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Too little, too late

By ragsy - 14/08/2009 16:54 - United States

Today, I finally went to Home Depot to buy a chainsaw to cut down the tree leaning dangerously over my garage. When I got home, I found the tree had fallen and taken out the roof while I was shopping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 324

You deserved it 8 304

The Hulk

By anonymous - 03/05/2020 05:00

Today, I found out that my $1000 anger management course had no effect on me when I smashed a picture frame. Why? I had run out of toothpaste. FML

I agree, your life sucks 687

You deserved it 1 780

By Ves - 03/02/2009 23:19 - United States

Today, a woman walked out of the Humane Society with a cat carrier. I said, "Oh did you adopt him?" She walked past and started crying. She had just brought her cat in to be euthanized. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 458

You deserved it 8 582

Ménage à trois

By Anonymous - 20/08/2021 02:01

Today, although many years ago I promised myself to never love a member of the armed forces due to the danger of losing him early, I did in fact fall in love with a soldier. Never mind though, as you can't lose what isn't yours in the first place, but rather your friend's husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks 284

You deserved it 1 218

Did I mention…?

By ksztte - 27/02/2010 13:17 - United States

Today, the soon-to-be father of my baby told me he thinks I'm an extremely selfish person, and that I don't love him. His reasoning? I haven't given him a back rub in two weeks, sleep too much, and have a hormonal problem. Once again: I AM PREGNANT! FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 135

You deserved it 5 882

Splat!

By Anonymous - 11/05/2020 14:00

Today, I have a case of diarrhea. How did I find out? I got startled by my dog jumping up to greet me, and I shat all over the kitchen floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 566

You deserved it 221

Ungrateful

By Anonymous - 15/11/2022 18:00

Today, I did the whole 'rose petals, takeaway Chinese, favourite wine, and movie' thing. As soon as my wife got home, she said, “Great, now I have to sweep up rose petals, I’m not in the mood for Chinese, I was saving that wine, and I watched that movie last week.” I officially give up even trying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 381

You deserved it 287

Nothing but red flags

By Jullii - 27/08/2021 08:01

Today, my ex of 5 years began dating the girl he told me was, “One of the guys”, “Don’t worry, she’s like a sister to me” and, “I would never see her that way.” We broke up a couple of days ago because my “paranoia” and “assumptions” about her were putting a “strain” on our relationship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 315

You deserved it 159

By notsosmart - 06/03/2011 11:28 - Australia

Today, my son broke a window at school playing football. Not only did he break one, he broke the other window next to it. His excuse? He tried making it look like a bird flew in one way and flew out the other. I have to pay $800 to fix it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 355

You deserved it 4 540

In these times

By Dee Dee - 22/05/2020 08:00

Today, my husband and I purchased a new-used truck, after being assured for weeks by the company owner we work for that the company will remain open. Later, we received an email saying that the office is closing permanently. Our jobs are "secure", but he needs help selling and moving the equipment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 444

You deserved it 159

Little shit

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I went to pick up my little brother from his friend's house. When I got there, he ran off screaming that he didn't know me. His friend's parents believed him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 346

You deserved it 3 317

By Jonny - 09/01/2012 04:07 - United States

Today, as a recovering alcoholic, I called my brother to share the news that I've been sober for a month. He invited me to a bar to celebrate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 448

You deserved it 3 381

Eau de toilette

By anon - 05/03/2011 10:15 - United States

Today, as I was about to go in the bathroom, a girl walked out, shaking water off her hands. Some of it landed on my face, and I just wiped it off. Then she said to her friend who was waiting for her, "The sink's broken. Can I use your hand sanitizer?" So what landed on my face? FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 532

You deserved it 3 128

By geeb - 23/02/2010 18:33 - United States

Today, I had to confess to my mother that I was too hungover to take her to her AA meeting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 601

You deserved it 36 526

Trust

By Anonymous - 29/08/2021 06:01

Today, my dad trusted me to go driving by myself in his car. I foolishly celebrated by doing a jump heel click, landed awkwardly, threw my hand out to stop myself falling, and scraped the whole bunch of keys down the driver's door. He trusted me for like 3 seconds and I blew it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 307

You deserved it 1 465

Defeated

By Aaron - 09/12/2012 23:34 - United States - Matthews

Today, I decided to talk to a girl at the gym I had seen there a lot. I walked up to her at the station she was at and asked her out to dinner sometime. I didn't realize she had been wearing headphones. She took them off and asked if I was waiting on the station. My courage left. I said yes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 731

You deserved it 4 934

By sick in Vegas - 07/01/2012 22:21 - United States

Today, I'm in Vegas to celebrate my 22nd birthday. I should be out having a blast, but a stomach virus thought otherwise. I'll be spending my birthday stuck in my hotel room eating microwaved soup. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 489

You deserved it 2 807

By hardlyworking - 04/03/2011 00:39 - United States

Today, I was on a conference call and digital meeting at work when I got bored and started surfing the Internet. Little did I know that my desktop was being shared. My boss was on the call and saw everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 692

You deserved it 37 821

What?

