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Lonely days

By beckbr - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I asked a little old lady in line at my work why she wasn't out enjoying the beautiful day with all her friends. Her response, "I'd love to, but they're all dead." FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 407

You deserved it 29 998

By Anonymous - 25/02/2010 00:29 - United States

Today, my roommate brought a kitten to the apartment. I hate cats, and probably sensing this, the thing clawed me right in the crotch. I of course am not going to say a thing because I happen to be in love with my roommate, but she has no clue how much I hate this thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 991

You deserved it 28 116

By hugedissapointment - 09/08/2009 12:43 - United States

Today, I had a girl come over to my house that I had been texting for four days. I asked her what she wanted to do and she replied "take a nap". Becoming really excited I lead her to my bedroom and went to the hiding spot for my condoms, she was serious about the nap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 938

You deserved it 63 675

Oh, hai!

By Anonymous - 25/05/2020 20:00

Today, sleeping in a little late, I was woken up by my phone. Still tired, I quickly checked the display to realize it was my girlfriend calling. I pick up the phone saying, "Hey baby girl!" She seemed pretty startled, so I double-checked and realized it was my new boss, who has the name as my girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 674

You deserved it 558

By anon - 08/12/2012 05:33 - United States

Today, when my boyfriend and I were getting intimate, I got a nose bleed. He gave me a shirt to plug it with and kept going. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 503

You deserved it 5 457

By scaredshitless - 07/08/2009 04:11 - United States

Today, I was taking a serious shit when the light bulb burned out. I am terrified of the dark and began wailing and crying. My mom had to pick the lock and get me out. I'm a 17 year old guy and captain of the Varsity football team. My little brother recorded it and plans on showing everyone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 379

You deserved it 65 449

By dusk - 05/01/2012 08:09 - United States

Today, I won a lifetime supply of pineapples. One problem, I'm allergic to pineapples. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 119

You deserved it 4 312

Served and deserved

By Anonymous - 05/12/2022 22:00 - United States - University Park

Today, my roommate's girlfriend came to visit for a couple of days, and we fucked behind his back. My roommate told me he just tested positive for syphilis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 173

You deserved it 3 971

By Annie - 24/02/2011 06:39 - United States

Today, I went to my son's high school play. The moment I arrived at the auditorium, I shouted out his name to let him know I made it. Thinking I was a student, a teacher yelled, "SHUT UP AND SIT DOWN!" Scared out of my mind, I quickly obeyed, to mass giggling from the kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 947

You deserved it 36 897

By theregoesmyspermcount - 02/08/2009 22:45 - United States

Today, my 250 lb ex-Marine dad announced he was going to start randomly punching me in the crotch, without warning, to "improve my reflexes." FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 882

You deserved it 5 709

Badass

By batter--up - 17/02/2010 02:54 - United States

Today, in a sporting goods store, my mom was over on the other side of the store, when a cute guy came over to talk to me. When she saw this she grabbed a bat, walked over to us and said, "If you ever even look at my daughter again, I will beat you shitless." She was serious. He ran. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 736

You deserved it 2 713

Gummy

By ming - 19/08/2018 14:30

Today, despite being 22 and having near-perfect dental hygiene, I was diagnosed with receding gums and can only eat soft food for the rest of my life. Then the dentist told me that this typically only happens to people over fifty who don’t take care of their teeth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 883

You deserved it 268

Hey! Teachers! Leave those kids alone!

By Anonymous - 24/09/2021 13:58

Today, while grading my kindergarteners' spelling tests, one kid spelled all the words wrong, including his name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 912

You deserved it 196

By Ihavealisp - 16/02/2011 02:32 - United States

Today, I fell down some steps, and my dad laughed at me. He then changed his facebook status to "My kid's an idiot." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 705

You deserved it 7 059

Plans shelved

By Anonymous - 29/07/2009 15:18 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of a year told me he is at the point in his life where he is ready to start a family, get married and have a baby. He also casually stated that he wished he could meet someone he could see himself settling down with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 373

You deserved it 4 266

By Nish - 30/10/2013 00:41 - United States - Kent

Today, I got my cats a new scratching post. They completely ignored it and tore apart the new felt on my pool table. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 192

You deserved it 5 098

By RupeeLink - 27/07/2009 23:33 - United Kingdom

Today, to cheer my girlfriend up after her mother died a week ago, I took her to a comedy club. The comedian's theme for the night happened to be mother-daughter relationships. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 750

