Today, I decided to get over my lifelong fear of Michael Jackson.... - FML

By Shady_Soldier - 31/10/2013 08:41 - United Kingdom

Today, I decided to get over my lifelong fear of Michael Jackson. I went to have my photo taken with a statue of him. Little did I know, for Halloween week they replace the statues with real people. It jumped out at me; I'm never getting over this fear. FML

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Alexa, play "Cannonball" by The Breeders

Doomed

This is fine

By princessj - 16/10/2010 05:50 - United States

Today, my 4 year old son told his preschool teacher that his daddy could pick up 10,000 cows but couldn't pick up his mommy because she was too heavy. I'm the mommy. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/3/2014 03:46 - United States - Lafayette

Today, I was walking and saw a quarter. I bent down to pick it up. Barely a foot ahead there was another, so I crawled over to get it. This continued for about six feet when I realize a kid was laying them out in a trail. I had collected 7 fake quarters and the kid had it on video. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2009 11:33 - Romania

Today, I had a double wedding with my sister. My mother, being as encouraging as she always is, told us that statistics say one of our marriages will end in divorce. She then explained she thinks it'll be mine because I'm 'a self-absorbed bitch'. FML

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By xxteenhearts - 29/5/2009 00:13 - United States

Today, I seemingly misplaced my cell phone but didn't have time to look for it before work. This evening, my cell phone company calls me to tell me I have six hundred dollars worth of calls to El Salvador that I have to pay for. My cell phone was not misplaced, it was stolen. FML

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By Sara - 22/9/2020 07:54 - Canada

Don't feed the animals

Today, I had to clean up dirt from flipped-over flowerpot mess for the 100th time. Why? Because the neighbour won’t stop feeding the squirrels peanuts. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/10/2009 19:13 - United States

Today, I walked into a T-Mobile store to get a new phone. I wanted all of my numbers on my new phone, but the customer service rep had to transfer them. He said jokingly, "I understand. You don't want to lose your girlfriend's number." My girlfriend and I broke up two days ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/6/2013 20:27 - United States

Today, my mom cut off the legs of all my pants, because she says I don't show enough skin for guys. I'm now forced to wear jaggedly cut shorts that barely cover my thighs until I can buy new ones. FML

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By cutthroatkait - 5/8/2014 22:44 - United States

Today, I picked up an extra shift at the store. It was also the day the store's ventilation system shut down, resulting in carbon monoxide poisoning for me and two co-workers. FML

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By Lizzy - 11/11/2016 03:01

Today, I tried to make things less awkward by complimenting my Tai Chi partner's ring and he says, "Thanks, it's a purity ring!" I said, "I used to have one of those. Would you believe me if I said I lost it in a river?" Now my entire Tai Chi class thinks I lost my virginity in a river. FML

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By nothreat33 - 18/1/2009 00:04 - United States

Today, it was my 24th birthday. I got a card from my sister reading: "Here's to another year of complete disregard for age-appropriate developmental milestones." She was right. FML

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By vitalcheese - 20/5/2009 19:12 - United States

Today, I was walking around my house without a shirt on after my shower. I picked up my cat and walked around the corner... Just as my dad turned on the vacuum. Now I have 6 rather deep bloody holes in my shoulder and chest. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2013 16:13 - Lithuania - Vilnius

Today, I poured my heart out to my now ex-girlfriend over the recent passing away of my grandmother. Her eyes glazed over multiple times, and when I said that I don't know how to cope with everything, her advice was simply, "Shotgun. Mouth. Blam." FML

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By Just an Exam - 14/12/2016 18:37 - United States

Today, I caught my boyfriend cheating on his final exam. I confronted him after class by jokingly asking, "If you cheated on a test, would you cheat on me?" Turns out that yes, yes he would, and he did. FML

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By morning_glory - 27/1/2015 21:17 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my boss expected me to corroborate her lie to a customer. She changed her story suddenly and I got caught up in the crosshairs. Then she got mad at me for not understanding what just happened. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/7/2012 19:04 - Norway - Rakkestad

