Today, I tried to power through work on a construction site after...

By Anonymous - 15/4/2016 17:06 - United States

Today, I tried to power through work on a construction site after a couple of sick days. I can't do anything without constantly sucking on cough drops. And it turns out that excessive consumption of cough drops can have a laxative effect. FML

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Work

Creepy

Time for the ER

The cheek of some people

By Youdontneed2knowmyname - 5/2/2011 05:29 - United States

Today, I was so bored I began practicing an irish jig. For two hours. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/4/2013 15:34 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was going down on me. Just as I was about to orgasm, he pulled away and said that my vagina is like a mask and that he feels like Bane from Batman. He's been talking in a Bane voice to my vagina for 30 minutes now. I guess sex is over. FML

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By Zaak - 25/3/2018 06:00

Ouch.

Today, my neighbor, whom I've had a massive crush on but barely know, actually started flirting with me. Long story short, it ended with him getting a blowjob. I said, "We should make this a thing." He replied, "Yeah, a one-time thing." FML

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By Anonymous - 27/8/2020 10:02 - Australia - Murarrie

Kids will be kids

Today, my son accidentally damaged another kid in the face with a baseball bat, while blindfolded trying to hit a piñata. Except there was no piñata, or blindfold. FML

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By no action Jackson - 27/9/2020 20:02 - United States - Hesperia

What a wanker

Today, I walked in on my husband masturbating. I thought it was hot and asked if I could join in. He threw me a disgusted look and screamed that I’d ruined the whole mood. Now we’re both unsatisfied. FML

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By Heethersays - 3/7/2009 03:06 - United States

Today, I went to the gym to lift weights because my arm muscles are pathetic. In order to use a machine, I needed to pull out a knob to adjust the seat setting. After an embarassing struggle, a worker came over and helped me. Turns out I'm not even strong enough to adjust the seat settings. FML

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By vela9002 - 6/4/2009 07:40 - United States

Today, on my flight to Vegas, I was wishing that a really cute guy would come sit in the seat next to mine. A few minutes later, a really cute guy sat in the seat next to me and even started to talk to me. When I said, "I like rugged men." he said "Oh ya, me too! I really like buff guys also." FML

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By babymomma - 14/9/2009 14:13 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me. Why? Our one month old's hair is growing in blonde, and we both have dark hair. Did I cheat? No. I had blonde hair as a child until I was 4... As did every one else born in my family. I guess this factor doesn't count when you're paranoid. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/4/2009 13:25 - United States

Today, I parked downtown for a few minutes to pick up a pizza. As I was getting out of my car, a sketchy guy came up and asked me for $5. I told him to get lost and walked away. I walked back to the lot with my pizza and my car was gone. The sketchy guy was a parking attendent. He had my car towed. FML

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By linda - 22/11/2010 21:14 - United States

Today, I went to get my hair highlighted at the salon. The salonist mixed up my blonde hair dye with some other girl's hot pink and violet dye. Now I look like a cheap hooker. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/3/2016 04:46 - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, my girlfriend accused me of cheating after she read some of my messages I sent to an old female friend. Apparently I'm very flirty with her. I showed her the same kind of messages that I sent to my guy friends as well. Now I'm apparently gay and cheating. FML

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By ouch - 28/4/2012 06:54 - United States - Fullerton

Today, I was with a friend at the mall and I made eye contact and smiled at the worker at a smoothie stand that I went on a date with last year. He saw me, and then ducked down behind the register, where he remained while his coworker awkwardly leaned over him to take my order and money. FML

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By Jumja - 15/1/2010 11:37 - Netherlands

Today, I found out my boyfriends' mother has invented a new kind of cake and named it after me: not because it's delicious, but because of the amount of fat in it. FML

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By farts - 22/11/2018 17:30

Today, my brother who routinely marred my life by stealing from me, fighting me, and isolating me from my own family, made his hollow AA apology to me so he'll feel better. My parents employ him, bought his car and house, and pay his insurance. I've been in poverty. FML

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By inalotofpain - 16/4/2011 12:46 - United States

Today, while relaxing in the kitchen drinking coffee, my dad suddenly rushed in, knocking me over and causing me to spill boiling hot coffee all over myself. Then, my dad thought it would be a good idea to grab the sprayer from the sink and douse me with cold water in order to "put me out." FML

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By It burns down there - 11/12/2018 17:30

Today, I used a new fragrance-free hypoallergenic laundry detergent for my underwear, as I have sensitive skin. I got a rash. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/9/2019 16:00

Venus in Furs

Today, my boyfriend asked my dad why he gave me the nickname "Bear," which he has called me since I was very little. My dad responded, "Because she has a hairy back." FML

