Today, our new boss showed up for his first day of work. I thought... - FML

By Poorman - 11/12/2011 01:03 - United Kingdom

Today, our new boss showed up for his first day of work. I thought I'd seen it all, but he demands that we say "Hail to the King" every time he passes through the office. When I called HR about it, the guy on the other end told me to "man up and deal with it". FML

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Boom, headshot

Spooky

Bad news

By kumcat - 11/1/2015 05:57 - United States - Aurora

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me by canceling our relationship status on Facebook. I commented in disbelief, only for my dad to reply "#rekt", then "But seriously, about time. She's gonna give your balls back, right?" Thanks for the support. FML

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By Username - 27/5/2011 02:39

Today, I saw a firework show. In my kitchen. When my stove blew up. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/11/2019 03:00

Misunderstanding

Today, my boss sent me to remove a tree from a client's home. So I went and cut down the tree, only for my boss to show up an hour later, speechless. I was supposed to remove a sapling that had sprouted through the driveway tarmac, not the 100-year-old prizewinning Japanese cherry tree. FML

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By dancer_2014 - 28/5/2011 12:44 - United States

Today, I was on my first blind date. We went to a fancy restaurant in the middle in the city. After using the bathroom, I came back to an empty table. He stole my purse and left. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/7/2013 16:16 - Puerto Rico - San Juan

Today, I was playing Monopoly with my kids. It was fun, and led to some mock fights. My neighbor, who despises me for being a single mother, used it as an excuse to call the cops on me for "abusing" my kids. They were too confused to do anything but nod at the officer's accusing questions. FML

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By apple - 28/2/2010 18:57 - United States

Today, I had to clean out my room because I was having a sleepover. Only, I've not been in here for months since I've spent every night in my mom's room because I'm too scared to sleep alone. FML

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By Trumpet - 28/6/2019 02:49

Today, my mom called me again to whine about what she heard about Trump on the news. I don't like him either and often agree with her, but she does this every 20 minutes so she can update with me. She's done this since he took office. FML

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By swtkiss1 - 18/2/2009 22:26 - United States

Today, my mom cleaned up my room. I had a drawer filled with condoms, 2 vibrators, and a bondage kit. She organized the condoms and vibrators in a shoe box. FML

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By wlisy - 30/9/2019 18:00

Drugged?

Today, I went to spend time with friends. The next thing I knew, I was waking up in my bed with several blocked contacts and text messages, saying that what I did was unacceptable. No drugs or alcohol were involved, and I have no memory of this. FML

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By KC - 25/4/2012 20:06 - United Kingdom - Cambridge

Today, I got into an argument with my mother, when she snapped and called me a son of a bitch. I said that made no sense, because I'm a girl, and it'd only really confirm that she's a bitch. She then grounded me for insulting her. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2020 14:00

Mah freedoms!

Today, my roommate told me she's coming back from her family's large house in Reno to Hawaii, because she "wants to work." We have a 14-day visitor's quarantine. And my workplace extended this to travellers' roommates. FML

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By John Brown - 24/7/2018 15:00

Today, my roommate told me that I have to find a new place to live because I make his new girlfriend uncomfortable. I just had surgery and am bedridden. FML

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By Katrin - 30/10/2011 19:13 - Norway

Today, I got into my car after a long shift at work. When I looked in my rear view mirror, a horrifyingly evil face grinned at me from the back window. I leaped out of the car, only to be chased around by two people in clown masks. It turned out to be a prank set up by my co-workers. FML

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By Disturbed son - 16/9/2018 01:30

Today, my mother sent a picture that was meant for her husband. I cannot unsee what I have seen. FML

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By it's a wonder I'm not illiterate as fuck - 12/4/2013 17:21 - United States - Roselle

Today, my school announced its senior motto for the year. For the second year in a row, it's "YOLO". FML

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By Anonymous - 6/12/2012 23:50 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I was yelled at by a customer, who was upset over having waited twenty minutes for a waiter to come take her order. Maybe it would be understandable, if she was sitting in an actual restaurant, and not a serve-yourself coffee house. FML

