Miscellaneous: Today, I threw myself a surprise party. FML

By Anonymous - 02/06/2011 04:17

Today, I threw myself a surprise party. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 566

You deserved it 18 341

Miscellaneous

Unfortunate

How? Why? What?

Workout

By Whyme? - 28/04/2016 02:39 - United States - Hackensack

Today, as I was cleaning up after my two year-old, I found a pair of lacy underwear in his toy box. Not only are they not mine, but now I have to ask my husband if he's cheating on me. Or ask my babysitter if she's being having fun, instead of actually babysitting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 484

You deserved it 1 703

By Rotarius - 23/08/2012 18:09 - Canada - Toronto

Today, instead of staying home, I took an hour-long bus ride in the middle of the night to my girlfriend's place because on the phone she said, "I desperately need your body right now". It turned out she was just cold. She is also on her period. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 880

You deserved it 36 840

By Matthew - 16/06/2017 22:00 - United States - Largo

Today, after working at my summer job for 3 weeks, I was informed that I was too young to work there. I had contacted them 3 months prior and had given them my birthdate multiple times. I had also attended a special training in their corporate HQ, which I drove 7 hours both ways to get to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 069

You deserved it 303

By -_- - 13/08/2011 00:05 - United States

Today, I was getting intimate with my boyfriend for the first time. I went down on him, only for him to burst into tears halfway through. Apparently, I do it just like his long-lost teen sweetheart did. I swear I could feel him go completely limp in my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 376

You deserved it 4 592

By PlayTag - 05/02/2009 00:58 - United States

Today, my girlfriend gave me a blow-up doll and told me to practice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 728

You deserved it 18 661

By Anonymous - 25/05/2016 07:53 - Australia - West Hoxton

Today my coworker, who I'm secretly in love with, asked me what my plans for the weekend were. I thought she might have been about to ask me out, so I said that I had no plans. She then rolled her eyes and said that she hates talking to, "boring people who shut down every conversation starter." FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 124

You deserved it 1 567

By sadf4x0r - 24/02/2010 17:27 - United Kingdom

Today, I realised my girlfriend is the perfect woman for most men. She only ever talks to me in the intermissions on Modern Warfare 2; shame it's not me playing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 606

You deserved it 6 332

By disapointed girl - 28/12/2009 16:58 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of a month and I had sex for the first time. We started in the shower and then moved to his bedroom. He then feel asleep when I was on top. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 896

You deserved it 5 841

By MikeA - 09/06/2017 12:00

Today, I used Siri to text my VP asking for a good time to talk. Siri helpfully changed the text to ask for a "good time to talk my dick" and sent it before I could change it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 444

You deserved it 2 070

By kay_jay1819 - 19/11/2010 05:04 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I had great sex and afterward decided to take a shower together. He left the room to get some towels, so I went to the bathroom and wait. I walked out of his room wearing nothing but a thong and ran into his mom who had come home from work early. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 909

You deserved it 33 272

By kissandcontrol01 - 10/10/2015 04:22 - United States - Hanford

Today, I decided to take a well-deserved shower. When I let my hair down, twenty six cents fell onto the floor. I have no idea how they got there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 525

You deserved it 4 122

By forever alone - 10/03/2018 09:00 - United States - New York

Today, during the garter toss at a wedding, all the eligible men yelped and scrambled, evading it like a falling meteor. They apparently wanted to stay single, rather than put it on and dance with the one who caught the bouquet, which was me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 565

You deserved it 415

By milly - 20/12/2011 10:43 - Norway

Today, my mother commented "loser" on my Facebook profile picture. She got 41 likes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 128

You deserved it 6 585

By Username - 10/08/2011 12:36 - United States

Today, my boyfriend leaned over and sniffed me like a dog. He does this almost every day, even in front of people sometimes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 489

You deserved it 7 131

By Anonymous - 17/04/2012 20:53 - United States - International Falls

Today, I was sleeping in after working a graveyard shift. I awoke to my girlfriend sneaking her stuff out of the house. She planned on leaving her key on my pillow and taking off without any notice whatsoever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 302

You deserved it 2 029

By sarajj - 29/03/2013 21:36 - United States - Littleton

Today, I felt frisky, so I went over to my boyfriend's place, hoping to have some fun. I brought over a movie, and part-way through it, I started feeling him up. He responded by sighing, "That's really fucking annoying, babe. Cut it out, yeah?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 611

You deserved it 9 243

By mn167109 - 09/12/2014 05:45 - United States - Saint Charles

Today, I asked my dad why we didn't have any baby pictures. His response was, "They got lost in the flood of '93." I was born in '95. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 276

You deserved it 2 649

That Friday feeling

By Anon - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - New Zealand

Today, I was fired by one of my bosses for doing something the other boss told me to do. I work for a family company. Turns out my bosses are going through a divorce and will do anything to prove the other wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 572

You deserved it 1 955

Buckle down

By tryingtobepretty101 - 02/09/2011 16:58 - United States

Today, my report card finally came in. My mom took one look at it and told me that if I'm not going to take my grades seriously, I might as well start looking for a sugar daddy. But first, I apparently need to work on prettying myself up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 144

