Intimacy: Today, my friend stole my phone to call the creepy boy that follows...

By Username - United States

Today, my friend stole my phone to call the creepy boy that follows me around at school. I wouldn't have been so bothered if she hadn't had phone sex with him, all while pretending to be me. He got so into it, he now thinks we're a couple. FML

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Intimacy

Understandable

Sorry…

Thanks for being so compassionate

By Anonymous - Canada - London

Today, even though I'm overweight, I was feeling alright about the way I looked in the historical costume I'm required to wear by my job. A little kid came in and asked me if I was having a baby. Guess I don't look as good as I thought. FML

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By life sucks - United States

Today, I learned my boyfriend has another girlfriend. His excuse is he's bipolar and each of his personalities needs a girlfriend. FML

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46686

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By Anonymous - United States - Watertown

Today, I felt bad about rarely complimenting my mom about her cooking, so during dinner, I raved about her incredible, creamy, macaroni and cheese. It came from a box. FML

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30057

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom walked in on me and my boyfriend having sex. She was completely embarrassed (as was I) and she flew out of the room. My boyfriend, on the other hand, still wanted to finish. FML

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12328

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to visit my alcoholic father. He remembered to ask me how my dog Reggie is, but could not remember the name of "my pal." My "pal" is also my wife of four years. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that my mother has been seeing my maths teacher. I'm still failing his class. FML

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31143

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By Anonymous

Cravings

Today, it's been so long since my wife has been interested in me intimately, I became aroused when a woman touched my arm while talking to me. FML

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2300

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By Cygnus - United States - Ruthven

Today, I responded to an argument with my girlfriend by only using comebacks she'd used in previous arguments. I'm single now. FML

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By bad karma - United States

Today, I was so hungry that I literally stole candy from a baby. FML

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By overly nationalistic redneck - Norway - Ytre Arna

Today, after recently complaining that the reality show "The Great Norway Adventure" portrays us as a country of nationalistic rednecks, I saw my drunk dad chasing my uncle on a tractor while bellowing the national anthem at the top of his lungs. FML

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By messy jessy - 7/9/2020 11:01 - United States

Who's there?

Today, I was on FaceTime with my sister. She remarked that my living room was a mess, and that she didn’t know how I kept a man with a place like that. I retorted, “He’s not with me for how well I can clean, when I can polish his knob like a marble floor!” I had no idea my dad was off camera. FML

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By itsnotyouitsme - United States - San Francisco

Today, after breaking up with my boyfriend of 2 years, I was backing out of his driveway when he came running out yelling "STOP!" I thought he wanted to make up so I kept going, until I'd run over his dog. FML

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By KMilly - United States

Today, I rolled down the windows in my car. When I tried to roll up the passenger side window, it was stuck. Rain was coming so I freaked out and brought it to the dealership to get it fixed. The man pushed the child safety lock button and the entire garage erupted in laughter. FML

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By Bottomless_Pit_for_the_NOMS - 23/9/2020 10:01 - United States - Miami

That homely smell

Today, my mother had just got home and we were both in the kitchen. She then starts to get out food and I smelled deviled eggs. Delighted, I asked, "Do I smell deviled eggs?" She turned around laughing and announced she'd farted. I effectively got hungry from my mother’s fart. FML

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1135

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out that my 8-year-old daughter somehow learned how babies are made. Sort of. I found this out when we had the open house at her school where she meets her new teachers. When one teacher asked where she was from, she replied, "My daddy's balls." FML

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By awkward.. - Canada - Nanaimo

Today, my boyfriend complimented me on how he liked my freckles down below. I didn't have the heart to tell him that they were just razor rash. FML

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By negin

Today, my neighbors got a rooster. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/12/2020 05:02 - United States - Pittsburgh

Hedging your bets

Today, I realized I've been avoiding a doctor's visit for issues, because it might be less painful to go out that way than to see how much more a crapshoot 2021 would be. FML