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By ashbeat - 1/1/2013 15:20 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I can hear my flatmate masturbating loudly and asking himself if he likes it. And replying. FML

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By Moondoggie_ggk69 - 23/1/2010 17:53 - United States

Today, I was washing my hair in the shower when the water went ice cold. It's 20 degrees outside and we have soft water which takes a longer time to wash away soap. FML

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By ssenmodnaR - 27/7/2016 16:30

Today, I learned that I'm in that special kind of relationship where my ex thinks we're still married, no matter how many times I tell him that we were divorced over a year ago. FML

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By anna - 22/12/2011 21:25 - France

Today, while waiting for my train, I was listening to a voicemail message on my phone. Out of nowhere, a stranger came up to me from behind and screamed "DELETE!" into my ear. His voice command deleted my message. FML

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By nootnoot - 10/5/2016 06:33 - New Zealand - Tauranga

Today, some people in my class here in New Zealand found out that I'm from Canada, then spent the rest of the period asking if I had a pet moose and whether or not I lived in an igloo. They were completely genuine questions. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/11/2013 01:46 - United States - Blythe

Today, a woman accused me of bullying her son, and said that she is going to get me fired. Her son is a 27-year-old teacher at my school, whom I disciplined for showing up drunk. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/4/2012 06:27 - United States

Today, I poured my heart out to my girlfriend of two years expressing my feelings for her. She responded with, "I'm going to bed." FML

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By Typrokka - 22/10/2009 17:20 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to drop the garbage in the compactor as I left to do some shopping. I quickly put my handbag down on the side, threw the 'garbage' in the machine, watched it do its thing, and then turned round to find... the bag of garbage on the side. FML

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By sarajj - 29/3/2013 21:36 - United States - Littleton

Today, I felt frisky, so I went over to my boyfriend's place, hoping to have some fun. I brought over a movie, and part-way through it, I started feeling him up. He responded by sighing, "That's really fucking annoying, babe. Cut it out, yeah?" FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2009 04:24 - United States

Today, I was having an after work-out dinner with my ex-girlfriend and we were having a great time, catching up, eating good food, all the good things. Then when I got home, I realized I just talked to my ex-girlfriend for an hour and a half about how much better her new boyfriend is than me. FML

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By Me - 20/12/2016 01:40 - United States - Canyon Lake

Today, while reading out loud in front of my entire class and teacher, I learned that I can't pronounce the word 'success'. It came out as 'sex', and when I tried to correct myself more slowly (multiple times), it came out 'sexsex'. FML

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By mild banana - 16/6/2016 16:55 - United States - Cedar Hill

Today, I was kicking my soccer ball with my father. My mom pulled out in the car without checking and ran into to me. FML

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By fuck gangnam style in the anus - 20/10/2012 22:48 - United States - Stevenson Ranch

Today, I purchased a brand new television. Not long after the professional who hung it on my wall left, it came crashing down on my hardwood floor. I'm now left with a busted TV, a tear in my living room wall, and a severely drained bank account. FML

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By idiot - 19/11/2016 06:48 - United States - Wausau

Today, while I was reading on my tablet, my dog wanted to be let outside, so I set down the tablet and let her outside. I returned to the living room to continue reading when I heard a crunch. The tablet had fallen to the floor and I'd stepped on it. FML

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By Noname - 19/2/2009 21:47 - United States

Today, I went bowling with my mom and she paid for 2 games. By the 6th frame of game 1 she was bored and to get her money back for both games she told the employees I shit my pants. I'm 17. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/1/2016 17:11 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, my girlfriend told me she loved me for the first time. Unfortunately, it was her way of saying that she didn't want to lose me after cheating on me yesterday. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/5/2013 21:44 - United Kingdom - Liverpool

Today, my neighbours' whiny emo of a daughter got dumped by her boyfriend. In her infinite wisdom, she's chosen to cope by playing on her recorder the worst rendition of "My Heart Will Go On" that I've ever heard. It's been going on all day. Now I know why he dumped this idiot. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/5/2010 13:16 - Malaysia

Today, someone switched my hairspray with bug spray when I didn't notice. I used it. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/2/2018 19:00

Today, my best friend of 12 years traveled cross country to help me recover from major surgery. I've been sitting in the hospital by myself while she has sex in my empty apartment with some guy she met. FML

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By Don'tjudgeabook - 5/4/2017 20:00

Today, a man reminded me five times how much of a "nice guy" he was during our first conversation, saying also that I seem the sort to date the "bad guys" because I looked sweet and innocent. Then, without waiting for me to say something, he sighed and walked away, muttering that he always finished last. FML

