Miscellaneous: Today, I was burgled while I was on the toilet. FML

Thanks for your comments and highly original puns ! Just to clear the language issue up: "I was burgled" is correct British English (as opposed to American English) and means "Somebody broke into my house and stole things that belonged to me". "Burglarized" is the American synonym. The site said I come from Europe - I do, but it's a big place. I come from England and I live in Mayotte, a French territory in the Indian Ocean.

Miscellaneous

Mama's boy

Good kid

Slow moving accident

17/12/2009 05:00

Today, I leave Ireland after a 5 month study abroad. Today also happens to be the day that the price of alcohol decreases by 30%, the dollar increases by 15% and the girl I have been chasing the whole time, to no avail, finally decides to show an interest in me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 976

You deserved it 3 031

Wake up, boo

By Anonymous - 21/07/2021 20:01

Today, my daughter's school is furious because we were 3 hours late picking her up. My son, who was supposed to pick her up, apparently accidentally fell asleep after masturbating himself to exhaustion, which is why when we finally got home he was asleep with his pants down, porn still playing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 917

You deserved it 187

08/12/2018 14:00

Today as I helped my boss set up catering at our café, she was stressing about having enough time for everything when the DJ chimed in with "Why don't you ask him to help?" It got awkwardly quiet as they looked at me and he realized I was a girl. Then he tried saying "by him, I mean Jesus". FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 754

You deserved it 271

30/01/2016 09:33

Today, I got in trouble with my boss for not showing up to work yesterday. It seems going into anaphylactic shock isn't a valid excuse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 315

You deserved it 1 341

Get off my lawn!

By Anonymous - 29/08/2020 14:09

Today, the police came to my house and arrested me. Why? The neighborhood kids thought it would be fun to hide behind my house and shoot at people with paintball guns. People saw it coming from my house and called the police. I was fired from work, due to missing it without notice. No excuses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 961

You deserved it 85

24/03/2017 22:00

Today, my son followed me around like a shadow, chanting, "Mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom…" to the tune of Jingle Bells. It's March. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 559

You deserved it 501

07/06/2009 19:14

Today, in an effort to seduce my husband, I laid in bed caressing myself. He walked in, looked at me, and said, "Is the ground beef in the freezer still good?" When I answered yes, he turned and walked out of the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 958

You deserved it 6 757

06/08/2011 00:18

Today, I started work at my new job. I was excited to have been given an office of my own, but shortly after sitting down at my desk, the door across the hall opened and an unspeakably murderous stench that could've curdled milk seeped in. My office is opposite the men's room. Great. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 638

You deserved it 2 745

02/12/2014 03:14

Today, after putting in so much effort to forgive my husband for his affair, we had sex. Not even 2 minutes into it, he called me by the other woman's name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 303

You deserved it 12 308

PMS PSA

By Ishnar - 02/02/2021 05:01

Today, while my partner usually has their work mic muted, I went in and complained about my period. Turns out today was the one day they didn't have it muted. Their whole team heard, and I used to work with some of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 313

You deserved it 783

17/06/2019 05:00

Today, after taking care not to hurt myself during my workout, I injured my shoulder extricating myself from my sports bra. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 623

You deserved it 184

04/11/2013 19:17

Today, I woke up late and had to rush to catch my bus. Upon arriving at school, I was hot from running and took off my sweater. It was then, in a lecture hall with 400 people, that I realised I hadn't put a shirt on underneath. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 674

You deserved it 11 779

Wrong drugs

By Anonymous - 26/07/2009 05:57

Today, my nose was really stuffed up and I was out of cold medicine. I heard spices may help with this kind of problem. Unfortunately I thought red pepper would be a great thing to snort at the time. Not only is my nose still stuffed up but I also have immense nasal pain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 145

You deserved it 84 805

22/10/2016 04:32

Today, my boyfriend of nearly six months broke up with me. Over text. In a group chat. With the new girl he wanted to date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 427

You deserved it 727

19/02/2011 01:06

Today, my house got broken into for the third time. The nice police officer said that if I didn't want my house to keep being robbed I should, "Fix the place up so it doesn't look like a crummy vacant building." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 648

You deserved it 8 558

Big Muff Fuzz

By Fartagirl - 15/10/2021 05:00

Today, I was using the restroom at school. What I thought was going to be just peeing turned into a humongous fart that echoed in the toilet bowl. Already embarrassed, I opened the door to leave. Two girls, who obviously heard, were giggling and saying, “It’s always the fat bitches.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 915

You deserved it 119

20/12/2016 04:02

Today, I had a feminine emergency. After scrounging up 4 quarters to use the machine in the women's bathroom, it dispensed a diaper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 285

You deserved it 744

Lovely Rita

By Greg - 29/08/2020 05:01

Today, I went to lunch with a friend in her car. I told her to park in a lot that had signs warning that we'd be towed, saying, "They never tow anyone from here. In fact, if you get towed, I'll pay for it." When we returned, her car was gone. I had to pay $145 in cash to get it back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 421

You deserved it 3 464

But my grandbabiiiiiiies!

