Miscellaneous: Today, I was excited that my sister called me for the first time...

By Anonymous - United States - Portland

Today, I was excited that my sister called me for the first time in months. She asked me to stop watching "Friends" so she could use the Netflix account. Now, I still have an absentee sister and no Friends. FML

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Miscellaneous

Good kid

Fancy a pint?

Poker Face

By MrAwsum - United States

Today, me and my boyfriend came back to my house after a night on the town. Thinking the house was empty, we had sex. Just as it was getting good my phone rings. It was a text from my mom, "Quiet down. Even your father can tell you're faking." FML

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By Xbieblette51 - United States - Lynnwood

Today, I called my boyfriend to let him know that I'm pregnant. He instantly replied "Bullshit!", then hung up and apparently skipped town. FML

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By reckless182 - United States

Today, I had to tell my 10 year old son that me and his father are getting a divorce. His reply? "Yes! I call living with dad!" FML

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By notsoclean - United States

Today, I was at the dentist's, getting my teeth cleaned. He thought it would be funny to suddenly go on in detail about the fantastic sex he and his wife had the night before. I was unable to speak the entire time. The dentist is my grandpa. FML

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By stupidgirlll - United States

Today, I was excited about showing off my new haircut. All my friends thought it looked really good and it made me look older. What did my boyfriend think? He said I look like a little girl and he was afraid to kiss me in public because he didn't want someone to think he was a pedophile. FML

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By blaze - United States

Today, my boyfriend gave me a really sweet poem that he wrote for me. I think it was secondhand - the first letter of each verse spelled his ex girlfriend's name. FML

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By ShinedownCM

Today, I went to apply for classes at a college my parents signed me up to do dual credit with. Too bad they used my sister's social security number so I don't get credit for my old classes and my new application got thrown out. FML

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By AloneAtPerkins - 18/11/2020 13:02 - United States - West Bend

Tree trunks

Today, I shaved my legs. It's been so long since I've shaved that my razor broke. FML

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By Cyrah - United States

Denied!

Today, I got rejected from participating in a depression study that provides free medication, for not already being on antidepressants. That's because I can't afford health insurance or medication, which is why I applied to the study. FML

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By Lyingboyfriend - Canada

Today, my boyfriend said he couldn't come to my grandfather's funeral because he was at his cottage and couldn't make it. Later that day, when driving home from the graveyard I saw him walking down the street, with another girl. FML

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By Uhohwemadeamistake

Today, my new neighbor broke into our new house because his key didn't work. We just closed on the house this week and changed the locks when foot prints were found in the bathtub after the cleaning crew went through. FML

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By Ilovelife07 - United States

Today, I snuck out of work 2 hours early. As I was speeding away so I wouldn't be seen, I rear-ended my boss as he was leaving the lower parking lot for a late lunch. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - Stockholm

Today, I had to explain to my 22-year-old boyfriend that mice do not grow up to be rats. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was shaving my underarms, when I heard a noise. I quickly turned my head to see what it was and got the razor caught in my hair. I'm now sporting a very attractive bald patch. FML

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By Anonymous

Too much of a good thing

Today, my girlfriend complained that our quickies shouldn’t take 45 minutes. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at Wal-Mart and I asked a guy who worked there where the scrapbooking stuff was. He led me to the aisle where it was and then said, "By the way, I don't work here." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Albuquerque

Today, my twin sons have decided to forego the toilet, and instead poop in random places around the house. FML

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By JulesBlues

Today, I sat in my doctor's office and broke down, crying and shaking, with a blood pressure of 190, getting off my chest everything that has gone wrong in my life lately. To which the doctor, well into her sixties, replied, "My goodness, I've never met anyone with so many problems!" FML

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By panda

Today, the dog went nuts at 3am. I searched the yard with a spotlight and machete. Nothing. He may actually just be an asshole. FML

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By ABD

The system is broke!

