Today, I waited in line to get into a club with my girlfriend,...

By intranator - 8/4/2009 21:43 - Jordan

Today, I waited in line to get into a club with my girlfriend, the bouncer only let her in, she told me to call her if I needed anything and left me. We were supposed to celebrate my birthday. FML

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Love

Rock, hard place

Nice neighborhood

Business savvy

By Cpt Colin - 3/1/2012 07:17 - United States

Get out of here

Today, my girlfriend hated the idea of sex so much she was willing to give me money for a stripper. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/4/2016 23:22 - United States - Houston

Today, I met my birth father for the first time. The first thing he told me was that if I ever get arrested, I should give him a call so his guys on the inside can look after me. I don't think there's going to be a second meeting. FML

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By cuntocracy - 21/1/2014 22:27 - Australia

Today, my brother asked me if I wanted to see a magic trick. I stupidly said yes and now have a black eye from where he punched me. My dad thinks it's hilarious and my mum says he didn't know any better. He's 13. FML

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By anonymous - 15/8/2010 13:12 - Netherlands

Today, I witnessed a series of nude old people cycling in the city. I was eating. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/6/2011 02:00 - United States

Today, my mother set off the alarms at Walmart by shoplifting. She shouted at me to run, which I didn't. I had to get a ride home from the security guard, since my mother left without me because I didn't get to her car fast enough. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/1/2011 18:22 - United Kingdom

Today, several family members, including my mum, deleted me from Facebook in a concerted show of contempt. Apparently, I just can't shut up about World of Warcraft. FML

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By AlwaysAwkward - 3/3/2014 02:30 - United States - Strongsville

Today, I got my first massage. At the end, the masseuse made a gesture indicating which way the exit was. After having had her hands all over my body for the past hour, I thought the gesture was indicative of a goodbye hug. Things got awkward really fast. FML

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By Lizzielollipop816 - 18/2/2010 06:38 - United States

Today, I was at McDonald's. I bumped into a guy, and as I was helping him pick up his food, I realized he was cute. I began smiling and I was about to introduce myself, when he began laughing and said ,"It's you! I've heard about you!" He left laughing. I still don't know who he is, or what made him laugh. FML

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By Dummy - 10/11/2009 05:47 - United States

Today, I saw an adorable girl at the bar and I went to talk to her. I decided to use my cheesiest pick up line to make her laugh. After I said it, she knew who I was. It was my cousin I hadn't seen in 8 years. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/10/2012 00:49 - Australia - Sandringham

Today, a man with a clipboard came up to me in the street to ask me if I was happy with my life insurance. I couldn't bring myself to admit to him that I'm so clueless about my own life that I wasn't sure I was even happy with the Twix I was eating at the time. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/7/2013 17:51 - Finland

Today, I was babysitting a kid for the first time. She asked if she could watch a movie, so I downloaded Cinderella for her. An hour later, this 10-year-old girl was lecturing me about unrealistic standards of beauty and abusive relationships, and how I suck for liking the movie. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/5/2016 17:51 - United States - Westfield

Today, I got my grades back. I got a very poor evaluation for my lit class, which was odd because it didn't match the impression from my end-of-class meeting with the professor. It does, however, include a nod to the supposedly-anonymous negative class review I gave her, though. FML

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By yum - 7/7/2013 05:09 - United States - Sylmar

Today, I was drinking from a cup with a built-in straw. After taking a long sip, I noticed a weird taste. Upon investigation, I found a small caterpillar wedged inside the straw. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2011 21:27 - Canada

Today, while at my job as a hostess, I was seating a couple and their adorable little girl. I tried to ask how old she was, but what came out was, "Aww, what breed is she?" FML

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By nerd - 19/11/2016 19:52

Today, I understand the finer points of the government in Star Wars better than I understand the U.S. government. FML

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By abusedparrot - 24/8/2014 12:40 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, the police knocked on my door, saying that they needed to investigate my house for animal abuse. Apparently the neighbours called, reporting a "screeching bird in pain". I have no bird, but I have been singing quite loudly recently. FML

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By - 13/1/2017 18:00

Today, I had to suspend a student. Apparently, someone convinced him that he turned invisible. He walked into the girls locker room thinking he could not be seen. I work at a high school. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2019 12:00 - United Kingdom - Swindon

Arse!