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By Sean - 14/8/2016 04:00 - Canada - Toronto

Today, as I was crossing a street, a car hit me and broke two of my ribs. The driver was too busy paying attention to his girlfriend who was giving him a blowjob from the passenger seat. I could see the look of ecstasy on his face as he rammed into me and drove off without noticing. FML

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By cero_kewl - 5/3/2012 05:12 - United States

Today, while I was on the floor stocking a bottom shelf, a man walked up behind me and humped the back of my head. He ran away laughing. This kind of shit happens all the time. I hate my job. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/11/2014 23:48 - France

Today, while shopping, a lady came up to me and asked if she could borrow my baby because, "Y'know, I'm in a hurry and they'll let me checkout first." FML

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By bloodyhell - 15/3/2020 15:05 - United States

Good God, man…

Today, my dad tried to convert me, as he has numerous times before, and asked me why I was an atheist. After giving him a polite explanation and asking him if we could drop the subject, he nodded slowly and said, "You must be menstruating or something. You'll change your mind." FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2019 06:00

They'll hear you coming

Today, I was diagnosed with exercise-induced asthma. I wanted to be a cop. FML

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By Karen - 31/8/2009 14:48 - United Kingdom

Today, I was hurrying for the bus home from work. It was raining and I had my umbrella up. As I hurried by two women, I felt my umbrella hit one of them on the head. I turned to apologise and saw her standing with her hands on her newly bald head. My umbrella had lifted her wig off her head. FML

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By tLee - 19/7/2011 04:04 - Canada

Today, I was laying in bed making out with a girl. After trying to figure out for a while why she was spending so much time on my neck it finally hit me. She was frantically and secretly trying to remove the gum she got stuck in my hair. She failed. FML

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By Mylifesucks - 23/5/2013 05:11 - United States - Lexington

Today, I was stuck in my apartment complex's elevator. I was shouting out for help when a voice came screaming, "This is the fire department." I was relieved until he said, "Just kidding." FML

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By Anonymous - 2/4/2012 02:25 - United States - Binghamton

Today, while mowing the lawn, I ran over a hornet's nest. FML

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By Arran - 10/4/2011 00:24 - United Kingdom

Today, I was reading a blog post by a girl that I really like. In the post, it said, "I know I'm not beautiful." I told her that I thought it wasn't true at all. She responded by crying hysterically and asking me why I would say that. It turned out that it actually said, "I know I'm beautiful." FML

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By Megan - 26/3/2013 19:04 - United States

Today, after my boyfriend promised he wasn't cheating on me, I ran into him at our favorite coffee shop with the girl I suspected him of cheating with. When I confronted them, he acted like he didn't know me. FML

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By special-ingredient - 2/8/2009 03:41 - Canada

Today, I came home tired and hungry from work. I put my feet up and sat down with a big bowl of chips and salsa. I thought I must have been really hungry because my regular no-name salsa tasted way better than usual. I looked down to examine the jar. Looks like I like the taste of mold. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2019 00:14

Today, I was touching myself in my room. Just as I hit the climax, my mom walked in because she heard me making noises and thought I was having a nightmare. FML

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By idiot - 19/11/2016 06:48 - United States - Wausau

Today, while I was reading on my tablet, my dog wanted to be let outside, so I set down the tablet and let her outside. I returned to the living room to continue reading when I heard a crunch. The tablet had fallen to the floor and I'd stepped on it. FML

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By fuck you, gran - 9/3/2013 00:38 - United States - Ashland

Today, my family threw me my 21st birthday party. My grandma's gift turned out to be a pack of condoms. "Not that you'll ever get to use them," she said, turning and walking off, cackling maniacally. Now I remember why I never talk to the old crone. FML

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By courtbabbbby - 12/2/2011 06:30 - United States

Today, I got banned on Club Penguin because I said "shit" while I was in a fight with another penguin about whose igloo is cooler. Shouldn't I have better things to do on a Friday night? FML

