Work: Today, I tried to power through work on a construction site after...

By Anonymous - 15/04/2016 17:06 - United States

Today, I tried to power through work on a construction site after a couple of sick days. I can't do anything without constantly sucking on cough drops. And it turns out that excessive consumption of cough drops can have a laxative effect. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 720

You deserved it 1 996

Work

Another great day to be alive

Empathy lives

But there's panic on the streets of Carlisle

XXL

By Anonymous - 07/08/2020 23:01

Today, after losing 20 pounds, I decided to purchase new clothes. All of the clothes at the store were still too small for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 258

You deserved it 227

By x0SoReckless0x - 16/11/2009 11:39 - United States

Today, some obnoxious guys started calling me ugly. I tried to ignore them and be the bigger person. That's pretty hard to do when they start throwing rocks at you. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 273

You deserved it 3 450

Get out

By wtf - 14/03/2011 04:07

Today, I came back to my boyfriend's house where I've been staying to find all my things thrown outside, ruined, including my entire CD collection, textbooks and clothes cut up. All because I had left my phone there and had got a text from a guy saying, "Hi, how have you been?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 444

You deserved it 8 942

By Sarah - 21/02/2016 00:13 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boss mistakenly drunk texted me and was talking shit about me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 738

You deserved it 1 713

By deven - 29/08/2009 22:58 - United States

Today, I saw a fight so I went over to try and break it up. Someone thought I wanted to join in, so he gave me an unexpected whap in the happy sacks, and I also got a bloody nose for my troubles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 708

You deserved it 44 721

By KHAAAAA-RMA!! - 10/05/2014 21:32 - United States

Today, I found a bird that had fallen from its nest, so I made a new nest for it in a shoebox and put it as close to the old one as possible. When I checked back on it later, all I found was a chewed-up corpse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 787

You deserved it 6 177

By Anonymous - 12/09/2011 08:43 - United States

Today, my 23 year old boyfriend of 2 years was forced to dump me, over the phone, by his mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 117

You deserved it 3 232

By Anonymous - 19/05/2013 04:16 - United States - Great Falls

Today, I lent a pair of expensive headphones to a "friend" for the weekend. As a thank-you, he bought me a soda. He moved this weekend, taking the headphones with him. I lost a $250 pair of headphones for a $1 soda. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 128

You deserved it 21 353

By TheNerd - 12/05/2011 02:01 - United States

Today, I was riding my long board. A few feet from me an attractive girl was riding one too, in the same direction. We made eye contact right as I slammed into a light pole. She then fell because she was laughing so hard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 497

You deserved it 9 773

End me

By Daniel_rules - 17/04/2009 17:02 - United States

Today, my friend was pulled over and told to get out of the car. The officer motioned for me to get out of the car too so I reached behind me to get my shoes. He then pointed his gun at my face and frantically asked my friend if I had a gun. My friend calmly replied "No, but shoot him anyway." FML

I agree, your life sucks 79 833

You deserved it 10 049

By Oily - 16/12/2011 09:08 - New Zealand

Today, my 7-year-old daughter came up to me in a noisy mall and said "boo-boo" pointing to her hand. Not paying enough attention, I kissed her hand to make her feel better. She grimaced and said "No dad, bird poo." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 174

You deserved it 14 398

By ShellShocked - 30/03/2013 04:06 - United States

Today, I turned 18. My parents got me a pineapple and a pair of socks. I'm allergic to pineapple, and the socks are too small. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 745

You deserved it 3 053

By JefferyT - 03/06/2011 05:16 - United States

Today, I was taken to my first session with my psychiatrist. The entirety of the facility, from the waiting room to the doc's office was decorated with dead butterflies in glass. I was there for my crippling mottephobia, the irrational fear of moths and butterflies. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 778

You deserved it 4 540

By levi Glasscock - 15/04/2011 13:52 - United States

Today, my mom called me and said, "I made your sister laugh so hard she peed her pants." I got home and noticed she also peed on my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 061

You deserved it 2 964

Butt-dial

By I'm a recurring amateur porn consumer but this is bollocks. - 21/09/2021 23:00

Today, my father sent me a video via Whatsapp. In it, he was cheating on my mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 159

You deserved it 55

By FitnessFirst - 25/11/2015 00:38 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I painfully watched my doctor burn a hole in my nail to drain the blood underneath. This is the prescribed treatment for the injury of hammering your thumb. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 094

You deserved it 3 258

Great customer service, thanks!