Today, I was watching TV with my grandma. She was looking for the remote, blindly trying to put her hand into the sofa. Instead, she shoved her hand down the back of my pants. FML

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By proteinboy - 16/11/2009 03:00 - United States

Today, I waited for 20 minutes to get a cab outside grand central station in New York (it was raining). Finally, to my relief, I found a cab but when I got in I let a little fart slip. Two minutes later the cabby kicked me out of his cab because I stunk. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/12/2010 03:03 - Korea Republic of

Today, I met my boyfriend's very strict and traditional Korean parents. I had to listen to them while they called me a skank and how I was fat and ugly compared to nice, pretty, Korean girls. They don't know I speak Korean. FML

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By Matt - 3/6/2012 14:21 - Australia - Tyabb

Today, I went to my girlfriend's house to break up with her. It was a hard decision and both of us became quite emotionally overwhelmed at the time. We began to hug as a final goodbye, then her mum burst in the room and yelled, "HE FINALLY PROPOSED!" FML

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By ol faithful - 3/9/2011 09:24 - Canada

Today, I was at the bar with a date. My date made a joke about me being a slow drinker, so I tried to impress her by chugging the rest of my glass. She was impressed with how fast I chugged my beer, until it came back up. FML

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By wtf?! - 30/5/2020 05:00

Purple rain, purple rain

Today, out of boredom, I decided to dye my hair. I clumsily spilled some of the purple dye on my chest and shoulders. My insane mother is convinced the marks are hickeys I got from sneaking out and having sex with a boyfriend I don’t even have. She won’t listen, and I’m grounded for a month. FML

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By TrailerTrash - 20/3/2009 23:34 - United States

Today, I had artfully managed to avoid anyone knowing that I was moving into a trailer park. I showed up at the trailer where all my friends, co-workers, and exes were waiting. My parents knew I was feeling down and wanted to throw me a surprise 'moving in' party. FML

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By anonymous - 23/1/2012 15:59 - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me we've just been fuck buddies for the entire year we've been "together." This wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't working up the courage to propose to her on our anniversary. FML

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By arrow - 30/7/2018 19:00

Today, my math teacher decided to give everyone in the class candy. He skipped me, and when another student pointed it out, his response was "I don’t like her." FML

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By pandabear - 12/2/2010 19:52 - United Kingdom

Today, I got an alert from Facebook that it was my very popular and attractive classmate's birthday. I decided to be sweet and write "Happy birthday" on her wall, only to notice it wasn't there a few minutes later. I rewrote it again and it disappeared. After three attempts, I took the hint. FML

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By soupduped - 6/12/2009 03:37 - United States

Today, I opened up a can of tomato soup I'd taken from my parents' house recently. After eating the whole can, I started feeling a little off, so I checked the expiration date. It expired 12 years ago. FML

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By FMyBrain - 6/6/2014 21:26 - United States - Fairbanks

Today, my brain decided to go into suicide mode. So far I've managed to open a fridge door into my face, walk balls-first into the corner of a table, and sliced my finger while trying to cut open some thick plastic packaging with scissors. I'll probably be dead by the time this is posted. FML

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By kalamar5 - 25/5/2014 20:54 - Norway - Sarpsborg

Today, my boss bitched me out for doing some random web browsing while waiting for some documents I needed to arrive, then went back to his desk and went on Facebook, thinking I couldn't see. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2013 22:03 - Iceland - Akranes

Today, my mom was acting really pissy, and I couldn't help but mutter that she must be on her period. Five hours later, I'm glued to the toilet with my phone, because she went all out for revenge and spiked my dinner with some hellishly potent kind of laxative. FML

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By aintgotnoteeth - 19/7/2016 17:53