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By NaomiMadison - 30/7/2011 05:15 - United States

Today, my little brother came into my room and hit me over the head with his baseball bat. He then dropped the bat onto my floor and ran crying into my mother's room proclaiming I stole his bat and beat him with it for fun. FML

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By imsadnow - 31/1/2011 20:01 - United States

Today, I was having a bad day at work. Then, on my coffee break, a little boy walked up to me and told me I was the prettiest girl he'd ever seen. I'm a guy. FML

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By offrampmotel - 28/3/2017 14:00

Today, my 4-year-old son discovered that he really likes masturbating. So much in fact, that he took pictures of it with my phone. FML

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By nicoleee - 29/3/2012 20:16 - United States

Today, I was talking about phobias and anxiety disorders in psychology class. I nearly had a panic attack because I was worried that someone might realize I suffer from them. FML

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By RickTooBomb - 5/10/2016 15:23 - United States - Falls Church

Today, I was working as a valet when an old guy came up and wanted us to park his car. He said he had an accident. We looked in the car and saw poop all over the seat. We still had to park the car. FML

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By denae92 - 4/10/2019 04:00

Great timing

Today, I finally got the courage to tell my boyfriend that I love him. We've been dating almost a year and in a few days we will be moving into the same apartment building and attending the same college. He said, "I'm sorry, I don't feel the same way." FML

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By Brooke - 14/8/2015 16:50 - United States - San Francisco

Today, a cute guy approached me at a nightclub. I was really excited, until he drunkenly slurred "Babe, I'd suck the farts from your asshole!" and then threw up everywhere. FML

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By missseloit3 - 13/3/2018 19:00

Today, I met a nice guy who wanted to chat. I didn't want to be the bitchy type and throw him the "I have a boyfriend" line right away, so I conversed with him. When he asked was I single I, of course, said no. He yelled at me and made a huge scene about me leading him on. FML

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Top comments

By desireev | 17

#3713279 - Sunday 11 December 2011 2:52

Fuck that!!! I'd tell him to shove it!! FYL

By StoryOfTheYear | 13

#3713306 - Sunday 11 December 2011 2:56

I suggest a rebellion.

COMMENTS

By willpierce | 0

#3713277 - Sunday 11 December 2011 2:52

Frst

By desireev | 17

#3713279 - Sunday 11 December 2011 2:52

Fuck that!!! I'd tell him to shove it!! FYL

Reply

cyrusyoman | 5

#3713357 - Sunday 11 December 2011 3:01

amazing idea :)

Reply

officeradvil | 8

#3713384 - Sunday 11 December 2011 3:04

His boss might be Elvis. If so, then man up.

Reply

Ionodemon1995 | 0

#3713426 - Sunday 11 December 2011 3:13

But it might be Michael Jackson, so if then, suck his dick whilst acting like an 8 year old.

Reply

thor89 | 0

#3713432 - Sunday 11 December 2011 3:13

Is your boss Michael Scott?

Reply

enonymous | 8

#3713616 - Sunday 11 December 2011 4:05

Duke Nukem got an office job?!?

Reply

MuziKMajoR | 5

#3713620 - Sunday 11 December 2011 4:05

Tell him or her "hail to my balls mother fuker"

Reply

n_epic_fail | 14

#3713690 - Sunday 11 December 2011 4:34

Fuck his wife/girlfriend, see who's king then...

Reply

bitchslapped22 | 14

#3713806 - Sunday 11 December 2011 5:09

Wheres #1?

Reply

RawrScreamedTheC | 6

#3713826 - Sunday 11 December 2011 5:13

My teacher wanted his class to call him "greatness".

Reply

Muslimgal92 | 0

#3713867 - Sunday 11 December 2011 5:35

Where is number #1? What sorcery is this :O

Reply

cosmosis | 12

#3713911 - Sunday 11 December 2011 5:50

Acts of treason may be the answer! Down with the king and off with his head!!!

