Miscellaneous: Today, I was excited that my sister called me for the first time...

By Anonymous - United States - Portland

Today, I was excited that my sister called me for the first time in months. She asked me to stop watching "Friends" so she could use the Netflix account. Now, I still have an absentee sister and no Friends. FML

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Miscellaneous

Out of it

Workaholic

That'll be Kevin in accounting

By Smooth - United States

Today, I had hooked up with this girl and had finally lulled her asleep. I didn't want to stay so I quietly managed to get my clothes back on and get out the door without waking her. I made it all the way out of her building and to my car before I realized I had forgotten my keys. FML

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By scaredscreenless - United States

Today, I was on my back patio talking with my husband. It got dark outside, and I saw something shuffling in the back yard. I freaked out so bad that I went to run inside, only to fly face-first into the screen door. Turns out the shuffling was from a baby rabbit. FML

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By costcocondoms - Mexico

Today, I was shopping at COSTCO for a romantic evening with my girlfriend, I bought some flowers, dinner and a super pack of condoms, At the register behind me I heard somebody say "Good thing my daughter has a responsible boyfriend." It was my girlfriend's father. FML

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By HoratioNo - United States - Stockton

Today, I found out that my dad writes really weird and scary slash fiction involving characters from all of the CSI TV show franchises. FML

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By Lameartist

Today, I had just finished an elaborate charcoal drawing as part of a college application that took a good week. When I read over the requirements, I found out it needed to be done in graphite pencil. FML

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By blocked - United States

Today, I got stuck in a three-hour traffic jam because I sneezed and missed the road I was meant to take. FML

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By badmom101 - Canada

Today, my 5 year old daughter thought it would be funny to wake me up by tickling my toes. I guess one of my reflexes acted out because I kicked her right in the face. FML

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By tool - United States

Today, I was bored at my job at Home Depot. I got a bar code tattoo 3 weeks ago and thought it would be funny to scan it. I'm a $5.98 160z claw hammer. FML

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By Courts - Australia - Adelaide

Evil

Today, I had a shift as a carer in a high-rise disability home, and working with a lady whom was once a midwife. She had a toy baby, and was rocking it. When I asked her what she was going to do what the baby so she could come to lunch, she casually threw the baby off the balcony and shrugged. FML

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By Tali - Australia

Today, my husband threw out all of the spices in the cupboard. When I asked him why he said, "Our cat was named Spicy and I can't stand to look at them." Our recently deceased cat's name was Dicey. FML

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By LizzyJones - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, my husband bought me a present for our three year anniversary. It was a pack of 20 cigarettes. I don't smoke. He does. FML

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By okaykk

Thanks babe...

Today, after having hardly any sleep the whole weekend, I was woken up at 3:30 am by the sound of running water. I opened my eyes to find my fiancé peeing in my favorite water bottle. FML

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By frustrated! - United States

Today, my boyfriend called me a freak for wanting to have sex for a second night in a row. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while at my boyfriend's cousin's birthday party, I was hanging around with his sister as I didn't know anyone. She was talking to some friends when one of them asked her, "So, is your brother still going out with that crazy chick?" Her answer was to introduce me. FML

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By unluckymiss - United States

Today, I was at the store when I ran into an old friend from high school. He didn't recognize me at first, but when I told him who I was, he instantly shouted "Oh! Yeah! The fat chick from Mr. H's class!" FML

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By misterhippo - United States

Today, I texted the hottest girl in the school saying, "I really like you, we should date". She responded with a text saying, "Sorry, I'm not into you." I then got a text saying, "Sorry, my brother stole my phone, and answered, but still it's no". I got rejected twice. Once by a man. FML

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By H4rd_Man - United Kingdom

Today, I came back home to meet people before going away to university, including my ex and her new boyfriend. We broke up about two months ago and there were no bad feelings between us, so I decided to have a chat with them. I asked "How long have you been going out?" He replied "Seven months." FML

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By lukey_G - United States

Today, my girlfriend was driving me to her house against my will when I said, "Sometimes it's annoying that you always decide where we go because you drive." She replied, "Yeah, I wish I could be more of the girl in this relationship." FML

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By ottawaaa - Canada

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend and as I pulled out to finish I slipped and ended up punching her in the stomach, I came while she was writhing in pain. FML

