Today, my grandma walked into my room and asked if the thing...

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my grandma walked into my room and asked if the thing lying on my nightstand was a computer. I said ''Grandma, that's a clock.'' After staring at me, confused for a few seconds, she then farted, and left my room. FML

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Miscellaneous

Instadrama

Who's a good boy?

Delayed proposal

By fml - United States

Today, I was walking through town when I saw a plastic bag on the ground. Trying to be a good citizen, I picked it up, intending on throwing it in the trash. When I looked up, there wasn't a trash can for another hundred feet. So I put it back down. Now I've got a $200 fine to pay for littering. FML

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25958

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By XRayXLopez1 - United States - Dallas

Today, I met a friend I hadn't seen in forever. After talking for a while, he says "I knew there was a reason I stopped talking to you." FML

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12374

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By Cat lover

Today, after 25 years living with my dad, who is highly allergic to cats, I was finally able to adopt two kittens to live in my new place, just like I have always wanted. Guess who else is highly allergic to cats? Me, it seems. FML

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4406

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By wowthanksworld - United States

Today, I was on the subway when I felt like I was going to faint. I got off the train at the next stop, walked to a bench, but fell over and passed out. When I woke up, I looked around at at least 25 people, who had stepped around me, passed out, in the middle of the platform. FML

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37838

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By Unemployed - United States

Today, I checked my email for the hundredth time, hoping to hear back from a potential employer about a job I really want. No response. Why? My email with resume attached has been sitting in my Outbox for the past week. I never actually sent it out in the first place. FML

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9871

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By MooCow - United States

Today, my best friend told me to face my fear of cows and hop over the fence in with them. This resulted in me being chased by a raging cow, and thrusting myself head first over a fence. FML

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25498

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By Neutered - United States - Anchorage

Today, I was enjoying a nice bath, when one of my cats jumped up on the rim and started purring. I thought it was sweet, until my other cat ran in and body-slammed the first into the tub with me. Being a conscientious cat owner, I hadn't de-clawed them. FML

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26040

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By Noname - United States

Today, my mom was telling me a funny story about when I was young. So I said 'yeah I was funny huh?' She replied 'Yep, I had a funny one and a pretty one'. FML

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35457

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By Bahhumbug - Australia - Perth

Today, I found out I was the top ranking sales person for 2014. What did last year's winner receive? An all-expenses paid weekend holiday. What did I receive? A ham. I'm vegetarian. FML

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38579

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By Lex - United States

Today, I installed high performance brakes on my car after fearing that my old brake system was to weak and I could get into a crash. On the test drive a car in front of me stopped short. My new brakes worked, the ones on the car behind me didn't. I now have whiplash and a totalled car. FML

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52379

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had my headphones on while on the bus. I didn't realize how loud the music was till the woman sitting next to me punched me for changing her favorite song and then "ignoring her" when she asked me to put it back. FML

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26915

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By "tease_ftx"

Who run the world? Cats!

Today, as I was laying down to sleep, I grabbed my covers and realized the cat pissed on them and on my body pillow. Now I'm up at 1am doing laundry so I can have clean bedding and my kids are awake. FML

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3077

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By wow

Another fine mess

Today, I was walking my dog when he did his business. He then stepped all in it and coated his paws. As I was struggling with him, I slipped and landed butt-first into his steaming pile. My boyfriend nearly fainted from laughing. FML

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1677

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282

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was dared to walk home through a rough part of town. My rep hung in the balance, so I accepted. A kid kicked a football in my direction, so I kicked it back at him hard. It hit him in the nuts, and the next thing I know, I'm running for my life from three bald, shirtless, six-packed thugs. FML

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15759

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, for the first time in my life, my dad said he was proud of me. It meant a lot to me, and I started tearing up. Noticing my emotion, he looked at me pityingly, said "Aaaaand it's gone." and walked out of the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45383

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By gullible - United States

Today, I travelled across an ocean to visit the guy I'm dating. He lied to me about his apartment; he lives in a dorm with a twin-sized bed and a bathroom he shares with 8 guys. Just now, after taking 3 trains from the airport to his "apt", he asked me to edit his essay while he goes to class. FML

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27854

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By notacaveman - Netherlands

Today, my girlfriend confessed that she had drunkenly slept with another guy last night. Since she seemed genuinely upset, and had confessed right away, I decided to forgive her the slip-up. She then angrily broke up with me, because "if I really loved her, I would've been more angry." FML

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76009

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By Anonymous

Today, I woke up with a carpet burn. From sleeping. Alone. In my bed. FML

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1484

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By lerouxmaster

Today, I received a call from child care. Apparently, my four year-old boy tried to start a mosh pit during naptime. FML

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41701

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By Anonymous - United States - Inez

Today, my husband and I broke the news to my 10-year-old son that in about 8 months, he'll have a baby brother or sister. I knew he never wanted a sibling, but I didn't expect him to throw a tantrum, then look at me through teary eyes and scream, "Why can't you keep your fucking legs closed?" FML

