormonal and pregnant with his child. Apparently it's not normal for a woman to cry so much over a man, unless they've been fucking. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/7/2014 05:24 - United States - Stockton

Today, I found out the record label I was talking to was actually just my friends who have way too much time on their hands. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/1/2014 17:28 - United States - Sharon

Today, I was walking home from a horrible day at work, when some idiot emptied a trashcan on my head from his apartment balcony. He cried "Oh shit!" and apologized because I wasn't his intended target. FML

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By loveeyou. - 8/2/2010 08:00 - France

Today, I realized the only reason I watched the SuperBowl is because Justin Bieber tweeted about it. I don't even like football. I had no idea what was going on the whole game. All I knew was who I was cheering for, because Justin Bieber tweeted who he was cheering for. FML

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By letstradefamilies - 21/12/2015 21:50 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my relatives told me that when I stay at their house for the holidays, I'm no longer allowed to be out past 10 because somebody drugged my drink once. I'm a 25 year old man. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/2/2017 18:00 - United States - Spring Hill

Bunch of Freeloaders...

Today, after having my Wi-Fi unlocked for two years, I decided to lock it since it was running slowly. Everybody in my apartment building came to my door and asked me why I did it. I've been unknowingly providing free Wi-Fi to the entire building for years, but now that it's protected I'm getting constant dirty looks. FML

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By Angelica - 28/10/2011 01:48 - United States

Today, I had to sit patiently at the checkout at work, listening to my own father rant about how the twinkies he was buying were "twice the size back in my day", and how "you could buy a dozen of these suckers for just 10 cents." He didn't stop there. No, he tried to haggle over the price. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/12/2014 18:23 - United States

Today, I asked my boss for a raise. I pointed out that due to a technicality, if he hired someone to replace me, he'd have to pay them more anyway. He said he'd gladly pay more for "someone who knows his god-damn place" and made it clear I'll be jobless very soon. FML

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By Jessy - 14/10/2011 11:22 - United Kingdom

Today, I was driving home when I saw my boyfriend chundering on the side of the road, into an old lady's shopping basket. FML

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By NeedTea - 21/12/2018 06:00 - United States

Today i stopped at Starbucks to get a tea before work and was surprised that there wasn't a line. As i was leaving the automatic door closed knocking my out of my hand. I headed back in only to discover a huge line had formed and they made me pay for the replacement that their door spilled. FML

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By fuckoffgramps - 24/1/2016 17:10 - United States - New Freedom

Today, I twisted my knee while cutting firewood with my grandpa. The pain was so crippling, I fell over screaming. His response? "Quit your bitching, I had my kneecaps blown off in Vietnam. They had to stitch 'em back on." He's never been to Vietnam, or even out of the country. FML

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By RiceCrispyTreats - 1/9/2015 16:46 - United States - Pelham

Today, I left my phone outside on the grass while I went inside to get a drink. I didn't expect my dad to run over it with the lawn mower. FML

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By Jon - 2/4/2011 16:44 - United States

Today, my ex fiancée, who left me six months ago, asked if I'd mind if she used the wedding dress I bought her for our wedding. She's just gotten engaged again. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/2/2011 20:06 - United States

Today, I was on the phone with a client, when the gum I was casually chewing fell out of my mouth and down my shirt. While I was trying to dig it out, two of our newest customers walked into the lobby to see what looked like me fondling my breasts. FML

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By "ironyyyyyyy" -_- - 31/10/2013 16:58 - United States - Marion

Today, I gave a short presentation at a neighborhood watch event to raise awareness of pickpocketing and to give tips on how to avoid becoming a victim of it. After I got back home, I realized my wallet was missing from my pocket. FML

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Top comments

By willyjac | 17

#6187702 - Friday 30 January 2015 14:53

Kick her off Netflix if it's your account, change your login, she doesn't deserve it

By DocBastard | 38

#6187707 - Friday 30 January 2015 14:55

It'll be ok, OP. I'll be there for you.

COMMENTS

By willyjac | 17

#6187702 - Friday 30 January 2015 14:53

Kick her off Netflix if it's your account, change your login, she doesn't deserve it

chlorinegreen | 27

#6187797 - Friday 30 January 2015 16:45

Could be her parents Netflix that they both have access too. I have my own that everybody mooches off (family and bf) but I've never run into the problem too many people on the account... Wonder why that is.

kayla__brianna | 10

#6187810 - Friday 30 January 2015 16:55

If you buy the standard streaming one for 7.99 a month, only 2 people can watch at one time

dragoongirl90 | 34

#6188913 - Saturday 31 January 2015 21:39

I second this motion!

By dunn76 | 5

#6187703 - Friday 30 January 2015 14:53

That sucks op. But nice use of wordplay lol

By iTzSelverZz | 14

#6187704 - Friday 30 January 2015 14:54

Will be a good story at a family reunion

By imagica | 0

#6187705 - Friday 30 January 2015 14:54

Do not surrender. Tell her to get her own Netflix

By sstahpp | 33

#6187706 - Friday 30 January 2015 14:55

Make some real friends maybe?

sstahpp | 33

#6187771 - Friday 30 January 2015 16:07

Oh boo hoo

Cass_x | 22

#6187784 - Friday 30 January 2015 16:25

Wow, you seriously sound like a huge bitch.

MrSassypants | 32

#6187789 - Friday 30 January 2015 16:30

#28 What the flipping fuck? "Oh boo hoo". Seriously?

limabeans101029 | 20

#6187796 - Friday 30 January 2015 16:45

28- Well, aren't you just a charm? Your plethora of friends must feel so lucky.

sstahpp | 33

#6187802 - Friday 30 January 2015 16:49

Thanks 30..I've been practicing xxx

By DocBastard | 38

#6187707 - Friday 30 January 2015 14:55

It'll be ok, OP. I'll be there for you.

Wizardo | 33

#6187721 - Friday 30 January 2015 15:04

*Clap clapclapclap clap*

mstoock | 12

#6187745 - Friday 30 January 2015 15:44

#12 Only 4 claps

SystemofaBlink41 | 27

#6187764 - Friday 30 January 2015 15:58

*counts claps* Oh, you liar, #20.

mstoock | 12

#6189450 - Sunday 1 February 2015 12:36

I really thought it was four. Oops. How many then?

By Jasim | 17

#6187713 - Friday 30 January 2015 14:58

That's rude. Cut her off Netflix.

By Exodiafinder687 | 58

#6187714 - Friday 30 January 2015 14:59

So no one told you life was gonna be this way?

Morning_fml | 22

#6187756 - Friday 30 January 2015 15:53

Haha, I suppose not, but who needs to be told when you have Netflix?

xsydneyx123 | 28

#6188027 - Friday 30 January 2015 21:13

That joke just flew over your head, 22.

By AGB10 | 19

#6187715 - Friday 30 January 2015 15:00

Welcome to a "modern family"

By purelymixed | 17

#6187718 - Friday 30 January 2015 15:01

You can upgrade the account for like $1…then you can both watch Friends!!! :D

amberv61 | 22

#6187827 - Friday 30 January 2015 17:09

Actually it's like $4 more

hunteredmundson | 17

#6188372 - Saturday 31 January 2015 6:24

No it's actually a $1 difference

DominusDeus | 1

#6189419 - Sunday 1 February 2015 11:44

No, it's a $4 difference. $7.99/mo for one or two screens and $11.99/mo for four screens and UHD.