Today, I was excited that my sister called me for the first time...

By Anonymous - 30/1/2015 08:57 - United States - Portland

Today, I was excited that my sister called me for the first time in months. She asked me to stop watching "Friends" so she could use the Netflix account. Now, I still have an absentee sister and no Friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27843

You deserved it

3138

Favorite

Miscellaneous

Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

DINOSAURS!!

Who's a good boy?

By Anonymous - 21/8/2015 16:07 - United States - San Leandro

Today, after months of taking care of my grandma after a surgery, the doctors gave her a clean bill of health and I finally got to sleep in my own bed. She passed away while I was at home. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36844

You deserved it

1780

Favorite

By fuckmylife - 28/4/2009 08:45 - United States

Today, I decided to be the sober housemate for the first time in a while. I drove my drunk friends to the bar and back and even bought them pizza before they passed out in the living room. I get repaid by catching my wasted housemate in my room peeing all over my floor, bed, and nightstand. FML

I agree, your life sucks

58172

You deserved it

8311

Favorite

By stephanie - 28/9/2018 03:00

Today, my husband tried to use his "grief" over his grandmother's death to manipulate me into giving him a blowjob. In the toilets. During the funeral. With his family only a few yards down the hall crying their eyes out. What an asshole I married. An absolute asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4357

You deserved it

927

Favorite

By mikep - 2/2/2009 03:22 - Netherlands

Today, I asked my mother if she thought my cat was getting fat. She replied "It's not the cat you should worry about". FML

I agree, your life sucks

27202

You deserved it

5555

Favorite

By anonymous - 16/9/2011 17:18 - United Kingdom

Today, I had a graded performance in my drama class. I had to play a murderer in an interrogation room. I got really into it and started pounding on the windows to try to "escape". The thin glass smashed. Four hours in casualty, stitches and plastic surgery pretty much sum up my mood. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26256

You deserved it

9289

Favorite

By jami898 - 18/8/2015 04:30 - United States - Medford

Today, I passed out. I fell to the hardwood floor, cut my chin, and bit through my lip. Fortunately, my brother was there to help stop the bleeding and get me some water. All I had to do was wait until he finished his game of Call of Duty. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24480

You deserved it

1831

Favorite

By Anonymous - 1/4/2016 20:21 - United States - Slidell

Today, a customer got angry with me, because store policy says we can't accept returns of unsealed video games unless there's actual damage to the disc. The guy got enraged and started yelling about how I'm a "useless fuckwhistle". I almost got written up for laughing so hard at the insult. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21033

You deserved it

1684

Favorite

By CaptainByron - 28/4/2017 00:00

Today, my father contacted me for the first time in close to 2 months. The first thing he did was ask if I wanted to buy some weed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4271

You deserved it

302

Favorite

By e - 2/12/2010 09:24 - United States

Today, I couldn't find my key so I sat against the wall to wait for my roommate to get home. I fell asleep. When I woke up a few hours later, I could hear her inside. She chose not to wake me up and let me in. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27329

You deserved it

4289

Favorite

By charlotte273 - 30/6/2010 09:39 - United Kingdom

Today, in an attempt to save money on waxing, I bought veet hair removal cream. I also discovered it has the same effect on carpets. Now I have to pay for a replacement. So much for saving money. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24139

You deserved it

13830

Favorite

By Anonymous - 10/8/2018 15:00

"shit tickets"

Today, my household ran out of toilet paper so we have to shower after every dump. My mom just confessed that she does in fact have money for shit tickets, but won't buy any because it's the only way she can get my brother to shower. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2891

You deserved it

235

Favorite

By Freebie - 17/6/2017 06:00 - United States - Altoona

Today, marks the third month that I have not received payment for work I did on web pages for a hospital chain. They owe me over $1,000. It will cost twice that to get a lawyer to force them to pay me what I'm owed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4645

You deserved it

341

Favorite

By anon - 27/12/2013 07:28 - Canada - Saint John

Today, I went to take a shower. When I turned it on, no water came out. Only ants. FML