Today, my daughter proudly showed me her new tattoo sleeve, which is made up of an angry cupcake, hemp leaves, and a My Little Pony character. She's almost 30, still unemployed, and still lives in my home. I now have no hope of her ever becoming a productive member of society. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/6/2016 21:35 - United States - Middleboro

Today, my daughter posted a poem on Facebook about how her father and I abused her for years. It's a complete lie and an obvious attempt to impress her boyfriend, whom she thanked for "rescuing" her. I've received several hateful messages already, along with threats to report me to CPS. FML

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By anonymous - 3/1/2011 19:50 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me there was a tick on my shoulder and that he would remove it so I shouldn't worry. After about a half hour, lots of blood, and a ton of pain, he told me it was just a mole. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/10/2009 10:56 - Australia

Today, my house got robbed, while I was upstairs taking a dump. FML

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By thanks a lot - 4/5/2020 05:00

Great boyfriend, part 2

Today, my boyfriend made me a latte. It tasted off, but I didn't want to hurt his feelings so I drank it. Turns out he put laxatives in it as a prank. The idiot couldn’t just use one or two. He used so many that I had to go to the ER for severe dehydration after puking and shitting for hours. FML

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By Lesbian - 4/8/2017 13:00

Today I took my girlfriend to the cafe where we had our first date, with the intention of proposing. Moments before I took the ring out, some sleazy old guy said "how are you two fine babes single on a Saturday?" He refused to leave us alone even when we said we were on a date. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/6/2020 08:08

Zoomers zooming

Today, I was blowing my husband when we heard that distinctive shutter noise, and we realised our daughter had taken a photo of us. Apparently, she meant to take a video because she knows a website where any kind of "spying on people having sex" video will earn her $50. FML

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By ohmylantis - 4/5/2011 14:50 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was introducing me to some business partners. As he was going along telling me their names, when he introduced me, he called me by my best friend's name. FML

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By Rachel - 27/10/2020 08:01 - United States

Fun fun fun

Today, I spent my entire day building various zoos in Zoo Tycoon, and then releasing all of the animals to see them chase people. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/10/2015 13:45 - Belgium - Herenthout

Today, I told one of my classmates for the third time that I'm not into guys and wasn't interested in going on a date with him. He just looked at me blankly and said "So I'll pick you up at 9?" FML

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By notcool - 15/9/2009 19:45 - United States

Today, I learned that my anxious and obsessive mother is going to drive three hours every weekend to attend a Johns Hopkins medical course on stress reduction. Why is this bad? I just left home for college and have enjoyed my last two weeks of freedom without her around. I attend Johns Hopkins. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/9/2017 17:15 - United States - New Hyde Park

Today, a teenage kid holding a cell phone ran up to me and kicked me as hard as he could in the groin. After I fell to the ground in pain, I realized he was liveblogging the event and asking people to subscribe to his YouTube channel. FML

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By SphereMaiden - 22/2/2018 01:30

Today, after ignoring me for about a week, my boyfriend finally broke up with me. Why? He discovered that I use prescription deodorant. FML

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By toolateabuckshort - 2/6/2017 12:11

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By coolhand - 29/8/2009 15:13 - United States

Today, I waited for my girlfriend to get in the shower before I stripped down to try and seduce her. I got ready, threw open the door and went in. I walked in on her taking a dump. FML

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By SkinsCastSelection - 17/1/2011 06:24 - France

Today, I signed my own plaster-cast to make people believe that I actually have friends. FML

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By soupcrackers - 7/10/2020 04:57

Persona non grata

Today, I spoke to Friend A and Friend B, with whom I'd had arguments with in the past. Those arguments caused me to leave a group chat. When I want to settle things with Friend B, they told me, "Don't come back to the group chat. It'll make everyone happier if you stay out." FML

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By Anonymous - 30/5/2019 00:01

Today, I went to have my tires replaced. While I was paying, the cashier asked if I would like a warranty for the tires. I said, "Nah, only idiots who can't drive need that." While pulling out of the parking lot, I took the turn too wide and popped my tire on the median. FML

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By Puppy Loverr - 25/8/2011 07:12 - Australia

