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By SystemofaBlink41 - 29/09/2014 04:31 - Puerto Rico - Caguas

Today, my mom got genuinely angry at me because I refused to let her pop a zit that I had "promised" she could pop a few days back. She said with utmost look of disappointment that I'm "not a man of my word". FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 351

You deserved it 5 764

SystemofaBlink41 tells us more.

SystemofaBlink41 27

Sunday 1 March 2015 0:28

No, but I'm not giving her any ideas...

By jellyybean - 05/09/2011 17:05 - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend why he didn't believe in marriage. His response was, "I believe in marriage. Just not marriage with you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 695

You deserved it 5 874

TW: Gross

By sweet_stufz - 11/11/2010 13:30 - Canada

Today, I was in a public washroom and I had to take a dump. I knew how dirty the toilets were, so tried to do the "stand and poo." Unfortunately, I slipped and the poo fell on the ground. Then I realized there were no paper towels. There was a line outside waiting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 659

You deserved it 38 934

By EricCartman - 20/05/2009 03:31 - United States

Today, I was riding the bus home from school. I was sitting by myself, and my backpack was occupying the seat next to me. A hot girl boarded the bus, and was standing right where I was sitting. I placed my backpack on my lap, freeing up the seat. The girl stood the entire bus ride. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 628

You deserved it 6 465

By mini matthylde - 19/11/2015 09:57 - France - Nantes

Today, I'm 4ft9 "tall" and I always have trouble reaching things that are high up. It's my birthday, and I got three footstools as gifts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 526

You deserved it 55

By unluckydude - 29/06/2013 22:19 - Colombia - Tunja

Today, my co-worker thought it would be funny to tell her husband that she cheated on him with me. I'm scared to death and I don't dare to go out by myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 004

You deserved it 4 512

By WhatTheFaf - 01/09/2011 14:40 - United Kingdom

Today, my mum yelled at me for wanting to apply to university courses that she doesn't approve of. I'm applying for Biomedical Sciences and Microbiology, she's an unemployed Jehovah's Witness. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 054

You deserved it 2 977

By mainlaw - 04/12/2009 17:33 - Ireland

Today, I found out that just because you're drunk, it doesn't make it okay to call your mother-in-law a fat slag. However, it does make it okay for your wife to knee you in the snow globes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 001

You deserved it 47 328

Happy Kal Rekk!

By Anonymous - 08/06/2023 03:00

Today, my daughter got fired from a high five figures job for making up fake religious holidays to get days off, and for almost a year her boss was so scared of being called a racist, he never bothered to look into it until today, and she was sacked 10 minutes later. FML

I agree, your life sucks 844

You deserved it 394

By cazzb - 16/09/2014 04:17 - United States - Woodbridge

Today, while waiting for my violin student to unpack his violin, he farted loudly and rhythmically on the sofa, and then went on about how it sounded like the "Shave and a Haircut" rhythm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 858

You deserved it 3 050

By Zolesz96 - 30/08/2011 16:39 - Hungary

Spicy

Today, in a queue to the ATM, a hot girl was standing in front of me. The girl's boyfriend grabbed her ass. She turned around and slapped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 436

You deserved it 2 545

Zolesz96 tells us more.

Zolesz96 7

Wednesday 31 August 2011 15:50

It was a bit of awkward. The girl was a twenty-something and her boyfriend was over thirty. Jó látni a magyar kommenteket.

Master manipulator

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - Turkey

Today, my cat learned how to flush the toilet while I was in the shower. His transformation from cute kitten to pure evil entity is now complete. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 233

You deserved it 6 118

By Lepisma - 26/06/2013 07:19 - United States - College Station

Today, I faced my severe phobia of spiders in order to remove a rather large one from my home. After 20 minutes of desperate struggling, it was finally taken care of. Relieved, I sat down and glanced across the hallway just in time to see a second, equally large spider strutting across the wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 403

You deserved it 4 356

Lepisma tells us more.

Lepisma 38

Wednesday 26 June 2013 20:20

I usually handle smaller spiders okay unless they surprise me, but these guys were big. This happened at about 1 am last night and my housemate was asleep, so a vacuum was not an option. I did use big spray. In fact, I nailed the first one three times and it shrugged it off like a BAMF (it was a Texan spider, after all). I actually already have a cat - two, in fact. They were very interested in the spiders, but I didn't want them to get bitten, so I didn't let them get close enough to attack. I finally got the first one in a cup with a lid and filled that sucker up with the bug spray. That worked! Then I saw the second one and about died, myself. It ended up under a cup eventually, too, and met Mr. Shoe. Thanks for the suggestions, though - they made me laugh!