By Anonymous - 21/09/2021 02:00

Today, my mother was sneaking through my underwear and found my condoms and the bills from the hospital where I had my IUD inserted. She then started yelling at me, saying that I didn't have permission to not have children and that, "I get to choose, not you." I'm 28 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 855

You deserved it 142

24/10/2016 12:58

Today, we have a fruit fly infestation again because my roommate keeps buying fruit and letting it rot on the counter. Despite the moldy fruit being covered in flies, she insists it's my fault because I left an empty bottle of beer out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 068

You deserved it 686

05/11/2008 07:35

Today, I'm on holiday, but my alarm clock isn't. It rang at 6 o'clock. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 314

You deserved it 46 983

27/11/2009 10:11

Today, I got out of the wrong side of the bed. Into a wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 981

You deserved it 28 871

Oh shit

By das_shizzle - 30/09/2020 23:02

Today, as I was getting ready to go to class, I accidentally stepped in dog poop. I was in a hurry, so I scraped it off as best as I could. When I go to class, I noticed it smelled. The girl behind me noticed and said, "Mmmmm, smells like food in here." FML

I agree, your life sucks 930

You deserved it 92

Just a friend

By UnluckyTh1rteen - 27/08/2020 14:19

Today, my boyfriend went to get coffee with a friend. As a joke, I texted him to ask how his date with his other girlfriend was going. It really was a date, and apparently it went very well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 703

You deserved it 178

23/11/2009 05:21

Today, my friend called me freaking out because of an online pregnancy test. She was scared because she had no idea that she was pregnant, let alone having a fifteen pound baby. The website is a joke. She goes to an Ivy League school, and I couldn't even get into community college. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 722

You deserved it 4 141

17/10/2011 21:37

Today, I learned the hard way how easy it is to get on my boss's bad side. We were talking about reality TV shows and I'd mentioned how much I despise Snooki, and how useless to the planet she is. Now I fear for my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 183

You deserved it 6 355

16/09/2014 18:46

Today, I was home sick and playing with my dog. I suddenly felt the urge to throw up, so I sprinted to the bathroom. My dog thought this was an invitation to chase me and tackle me to the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 022

You deserved it 3 945

02/06/2009 01:53

Today, I was at the extremely crowded gym when someone came up behind me and shouted in my ear scaring the living shit out of me. I jump into a karate pose in front of everyone. No one was behind me. It was a new song starting on my headphones. A trainer asked me if I needed an ambulance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 235

You deserved it 69 484

11/05/2009 19:45

Today, I bit into a Reese's Cup that had been sitting on my desk for a while. As I did, half of a yellow meal worm fell out and landed in front of me, the other half was in my mouth. It was wiggling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 118

You deserved it 30 364

15/10/2017 13:00

Today, I woke up early and rushed to work to get to our first weekly safety meeting. I was the only one that remembered. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 311

You deserved it 275

30/08/2012 18:33

Today, I had to explain to my teacher that Czechoslovakia is no longer a country. She kicked me out of class when she found out I was right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 141

You deserved it 2 121

23/01/2010 21:44

Today, I asked my friend who is a fashion major why she didn't want to use me as a model for her senior project. She said my boobs were too big. I doubt it'd have been an issue if I were a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 608

You deserved it 8 160

14/11/2018 22:00

Today, my husband took me to an airsoft shop so he could try a new pistol. We went on the range to shoot it, but while he was loading it went off and shot me. I was only wearing my leggings, so I felt the full power of that BB as it traveled at 200 feet per second at my clitoris. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 868

You deserved it 460

26/02/2011 14:03

Today, a guy who I have known for a long time confessed his love to me. It would have been sweet except that he will become my stepbrother in 3 days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 031

You deserved it 3 214

13/12/2014 20:21

Today, after months of saving, I went to buy the wedding ring I promised to buy my fiancée. Just seconds after I walked in, the owner asked me to leave, saying he doesn't serve "trash" like me, while pointing at the memorial tattoo on the back of my hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 761