By Eli Maldonado - 29/05/2021 17:01

Today, I called customer service for my phone. We talked for a while and the man was very nice to me. Too nice. Right before hanging up, he said, “Have a good day ma’am!” He was flirting the whole time and I didn’t realize it, and he didn’t that I’m a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 805

You deserved it 132

By idiot says pussy - 21/01/2014 17:43 - United States

Today, I visited my girlfriend at her place, one thing lead to another, and we had sex for the first time. Her normally very sweet cat now hisses and savages me if I so much as look at him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 284

You deserved it 7 914

By JustLeaveThem - 25/01/2017 18:00

Today, I was reaching into the floor vent in my toddler's room to retrieve some toys she'd dropped. What I found instead was a clump of large dead spiders. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 657

You deserved it 268

By juvenile friends suck - 10/01/2013 20:52 - Germany - Tangstedt

Today, I was in the elevator, when a big bearded guy stepped in, wearing a dress. It's not an uncommon sight where I live, but my friend cracked up and asked him if he was wearing underwear. He took it as a challenge, and I can safely say that no, he was not. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 004

You deserved it 6 748

By ontherun2012 - 14/02/2012 04:22 - United States

Today, I finally received my passport. Too bad my flight to Italy left last week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 976

You deserved it 7 850

By maddengirl12 - 20/02/2014 08:57 - United States

Today, my mom and I flew three hours from Wyoming to a volleyball camp in Kentucky. When we arrived, we went to the volleyball center and told them I was there for the volleyball camp. They told me it had been cancelled two weeks ago and they forgot to call us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 397

You deserved it 3 965

By Anonymous - 14/11/2013 10:57 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, while chatting to my mother, I tried to show her a funny website by pasting the URL into a message. After I sent the message, I realised that my browser hadn't copied the URL I wanted to send her, and that I'd actually pasted the previous URL I copied. It was porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 576

You deserved it 47 304

No justice

By Anonymous - 04/10/2020 20:01 - Germany - Hörth

Today, my ex-boss still owes me almost 900€. I just paid another 150€ to have a lawyer tell me that, yes, the law is clearly on my side but no, I will most likely not win in court because I don't have hard proof. I just paid money to be told I won't be getting the money I'm owed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 231

You deserved it 123

By Schrewt - 24/01/2010 08:50 - France

Today, my friends and I went camping. In the middle of the night, they carried me deep into the forest and left me there. I stepped on a beehive as I walked back to the tent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 557

You deserved it 3 150

By the-yao - 24/01/2009 14:53 - United States

Today, someone told me they liked my personality when I'm drunk. I asked, "What about when I'm sober?". "No, only when you're drinking." FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 842

You deserved it 3 781

By blububble412 - 22/01/2015 03:46 - United States - Sierra Vista

Today, we had a drug search at school. After the search, we went back inside. My bag was open, and my lunch was gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 954

You deserved it 2 449

Never engage with psychos

By Foxy17 - 16/08/2020 20:01

Today, in a convenience store, I asked a girl who wasn't wearing her mask and not keeping her distance to step away. After telling me to fuck off, she put her mask on, went to the teenage manager and said I was harassing her. Even after hearing my side of the story, I was asked to leave. Turns out it was his girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 740

You deserved it 308

By sadsadperson - 07/09/2011 08:51 - Australia

Today, I lied to my diary about getting laid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 831

You deserved it 30 760

By misc - 20/11/2010 10:40 - Australia

Today, my brand new iPhone 4 was stolen from my bag. I asked the bartender if anyone had handed it in. I soon found out that while I was talking to her, someone swiped my wallet from the bag too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 661

You deserved it 8 284

By yoyyo - 07/11/2016 06:29 - United States - Manhattan

Today, I accidentally sliced open my crush's hand at work while we were messing around on break. A month ago, I broke his brother's finger playing dodgeball. No wonder I'm still single; he must think I'm out to get his family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 047

You deserved it 1 304

Bad timing

By J…… - 12/05/2020 17:00

Today, as I was talking to my girlfriend about how I need to find another job to be able to afford school next fall, I hit a deer causing about $3,000 in damages to my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 417

You deserved it 427

By anonymous - 31/03/2015 16:47 - United States - Denver

Today, I was fired from job as a personal trainer. Why? Because I was working out with a friend while off-duty. Apparently, working out with a friend on a day off means I am training them under the table. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 778

You deserved it 2 705

By Anonymous - 07/06/2015 04:21 - New Zealand - Tauranga

Today, I lost my virginity. He then told me, in tears, how bad he felt about leaving his dog alone for the night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 141

You deserved it 3 375

By limegreengiraffe - 01/11/2014 14:06 - United States - Lubbock

Today, my boyfriend and I went shopping for an engagement ring. We ended up breaking up in the process. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 376