Reply

urdirtyolduncle | 15

#3713925 - Sunday 11 December 2011 5:55

Tell him you'll hail the king when his wife "salutes your captin" ;)

Reply

truthurt47 | 0

#3714232 - Sunday 11 December 2011 7:36

Unless it's Chuck Norris

Reply

BPFE | 1

#3714289 - Sunday 11 December 2011 7:57

what kind of fucking comment is that??

Reply

desireev | 17

#3715366 - Sunday 11 December 2011 15:38

What comment??? What kind of comment is what?

Reply

urdirtyolduncle | 15

#3715627 - Sunday 11 December 2011 16:43

Yes! Tell us! The suspense is killing me!!

Reply

Rawroar | 3

#4014935 - Friday 10 February 2012 1:06

Fuck his wife and yell "Hail to the king" as you cum.

By TitaniaSilk | 4

#3713280 - Sunday 11 December 2011 2:52

So do what he suggested! Just suck it up!

Reply

THE_A_TEEN | 27

#3713334 - Sunday 11 December 2011 2:59

...and suffer with a possibly narcissist boss who demands everyone to praise him. Nice job...

Reply

TitaniaSilk | 4

#3713344 - Sunday 11 December 2011 3:00

I mean, suck it up and do as he requested. Of course, no said you had to say it sincerely.
(For the record, this was posted before I saw #10)

Reply

twifan1901 | 0

#3713374 - Sunday 11 December 2011 3:03

Sincere or not "hailing the king" is crazy

Reply

docscientist | 9

#3713380 - Sunday 11 December 2011 3:04

Yeah, op, be a tool!

Reply

builditbetter09 | 3

#3713468 - Sunday 11 December 2011 3:27

Or while everyone is yelling "hail to the king" blurt out "FUCK YOU!!!" then look at the person next to you like wtf?

Reply

TitaniaSilk | 4

#3713743 - Sunday 11 December 2011 4:50

#12- By [un]sincerely I meant sarcastic. I was just trying to not be as rudely blunt as some people on here are. :)

Reply

TitaniaSilk | 4

#3715856 - Sunday 11 December 2011 17:46

Hey look! My comment got down voted so many times that it was hidden! That's a first! :D

By StoryOfTheYear | 13

#3713306 - Sunday 11 December 2011 2:56

I suggest a rebellion.

Reply

nixter5 | 18

#3713464 - Sunday 11 December 2011 3:26

What would make it even better is if the boss played Darth Vader music as he walks off.

Reply

MuziKMajoR | 5

#3713678 - Sunday 11 December 2011 4:30

Death to all who oppose me says the boss

Reply

McMan | 23

#3713688 - Sunday 11 December 2011 4:32

I prefer regicide myself.

Reply

DFlit1 | 0

#3713857 - Sunday 11 December 2011 5:30

Fuck rebellions those take time and planning no I say mutiny and appoint ur own new boss

Reply

ikickgingers | 15

#3714101 - Sunday 11 December 2011 6:45

Hail to the king baby!!!!!!!!

Army
Of
Darkness
Fuck yes!!!!!

By Palirose | 22

#3713307 - Sunday 11 December 2011 2:56

That's some bull crap. He cant fire you if you don't though.

Reply

evilplatypus | 38

#3713530 - Sunday 11 December 2011 3:43

He can make your life hell though. There are so many little things a boss can do to mess with you; it's like an art almost.

Reply

sheethapins | 13

#3713889 - Sunday 11 December 2011 5:44

Actually if it's an at will state he can but not disclose the reason. So... Man up.

Reply

lysx84 | 24

#3714691 - Sunday 11 December 2011 9:57

Apologies for ignorance here, what is an "at will state"? OP is in the UK, can I go right ahead an assume the post above is idiotic and irrelevant?

Reply

crazyrn | 6

#3715391 - Sunday 11 December 2011 15:47

It means your boss can fire you at will; he doesn't need a reason why.

