Intimacy: Today, my friend stole my phone to call the creepy boy that follows...

By Username - United States

Today, my friend stole my phone to call the creepy boy that follows me around at school. I wouldn't have been so bothered if she hadn't had phone sex with him, all while pretending to be me. He got so into it, he now thinks we're a couple. FML

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Intimacy

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By Matt - Australia - Tyabb

Today, I went to my girlfriend's house to break up with her. It was a hard decision and both of us became quite emotionally overwhelmed at the time. We began to hug as a final goodbye, then her mum burst in the room and yelled, "HE FINALLY PROPOSED!" FML

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By somethingblue - United States - Lowell

Today, it's my wedding day. Almost a year ago I was in a terrible car accident that nearly left me paralyzed, but I worked my ass off to be able to walk down the aisle. After a lot of blood, sweat, and tears I made it to the big day... and woke up with food poisoning. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Nanaimo

Today, I started my job as a driving instructor. My first client showed up piss drunk. FML

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By thanatophobia - France

Today, my deranged co-worker sent me a text message containing a picture that she just took of her uncle. It was his funeral. FML

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By Imwalkinghere - United States

Today, while I was walking to class, I was hit by a car. The driver stopped to let me cross in front of her, started moving again, hit me, and then yelled at me, saying it was my fault for walking in front of her. FML

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By Poem - United States

Today, I spent hours delicately writing out what seemed to be a beautiful poem to my girlfriend. After I sent it to her, I kept eyeing my phone to see her surprised message. No, my only response was "you may want to use a spellcheck." FML

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By Cashier - United States

Today, at the end of my shift with a long line of customers, the older woman I was checking out calmly said, "You should take a minute to fix your hair dear, we have all been talking about it while we waited." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I had to perform with my Orchestra at an event. I hadn't eaten at all because I had to get my blood sugar tested. During the middle of a song I passed out. No one helped me and no one stopped playing "because the song wasn't over and they didn't want to ruin the performance." FML

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By badhairday - United States

Today, after months of her begging me, I let my girlfriend cut my hair for the first time. It turned out so badly that we are now "taking a break until it looks normal again." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my girlfriend and I were outside tanning in the sun. I asked her if she could put some sunscreen on my back. Thinking it would be funny, she used the lotion to write "I Love Little Boys". I work as a children's swimming instructor. FML

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By livingonmyownfromnowon - United States - Olivehurst

Today, after evicting my roommate for excessively not abiding by the lease agreements, he thought he could get back at me by sending me a video of my sister giving him head. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I turned 23. I had asked my mom for some things to decorate my new place. As I opened the box to reveal my gift, a mirror was inside. I liked the mirror. I did not like the note attached that said "Look inside the mirror to see who is now 100% financially responsible for themselves." FML

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By Ashley - United States - Bellerose

Today, I spent my entire paycheck on a new summer wardrobe. I then left my shopping bags on the train. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Ajax

Today, I discovered that my male coworker, who coincidentally shares my last name, has been telling everyone we're married. I'm 26; he's 58. FML

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By Chin... uh.... - United States - Phoenix

Today, I've learned two things. One, my Chinese cousins don't know much about the USA, and two, they now believe it's proper manners to shout, "FREEEEDOM" before ending a call with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12711

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By Saddoc - Australia - Dalkeith

Today, I attended an elderly patient's funeral. He died of a heart attack after his daughter, as his carer, stopped all of his meds in favour of a half-cup of garlic a day. Apparently she'd "read an article" about the healing power of garlic, which trumped my 6-year degree. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Levelland

Today, after I gave birth to our first child, my husband looked at the doctor and seriously asked, "When do you circumcise the baby?" We had a baby girl. FML

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By sdfsdf - United States

Today, I went to contest a parking ticket in court. I came out 3 hours later, all charges clear, to a new parking ticket on my windshield, for the same amount I just got cleared. FML

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By Anon O'Mous - United States

Today, I was taking a shower at the gym when hearing a loud popping noise. Surprised and startled, I jumped and slipped, hitting my head against the shower wall that left a small gash. The pop noise was just someone blowing bubbles from their gum. FML

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By Bacon0426 - United States - Skaneateles

Today, in honor of America's birthday, my 50-year-old father decided to light off homemade bombs without telling anyone. The screams of me and my family members were louder than the bombs. FML

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By dogwheels - United Kingdom

Today, I had to sit and listen to my co-worker moan about how early he has to get up tomorrow to go on his ski holiday in France over Christmas. He also complained about how tiring skiing is. FML

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By FMAhole - Australia - Brisbane

Today, while at the office, a surprise Valentine's gift arrived for me, the first I've ever received. It was a box of heart-shaped cookies. From my mother. I'm 39. FML

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By kawaiixalice - United States

Today, I needed to job shadow someone for my winter break career project. Not finding someone to take me along to their job, my mom suggested shadowing my dad. Not wanting to hurt his feelings, I went with him. All day I sat and helped him test human poop samples for parasites. Some was diarrhea. FML

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By Anonymous - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, my girlfriend accused me of cheating after she read some of my messages I sent to an old female friend. Apparently I'm very flirty with her. I showed her the same kind of messages that I sent to my guy friends as well. Now I'm apparently gay and cheating. FML

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By melimelo24 - Australia - Clayton

Today, I watched my daughter squealing with delight in front of a video game. Beating a boss? Slaying an adversary? Completing a quest? Not at all. She was chasing birds, making them fly away, then starting all over again as soon as they landed. She's 19. FML

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By unlucky - Hong Kong - Central District

Today, I thought it'd be fun to kick open one of those unisex bathrooms in my workplace. I'm not sure who was more surprised, me or my boss who was in there taking a dump. FML

