Today, I threw myself a surprise party. FML

35536

18333

Today, I got home from work to find my house covered in graffiti dicks, the windows smashed, the front lawn entirely ripped up, and my letter box containing dog shit. I also found a note taped to the door saying, "Suck on this Darren". Darren is my next door neighbor. FML

Miscellaneous

Rock, hard place

Healthy relationship

Thanks ma

By Anonymous - 11/7/2011 07:42 - Australia

63455

3270

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend. I had been hiding the ring in the sock drawer. When I went to retrieve it, the ring was gone and in its place was a sticky note that said "NO." FML

By newlysingle - 14/12/2011 05:15 - United States

57664

3562

Today, I was taking a bath and out of boredom started making sheep noises. I then had a conversation with myself in farm animal noises. When I got out of the bath, I walked to my bedroom in my towel, passing the living room... where my little brother's soccer team burst out laughing. FML

By Anonymous - 5/6/2009 21:33 - Canada

24883

75166

Today, I met separately with the President and Chairman of the company regarding a product that I'm designing. Each ordered me to do the opposite of whatever the other instructed. FML

By beagle1 - 3/4/2012 15:10 - United States - Knoxville

26071

2374

Today, my dad informed me that my prom dress makes me look chubby from the side, gives me "back fat", and that I wouldn't want to go to prom looking like that. I tried to ignore his hurtful comments and tell myself I was beautiful. Then the clasp broke. FML

By Winx - 16/3/2012 07:13 - United States

30222

11629

Today, I went over to my parents' house with my female, unspayed dog. I guess they haven’t had their dog neutered, because he tried to mount her. When I attempted to stop him, he knocked me into their stone fire pit, splitting my head and elbow open. FML

By Anonymous - 29/7/2019 14:00

1391

1250

Today, I got a new pair of glasses, and was driving home. While waiting at a stop sign, I noticed a homeless guy touching himself. He saw me, smiled and waved, and then continued. So much for my new eyesight. FML

By Anonymous - 11/6/2012 20:30 - United States

28416

2751

Today, my Nana showed me her new sign that says, "Some of my greatest blessings call me Nana." We stood there looking at a wall FULL of pictures of her grandkids, which is where she wanted to hang it. After scanning the wall a couple times, I realized. There was not one picture of me. FML

By weeble_wobbles09 - 26/12/2009 02:06 - United States

31332

2803

Today, my mom laid into me, calling me a selfish bitch, blaming me for my dad not being around and finally that she should’ve aborted me. All because I couldn't get her booze from the neighborhood market she’s been banned from. I’m not even 21. FML

By fuck you mom - 17/4/2020 20:00

Boozehound

2526

129

Today, my boyfriend went to ask my dad for my hand in marriage. All I could make out from the door was mumbling, until profanities started flying. My boyfriend shouted "well she's a SINGLE bitch now!" and stormed out of the house. My dad still refuses to tell me what happened in there. FML

By wtactualfuck :( - 24/10/2012 21:08 - United States

37395

2349

Today, I had to catch a shuttle bus. I awoke to the sound of a car horn. I ran out in my boxers and saw a bus take off down the road. I chased it, thinking I had missed my bus. I realized I hadn't only when I saw frightened kids in the back of the bus. FML

By militiousroflcopter - 1/3/2010 22:04 - United States

9236

23981

Today, while at my boxing gym, an old man came inside and did the oddest drunk dance in order to serenade me. I'm a fighter and fine with taking punches to the face, but froze in terror at the sight of this. FML

By No Action Fighter - 22/8/2011 07:44 - United States

26106

3367

Today, the magic of witnessing a sheep giving birth was ruined for me when I slipped and fell in the puddle of birth fluids. FML

By 3hoursleftofwork - 28/3/2012 18:02 - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

28648

5316

Today, I dropped my remote behind the bed and went to reach for it. Instead of the remote, I grabbed hold of a rat carcass that must have got in when builders were working in my bathroom several weeks ago. FML

By xxmollyxx - 16/12/2010 11:54 - Sweden

32530

3553

Today, I told my boyfriend I had to go out and that I'd be back later. He asked where I was going. "To see my other boyfriend," I chuckled, smiling. He took it seriously and wouldn't believe it was just a joke. I'm pretty sure I'm now single. FML

By Anonymous - 26/8/2015 11:28 - United States

22360

10024

Today, I slept over at my friend's house. Her dad made breakfast for us. While fixing a plate, my friend said, "Careful, my dad clips his nails in the kitchen." She said it with a sarcastic, joking tone, and laughed afterwards. While eating, I found a toenail in my food. Her response? "I told you." FML

By sleepysophie - 19/10/2013 15:04 - United States - Helena

50492

5507

Today, I went to get my underarms waxed. I'm usually not self-conscious because I figure they see worse stuff all the time. When I raised my arm for her to wax my armpit she looked at me, laughed and said "Well I guess that's how I know it's winter in Wisconsin!" FML

By Kelly - 2/3/2009 23:38 - United States

42898

9418

Today, I was mowing my grandma's lawn when I was suddenly swarmed by bees. When my grandma saw me covered in stings later on, she said, "Oh yeah, there are tons of bees in the grass! Be careful!" FML

By bees - 9/10/2014 06:51 - United States - Lancaster

36947

2694

Today, it was my wedding day. When my soon-to-be-husband was saying his vows, he didn't say my name. He said his mother's. FML

