Animals: Today, my dog climbed onto the dining room table to eat the cat's...

By Anonymous - 21/11/2012 05:00 - United States - Casselberry

Today, my dog climbed onto the dining room table to eat the cat's food. Then whined until I showed him how to get down. He does this every night. My dog is a genius. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 900

You deserved it 5 070

Animals

Hiding from the drama

Panic

The Phoebe Technique

By hiii. - 16/03/2010 02:27 - United States

Today, I was so bored I googled the word "bored." The results were boring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 310

You deserved it 40 752

By Anonymous - 28/12/2013 05:10 - United States - Novi

Today, after being married for 20 years, I found out that my wife has accounts on multiple dating sites, "just in case." FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 915

You deserved it 3 561

By girlmeetsworld - 18/02/2009 23:27 - United States

Today, my four-year-old cousin gave me a hug, basically stuffing his face into my crotch. Then he pulled it out and said "Ew, that's stinky" in front of my entire class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 060

You deserved it 13 616

By Anonymous - 15/01/2016 17:47 - United States - Winona

Today, I got pulled off a hugely important project, all because I accidentally spelled "country" as "cuntry" in an email to our client. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 694

You deserved it 16 104

There you are

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, at an aunt's wake, my five year-old son walked up to the coffin, and, with the whole family around him, exclaimed, "Well that's good, I was wondering where she's been." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 482

You deserved it 3 599

By Anonymous - 07/01/2015 01:26 - United States - Washington

Today, I spent an hour in a snowstorm waiting for my bus to show up. After I got fed up, I decided to just clean off my car and drive to work. After I was halfway finished swiping off the snow and ice stuck to my car, the bus drove right past me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 397

You deserved it 4 377

By nnniii - 16/11/2015 04:55 - United States - Seattle

Today, I tried to give my first hand-job while wearing fuzzy socks in a carpeted room. I reached out to touch his penis and shocked him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 357

You deserved it 5 267

By Amey - 04/05/2009 09:09 - United States

Today, while watching TV, I danced, sang along, and helped Dora the Explorer get to her Grandmother's house. It was the most fun I've had all year. I'm 21. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 269

You deserved it 29 331

Boredom

By Anonymous - 03/07/2020 14:02

Today, I'm so bored during quarantine that I'm looking forward to the virtual doctor's appointment I made for next week, about the potential erectile dysfunction I might have. I'm also 22 years-old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 463

You deserved it 180

By flatchested Sam - 01/12/2013 00:16 - United States - Radcliff

Today, my mom said I should start wearing push up bras to make myself look better. I was wearing one when she said that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 757

You deserved it 3 935

By MyS3lf - 19/04/2011 02:33 - United States

Today, I woke up to a strange sound that sounded like a lot of water being poured into a sink. It was actually my father in law using the bathtub as a toilet. He's staying with us, and is showing no signs of leaving any time soon. He thinks this is acceptable behavior. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 051

You deserved it 3 308

By Anonymous - 15/10/2010 23:01 - Canada

Today, I went to class with my bag packed for a weekend trip when it began to vibrate violently. Stopping mid-lecture, the professor approached me and asked politely if I could turn off my cell phone as I was disturbing the other 150 pupils in the class. It was my personal vibrator. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 456

You deserved it 46 973

By FastFlight - 23/06/2009 06:12 - United States

Today, my daughter used pledge to clean the wooden staircase. I found out when I tried to walk down them in socks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 114

You deserved it 5 045

By FailingMyCourse - 07/02/2016 03:36 - Kuwait - Kuwait

Today, I found out that my university had not accepted the internship I did when I was in college. They placed me in the same bank I interned in, with the same bank manager that I flipped the middle finger at after finishing my internship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 176

You deserved it 27 200

By Heretique - 09/02/2011 09:30 - Norway

Today, we had to evaluate each other in class. Apparently I'm a quarrelsome, uncommitted, commanding bitch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 493

You deserved it 35 298

By anonymous - 04/05/2011 10:01 - Australia

Today, as I was walking back inside I noticed my mop leaning on the wall next to my door. I picked it up and started slow dancing with it, imagining it was the girl I'm in love with. I didn't notice my neighbours bunched up at their window laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 439

You deserved it 33 913

By What the fuck, son? - 11/05/2013 16:21 - Netherlands - Amerongen

Today, I walked in on my son trying to carve a bong out of a watermelon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 365

You deserved it 7 811

Modernity

By Jules - 29/10/2020 02:03 - Germany - Aachen

Today, my health insurance has finally gone digital, so I sent them a message through their webpage, asking a question. I then got an email, telling me they'd replied. I had to log into their webpage again to see the reply, which read, "A letter concerning your question has been sent to you by post." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 076

You deserved it 69

By annon - 11/02/2012 06:23 - Canada

Today, my brother's girlfriend broke up with him. He has been playing Whitney Houston's "I will always love you" all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 389

You deserved it 3 357

Hoarded in

By nola2005 - 01/10/2019 00:01

Today, as my gaze went from the cobwebs hanging from my ceiling to the opened and unopened Amazon boxes in the corners of my house, I realized I'm on my way to being a hoarder. I'm too tired and depressed to do anything about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 326

You deserved it 469

By blahmina - 23/01/2009 15:18 - United States

Today, I had to walk home from school in the rain, because my mom "didn't have a car to pick me up in". But when I got home, the car had magically appeared. Just great. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 818

You deserved it 2 351

Cheeky!