I agree, your life sucks

60016

You deserved it

3845

Favorite

By poopboy - 16/1/2017 10:49

Today, I sat next to this really hot guy in my writing class. We struck up a conversation, and it was going well, until he began describing, in excruciating detail, his IBS and fiber problems, and how he always has to poop. Good to know. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6246

You deserved it

735

Favorite

By embarrassed - 26/5/2009 04:51 - United States

Today, I went to see Terminator. Not wanting to spend an outrageous amount of money at the concession stand, I sneaked a Dr. Pepper into the theater. I thought I had gotten away with it, until I opened the bottle and it exploded all over me and four other people that I didn't know. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15387

You deserved it

52742

Favorite

By Amanda Howard - 15/3/2020 09:00

When you gotta go, you gotta go

Today, I came home after being stuck in traffic needing to pee really badly. When I went to the bathroom, my boyfriend was on the toilet. I couldn't hold it longer, so I went into the woods behind our house and found a bush. Relieving myself, my butt started to itch. I was sitting in poison ivy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1414

You deserved it

449

Favorite

By Marfo101 - 16/1/2015 15:41 - Ghana - Accra

Today, a pretty girl joined the line at the bus station. I let her skip the line and go before me so I could sit next to her. After she bought her ticket, I realized there were no more seats left on that bus. I was told to get off, and had to take the next bus, sitting next to a snoring old man. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29249

You deserved it

13319

Favorite

By Anonymous - 10/7/2009 18:47 - United States

Today, my boyfriend called me to break up with me. Immediately after we hung up, I started crying hysterically. I thought I dialed my best friend, and as soon as the line picked up, I yelled, "That motherfucker broke up with me!" My now ex-boyfriend replied, "Yeah, I know I did." FML

I agree, your life sucks

49659

You deserved it

20443

Favorite

By dangit - 1/3/2010 05:01 - United States

Today, I was wearing my favorite silk sweater, one I actually paid full price for. I sat down in my desk chair to work, and when I tried to get up I felt a strange pull. A corner of my sweater is still stuck in the screw at the back of the chair, the rest is in the trash. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23291

You deserved it

3561

Favorite

By Anonymous - 3/11/2013 18:56 - United States - Roanoke

Today, my mom found a new fad, and now styles herself as some kind of modern druid. Normally I'd just roll my eyes and deal with it, except she's forced the entire family to go vegetarian, threatening harsh punishments if we refuse to stop "poisoning" our bodies. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41846

You deserved it

3395

Favorite

By zlotytarasy - 14/10/2009 22:03 - Poland

Today, I accepted a great job offer I've been working months to earn so I can continue to live with my fiancé here in Poland. I just found out that my work visa was denied. Now I have to fly home to Canada and reapply before coming back. This takes a month. My new job starts tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32808

You deserved it

3451

Favorite

By CrackHouseBaby - 16/10/2019 12:00 - United Kingdom - Manchester

This Is Us

Today, I learned that my parents lied. They didn't meet each other at an acid house rave. They met each other at a crack house. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1484

You deserved it

131

Favorite

By Turnipseed3 - 3/5/2012 17:00 - United States

Today, I was sitting on the toilet, pregnant as ever and really sick. I asked my fiancé to bring me a pair of clean underwear. He did so and brought me some lacy underwear. They weren't mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47311

You deserved it

3012

Favorite

By LetsMakeLove - 10/6/2009 18:42 - United States

Today, I went to the game with my boss and some people he does business with on his tab. I got so drunk that I blacked out, threw up all over the table, and passed out in the bathroom. I woke up alone with my body reeking of vomit, and no phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8498

You deserved it

76586

Favorite

By dadsadipshit - 15/2/2013 23:00 - United States

Today, my dad lost his mind over the meteorite incident in Russia. He's convinced that it's part of some big government conspiracy to cover up a UFO crash-landing, and now he won't stop dismissively calling us "sheep" and telling us "do the research" just because we don't agree with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28262

You deserved it

3177

Favorite

By photogirl - 30/8/2010 18:42 - United States

Today, my external hard drive broke. My husband tried to fix it, and the computer told him he needed to format it. Apparently he didn't know what formatting does, so he did it. I'm a wedding photographer and had a full summer of unfinished wedding photography on there. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40037

