Today, my five year old son decided to move all my stuffed animals...

By lolzboss - 7/3/2011 19:04 - United States

Today, my five year old son decided to move all my stuffed animals I have around the house, into sex positions and massive orgies. What have I been teaching my son lately? FML

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Intimacy

You can't win sometimes

Crowded House

Time don't heal nothing

By newlyengaged - 8/1/2017 18:11 - United States - Atlanta

Today, my mother excitedly jumped up and down, announcing that one of her sweet younger coworkers got engaged. I wished she'd had the same reaction to my engagement when I announced it to her a few days earlier. FML

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By nekogirl15 - 27/10/2011 01:38 - United States

Today, I convinced my best friend to talk to the guy I like at work to find out if he was interested in me. She came back ten minutes later, and told me he said he'd never be able to date me. Apparently, kissing me "would be like making out with Mother Teresa's corpse." FML

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By Anonymous - 2/10/2010 01:52 - United States

Today, my friends are going to see "The Social Network". They talked about it all through dinner, even though I was sitting right there and I hadn't been invited. When I asked about it, one of them said, "You wouldn't be interested", presumably because I don't use Facebook. He doesn't either. FML

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By Alex Kiwi - 2/4/2020 20:00

Preemptive strike

Today, I grounded my son for vaping. However, the coronavirus has already grounded all of us. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/12/2009 02:37 - United States

Today, I would rather pound to porn than have sex with my wife, because trying to get her in the mood is too much hassle. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/8/2016 18:01 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, my car broke down in the middle of nowhere. I walked about 3 miles to the nearest house to call a tow truck. When I got back to where I left my car, it was gone. FML

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By princess - 12/4/2014 21:01 - United States - San Marcos

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting frisky, and I whispered that I love him. He immediately lost his boner, and a few minutes later "remembered" he had to be somewhere else. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/10/2010 21:47 - Canada

Today, I was eating jell-o and was reading a fact website, when I read that gelatin is made from the collagen in cow or pig bones. I'm vegetarian. FML

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By Noname - 12/3/2009 11:09 - Australia

Today, I was on a standing on a crowded bus going home after school. A wriggling 5 year old boy and his mum left the seat to get off the bus. Since no one looked keen to sit on the seat, I did, only to find out that it was covered in pee. FML

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By f - 31/1/2011 05:47

Today, I was attacked by my dad because I got my hair dyed and he thought I was a robber. FML

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By IGOTIT - 5/9/2013 07:24 - United States - Fountain Valley

Today, my boyfriend took me to a very elegant and expensive restaurant to celebrate our anniversary. When it came to the check, I volunteered to pitch in half, which he rejected by saying "I got it". Little did I know was that "I got it" was short for "I got your credit card". FML

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By BadNurse - 11/2/2017 20:00 - United States - Evansville

Today, I learned that the manager I switched jobs to escape 7 months ago will be my new boss. FML

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By Karen - 31/8/2009 14:48 - United Kingdom

Today, I was hurrying for the bus home from work. It was raining and I had my umbrella up. As I hurried by two women, I felt my umbrella hit one of them on the head. I turned to apologise and saw her standing with her hands on her newly bald head. My umbrella had lifted her wig off her head. FML

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By littlegirl - 7/5/2011 04:46 - Canada

Today, I was sitting with my crush at lunch. Trying to flirt, I tried to stare seductively into his eyes while sucking on my straw. I missed. The straw shot straight up my nose, causing me the worst nose bleed of my life. FML

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By CPN - 14/3/2009 14:55 - United States

Today, I was curling my eyelashes in my bathroom and while I was counting to 5 my brother flung open my door. I jumped and ended up ripping out all my eyelashes. Now I have to wait until they grow back. FML

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By Her - 6/11/2009 20:36 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of two years took me out to breakfast. So we were eating and he kept on staring at me like he was thinking of something really important. I thought he was going to say "I Love You". So I told him to "say it already". Turns out he was thinking of a way to dump me. FML

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By saintmichi - 1/2/2010 00:21 - Poland

Today, after a 9 hour train journey through the Polish mountains, I mistook a small black and white cat for a penguin. FML

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By dicedicebaby - 23/3/2015 00:20 - United States - Columbus

Today, I had my 18th birthday party. At midnight, three police officers showed up at my door and asked if they could look around. Were we doing anything bad? Nope. My friends suck at parking. Before they left, the officers said that this was the most toned down party they'd seen in years. FML

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By failedparenting - 7/9/2016 16:44 - United States - Bronx

Today, I figured out why I have been feeling so drowsy and lethargic for the past week. My daughter had been slipping sleeping pills into my coffee as payback for taking her phone away. FML

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By welp, time to become an assassin - 23/6/2013 18:14 - United States - Rowlett

Today, I was playing a video game that required me to hunt a few animals. My mom walked in, saw what I was doing, then went into her psycho vegan mode and started yelling at me. She basically grounded me for "murdering" pixels on a screen. FML

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By psb1990 - 1/9/2018 01:30

Duh.