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By ouch - 24/7/2013 18:03 - United States - Sterling

Today, I spontaneously got my ear pierced. By spontaneously, I mean my 12-year-old sister stabbed one of her earrings into my ear while I was sleeping. She claimed the freckle on my earlobe looks "exactly the same" as the hole from her ear piercing. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/3/2012 01:54 - United States - Natrona Heights

Today, I felt manly. I spent almost the entire day peeling paint, power sanding, and applying Spackle for my grandma. Strutting with masculinity, I headed for the shower, only to let out a womanly yelp at a spider hanging at eye level around a corner. Manliness gone. FML

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By S - 23/11/2016 21:14

Today, the district manager visited. Also today, I got called into the office to talk about "personal hygiene". The assistant store manager asked me if I had some kind of medical problem and advised me to shower regularly because my co-workers have been making comments. FML

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Top comments

By Steve95401 | 49

#6581085 - Saturday 16 April 2016 2:05

I hope you're near the Porta Pottie during the work day.

By bella_nana347 | 23

#6581099 - Saturday 16 April 2016 2:17

Shit man. I hope you don't fall behind from taking so many breaks.

COMMENTS

By Steve95401 | 49

#6581085 - Saturday 16 April 2016 2:05

I hope you're near the Porta Pottie during the work day.

By doubledee8 | 16

#6581086 - Saturday 16 April 2016 2:06

Not to be that guy but, that sounds pretty shitty

doraquiexplore | 13

#6581090 - Saturday 16 April 2016 2:08

Never be that guy

By hardcorefan16 | 22

#6581091 - Saturday 16 April 2016 2:09

Wow I actually didn't know cough drops did that. You learn something new everyday.

MikaykayUnicorn | 36

#6581121 - Saturday 16 April 2016 3:05

This sounds like a Today I fucked up I read about someone consuming too many mints and it having the same effect. Pretty odd.

brezzyanna | 17

#6581156 - Saturday 16 April 2016 4:28

I'm not completely sure, but I think it's only sugar free cough drops that do that. I read it somewhere.

christge1beast | 17

#6581211 - Saturday 16 April 2016 6:14

If they were honey coated or made with honey, that could be why. Honey in large quantities acts as a laxative.

littlekellilee | 45

#6581304 - Saturday 16 April 2016 9:37

This is so good to know! *goes out and buys as many mints, cough drops, and honey as I can find*

What? I've uh... I'm having a really bad week.

fuckpotato | 12

#6581376 - Saturday 16 April 2016 12:46

#35... What?

littlekellilee | 45

#6581546 - Saturday 16 April 2016 17:39

1) joke.
2) Why would I be excited to learn about a laxative when I'm having a really bad week? Probably extreme constipation!
Sorry the joke wasn't obvious enough for you. I'll stick to knock knocks in the future to not confuse you.

theblondeone | 16

#6581697 - Saturday 16 April 2016 20:52

If I remember correctly, it's due to the artificial sweetener sorbitol. Human digestive systems don't tolerate it well.

Taolan | 23

#6582881 - Monday 18 April 2016 15:01

"sugar free" candies aren't actually sugar free, they just use sugars that our body can't process such as certain alcohol sugars.

These collect in your lower digestive tract and once they hit a certain concentration, boom. Poop time.

By gosh_mate | 30

#6581093 - Saturday 16 April 2016 2:10

That sounds terrible, but it does have a warning on the packet if you read it ...

MadJessTic | 29

#6581114 - Saturday 16 April 2016 2:46

Who the hell reads the fine print on the back of a pack of cough drops??

Dale_shackleford | 13

#6581197 - Saturday 16 April 2016 5:46

The same people who read the terms and conditions.

TheMathMajor | 26

#6581209 - Saturday 16 April 2016 6:12

Cough drops are medicated. Like any other medicine, you should definitely read the package before you take any. It tells you on the bag not to exceed a certain amount of drops per day.

MikaykayUnicorn | 36

#6585148 - Thursday 21 April 2016 11:33

#28, so I definitely shouldn't eat an entire bag of cherry cough drops because they taste good? Fuck.

By bella_nana347 | 23

#6581099 - Saturday 16 April 2016 2:17

Shit man. I hope you don't fall behind from taking so many breaks.

SecundusSecunda | 27

#6581119 - Saturday 16 April 2016 3:03

Sounds like his behind is already falling off, though

By Muhubi | 9

#6581109 - Saturday 16 April 2016 2:37

Anything that is sugar free (like cough drops) can have this effect. Sugar free products like gum and stuff use xylitol as a sweetener, which in excess quantities can act as a laxative