Work: Today, I tried to power through work on a construction site after...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I tried to power through work on a construction site after a couple of sick days. I can't do anything without constantly sucking on cough drops. And it turns out that excessive consumption of cough drops can have a laxative effect. FML

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Work

So you had a bad day…

Not a good look

Supply and demand

By Anonymous

Today, my cat got his head stuck in the handle of a plastic bag while snooping. Unfortunately, it was the bag I use to put his turds in after scooping them from the litter tray. With the bag trapped around his neck, he got spooked, then ran around the house, spreading turds from the bag as he fled. FML

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By Ferniferousfern

Today, I sat down to use the bathroom after a long day of work. My toilet, however, had other plans, as a spontaneous, ear shattering crack flooded the entire bathroom, soaking the outer carpet and shorting out my bathroom scale. FML

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1866

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By Mudge - United States - San Francisco

Today, my friend said that his dad told him we couldn't hang out anymore, he thinks I'm a bad influence because I don't have all 90's in my classes. The only reason he knows I have below a 90 is because he's my geography teacher. I have an 87. FML

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By uuuuugh - United States

Today, I actually had to have a discussion with my boyfriend about why he should shower more than once a week. FML

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37048

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By Sios - United States - Louisville

Today, I found out that my apartment complex has no rules against having charcoal grills on the porch. So did the guy who lives below me. FML

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By beyondembarrassed - United States

Today, I tried to show my boyfriend's mom a picture of my prom dress on my phone. She scrolled to the right to find a picture of her son, naked. FML

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By neverakid - United States

Today, I surprised my daughter by telling her that I'm going to treat the family to a trip to the Himalayas in a few months. She promptly threw a tantrum and listed her main reasons for not wanting us to go: "It's a freaking desert there," and, "I'll miss the new Spiderman movie." FML

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By Offended - United States

Today, in school my shoulder was killing me from a softball injury. I went to the nurse's office and asked "Can I have some ice?" They responded with "Why, what happened to your face?" FML

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By wowimdumb - United States

Today, I was at a power lifting meet when a girl I really liked walked in. Trying to impress her, I increased my bench to 350, when I have only done 300 before. She then watched me drop it on my chest, breaking my breast bone, and also crying in the process. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Naperville

Today, after careful consideration, I told my wife I really want to have kids. She laughed, until she finally realized I was serious, at which point she flicked me in the balls and said, "Problem solved." FML

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By crystalwho - United States

Today, I went downstairs to grab a snack and a glass of Silk (you know, the soymilk). When I get back to my room, I go to throw the snack on my bed to shut the door, but I tossed with the wrong hand. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/4/2020 14:00

How to make a sociopath

Today, I went to my job as an aide for first-grade students. I went home with a swollen face after my student punched me because I was, "making the timer go too fast" and he wanted more iPad time. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I decided I'd take a nap in my car because I got to work very early. As I was waking up from my nap, I saw a cop looking right at me. Turns out, a lady who'd parked her car right next to mine after I was asleep had called the cops on me because she thought I was dead. FML

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32416

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By Gilly

Today, my kid felt bad that our cat didn't get an Easter egg hunt at Easter so he has hidden sardines around the house for her to find. The house reeks and I don't know how many are left to find. FML

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By Anonymous - Argentina - Lanus

Today, I was showing my step-dad old photos of the family. We got to a picture of me and I mentioned how much weight I've lost. He muttered, "Heh, fat AND blind". FML

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21316

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend was complaining of a scorpion sting on his leg. I told him to stop whining and get over it. Later, as I went to sleep, I felt a sharp pain in my arm. As I flipped on the light, I saw a scorpion crawling over the blankets. Now my entire arm is numb and I can't stop crying. FML

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By tan disaster - United States

Today, I went to get my spray tan before my semi-formal. After I applied lotion to the bottom of my feet as instructed, I went in the booth and began to start the tanning session. I lost my balance and fell right as the machine began to spray. I look like a spotted cheetah. FML

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18468

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By J.O.S - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I was stabbed in the chest. Not with a knife though, the under-wire from my bra escaped and stabbed me in the boob. FML