Today, a guy on the street introduced himself as a photographer with a project about women's feet and asked if he could take a photo of mine. He showed me his Instagram, which looked legitimate at a glance, so I agreed and followed him. Turns out it's a fetish account. FML

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By Braced - 21/2/2010 05:14 - United States

Today, my dad and I were shovelling snow off the roof. I told him I was going to jump off the roof. He told me to go ahead, so I did. He failed to tell me that the snow was packed and wouldn't break my fall. I now have an injured back. He didn't tell me because he didn't think I would actually do it. FML

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By Robert - 28/12/2017 01:30

Today, my girlfriend's mother invited me to her 18th birthday. She lied about her age. I have been screwing a minor for 2 years. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/12/2014 17:20 - United States

Today, I tried to prove to my girlfriend how much I've matured and that our relationship comes before anything else in my life. So I went to delete my character in World of Warcraft. I tried to confirm it, but I couldn't, breaking down in tears instead. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2018 20:30

Today, as a male in his 40s, I went to "mixed" aerobics. I arrived late to find the entire female class had started intensely warming up. Within 5 minutes I pulled a calf muscle and left limping pathetically past a martial arts class. FML

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By cooldude - 1/7/2010 15:19 - United States

Today, I got called a "loser" by an old man wearing pink flip-flops and riding a purple moped. FML

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By Iguana - 12/9/2012 02:35 - Canada - Oromocto

Today, my boyfriend invited me over to "play with his lizard." After excitedly rushing across town, I realized this wasn't a euphemism, he actually bought an Iguana. FML

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By Kitten - 6/9/2018 03:30

Today, my sister smashed a cup on my head because I told her she couldn't borrow one of my necklaces since she lost one and stole another. I was grounded for "antagonizing" her into doing it. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/8/2009 06:06 - United States

Today, I went to a wedding with my family. While the maid of honor was giving her non-heartfelt, three sentence speech, my mom and I started talking about how lame her speech was. When I turned around to look at my mom, I saw the camera recording the speech behind her. FML

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By busybuzzybee - 17/8/2011 00:31 - United States

Today, my asshole of a roommate finally decided to move out. Not only did he take his belongings with him, he took some of mine as well. Including my dog. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/6/2019 22:00

Today, despite all my begging for him to at least be civil, my son started his eulogy at his dad's funeral with the words, “Let me tell you a few things about the bastard in the coffin over there.” It only got worse. FML

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By figcurzyez - 23/5/2016 15:57 - United Kingdom - Harlow

Today, the checkout guy at my local store asked me if I had my hair cut. I answered and started talking about my hair, and he gave me a really weird look. He was talking to his friend, who I hadn't noticed in the queue behind me. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/4/2013 10:29 - France - Paris

Today, my halitosis was so bad that when I blew onto my solution in chemistry class, it reacted. FML

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By Username - 7/6/2011 06:51 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were making out when he sweetly whispered in my ear "it's not gonna suck itself." FML

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By wildthing - 1/7/2009 19:33 - United States

Today, my mother woke me up by saying "Good morning my sexually aggressive daughter. We're going to have an extremely uncomfortable conversation today." Our awkward talk consisted of her telling me that I'm a tease and am going to get raped. Why? She caught me making out with my boyfriend. FML

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By no selfie for me - 16/4/2013 04:08 - United States - Pasadena

Today, I was at the park unsuccessfully trying to take a selfie. A stranger walked up to me and offered to take the picture for me. I agreed and gave him my phone. He took it and ran off. FML

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By owowowow - 24/7/2010 01:30 - Canada

Today, I found out how much it hurts to be shot with a paintball in your open mouth. My mouth was only open to say I was hit. FML

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By anonymous-canada - 7/12/2010 05:28

Today, I was working a midnight shift when a guy came in drunk and was trying to get me to come home with him. I said I had a boyfriend. As I said this, my manager, who has no teeth and B.O, said he was my boyfriend. I will never live this down with my co-workers. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/10/2012 08:38 - United States - Murrieta

Today, I noticed that my penis looks tiny in my girlfriend's hands. Without thinking, I pointed it out to her. Now she thinks I have a small cock, and I think she has man-hands. Either way, we're both turned off. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/8/2011 13:38 - United Kingdom

Today, I walked in on my parents discussing how to kill our cat, and how to make it look like an accident. FML

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Top comments

By memo619 | 0

#2159862 - Monday 7 March 2011 23:10

I think it was the fathers influence

By a_girl_i_know | 0

#2159890 - Monday 7 March 2011 23:13

today's kids know a lot more stuff now than when we were kids, I wouldn't be surprised if he learned it at school.