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640

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By nofriends - United States

Today, after going to T-Mobile thinking my phone won't receive texts, I found out that my phone is perfectly fine, my friends just don't text me back. FML

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By GogurtBadass - United States - Olympia

Today, I accidentally punched myself in the mouth while eating a Go-Gurt. I was eating it because I'd just had my wisdom teeth removed. FML

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45570

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By - France

Today, my 10-year-old brother won the poem contest at his school. Since then he won’t stop bugging me with them. FML

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By bowler99 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my little brother walked in on me and my girlfriend having sex and threatened to tell my parents. I paid him $30 to keep quiet. 15 minutes later he told them. FML

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39136

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By Anonymous - Australia - Perth

Today, something in my shoe was bothering me at work. After about 30 minutes, I finally had a chance to fix it. There was a squashed lizard in my shoe. FML

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4818

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By :( - United States

Today, I invited over my best friend, whom I've loved for over a year, since she had to tell me "something important". I got excited and thought she was going to tell me she loved me too. She ended up coming out to me, and wanted to know if I would meet her girlfriend. FML

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By Geese Ahoy - United States - Elizabeth

Today, I was reading on a park bench not far from a grassy spot and a pond. A flock of geese landed on the grassy patch and began to eat some grass. I thought that I may be bothering the geese, but decided if I left them alone, they'd leave me alone as well. I was wrong. Geese are assholes. FML

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By jack - United Kingdom - London

Today, due to medication I am taking that causes constipation, I have become all too accustomed to using a disposable rubber glove to dig crap out of my own butthole. FML

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27067

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By Anonymous - 7/11/2020 20:01

Big lad

Today, I admit I’m a bit of a big lad, but I never knew how big until I was desperate for a shit so I sat on, and broke, a toilet, flooding the bathroom, at my girlfriend's parents house, the very first time I met them. FML

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By Ethan - Australia

Today, I was having birthday dinner with my girlfriend and her parents, when her Dad asked what I got her she replied "He said he was going to give me a Pearl Necklace when we get home." I realized then that my girlfriend did not know what I meant by 'Pearl Necklace.' FML

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By speechless - Canada

Gummy

Today, I had a toothache and applied some numbing gel to soothe the pain. Too much came out and made my whole mouth numb. A man came into my work, thought I was making fun of his lisp, and stormed out really upset. He later called to complain about me. The boss just called me to his office. FML

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By Brian - United States - Sandston

Today, I was at my girlfriend's house having dinner with her and her parents. I was casually playing footsie with my girlfriend under the table, until her mom stopped eating and said, "You know that's my foot, right?" FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden

Today, my girlfriend who lives in China contacted me and told me she'd been harassed by a guy and was thinking about pressing charges. The guy is someone I know from college - he promised me he would say "hi" to her for me while he was in Shanghai. FML

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By Sadman - Canada

Today, my mother and girlfriend were joking around and talking about the embarrassing things I've done. After they'd had a lengthly conversation, my girlfriend mentions "And he always farts during sex." FML

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By 1234 - United States - Lutz

Today, when I turned on the TV, there was a picture of a wanted murderer. The picture looked just like my boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - La Marque

Today, my boyfriend called me anti-social. To prove him wrong I texted one of my friends. She texted back, "Who's this??" FML

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24537

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By Anonymous - Bulgaria - Sofia

Today, my son finally got a job for the first time in his life. He only did it so he can upgrade his PC and buy Overwatch. He's 24. FML

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By Alexa23 - United States

Today, I got out of the shower and my 3 year old sister comes into the bathroom and says "I want big boobies like yours when I grow up." And from the other room I hear my dad go "Sweetie, you've already got bigger boobs than your sister." FML

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130994

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By mildver - Costa Rica

First Dates

Today, I went to a date with a girl I thought liked me. We sat down at a restaurant, ordered some food and started talking. After 30 minutes, she said with a sigh of relief, "THANK GOD! There's my dad. Now I can leave. Bye, thanks for the dinner." The food hadn't even arrived yet. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland

I heard that

Today, I organised a romantic day trip for me and my boyfriend to some tropical gardens. I packed lunch and paid for the tickets. He decided to bring a friend, who doesn't speak English. The only thing that he said that I understood was that, "Your girlfriend eats a lot." FML

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By DrugsRX - United States - Winder

Today, for the second day in a row, I was constantly abused, yelled at, insulted, and berated by my wife for "endangering our child's life." I took her to the doctor for a vaccination and flu shot yesterday. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Bradford

Today, I got run over. Not by a car, but by a lady in a wheelchair. Am I really that invisible? FML

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Top comments

By kamikrazy | 6

#2251329 - Sunday 27 March 2011 23:50

Do the same thing to her.

By Wuuper | 0

#2251361 - Sunday 27 March 2011 23:52

nice friend

COMMENTS

By xXDubbleChic | 11

#2251294 - Sunday 27 March 2011 23:47

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

KaySL | 24

#2251337 - Sunday 27 March 2011 23:50

Yeah, totally, by which I mean: shit into a toilet, rather than the comments section, you raging dumbass.

I_R_Genius | 3

#2251396 - Sunday 27 March 2011 23:55

Another bites the dust eh Kay?

VorpikeII | 17

#2251455 - Monday 28 March 2011 0:01

unfortunately I think your up next.

xXDubbleChic | 11

#2252116 - Monday 28 March 2011 1:48

wow r so cool.. -.-

xXDubbleChic | 11

#2252134 - Monday 28 March 2011 1:50

*ur

A7X_LoVeee | 10

#2252218 - Monday 28 March 2011 2:05

I believe it's you're.

IStoleTheCookies | 16

#2252440 - Monday 28 March 2011 2:56

^I also believe that.

JoshTheMaggot | 8

#2252536 - Monday 28 March 2011 3:20

I believe I can fly..

sarahgrace4 | 0

#2252634 - Monday 28 March 2011 3:39

stalkers are fun hahaha

zendaddy0 | 0

#2253096 - Monday 28 March 2011 5:09

well your in a *puts on sunglasses* sticky situation yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

chadcat | 1

#2253350 - Monday 28 March 2011 5:49

nice 51.

MoJu88 | 0

#2253442 - Monday 28 March 2011 6:01

bitch.

unkhammun | 5

#2253954 - Monday 28 March 2011 7:22

i believe i'm Robocop.

jeffav51 | 0

#2254200 - Monday 28 March 2011 8:10

85, your mom is

justalilrandom2 | 4

#2254490 - Monday 28 March 2011 10:02

79 as much as I love a Horatio joke it has no place here, don't just reply on the first comment to get yours up to the top.

I still liked I though...

justalilrandom2 | 4

#2254560 - Monday 28 March 2011 11:00

"I still liked it though..."

TheFlyingMan | 8

#2255053 - Monday 28 March 2011 13:21

"though..."

PSQ91 | 6

#2255103 - Monday 28 March 2011 13:32

"though"

justalilrandom2 | 4

#2255149 - Monday 28 March 2011 13:40

Why is that in quotes?

FunkkmasterFlex | 0

#2266475 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 8:40

cuz the other guy said sunglasses in quotessss

Scoty12C | 6

#2445797 - Monday 2 May 2011 16:52

#1 You have beautiful eyes.

By kamikrazy | 6

#2251329 - Sunday 27 March 2011 23:50

Do the same thing to her.

chester75 | 5

#2251943 - Monday 28 March 2011 1:10

shit I had a stalker once it was so freaken creepy. constant texting,calling my house at random times during the day, and leaving notes in my locker. my advise to you is be mean. see I was too nice, be straight forward tell him to get lost and that your friend is the one whose in love with him. killed two birds with one stone.