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27508

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By wet - United States

Today, the toilet on the top floor of my house burst, soaked the bathroom, and water dripped down into the kitchen and the basement for hours when nobody was home. Eight blowers and a dehumidifier later, the house is about 90 degrees and I can't leave. FML

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By adriana - United States

Today, I went to the bank to deposit the cash I made waiting tables. While the teller was counting, I apologized for having so many small bills and she said "It's OK honey, I helped another one of your kind just the other day. You're lucky we take your dirty money." She thought I was a stripper. FML

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By BadBribe - United States

Today, my girlfriend decided to bribe me to be good since we were going out to dinner with her parents by giving me blowjob. The good news: it was one of the best she had ever given. The bad news: I came on her black dress. She responded by hitting in me in the nuts. Hard. FML

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52952

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By bitchypast - United States - Rockland

Today, is the blizzard. I have to go into work, my boss threatened to fire me if I didn't show up. I sent him a picture of the snow completely covering my car. He said I moved the snow there and could move it back. FML

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30292

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By Danny - Australia

Today, my mother came home from the grocery store with a 20kg bag of carrots, and nothing else. She then informed me that, for as long as my girlfriend and I keep 'going at it like rabbits', she would be feeding me like one. FML

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By trauma is hilarious - 31/10/2020 17:59 - United States

CPTSD

Today, I was telling my new boyfriend some of my funny family stories. He gave me the most concerned look and asked honestly, “Have you ever thought about going to therapy?” Apparently the stories I told him not only weren’t funny, but pretty damn scary to him. Now he thinks I’m crazy. FML

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By tb351 - United States

Today, I asked my kids if I looked good before going to work. Smiling, they told me I looked wonderful. It wasn't until I got to work and looked into the mirror until I noticed my left eyebrow was gone. FML

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By OhNo - United States - Castlewood

Today, despite the fact of being together two years, and having a daughter, my fiancée still refuses to tell her parents about us. We're getting married in six months. FML

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By pissed off - United States - Brentwood

Today, I was taking a piss, when a mosquito came out of nowhere and headed straight for my dick. In my startled attempt to ward it away, I pissed all over everything, including myself. FML

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By spermbankonlegs - United States

Today, my girlfriend of three days asked if we could start naming our future children. FML

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36526

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By DarkDolly - France

Today, at around 2am, I was walking through a parking lot to my car when a man walking behind me told me not to be scared. I turned around to tell him there was no problem. He was naked. FML

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36919

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By spongebob squarepants

Today, I rear-ended someone while trying to watch my odometer hit 80,000 miles. FML

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1557

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the only way I can get my boyfriend to do anything is by telling him it's a turn on. FML

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31830

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By Sheggie - Australia

Today, I found a wallet belonging to some guy, it had $355 inside. Because he had his address written inside, I decided to return it hoping for a reward. I drove for 40 mins and finally got to his house during peak hour. All he did was say "oh cool". FML

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By Anonymous - 16/5/2020 23:00

Zoomed out

Today, I had a low blood sugar attack and almost passed out during class while over Zoom, which my professor then decided to bring attention to by calling me out for "sighing" about the research paper. FML

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1497

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By Anonymous

Impossible

Today, I ran into an old high school friend while out with my husband. When she inquired who I was married to, I pointed to my husband, who was looking at shirts. She laughed and said, "No really?", insinuating that I couldn't get anyone that good looking. FML

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40092

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By Anonymous

Today, I was rear-ended while heading to my appointment with my physiotherapist. This is the physiotherapist I am seeing to treat the pinched disc I got from being rear-ended 6 months ago. FML

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6287

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By day001313 - United States - Albany

Today, I was house-sitting for some friends of my grandparents while they are out of town. While I was in the shower, the dog decided to take my dirty underwear and run. There is now a pair of lacy, black underwear hidden somewhere this giant house, and they return tomorrow. FML

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By evilwater - United States

Today, I was at a fancy restaurant when I knocked my glass of ice water over. In my attempt to clean it up with a napkin, I knocked a freshly filled cup of coffee all over myself. FML

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28497

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By juliannamelissa - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I wanted to take a bubble bath with the jets in the bath that I haven't used in years. When I got in, it took me a while to realize that the jets had squirted out slime and a family of unidentifiable bugs that have probably been living there for years. FML

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27106

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By arrestedgun - Canada

Today, I went to a dollar store with a couple friends to buy cap guns to play with. We were having a lot of fun with them, and took them onto a bus. 5 minutes later, three cops got on, handcuffed us, and sternly talked to us about the dangers of guns. We got arrested for toy guns. We are 17. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/3/2020 12:30

Oversharing

Today, my 10-year-old son told me that sometimes he wishes that he could be a girl, so that he could masturbate more easily in public. FML

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Top comments

By Steve95401 | 49

#6581085 - Saturday 16 April 2016 2:05

I hope you're near the Porta Pottie during the work day.