You deserved it 8 802

By sneaky1324 - 18/08/2012 07:49 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I woke up by inhaling a fly up my nose, and feeling it twitching and slowly dying inside my nasal cavity. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 875

You deserved it 2 186

By annoyed - 22/01/2015 20:23 - United States - Berkeley

Today, I was diagnosed with gonorrhea. My dad's reaction was to slowly clap at the news then giggle at his own joke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 459

You deserved it 10 135

By BaldingQuick - 02/02/2010 07:34 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. This was after I saved several paychecks to afford to give her a weekend away for her birthday. Why did she end things so quick? Because apparently I'm balding faster than her Dad. I'm 20. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 495

You deserved it 2 637

By unemployed-dude - 08/12/2015 06:17 - Australia - Vermont

Today, I got fired from my job because I closed the store 84 seconds early. They found out because the state manager was sitting across the street with binoculars watching me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 304

You deserved it 3 855

By awkwardaf3 - 12/12/2016 01:13 - United States - Bel Air

Today, as I squatted down to get a snack, my pajama pants ripped wide open. I guess the universe is try to tell me something. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 396

You deserved it 1 826

By anx133 - 16/01/2009 01:25 - China

Today, I daringly tried that fish-bath thing, where all these fish come and eat all of your skin's dead cells. I got into it, and after 15 minutes of being a human buffet, at least 20 of the fish died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 457

You deserved it 6 648

By nerp - 29/03/2016 19:44 - Canada - Toronto

Today, a stranger had a go at me for smoking while pregnant. I'm a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 958

You deserved it 2 653

By Iarla_ceapaire93 - 16/06/2015 17:27 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I went to the gym to try to get into shape. While I was running on the treadmill, my beer belly pushed against the emergency stop button, twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 435

You deserved it 5 545

Almost done

By Anonymous - 09/04/2013 04:59 - Canada

Today, it's my 17th birthday, and the first birthday since my mother died, leaving me to live with my previously-absent father. He gave me pretzels and a laser pointer, and said, "Happy birthday, fuckstick." One more year… FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 487

You deserved it 3 423

Happiest place on Earth

By creepedoutmom - 17/05/2015 16:08 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I took my family to Disneyland. My husband had more fun than my five year-old daughter. He was hitting on the princesses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 532

You deserved it 3 173

By kasai_x0x - 19/06/2010 16:27 - Canada

Today, I found out what cat food tastes like mixed with mayo, hot sauce, and between two perfectly toasted pieces of rye bread. My cat found out what tuna tastes like instead of her normal food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 455

You deserved it 36 033

By poisonhand - 14/01/2009 15:32 - United States

Today, a co-worker asked me if I had a comb he could borrow. I'm bald. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 702

You deserved it 2 795

By RC3Welly - 09/03/2012 22:58 - United States

Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled, "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 645

You deserved it 1 346

By LittleFriend - 30/11/2017 06:00

Today, I was told I will receive no Christmas or birthday presents for the next 3 years because my parents paid for my rhinoplasty. I needed it because my 12-year-old brother smashed my nose with a hammer in a fit of rage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 853

You deserved it 282

By JoseIsAdork - 11/01/2016 18:03 - United States - Somers

Today, I realized how lonely I am, when I got a call from an elderly women who had dialed the wrong number. We ended up having a 20 minute conversation about her cat and how he "just won't use the darn litter pan." I was sad when she had to hang up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 261

You deserved it 2 359

By dumpedattheclub - 28/03/2009 03:40 - United States

Today, me and my girlfriend went to the club. The song "Single Ladies" by Beyonce came on; the DJ came on the mic and said "Single ladies raise your hands!" My girlfriend raised her hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 879

You deserved it 7 242

There's insane and then there's this guy

By Anonymous - 30/03/2020 08:00

Today, my idiot boss, who says he used to be an EMT, thinks that all safety precautions in the company COVID-19 response memo and everything we’ve heard from the WHO and CDC is bull and removed the gloves from everyone’s truck. We’re a plumbing and drain company. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 111

You deserved it 99

By Nik - 20/02/2010 15:05 - United States

Today, I found out that my mother was having an affair with my boss "to help me keep my job" because she thought I was useless. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 575

You deserved it 2 641

By Jeff - 12/06/2019 14:00

Today, I found out that women have another hole that they pee out of. I'm 37. FML

I agree, your life sucks 660

You deserved it 2 798

By SendHelpAndBleach - 15/06/2018 05:00

Today, I decided to surprise my parents who I haven’t seen in a while. They weren’t home, but I still have a key so I let myself in. When I went to my old room to put down my bags, I was greeted by a sex swing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 560

You deserved it 1 456

By Concussed - 17/01/2010 06:22 - Australia

Today, as I showered, I sneezed, hit my face on the wall, got shampoo in my eyes, slipped on a bar of soap, bashed my head on the wall as I fell, grabbed at the walls to stop me from falling and happened to turn off the cold water, scorching me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 618

You deserved it 6 039

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Top comments

RecklessJellyBea 7

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Thursday 2 June 2011 12:24

I'm surprised you were even invited.

redbluegreen 40

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Thursday 2 June 2011 12:11

And you're genuinely surprised it's come to this?

redbluegreen 40

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Thursday 2 June 2011 12:11

And you're genuinely surprised it's come to this?

