Animals: Today, my bird learned to mimic my fire alarm. It proved it to... - FML

By MacGrouber - 17/03/2011 00:12 - United States

Today, my bird learned to mimic my fire alarm. It proved it to me at 3 am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 773

You deserved it 4 733

Leave us alone

Hiding from the drama

Good kid

By John Brown - 24/07/2018 15:00

Today, my roommate told me that I have to find a new place to live because I make his new girlfriend uncomfortable. I just had surgery and am bedridden. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 639

You deserved it 163

By Anonymous - 19/02/2017 01:00 - Australia - Stretton

Today, I was in the shower washing my hair when my hand ran down the shower caddy and in particular, on my razor. If I wasn't woozy from all the blood splatter around the shower - seeing the bone that connects my finger definitely did it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 482

You deserved it 737

By Anonymous - 08/06/2009 17:47 - United States

Today, I had just gotten a milkshake with some friends. We were about to drive past my ex's house, so I though it would be funny to throw the milkshake in his yard. Turns out, if you're going 50mph and try to throw a shake out the window, it comes right back at you. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 921

You deserved it 103 611

By fish killer - 08/02/2013 03:58 - Canada

Today, I bought a fish. I put the tank on top of the fridge so my cat wouldn't get at it. I'd forgotten to buy some things for its tank, so I quickly ran out to get them. When I got home, I saw the tank destroyed on the floor, and my cat devouring my fish. I had the fish for less than an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 219

You deserved it 29 732

Motel 6 to 9

By gregm97 - 06/06/2020 05:03

Today, after my family and I returned to our motel after a long day trip, we saw that the room was made. As we were getting ready to sleep, I pulled my sheets back to find a large piece of crap smeared all over the bed. When we told the front desk about this, they told us to "fuck off." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 905

You deserved it 150

By James - 12/08/2011 07:54 - United States

Spicy

Today, my roommate and I got into an argument. He told me he understood if I didn't forgive him "for a couple of days." He'd confessed to undressing my girlfriend in her sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 435

You deserved it 3 094

By Anonymous - 31/03/2015 03:52 - Netherlands - Utrecht

Today, it was my first day working as a dental assistant, leaving me in charge of all cleaning. The first patient was so scared, he peed his pants. Which might have been understandable if he hadn't been a fully grown man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 431

You deserved it 2 458

Why are you like this?

By Bea - 11/07/2021 17:59 - Brazil - Sao Paulo

Today, thinking it would be funny I tried tricking my boyfriend into thinking my grandparents were cousins, and that I was the product of incest. This would have been a great prank, if he hadn't have said, "You know what? That actually makes sense. It all makes sense now." FML

I agree, your life sucks 245

You deserved it 1 362

Where am I?

By sam - 15/05/2021 00:01

Today, same as always, I still have to take a moment to distinguish between right and left. I’m 21. FML

I agree, your life sucks 613

You deserved it 278

By you fucking idiot - 19/12/2013 17:20 - United States - Union

Today, I found out the money my husband's been funneling from our bank account wasn't for drugs or gifts for another girl like I thought. It was for a guy he stupidly believed was a foreign diplomat, who supposedly needed to bribe officials in order to send us several million dollars. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 381

You deserved it 4 343

By Sergie - 04/06/2010 09:28 - Ireland

Today, I was getting ready for my first day at work. Right before leaving the house I decided to brush my teeth thoroughly one more time to have a fresh breath. While cleaning my tongue I went too far which made me throw up. I was 20 min late for my work. Good start. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 170

You deserved it 28 290

By lonelyman - 20/11/2009 07:29 - United States

Today, I used text-to-speech just so that I can hear "I love you" for once. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 155

You deserved it 7 559

By Toilettrash - 06/07/2012 10:51 - United States

Today, I was brutally dumped over webcam, by my boyfriend, who was taking a dump with the laptop on his lap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 879

You deserved it 2 867

Round and round

By Decibell - 18/04/2020 05:00

Today, I found out the trigger to my horrendous, disgustingly painful migraines that last up to 5 days is... Pain. My migraines are literally causing themselves. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 453

You deserved it 133

Cheers

By ineedanotherdrink - 07/08/2009 09:43 - United States

Spicy

Today, I went out drinking with a friend I've been crushing on for a while now. After we'd been talking and had a few, she said, "Man, I haven't gotten laid in months! Do you mind?" Surprised but hopeful, I nodded. She leaned over, hugged me, and went to hit on a guy by the bar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 910

You deserved it 5 399

By Anonymous - 08/11/2010 18:16 - France

Today, I learned that everyone at college was calling me "Parallel Lines" because I've got an unibrow and an apparent hairiness over my mouth. By the way, I'm a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 745

You deserved it 15 713

By needsnewshorts - 16/07/2013 01:42 - United States - San Clemente

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend was sitting on my lap at a birthday party. She thought it would be funny to fart. I came instantly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 333

You deserved it 23 552

By dancer101 - 04/02/2011 15:01 - United States

Today, I met my daughter's boyfriend, who she hopes to marry. I asked what he does, to which he answered, "I'm a Flamencologist." Flamencology? The study of Flamenco? Huh? FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 786