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39522

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By King.Dick. - United States - Windsor Heights

Today, I had to give a presentation at school about King Richard III. I realized too late that someone had changed his name to "King Dick" on all the slides. My little sister later broke into hysterics and confessed this had been her April Fool's prank. FML

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30944

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my six year old daughter discovered the family's pet rabbit in the basement freezer. The rabbit had died almost a year ago, and we'd stored it in the freezer, intending to bury it later. Here's to the trauma of losing the family pet. Twice. FML

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8724

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By Surprisebuttsecks? - Canada

Today, my girlfriend shoved a Q-tip up my ass while I was brushing my teeth. FML

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41059

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By silly_billy - United States

Today, I was eating lunch with my wife. We were having a nice time when a man came up to me. He said, "Hey! Bill how are you?" I wasn't really sure, so being polite I said, "I'm sorry, I can't remember your name." He frowned and walked away. It was my company's Chairman of the Board. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Perth

Today, my boyfriend discovered how to make me queef on demand when he has his fingers inside me. I now feel like my love life has been replaced with fart sounds. FML

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36598

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By NatchezParadox

Tinder surprised

Today, I watched as my Tinder date arrived at the coffee shop and mistook another woman for me. He never realized she was the wrong girl, and they spent the entire date together before leaving. The only similarity between me and the other woman was our hair. FML

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2664

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By insomnitude - United States

Today, I got mugged by a midget. FML

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41694

You deserved it

13768

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By NowBroke - United Kingdom - Malmesbury

Today, I found out my mother drives my car. I was okay with it; I don't use it all the time and she's my mother. However, I was not okay with the multiple speeding tickets that came through in the post. "You're the registered keeper, so why should I pay?" FML

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25479

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By - United Kingdom

Today me and my boyfriend were in an adventurous sexual position and as I started to orgasm he slipped, landed awkwardly and dislocated both my hips, while I was in the middle of an orgasm. Somehow the pleasure of the orgasm made the pain worse. I don't think I'll ever want sex again. FML

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3524

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395

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By Caught - United States

Today, I was in the car hooking up with my boyfriend. He was on top of me when I noticed my neighbor jogging toward the car. Instead of hiding, I felt compelled to wave as he jogged past us. FML

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8639

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By bit_fluff - 20/10/2020 02:01

Splashed out

Today, I decided to redye my hair. And the sink, and the wall, and the toilet seat, and the tub. FML

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444

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By Dickhead - Lebanon

Today, I found a condom on my bed with a note written by my girlfriend that said, "Since you started acting like a dick, you might as well dress like one." FML

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14479

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, after months of apartment hunting with my boyfriend, he told me he had found a fantastic place that was really inexpensive. It seemed way too good to be true. It was. He took me to a storage unit. FML

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6429

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By Anonymous - United States - Oregon City

Today, I woke up from a sexy dream about my boyfriend. Too bad I'd fallen asleep in my living room with my whole family over, grandma included. They were all staring. I'd been sleep humping and moaning. FML

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39992

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By Anonymous - United States - Lawrenceville

Today, my boyfriend wrote me a love letter saying about how much he cares for me, how he'd die for me and how he wants to spend his life with me. What really took my breath away was the confession at the end about how he "accidentally" cheated on me with my best friend. FML

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22997

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By rammedbehind - United States

Today, I was driving to work when a state trooper rammed into my car from behind, because he was on the cell phone and not paying attention. He gave me a ticket for "Failure to control speed to avoid a crash." FML

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84528

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By Sweeney - United States

Today, I decided to finally use the gym membership I got a few weeks ago. After I returned to the locker room, the locker I used was opened with all my stuff, including my iTouch, cell phone, and my wallet with cash stolen. It turns out I left the sticker that tells you your combo on my new lock. FML

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17885

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By Anonymous - 23/7/2020 23:01

Boundaries

Today, I texted my friend, asking if he could give me a ride. He assumed I meant sex, and told me I need to respect boundaries. I actually needed a ride to the hospital for a concussion. FML

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1755

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend's mom still refers to his ex as 'the daughter she never had.' FML

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34232

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By story of my life. - Switzerland

Today, at a party I told this guy that I really liked his pirate costume. Turns out he wasn't wearing a costume, his eye was shot out with a BB gun. This explains the eye patch. FML

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Top comments

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#1741415 - Tuesday 23 November 2010 22:03

I love old people.

I cannot wait for the day that I am old and can do whatever the fuck I want wherever the fuck I want.

By C19_fml | 9

#1741407 - Tuesday 23 November 2010 22:02

Epic.

COMMENTS

By STr8_CaLi_d0p3 | 4

#1741402 - Tuesday 23 November 2010 22:02

gross

fakeaccountX | 6

#1741568 - Tuesday 23 November 2010 22:40

When you are confused beyond belief, the fart is the only intelligent response.