By Anonymous - 03/08/2014 05:16 - Australia - Perth

Today, at work, an old man was having trouble using his credit card at the checkout. I told him to "just stick it in", and he replied with "I love it when you talk dirty to me." The whole line at the checkout laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 103

You deserved it 23 572

By 102496 - 05/02/2010 03:53 - France

Today, I went to the store with my 4 1/2 year old daughter. When we got to the cosmetics aisle, she asked what make-up was for, I told her it was to make women prettier. My daughter then told me it was a good thing I wear make-up because I was ugly and that I might scare off my husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 677

You deserved it 4 564

By Anonymous - 07/06/2009 23:15 - United States

Today, I found out my mom paid my best friend $20 to be my friend when we were 10. FML

I agree, your life sucks 143 229

You deserved it 8 147

By fuck off, dad - 02/01/2014 17:07 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, my dad is going through a midlife crisis. He now wants to be less like a dad and more like a "best friend" to me. This mainly involves him constantly texting me, sending me stuff on Snapchat, and saying stuff like "wicked cool", "bazinga", and "swag" every chance he gets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 155

You deserved it 4 766

He's trying to kill you!

By Mary - 21/10/2019 22:00 - United States

Today, while at a party, my boyfriend threw a temper tantrum. He screamed at me and then gave me the silent treatment. All because I said, "No thank you" to the crab dip he got for me. I'm allergic to shellfish, we've been dating for two years and it's come up before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 800

You deserved it 199

By educatttiiioonnn - 26/09/2010 00:15 - United States

Today, I made exactly 400 flashcards of my vocab that I had to memorize. It took me over 3 hours to make them and hours to remember them. Proud of myself, I showed them to my friends. Then my friends notified me I had memorized the wrong section. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 832

You deserved it 26 000

My new house

By Anonymous - 22/01/2013 08:27 - New Zealand - Wainuiomata

Today, I bought my first house, blowing nearly all my savings on the deposit. I had left myself enough for just a couple of necessary bits of furniture. It turns out the previous owner completely stripped the house when he left, taking the oven and even the toilet with him, amongst other things. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 368

You deserved it 13 450

By Anonymous - 10/05/2019 20:00

Today, I went into work with the mentality that all of my ass-busting work was going to result in me finally being promoted to manager. We had a site meeting. The entire building is being laid off because Apple cut our contract. Yay, I'm out of a job. I hate Apple. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 015

You deserved it 207

By Anonymous - 14/11/2012 18:10 - United States - Gerber

Today, my boss told me to cut my long hair. After coming back to work with a clean cut hairstyle, he apparently thought I was the new guy, and said I was going to be trained by "The long-haired girly-looking idiot." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 748

You deserved it 3 847

By sleepylillion - 25/04/2016 05:07 - United States - Eleele

Today, I woke up to the sound of my boyfriend chuckling to himself. Turns out he had just clogged the toilet. When he called maintenance, halfway through explaining the problem he started hysterically giggling and had to hang up mid-sentence. This has been a reoccurring theme. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 162

You deserved it 1 509

By Anon - 11/09/2009 01:19 - United States

Today, while at work I passed out due to my blood sugar not being normal. Despite the fact that it took 10 minutes to wake me, no one thought I was in any sort of danger. After the episode, I then got fired for "sleeping on the job." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 131

You deserved it 2 940

By ILoveAnimals - 11/06/2012 07:14 - Austria - Vienna

Today, I went to the circus with my family. When we were looking at the animals during the break, an elephant took my purse with his trunk and ate it. It crushed my cellphone, camera, keys and wallet. After that, the circus director yelled at me for feeding poisonous stuff to his elephant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 670

You deserved it 5 503

By disappointment son - 19/05/2017 12:00

Today, I caught and kicked a shoplifter out of my store. The shoplifter was my mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 421

You deserved it 230

By Anonymous - 30/10/2010 00:10 - United Kingdom

Today, my mother, my aunt, and my two sisters are all on their periods. I can't even brush my teeth in my own house without being treated like a criminal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 685

You deserved it 5 291

By asshalf15 - 25/07/2014 20:19 - United States - Hacienda Heights

Today, I got expelled from school. I was walking down a flight of stairs when I tripped and bumped into a kid ahead of me by mistake. He fell forward and took half a dozen people down with him. The staff think I did it on purpose, and there's talk of charges being pressed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 420

You deserved it 4 400

By Doglover - 02/11/2017 14:00

Today, I went jogging. It was cold but I dressed lightly because I overheat when I exercise. Unfortunately, I locked myself out. My wife returned four hours later to find me spooning our dog in the doghouse to keep from freezing to death. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 838