By Anonymous - 4/8/2012 06:00 - United States - Santa Fe

33707

2219

Today, I returned home from a 2-day trip. Before I left, I told my brother to move my car across the street when the street cleaner passes by. Turns out, he used all my gas and got so wasted he forgot to move my car. I got a big ticket that he said he'd pay for. He's unemployed and lives off me. FML

By yessssir - 9/3/2010 02:24 - United States

25755

4916

Today, I was overseeing a nativity play rehearsal. Things went fairly well, until a boy's grandma stormed in, ranting that Christmas is a "Pagan abomination", and shouting for him and his mom to leave with her. Half the kids were left in tears, and we had to cancel the rehearsal. FML

By judge not, ye cunt - 21/12/2012 23:00 - Canada - Toronto

28036

2990

Today, I was at my bf's house (we are long distance, about 5 hours apart). I found an entire drawer of another woman's clothing and belongings. He told me that they were his ex's, but I don't believe him. I thought he was the love of my life and I'm realizing I'm just his side piece. FML

By madafgf - 17/8/2017 04:30

4575

527

Today, I had to confess to my mother that I was too hungover to take her to her AA meeting. FML

By geeb - 23/2/2010 18:33 - United States

9548

36349

Today, I finally landed a new job, and thinking he would be proud, I told my boyfriend. Instead of congratulating me, he got mad that my work hours include Saturday, his laundry day. FML

By shampoogirl - 26/8/2011 18:26 - United States

31974

4222

Today, I was at the extremely crowded gym when someone came up behind me and shouted in my ear scaring the living shit out of me. I jump into a karate pose in front of everyone. No one was behind me. It was a new song starting on my headphones. A trainer asked me if I needed an ambulance. FML

By dearme - 2/6/2009 01:53 - United States

36220

69393

Today, I was volunteering at the hospital. This lady was calling the Nurses' Station, and I had to go see what she wanted. When I asked her what she needed, she mumbled something. As I leaned in closer to hear what she was saying, she threw up all over my face. Apparently, she was nauseous. FML

By Anonymous - 12/4/2009 19:41 - United States

64344

4912

Today, I gave my phone number to a guy at the movie theatre. I was excited to receive a text a few minutes later, sure enough when I unlocked my phone I had received a message from an unknown number. It was his girlfriend. FML

By Whoisshe - 17/1/2020 01:00

Unknown number

1890

378

Today, it's the 8th day in a row that my mother-in-law has made me drink laxative tea. I still haven't pooped yet and I'm terrified of what's to come. FML

By Anonymous - 28/1/2017 14:00

7342

621

Today, after 27 years of dedicated and loyal service, it finally happened, I was robbed at gunpoint at work. The whole heist only took about 30 seconds and the perpetrator took off without taking anything from me. I still don't get it. What kind of screwball would hijack a garbage truck? FML

By Pedro the Basuraman - 11/5/2018 20:30

4053

181

Today, a mad woman squirted me with a water gun filled with paint as we were leaving the church where I just married my husband. As I was staring at this mad bitch in my ruined dress, wondering why she would do something so horrible, she ran off crying and shouting, "Sorry wrong wedding!" FML

By Anonymous - 6/11/2018 14:00

4337

177

Today, I was helping my friend wash dishes. As I went to grab some tongs to dry them I impale my forearm on a knife that's sticking blade up. My friend wanted to finish the dishes before taking me to the hospital. FML

By hurts - 4/5/2009 18:48 - Canada

66526

4964

Today, I underwent surgery and feeling rather groggy upon being awoken, I very loudly declared, "I've always had a thing for doctors. Kiss me?" then promptly giggled, tried to launch myself in a random doctor's arms and fell flat on my face. FML

By Anonymous - 12/6/2015 19:43 - United Kingdom - London

28261

4921

Today, I caught my son trying to punch his own teeth out so he'd get more money from the tooth fairy. FML

By DENTALITY - 23/5/2015 11:06 - Norway

28967

3617

Today, my 3-year-old fell asleep in our bed while cuddling me, and I let him stay since he was being so sweet. In the middle of the night, he took off his pants and pissed all over my head and back. FML

By Birdman - 23/6/2018 15:00

3487

728

Today, it's day three of our power being off because of a glitch in the power company's computer system. They won't turn it back on until we pay the $2000 we owe from 2010. We moved here in 2012. FML

By its dark - 7/1/2016 23:04 - United States - San Francisco

22219

1288

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for a second time. Then when I was getting dressed with him sitting there next to me, there was a silence. He thought to fill it, he'd grab my hand and fist-bump me. FML

By Kylee Day - 27/8/2019 06:00

1372

339

Today, my girlfriend named my penis "little baby carrot." FML

By Anonymous - 16/8/2009 17:14 - United States

62988

10914

Today, I fell asleep in my driver's ed class, and I woke up in a middle of a dream laughing. Everyone stared at me. I found out that the teacher had just finished talking about his vegetative niece who didn't wear a seat belt. FML

By Biggest Jerk - 14/2/2009 23:15 - United States

17762

38388

Today, I took my 2-year-old son to the ear doctor, since he'd stopped responding whenever I call him. The doctor told me that his ears are just fine. He's just ignoring me. FML

By fml - 29/7/2012 12:20 - Japan - Koshigaya

28538

5770

Today, I got so bored that I ordered my DVD drawer from awesomest to non-awesomest. I need a life. FML

By melonhead77 - 29/3/2012 11:46 - Cyprus

19856

6787