Today, I was getting a bit intimate with my boyfriend. Just when things were getting interesting, my dog managed to get into my room. He jumped on the bed and my boyfriend spent the next 20 minutes playing with the dog, while I sat next to him, half naked. FML

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By jocksblow - 14/11/2011 13:23 - United States

Today, I found an old jock strap in my tuba. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/10/2012 01:19 - United States - Evansville

Today, my parents gave me a sock and card for my eighteenth birthday. The card said, "Now that Dobby is free, get out." FML

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By zain - 4/6/2011 06:15 - United States

Today, at my job as a lifeguard, the kids in the pool decided to start a new game. The game involved spreading out to different parts of the pool and pretending to be drowning at the same time. Whoever was "saved" first, won. FML

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By abbshows - 29/8/2014 18:54 - United States

Today, it was my great aunt's funeral. We all had to wait two hours for the service to begin, because they forgot to dig the grave. FML

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By santabelly - 2/12/2016 04:44

Today, I was trying to use the video editing software on my computer for a group project. It then wanted me to purchase another program that cost over $130. One of my teammates told me to buy it, because, "I could afford to skip a few lunches." FML

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By justno - 29/6/2014 00:26 - Canada - Mississauga

Today, my sister ran into my room unannounced while I was on webcam with a potential employer. Before I could react, she looked at my screen, said "Damn, he's fucking hot." and flashed him. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/2/2015 02:32 - Netherlands - Amsterdam

Today, my new boyfriend and I really wanted to have sex, but he went soft as soon as he entered me. This happens every time we try. I feel cursed by my year-long dry spell. FML

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Top comments

By skilova4lifezzz | 19

#5736642 - Thursday 31 October 2013 16:26

Wow. What a thriller. Probably scared you black and white.

By Welshite | 39

#5736643 - Thursday 31 October 2013 16:26

I'll bet you Beat It out of there.

COMMENTS

By skilova4lifezzz | 19

#5736642 - Thursday 31 October 2013 16:26

Wow. What a thriller. Probably scared you black and white.

Reply

deet124 | 10

#5736659 - Thursday 31 October 2013 16:36

Dammit you beat me to it. FML

Reply

Nyx_fml | 23

#5736660 - Thursday 31 October 2013 16:37

All OP could do was Scream.

Reply

epicwaffles | 7

#5736663 - Thursday 31 October 2013 16:39

Am I the only one not making puns and wondering how they got the real Michael Jackson to pose as a statue?

Reply

xXxJaGsTeRxXx | 11

#5736666 - Thursday 31 October 2013 16:41

OP didn't even notice. That man is such a smooth criminal.

Reply

HowieDoIt | 21

#5736698 - Thursday 31 October 2013 17:16

These puns are so Bad. It's time to learn the ABC's of humor.

Reply

trueblue170 | 13

#5736702 - Thursday 31 October 2013 17:19

It IS Human Nature to be scared of some things.

Reply

mackdeezy | 21

#5736748 - Thursday 31 October 2013 18:32

I guess This Is It. The moment when you face the facts and realize your fear is Invincible.

Reply

fucMyLifeSoHard | 18

#5736813 - Thursday 31 October 2013 19:24

18- I really hope you're kidding.

Reply

Freethaawave | 19

#5736904 - Thursday 31 October 2013 20:27

#56 - Youuu are not alone

Reply

bfsd42 | 20

#5736936 - Thursday 31 October 2013 21:07

No 18, you are just thread Jack-ing.

Reply

andrealovvve | 17

#5736969 - Thursday 31 October 2013 21:52

There's no words for how idiotic you made yourself sound.

Reply

swaggalikethat | 22

#5737005 - Thursday 31 October 2013 22:41

That sounds Dangerous, I hope it wasn't too Bad, Op.

Reply

mansen | 15

#5737038 - Thursday 31 October 2013 23:37

ABC 123...Peeee!!!

Reply

jman26 | 11

#5737286 - Friday 1 November 2013 3:19

It coulda Ben worse

Reply

Kage01 | 4

#5737399 - Friday 1 November 2013 5:10

Time to look at the man in the mirror

Reply

Bobby_007 | 9

#5737685 - Friday 1 November 2013 11:50

#18 you need to, Beat It.

