Today, our new boss showed up for his first day of work. I thought... - FML

By Poorman - 11/12/2011 01:03 - United Kingdom

Today, our new boss showed up for his first day of work. I thought I'd seen it all, but he demands that we say "Hail to the King" every time he passes through the office. When I called HR about it, the guy on the other end told me to "man up and deal with it". FML

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Instadrama

All in the family

DINOSAURS!!

By Anonymous - 25/6/2009 08:34 - United States

Today, I was getting a pedicure and the woman sitting next to me asked the lady if she could take the skin she had scraped off my feet home to her birds because they love skin. She then describes for 20 minutes how her birds love to sit on her when her sunburn is peeling and eat her skin. FML

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By deathbysnoosnoo - 24/11/2009 21:42 - United States

Today, while showing my art work at a festival, a very old cougar walked up to me and asked if I wanted to hook up later. After refusing more than one time, the woman walked away with my business card. I've been getting emails with naked pictures. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/2/2012 08:40 - United States

Today, I gave myself a hernia while farting. FML

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By puppylove - 20/10/2012 07:16 - United States

Today, while driving with my puppy in the passenger seat, he jumped out of the window. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/1/2011 07:12 - United Kingdom

Today, I discovered after four hours of vomiting that it is very much possible to vomit so hard you can't help but shit in your trousers. My boyfriend is currently staying over, too. FML

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By Pottymouth - 25/7/2009 17:14 - United States

Today, I was having really bad diarrhea. I sat down on the toilet and heard a plop, thinking it was just me going to the bathroom. After I was finished, I look in the toilet to see my iPhone sitting in a pool of diarrhea. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/11/2018 16:00 - United States - Floral Park

Today, my self-described "genius" cousin came to the conclusion that cooking the turkey in the oven for 8 hours would take too long, so he doubled the temperature to have it done in half the time. The fire department had to come to put out the fireball that was once my butterball. FML

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By j - 1/3/2011 06:26

Today, I found out that the co-worker I have been dating and falling for is the same co-worker that had been spreading rumors about me and getting me in trouble with my boss. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/8/2015 08:33 - United States

Today, after hearing the doctor saying my girlfriend can never be pregnant, I got a bit too excited. I'm currently on the 5th hour of the silent treatment. FML

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By brooke - 21/3/2012 17:12 - United States - Kissimmee

Today, while driving home from school, I noticed one of our hot quarterbacks in the car behind me. Trying to impress him, I pulled into the driveway of an expensive-looking house. To my horror, he pulled in behind me and asked what I was doing at his house. FML

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By blah - 19/1/2016 20:53 - United States - Frisco

Today, I found out my father didn't have a rare brain disease, and that he was just an alcoholic. I've been taking care of him every time his "brain disease" acts up, for 2 years. FML

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By Loverscry - 5/11/2014 22:02 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I forgot my library book on a bench then I got on a bus, so I got off at the next stop and walked back to get it. I arrived just in time to see some guy pick it up and hop on another bus. So now I'm not on the bus I needed, and I have to pay for the book. FML

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By slipperyhands - 15/8/2009 07:50 - United States

Today, on my wedding day, when they said "you may kiss the bride", I swung my wife over in the romantic fashion and went in for the kiss. Unfortunately my hands were sweaty as I was nervous and she slipped under my grip. She fell and was knocked unconscious in front of hundreds of people. FML

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By sleeplessinID - 15/8/2010 07:23 - United States

Today, I haven't had any real sleep in 4 days because I am an insomniac. My father is also an insomniac but he takes Ambien to get his rest. Me? I'm stuck staring at the ceiling for hours because he won't let me take any kind of medication, because he doesn't want me "getting addicted." FML

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By Icy - 1/10/2009 06:59 - United States

Today, my crush was talking to me on Facebook. He said, "Did you know that 99% of the time a guy is talking to a girl it's because he wants to go out with her? Yeah, well, this is that 1%." FML

