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Wonderful

By whyme - 12/04/2017 22:00

Today, I met a wonderful man and agreed to go on a date. Halfway through the date, he started telling about how much he hates his wife. And his four kids. I texted him after I walked out, saying not to call me again. He agreed. His wife didn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 514

You deserved it 364

By Ctmusher - 14/04/2017 16:00

Today, my four Huskies played tug-o-war with a woodchuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 990

You deserved it 424

By Anonymous - 27/12/2016 18:28 - Israel - Petah Tiqwa

Today, I was showing the Instagram of my crush to my cousin. He double-tapped the picture, thinking it would zoom it in. It was posted 5 months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 641

You deserved it 1 543

Too late

By hinting - 17/06/2013 16:43 - United States - Dearborn

Spicy

Today, my grandma's new dildo arrived in the mail. We buried her yesterday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 76 623

You deserved it 4 594

By trekkiewife - 20/10/2015 19:45 - United States - New Port Richey

Today, my husband jokingly said to me, "I think you love Captain Kirk more than me." Without thinking, I said in a serious tone, "I think I do, too." FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 155

You deserved it 7 985

Here in my car, I feel safest of all

By Geric Brawner - 12/05/2017 22:00

Today, my car broke down in traffic. It's okay though, everyone honked in support while I moved my vehicle from the busy intersection. Only the third time this month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 659

You deserved it 1 030

By Partyofthree - 06/06/2017 00:00

Today, I work at a private pool where I can get up to six people in for free. Naturally, I invited my crush. She brought her boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 347

You deserved it 1 149

Caught in 4K

By NewRoommateNeededASAP - 13/10/2016 01:29 - United States

Spicy

Today, I skipped class and went to back my apartment early. I found out that my roommate had broken into my room and was laying in my bed wearing my underwear, taking pictures of herself. Apparently, she's been doing it all semester. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 007

You deserved it 793

Turn on

By bodyelectric - 13/04/2009 12:07 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. He knows that I love when he breathes on my neck. Just when I was about to finish, he put his lips a millimeter away from my neck and ear, and breathed, "I love how you smell like my grandmother's house." FML

I agree, your life sucks 111 902

You deserved it 9 782

The truth

By Class - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Newton Center

Today, I brought my 90-year-old grandfather into school for a project that required to bring in "a first-hand account" of the Great Depression. He started off by telling the class how in his day, they "threw rocks at black people." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 994

You deserved it 4 615

BREAKING NEWS

By Anonymous - 10/05/2012 20:17 - United States - Aurora

Today, I found out that my husband is the biological father of my baby sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 271

You deserved it 3 645

Tu as compris ?

By gleefan116 - 28/08/2010 00:18 - United States

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend, who recently started French classes, and I were having sex. Knowing how whispering in my ear turns me on, she whispered something in French, and I came. Later I found out it meant something like, "You should lose a lot of weight." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 653

You deserved it 9 080

You're under arrest

By poo_shoe123 - 31/03/2009 20:47 - United States

Today, I was called by my 9 year old son's teacher. He had handcuffed himself to his desk with handcuffs he found in my room. I was told to please bring in the key and not to leave my kinky toys out where a child could get them. I'm a cop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 107 664

You deserved it 10 246

Dreaming of me

By forever alone - 30/08/2016 13:55 - Trinidad and Tobago - San Fernando

Spicy

Today, I had a terrible dream where my aunt paid a stripper to have sex with me, since I'm 27 and haven't even kissed a guy yet. I ended up taking the dream-stripper to the mall for snacks instead. Even my dreams are mocking me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 824

You deserved it 1 662

By JTinNJ - 27/08/2016 11:57 - United States - Parsippany

Today, I woke up and poured myself a large glass of orange juice from a carton and took a big gulp only to realize it was liquid eggs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 600

You deserved it 3 097

By Bassackward - 25/08/2016 05:53

Today, I decided to pop the question to my beloved. Perfect lighting, fresh cut roses, a fancy dinner. The restaurant was in on it too. Shame they brought out the wedding-themed congratulations dessert before I actually went down on my knee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 955

You deserved it 1 296

By iloveretail - 08/08/2016 19:14 - United Kingdom - Nottingham

Today, a woman threatened to stab my eyes out because I wouldn't let her into the shop I closed and locked up half an hour ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 893

You deserved it 829

Goodbye, 7 years of sobriety...