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By single - United States - Hurricane

Today, my ex boyfriend got married to the girl he told me was his sister. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my best friend decided to admit to me that he and my girlfriend have been cheating behind my back for the past two months. The reason he finally admitted it? Because she is now cheating on him with another one of our friends. FML

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By ducklover1 - Canada - Mississauga

Today, I got to see a waterfall up close. Too bad it was in my bedroom. FML

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By ChloeisaDoll

Today, I was told I have a brother… By a stranger in a parking lot, while leaving my grandfather's wake. FML

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By Perpetually F-ed. - United States

Today, my younger brother and my parents were in my dorm room. When I wasn't looking, my brother opened the top drawer of my dresser (where I had a tube of half-used lube) and asked out loud: "What's Astroglide?" FML

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By ak - United States

Today, I was laying with my girlfriend on the couch. I looked at her and says "You're so beautiful. How did I ever get you?" She replied, "I was drunk." FML

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By raven_teen_titan - United States

Today, my dog wanted to go upstairs, but she has stitches and was having trouble. So I carried her to the top, at which point she peed all over my carpet. FML

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24546

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By has an old monitor - Germany - Berlin

Today, the family computer's 15-year-old CRT monitor which gives me headaches finally stopped working. My dad quickly found a replacement: an even older CRT monitor that gives me worse headaches. FML

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By stinkyhair - United States

Today, thanks to some asshole with a padlock, I got trapped in porta potty for over an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks

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By Anonymous - United States - El Paso

Today, I, for some reason, was talking to my mom about money. I jokingly said that the reason we're short on cash is because of her internet porn addiction. She replied, with a straight face, "How did you know?" I'm still not sure if she's joking or not. FML

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By edulover - United States

Today, my mom duly informed me I'm the reason people have middle fingers. FML

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By neighbor - Australia - Mosman

Today, I was helping my elderly neighbor carry her groceries into her kitchen. When I finished, she sighed and said, "You're such a sweet girl. It's just a shame about your face." FML

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51784

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By (L) - United States - Athens

Today, I was studying in my university library when I noticed an attractive boy sitting alone four tables ahead of me. I wrote down my phone number, scrunched it into a ball, and threw it at him. He looked up, opened it, scrunched it up, and threw it back. FML

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2732

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By Thanksmom - United States - Riverside

Today, my mom yelled at me for going through her closet for some warmer clothes. She had a rant about taking her clothes without her permission, all while wearing a pair of my boots and one of my sweaters. FML

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Top comments

By kamikrazy | 6

#2251329 - Sunday 27 March 2011 23:50

Do the same thing to her.

By Wuuper | 0

#2251361 - Sunday 27 March 2011 23:52

nice friend

COMMENTS

By xXDubbleChic | 11

#2251294 - Sunday 27 March 2011 23:47

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

KaySL | 24

#2251337 - Sunday 27 March 2011 23:50

Yeah, totally, by which I mean: shit into a toilet, rather than the comments section, you raging dumbass.

I_R_Genius | 3

#2251396 - Sunday 27 March 2011 23:55

Another bites the dust eh Kay?

VorpikeII | 17

#2251455 - Monday 28 March 2011 0:01

unfortunately I think your up next.

xXDubbleChic | 11

#2252116 - Monday 28 March 2011 1:48

wow r so cool.. -.-

xXDubbleChic | 11

#2252134 - Monday 28 March 2011 1:50

*ur

A7X_LoVeee | 10

#2252218 - Monday 28 March 2011 2:05

I believe it's you're.

IStoleTheCookies | 16

#2252440 - Monday 28 March 2011 2:56

^I also believe that.

JoshTheMaggot | 8

#2252536 - Monday 28 March 2011 3:20

I believe I can fly..

sarahgrace4 | 0

#2252634 - Monday 28 March 2011 3:39

stalkers are fun hahaha

zendaddy0 | 0

#2253096 - Monday 28 March 2011 5:09

well your in a *puts on sunglasses* sticky situation yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

chadcat | 1

#2253350 - Monday 28 March 2011 5:49

nice 51.

MoJu88 | 0

#2253442 - Monday 28 March 2011 6:01

bitch.

unkhammun | 5

#2253954 - Monday 28 March 2011 7:22

i believe i'm Robocop.

jeffav51 | 0

#2254200 - Monday 28 March 2011 8:10

85, your mom is

justalilrandom2 | 4

#2254490 - Monday 28 March 2011 10:02

79 as much as I love a Horatio joke it has no place here, don't just reply on the first comment to get yours up to the top.

I still liked I though...

justalilrandom2 | 4

#2254560 - Monday 28 March 2011 11:00

"I still liked it though..."

TheFlyingMan | 8

#2255053 - Monday 28 March 2011 13:21

"though..."

PSQ91 | 6

#2255103 - Monday 28 March 2011 13:32

"though"

justalilrandom2 | 4

#2255149 - Monday 28 March 2011 13:40

Why is that in quotes?

FunkkmasterFlex | 0

#2266475 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 8:40

cuz the other guy said sunglasses in quotessss

Scoty12C | 6

#2445797 - Monday 2 May 2011 16:52

#1 You have beautiful eyes.

By kamikrazy | 6

#2251329 - Sunday 27 March 2011 23:50

Do the same thing to her.

chester75 | 5

#2251943 - Monday 28 March 2011 1:10

shit I had a stalker once it was so freaken creepy. constant texting,calling my house at random times during the day, and leaving notes in my locker. my advise to you is be mean. see I was too nice, be straight forward tell him to get lost and that your friend is the one whose in love with him. killed two birds with one stone.