You deserved it 929

By Anonymous - 10/01/2014 23:05 - United States

Today, I realized I willingly support my boyfriend's alcoholism, because the only time he says "I love you" is when he's blind drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 408

You deserved it 17 603

By tramplily - 17/11/2011 05:43 - United States

Today, I was driving home and got a phone call from my mom. She called to tell me that there was a cop at the bottom of our hill, and to be careful. I got a ticket for talking on my cell phone while driving. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 601

You deserved it 30 409

Pampered

By really karen?! - 29/09/2021 20:00 - United States

Today, I had to place a call home because a student was late every single day. The mom rudely replied, “Yeah well she doesn’t really like getting up in the mornings. Can’t you just wait and start class like 30 minutes later?” Now I have to have a conference with this spoiled brat and her mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 387

You deserved it 76

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Top comments

ariverperson 11

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Wednesday 21 November 2012 12:20

the cats food is kept on the dining room table? ew...

Bob_Cat_fml 14

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Wednesday 21 November 2012 12:17

Genius enough to understand that you can be tricked every day the same way …

CheeseHater 23

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Wednesday 21 November 2012 12:17

I have experience with animals, and they aren't smart, they think they can get away with anything and will never give up until they get it. Okay, they are geniuses.

lilhellian 26

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Wednesday 21 November 2012 12:32

Some animals are smart. Cats they learned how to be lazy and make humans worship them. Monkies they can learn the American Sign Language.

nictransitglory 4

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Wednesday 21 November 2012 16:18

Your dog can get a job at an apple store as a genius. He'll fit right in!

chell1894 13

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Wednesday 21 November 2012 17:45

My Moms dog would always leave her room at night jump from the table into the trash can (he's like 8 pounds) and then sit in there whining until someone came and got him. Stupid dog..

Bob_Cat_fml 14

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Wednesday 21 November 2012 12:17

Genius enough to understand that you can be tricked every day the same way …

Inheritance 10

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Wednesday 21 November 2012 14:21

Or keep it there wait for the dog to jump up, then simply remove the cat food, and leave him up there for awhile and teach him a lesson.

mowmowlife 21

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Wednesday 21 November 2012 21:55

OP is insane

Luxord33 8

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Thursday 18 April 2013 8:01

#36- AGREED! That's what I would do!

ariverperson 11

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Wednesday 21 November 2012 12:20

the cats food is kept on the dining room table? ew...

oj101 33

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Wednesday 21 November 2012 12:43

I've heard worse. A person I know keeps a pet tortoise that lives in a drawer at the bottom of his closet.

danielnieves 4

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Wednesday 21 November 2012 14:15

The cat on the table is way worse the a turtle in a drawer

Marrach 7

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Wednesday 21 November 2012 16:08

Grilled salmon? Tofu anyone?

chell1894 13

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Wednesday 21 November 2012 17:49

Op keeps it there because all dogs LOVE cat food. Cats are carnivores and their food is extremely meaty while dogs are omnivores and their food isn't nearly as meaty. It's like a dog treat to them. We have to keep ours on a small end table in the spare room or shut the cats with their food and everything.

allforus 5

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Wednesday 21 November 2012 22:24

Yeah. I agree. Used kitty litter paws on the table. Gag.

Jennielee 6

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Thursday 22 November 2012 14:29

Exactly! Cats walk in their own crap. I have three and none of them are allowed on counters or tables. They are very well behaved......when I'm looking anyway.

chris_42 11

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Wednesday 21 November 2012 12:20

You should probably put the cat food somewhere where the dog can't. reach it to avoid his whole situation in the first place.

oj101 33

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Wednesday 21 November 2012 12:24

I always put one dog in a separate, closed off room to feed him (pantry) whilst my other dog eats in the cloak room at the same time. That way, they don't steal each others food and they clearly know the boundaries.

NickyK 25

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Wednesday 21 November 2012 12:24

Find a place for the cat's food that is inaccessible for the dog. Problem solved :)

spaboolly 26

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Wednesday 21 November 2012 12:28

Dogs like to think they can do cat things, until they realize their lack of agility and climbing skills. One time my dog managed to climb up onto our kitchen counter, where the cats were fed and liked to hang out, and I just found her wandering around up there looking totally lost. I'd suggest moving the cat food bowl or rearranging the furniture so that the dog can't get up there again.

zingline89 18

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Wednesday 21 November 2012 12:35

Your dog should work for Apple

ChefPhilly 13

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Wednesday 21 November 2012 15:24

You should google how to stop this..

zenrael 21

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Wednesday 21 November 2012 12:56

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Show it anyway

magicbear 3

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Wednesday 21 November 2012 13:30

Op isn't asking for advice. Just sharing a funny story. It's her table and obviously she has no problem sharing it with her cat ( neither would I)

zingline89 18

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Wednesday 21 November 2012 13:34

Yeah! Don't let Krishna on the table!

chell1894 13

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Wednesday 21 November 2012 17:53

It's on the table because dogs love cat food and will eat it all. Cats are carnivores and their food is extremely meaty while dogs are omnivores so their food isn't nearly as meaty. Cat food is like a treat to them. So you have to put it somewhere dogs can't get to.