You deserved it 6 966

By Anonymous - 24/04/2015 15:18 - United States

Today, the pills my doctor prescribed for my extremely painful period cramps apparently have a side effect; excruciatingly painful cramps. I feel like I'm being repeatedly stabbed in the ovaries with a rusty fork. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 018

You deserved it 2 409

In the way

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 05:00 - Germany - Neusalza-spremberg

Today, I was on a camping trip, just about to pitch my tent, when the fire brigade showed up. No, I did not set anything ablaze. This nice, quiet little meadow I picked to spend the night? It’s their habitual training ground. FML

I agree, your life sucks 781

You deserved it 178

By AR Good - 26/03/2019 11:00 - United States - Hawthorne

Spicy

Today, my husband is pissed off, withholding affection, and not speaking to me. Why? I don't want to have sex with random men while he watches. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 744

You deserved it 186

By Unlucky - 24/05/2010 00:22 - Australia

Today, I have both a cold and a period. Tomorrow, I will have a cold, my period and my wisdom teeth taken out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 393

You deserved it 3 785

Bulk buying

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 20:00 - United States - Ann Arbor

Today, I picked up my online grocery order. The clerk asked about the party, because he assumed I was having one because of all the ice cream I'd ordered. I'm bulimic and everything was for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 731

You deserved it 352

By Xandriajoy10 - 08/03/2016 11:56 - Australia

Today, a fly flew into my ear canal and got stuck. It was the most horrifying 2 minutes of my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 556

You deserved it 1 558

By Babyhazy - 05/06/2016 21:52 - Australia - South Yarra

Today, I'm so tired from constantly soothing my crying 2-month-old baby that I've started trying to soothe inanimate objects with baby talk when they make a noise. My fridge stated beeping and I began an involuntary chorus of, 'It's OK darling, shhhhhh, it's alright.' FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 300

You deserved it 1 422

Peter and Pan

By dudeWTF - 03/07/2021 10:59 - United States

Today, after a great double date with my best friend and two really hot guys, we went back to my place. My friend and I left the guys in the living room to go grab some more wine. When we came back, we found our dates making out with each other on the couch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 910

You deserved it 132

By BadGuyLuck - 25/02/2012 06:33 - United States

Today, I got asked out for the second time in my life. Since my first date didn't go so well I thought I might have better luck with a different guy. I had to end the date when he confessed it was his destiny to kill his father. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 900

You deserved it 2 789

By idonthavelice - 28/02/2010 13:44 - China

Today, while I was standing in the elevator with a few people I just met when I moved in yesterday, I felt something fall on my hair and dusted it off. It was a cockroach. None of them will come within a 1m distance to me now, because they all think I've got lice. Welcome to the building! FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 027

You deserved it 2 400

By ohdear - 31/10/2011 15:38 - Australia

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend tried to change her pad while we were sitting in a crowded movie theatre. She succeeded and slipped the used pad into her purse. I can't get rid of the memory, and I don't think I can ever eat popcorn again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 571

You deserved it 5 290

By quick blow - 16/05/2012 02:53 - United States

Spicy

Today, I received an email from my girlfriend listing 10 ways to stop premature ejaculation. Subtle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 833

You deserved it 7 311

By Timmy - 26/01/2009 13:28 - France

Today, I got caught stealing lollies. I am 25. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 474

You deserved it 59 277

By Anonymous - 16/05/2012 21:56 - Sweden - V?llingby

Today, I woke up after a long night of drinking with my friends. I vaguely remembered visiting a tattoo parlour, but nothing prepared me for the sight of the words "YOLO" and "MOFO" tattooed across the fingers of my left and right hands. Now I'm officially a bandwagoning douchebag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 181

You deserved it 39 596

By Anonymous - 10/01/2015 13:45 - United States

Today, my fiancée got married. I did not. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 667

You deserved it 3 421

By Lizz - 06/02/2009 19:25 - United States

Today, I got up the courage to go to my very first voice lesson. I thought I did alright, but at the end my teacher told me, "Now don't worry about grades in this class, I grade on effort, not on talent." FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 645

You deserved it 3 088

By cougar26 - 24/09/2015 16:42 - United States - Pullman

Today, my boss had a breakdown and sent me home early. Apparently my voice reminds him of his abusive stepfather. He said I'm lucky he's on medication. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 958

You deserved it 1 506

By Bridget - 28/08/2019 18:00

Today, on to the bus home from school, I sat next to a guy that I ride with every day, but don't know well. He looked at me and said, "Hey, I know this girl named Bridget who looks just like you, but a lot more pale. She's really weird." I'm Bridget. I just got a tan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 810

You deserved it 183

By Keldar - 19/08/2009 07:53 - United States

Today, at the gas station I work a lady called wanting to know the "password" and if I was okay. Thinking it was a prank I hung up. A couple of minutes later she called back, this time asking if I could see the cops outside and telling me I'd be alright. I saw four of 'em. I'd hit the silent alarm by accident. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 567