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By ordinaryday - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I reached a new level of commitment in my relationship with my boyfriend. This happened when he pooped on the side of the road beside my truck, while talking and making eye contact with me while wiping. FML

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By bridget1989 - United Kingdom - Swadlincote

Today, my boyfriend told me on the phone that he thought we were too poor for value-pack bacon. When I got home, I found he had gone to work leaving two lights and the TV on, and that the shower was running. He said, "Turning things on and off takes too much time! Who cares about money?" FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while working as a line cook, one of the servers sincerely asked me, "What sauce goes on a chicken bacon ranch sandwich?" I replied, a little incredulously I'll admit, "…Ranch." She then totally lost her cool and went full-blown adult temper tantrum because I was, "mean to her." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I wasn't feeling too well. I decided to bring my laptop with me to the bathroom, because I figured I would be in there for a while. Things were going great, until I felt a burp coming. Next thing I know, my computer is covered with puke. FML

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By pappy - United States - Lees Summit

Today, my friend asked me if I flirted with any girls during our shift. I said, "No, not any I could think of." He then told me there was a note on my windshield that said, "Call me" with a phone number on it. After my shift, I went to my car excited and read the note. It was just a penis. FML

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By DyingOfShame - United Kingdom

Today, I got a text from my boyfriend whilst on the train home from spending the weekend with him at his grandparents' house. It said, 'Gran says to tell you that the bin beside the toilet is actually for storing spare shampoos and toothbrushes, so could you not put your tampons in it next time?' FML

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By Jizzyface - United Kingdom - Wilmslow

Today, my strict Christian mother walked into my room just after I'd finished masturbating. Although dressed, I was still holding the used tissue, which she noticed. Having to think fast to disguise my deed and avoid an entire sermon, I had no option but to blow my nose with the spunky tissue. FML

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By noworkformeplease

Today, I had to call out of work because I was ill, but they didn't believe me because today was the day I was supposed to come back from vacation. Now I'm stuck at work, constantly running to the bathroom, and they still won't let me go home. FML

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By onlyolivia - United States - Laurel

Today, we had some workers come to paint my office building. As a receptionist, it's my job to stock the fridge with soda. I walked into the supply closet just in time to find a worker peeing in a bucket. I stood there for about 10 seconds before I understood what was happening and ran out. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Monroe

Today, after sending in my passport application for a trip to Paris, I got a letter from the state department saying despite them having my original birth certificate, I don't exist. Upon calling them, I was told that it only proves I'm a citizen, not that I exist. I pay taxes and have a mortgage. FML

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By LoveBytes - Canada - Victoria

Today, I emailed my crush an anonymous love letter. It wasn't until twenty minutes later that I realized that the email address I used contained my full name. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went over to my parents' house with my female, unspayed dog. I guess they haven’t had their dog neutered, because he tried to mount her. When I attempted to stop him, he knocked me into their stone fire pit, splitting my head and elbow open. FML

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By jalapeno_popper - Canada

Today, I learned the hard way why they say "four on the floor" at school. I leaned too far back while rocking in the chair and fell off. I grabbed the desk to save myself and it came down too. FML

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By horp - United States - Torrington

Today, I was having lunch and I started throwing crumbs at my friend at the other table. Then I accidentally hit the kid next to him. He got really mad and came over and hit me in the shoulder with a brick. A brick. He just had a brick in his bag. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Foot-in-mouth syndrome

Today, I was talking to this guy I liked at work. He was flirting with me, and everything was going great, I was so happy, until he started talking non-stop about the extent of his foot fetish. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Nanaimo

Today, I started my job as a driving instructor. My first client showed up piss drunk. FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, my boyfriend did the Austin Powers dance/strip-tease while dancing to 'I Touch Myself'. It was cute until he ripped off his shirt and revealed that he'd shaved his chest hair in the shape of a penis. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Portland

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By natural selection i guess

Today, I found out why my biology class TA, who takes the class alongside the other students, was always so eager to collect my work. Turns out, she's been erasing my name on my papers and writing hers in all semester. My failing final grade has already been finalized. FML