You deserved it 7 265

Kids and their wacky crazes

By tclwj - 06/09/2020 23:01 - Trinidad and Tobago - Port-of-spain

Today, I bought a used SUV that had fairly dirty carpets, that got even more dirty as I drove my 2 daughters around. I got it professionally cleaned and detailed and it looks brand new, but now my daughters cry and scream as I put them in the clean car, because their favorite stain is not there anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 474

You deserved it 188

By Kirby - 07/11/2011 04:50 - United States

Today, as I was walking back to my dorm, I looked down and thought "I wonder why the ground is wet in just this one spot." Then I got hit with a water balloon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 725

You deserved it 4 394

By Anonymous - 04/11/2010 06:41 - United States

Today, I called a guy who had requested a free marketing consultation for his funeral home through the internet a couple of days ago. When I got through, the receptionist seemed a little taken back by me wanting to talk to him. He had died and was buried yesterday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 434

You deserved it 2 626

By Anonymous - 03/08/2009 06:06 - United States

Today, I went to a wedding with my family. While the maid of honor was giving her non-heartfelt, three sentence speech, my mom and I started talking about how lame her speech was. When I turned around to look at my mom, I saw the camera recording the speech behind her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 983

You deserved it 45 823

By itscalledaphonecontractretards - 09/08/2016 17:54 - United States

Today, I'm so broke, I resorted to breaking into my old apartment complex to do my laundry in the basement for free. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 508

You deserved it 1 743

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Top comments

Steve95401 49

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Saturday 16 April 2016 2:05

I hope you're near the Porta Pottie during the work day.

bella_nana347 23

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Saturday 16 April 2016 2:17

Shit man. I hope you don't fall behind from taking so many breaks.

Steve95401 49

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Saturday 16 April 2016 2:05

I hope you're near the Porta Pottie during the work day.

doubledee8 16

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Saturday 16 April 2016 2:06

Not to be that guy but, that sounds pretty shitty

doraquiexplore 13

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Saturday 16 April 2016 2:08

Never be that guy

hardcorefan16 22

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Saturday 16 April 2016 2:09

Wow I actually didn't know cough drops did that. You learn something new everyday.

MikaykayUnicorn 36

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Saturday 16 April 2016 3:05

This sounds like a Today I fucked up I read about someone consuming too many mints and it having the same effect. Pretty odd.

brezzyanna 17

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Saturday 16 April 2016 4:28

I'm not completely sure, but I think it's only sugar free cough drops that do that. I read it somewhere.

christge1beast 17

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Saturday 16 April 2016 6:14

If they were honey coated or made with honey, that could be why. Honey in large quantities acts as a laxative.

littlekellilee 45

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Saturday 16 April 2016 9:37

This is so good to know! *goes out and buys as many mints, cough drops, and honey as I can find* What? I've uh... I'm having a really bad week.

fuckpotato 12

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Saturday 16 April 2016 12:46

#35... What?

littlekellilee 45

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Saturday 16 April 2016 17:39

1) joke. 2) Why would I be excited to learn about a laxative when I'm having a really bad week? Probably extreme constipation! Sorry the joke wasn't obvious enough for you. I'll stick to knock knocks in the future to not confuse you.

theblondeone 16

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Saturday 16 April 2016 20:52

If I remember correctly, it's due to the artificial sweetener sorbitol. Human digestive systems don't tolerate it well.

Taolan 23

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Monday 18 April 2016 15:01

"sugar free" candies aren't actually sugar free, they just use sugars that our body can't process such as certain alcohol sugars. These collect in your lower digestive tract and once they hit a certain concentration, boom. Poop time.

gosh_mate 30

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Saturday 16 April 2016 2:10

That sounds terrible, but it does have a warning on the packet if you read it ...

MadJessTic 29

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Saturday 16 April 2016 2:46

Who the hell reads the fine print on the back of a pack of cough drops??

Dale_shackleford 13

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Saturday 16 April 2016 5:46

The same people who read the terms and conditions.

TheMathMajor 26

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Saturday 16 April 2016 6:12

Cough drops are medicated. Like any other medicine, you should definitely read the package before you take any. It tells you on the bag not to exceed a certain amount of drops per day.

MikaykayUnicorn 36

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Thursday 21 April 2016 11:33

#28, so I definitely shouldn't eat an entire bag of cherry cough drops because they taste good? Fuck.

bella_nana347 23

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Saturday 16 April 2016 2:17

Shit man. I hope you don't fall behind from taking so many breaks.

SecundusSecunda 27

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Saturday 16 April 2016 3:03

Sounds like his behind is already falling off, though

Muhubi 9

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Saturday 16 April 2016 2:37

Anything that is sugar free (like cough drops) can have this effect. Sugar free products like gum and stuff use xylitol as a sweetener, which in excess quantities can act as a laxative