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By Tori - 15/7/2012 21:52 - Australia

Today, I told my boyfriend that I've been diagnosed with gestational diabetes. Despite all my attempts to explain that he's wrong, he is totally convinced that my genitals have diabetes. This guy is going to be such a great father to our kids. FML

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By yeah... - 22/1/2009 22:47 - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend who I am still in love with sends me a text message that says "I miss you, baby". It turns out my name comes right after his girlfriend's name on his contact list. FML

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By lolzor - 12/3/2009 12:07 - Australia

Today, I called a priest "lame". He responded jokingly with "God will smite you!" I laughed and walked out the door. I tripped and broke my ankle. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/10/2014 18:43 - United States

Today, I was at the mall with my young daughter. I hate pooping in public but I really had to go so I brought her in with me. Thinking we were alone, I started to go and my daughter yelled, "Good job, mommy, you're using the potty like a big girl!" I then heard laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/11/2014 01:38 - United States - Houston

Today, while walking home with my mom, some unoriginal cockshart in a passing car yelled at me: "Fuck her in the pussy!" It was a long, awkward walk home after that. FML

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By "princessmia" - 13/12/2019 20:00 - United States - Sequim

Felt so bad

Today, my little brother played my phone, and then accidentally sent a nude photo of mine to our step-dad, and now I have to spend all day with him and my mom on a road trip. FML

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By Username - 22/11/2010 22:39

Today, I admitted to my boyfriend of three years that I have been suffering from depression for a while now. He took it as a good time to dump me. FML

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By Singlelady - 21/9/2016 19:16 - United Kingdom - Stoke-on-trent

Today, my sister gently asked me if I was gay. Turns out I've been without a boyfriend for so long that the whole family believes I secretly have a girlfriend. FML

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By markerThief - 13/10/2013 04:33 - United States - Apple Valley

Today, I jokingly told my friend that I was the kid who stole his brand new glow-in-the-dark markers back in kindergarten. Now he's ignoring my texts and calls and says we're through. So much for our twelve years of friendship. FML

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By BrokeAsHell - 30/5/2013 08:51 - Australia - Werribee

Today, my landlord emailed me, stating that she hasn't been receiving my rent. After some investigation, I found out she's been using the money to buy booze, and hasn't been putting it into the house owner's account. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2010 19:59 - Canada

Today, my ex-girlfriend was having lunch with my parents. Believing she was in love with me and feeling the same, I dropped by. My parents told me that she’s their friend and that she has a boyfriend that they approve of, all while telling me I was never good enough for her. FML

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By ajdown - 17/6/2011 20:23 - United Kingdom

Today, I have an eight hour transatlantic flight and the person sitting next to me has already filled his third sick bag. This wouldn't be quite so bad were we not still at the terminal with passengers still boarding the plane. FML

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By Lars - 31/1/2009 17:25 - United States

Today, I fell down the stairs twice. I fell from the top, stopped in the middle, stood up, stepped down one more step, tripped, and fell down the rest of the stairs. FML

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By scoold - 21/12/2014 22:02 - United States - Dover

Today, my boss sent me a link on how to write a good resignation letter. FML

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By random0605 - 29/9/2011 05:01 - United States

Today, the clerk at Walmart asked me if the stretch mark cream I was buying was for my wife. I wish I could've said yes. FML

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By Lavalise - 5/11/2011 07:11 - France

Today, on the subway, a woman got off without her suitcase. I grabbed the case, chased her onto the platform, and shouted, "You forgot your suitcase!" while the doors closed behind me. In actual fact, it wasn't her suitcase, and its actual owner was still on the train. FML

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By KilledTheMoment - 23/11/2014 06:10 - United States - Mundelein

Today, I spent nearly an hour helping a customer pick out an engagement ring. I rang him up, picked out a super cute box for the ring, and wished him luck. Later I realized I never put the ring inside the box. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/1/2013 20:59 - Canada - Owen Sound

