The Top

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Joe Smooth

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Hebron

Today, I went on my first date. Everything went great until I went to brush my date's hair over her ear like they do in the movies. I poked her dead in the eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 316

You deserved it 16 654

By Anonymous - 07/09/2010 19:16 - United States

Today, 50,000 copies of the new edition of the town's phone book came out. I manage a pizza place and bought a full menu ad. Apparently the ad designer got confused, as they placed my cell phone number in huge bold letters at the bottom of the ad instead of the store's phone number. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 578

You deserved it 3 683

Pete Townshend has a lot to answer for

By FML4evs - 10/04/2009 02:43 - United States

Today, my little brother watched an old video of The Who, who are know for smashing up their guitars and such. He decided it would be cool to try it with mine. That guitar was worth over $3000. FML

I agree, your life sucks 86 015

You deserved it 4 689

By Anonymous - 13/08/2019 06:00

Today, like every day for the past year or so, I went for a walk. And like every time I go for a walk, I got severely winded halfway through. I have no medical issues like asthma, I’m just out of shape. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 218

You deserved it 774

By markzar - 05/05/2012 07:19 - United States - Amherst

Today, I had food poisoning. When I was finally able to drag myself to the kitchen for some Gatorade, I got stung by a wasp. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 763

You deserved it 2 326

Parenting is sharing

By Stephanie - 12/03/2025 20:00 - United States

Today, as a new mother post-partum, I was overwhelmed as fuck. I hit rock bottom. I couldn’t get my infant to stop crying. I already fed him, changed his diaper, and held him. My husband smugly told me, “Why you crying for? You were moaning, “Nut inside me, Daddy” during sex. This is what you signed up for!” FML

I agree, your life sucks 507

You deserved it 355

By Fmylife.25 - 03/09/2010 19:56 - United States

Today, I got the haircut I've been wanting for ages. I then called my girlfriend of two years and asked what she would do if I got a haircut. She told me she would dump me and then invited me to her house for dinner. I'm scared to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 093

You deserved it 6 184

Pussy palace

By S12Sophia - 02/05/2012 22:06 - France

Today, my boyfriend and I were making love for the first time, when out of nowhere my cat meowed from the doorway. My boyfriend sighed, pulled out, and exasperatedly called me a selfish bitch for not having put my cat outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 109

You deserved it 5 482

Sensual moment

By Ekh0es - 11/04/2021 21:30 - United States - Garfield

Today, I was giving a friend a neck rub when she started to breathe heavily. I figured she was getting into it, so I started kissing her neck. She then turned around and said, "Tell my roommate I'm having an asthma attack." FML

I agree, your life sucks 670

You deserved it 2 538

Consequences

By you’re one to talk! - 27/06/2022 02:00 - United States

Today, I reluctantly went to a family get together. My nosy aunt decided to try to lecture me on why I should spank my kids. That’s great coming from a woman who was a teen mom, had kids with 3 different guys, and now has grown kids that hate her guts. Yeah I truly need lessons on how to be a mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 965

You deserved it 117

Dog's dinner

By Bad Pet Sitter - 27/09/2023 08:00 - United States

Today, it's been a week since my brother asked me to watch his dog while he's on a business trip. I let his dog out to do his business, and he ran right in front of a pickup. The driver didn't stop in time, and crushed the dog's head. I went to check on him. He's dead, and I will be too when my brother gets back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 403

You deserved it 887

By Anonymous - 13/04/2013 22:53 - United States

Today, I had to sell over $400 worth of china at a flea market. I barely got paid enough to refill my gas tank. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 383

You deserved it 7 901

Recipe for disaster

By Anonymous - 27/06/2022 06:00

Today, my ex-boyfriend asked me for emotional support because his crazy new girlfriend hit him in the face over a text of mine. Fuck his life, as I was only asking for his mum's ravioli recipe, but I'm a little surprised he's already on vacation with the new girl just two weeks after our break-up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 992

You deserved it 169

Handful

By Mary - 19/10/2009 01:11 - France

Today, I was walking my dogs when I noticed one of them had found something, and was eating it. After my command to "drop it" went unheeded, I took it upon myself to scoop it out of her mouth with my finger. After getting it all over my hand, I realized it was a piece of another dog's poop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 852

You deserved it 6 941

Boys will be annoying boys

By shouldve used a condom - 29/06/2022 14:00

Today, I was under the impression that my kids would eventually grow out of wanting to watch me use the bathroom. Instead, my 7 year-old son attempted to pick the lock so he could watch me take a shit and make fun of me for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 837

You deserved it 295

Think of the environment

By Anonyname - 18/05/2014 19:14 - United Kingdom

Today, my husband and I announced at a family get-together that I'm pregnant with our fourth child. My dad sighed, and spent the rest of the evening acting moody, and eventually muttering about how he'd raised a "damned broodmare." FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 928

You deserved it 10 635

By Matt - 28/04/2012 18:28 - United Kingdom - London

Today, the novelty of shaving a heart into my pubic hair for my wife vanished, when I woke up to find a collection of scabs around my pubes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 384

