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I'm a realist

By abbiexo97 - This FML is from back in 2019 but it's good stuff

Today, I had a dream that I had to abandon my shopping at the checkout due to lack of funds. Even in my dreams I don’t have any money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 139

You deserved it 251

By tht1chk - 31/10/2010 00:37 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have sex for the first time. While we were undressing each other, he said, "Wow, if we have children, you're gonna have to shave, or they'll die from rug-burn as they come out!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 693

You deserved it 30 726

By Anonymous - 05/07/2012 19:10 - United States - Findlay

Today, my waiter turned to me and asked, "Let me guess, Miss I'm-not-fat-I'm-fluffy wants a Diet Coke?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 803

You deserved it 10 015

By Turtleizer567 - 24/12/2016 01:27

Today, after waiting several hours for my foreman to drop off material, I finally got a text back from him saying "Oh sorry, I totally forgot about you. I'm at the Christmas party." The Christmas party that no one told me about. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 874

You deserved it 415

Turtleizer567 tells us more.

Turtleizer567 1

Sunday 25 December 2016 0:56

Thank you! You too. At least I know where I stand with the company now.

By Anonymous - 23/12/2016 00:22

Today, a coworker told me I was "fat shaming" them by discussing weight loss with other coworkers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 636

You deserved it 737

By instinct - 12/06/2013 03:06 - Australia - Doncaster East

Today, after years of faking pleasure with my boyfriend, I visited the gynaecologist. As soon as she touched my privates I instinctively let out a fake moan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 844

You deserved it 78 312

Twins

By Anonymous - 30/06/2012 01:06 - Canada - Windsor

Today, I saw my girlfriend walking hand-in-hand down the street with another man. When I confronted her, she claimed she had no idea who I was, and the guy told me to beat it. Later on, she returned to our apartment and actually tried to act as if nothing had happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 956

You deserved it 2 955

Not cut out for this

By Anonymous - 18/12/2016 02:10

Today, I took my girlfriend skydiving for her birthday. I insisted on joining her to make it a memory for us both, despite my fear of heights. I passed out twice mid-freefall and had to be saved by the instructor both times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 826

You deserved it 1 424

By Anonymous - 20/10/2015 14:40 - United Kingdom - Oxford

Today, I went to the print shop to get some work printed. The guy serving me printed my entire order wrong because he pushed the wrong button, so it had to be done again. He tried to charge me a fine for the mistake he made because "it's not a viable business otherwise". FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 266

You deserved it 1 590

By htothecr - 03/05/2009 21:05 - United States

Today, I was holding a lit cigarette in one hand and a lollipop in the other. Guess which one I licked? FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 205

You deserved it 141 059

Stressed out

By mystermoon - 25/06/2019 16:00

Today, at my job in a pet store, my boss had me pull all the bags of food out and restock them so that they sat pretty. Five minutes later, the store is full of people. My manager screamed, "They're touching things!" and locked himself in the office with a cup of tea. He has the only open register. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 927

You deserved it 125

Considerate boyfriend

By Anonymous - 29/05/2013 07:17 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I had to eat up a few specks of toilet paper to avoid spoiling "the moment" with my girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 877

You deserved it 15 863

By Anonymous - 13/10/2010 15:28 - United Kingdom

Today, I got fined when my fat dog decided to walk across a private film set to get at the catering area. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 038

You deserved it 10 129

By drugdealersgf - 02/12/2016 06:55

Today, my boyfriend told me, with complete confidence, that he's selected "drug dealer" as his career of choice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 139

You deserved it 1 128

By Dan223 - 01/10/2015 13:26 - United States

Today, I saw my dad for the first time in almost five years, at his funeral. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 625

You deserved it 3 745

By anon - 28/09/2015 03:27 - United States - Orange Park

Today, I thought my wife and I would reconcile after being separated for eight months. We ended up sleeping together after a dinner date, but she told told me afterwards that she still wanted a divorce. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 062

You deserved it 2 758

By Mr_poole - 18/05/2013 20:06 - United States - Castle Rock

Today, I brought my girlfriend home for the first time. I was really excited to introduce her to my parents, until we found my mother waving around a wooden sword, and my father trying to shove my sister into the dryer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 891

You deserved it 5 361

By Colin Jr. - 23/09/2015 13:24 - United States

Today, it's the third week of my dad's midlife crisis. So far he's blown half my college fund pimping out his piece of shit car, keeps texting me meme pictures, and keeps yelling "Savage!" and "Recked!" any time my mom makes a joke at anyone's expense. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 810