Today, after 6 dentist visits, 2 root canals, and $1,500 that I'll likely have to sell vital organs to pay, the agonizing tooth pain I've had for months is unrelenting. Apparently, shrugging and offering to experimentally yank all my bottom teeth is my smurf-shit of a dentist's actual plan. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/1/2011 05:05 - United States

Today, upon waking up, I took a sip on what I thought was a cup of water on my nightstand. I quickly discovered it was my roommate's cup of used mouthwash which she was too lazy to throw out the night before. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/5/2015 19:54 - United States - Exton

Today, marks the fourth day in a row that I've worn the same outfit to prove to my parents that they pay me no attention. They still haven't noticed. FML

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By sarah - 18/4/2009 20:46 - United States

Today, I was at the Apple Store taking random pictures of myself. I took one with a really stupid face. This girl passes by and says, "Wow, that's a cool effect! You look just like an alien!" I wasn't using any effects. It was a regular picture. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/6/2011 19:21 - United States

Today, my dad told me he has money set aside for when he has to bail me out of jail because "it's bound to happen sooner or later." FML

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By phonegotlostinthepark - 3/12/2013 17:54 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I lost my phone. I called the number from my friend's phone, hoping I could find it. A guy answered, laughed "Thanks for the phone!" and hung up. FML

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By Andrew - 20/4/2011 16:31 - United States

Today, I tried to get my wife to have sex with me, she told me she couldn't because she had her period. She's two months pregnant. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/3/2009 16:46 - United States

Today, I had to log in to my computer on a projector in front of business associates at my dad's architecture firm. I typed in my username and apparently didn't hit the tab key hard enough, so I typed my password in the username box. The entire firm now knows my password is "tits123". FML

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By kelkline - 31/8/2009 16:45 - United States

Today, my friend got a babysitter for the kids and told me she was taking me to a party. My son told me his band was playing at a party. I will be 40 tomorrow, so I thought this would be the best surprise birthday party ever. It WAS a surprise birthday party – for a friend of ours. FML

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Top comments

By acow | 0

#94694 - Thursday 9 April 2009 2:16

Wow, your girlfriend sounds like a wonderful person. Maybe you should find someone who is capable of empathy.

By potentpotable | 0

#94708 - Thursday 9 April 2009 2:18

Should've called her a couple of hours later asking her to run to the store to buy you some condoms because you were about to partake in a threesome with two hot blonds.

Comments

By seitz96 | 0

#94679 - Thursday 9 April 2009 2:13

Ouch, Maybe something later?

Philosophic | 0

#933358 - Wednesday 10 March 2010 23:02

Sounds like a life-size "Snickerdoodles"... DUMPED plox?

Rawr100 | 0

#3066336 - Monday 8 August 2011 22:56

it kinda reminds me of a that 70s show episode

By toby02050 | 0

#94688 - Thursday 9 April 2009 2:15

been there, hopefully next years better

By pikachu_01 | 0

#94693 - Thursday 9 April 2009 2:16

Ouch... get a better girlfriend?

By acow | 0

#94694 - Thursday 9 April 2009 2:16

Wow, your girlfriend sounds like a wonderful person. Maybe you should find someone who is capable of empathy.

By gr8sexpectations | 0

#94695 - Thursday 9 April 2009 2:16

dump her ass

By treasa | 0

#94697 - Thursday 9 April 2009 2:16

I hope you dumped that bitch.

By flyfar54 | 0

#94701 - Thursday 9 April 2009 2:17

yeah, I really hope you dumped her!

By Jaxro | 6

#94703 - Thursday 9 April 2009 2:17

Haha, If you had went with me and got into the bar, you be kicked out for dumb things like pushing a midget.

By Linx_fml | 0

#94707 - Thursday 9 April 2009 2:18

ha, FYL indeed :P

By potentpotable | 0

#94708 - Thursday 9 April 2009 2:18

Should've called her a couple of hours later asking her to run to the store to buy you some condoms because you were about to partake in a threesome with two hot blonds.