Miscellaneous: Today, I had to say a deep sincere speech on assembly in front... - FML

By knockedup - Australia

Today, I had to say a deep sincere speech on assembly in front of the whole college on the recent floods in Queensland. Instead of saying "We are Queenslanders, when we get knocked down, we get back up" I stumbled and said "We are Queenslanders, when we get knocked up..." FML

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The View

The road to hell…

Out of the frying pan

By neverhavingkids - United States

Today, I found out how hard a lemon is to the nuts when being hurled by an angry girlfriend for losing at Wii Sports. FML

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By Screwed - Australia

Today, I took some heavy pain medication before calling my boyfriend. I don't remember the call, but apparently confessed to really liking corn, and faking orgasms. FML

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By bern5555 - United States

Today, I was working with the kid I babysit for. We were out and he complained that he was hungry. I spent my very last $2 on chicken nuggets for him and a coffee for myself. Just as I sat down, he knocked over my coffee, spilling it into his chicken nuggets. Then he cried for over an hour. FML

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By lolreturn - United States

Today, I grabbed the nearest plastic bag in my bedroom when my boyfriend and I left for Wal-Mart so I could return a pair of shorts. When the cashier dumped the contents of the bag onto the counter at customer service, my shorts and a used condom fell out. It was the longest return of my life. FML

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By pizzalady

Today, while delivering pizza I was yet again given $0.04 over the total bill and told condescendingly to "keep the change". This happens on every shift. My pay is reduced during deliveries, and I drive my own car and use my own gas. For $0.04. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/5/2020 17:00

Time don't heal nothing

Today, I was sitting in my garden with my younger sister when she told me that she'd found pictures of me from a decade ago. She also told me that I've changed a lot over the years, because back then I was still pretty. My neighbours overheard it and started laughing out loud. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got my laptop back after sending it to Dell to repair water damage after a night of partying. Dell returned my computer unrepaired, saying it was unfixable. When I called to ask why they couldn't fix it, they told me it was a biohazard. Someone got drunk and pissed on my laptop. FML

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By Owww

Today, I went to the dentist at 8:30 for a check up. I walked out at 2:00 with a root canal and several thousand dollars in debt. I guess I'm not having a wedding this year or quitting the job I hate. FML

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By Cpm - Canada

Today, my girlfriend decided we are ready for the next step in our relationship. Apparently that next step is her taking a dump with the door open. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dell Rapids

Today, my entire gym class had to run the 1600 with our coach calling out finishing times. My finishing time was reported as "3 days short of a year." FML

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By beforegirl - Australia

Today, I discovered I am the "before picture" in an internet weight loss advert. FML

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By Anna - United States

Today, it's my twenty first birthday. My biggest birthday surprise was discovering that I'm alcohol intolerant, by vomiting my first beer all over my boyfriend's mother. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/9/2020 09:01

Walked into that one

Today, I stopped by McDonald's with my brother. I asked him what he wanted and I repeated his order. The lady said, "We don't have that here." I stupidly answered, "That's weird. We have it where I come from," and she replied, "Where did you come from honey, 1995?" FML

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By luckygirl - United States

Today, I was hit on by a guy who decided to use the line, "My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in." FML

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By Username - United States

Today, my boyfriend was telling me about accidentally punching his best friend in the face. As he was acting it out he ended up punching me and giving me a bloody nose. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Kansas City

Today, my husband reorganized our fridge for the World Cup. He cleared everything out and filled it with beer and chips. FML

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By and he wonders why I'm anxious - Netherlands

Today, after years of torment by my anxiety disorders and therapy and medication not helping, I've made the decision to try hypnosis. After doing a Google search and finding out my therapist is a man, my overly jealous fiancé insisted on joining, "because he might hypnotise you into cheating." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Olympia

Today, I got laid off. Why would they lay me off right before the holidays? Because they want to make sure every one else gets a nice holiday bonus. FML

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By Shenza - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I am exhausted and can barely move after being up all night taking care of my drunk and vomiting husband. He, on the other hand, feels much better and is bounding with energy. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned that my roommate, the one in charge of the cooking, never washes her hands beforehand. According to her, it boosts her immune system. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I decided to let in my new German Shepherd puppy inside to show the guest how adorable he is. In the middle of our conversation, he came running up to us with my vibrator in his mouth. FML

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By LifeSucks - United States

Today, as I was driving to work, I got a flat tire. While attempting to replace said tire, I got mugged. The guy took all my money, my iPod, cellphone, and CDs. When I finally called my boss to explain my situation, he fired me. Why? Because I was late and had an "overactive imagination." FML

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By StillAVirgin - Denmark

Today, my boyfriend said, "One day I'll tell my children how I met you. I mean, our children." It's pretty cute, except for the fact that we're 17 and have been dating for only two weeks. FML

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By Parent - United States - Elkhart

Today, being a divorced dad, I had a very important job opportunity for which I would be gone overnight. When I returned, I found my son locked in his room while the babysitter was having sex with a man in my bed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I shot a paintball gun at a bees' nest. The bees flew through my neighbors' windows and, for lack of a better word, slaughtered them. An ambulance was called, and I feel like a total dick. FML

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By koletatlow19 - Canada

Today, my boss fired me because "I didn't get the right kind of coffee beans." FML

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By Randy Savage - United States

Today, my girlfriend asked if her friend Alex from high school could join in with us and we could have an amazing threesome. As a horny dude how could I say no? Turns out Alex is also a guys name. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Toledo

Today, I went to a Father's Day lunch with my dad and his fiancée. He suddenly began to describe, in detail, the vasectomy he'd just had, and that I shouldn't be expecting any new siblings any time soon. Thanks for the mental image, Dad. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/1/2021 11:01

Happy New Year!

