The Top

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The top of the day The top of the week The top of the month The top of the year The all-time greatest FMLs

By dumbo - 30/07/2009 14:43 - United States

Today, my friends had ditched me for a party I hadn't been invited to so I was sitting home alone. The only other thing in my house was the mosquito I nicknamed Fred. I liked to watch Fred fly around and try to suck my blood. Twenty minutes later, I found Fred's dead body. I was actually sad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 890

You deserved it 18 925

By Anonymous - 22/11/2012 09:39 - United States

Today, I decided to go meet up with a guy that I met online for the first time. All he could talk about was how he expects me to "clean, cook, and submit" my body for sex at least twice a day when we get married. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 693

You deserved it 6 193

By Anonymous - 21/11/2012 05:00 - United States - Casselberry

Today, my dog climbed onto the dining room table to eat the cat's food. Then whined until I showed him how to get down. He does this every night. My dog is a genius. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 972

You deserved it 5 111

Open your eyes

By Anonymous - 01/10/2021 14:00

Spicy

Today, I was taking some "me time" when my neighbor drove past and saw me. What I failed to realize was that my dog had pushed the shades open for my body to be right on display. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 132

You deserved it 420

By pissed - 21/02/2015 00:35 - United States - Schaumburg

Today, my mom told me that, even though my brother sells drugs, he's still her favorite child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 083

You deserved it 2 993

kerstileann tells us more.

kerstileann 26

Saturday 21 February 2015 18:54

you know youll get modded and have a ban against you for saying that right? :)

By Shady_Soldier - 31/10/2013 08:41 - United Kingdom

Today, I decided to get over my lifelong fear of Michael Jackson. I went to have my photo taken with a statue of him. Little did I know, for Halloween week they replace the statues with real people. It jumped out at me; I'm never getting over this fear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 622

You deserved it 7 351

By Anonymous - 20/11/2012 01:15 - United States

Today, my girlfriend looked me straight in the eye and said, "I know about the sea turtles." I asked her what she was talking about and she said, "Next time, shut up or I'll show you pain." I have no idea what she's talking about. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 682

You deserved it 2 349

By sexyredhead - 14/02/2012 18:14 - United States

Today, I was in class when someone came in with a rose for me. My teacher made me read the card aloud: "I'm breaking up with you, happy Valentine's." It was from my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 206

You deserved it 3 470

By Animal cruelty - 19/02/2015 13:46 - Australia

Today, I was off from school because of an extremely bad barking cough. My neighbours called the police because apparently my cough sounds like someone torturing an animal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 172

You deserved it 2 378

Creep in chief

By wow @ creepy fuckers - 17/11/2012 01:06 - United States

Today, yet again, my boss whined to me like a baby over being "friend-zoned" by his secretary. Not only does he basically stalk her and make her eat lunch with him every day, she's a lesbian in a committed relationship. He suspended me after I lost it and told him to see a fucking therapist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 194

You deserved it 6 160

That bastard!

By omgwtfsam - 27/07/2009 00:53 - United States

Spicy

Today, my dad somehow found some pictures of my boyfriend having sex with some girl and went on a rampage about how pissed he was that he was cheating on me. I had to explain to my parents that I was the girl in the pictures. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 269

You deserved it 19 431

Weird family

By Veronica - 29/12/2022 09:00 - United States - Allentown

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex. His mom didn’t know much about it, and she walked in on us. After about 5 minutes she came back up, threw a box of condoms at us, says, "Continue" and walked out. We were still fucking while she was in the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 382

You deserved it 2 172

By theothercassie - 10/02/2011 14:55

Today, I reported in for my first day at work. When I walked in they asked "Who are you?" I answered "Cassie, it's my first day today" with a huge smile. They'd meant to call and offer the job to the other Cassie they interviewed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 583

You deserved it 2 622

Broken dreams

By dreamteam - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was having a very realistic dream about a hot guy. Just as he was leaning in to ravish me, I was rudely awakened by the sound of my husband farting and snorting at the same time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 934

You deserved it 12 691

By Anonymous - 10/02/2015 14:51 - United Kingdom - Cambridge

Spicy

Today, a cute girl was telling me about her weird fetishes. I jokingly said, "Remind me never to have sex with you". She replied, "Don't worry, I have standards". FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 515

You deserved it 20 948

By rara1989 - 13/12/2011 12:15 - United Kingdom

Today, I called in sick at work because I have the flu. This is my first sick day in the 2 years I've worked there. It's also the day the CEO made a surprise visit. My co-workers all got generous salary increases, and some of them promotions. I'm not included, simply because I wasn't there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 558

You deserved it 3 861

rara1989 tells us more.

rara1989 5

Tuesday 13 December 2011 22:01

oh hey, that was my FML. I made an account just so i could say this to you... I wasn't faking being ill to go xmas shopping ta. I got my shopping out the way back in Nov! (no sick day!) I've got the flu bad, worse day to get ill!. I'm going into work tomorrow though despite how horrible I feel so I can speak to my boss about it!. Sucks to be me right now!