Reply

karlymarie27 | 9

#5738266 - Friday 1 November 2013 21:14

#18 You can Beat It out of them.

By Welshite | 39

#5736643 - Thursday 31 October 2013 16:26

I'll bet you Beat It out of there.

Reply

T9FTW | 20

#5737311 - Friday 1 November 2013 3:48

Yeah, if I were the OP, I'd leave too. After all, I don't Wanna Be Startin' Somethin'.

Heck, I'd probably laugh about it in the future. "Remember the Time when I Scream-ed at that Stranger in Moscow?"

By DocBastard | 38

#5736644 - Thursday 31 October 2013 16:28

Your fear of Michael Jackson? What's to be afraid of? He just liked children, slept in a hyperbaric chamber, had a pet monkey, destroyed his face with plastic surgery...

Ok you have a point.

Reply

Peachy2392 | 26

#5736651 - Thursday 31 October 2013 16:31

His face after all the surgeries creeped me out the most. My brother printed out pictures of him and posted them all over the house and my room to help me "get over it".

Reply

skilova4lifezzz | 19

#5736654 - Thursday 31 October 2013 16:34

That's Bad, could have ruined your Childhood, but don't worry #9; You Are Not Alone. We will all Come Together, and as a group we will Smile as we Heal The World.

Reply

\ | 28

#5736722 - Thursday 31 October 2013 17:49

If MJ had went to therapy and not used Propofol, he'd likely still be with us today.

Reply

Cwizer | 17

#5736735 - Thursday 31 October 2013 18:19

Nothing to see folks. Just another pop legend scaring people in the afterlife. It is Halloween !!

Reply

KawaiiCupcake | 14

#5736868 - Thursday 31 October 2013 19:55

I think there should be a phobia of Michel Jackson...
There is one for everything... Even for Halloween O_O

Reply

JMichael | 25

#5737040 - Thursday 31 October 2013 23:38

We'd call it kingofpopaphobia.

Reply

tjv3 | 10

#5737144 - Friday 1 November 2013 1:47

Don't forget that he turned himself white

Reply

buttcramp | 21

#5737216 - Friday 1 November 2013 2:27

I grew up scared of him too

Reply

Sputnikspak | 13

#5737268 - Friday 1 November 2013 3:03

83 - He didn't so much turn himself white as he had vitiligo, spots started showing up in the 80's and eventually his skin was white with brown spots, it was easier to use makeup to make him all white.

Reply

T9FTW | 20

#5763891 - Friday 22 November 2013 10:33

So I AOL searched "michael jackson scary face" and clicked "Images". God bless anyone who decides to do the same.

By sassypants93 | 17

#5736645 - Thursday 31 October 2013 16:28

He is the king of POP!

Reply

laden_swallow09 | 34

#5736717 - Thursday 31 October 2013 17:42

How DARE you even breathe that hack's name in the same thread as His Majesty?!

Reply

cgart96 | 14

#5736869 - Thursday 31 October 2013 19:55

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

rocker_chick105 | 31

#5736901 - Thursday 31 October 2013 20:24

^ You seem fun at parties

By thatonegirlnic | 10

#5736646 - Thursday 31 October 2013 16:28

You fear him? So You don't happen to be the baby he dangled off the balcony do you...?

Reply

incoherentrmblr | 21

#5738941 - Saturday 2 November 2013 6:55

Makes some people wish he was Eric Clapton's kid instead...

By MattOnFML | 13

#5736647 - Thursday 31 October 2013 16:29

Tough luck on that. Still a funny joke though! Just unfortunate that it was scarring someone afraid of a person or statues.

By skilova4lifezzz | 19

#5736649 - Thursday 31 October 2013 16:29

I don't blame you though, it is Human Nature.

By BFons | 19

#5736650 - Thursday 31 October 2013 16:29

Haha that's great.

By Enslaved | 36

#5736653 - Thursday 31 October 2013 16:33

Why do you have a fear of him? Did he invite you over for a sleep over?

By riddenhopes | 13

#5736655 - Thursday 31 October 2013 16:34

Ask Billy Jean to help you with your fear.