Jaykayfu 0

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Thursday 2 June 2011 12:24

Forever alone .

LifeSucksbtw 0

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Thursday 2 June 2011 12:25

how can you complain about a surprise party op! :p

Deathpawz 4

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Thursday 2 June 2011 13:41

at least you don't have to share your cake op :D

KaintukeeBob 13

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Thursday 2 June 2011 14:40

The important question is: were you surprised by the party?

FMLidiot 12

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Thursday 2 June 2011 16:09

how do you throw yourself a surprise party? it's my birthday in 6 days, so I could do with some pointers!

YacL 15

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Thursday 2 June 2011 16:39

Were you surprised? Don't give yourself a heart attack or punch yourself in the face, I've seen stuff like that happen at surprise parties.

staceysgenesis16 0

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Thursday 2 June 2011 22:08

so it wasnt much of a surprise eh?

Zeek63 0

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Friday 3 June 2011 2:55

was it fun?

qwerty8788 4

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Friday 3 June 2011 6:57

thats what pot does.

LocsOn 13

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Tuesday 18 November 2014 18:51

well I bet "you deserved it"

Divi324 0

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Thursday 2 June 2011 12:13

Ydi for suprising yourself

PsychoXtheXrapis 3

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Thursday 2 June 2011 12:14

Surprise!!!!!

Eggers 2

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Thursday 2 June 2011 12:41

The op then decided to treat himself to some surprise sex.

ElGranOrgo 0

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Thursday 2 June 2011 14:19

yeah to some birthday sex

kingtz 6

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Thursday 2 June 2011 14:38

Yep. The party was in his pants...

snade 0

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Monday 6 June 2011 5:17

op. You are a badass

unluckiestperson_fml 14

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Thursday 2 June 2011 12:14

Were you surprised?

dragonaair 5

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Thursday 2 June 2011 14:29

Off topic and random, but I smell of dying marbles.

KiddNYC1O 20

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Thursday 2 June 2011 14:57

I don't know but #35 is about to be surprised by the harlem globe trotters...

unluckiestperson_fml 14

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Thursday 2 June 2011 18:04

35-...what?

fmlsaves 0

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Thursday 2 June 2011 20:54

you look suspiciously like a friend of mine, but She's from California

unluckiestperson_fml 14

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Thursday 2 June 2011 20:59

I'm Scottish so it's not me :P

Heinousness 0

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Thursday 19 April 2012 14:16

I am OP In training. I'll end up throwing a surprise party for myself. I can also feel OP's pain. Fuck our lives.

mind_geek 15

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Thursday 2 June 2011 12:22

Forever Alone.

poohforMVP 4

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Friday 3 June 2011 4:58

tht profile pic u have is hilarious...just sayin

destroyer713 0

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Tuesday 7 June 2011 13:31

poker face . . ---

RecklessJellyBea 7

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Thursday 2 June 2011 12:24

I'm surprised you were even invited.

CrashTheNinja 4

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Thursday 2 June 2011 15:23

RecklessJellyBea win :D

whosechairisthat 0

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Thursday 2 June 2011 22:57

i made your thumbs up 69. *hehe*

Emmy_The_Great 2

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Friday 3 June 2011 0:42

Probably the biggest WIN comment I've ever read

Exadrin 0

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Monday 13 February 2012 10:53

Whats so win about that?

EvilPotato 14

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Thursday 2 June 2011 12:25

*sniff* *sniff* this is so sad.

locachick101 0

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Thursday 2 June 2011 12:27

damn that a big disappointment you must been really bored or got no friends. so who was invited? haha

Emmy_The_Great 2

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Friday 3 June 2011 0:44

OP is a white crayon.

lovepinkandzombi 0

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Thursday 2 June 2011 12:30

did you at least act surprised?

zojieeu 6

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Thursday 2 June 2011 12:32

fyl for being surprised by your own party

Nearly

Today, I feel like I'm going crazy as I'm in a 2-year relationship with a guy who's 17 years older than me (I'm 23). He's a wonderful partner and I'm totally in love, but the age gap causes monthly, sometimes daily, shifts between wanting to have it all with him, and wanting to leave him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5

You deserved it 45

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46

You deserved it 25

Spicy

Today, I found out on Facebook that my mom and step-dad have an open marriage. To make matters worse, my step-dad shamed me for not being more sex positive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 359

You deserved it 93

Today, I found out why my husband faked being sick on Thanksgiving. He was invited to Thanksgiving dinner by to the coworker he’s seeing. She was planning to introduce him to her family. He never told her he was married, so knowing I would tag along if he came, he faked having a “fever” so he couldn’t go out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 682

You deserved it 33

That Friday feeling

Buckle down

Almost done

Happiest place on Earth

There's insane and then there's this guy

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