You deserved it

7382

Favorite

By mrmatt008 - 17/7/2009 12:07 - France

Today, I got back to work from a 3 week vacation. My boss had asked me to get him something so when I returned I presented him with a shotglass with the British flag on it. I later found out that he is a recovering alcoholic. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42903

You deserved it

7477

Favorite

By EunJung - 4/11/2011 00:16 - United States

Today, at the nail salon, a Korean woman was making fun of me. I kindly told her, in Korean, that I understood. She kindly told me, in English, that she didn't care. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47611

You deserved it

4228

Favorite

By sn-511 - 1/3/2013 22:54 - Italy - Naples

Today, I was making out with my girlfriend, and after a while, she moved her hand down to my crotch. She felt my erection, then got up and yelled at me, calling me a horny pig for "assuming we were going to have sex." FML

I agree, your life sucks

68675

You deserved it

5951

Favorite

By AL - 21/9/2011 05:53 - United States

Today, my mom is marrying my ex boyfriend's dad. The same ex boyfriend who I caught cheating on me with my sister. Family gatherings are going to be such a joy! FML

I agree, your life sucks

47711

You deserved it

2868

Favorite

By Anonymous - 29/6/2009 05:07 - United States

Today, I had my boss and his family over for dinner. Our kids played while waiting for dinner to be ready. Just as we were sitting to eat, our 8-year-olds ran out and my son says "Look at Baxter! I found underwear with a tail hole!" They had found my crotchless panties and put them on the dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43635

You deserved it

12485

Favorite

By nomorecleanballs4u - 28/2/2017 19:00 - United States - Tacoma

Today, my husband received a package in the mail containing a bottle of billiard ball cleaner for our pool table. Yes, billiard ball cleaner. I can't get that slovenly wretch to clean a toilet to save his life, but now he's determined to have the shiniest balls on the block. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5704

You deserved it

644

Favorite

By Bleach dat Blood - 20/7/2015 03:02

Today, I woke to find a pool of my own blood all over my pillow. Frantic to find the source of the blood, I rushed into the bathroom and tripped over my too-long pajama pants. Crashing to the floor face first, I broke my nose. Turns out I had just bitten my lip in the middle of the night. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25904

You deserved it

3725

Favorite

By jumbledgirl - 10/1/2012 05:25 - United States

Today, my teacher started talking about me quietly to the stuffed cat, called Rufus, that she keeps on her desk. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27325

You deserved it

2463

Favorite

By knowtoomuch - 22/5/2013 00:10 - United States - Aurora

Today, I had to go with my mom to the gynecologist to translate due to her broken English. As we were filling out papers and answering questions, the doctor asked some very personal questions. I now know everything about my mom's sex life. FML

I agree, your life sucks

64903

You deserved it

6752

Favorite

By BurnedByAWaiter - 24/5/2011 13:59

Today, I went on a blind date at a fancy restaurant. My date was running a bit late, so I went ahead and got a table. I got bored, so I decided to ask my waiter how I looked. He stood there, then said that "it's against company policy to mock customers to their face." FML

I agree, your life sucks

41023

You deserved it

8219

Favorite

By Anonymous - 12/11/2010 05:37 - United States

Today, I accidentally set off an alarm at the school I work for. No one was there, I didn't have the code or password the company needed, my boss wouldn't answer his phone, 3 policemen interrogated me and asked for ID but realized I left home without my wallet. There was nothing I could do. I cried. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33981

You deserved it

5684

Favorite

By Anonymous - 6/10/2016 19:01 - United States - Tallahassee

Today, while checking my voicemail, I noticed I had received one from a job that I've been trying to get in for months. Too bad they called two weeks ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7849

You deserved it

8687

Favorite

By lilou - 3/1/2009 01:22 - France

Today, at 7 in the morning, I end up outside in a night dress, with bare feet and in the rain. I've just found out that my two year old son now knows how to close the patio door, which of course, has no outside door handle. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24604

You deserved it

3849

Favorite

By GideonSquire - 13/6/2017 20:00

Today, I walked through a car park and brutally bashed my head, leaving a tennis ball sized lump on my forehead on an overhead sign saying, "Max height 6"6'". I'm 6"4'. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3702

You deserved it

403

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By willyjac | 17

#6187702 - Friday 30 January 2015 14:53

Kick her off Netflix if it's your account, change your login, she doesn't deserve it

By DocBastard | 38

#6187707 - Friday 30 January 2015 14:55

It'll be ok, OP. I'll be there for you.