You deserved it 40 478

By badbed - 11/12/2009 17:07 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, I had a friend over. We found my older brother's camera so decided to look through his photos but then we came across photos of him and his girlfriend having sex. We were laughing up until my friend decided to point out that they were having sex on my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 691

You deserved it 7 417

By IhadToTakeCareOfTraumatizedFish - 03/03/2016 05:32 - United States - Iowa Park

Today, while I was working at a sushi restaurant, a guy told me he wanted the table next to the "koi fish tank", because he wanted to let the fish know what happens when they "cross him". FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 539

You deserved it 2 549

By hcditfi5foygy - 23/09/2018 13:30

Today, I learned that my new neighbour's car alarm goes off every time a car drives by blasting loud bass. So far, it's gone off 6 times in the last hour. I can't wait until he's done moving in here, where he and his car will stay for the next year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 371

You deserved it 130

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Thursday 17 March 2011 8:19

Now all you have to do is make it learn a police siren and you'll be set with a watch bird.

MyChemical_fml 0

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Thursday 17 March 2011 8:16

Aw that's cute... Right...? :l

Comments

MyChemical_fml 0

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Thursday 17 March 2011 8:16

Aw that's cute... Right...? :l

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Thursday 17 March 2011 8:33

lol yeah it's adorable... on the bright side if some one tried to break in and heard the fire alarm they would try to gtfo

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Thursday 17 March 2011 15:06

b-b-b-bird bird bird bird is the word

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Thursday 17 March 2011 15:32

^^ 31, lool :P

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Thursday 17 March 2011 16:07

:D

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Thursday 17 March 2011 18:21

47 so you did hear?

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Friday 18 March 2011 7:14

pet birds are the shit, they have more personality than dumb cats or submissive dogs

theblackhannah 0

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Thursday 17 March 2011 8:17

bahahaha

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Thursday 17 March 2011 8:18

did u punch it?

craaazymonkey 0

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Thursday 17 March 2011 9:08

lol

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Thursday 17 March 2011 15:37

3 I'm sensing you're somewhat of any angry soul.. seeing as though you ask if OP punches whatever the subject of the FML is ... anyways, I just wanted to say... I'm a huge fan of yours. can I have your autograph??? :D

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Thursday 17 March 2011 8:19

Now all you have to do is make it learn a police siren and you'll be set with a watch bird.

Epic_Phale615 0

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Friday 18 March 2011 1:22

THAT, would be badass. I'd go to school with it and harass my AP bio professor :P.

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Wednesday 17 July 2013 8:34

I want a watch bird XD

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Thursday 17 March 2011 8:22

lol good luck wit your bird.

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Thursday 17 March 2011 13:03

did u get socked in tha mouth tha day of that picture? jw..

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Thursday 17 March 2011 13:09

Woah... Your lips are big... haha... D:

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Thursday 17 March 2011 13:40

new jersey, bleh

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Thursday 17 March 2011 14:37

This woman frustrates me so much... why must you fail every time by speaking in such a fail manner... and what is "awsome"... it's "awesome"...

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Thursday 17 March 2011 15:02

whoa 30 & 31.. this woman frustrates me a little as well.. but theres no need to make fun of the way she looks. that's mean and uncalled for.

florecitabetch 0

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Thursday 17 March 2011 15:45

I totally agree with miss bunny

Foexo 0

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Thursday 17 March 2011 8:24

Mimic it back. I'm sure the bird would get tired of hearing it after awhile and stop.

SassiestLemon 2

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Friday 18 March 2011 2:04

This made me laugh :Dq

guitarist1071995 0

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Thursday 17 March 2011 8:24

it's like ur guard bird. hehe

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Thursday 17 March 2011 8:25

FYL. I hate birds... especially ones that talk!

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Thursday 17 March 2011 9:58

Why?

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Thursday 17 March 2011 15:03

because of potential situations like this probably

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Thursday 17 March 2011 8:27

It happens to all of us......jk just you! :)

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Thursday 17 March 2011 8:30

That's why when I got mine I yelled "Fuck U" 10 times as much as I can

hellogoodbye1996 6

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Thursday 17 March 2011 8:35

ten times as much as you can? oh that makes complete sense.

SassiestLemon 2

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Friday 18 March 2011 2:06

He/she meant to put It* somewhere in there I'm sure.

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Friday 18 March 2011 2:41

Fuck off u homo

Nearly

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17

You deserved it 4

Today, I realized the cute girl with a nice ass, long hair and a great personality I've been talking to is actually a very gay dude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17

You deserved it 38

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I had a horrible date with this guy I’ve been seeing. He wanted me to give it up, but I wasn’t ready, so he dumped me on the spot. I went home crying to my mother and her response was, “Stop being such a prude! What are you? Ten? Grow the fuck up!” Thanks mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 569

You deserved it 114

Today, my wife and I had arranged a threesome with a guy, but I was late home so they “had the threesome without me.” It’s not cheating, because I obviously knew she was going to have sex with him during the threesome, but me not being there makes me mad and I can’t coherently explain why. FML

I agree, your life sucks 686

You deserved it 786