By bella_nana347 | 23

#6581099 - Saturday 16 April 2016 2:17

Shit man. I hope you don't fall behind from taking so many breaks.

COMMENTS

By Steve95401 | 49

#6581085 - Saturday 16 April 2016 2:05

I hope you're near the Porta Pottie during the work day.

By doubledee8 | 16

#6581086 - Saturday 16 April 2016 2:06

Not to be that guy but, that sounds pretty shitty

doraquiexplore | 13

#6581090 - Saturday 16 April 2016 2:08

Never be that guy

By hardcorefan16 | 22

#6581091 - Saturday 16 April 2016 2:09

Wow I actually didn't know cough drops did that. You learn something new everyday.

MikaykayUnicorn | 36

#6581121 - Saturday 16 April 2016 3:05

This sounds like a Today I fucked up I read about someone consuming too many mints and it having the same effect. Pretty odd.

brezzyanna | 17

#6581156 - Saturday 16 April 2016 4:28

I'm not completely sure, but I think it's only sugar free cough drops that do that. I read it somewhere.

christge1beast | 17

#6581211 - Saturday 16 April 2016 6:14

If they were honey coated or made with honey, that could be why. Honey in large quantities acts as a laxative.

littlekellilee | 45

#6581304 - Saturday 16 April 2016 9:37

This is so good to know! *goes out and buys as many mints, cough drops, and honey as I can find*

What? I've uh... I'm having a really bad week.

fuckpotato | 12

#6581376 - Saturday 16 April 2016 12:46

#35... What?

littlekellilee | 45

#6581546 - Saturday 16 April 2016 17:39

1) joke.
2) Why would I be excited to learn about a laxative when I'm having a really bad week? Probably extreme constipation!
Sorry the joke wasn't obvious enough for you. I'll stick to knock knocks in the future to not confuse you.

theblondeone | 16

#6581697 - Saturday 16 April 2016 20:52

If I remember correctly, it's due to the artificial sweetener sorbitol. Human digestive systems don't tolerate it well.

Taolan | 23

#6582881 - Monday 18 April 2016 15:01

"sugar free" candies aren't actually sugar free, they just use sugars that our body can't process such as certain alcohol sugars.

These collect in your lower digestive tract and once they hit a certain concentration, boom. Poop time.

By gosh_mate | 30

#6581093 - Saturday 16 April 2016 2:10

That sounds terrible, but it does have a warning on the packet if you read it ...

MadJessTic | 29

#6581114 - Saturday 16 April 2016 2:46

Who the hell reads the fine print on the back of a pack of cough drops??

Dale_shackleford | 13

#6581197 - Saturday 16 April 2016 5:46

The same people who read the terms and conditions.

TheMathMajor | 26

#6581209 - Saturday 16 April 2016 6:12

Cough drops are medicated. Like any other medicine, you should definitely read the package before you take any. It tells you on the bag not to exceed a certain amount of drops per day.

MikaykayUnicorn | 36

#6585148 - Thursday 21 April 2016 11:33

#28, so I definitely shouldn't eat an entire bag of cherry cough drops because they taste good? Fuck.

By bella_nana347 | 23

#6581099 - Saturday 16 April 2016 2:17

Shit man. I hope you don't fall behind from taking so many breaks.

SecundusSecunda | 27

#6581119 - Saturday 16 April 2016 3:03

Sounds like his behind is already falling off, though

By Muhubi | 9

#6581109 - Saturday 16 April 2016 2:37

Anything that is sugar free (like cough drops) can have this effect. Sugar free products like gum and stuff use xylitol as a sweetener, which in excess quantities can act as a laxative