Today, I found out that when I go on Medicare in January, one of my medicines will go from $45 per month to $3000 for the first month, then $425 per month for the rest of the year. I need this medicine to stay alive. FML

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By LowOnGas

Today, I drove my toddler to a schoolmate’s birthday party at a chuck-e-Cheese an hour drive away, only to find out the party is tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Kelowna

Today, I woke up after passing out at a very small house party. I set a three drink limit, but apparently nobody listened, because there were beer cans everywhere, half my stuff was on the floor, and someone had shat in my bathtub. I had to clean all of it up alone. FML

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By H8TR - United States

Today, I had to use my butthole to negotiate with my husband so I can get a new tattoo. FML

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By N/A - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I went to my gynecologist's for a check-up. After the doctor checked me I went to the bathroom. It turns out the walls aren't soundproofed, because I could hear the doctor telling his assistant, "God! How did she ever find a husband?" FML

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By home owner - United States

Headshot

Today, I was taking a shower for the first time in my new apartment. The shower head broke off the wall and slammed onto my head, while spraying water everywhere. I tried to stop the water, but only stopped the cold and got burnt by the hot. FML

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By blackandblue - United States

Today, I was waiting for a friend to pick me up. It was after dark and I was nervous, so when he pulled up I immediately jumped in the car. The young girl in the driver's seat started freaking out, screaming and punching me in the face repeatedly. I'd accidentally gotten in the wrong car. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, in class my friend played a joke on me by pulling my seat from under me while i was about to sit. I fell and everybody laughed at me. During the next class, I did the same thing to him. He broke his arm. He was the star of the basketball team. Nobody laughed. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my son was playing The Sims, when I saw him remove the door to a room and set it on fire with a Sim trapped inside. I chuckled at first, until I saw that the Sim was me. Meanwhile, my wife's Sim was happily painting in the next room, not giving a crap. All too accurate, sadly. FML

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By zingle af

Erection for Protection

Today, I realized how sex-deprived I am when the thought of owning condoms gave me a rock solid erection. FML

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By julia - United States

Today, my five year old daughter came up to me and told me she wanted to be a nun. When I asked why, she replied, "So I won't get my heart broken by a boy." FML

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By Odnel - United States - Arlington

Today, my family and I visited my cousins in Virginia. When we arrived, we found that they already had guests over. I've stuttered my whole life, so when they asked me what my name was, I stuttered for several seconds trying to say my name. Everyone burst out laughing. FML

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By mhmm... cumsquats - Belgium - Kessel-lo

Today, after much coaxing, I finally got my roommate to loosen up and have a couple of beers with me and my friends. It was only later in the evening that he admitted the real reason he hadn't wanted to drink: he's an alcoholic and had been sober for six months, until now. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my girlfriend noticed that I looked upset and asked me what was wrong. I told her I was sexually frustrated. Her response? "What are you telling me for?" FML

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By caesarinozeppeli

Today, after ordering it four weeks ago, I finally got the expensive figurine that I'd been wanting. Also today, my brother jizzed onto it. FML

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By maddie

Gross

Today, while I was working the drive-thru window, a customer sneezed into his hand and then handed me his money. FML

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By sisterly love - United States - Santa Clara

Today, my sister admitted to selling pages of my diary to my old boyfriends. FML

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By oh god why

Precision flinging

Today, while I was changing my tampon, I somehow managed to fling period blood into my eye. I wish I was making this up. FML

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By Anonymous - Estonia

Today, after weeks of coming home to find my furniture all tipped over, thinking the place was haunted, and accepting my boyfriend's offers to come over and "comfort" me, I came home from work early. I found my boyfriend in the kitchen, kicking over all the chairs. FML

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By dieders - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up and opened my curtains to see my gardener up a ladder in front of my window tending to the plants growing up the side of the wall. This would've been fine if his ballsack wasn't hanging out his shorts. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Mount Eliza

Today, I gave my boss a gift card as a late birthday present, since I wasn't in the office on his actual birthday. He accused me of trying to bribe my way to a promotion, and suspended me on the spot. FML

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Top comments

By willyjac | 17

#6187702 - Friday 30 January 2015 14:53

Kick her off Netflix if it's your account, change your login, she doesn't deserve it

By DocBastard | 38

#6187707 - Friday 30 January 2015 14:55

It'll be ok, OP. I'll be there for you.

