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By Anonymous - 11/05/2009 17:14 - Canada

Today, after a long day of working on my feet, I came home looking forward to soaking my aching feet in a foot spa. When I was pulling the machine out of a closet, it slipped and came crashing down on my feet. It broke. So did three of my toes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 099

You deserved it 4 443

The Other Woman

By Anonymous - 27/01/2021 14:01

Today, I found out that my boyfriend’s other girlfriend is pregnant. He doesn’t know that I know. A few days ago he told me that he couldn't have a baby with anyone. She has to be the right one, I guess I wasn’t. FML

I agree, your life sucks 993

You deserved it 232

By heshay - 28/10/2010 04:27 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was seated in my section at work. As he sees me his face drops... he's on a date. He had forgotten I work there. I had to serve him and his date, and they didn't leave a tip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 787

You deserved it 3 550

By J…… - 24/11/2009 18:45 - United Kingdom

Today, I watched Paranormal Activity, which is known to be "the scariest film ever." After the film, I went to brush my teeth and out of the corner of my eye I saw the bathroom door closing by itself. I jumped out of my skin and stabbed myself in the eye with my toothbrush. It was just my dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 631

You deserved it 35 509

Was it worth it?

By Anonymous - 11/04/2022 15:00 - Ireland

Today, as I was excited to celebrate our second anniversary, I paid for my girlfriend's three hour trip down and dinner, only for her to come over, break up with me, and then leave. Her Instagram story later read, "Don't let anything spoil your mood." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 098

You deserved it 102

Chunks

By Anonymous - 08/05/2009 20:02 - United States

Today, I learned that no matter how much you assume that the crunchy bits in a bag of crisps are in fact crisps, you will occasionally find that your assumptions are wrong. Beetles just don't have the same appeal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 529

You deserved it 5 883

Oh, hai Mark!

By SHAME! - 20/05/2019 16:02

Today, I ran into an attractive friend of a friend I hadn't seen since a night out last month. I tried my best to be friendly and interesting, but he still seemed awkward. Later I found out that the last time he saw me I was blind drunk and vomiting after having propositioned him all evening. FML

I agree, your life sucks 973

You deserved it 2 053

By Anonymous - 25/10/2010 00:36 - Australia

Spicy

Today, I found out my girlfriend only gets aroused after watching Jersey Shore and will only have sex immediately after an episode. I think the worst part is, I'll take what I can get. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 202

You deserved it 6 071

By Anonymous - 27/06/2012 20:01

Today, I used a red-eye removal tool on one of my photos. I quickly realised how bad my acne is when the software couldn't distinguish between my eyes and cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 377

You deserved it 2 930

It's the thought that counts…

By Charlatan126 - 03/02/2021 05:00 - United States - Hilliard

Today, I finally had a man say, "I love you" to me in a sincere tone. It was a customer, who was high, over the phone. I said it back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 863

You deserved it 165

Caught in 4K

By Anonymous - 09/07/2023 22:00

Spicy

Today, my dad went on a rant about how police are scum, timewasters, corrupt arseholes, and a waste of taxpayer money. I’m a police officer, and I’d had to pull him over because he was swerving all over the road while getting road head from a woman who was not my mother, to whom he is still married to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 580

You deserved it 179

By FANZZY - 18/08/2014 16:29 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I learned that when someone is choking you don't do the "hymen maneuver", you do the "heimlich maneuver". I was corrected by my girlfriend's parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 275

You deserved it 16 316

By Anonymous - 14/08/2011 19:32 - United States

Today, I walked in on my mom ranting on about what a useless bitch I am. She was talking to my cat. It's not the first time this has happened, either. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 526

You deserved it 4 000

By Anonymous - 16/08/2014 02:16 - Australia - Notting Hill

Today, my boyfriend told me he loved me. I asked why, and he said, "Because sometimes you look good, and you buy me stuff." FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 986

You deserved it 7 254

Shitty situation

By thatguythere858 - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I woke up with a foul stench forcing its way up my nostrils. It turns out our septic tank broke, and is now leaking into our backyard, and sadly, our basement. I live in the basement. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 106

You deserved it 2 857

By Anonymous - 21/10/2010 08:21 - United States

Today, after soccer practice I was looking for my dad. Last night he was an hour late, so I was pretty pissed. When I spotted him, I saw him flirting with a much younger woman. I then tried throwing my soccer ball to his feet, but ended up slamming his head. Only to find out he wasn't my dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 790

You deserved it 38 638

By maryrain - 11/08/2011 09:35 - United States

Today, was the first day of my sophomore year. While receiving my schedule, I burst into tears at the sight of a disfigured midget. I'm now seen as the school bitch for making fun of a midget. I have a genuine fear of midgets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 581

You deserved it 45 014

maryrain tells us more.

maryrain 0

Friday 12 August 2011 0:12

I'm not saying that all midgets are disfigured. what I meant was that that particular person has an actual disfigured face. And yes, I do have a legitimate reason for my fear. I don't feel inclined to share that reason because then all of the people who already believe I was being an ass will still not agree with me. the last thing I wanted to do was hurt/insult her.