You deserved it 15 767

By nimrod23 - 18/10/2009 09:28 - Australia

Today, as I was walking home late at night, some asshole threw a lit cigarette butt out of their balcony. It fell between my glasses and my eye and left a burn mark on my cheek. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 094

You deserved it 2 538

Etiquette

By FootFlakes - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Boston

Today, I had to explain to my girlfriend once again that the dry skin she picks off her feet belong in the trash, not on our coffee table. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 438

You deserved it 4 525

By JoJo - 17/10/2009 06:26 - United States

Today, I realized that acne is a major side effect of a medication I'm taking. The medication is to help me with my anxiety. The acne is creating more anxiety. And the more anxious I get, the more meds I need. And the more my face breaks out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 084

You deserved it 5 199

Toxic workplace

By Anonymous - 19/04/2021 08:00 - United States - Cabot

Today, I quit my job because I wasn't given the time or space to pump for my newborn child. I went back to work 4 weeks postpartum, and they suggested I pump in the bathroom, my car or the freezer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 137

You deserved it 275

By Phazzer - 16/10/2009 13:39 - United States

Today, I went outside to enjoy the cool air without my glasses. I saw my neighbor doing the same, so I waved and said hi. When she didn't respond, I yelled and went back inside. It was only later when I went back out with my glasses on that I realized I was being ignored by a Halloween decoration. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 506

You deserved it 33 748

By nofatchicks - 12/05/2014 23:49 - United States - Tampa

Today, I nervously flirted with a very cute guy. Being a little overweight, I rarely think cute guys will go for me. This line of thinking was yet again correct when he casually pulled his sleeve up revealing a tattoo of a pinup girl with a "NO FAT CHICKS" sign below it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 831

You deserved it 7 863

By Monroe - 23/06/2011 22:30 - United States

Today, I was babysitting my cousin when I realized my aunt didn't tell me where the diapers were. I searched the entire house, but I had no luck. Then my cousin ripped off the diaper she was wearing and peed on the kitchen floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 354

You deserved it 4 253

Domestic bliss

By Good_old_Grim - 15/10/2009 13:51 - Latvia

Today, I stumbled upon my girlfriend's Twitter account that I didn't know existed. A recent entry states that living with me is pathetic; "it's just that the current economical situation doesn't leave her with many options." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 807

You deserved it 2 833

By AngryLittleMan - 23/04/2012 03:00 - United States

Today, I discovered something more dangerous than drivers who text: drivers who break your car windows with a bat while stopped at a red light. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 609

You deserved it 2 210

By jordeshting - 22/06/2011 15:28 - United Kingdom

Today, I complimented a girl on her stockings pattern. Turns out she wasn't wearing stockings. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 727

You deserved it 8 619

By Anonymous - 14/10/2009 19:13 - United States

Today, I walked into a T-Mobile store to get a new phone. I wanted all of my numbers on my new phone, but the customer service rep had to transfer them. He said jokingly, "I understand. You don't want to lose your girlfriend's number." My girlfriend and I broke up two days ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 081

You deserved it 7 672

Run for the hills

By SickofhisBs - 06/07/2022 12:00

Today, and every time I don’t feel like having sex with my boyfriend, he audibly jerks off, and passively aggressively moans to try and guilt trip me into doing it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 362

You deserved it 696

By Anonymous - 14/10/2009 01:34 - United States

Today, while walking in the mall, I spotted my ex boyfriend with his friends. To make myself look less lonely, I put my iPhone up to my ear and started an imaginary conversation with my invisible boyfriend. As I passed him, my phone started ringing loudly. It was him calling. He knew I was faking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 435

You deserved it 46 051

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The Top

Today, while vacationing, a small boy asked to see the baby I was holding, wrapped in a blanket. I showed him, and his face reflexively scrunched up. The boy's mother came and apologized to me. Her face scrunched up too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 377

You deserved it 1 934

Today, wanting to be on time for my first job interview, I woke up at the crack of dawn and walked almost an hour through a thunderstorm. When I arrived, I was told that the manager wasn't in today, because of the bad weather. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 967

You deserved it 2 019

Today, my boyfriend told me love is like a drug. I started tearing up because this is the most romantic he has been in a while. He then went on to break up with me, telling me that my "prescription is up". FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 277

You deserved it 3 673

Today, my long-distance boyfriend told me that he was going to pee on me to "mark his territory." When I told him that it was disgusting, he said, "last time, I just peed on you in the shower." FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 785

You deserved it 3 602

Today, I was performing in the musical 'Cabaret'. I was playing a Nazi soldier, swastika armband and all. Someone thought it would be funny to take my real clothes while I was on stage. I had to walk a mile back my house with my costume on. Someone threw eggs at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 495

You deserved it 5 613

Today, I was walking my dog when we passed by a group of teenagers. My social anxiety urged me to appear like a cool, confident adult, so I threw a stick for my dog to fetch, expecting him to dash off as usual. Instead, he sat down and stared at me like I was crazy. One of the kids said, “He’s got more sense than you.” My dog barked in agreement. FML

I agree, your life sucks 136

You deserved it 452