Today, my husband sent me a text before heading home from work. All it said was, "Need a fuck. Backed up to hell. You're about to shower face first in a fire hydrant." Love you too, hun. FML

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By Lexy - 10/11/2018 12:00

Today, I saw my boyfriend coming up the walkway to our home. When I opened the door to greet him with a huge smile on my face, he scowled at me and angrily said, "I don't know why you have to do that!" Smile gone. FML

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By Ignitingmylightsaber - 18/10/2009 11:29 - Australia

Today, my girlfriend and I had the weekend all to ourselves. On the second day, we finally got intimate, with me doing all she asked of her. In return for hard-work, she took my meat in her hand and started making lightsaber noises, before pronouncing "I don't see why people like it so much." FML

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By thecatlady - 27/2/2013 07:12 - Australia - Kambalda

Today, I realised the extent of my wife's cat obsession when I received an $850 bill for the air conditioner she leaves on for our 5 cats while we are at work. FML

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By Alone - 21/5/2014 11:05 - United States - Washington

Today, I finally had a date, my first one in well over a year. Everything was going good, until my date asked, "Do you like cats or dogs better?" When I responded cats, my date promptly got up and left, saying, "This isn't meant to be." FML

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By Tanner - 16/7/2011 06:23 - United States

Today, I got mugged. I also got an extra kick in the face for not having money in my wallet. FML

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By addie - 3/3/2013 08:27 - United States

Today, my fiancé called me as I was clocking out. I thought he was going to tell me that he was waiting outside. Instead, he told me that he's getting arrested and needs me to call his mom for him. FML

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By WiltedFlower - 31/7/2009 16:02 - United States

Today, I gave my wife of four years a special anniversary gift: a red rose dipped in liquid gold so that she would cherish and admire it forever. She told me it was too "Italian" looking. I now have a hundred dollar rose sitting in my office. FML

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Top comments

By desireev | 17

#3713279 - Sunday 11 December 2011 2:52

Fuck that!!! I'd tell him to shove it!! FYL

By StoryOfTheYear | 13

#3713306 - Sunday 11 December 2011 2:56

I suggest a rebellion.

Comments

By willpierce | 0

#3713277 - Sunday 11 December 2011 2:52

Frst

By desireev | 17

#3713279 - Sunday 11 December 2011 2:52

Fuck that!!! I'd tell him to shove it!! FYL

Reply

cyrusyoman | 5

#3713357 - Sunday 11 December 2011 3:01

amazing idea :)

Reply

officeradvil | 8

#3713384 - Sunday 11 December 2011 3:04

His boss might be Elvis. If so, then man up.

Reply

Ionodemon1995 | 0

#3713426 - Sunday 11 December 2011 3:13

But it might be Michael Jackson, so if then, suck his dick whilst acting like an 8 year old.

Reply

thor89 | 0

#3713432 - Sunday 11 December 2011 3:13

Is your boss Michael Scott?

Reply

enonymous | 8

#3713616 - Sunday 11 December 2011 4:05

Duke Nukem got an office job?!?

Reply

MuziKMajoR | 5

#3713620 - Sunday 11 December 2011 4:05

Tell him or her "hail to my balls mother fuker"

Reply

n_epic_fail | 14

#3713690 - Sunday 11 December 2011 4:34

Fuck his wife/girlfriend, see who's king then...

Reply

bitchslapped22 | 14

#3713806 - Sunday 11 December 2011 5:09

Wheres #1?

Reply

RawrScreamedTheC | 6

#3713826 - Sunday 11 December 2011 5:13

My teacher wanted his class to call him "greatness".

Reply

Muslimgal92 | 0

#3713867 - Sunday 11 December 2011 5:35

Where is number #1? What sorcery is this :O

Reply

cosmosis | 12

#3713911 - Sunday 11 December 2011 5:50

Acts of treason may be the answer! Down with the king and off with his head!!!