Reply

sheethapins | 13

#3718745 - Monday 12 December 2011 6:19

Ah, you're right. Pardon my intoxicated assumption without looking to see op was in the uk. Oopsie poopsie.

By Jossylin | 0

#3713311 - Sunday 11 December 2011 2:56

Whatta douche!

By hateevryone | 14

#3713326 - Sunday 11 December 2011 2:58

tell him to kiss your ass!

Reply

W3ST | 0

#3713760 - Sunday 11 December 2011 4:52

Go cut urself.

By IdfkMyUsernamexC | 5

#3713327 - Sunday 11 December 2011 2:58

He must have something stuck up his ass lol

Reply

ikickgingers | 15

#3714119 - Sunday 11 December 2011 6:53

A boomstick?

Reply

monkeysareyummy | 0

#3714259 - Sunday 11 December 2011 7:48

Anal plug

Reply

tweetypie | 18

#3715169 - Sunday 11 December 2011 13:58

A scepter?

By sadistmonkey | 19

#3713332 - Sunday 11 December 2011 2:59

That would be exactly the opposite of manning up...

By DocBastard | 38

#3713340 - Sunday 11 December 2011 2:59

Just tell everyone in the office that "Hail to the King" actually means "Go fuck yourself, you pretentious twat". Then you can all say it as much as you want.

Reply

nava1210 | 12

#3713983 - Sunday 11 December 2011 6:08

Well then, HAIL TO THE KING!!!

Reply

KiddNYC1O | 20

#3714067 - Sunday 11 December 2011 6:36

Smooth. ^

Reply

monkeysareyummy | 0

#3714271 - Sunday 11 December 2011 7:52

So doc, what are those objects in the x-ray that are in the person? I can't tell.

Reply

ZTD09 | 2

#3714284 - Sunday 11 December 2011 7:56

If you can't tell you're probably not old enough to know.

Reply

thatKidzmOm | 10

#3714358 - Sunday 11 December 2011 8:37

It's not IN the person....it's AROUND the...err...person.

Reply

MandyMeow_fml | 18

#3714901 - Sunday 11 December 2011 11:42

Well 126. Thats an X-ray of a woman's pelvis and the little round thing you see is a condom stuck inside of her vagina.

Reply

thatKidzmOm | 10

#3715050 - Sunday 11 December 2011 12:58

Actually it's a guy with a cock ring.

Reply

Anubyte | 0

#3715443 - Sunday 11 December 2011 16:07

What's the wire up by the spinal cord?

Also, this may be stupid, but doesn't a X-ray only show medal, i.e. Not condoms?

Reply

jessesgirl14 | 16

#3716970 - Sunday 11 December 2011 22:15

152- I'm assuming you mean metal, but no, metal is not the only thing to show up in an xray...

Reply

DocBastard | 38

#3717157 - Sunday 11 December 2011 23:16

The wire is just part of a heart monitor.

Reply

monkeysareyummy | 0

#3718571 - Monday 12 December 2011 5:34

I love this great, deep, and thoughtful conversation and all, but I just want to know what it is and not someone guessing if it has to do with cocks or not.

Reply

monkeysareyummy | 0

#3718582 - Monday 12 December 2011 5:37

Oops sorry I posted that comment ^ before I saw docs comment. Forgive me. But is that what the ring thing is too?

Reply

bamagrl410 | 31

#3718937 - Monday 12 December 2011 7:20

142 - Usually before an x-ray you're asked to remove metal from the area being x-rayed. That would include a cock ring, so I'm not so sure that's what that is.

Reply

bamagrl410 | 31

#3719597 - Monday 12 December 2011 8:08

Nevermind... Just read Doc's blog & found the explanation. I officially feel stupid.

Reply

jellitonoctopus | 19

#3719657 - Monday 12 December 2011 8:40

I'm thrilled to see you've updated the stories from trauma bay, they are my favorite bedtime stories.

Reply

MandyMeow_fml | 18

#3719930 - Monday 12 December 2011 9:28

Oh that would make more sense I mistook it for a woman's pelvis