Love: Today, I waited in line to get into a club with my girlfriend,...

By intranator - Jordan

Today, I waited in line to get into a club with my girlfriend, the bouncer only let her in, she told me to call her if I needed anything and left me. We were supposed to celebrate my birthday. FML

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Love

Sorry…

Jonah begs to differ

Sounds lovely

By "Sarah Ellsberry"

Today, my girlfriend and I moved back in after over a month of couch hopping and $2,000 of heat and chemical treatments for a chronic bedbug issue. I just found bedbugs on my legs. We've used all our favors and have nowhere to go. FML

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By KayleeXLoVe21 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. The lights kept on going on and off. Why? The lights are activated by "clap on, clap off." It killed the mood. FML

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By wowthanks - United States - Baldwin Park

Today, I was asked out by a friend of mine. He's a doctor and works at a prestigious hospital, so thinking we would eat somewhere special, I got all dressed up. We ended up eating at his hospital's cafeteria, because he gets a small employee discount. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, both my car and my father's car were broken into. They stole my radio, purse, wallet, camera, and multiple items of clothing. What did they take from my dad's car? Some screwdrivers to rip my radio out of my dash. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized my job is so boring that I spend most of my time trying to take a dump than actually working. FML

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By bonedregardless - United States

Today, at my cashier job, I got written up for accepting obviously photocopied coupons. Last week, I got written up for "inadequate customer service" because I refused to accept the same bogus coupons from the same customer. FML

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By roadkill0321 - United States

Today, my recently ex-girlfriend's mother called me regarding her baby girl, saying, "If you mess with the chicklet, you mess with the momma hen." I have no idea what the hell this means for my future, but I'm a bit scared. FML

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By housedoctor - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, after getting back from my interior design class, I told my husband that I learned the golden rule for home decor: "Have nothing in your houses that you do not know to be useful or believe to be beautiful." He looked at me dead in the eyes, and didn't say a word. FML

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By Anna - United States

Today, I had to give a speech on abstinence to a bunch of teenage boys, and surprisingly they were paying attention. After they left, I went to the bathroom and saw I had missed a few buttons on my blouse. The boys had a close up view of my cleavage for 3 hours. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Chelsea

Today, my boyfriend went down on me with whiskey in his mouth. It felt like my genitals were on fire. FML

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By Anonymous

Smash the Patriarchy!

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend that yes, girls do get armpit hair, we just have to shave it. FML

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By Kimmiko - Germany

Today, I was driving on the motorway when a cop car made me stop. It was a routine check and when they said "Have you been drinking?" of course I said no. To that, my 6 year old sitting in the back screamed "Yes she did! She's lying I saw her drink!" I had drunk a milkshake. FML

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By Hammy - United States - Ann Arbor

Today, I finally noticed how lonely I am when I realized I was petting my couch while reading a book. FML

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By baby shak - United States

Today, I was planning to start my fitness regime and lose weight, using the bike that had been lying unused in my garden for the past six months. Tonight, the bike was stolen from my garden. FML

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By DearLord - Canada

Next, on The Jerry Springer Show…

Today, I had to explain to my boss that masturbating in public is inappropriate. This isn't the first time this has taken place. FML

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By f03_f0r_l1f3 - United States

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend. Driving her home, we got stuck in a construction zone. I waited half an hour with with my ex-girlfriend bawling her eyes out in the passenger seat as I watched the traffic lady eat her lunch. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Gainesville

Today, I'm so sick, I'm even sick in my dreams. Orientation for my new job starts tomorrow. FML

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By schoolkiddo - Australia

Today, my dad and his girlfriend left for a 10-day vacation. They booked an expensive beach-house. I'm an A grade student and just last month, he stopped paying my school fees because he 'couldn't afford it.' Oh, and he's making me feed the dog while he's away. FML

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By brokeandalone - United States

Today, I found out my wife has been bribing my daughter to keep quiet about her affair with my boss. That would explain the iPhone 4S, the $500 shoes, the $200 purse, and the professional $300 haircut. They told me it was because she had straight A's. FML

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By Luke - United States - Liverpool

Today, my department found out that we're getting a new supervisor for the third time this month. I joked about how we're like "the foster kid nobody wants." One of my coworkers burst into tears and ran off. I later found out that she had been a foster child and never once had a stable home. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Katy

Today, my in-laws were visiting. My mother-in-law asked my 10-year-old son what he wants to be when he grows up. He said "A pimp!" I have no idea where he even heard the word, but the death glares my in-laws gave me made me want to shrivel up and die. FML

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By Ayeya - United States

Today, I wanted to print out a 100 page game strategy guide using company's printer. While not wanting anyone to find out about this I picked a time where I thought no one would be printing. My CEO ended up standing next to me for 10 minutes waiting for his stuff to print after mine. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I decided to treat my yeast infection over the counter to avoid going to the doctor. Too bad I didn't read the directions. Now I have to go to the doctor to get the tip of the applicator removed. FML

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By JackSteely

Today, I found a wallet containing an ID card. I managed to track down the owner, who now is threatening to call the police if I don't return the 400 dollars that he insists were also in it. FML