You deserved it 3 662

31/10/2010 00:00

Today, a kid came Trick-or-Treating at my house. When I told her it was still one more day until Halloween, and that I didn't have any candy, she wound-up her fist, punched me in the groin, and ran off laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 329

You deserved it 4 045

Toxic masculinity

By Anonymous - 19/07/2021 07:59

Today, my grandad smacked me on the back of the head, and told me to, "Act like a goddamn man and stop crying." It was at the funeral of my mum and sister, who both died in a car crash. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 887

You deserved it 85

21/09/2015 03:00

Today, I walked face first into a near-invisible spiderweb. There's nothing worse than the feeling of a spider web wrapped around your face. Except maybe the feeling of the spider that saw my screaming mouth as a good hiding spot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 932

You deserved it 2 159

11/04/2017 20:00

Today, my apartment was robbed. The police report said my apartment was ransacked. No it wasn't, that's how looks everyday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 890

You deserved it 2 318

15/09/2011 02:35

Today, my mom admitted that she always makes me put away the dishes because my obsessive compulsive tendencies force me to arrange the glasses and silverware by size, just the way she likes them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 848

You deserved it 4 980

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Top comments

stevenJB 25

Sunday 16 December 2012 18:50

And everything turned to shit

ICastillo 24

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Sunday 16 December 2012 18:51

I hate when you can't take a shit in peace. You should have yelled to him to come back later when you were done.

Comments

stevenJB 25

Sunday 16 December 2012 18:50

And everything turned to shit

boxbrandon11 20

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Sunday 16 December 2012 18:52

So he stole your shit...Thats stinks

TourettesGuyFTW 25

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Sunday 16 December 2012 19:17

So your possessions were scooped while you pooped? Tough luck!

SlenderMann 10

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Sunday 16 December 2012 19:20

Prepare for an overload of "crappy" puns.

gntfmlingnow 12

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Sunday 16 December 2012 19:24

Rule #4: Beware of bathrooms.

isabelm1224 4

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Sunday 16 December 2012 19:33

let's hope they didn't steal the tp!!! (⊙o⊙)

His_Holiness 18

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Sunday 16 December 2012 20:33

Did the burglar scare the shit out of you?

ICastillo 24

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Sunday 16 December 2012 20:33

#40 If that happens OP can just use a sock or rip her sleeve and use that.

EGORAPTOR 7

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Sunday 16 December 2012 21:21

Should of picked up your poo and thrown it at the person screaming CHOCOLATE!!!!!!

tsent8 15

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Sunday 16 December 2012 21:54

Hehe turd burglar.

OHai15 12

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Tuesday 18 December 2012 3:56

shudda flung poo at them.

fmlsams 27

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Tuesday 2 June 2015 23:47

@40 - That's just nasty. Why would you even think that far into OP's bathroom experience??

FlyingPie 17

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Sunday 16 December 2012 18:50

Your safety seems to have been flushed down the toilet.

ColdplaySucks 18

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Sunday 16 December 2012 18:52

Scoop your shit out of the toilet, and throw it at the burglar.

astoryofroses 9

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Sunday 16 December 2012 18:58

#5 ewww that's disgusting!

Stefan1994 7

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Sunday 16 December 2012 19:22

5, I dont think OP is a monkey...

HKCgrimmjow 15

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Sunday 16 December 2012 20:26

Well OP has a monkey... Oh wait :( they took poor Carl too

jetsown08 21

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Monday 17 December 2012 1:00

Yeah, and the rest of his intestines went down the toilet when he saw the burglar.

patrickalamo 47

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Monday 17 December 2012 1:10

This is why I'm never more than 5 to 10 steps from a gun in my home at all times.

jjessen 20

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Monday 17 December 2012 2:29

95- if you tell me how many square feet there is in your house, I'll calculate how many guns you would need to have.

chokefrantic 9

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Monday 17 December 2012 3:19

95: 'MURICA!

patrickalamo 47

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Monday 17 December 2012 14:23

101, that would be 22, not including what is in the safe. Welcome to Texas

skittycat213 19

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Monday 17 December 2012 18:17

AWMIGAWD SAO is soooo beautiful!!! Sad there's only one episode left tho... (Sorry for off-topicness)

wifey08 13

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Friday 19 April 2013 20:40

Sounds like a shitty position to be in...

SadGirl18 16

Sunday 16 December 2012 18:51

Well, that's a shitty situation.

justonecomment 2

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Sunday 16 December 2012 18:55

Neonemerld 21

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Sunday 16 December 2012 18:58

That joke is pure shit.

lilhellian 26

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Sunday 16 December 2012 19:01

*Bang* Fuck it.. *Bang* Gotta make sure they stay dead..