Comments

By memo619 | 0

#2159862 - Monday 7 March 2011 23:10

I think it was the fathers influence

AsianCookie247 | 14

#2159974 - Monday 7 March 2011 23:49

haha probably!

TayonaC | 10

#2160005 - Tuesday 8 March 2011 0:01

ya I'm sure he'll grow up to be a great well rounded.... stalker

lbeer | 1

#2160019 - Tuesday 8 March 2011 0:12

you guys must be stupid because nowhere on here does it say if he/she is a male/female

trdz23 | 0

#2160138 - Tuesday 8 March 2011 0:49

Just go with the flow^^^

krazy_glu3 | 0

#2160177 - Tuesday 8 March 2011 1:09

OP said 'my stuffed animals'.. I assume OP is a girl because not many guys have stuffed animals. back in school they called that context clues. you mightve missed that day...

MichaelGood | 0

#2160904 - Tuesday 8 March 2011 5:32

um I have stuffed animals? a big old penguin :) 3 Teddy bears and 1 giant toucan haha!

TheBeatlesAreLov | 0

#2161085 - Tuesday 8 March 2011 6:42

Can anyone say teen mom?

nmitche95 | 0

#2161168 - Tuesday 8 March 2011 7:30

teen mom...

Ruff_fml | 3

#2161590 - Tuesday 8 March 2011 11:48

112 lmao

nannu_nannu | 1

#2161956 - Tuesday 8 March 2011 14:32

@50, they are debating on whether or not the child is male/female, not OP

jerica98 | 0

#2163546 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 1:09

I lyk yu(:

IHunt | 0

#2171596 - Friday 11 March 2011 5:57

You're Pretty.

tatababe | 0

#2912386 - Sunday 17 July 2011 8:02

what is wrong with you OP he's FIVE!!!!!

moemoney8888 | 7

#4646470 - Tuesday 3 July 2012 17:54

Love ur pic :)

By sugarr0babby0 | 0

#2159877 - Monday 7 March 2011 23:12

HAHAHA

testthecoal | 5

#2160285 - Tuesday 8 March 2011 1:35

HAHAHA

fireflames113 | 6

#2160704 - Tuesday 8 March 2011 4:07

Why does he even have stuffed animals?

LowLives | 9

#2160787 - Tuesday 8 March 2011 4:40

Read it again

Yf9 | 0

#2161426 - Tuesday 8 March 2011 9:44

Hi ;)

nbk1405 | 0

#2161519 - Tuesday 8 March 2011 10:45

^win at
2 & 62's pictures! lol..
pretty girl + freaking crocodile birdie!!!!

smiley1982 | 2

#2241294 - Friday 25 March 2011 20:49

do it like they do it on the discovery channel

thetrojandude | 0

#2256432 - Monday 28 March 2011 19:49

wat up

By sugarr0babby0 | 0

#2159881 - Monday 7 March 2011 23:13

HAHAHA

By a_girl_i_know | 0

#2159890 - Monday 7 March 2011 23:13

today's kids know a lot more stuff now than when we were kids, I wouldn't be surprised if he learned it at school.

Winter247 | 2

#2160170 - Tuesday 8 March 2011 1:06

yeah seriously, the other day I was helping out in a kindergarten and all the little kids had cell phones, and I caught two "couples" making out. horny motherfuckers

ConfusionsLoveMe | 0

#2160909 - Tuesday 8 March 2011 5:36

Kindergarden? are you serious?

a) They either saw some people doing it and decided to play follow the leader.
b) Their parents influenced them.
or...
c) what you caught were some little people by mistake.

TheFuckerofShit | 16

#2161230 - Tuesday 8 March 2011 8:06

My father always said the parents had to be smarter than the kids, yet he got surprised when I flew Flight Simulator 98 correctly at the age of five.

loza2710 | 0

#2284163 - Sunday 3 April 2011 5:44

well of corse at this primary school there teaching sex ed in yr 5 I'm in yr 9 and we havnt tacked about it yet

By stevenmx86 | 7

#2159896 - Monday 7 March 2011 23:16

Why do you have a bunch of stuffed animals?

kingtz | 6

#2160041 - Tuesday 8 March 2011 0:19

Because op is a furry!

brennan677 | 0

#2160716 - Tuesday 8 March 2011 4:14

what is a furry.-googles it-. im scared.

free2speak | 14

#2161366 - Tuesday 8 March 2011 9:23

my thoughts exactly. shouldn't they be the kids?

Miii_fml | 0

#2161764 - Tuesday 8 March 2011 13:02

they belong to the kid.. but she paid for them?!? lmao

By valri3 | 0

#2159900 - Monday 7 March 2011 23:17

Ok my comments are not going through...It's making me mad..

boopityboppity | 11

#2160714 - Tuesday 8 March 2011 4:14

So naturally, in retaliation to the site's evil methods, you attempt to post comments that will make you seem incredibly special if they go through.
An excellent choice.