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By sosoram - United States - Victorville

Today, I learned that the gentleman that found my wallet was not satisfied with the $300 cash and forged a check for a washer and dryer. I found out when I checked my account. It cleared. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Charleston

Today, I woke up to several dead snails and worms all over my bed. I guess that's what my little sister meant yesterday when she said I'd be sorry for not letting her play on my phone. FML

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By notgettingany - United States

Today, is my daughter's first birthday. Today also marks 1 year and 9 months since I last had sex with my wife. FML

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By Anonymous

Alas, poor Mickey

Today, I'm going to a cocktail event, except my dress is wrinkled and can't be ironed, so I got my steam cleaner from storage. I saw what looked like mold inside the water container. Turns out a mouse had got into it, drowned and started to decompose. My apartment now smells like death and my dress is still wrinkled. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, while at work, I cringed as I noticed my caveman colleague frantically digging into his nose and then continuing the use of his computer. I work in IT support and will be rebuilding his computer and reinstalling all his applications in 30 minutes time. FML

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By Jbheller - United States - Mountain Top

Today, after resigning from my current job, I was let go from the new job I hadn't even started yet. FML

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By meatballz - United States

Today, I went on my first date with a girl I have been infatuated with for months. At the restaurant, the waiter came while she was in the bathroom. I ordered steaks for both of us. Turns out, she is vegetarian, and doesn't like it when men are "overly aggressive". She called me a cow murderer. FML

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By Evjoel - Bermuda - Hamilton

Today, whilst making a cake for my kids, I accidentally got some cocoa powder in my nose. Now it feels like my nose is burning stronger than the fires of hell. On the bright side, everything smells like chocolate. FML

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By Anonymous - Belgium

Today, I was feeding some ducks. One of them choked to death on the old bread. FML

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By Jmdezy - United States

Today, I was drunk and sent my friend a picture of my penis. He edited the picture and put hands and sunglasses on it before sending it to practically everyone I know. FML

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By gross - United States

Today, I asked my one-year-old to come and give mommy a kiss. She did and it was really sweet, until she tried to spit a piece of dog food into my mouth. FML

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By Anonyme - France - Caen

Today, my 17-year-old son hacked off the legs of his bed with a saw. His explanation? "The bed looks cooler closer to the floor." FML

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By Distressed - United States

Today, I received a packet of papers in the mail by the state suing me for child support. I am 22 and still a virgin. FML

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By knockedup - Australia

Today, I had to say a deep sincere speech on assembly in front of the whole college on the recent floods in Queensland. Instead of saying "We are Queenslanders, when we get knocked down, we get back up" I stumbled and said "We are Queenslanders, when we get knocked up..." FML

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By Anonymous

The Taste of Love

Today, I was watching a romantic comedy at my boyfriend's house. During the make out scene, I decided to go in for a kiss. He apparently decided to belch at the same time. I could taste it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out why my husband had wanted to wait until marriage to get it on. Last night was the first night of our honeymoon, and he informed me that he wasn't always Ben, but used to be Brenda. His 'penis' doesn't work and he had wanted to know I "truly loved him" before he had let me know. FML

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Top comments

By acow | 0

#94694 - Thursday 9 April 2009 2:16

Wow, your girlfriend sounds like a wonderful person. Maybe you should find someone who is capable of empathy.

By potentpotable | 0

#94708 - Thursday 9 April 2009 2:18

Should've called her a couple of hours later asking her to run to the store to buy you some condoms because you were about to partake in a threesome with two hot blonds.

COMMENTS

By seitz96 | 0

#94679 - Thursday 9 April 2009 2:13

Ouch, Maybe something later?

Philosophic | 0

#933358 - Wednesday 10 March 2010 23:02

Sounds like a life-size "Snickerdoodles"... DUMPED plox?

Rawr100 | 0

#3066336 - Monday 8 August 2011 22:56

it kinda reminds me of a that 70s show episode

By toby02050 | 0

#94688 - Thursday 9 April 2009 2:15

been there, hopefully next years better

By pikachu_01 | 0

#94693 - Thursday 9 April 2009 2:16

Ouch... get a better girlfriend?

By acow | 0

#94694 - Thursday 9 April 2009 2:16

Wow, your girlfriend sounds like a wonderful person. Maybe you should find someone who is capable of empathy.

By gr8sexpectations | 0

#94695 - Thursday 9 April 2009 2:16

dump her ass

By treasa | 0

#94697 - Thursday 9 April 2009 2:16

I hope you dumped that bitch.

By flyfar54 | 0

#94701 - Thursday 9 April 2009 2:17

yeah, I really hope you dumped her!

By Jaxro | 6

#94703 - Thursday 9 April 2009 2:17

Haha, If you had went with me and got into the bar, you be kicked out for dumb things like pushing a midget.

By Linx_fml | 0

#94707 - Thursday 9 April 2009 2:18

ha, FYL indeed :P

By potentpotable | 0

#94708 - Thursday 9 April 2009 2:18

Should've called her a couple of hours later asking her to run to the store to buy you some condoms because you were about to partake in a threesome with two hot blonds.