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By someoneelsessaliva - 05/06/2010 06:59 - Australia

Today, my two friends and I went to the movies. One of my friends brought my crush. They started making out, leaning over the armrest, until they were practically in my lap. Saliva got on my arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 488

You deserved it 4 203

By Anonymous - 13/09/2009 02:42 - United States

Today, I was on the phone with my boyfriend while looking at Halloween costumes online for this year's Halloween party and said, "Maybe we could go as Bonnie and Clyde this year." He said, "Maybe we should go as a broken up couple," and hung up on me. He wasn't kidding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 550

You deserved it 3 916

Money, Ethan

By Anonymous - 27/06/2021 08:01

Today, I felt like working out again since it’s been a while. When I was done and talking to my wife about how good I felt afterwards, my 3 year-old came and patted my stomach and said, "Baby in there, baby in there." Yes, I feel so good. FML

I agree, your life sucks 831

You deserved it 175

Culture wars

By Anonymous - 01/09/2022 00:00

Today, I was visiting California with a friend. I saw a lot of palm trees by the road and asked my friend, "Wouldn't that be dangerous when there are coconuts...?" My friend gave me weird look and told me that those are two different trees. Turns out I thought palm trees and coconut trees are the same tree for 20+ years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 792

You deserved it 473

This is us

By Anonymous - 30/12/2023 12:00 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, my blind mother kept covering her ears any time I spoke to her and kept counting down every 20 minutes to the upcoming NFL game, which came on at 4pm. Finally dejected, my husband and I left after kickoff. She made my father call to guilt trip us about how she wanted us to stay for the game for Christmas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 531

You deserved it 112

By Peach - 02/03/2012 05:46 - United States

Today, I found one of my roommate's giant yellow toenail clippings on the counter next to the kitchen sink. When I confronted him about it, he told me the cat must have carried it out of his bedroom and put it there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 718

You deserved it 2 174

By kayt240 - 04/05/2011 05:41 - Canada

Today, my husband told me that he's letting his mother move in with us. He told her it was alright without even consulting me first. I hate my mother-in-law so much that I'm contemplating divorce rather than living with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 435

You deserved it 8 088

By AbFlab - 01/06/2010 04:35 - United States

Today, I've been dieting and working out trying to work towards some solid abs because I know my girlfriend digs that stuff. I've been miserable trying to achieve this goal, plus to make things even better while kissing today she grabbed my stomach and said "I just love your abs of... flab." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 827

You deserved it 5 236

By FUUUUCK - 11/02/2014 20:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I was Skyping with a guy I'm really into. I'm not supposed to Skype at night, so when I heard my mum coming, I minimized the window. She walked in before I could mute my mic and started bitching me out for flushing my tampons down the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 467

You deserved it 26 107

By A troubled ex med school student - 06/02/2013 03:08 - United States - Dublin

Today, I attended my first surgery as part of my program at med school. I found out that when I see someone's intestines, I vomit. Even if I'm still wearing a surgical mask. There goes the thousands of dollars I spent on college. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 235

You deserved it 6 709

By dirtyclothess - 02/05/2011 00:01

Today, my mom informed me that she doesn't wash my clothes anymore. Instead, she sprays them with Febreze to "save money". FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 959

You deserved it 8 169

Some BFF…

By reginaphalange - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - Australia

Today, I found out that my best friend was having a birthday party and I wasn't invited. I had just finished planning a surprise party for her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 251

You deserved it 3 377

By catlady - 01/03/2009 20:36 - United States

Today, my cat was in the bathroom when I was undressing to get into the shower. I realized that he was the only male to have seen me naked in the past two months. Then he started scratching the door for me to let him out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 651

You deserved it 9 073

Brief encounter

By Angry Orphan - 09/09/2022 15:29

Today, after I got reacquainted with an old friend with whom it'd been 12 years since we last spoke, both divorced, with kids, we started talking, start feeling things for each other. We'd both agreed to take things slow. We spend an amazing weekend together, made plans to spend my birthday together, and then I was ghosted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 504

You deserved it 175

By Anonymous - 09/02/2014 19:00 - United States - Lowell

Today, I caught my boyfriend stealing money from my purse. He tried to turn it on me by claiming I'll owe him for the flowers he'll get me on Valentine's Day, then tried to make me feel guilty by saying the whole thing is for "selfish bitches anyway". FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 697

You deserved it 5 441

By perfect - 04/02/2013 20:47 - Canada - Whitby

Today, my boyfriend and I arrived at our pre-paid hotel for a romantic evening. When we went to sign in, they had no reservation for us, however they did yesterday. The payment is non-refundable. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 848

You deserved it 6 089

By Username - 30/04/2011 08:51 - United Kingdom

Today, at the age of 17, I had my first kiss with the girl I've liked for over a year. However, it was a stage kiss and the girl has made it clear that she finds me repulsive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 637