By oops123 - 16/07/2012 14:38 - United States

Today, my neighbors are moving. As we were saying our goodbyes, their 12-year-old son approached and thanked me for the times I forgot to shut the blinds and he watched me change. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 265

You deserved it 29 402

By bobin - 29/08/2011 17:17 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend kept falling asleep while he was at my house with me. I tried to have sex with him to help wake him up, but he said he was too tired and fell back asleep. Five minutes later, my friend walks in the room with food. He woke up from the smell and got up to get some for himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 325

You deserved it 6 327

This week's illustrated FML

By soooglam - 12/11/2015 02:35 - France

Today, I announced my pregnancy to my boss. I was expecting all sorts of reactions, except, "But... Erm... How did that happen?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 586

You deserved it 63

By sad child - 27/08/2011 07:45 - United States

Today, I went to my doctor for a check-up. It started with the doctor lifting my shirt up to check my heartbeat, and ended with my gran starting a fistfight over his "perverted ways." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 784

You deserved it 2 714

Jealousy

By jake - 11/01/2021 02:02 - United States - Denver

Today, my girlfriend demanded that I delete all my female contacts or she’d set my stuff on fire. Yes, that includes my mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 129

You deserved it 264

By Anonymous - 10/05/2019 16:00

Today, the guy I've been talking to for two months told me he hooked up with a girl last night, before blocking me on everything. I also was with him last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 922

You deserved it 206

Lost

By frenchienyx - 13/05/2019 00:00

Today, I was in Brooklyn for a meeting. I parked my car but my iPhone didn’t save my location. Where is my car? Called NYPD. No car towed. I had to walk 3 hours in the rain to find it thanks to the “Panic” button. So glad I found my car, but the “Loud Panic” button didn’t want to stop for an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 006

You deserved it 2 117

By Foosa801 - 25/12/2016 23:08 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I woke up my friend and had him take me to the ER. I had trouble breathing and my chest hurt, so the doctor put me on an EKG and took X-rays. I had strained my chest lifting weights at the gym earlier that day and pulled a muscle, and now thanks to my massive anxiety I have a $700 hospital bill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 356

You deserved it 1 974

By Anonymous - 11/05/2009 17:14 - Canada

Today, after a long day of working on my feet, I came home looking forward to soaking my aching feet in a foot spa. When I was pulling the machine out of a closet, it slipped and came crashing down on my feet. It broke. So did three of my toes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 108

You deserved it 4 443

The Other Woman

By Anonymous - 27/01/2021 14:01

Today, I found out that my boyfriend’s other girlfriend is pregnant. He doesn’t know that I know. A few days ago he told me that he couldn't have a baby with anyone. She has to be the right one, I guess I wasn’t. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 005

You deserved it 234

By heshay - 28/10/2010 04:27 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was seated in my section at work. As he sees me his face drops... he's on a date. He had forgotten I work there. I had to serve him and his date, and they didn't leave a tip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 794

You deserved it 3 555

By Alisterine - 24/08/2014 17:31 - United States - Chesterfield

Today, I had to flush someone else's shit in the public washroom at work. It was so vile, I didn't want to get anywhere near it, so flushed it with my foot, only for it to slip off the handle and into the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 254

You deserved it 14 650

Chunks

By Anonymous - 08/05/2009 20:02 - United States

Today, I learned that no matter how much you assume that the crunchy bits in a bag of crisps are in fact crisps, you will occasionally find that your assumptions are wrong. Beetles just don't have the same appeal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 536

You deserved it 5 886

Oh, hai Mark!

By SHAME! - 20/05/2019 16:02

Today, I ran into an attractive friend of a friend I hadn't seen since a night out last month. I tried my best to be friendly and interesting, but he still seemed awkward. Later I found out that the last time he saw me I was blind drunk and vomiting after having propositioned him all evening. FML

I agree, your life sucks 974

You deserved it 2 057

By haileelouxxx - 22/08/2014 12:05 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my boss slapped me across the face with a raw chicken breast. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 647

You deserved it 5 434

By Anonymous - 25/10/2010 00:36 - Australia

Spicy

Today, I found out my girlfriend only gets aroused after watching Jersey Shore and will only have sex immediately after an episode. I think the worst part is, I'll take what I can get. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 212

You deserved it 6 071

It's the thought that counts…

By Charlatan126 - 03/02/2021 11:00 - United States - Hilliard

Today, I finally had a man say, "I love you" to me in a sincere tone. It was a customer, who was high, over the phone. I said it back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 871

You deserved it 165

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Today, my dad posted on Facebook, apologizing to anyone he'd texted the night before. He said he'd gotten wasted and didn't mean anything he said. So much for that first ever "I'm proud of you" then. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 849

You deserved it 1 834

Today, my paranoid wreck of a girlfriend read a text message on my phone from a woman asking if I was coming over for dinner. The woman was my mom. My girlfriend stormed out and hasn't answered my calls all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 374

You deserved it 4 126

Today I asked my mother-in-law to borrow a plunger, so she asked what I needed it for. "Poop," I replied. "I've told you this before," she huffed, "you have to poop a little and then flush, poop a little and flush. You can't go all at once." I can't even shit right for this woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 435

You deserved it 559

Today, my bartender noticed my new haircut before my live-in boyfriend did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 940

You deserved it 222

Today, my boss was hosting some client representatives for a meeting and had offered to buy everyone lunch. The "healthy" place he's ordering from made me sick last time, so I'd politely opted out. At lunch, the reps glared at me in the meeting room as I ate my homemade chili con carne. Turns out they're all vegans. FML

I agree, your life sucks 573

You deserved it 160

Today, I got stuck in an elevator with a stranger. We made awkward small talk until the elevator started smelling like something was burning. Turns out, the elevator was overheating. We had to spend 30 minutes stuck there, and I learned way too much about this guy’s weird foot fungus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 401

You deserved it 62