You deserved it 8 006

By fmysexlife - 27/07/2009 05:06 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend I was really horny. He then gave me the link to his favorite "porn". He said I should do it for him. It was a youtube video of some girl making a sandwich. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 679

You deserved it 15 456

By black_commet08 - 10/02/2010 05:11 - France

Today, a white guy tried to teach me to use chopsticks properly. I'm Chinese and have been using them since I could eat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 806

You deserved it 4 894

Graded

By df22 - 03/07/2020 20:08

Today, I got my language final exam back. It was a 10-page essay front and back, and I saw that I received a D. The teacher told me the plot was too hard to follow and it jumped all over the place. It turns out he forgot to read the back of every page. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 269

You deserved it 166

By Anonymous - 25/10/2013 04:35 - United States - Grand Prairie

Today, I went to a haunted house with the girl I like, thinking that she would get scared and turn to me for comfort. I ended up running out, and was put on the Wall of Shame. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 747

You deserved it 21 042

Happy Valentine's Day anyway

By Brokenheartz - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend of 6 months told me he was not going to celebrate Valentine's Day because it was a "capitalistic consumerism holiday." He works in a bank and helps "capitalistic consumerism" 364 days a year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 004

You deserved it 5 408

Hold the line

By Anonymous - 06/07/2020 08:02

Today, I discovered that my work's new phone system automatically takes people off hold the very second you pick up the phone. I discovered this after picking up the phone and complaining to my workmates about the annoying customer I had on the line for a full minute, all while he listened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 542

You deserved it 2 650

Technicality

By Dartfrogger - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I announced to my friends that my grandmother is dying. My best friend pulled out his phone and casually announced, "Technically, everyone is dying." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 384

You deserved it 3 066

Office world is hell

By Anonymous - 11/07/2020 14:01

Today, at work I was sitting on the toilet and a coworker came in and yelled, “That sounded like a big one!” and wouldn't leave until I left came out of the stall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 503

You deserved it 144

Abuse

By Anonymous - 13/07/2020 17:01

Today, I was taking Zoom classes. We live in a one-bedroom apartment, which means I could hear my mom and dad fighting. I didn't notice that my mic wasn't muted. Everyone in my class now thinks that CPS needs to be called to my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 908

You deserved it 274

The proof is in the pudding

By Anonymous - 15/10/2021 23:00 - Estonia

Today, I unintentionally came out as bi to my boss. He said he's fine with it and doesn't care either way, only that there is too much "gay propaganda" in the world and it shouldn't be shown and talked about so much. He also doesn't understand why I was reluctant to talk about my sexuality before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 945

You deserved it 472

Testing, testing

By BubbaYoshi117 - 07/01/2020 20:00 - United States - Kirkland

Today, I was refilling my lighter. Afterwards, I gave it a test light. I must've spilled some fluid because my thumb caught on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 450

You deserved it 1 292

By Bacular - 06/02/2010 09:29 - United Kingdom

Today, I started a new job, it was going well until I was asked to stand up and be introduced to a company director. I had a hard on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 180

You deserved it 5 973

Empty gestures

By Anonymous - 16/07/2020 02:01

Today, my boss held a staff meeting to talk about how the Covid-19 pandemic has made us stronger, that all of us are family. Later, my car broke down after work, she drove by, saw me stranded on the road and we made eye contact. I thought she was going to help me, but she drove right on by. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 984

You deserved it 145

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The Top

Today, I went on a date with a guy who told me his main aim in life is to live alone in an isolated lighthouse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 840

You deserved it 1 138

Today, my boyfriend accidentally broke my nose the day he was meeting my parents for the first time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 460

You deserved it 2 427

Today, I needed to pay off a $35 parking ticket. To try and get some sort of revenge, I went to the bank and got 3,500 pennies, dumped them into a bucket, and refused to pay with anything besides the pennies. They called the police. I was arrested and cited $147. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 449

You deserved it 49 188

Today, while riding in the car with my friends, we stopped at a red light. To our left, a very obese, middle aged man slowly unbuttoned his shirt and spread it out. He then stared at us while massaging his nipples with his thumb and index fingers for the duration of the red light. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 006

You deserved it 5 671

Today, I was told I can't renew my Identity Card without a Social Security Card, and I can't get a replacement Social Security Card without an Identity Card. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 448

You deserved it 528

Today, I found a banana peel on the clean floor. My 4-year-old son said that he was playing Spider-Man and trying to slip. I picked it up and while walking to the kitchen garbage can, slipped on the actual banana. I slid across the kitchen floor, fell, and bruised my tailbone. He laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 979

You deserved it 185