COMMENTS

By willyjac | 17

#6187702 - Friday 30 January 2015 14:53

Kick her off Netflix if it's your account, change your login, she doesn't deserve it

chlorinegreen | 27

#6187797 - Friday 30 January 2015 16:45

Could be her parents Netflix that they both have access too. I have my own that everybody mooches off (family and bf) but I've never run into the problem too many people on the account... Wonder why that is.

kayla__brianna | 10

#6187810 - Friday 30 January 2015 16:55

If you buy the standard streaming one for 7.99 a month, only 2 people can watch at one time

dragoongirl90 | 34

#6188913 - Saturday 31 January 2015 21:39

I second this motion!

By dunn76 | 5

#6187703 - Friday 30 January 2015 14:53

That sucks op. But nice use of wordplay lol

By iTzSelverZz | 14

#6187704 - Friday 30 January 2015 14:54

Will be a good story at a family reunion

By imagica | 0

#6187705 - Friday 30 January 2015 14:54

Do not surrender. Tell her to get her own Netflix

By sstahpp | 33

#6187706 - Friday 30 January 2015 14:55

Make some real friends maybe?

sstahpp | 33

#6187771 - Friday 30 January 2015 16:07

Oh boo hoo

Cass_x | 22

#6187784 - Friday 30 January 2015 16:25

Wow, you seriously sound like a huge bitch.

MrSassypants | 32

#6187789 - Friday 30 January 2015 16:30

#28 What the flipping fuck? "Oh boo hoo". Seriously?

limabeans101029 | 20

#6187796 - Friday 30 January 2015 16:45

28- Well, aren't you just a charm? Your plethora of friends must feel so lucky.

sstahpp | 33

#6187802 - Friday 30 January 2015 16:49

Thanks 30..I've been practicing xxx

By DocBastard | 38

#6187707 - Friday 30 January 2015 14:55

It'll be ok, OP. I'll be there for you.

Wizardo | 33

#6187721 - Friday 30 January 2015 15:04

*Clap clapclapclap clap*

mstoock | 12

#6187745 - Friday 30 January 2015 15:44

#12 Only 4 claps

SystemofaBlink41 | 27

#6187764 - Friday 30 January 2015 15:58

*counts claps* Oh, you liar, #20.

mstoock | 12

#6189450 - Sunday 1 February 2015 12:36

I really thought it was four. Oops. How many then?

By Jasim | 17

#6187713 - Friday 30 January 2015 14:58

That's rude. Cut her off Netflix.

By Exodiafinder687 | 58

#6187714 - Friday 30 January 2015 14:59

So no one told you life was gonna be this way?

Morning_fml | 22

#6187756 - Friday 30 January 2015 15:53

Haha, I suppose not, but who needs to be told when you have Netflix?

xsydneyx123 | 28

#6188027 - Friday 30 January 2015 21:13

That joke just flew over your head, 22.

By AGB10 | 19

#6187715 - Friday 30 January 2015 15:00

Welcome to a "modern family"

By purelymixed | 17

#6187718 - Friday 30 January 2015 15:01

You can upgrade the account for like $1…then you can both watch Friends!!! :D

amberv61 | 22

#6187827 - Friday 30 January 2015 17:09

Actually it's like $4 more

hunteredmundson | 17

#6188372 - Saturday 31 January 2015 6:24

No it's actually a $1 difference

DominusDeus | 1

#6189419 - Sunday 1 February 2015 11:44

No, it's a $4 difference. $7.99/mo for one or two screens and $11.99/mo for four screens and UHD.