Today, I was working at a retirement center, when an old woman...

By Imaman - 28/5/2011 04:09 - United States

Today, I was working at a retirement center, when an old woman came to me and asked if I would like her old clothes. I politely said, "I'm sorry, but I'm a guy." She then said, "You could have just said no, instead of rudely lying to me." FML

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Miscellaneous

Rock, hard place

Alexa, play "Cannonball" by The Breeders

The end of the road

By MakeItMaaco - 11/7/2011 17:56 - United States

Today, I saw a Red Tailed Hawk land on my car and spend a few minutes looking at his reflection in the windshield. This was all really neat until I found out he badly scratched my hood with his large talons. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/6/2019 02:12 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I got a targeted YouTube ad that was intended for someone who owns a graveyard plot. Glad to know my watching habits match those of an undertaker's. FML

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By - 18/1/2017 09:02

Today, I realized that I hadn't heard anything about my upcoming class reunion. Turns out it was an invite via Facebook that I didn't receive because most of my classmates are on my block list. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/6/2012 04:51 - United States - Hernando

Today, I was texting my girlfriend and asked her for a picture, expecting something provocative. She sent me a picture of her holding a positive pregnancy test. We had sex once. FML

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By drunk under 18 teenager - 19/8/2014 13:37 - Morocco - Marrakech

Today, I was hammered, and on my way home I walked into a policeman. My logic was: if I'm on the phone, he can't talk to me, so I pulled my phone out and started speaking. The officer then asked me why I was speaking to my wallet. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/7/2011 05:02 - United States

Today, my girlfriend, who is very self conscious about her body, finally decided to have sex with me. She told me to wait a few minutes, so I did. I stripped and turned around to find her in a one-piece swimsuit, with a hole cut out of the crotch. FML

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By sunboy52 - 5/5/2009 07:43 - United States

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time. We got on the discussion of animals, and I showed them a picture of my cat on my phone. Being a touchscreen, when her father grabbed it, it changed picture. To a picture of my girlfriend, fully nude. FML

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By anonymous - 5/5/2015 06:42 - United States - Lakeland

Today, I decided it was time to start looking for my own place and finally gain my full independence. My mom agreed happily without hesitation, which was surprising, but not anywhere near as surprising as finding out I have one day to get my shit together and leave. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/1/2017 16:41 - Netherlands - Veldhoven

Right in the miniature tree

Today, my parents got mad at me because I laughed when they called the bullseye "bonsai" while watching darts. They've always thought it was bonsai. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/3/2016 21:17 - United States - Fremont

Today, my son's teacher asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up. He put down "unemployed". FML

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By FMyCountry - 24/4/2017 14:00

Today, during a football match, the referee declared a goal as invalid. The dad of the kid who scored didn't agree, which led to an all-out fight among all the kids' parents. FML

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By Username - 9/8/2011 21:21 - United States

Today, I was asked how far I've gone with a guy. My answer? Eye contact. I'm 19. FML

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By all puked out - 13/7/2014 21:14 - Netherlands

Today, I saw a drunk woman drop her purse in the street. I picked it up and went to give it to her, only for her to scream at me for being a thief. Then she started crying, apologized and hugged me, then got angry again, and finally threw up on me. FML

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By caphis - 3/5/2009 06:17 - United States

Today, I got a cross-country job promotion. I decided to plan my Going-Away-Forever party, and bought a pack of 100 invitations. After mailing them out to all my friends, I have 92 left. FML

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By stillyoung - 2/11/2010 06:50 - Australia

Today, I discovered that the upside of losing weight is that men have started hitting on me. The downside? They're all twice my age. FML

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By woodchuck0022 - 21/5/2011 21:16 - Canada

Today, my pants felt a little looser than usual. Thinking I'd lost weight, I proudly went about my day. It wasn't until much later that I realised I hadn't lost any weight at all; my fly was down. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2013 19:49 - United Kingdom - Swindon

Today, I was at the supermarket when an elderly lady asked if I'd grab some coffee for her from a high shelf. The moment I took my hands off my almost-full shopping cart, she made off with it. I ended up getting thrown out by security after she claimed I was trying to steal it from her. FML

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By Anon - 25/11/2009 01:54 - New Zealand

Today, I was fired by one of my bosses for doing something the other boss told me to do. I work for a family company. Turns out my bosses are going through a divorce and will do anything to prove the other wrong. FML