You deserved it 1 704

By oh my fucking god - 10/07/2014 13:34 - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, my fiancée has been saying, "Shit's gone cray-cray" for over a week. I finally snapped. When I was done ranting, she murmured, "Baby, don't be cray-cray". FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 255

You deserved it 9 116

By Imwalkinghere - 04/11/2016 01:26 - United States

Today, while I was walking to class, I was hit by a car. The driver stopped to let me cross in front of her, started moving again, hit me, and then yelled at me, saying it was my fault for walking in front of her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 065

You deserved it 700

By Anonymous - 13/07/2019 06:30

Today, my friend explained to me that the toilet paper in his bathroom is "just for show." Now I know why his hamper smells like shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 816

You deserved it 136

By Anonymous - 12/09/2015 20:50 - United Kingdom - Brentwood

Today, my boyfriend convinced me to face my fear of horror movies by promising to hold my hand through the entire flick. He fell asleep 10 minutes into it, farting and snoring in his sleep, whilst I was paralysed by fear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 021

You deserved it 3 685

By MommaAnnie - 02/05/2013 15:59 - United States - Overland Park

Today, I learned my husband has what he calls "grumpy wife sex" specifically to cheer me up. I don't know if I'm more annoyed that he casually mentioned it after we've been together for 10 years, or that it actually works. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 720

You deserved it 14 841

By XavierLing - 23/07/2019 06:00

Today, my thigh was itchy, so I went into a bathroom stall to scratch it. I, for some reason, moaned out loud while doing it. After that, the men's bathroom went completely silent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 099

You deserved it 793

By siddance - 04/09/2015 18:08 - United States - San Diego

Today, I had an extreme panic attack in the middle of class. I interrupted another person's presentation, burst into tears, and ran out of class whilst everyone looked at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 917

You deserved it 3 545

By Live Sweet - 25/04/2013 05:33

Today, I finally hooked up with the guy that I have been in love with forever. If there is such a thing as soul mates, this guy is it. He's my best friend in the whole world. It was the worst sex I have ever had. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 662

You deserved it 14 785

By longdistancemyass - 11/08/2017 23:15

Today, I found out my ex-boyfriend is currently dating a girl who lives in Korea. We broke up because I was moving to a different part of the city for college and he thought the distance would be "too much." FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 071

You deserved it 308

By Bawsack - 26/09/2016 10:10 - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

Today, it's my last day at my job because I'm moving to another city. My boss handed me a card and chocolates. The same boss that didn't sign the card because, "Even though you're a great employee, I probably won't remember your name in a fortnight." I've been there three years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 865

You deserved it 1 111

By Anonymous - 21/08/2015 16:07 - United States - San Leandro

Today, after months of taking care of my grandma after a surgery, the doctors gave her a clean bill of health, and I finally got to sleep in my own bed. She passed away while I was at home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 107

You deserved it 1 809

By idiot says "you raised him" - 31/05/2014 21:30 - Canada - Barrie

Today, my son got in serious trouble after he was caught trying to sell weed to people in the street. The good news is that the "weed" was just actual weeds he'd pulled from our lawn. The bad news is that at age 16, my son is too stupid to know the difference. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 202

You deserved it 7 999

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The Top

Today, my best friend called me a moron for disputing her belief that Canada is in South America. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 313

You deserved it 4 293

Today, after having to spend over an hour yesterday giving the man I'm in love with advice on how to impress his date yesterday evening, I got to spend another hour listening to how great their sex was last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 477

You deserved it 8 142

Today, my wife, who often complains about being walked on by everyone, let a person take items from our rummage sale without paying for them and simply walked away. When I asked her why she didn't say or do anything about it, she stated, "I just didn't want to make a big deal out of it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 916

You deserved it 149

Today, in an effort to actually be productive for once, I decided to clean out my closet. However, I ended up getting distracted by old photos, started crying over past relationships and dead pets, and didn't end up getting anything done whatsoever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 739

You deserved it 417

Today, I wore a bikini to the lake with my parents. I didn't know that my back was covered in bruises, and ended up having to awkwardly explain to my parents that I am not in an abusive relationship; the bruises came from the sex I had last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 551

You deserved it 16 308

Today, I hate this time of year, not only because everything is pumpkin spice, but because of Bath and Body work sales. I work in an office full of women, and when Bath and Body has a sale, it's Game Of Smell Thrones in the office. My allergies then act up, and I handle the office phones. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 590

You deserved it 273