SqueakyChipmunk 20

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Sunday 16 December 2012 19:05

Rule number 2: Double tap.

SqueakyChipmunk 20

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Sunday 16 December 2012 19:05

Rule number 2: Double tap.

SqueakyChipmunk 20

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Sunday 16 December 2012 19:10

Double tap, not double post Dx

lilhellian 26

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Sunday 16 December 2012 19:19

You're just double checking you posted! :D

MichellinMan 20

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Sunday 16 December 2012 19:42

How many keurigs did it weigh! (South park reference)

RvidxrKlvn 8

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Sunday 16 December 2012 20:02

Hahaha omg 3 that was a good one

astralvagan 20

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Sunday 16 December 2012 20:15

18, always double tap! Good call!

lilhellian 26

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Sunday 16 December 2012 20:20

*Bang bangity bang* There's a button for that..

lilpsyco 16

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Sunday 16 December 2012 20:38

It weighed exactly 9.6 keurigs not a prize winner like Bono or some of these shitty puns

kyiomi 18

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Sunday 16 December 2012 21:10

22) zombieland reference! Brilliant!

spud11763 14

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Sunday 16 December 2012 21:27

46 & 63 - it was Courics, as in Katie Couric; not Keurigs like the coffee maker :P

kyarush 10

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Sunday 16 December 2012 22:09

This was clever 12 years ago....

asb818 14

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Monday 17 December 2012 1:33

3 & 54 - On FMLs much?

verkaderk 9

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Monday 17 December 2012 3:14

You're so funny!!! said no one ever...

SadGirl18 16

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Monday 17 December 2012 4:29

You're all party poopers.

kyarush 10

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Monday 17 December 2012 5:57

Not when I'm naked. Giggitty

zander4310 5

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Monday 17 December 2012 7:22

Original

orebes 3

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Monday 17 December 2012 12:27

Double tap

ICastillo 24

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Sunday 16 December 2012 18:51

I hate when you can't take a shit in peace. You should have yelled to him to come back later when you were done.

Pleonasm 35

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Sunday 16 December 2012 19:13

When did burglars lose all sense of theft-iquette?

TheFuckerofShit 16

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Sunday 16 December 2012 19:13

There is no more peaceful time in life than taking a shit.

ICastillo 24

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Sunday 16 December 2012 20:30

Pleo they just don't have respect anymore.

Pleonasm 35

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Sunday 16 December 2012 20:38

Back in my day, they'd knock and ask me if I was done yet, or how long I think I'd be if I wasn't. Then, they would politely nod when I walked out, and proceed to take all of my earthly belongings in the most pleasant and charming manner, before wishing me a good day and walking out the door. Once they even let me keep my wallet for being a good sport.

ICastillo 24

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Sunday 16 December 2012 21:59

Well Pleo we all miss the good old days. *wipes away a tear*

ironheart98 14

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Sunday 16 December 2012 18:53

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

citymayer 7

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Sunday 16 December 2012 19:35

No burgled is also correct

beautycrush495 10

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Sunday 16 December 2012 19:51

He could have just said got robbed then we wouldn't have to get technical

NagainaFier 16

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Sunday 16 December 2012 19:53

OP also lives in Europe; maybe that's what they say over there instead of robbed.

RedPillSucks 31

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Sunday 16 December 2012 23:04

burgled implies a break-in, robbed does not. you can be robbed outside, but you can't be burgled outside

alanahcole 1

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Sunday 16 December 2012 23:45

I was just about to say that, illiterate people these days...

musicalnoodles23 5

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Monday 17 December 2012 1:33

Actually, burgled implies that you went into someone's house and stole things. Burglarized would be the correct word to use.

ironheart98 14

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Monday 17 December 2012 2:23

least number 96 knows what words mean and how to use them. i got burgled is not the correct use.

goofy4123 8

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Monday 17 December 2012 3:18

Honestly, I didn't understand this FML till I saw this comment...

Driveshaft 5

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Monday 17 December 2012 6:48

Burgled also implies op just saw "The Hobbit"

cgchamp89 7

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Monday 17 December 2012 13:36

Your home or vehicle can be burglarized, but only while you are not in them. YOU can be robbed. Also, you can be the victim of a home invasion if your house is burglarized and you are inside of it... technical, I know. I have been a cop for a a few years and have yet to hear the term "Burgled". Maybe other states or countries use different terms though?