By Patrick - 23/02/2010 01:29 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was working at Publix ringing up some 70 year-old woman. She says "Man, you're a fast cashier, I like my men fast!" and then gives me a wink. I got really nervous and didn't know how to respond, so not thinking I quickly said, "Yeah, me too." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 062

You deserved it 7 451

By dentistftw - 08/08/2009 04:06 - United States

Today, it's my 22nd birthday. The only person who remembered was the dentist who sent me a postcard in the mail. I stopped going to him four years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 995

You deserved it 2 906

Treacherous smileys

By Steven - 29/08/2021 20:01 - Canada

Today, I added the wrong reaction to a Facebook post, using the laughing smiley instead of the hug, and only noticed two hours later, when my friend wouldn't talk to me because she thought I like found the fact that her dog died funny. FML

I agree, your life sucks 874

You deserved it 309

Felt cute, might delete myself later

By Anonymous - 06/08/2009 19:31 - United States

Today, I went through the car wash my boyfriend works at. When I pulled in, I explained I was Greg's girlfriend and cutely asked if I could get a free car wash. His co-worker looked at me confused and said, "Greg said he didn't have a girlfriend", then he looked at me and said, "Now I know why." FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 145

You deserved it 12 499

Bugging out

By Ernest - 30/11/2022 06:00

Today, my girlfriend won't stay over at my apartment anymore. Why? Because she saw a few roaches. Pest control comes every week and I spray every other day, so there's only so much I can about it. The worst part is now it's extremely difficult to spend time together because she lives with her mom and sister, who argue nonstop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 769

You deserved it 288

By Anonymous - 19/11/2013 16:50

Today, my boss declared total bankruptcy of the company and I lost my job. The good news is my coworkers and I all received McDonald's 10%-off coupons. They expired in 2003. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 464

You deserved it 2 910

By Scaryman - 21/02/2010 00:03 - United States

Today, I was sitting down in a store when a stroller stopped by me. While the parents were fixing the strap, the baby looked at me, gasped, looked at me again, gasped, and then screamed. Ten minutes later, another baby looked at me and screamed. My face scares babies. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 299

You deserved it 4 186

By dumbblonde - 06/08/2009 03:04 - United States

Today, I was sitting at the computer when this really annoying fly kept landing on the keyboard. After a while, I took the bottom of a pen and squished it. Twenty minutes later I absentmindedly started chewing at the bottom of the pen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 279

You deserved it 62 353

By Noname - 28/01/2009 11:03 - United States

Today, I gathered the courage to participate in a class discussion. My professor laughed at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 801

You deserved it 2 668

By SweetheartSusie - 04/12/2012 09:19 - United Kingdom

Today, I faced a dilemma. If I don't let the cat sleep in my bedroom, she spends all night howling at the door, waking up my 2-year-old in the process. If I do let her in, the dog gets distressed and chews the contents of the bin. If I let both of them in, I have no room to sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 345

You deserved it 6 139

SweetheartSusie tells us more.

SweetheartSusie 20

Wednesday 5 December 2012 10:10

Hey, OP here. For all of those who suggest drowning/bludgeoning/killing my cat, shame on you. I really hope you don't have a pet. For those of you who kindly suggested crating my dog, It's a good suggestion that I will keep in mind. My home is a two bedroom affair, I don't have a spare room to shut them in. My cat is a very nervous kitty, she was a kitten that came from a home with lots of young boys poking and prodding her and prefers the serenity and calmness I give to her. She becomes immensely stressed when I'm nowhere to be found. As for the dog, he is actually my boyfriend's dog and his is a case of boredom. Without the cat to play with during the night, he becomes mischievous and searches for trouble. No matter how well you plan, you'll never get everything and inevitably, there will be something he's shredded. Be it bin contents, washing or, once, the cat litter. Despite the numerous toys he has available. Our bed is a small double, and fitting a dog and a cat into the space barely meant to contain two adults is difficult. Adding a 2-year-old on top of that is a nightmare. For the moment, we're resigned to continue things the way they are. Your friendly OP - SweetheartSusie.

TMI Mom

By Why - 30/11/2022 17:00 - United States

Spicy

Today, I had the pleasure of listening to my mom tell me about how her and my dad's weight loss has helped them get more into it when they're being intimate. Suddenly I wish my parents were fat again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 899

You deserved it 295

You're gonna be a star

By JJ101 - 19/02/2010 11:52 - Australia

Today, I was teaching a special techniques class for ballet and was focusing on pirouettes. I was teaching a group of 8 year-olds, and one student could do perfect triple turns one after the other. I still can't do them, and I've been dancing for 15 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 237

You deserved it 6 122

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The Top

The Top

Today, I decided to start jogging again for the first time in months. I made it one block before tripping over the curb. I fell so hard, my phone flew out of my pocket and hit a parked car, setting off its alarm. I ran off when I saw house curtains all around me start to twitch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 285

You deserved it 124

Today, my son wants to go to Norway for our holiday and my husband wants to go to Disneyland, so of course they decide they can only choose by having a Nerf battle through the entire house. Meanwhile, I seem to be the only one taking anything seriously. This is why I despair of both of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 389

You deserved it 792

Today, I saw a gun on my dad's bedside table. I knew it wasn't real, so I picked it up and posed like a badass. Then I shot a hole in their bedroom TV, blew out my eardrums, and my mom flew in and started screaming at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 74

You deserved it 1 097

Today, while I was working at McDonald's, a man and his wife ordered a Sundae. I gave the guy his sundae and realized I'd forgotten something. I said, "One second sir. Let me grab your nuts." I realized what I said when his wife gave me the death glare. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 337

You deserved it 8 399

Today, I went to a restaurant and asked for vegetarian options. They told me, "We have a chicken Caesar salad, will that work?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 321

You deserved it 7 006

Today, I sneezed while I was in the middle of getting a root canal. I managed to warn the dentist that I was going to sneeze, but he didn't manage to get the tools out of my mouth in time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 610

You deserved it 2 098