Animated movies

By Penny - 18/01/2020 20:00

Today, at work, I was discussing animated movies with a male senior who's got kids. I was trying to refer to Zootopia but couldn't remember the name. I went, "Zoo, zoo... filia?" Silence. It wasn't until I got home an hour later that I realized what I said. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 658

You deserved it 479

By Anonymous - 10/08/2014 18:12 - United Kingdom - Ilminster

Today, I babysat a 6-year-old boy for the first time. When I said it was his bedtime, he just screamed "Eat a dick!" at me. I was so shocked, all I could do was leave him be. When his parents returned, I had to make up an excuse for why he was still awake and watching TV, to save my pride. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 318

You deserved it 10 053

Ouchies

By Ouch - 01/06/2019 16:00

Today, I learned that bees like to get out of the hot sun, too. And that they do this by crawling into people's bed sheets. I also learned that these bees don't like it when you go to lay down in your own bed. They don't like it at all. Now it hurts to put weight on my right butt cheek. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 792

You deserved it 347

By lonethong15 - 08/08/2014 22:53 - United States - Dallas

Today, my boyfriend told me he likes to do things the old-fashioned way, and that he wouldn't propose to me without my father's blessing. My dad died 3 years ago, and he knows it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 809

You deserved it 3 917

By whymyroomthough - 06/08/2014 22:18 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I woke up because of a weird noise. Scared, I turned on my bedside lamp. I saw my older, 17-year-old brother peeing in my bedroom doorway. He was hoping I'd step in it in the morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 227

You deserved it 3 235

One night stand

By Anonymous - 14/10/2010 02:12 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I woke up in bed with no pillows. I think the guy I slept with stole them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 080

You deserved it 17 645

By stubblebutt - 13/11/2009 12:17 - Australia

Today, my date arrived far earlier than expected to pick me up. Apparently my mother decided to show him to my room anyway. When the door swung open, I happened to be butt naked in front of the mirror, trying to pick out an ingrown hair on my bum. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 782

You deserved it 6 000

By Yeppets - 27/07/2014 18:44 - United States

Today, I went to a comedy show with my mom, and they asked the audience members to yell out their problems as ideas for an improv skit. My mom yelled, "My daughter can't get a boyfriend!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 177

You deserved it 4 857

By Alohaporno - 03/08/2011 18:31 - Canada

Spicy

Today, my father described my method of hiding porn on the computer as "extremely naive." I don't know what's worse, that he found my porn or that he's better at hiding his. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 405

You deserved it 32 247

TMI dude, TMI

By Lockie - 28/04/2009 09:44 - Australia

Spicy

Today, while at work in a subscription TV call center, a 71 year-old male customer went into explicit detail about the "adults only" programming that he enjoys, including all the kinky things he learns from said programming, and tries out on his 70 year-old wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 73 044

You deserved it 6 532

By k…… - 09/06/2012 21:35 - United Kingdom - Telford

Today, while driving home from work, I noticed the driver next to me was happily chatting on her phone. I fucking despise these would-be murderers, so I slammed my horn to signal my disgust. She panicked and swerved straight into my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 566

You deserved it 64 602

By kiwi - 11/11/2009 22:10 - United States

Today, I realized that the most romantic thing that my boyfriend and I have done in the last month is comb lice out of each other's hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 652

You deserved it 11 485

Funnel

By udnrizh - 08/10/2010 02:58 - United States

Today, I got a weird feeling about the account balance in my savings account. Turns out my fiancé has been using my account to order random items whenever he likes. This account is my savings for college tuition and related expenses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 468

You deserved it 5 386

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The Top

The Top

Today, I was not yet wearing my bouncer uniform when a fight broke out at a club. I intervened, only to have the cops who showed up tase me because they thought I was part of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 608

You deserved it 4 675

Today, I brought my best friend to my uncle's birthday party. We were having a great time until my grandmother walked up to us and said to me, "You sure have a nice looking boyfriend." My friend is a girl. She has cancer and lost all of her hair due to chemotherapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 794

You deserved it 2 412

Today, after three unsuccessful months of trying to make me orgasm, my boyfriend finally succeeded. It came from his car bumping up and down while we drove down a pot-holed road. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 118

You deserved it 6 132

Today, I went to see a certified trauma specialist for my PTSD. I saw her for 35 minutes of my hour-long session because she ran late with the patient before me, and then kicked me out early. Her expert treatment plan? "Just don't think about it." I paid $260 for that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 329

You deserved it 123

Today, my girlfriend and I were walking back to my car after a long day of work. A large SUV had parked next to mine, so I jokingly said to my girlfriend, "What do you think they're compensating for?" That's when the couple behind us unlocked their vehicle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 125

You deserved it 4 397

Today, at 4:00 a.m., I woke up and realized that I had thrown an expensive gift certificate for a friend in the garbage. Since it was garbage day, I ran out in the rain in my pajamas and rifled through all three bags of garbage. Twice. I found the gift certificate. It was in my pocket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 389

You deserved it 59 018