By 5minsolder - 08/02/2011 01:21 - United States

Today, I found out that even though my sister and I are identical twins, I'm known as "The ugly one". FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 402

You deserved it 3 642

Big Muff Fuzz

By Fartagirl - 15/10/2021 05:00

Today, I was using the restroom at school. What I thought was going to be just peeing turned into a humongous fart that echoed in the toilet bowl. Already embarrassed, I opened the door to leave. Two girls, who obviously heard, were giggling and saying, “It’s always the fat bitches.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 289

You deserved it 208

Rude boy

By Anonymous - 08/02/2015 19:16

Today, while shopping with my 6-year-old daughter, she said, "Mommy, remember you wanna get duck tape!" A middle-aged guy nearby scoffed and told her, "DUCT, not DUCK. Dumb cunt." I ended up having to drive my bawling daughter home, with no shopping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 635

You deserved it 3 770

By dating a fking cnt - 10/11/2012 00:16 - Canada

Today, I got my wisdom teeth removed. My girlfriend had agreed to come over after and make sure I was okay, so I called her, saying I was done. She told me she'd made new plans, and to "just suck on a tampon, you pussy". FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 783

You deserved it 3 323

By barf - 06/02/2015 23:00 - Ireland

Today, I experienced the horror of walking in on my best friend fondling his tits. Yes, "his". FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 838

You deserved it 3 281

Do you remember the first time?

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was with my boyfriend and we were talking about childhood memories. He told me about a girl he used to make fun of in middle school. That was me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 387

You deserved it 4 149

Guilty

By jamienicole1993 - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Savannah

Today, I woke up to a broken car window and a text from my ex that read, "Before you ask me, the answer is yes." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 945

You deserved it 3 342

Freak out

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Eagle Point

Today, my weird neighbor is a conspiracy theorist and thinks the government is trying to kill him. Someone thought it would be funny to shine a red laser light through his window. I was on the stairs when he ran past, screaming bloody murder, sending me down a flight of steps. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 463

You deserved it 3 622

By Anonymous - 04/11/2012 18:14 - Norway - Oslo

Today, my deranged wife somehow became convinced that vampires actually exist. She's now walking around with garlic powder caked into her clothing. I can't get the smell out of my nostrils. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 811

You deserved it 2 381

By wayne - 07/12/2011 10:28 - New Zealand

Today, I overcame my fear of swimming in lakes and went for a swim. I got bitten by an eel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 726

You deserved it 3 559

By Anonymous - 31/01/2015 05:38 - United States - Brenham

Today, I got married. My grandpa took me aside afterwards and said that the moment the ceremony was over, he heard my wife's vagina slam shut. "Welcome to marriage, sucker," he chuckled, "It's just you and Rosy Palm now!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 345

You deserved it 3 262

Scoville scale

By firefire - 30/07/2020 08:01

Today, since my husband has been volunteering to do more of the cooking, I was happy and relieved to have help, until every meal he made had an ungodly amount of spices in it. I overheard him on the phone, saying he’s been purposely making my food inedibly hot so that I’ll eat less and lose weight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 002

You deserved it 312

Unlucky for some

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I went to a big family dinner. I didn't realize I hadn't been invited until we were about to sit down to eat. There were 12 chairs, 12 plates, 12 forks, and 12 glasses. I was the 13th person to arrive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 555

You deserved it 2 807

By Sam - 01/02/2010 05:45 - United States

Today, my friend was showing me pictures of her and her family. I told her to stop at one of the pictures. I started laughing my back off and said that she looked grotesque. She asked me if I was serious, I swore that I was. It was actually a picture of her sister, who died 1 year ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 434

You deserved it 52 352

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The Top

The Top

Today, I heard on a local radio a song I wrote almost 2 years ago. Apparently, after my family and I moved away, my former band found a new guitar player, and that song is now the first single of their debut LP. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 206

You deserved it 4 102

Today, after my bank sent me a new card because the old one had been compromised, I woke up to find that it's already been used to start an Amazon Prime account and order several movies. The card to replace a compromised card has been compromised. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 130

You deserved it 267

Today, I got bitched out by some lady in a Walmart because I looked at her funny while she was on the phone, loudly bragging about "slapping the shit out of" her kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 680

You deserved it 214

Today, I picked up my driver's licence and my keys off the floor at the same time, using only my toes. This was the highlight of my day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 857

You deserved it 6 214

Today, I heard from multiple people that my girlfriend called me a dumbass because I apparently sent her "Good Morning" twice. We aren't even three full days into the relationship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 549

You deserved it 1 547

Today, I learned that the respondents on the Suicide Hotline recognize me, and not fondly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 904

You deserved it 226