Reply

urdirtyolduncle | 15

#3713925 - Sunday 11 December 2011 5:55

Tell him you'll hail the king when his wife "salutes your captin" ;)

Reply

truthurt47 | 0

#3714232 - Sunday 11 December 2011 7:36

Unless it's Chuck Norris

Reply

BPFE | 1

#3714289 - Sunday 11 December 2011 7:57

what kind of fucking comment is that??

Reply

desireev | 17

#3715366 - Sunday 11 December 2011 15:38

What comment??? What kind of comment is what?

Reply

urdirtyolduncle | 15

#3715627 - Sunday 11 December 2011 16:43

Yes! Tell us! The suspense is killing me!!

Reply

Rawroar | 3

#4014935 - Friday 10 February 2012 1:06

Fuck his wife and yell "Hail to the king" as you cum.

By TitaniaSilk | 4

#3713280 - Sunday 11 December 2011 2:52

So do what he suggested! Just suck it up!

Reply

THE_A_TEEN | 27

#3713334 - Sunday 11 December 2011 2:59

...and suffer with a possibly narcissist boss who demands everyone to praise him. Nice job...

Reply

TitaniaSilk | 4

#3713344 - Sunday 11 December 2011 3:00

I mean, suck it up and do as he requested. Of course, no said you had to say it sincerely.
(For the record, this was posted before I saw #10)

Reply

twifan1901 | 0

#3713374 - Sunday 11 December 2011 3:03

Sincere or not "hailing the king" is crazy

Reply

docscientist | 9

#3713380 - Sunday 11 December 2011 3:04

Yeah, op, be a tool!

Reply

builditbetter09 | 3

#3713468 - Sunday 11 December 2011 3:27

Or while everyone is yelling "hail to the king" blurt out "FUCK YOU!!!" then look at the person next to you like wtf?

Reply

TitaniaSilk | 4

#3713743 - Sunday 11 December 2011 4:50

#12- By [un]sincerely I meant sarcastic. I was just trying to not be as rudely blunt as some people on here are. :)

Reply

TitaniaSilk | 4

#3715856 - Sunday 11 December 2011 17:46

Hey look! My comment got down voted so many times that it was hidden! That's a first! :D

By StoryOfTheYear | 13

#3713306 - Sunday 11 December 2011 2:56

I suggest a rebellion.

Reply

nixter5 | 18

#3713464 - Sunday 11 December 2011 3:26

What would make it even better is if the boss played Darth Vader music as he walks off.

Reply

MuziKMajoR | 5

#3713678 - Sunday 11 December 2011 4:30

Death to all who oppose me says the boss

Reply

McMan | 23

#3713688 - Sunday 11 December 2011 4:32

I prefer regicide myself.

Reply

DFlit1 | 0

#3713857 - Sunday 11 December 2011 5:30

Fuck rebellions those take time and planning no I say mutiny and appoint ur own new boss

Reply

ikickgingers | 15

#3714101 - Sunday 11 December 2011 6:45

Hail to the king baby!!!!!!!!

Army
Of
Darkness
Fuck yes!!!!!

By Palirose | 22

#3713307 - Sunday 11 December 2011 2:56

That's some bull crap. He cant fire you if you don't though.

Reply

evilplatypus | 38

#3713530 - Sunday 11 December 2011 3:43

He can make your life hell though. There are so many little things a boss can do to mess with you; it's like an art almost.

Reply

sheethapins | 13

#3713889 - Sunday 11 December 2011 5:44

Actually if it's an at will state he can but not disclose the reason. So... Man up.

Reply

lysx84 | 24

#3714691 - Sunday 11 December 2011 9:57

Apologies for ignorance here, what is an "at will state"? OP is in the UK, can I go right ahead an assume the post above is idiotic and irrelevant?

Reply

crazyrn | 6

#3715391 - Sunday 11 December 2011 15:47

It means your boss can fire you at will; he doesn't need a reason why.

Reply

sheethapins | 13

#3718745 - Monday 12 December 2011 6:19

Ah, you're right. Pardon my intoxicated assumption without looking to see op was in the uk. Oopsie poopsie.