You deserved it 4 640

Tactical

By Anonymous - 07/02/2014 23:16 - United Kingdom

Today, wanting to break up with my boyfriend, I invited him to dinner with my parents. I was sure they'd hate him, which would give me the excuse I needed. They ended up loving him, and now they won't stop mentioning marriage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 744

You deserved it 53 149

Great planning

By TheBaconater - 03/02/2013 16:22 - United States - Baraboo

Today, I woke up to a voicemail from my manager saying I had the day off. Excited, I made plans with my friends. A few minutes ago I got a call from my other manager yelling at me for not showing up, and the original manager revealed he had me confused with another girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 808

You deserved it 2 255

Gratitude

By srsly_what - 28/04/2011 23:13 - United Kingdom

Today, a little girl wandered into the glass-cleaning area of the pub I work at. It's a dangerous place for a little kid, so I took her hand and asked where her mum was. The kid starts screaming and the mother appears in the doorway shouting "GET AWAY FROM MY BABY!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 977

You deserved it 3 543

By GoodDog - 09/09/2009 13:21 - United States

Today, I yelled at my dog for waking me up growling and barking out the window. He was doing it at the person stealing my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 858

You deserved it 51 922

By Candy - 20/05/2010 12:37 - United States

Today, my mom bought me some expensive Japanese candy. I opened it, and saw that each chewy candy was wrapped in a thin, hard to peel off wrapper. After trying to get each wrapper off, I determined they were unopen-able and threw them away. I then read the box, saying the wrappers were edible. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 362

You deserved it 56 652

It isn't

By Anonymous - 08/07/2021 16:02

Today, it's my birthday, none of my friends wished me a thing. I spent the whole day crying and then decided to call few of them and sobbingly demanded an explanation. Most of them didn't pick up, the rest called me a drama queen, saying that my birthday isn't as important as I think. FML

I agree, your life sucks 778

You deserved it 1 816

By idislikeblanks - 30/01/2013 07:03 - United States - Lathrop

Today, my 5-year-old nephew had the most amazing idea: to play a game with my keys. He took out all ten keys individually and hid them around the house. So far it's been two hours and I haven't found a single one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 902

You deserved it 4 119

Xenu approves

By sonofanut - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I found out my mom has been stealing from me to pay for Scientology courses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 710

You deserved it 2 474

By Text - 25/04/2011 16:27 - United States

Today, I asked my friend to stop texting me, because I'm on a limited plan and didn't want to go over my limit. She responded by getting a group of her friends to text bomb me. I got well over a hundred one-word texts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 255

You deserved it 8 386

People are jerks

By Anonymous - 09/07/2021 03:59

Today, I cleaned the two staircases at the hotel where I work. Five minutes later, someone complained they were dirty. Someone had dropped soda and got mud all over them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 931

You deserved it 69

Busted

By faulty number - 28/01/2013 23:25 - United States - Port Saint Lucie

Today, I have been waiting for a call from a job I applied for. I soon got a text from my current boss, who doesn't know I'm job hunting, letting me know that the recruiter was trying to reach me. It turns out that the phone number on my resumé was wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 772

You deserved it 38 982

FAKE NEWS!

By cocomitchie - 07/07/2021 00:01

Today, I have a serious bladder problem, which causes me to frequently urinate. If I'm unable to, I get really bad cramps. To ensure I always can go, I got a note from my doctor stating I can go during class. My professor threw it away and claimed it was fake. Hello, cramps. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 194

You deserved it 99

Bad buzz

By Anonymous - 20/09/2022 10:00

Today, I went to fix my porch light. I have called maintenance multiple times about it, but I finally decided to just fix it myself. There was a wasps' nest in the light. FML

I agree, your life sucks 977

You deserved it 121

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Keywords

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The Top

Today, I lost my virginity in a porta-potty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 043

You deserved it 47 439

Today, I enjoyed a romantic evening at home with my husband while a babysitter took care of my 5-year-old daughter. After she came home, she told me the sitter let her use her "weird swing." I wasn't too worried, until she said it was indoors, and I realized she was describing a sex swing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 813

You deserved it 4 468

Today, I was working the graveyard shift as a security guard. I fell asleep in my car doing paperwork around 2 am. When my supervisor came to check on me, he pounded on my window, wearing a "Scream" mask. I panicked and pepper sprayed him. Too bad my window was closed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 303

You deserved it 36 071

Today, my girlfriend offered a blow job, but my hair got stuck in her braces so instead we tried to pull them all out. And no, I didn't get any. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 897

You deserved it 13 419

Does this guy really deserve it so many times? And who did it? We know.

I agree, your life sucks 513

You deserved it 152

Today, I connected my phone to my car’s Bluetooth to listen to music. I didn’t realize my playlist had shuffled onto an old voice memo where I'd drunkenly recorded myself singing a heartfelt love song about pizza. It played as my boss got in for our carpool to a conference. I had to sit through the drive while she hummed along to “Cheese, you complete me.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 105

You deserved it 427