Comments

By willyjac | 17

#6187702 - Friday 30 January 2015 14:53

Kick her off Netflix if it's your account, change your login, she doesn't deserve it

chlorinegreen | 27

#6187797 - Friday 30 January 2015 16:45

Could be her parents Netflix that they both have access too. I have my own that everybody mooches off (family and bf) but I've never run into the problem too many people on the account... Wonder why that is.

kayla__brianna | 10

#6187810 - Friday 30 January 2015 16:55

If you buy the standard streaming one for 7.99 a month, only 2 people can watch at one time

dragoongirl90 | 34

#6188913 - Saturday 31 January 2015 21:39

I second this motion!

By dunn76 | 5

#6187703 - Friday 30 January 2015 14:53

That sucks op. But nice use of wordplay lol

By iTzSelverZz | 14

#6187704 - Friday 30 January 2015 14:54

Will be a good story at a family reunion

By imagica | 0

#6187705 - Friday 30 January 2015 14:54

Do not surrender. Tell her to get her own Netflix

By sstahpp | 33

#6187706 - Friday 30 January 2015 14:55

Make some real friends maybe?

sstahpp | 33

#6187771 - Friday 30 January 2015 16:07

Oh boo hoo

Cass_x | 22

#6187784 - Friday 30 January 2015 16:25

Wow, you seriously sound like a huge bitch.

MrSassypants | 32

#6187789 - Friday 30 January 2015 16:30

#28 What the flipping fuck? "Oh boo hoo". Seriously?

limabeans101029 | 20

#6187796 - Friday 30 January 2015 16:45

28- Well, aren't you just a charm? Your plethora of friends must feel so lucky.

sstahpp | 33

#6187802 - Friday 30 January 2015 16:49

Thanks 30..I've been practicing xxx

By DocBastard | 38

#6187707 - Friday 30 January 2015 14:55

It'll be ok, OP. I'll be there for you.

Wizardo | 33

#6187721 - Friday 30 January 2015 15:04

*Clap clapclapclap clap*

mstoock | 12

#6187745 - Friday 30 January 2015 15:44

#12 Only 4 claps

SystemofaBlink41 | 27

#6187764 - Friday 30 January 2015 15:58

*counts claps* Oh, you liar, #20.

mstoock | 12

#6189450 - Sunday 1 February 2015 12:36

I really thought it was four. Oops. How many then?

By Jasim | 17

#6187713 - Friday 30 January 2015 14:58

That's rude. Cut her off Netflix.

By Exodiafinder687 | 58

#6187714 - Friday 30 January 2015 14:59

So no one told you life was gonna be this way?

Morning_fml | 22

#6187756 - Friday 30 January 2015 15:53

Haha, I suppose not, but who needs to be told when you have Netflix?

xsydneyx123 | 28

#6188027 - Friday 30 January 2015 21:13

That joke just flew over your head, 22.

By AGB10 | 19

#6187715 - Friday 30 January 2015 15:00

Welcome to a "modern family"

By purelymixed | 17

#6187718 - Friday 30 January 2015 15:01

You can upgrade the account for like $1…then you can both watch Friends!!! :D

amberv61 | 22

#6187827 - Friday 30 January 2015 17:09

Actually it's like $4 more

hunteredmundson | 17

#6188372 - Saturday 31 January 2015 6:24

No it's actually a $1 difference

DominusDeus | 1

#6189419 - Sunday 1 February 2015 11:44

No, it's a $4 difference. $7.99/mo for one or two screens and $11.99/mo for four screens and UHD.