By Mash-brakketz - 25/10/2017 22:26

Today a gasoline canister leaked in our work garage and filled my office with fumes. It got me high and nauseous even though I went out for air constantly. I had a meltdown and was sent home. I'm still high. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 355

You deserved it 297

By je_regrette_tout - 09/03/2013 18:50 - France - Livry-gargan

Spicy

Today, a technician from my ISP came to my house to replace my router. He asked for a glass of water, one thing led to another, and for some reason I'll never fully understand, we ended up having sex. Looks like porn logic is not so far off the mark after all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 223

You deserved it 66 302

By Can’t Cope - 19/11/2017 19:00

Spicy

Today, my fiancé is going to Planned Parenthood to see if he got herpes from a prostitute. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 673

You deserved it 548

By Anonymous - 20/07/2016 22:28 - United States - Columbus

Today, I went to a new doctor. While filling out charts she looked up and said, "I'm assuming you are single." FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 795

You deserved it 938

By broke - 02/12/2017 15:00

Today, my work informed me that they didn't process my pay in time, so I won't get paid until the end of next month. I have less than £10 to last me until then. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 297

You deserved it 309

By 21anddumb - 08/01/2018 23:23

Today, my dad brought home a strawberry shortcake to celebrate my turning 21 at midnight. It looked amazing, but it would've been better if he'd remembered that I’ve been allergic to berries for 6 years now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 002

You deserved it 365

Noel J Reed tells us more.

Noel J Reed 10

Monday 8 January 2018 19:33

Hi, op here. So I understand that while strawberries aren’t technically berries, I am in fact still allergic to them and pretty much every berry and berry like fruit, I’ve been hospitalized due to this so we all take it very seriously. And btw lobby_bee I’m not only a barely 5’2 woman, I’m a psychology major who is open to talk to you about all this anger you have for random people on the internet. Oh, and you misspelled grateful :)

By Flyyyy - 26/01/2018 01:30 - Italy - Lissone

Today, I'm traveling halfway around the world to see my long-distance boyfriend. Today, he informed me that he took the wrong days off from work and will not be joining me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 577

You deserved it 434

Unreasonable

By Anonymous - 30/06/2016 14:14 - United States - Coldwater

Today, I am one year away from getting a university degree. Unfortunately, my parents just kicked me out because I wouldn't drop out and work for free at our family's gas station. I'm now broke, homeless, and have no way to pay for school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 399

You deserved it 1 388

Dick joke

By awilson - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was eating M&Ms on a chair when I dropped one and it fell under my crotch. My mom came in to see me with my hand on my crotch while angrily muttering, "Where's that little bastard gone?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 351

You deserved it 17 026

By Anonymous - 01/02/2018 19:00

Today, because I left my wallet at home, I got arrested for "underage smoking." I'm 32 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 769

You deserved it 701

My package

By Nikki - 20/11/2019 05:00

Today, I finally received the vibrator I ordered online. Too bad they labeled what the item was on the outside of the box, and my dad was the one to pick up the packages. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 553

You deserved it 733

The truth

By Iahim - 25/01/2020 14:00

Today, I tried to prank my girlfriend. I said, “I saw you kissing another guy!” She apologized. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 419

You deserved it 725

By SchwesterGrimm - 19/06/2016 21:41

Today, a man sat next to me on a train carriage, despite various empty seats. During a weird conversation, I told him that I'm on my way back from London after seeing a friend from Germany there. He goes on to talk about Nazis and, with one arm in the air, asks me if he's doing the salute right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 393

You deserved it 970

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The Top

The Top

Today, I got a letter in the mail from corporate saying that I'm being demoted because I don't work enough hours. I also got a text from my boss congratulating me on making the best sales numbers for November. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 851

You deserved it 2 316

Today, I had red eyes from crying, and everyone assumed that my mom, who has been seriously ill, had died so they tried comforting me. It was quite embarrassing to have to tell them that it was because I'd just watched the last episode of season 4 of Veronica Mars. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 256

You deserved it 722

Today, after my girlfriend warned me she has the condition hypersexuality and like a fool I thought I’d landed on my feet, or on my back as it were, do you have any idea how bad sex is when you have it between 5 and 10 times a day for over a year? It’s basically a chore at this point. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 041

You deserved it 740

Today, my dream job became open at a moment when I'm looking for a change. They require video editing experience, which I have from an old position at a place known for its uncooperative and incompetent leadership. Guess which job threw all my published work into a bottomless pit when I left? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 028

You deserved it 224

Today, I now know how it feels when a football lands directly on the top of your head. While I don't consider myself to be the unluckiest person in the world, I'd say I'm pretty high up there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 686

You deserved it 148

Today, my boyfriend of four years proposed to me and I said yes. A few hours later, I found out he's been talking to multiple other girls for about three months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 929

You deserved it 117