StoryOfTheYear | 13

#1741707 - Tuesday 23 November 2010 23:33

It's how she can start walking again
Get that extra helping of torque

I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#1741715 - Tuesday 23 November 2010 23:37

I dont get it...

Charlotteeexx | 0

#1741803 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 0:07

my cock is a flower

TheRealFamilyGuy | 5

#1741867 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 0:23

is it just me or do old people have the longest and loudest farts? I once experienced on that went for at least 40 secs and moved between tenor and bass.

FarSide | 22

#1742347 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 2:55

You should have told Grandma it WAS a computer, and then shot video as she tried to FaceBook her friends with it.

smashgrab | 0

#1742416 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 3:16

102 wins everything!

bigblue95 | 0

#1742425 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 3:18

she probably thought u said cock. lmao

Hamsterzilla | 0

#1743053 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 7:15

WOW.

icecreamdriveby | 5

#1744360 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 14:20

Haha 52, your comment made my night.

pwincessa23 | 1

#1758337 - Saturday 27 November 2010 9:52

WTF? "ur cock is a flower"??!!!! really?!

th3b0ss | 0

#1759454 - Saturday 27 November 2010 15:16

bazinga

creamofwheat | 4

#1760064 - Saturday 27 November 2010 19:42

Gee, I didn't know you POSSESSED a cock.

By novair | 5

#1741405 - Tuesday 23 November 2010 22:02

zing

H3ALTHFR3AK | 0

#1741662 - Tuesday 23 November 2010 23:19

the same bitch probably tries to drive

TheOptimist | 0

#1742298 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 2:35

Someone's a sleepwalker.

By C19_fml | 9

#1741407 - Tuesday 23 November 2010 22:02

Epic.

anorexicbarbie | 8

#1741755 - Tuesday 23 November 2010 23:53

No, it's not you douchebag.

Only oceans, long narratives, and the cosmos are epic.

StoryOfTheYear | 13

#1741940 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 0:42

Literally owned, literally

killjimmy | 0

#1742247 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 2:15

Actually, it would be figuratively.

CoachLlama | 5

#1742366 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 3:01

Someone has been reading a certain pirates page.

kittydidit | 0

#1742650 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 4:33

Epic indeed, C19. I couldn't agree more.

fluorescentadole_fml | 8

#3760518 - Tuesday 20 December 2011 11:16

I love you 58 and 73! I wish all these dumbasses hadn't learned the word epic!

By tommyxtroutx23 | 0

#1741409 - Tuesday 23 November 2010 22:02

Change her diaper!!

KRYPTON1T3 | 5

#2008440 - Wednesday 26 January 2011 6:26

lmao! wow.

By River_Hill_Kid | 0

#1741413 - Tuesday 23 November 2010 22:03

i remember the fifth time that happened to me...

crazykidd15 | 0

#1742012 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 0:59

lol I hate when that happens!

Elizabeth123654 | 0

#1743393 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 9:24

whut..!?

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#1741415 - Tuesday 23 November 2010 22:03

I love old people.

I cannot wait for the day that I am old and can do whatever the fuck I want wherever the fuck I want.

xLil_Mx | 0

#1742118 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 1:44

So you gonna wear that tiger costume when you're old?

MuchDance90s | 0

#1742438 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 3:21

me too

Argento1301 | 0

#1742588 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 4:13

right on

passwordusername | 0

#1742935 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 6:19

Hehe, based on your pic, you aready do what the heck you want ...

Troll45 | 0

#1744294 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 13:52

that's not him that pic is all over the internet

SebIsBest | 0

#1745836 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 18:18

Old people FTW.

owencgray | 10

#5817215 - Sunday 5 January 2014 4:43

yep

By DocBastard | 38

#1741437 - Tuesday 23 November 2010 22:09

I'm old! I was confused!

/Uncle Leo

devileyekill | 0

#1741541 - Tuesday 23 November 2010 22:32

It was just a book they way overreacted.

michael666 | 7

#5632054 - Saturday 17 August 2013 23:25

uncle leo was a random friendly super mutant in fallout 3, I wonder what ever happened to him..

By bladomas | 2

#1741450 - Tuesday 23 November 2010 22:11

lmao, stupid grandma, shoot her

nikki456123 | 0

#1741822 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 0:11

when your old I hope your grandchildren shoot u

marylovesyou8D | 7

#1742843 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 5:45

I would hate to be your grandmother.

ichikibobivopula | 0

#2376078 - Wednesday 20 April 2011 5:30

dickface

By Zoesbiggestfan | 0

#1741455 - Tuesday 23 November 2010 22:11

XD Funniest fml ever

By Herox | 0

#1741463 - Tuesday 23 November 2010 22:13

its worse than Saddam's mustard gas!

OolioFoolio | 0

#1743684 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 10:22

Win.