Today, my New Year’s Eve consisted of four things: being home alone, drinking cheap alcohol out of a tooth mug, getting an upset stomach from that, then going to bed early with ear plugs. FML

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By Hreid254 - United States - Temple

Today, my dogs somehow pulled the water spigot off the wall in my backyard. I now have my own private lake. FML

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By Forgetfull - United States

Today, I thought it would be romantic to take my girlfriend to the beach. It was raining so we left our shoes and phones in the car so we wouldn't be bothered. Apparently, I left my keys in the car too. The car was locked. FML

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By Lady_Luck - United States

Today, my friend and I were filming football practice and talking about what guys on the team were attractive and who we would want to get it on with. We didn't realize that the camera was recording everything that we said. The tape was played to the entire team the next day. With sound. FML

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By Anonymous - Argentina

Today, after getting a root canal, I told my mother how boring it was just sitting there with my mouth open for ages while the dentist did his work. She then told me how she had to do the same kind of thing on her anniversary night with my father. FML

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By no_hullabalo - Taiwan

Today, I went para sailing for the first time ever. My friends thought it would be funny to pull down my trunks right before my feet left the boat. I dangled there in the air for the whole resort to see. And I lost my shorts in the ocean. FML

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By joanikens

Today, I was so broke, I couldn't come up with enough change to pay the parking meter at my job. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Gainesville

Today, I asked my husband if he knew what day it was. His answer was, "garbage day?" It's our six-year anniversary. FML

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By Nuttree - United States

Today, I noticed my husband chews his tongue while we are having it off. He also does this while he is playing World of Warcraft. FML

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By theshire - France - Nice

Today, it's been 10 days since my family and I have been visiting France. I've always wanted to try their culinary specialties but my dad says we "can't trust them". We've eaten at McDonald's 9/10 times. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it's Black Friday. I got sucker-punched by some woman over a ten dollar griddle. FML

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By unwanted daughter - Canada - Oliver

Today, I overheard my mother talking to her friend, and using me as an example of how it's sometimes best to swallow. FML

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Top comments

By ThreeSheetsGone | 12

#2078802 - Sunday 13 February 2011 19:19

"...we go down instead"?

I need details damnit!

By erazzle | 0

#2082099 - Monday 14 February 2011 11:20

cause there's nothing else to do in Gladstone.

COMMENTS

By Flounder | 2

#2078791 - Sunday 13 February 2011 19:15

4069 yeah yeah!

By purplecowchik | 5

#2078798 - Sunday 13 February 2011 19:18

Not really an fml. How do these stupid fmls keep getting posted?

Reply

kaprookie | 3

#2079010 - Sunday 13 February 2011 20:23

Actually this one is pretty embarassing id be embarassed if it happend to me

Reply

tona01 | 16

#2079779 - Sunday 13 February 2011 22:19

naa
i do not think this is an fml, an fml would be like
-today, i went to swim, thinking i had my swimsuit on, i took my pants off, i realized i i dididn't have my swimsuit when a little girl started to scream,fml

By ThreeSheetsGone | 12

#2078802 - Sunday 13 February 2011 19:19

"...we go down instead"?

I need details damnit!

Reply

meowmeowwkitty | 0

#2080949 - Monday 14 February 2011 4:46

haha win!

By eternalsunlight | 5

#2078857 - Sunday 13 February 2011 19:30

on a side note Queensland does have the highest dole rate lol.

Reply

insanesna1l | 0

#2079720 - Sunday 13 February 2011 21:46

and Gladstone had the highest rate of teenage pregnancy a few years ago

Reply

erazzle | 0

#2082099 - Monday 14 February 2011 11:20

cause there's nothing else to do in Gladstone.

By I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#2078886 - Sunday 13 February 2011 19:41

I get knocked down! But I get up again!

Reply

Flamehog9 | 0

#2081308 - Monday 14 February 2011 6:29

ain't never gonna keep me down.

By perdix | 29

#2078893 - Sunday 13 February 2011 19:43

YDI for trying to plagiarize Chumbawumba.

Reply

wendyyyy | 0

#2079877 - Sunday 13 February 2011 23:12

haha

Reply

lordcaliburx | 0

#2080297 - Monday 14 February 2011 1:11

points

By stacster | 0

#2078978 - Sunday 13 February 2011 20:13

did they cheer? did they boo? did you die? thanks for telling half a story!

Reply

redrobin15 | 2

#2080414 - Monday 14 February 2011 1:51

lmao

Reply

xxxJORDYBEARxxx | 0

#2082042 - Monday 14 February 2011 10:26

on FML its never a full story... are you new?

By Astroman129 | 7

#2079000 - Sunday 13 February 2011 20:18

YDI for quoting Three Days Grace. I assume after that, you didn't want to stand above the crowd?

Reply

MoniV6661 | 0

#2081957 - Monday 14 February 2011 9:53

No, she wasn't the One. D:

By giantsfan2010 | 23

#2079052 - Sunday 13 February 2011 20:40

Thats not an Fml, thats hilarious!

Reply

toyota4life94 | 6

#2079069 - Sunday 13 February 2011 20:49

lol imr

By Person1233 | 12

#2079087 - Sunday 13 February 2011 20:58

"when we get knocked up... we squirt.."