By Jossylin | 0

#3713311 - Sunday 11 December 2011 2:56

Whatta douche!

By hateevryone | 14

#3713326 - Sunday 11 December 2011 2:58

tell him to kiss your ass!

Reply

W3ST | 0

#3713760 - Sunday 11 December 2011 4:52

Go cut urself.

By IdfkMyUsernamexC | 5

#3713327 - Sunday 11 December 2011 2:58

He must have something stuck up his ass lol

Reply

ikickgingers | 15

#3714119 - Sunday 11 December 2011 6:53

A boomstick?

Reply

monkeysareyummy | 0

#3714259 - Sunday 11 December 2011 7:48

Anal plug

Reply

tweetypie | 18

#3715169 - Sunday 11 December 2011 13:58

A scepter?

By sadistmonkey | 19

#3713332 - Sunday 11 December 2011 2:59

That would be exactly the opposite of manning up...

By DocBastard | 38

#3713340 - Sunday 11 December 2011 2:59

Just tell everyone in the office that "Hail to the King" actually means "Go fuck yourself, you pretentious twat". Then you can all say it as much as you want.

Reply

nava1210 | 12

#3713983 - Sunday 11 December 2011 6:08

Well then, HAIL TO THE KING!!!

Reply

KiddNYC1O | 20

#3714067 - Sunday 11 December 2011 6:36

Smooth. ^

Reply

monkeysareyummy | 0

#3714271 - Sunday 11 December 2011 7:52

So doc, what are those objects in the x-ray that are in the person? I can't tell.

Reply

ZTD09 | 2

#3714284 - Sunday 11 December 2011 7:56

If you can't tell you're probably not old enough to know.

Reply

thatKidzmOm | 10

#3714358 - Sunday 11 December 2011 8:37

It's not IN the person....it's AROUND the...err...person.

Reply

MandyMeow_fml | 18

#3714901 - Sunday 11 December 2011 11:42

Well 126. Thats an X-ray of a woman's pelvis and the little round thing you see is a condom stuck inside of her vagina.

Reply

thatKidzmOm | 10

#3715050 - Sunday 11 December 2011 12:58

Actually it's a guy with a cock ring.

Reply

Anubyte | 0

#3715443 - Sunday 11 December 2011 16:07

What's the wire up by the spinal cord?

Also, this may be stupid, but doesn't a X-ray only show medal, i.e. Not condoms?

Reply

jessesgirl14 | 16

#3716970 - Sunday 11 December 2011 22:15

152- I'm assuming you mean metal, but no, metal is not the only thing to show up in an xray...

Reply

DocBastard | 38

#3717157 - Sunday 11 December 2011 23:16

The wire is just part of a heart monitor.

Reply

monkeysareyummy | 0

#3718571 - Monday 12 December 2011 5:34

I love this great, deep, and thoughtful conversation and all, but I just want to know what it is and not someone guessing if it has to do with cocks or not.

Reply

monkeysareyummy | 0

#3718582 - Monday 12 December 2011 5:37

Oops sorry I posted that comment ^ before I saw docs comment. Forgive me. But is that what the ring thing is too?

Reply

bamagrl410 | 31

#3718937 - Monday 12 December 2011 7:20

142 - Usually before an x-ray you're asked to remove metal from the area being x-rayed. That would include a cock ring, so I'm not so sure that's what that is.

Reply

bamagrl410 | 31

#3719597 - Monday 12 December 2011 8:08

Nevermind... Just read Doc's blog & found the explanation. I officially feel stupid.

Reply

jellitonoctopus | 19

#3719657 - Monday 12 December 2011 8:40

I'm thrilled to see you've updated the stories from trauma bay, they are my favorite bedtime stories.

Reply

MandyMeow_fml | 18

#3719930 - Monday 12 December 2011 9:28

Oh that would make more sense I mistook it for a woman's pelvis