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By :/ - Canada

Today, I had my buddies over for a few beers and, trying to be cool, I told my wife to get out of the living room and back in the kitchen. I felt smug, right up until she said, "Why? Your mom doesn't need to be turned over for another 20 minutes, dick." FML

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By VerbalDiarrhea - United States

Today, after 3 hours in a cramped car with my family, we stopped at a gas station. I got out of the car and the first words out of my mouth were, "It feels so good to be able to walk!" That's when I noticed the elderly man sitting in a wheelchair only a few meters away. FML

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Top comments

By willyjac | 17

#6187702 - Friday 30 January 2015 14:53

Kick her off Netflix if it's your account, change your login, she doesn't deserve it

By DocBastard | 38

#6187707 - Friday 30 January 2015 14:55

It'll be ok, OP. I'll be there for you.

COMMENTS

By willyjac | 17

#6187702 - Friday 30 January 2015 14:53

Kick her off Netflix if it's your account, change your login, she doesn't deserve it

chlorinegreen | 27

#6187797 - Friday 30 January 2015 16:45

Could be her parents Netflix that they both have access too. I have my own that everybody mooches off (family and bf) but I've never run into the problem too many people on the account... Wonder why that is.

kayla__brianna | 10

#6187810 - Friday 30 January 2015 16:55

If you buy the standard streaming one for 7.99 a month, only 2 people can watch at one time

dragoongirl90 | 34

#6188913 - Saturday 31 January 2015 21:39

I second this motion!

By dunn76 | 5

#6187703 - Friday 30 January 2015 14:53

That sucks op. But nice use of wordplay lol

By iTzSelverZz | 14

#6187704 - Friday 30 January 2015 14:54

Will be a good story at a family reunion

By imagica | 0

#6187705 - Friday 30 January 2015 14:54

Do not surrender. Tell her to get her own Netflix

By sstahpp | 33

#6187706 - Friday 30 January 2015 14:55

Make some real friends maybe?

sstahpp | 33

#6187771 - Friday 30 January 2015 16:07

Oh boo hoo

Cass_x | 22

#6187784 - Friday 30 January 2015 16:25

Wow, you seriously sound like a huge bitch.

MrSassypants | 32

#6187789 - Friday 30 January 2015 16:30

#28 What the flipping fuck? "Oh boo hoo". Seriously?

limabeans101029 | 20

#6187796 - Friday 30 January 2015 16:45

28- Well, aren't you just a charm? Your plethora of friends must feel so lucky.

sstahpp | 33

#6187802 - Friday 30 January 2015 16:49

Thanks 30..I've been practicing xxx

By DocBastard | 38

#6187707 - Friday 30 January 2015 14:55

It'll be ok, OP. I'll be there for you.

Wizardo | 33

#6187721 - Friday 30 January 2015 15:04

*Clap clapclapclap clap*

mstoock | 12

#6187745 - Friday 30 January 2015 15:44

#12 Only 4 claps

SystemofaBlink41 | 27

#6187764 - Friday 30 January 2015 15:58

*counts claps* Oh, you liar, #20.

mstoock | 12

#6189450 - Sunday 1 February 2015 12:36

I really thought it was four. Oops. How many then?

By Jasim | 17

#6187713 - Friday 30 January 2015 14:58

That's rude. Cut her off Netflix.

By Exodiafinder687 | 58

#6187714 - Friday 30 January 2015 14:59

So no one told you life was gonna be this way?

Morning_fml | 22

#6187756 - Friday 30 January 2015 15:53

Haha, I suppose not, but who needs to be told when you have Netflix?

xsydneyx123 | 28

#6188027 - Friday 30 January 2015 21:13

That joke just flew over your head, 22.

By AGB10 | 19

#6187715 - Friday 30 January 2015 15:00

Welcome to a "modern family"

By purelymixed | 17

#6187718 - Friday 30 January 2015 15:01

You can upgrade the account for like $1…then you can both watch Friends!!! :D

amberv61 | 22

#6187827 - Friday 30 January 2015 17:09

Actually it's like $4 more

hunteredmundson | 17

#6188372 - Saturday 31 January 2015 6:24

No it's actually a $1 difference

DominusDeus | 1

#6189419 - Sunday 1 February 2015 11:44

No, it's a $4 difference. $7.99/mo for one or two screens and $11.99/mo for four screens and UHD.