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By WTF - 16/3/2011 22:05

Today, after my 22 year old son realized that there was no more contact solution, he decided to use tequila because he thought it would "kill the germs." We had to go to the hospital to have his eyes flushed out. I raised this moron. FML

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By TheBeastSwaq - 31/12/2011 17:09 - United States

Today, I met my ex's new boyfriend. I was at work, cashiering at the movie theater that they were apparently having their first date at. We broke up less than 24 hours ago. FML

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By trina - 22/3/2009 09:05 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. I started stroking the back of his neck with both of my hands. He told me, "Your hands are nice and smooth like my grandmother's." FML

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By RJB - 29/7/2011 02:48 - United States

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, I got so bored I made a "to do" list for the week. FML

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By richardmrcs - 8/7/2013 20:00 - United Kingdom - Bradford

Today, I got mauled by some wild animals and had to get my butt cheek stitched up. The embarrassment doesn't end there though; the animals in question were kittens. The nurses on duty laughed and the entire ward found out. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/1/2014 21:09 - United States

Today, after trying for several days to change some details on the social security website, I got fed up and called them. I waited nearly two hours on hold, and when I finally got through, the guy on the other end just told me to reboot my computer and try again, then hung up on me. FML

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By WaltTheFuckDad - 1/9/2013 23:06 - United States - Salida

Today, my dad tore my room apart for the second time, looking for drug-making equipment. His reasoning is that I must be dealing drugs, because I'm a chemistry major who likes to watch Breaking Bad. FML

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By Well this Is Awkward - 17/12/2013 20:02 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my boyfriend gave me his theory on how the world would be a better place if Hitler had won the 2nd World War. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/12/2011 13:57 - Norway

Today, my landlord came to my apartment because of complaints from my neighbors, saying that animals are not allowed inside. Turns out my roommate makes cat-noises when she's bored. My landlord still doesn't believe me. FML

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By damnit - 25/8/2009 06:44 - Australia

Today, I got my first tattoo. It's a large broadsword which runs the length of my spine. I went home to show it off and learned that the hilt on my neck looks just like a penis when the rest of it is covered with my shirt. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/9/2014 11:46 - United States - Gaffney

Today, my brother got the same cologne as the guy I've been seeing for a while. Every time I'm with my brother I think about him, and every time I'm with him I think about my brother. FML

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By Vercsi - 19/2/2015 15:47 - United Kingdom - Newcastle Upon Tyne

Today, my attention-seeking, insanely thick co-worker explained that due to her new diet she can't eat bread. She "can eat pizza" though. When we pointed out that they’re pretty much made of the same ingredients, she wouldn’t believe us. I sit right behind this idiot every day. FML

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By green2black - 19/5/2010 07:09 - United States

Today, I finally found the girl of my dreams, she's smart, loyal, energetic and adorable. There's one problem. She's a Golden Retreiver. FML

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By Julie - 25/3/2015 05:42 - Denmark - F?rup

Today, it's been three months since my sister broke her car, meaning she couldn't get to work, and I've giving her money every month so she could buy food and so on. I just found out that her workplace is less than 200 metres from where she lives. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2012 02:00 - Canada - Saskatoon

Today, I woke up to an angry text from my roommate asking me to please let her know next time I'm going to have a friend crashing on the couch. I have no idea who she's talking about. FML

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By JazzSpazz - 11/8/2009 06:40 - United States

Today, I had a horrible breakup with my girlfriend of two years. Depressed, I changed my Facebook status to, "Hate me today, hate me tomorrow, hate me for all the things I didn't do for you." My ex commented, "Give me an orgasm?" Five of my friends, including my mom, liked this. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/12/2010 08:10 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend and I had an argument. She admitted she didn't know why she was pissed at me, but still is, and now she won't talk to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/10/2012 17:03 - Estonia

Today, after weeks of coming home to find my furniture all tipped over, thinking the place was haunted, and accepting my boyfriend's offers to come over and "comfort" me, I came home from work early. I found my boyfriend in the kitchen, kicking over all the chairs. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/11/2009 07:37 - United States

Today, I woke up to find my boyfriend watching me sleep. I asked him if he was staring at me because he was in love. He replied that it was because my farting wouldn't let him sleep. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/1/2010 07:11 - United States

Today, I was forced to spend New Years Eve with my strict/conservative parents in the middle of nowhere in Illinois. If I had nothing else, I looked forward to watching the ball drop in NYC. As the seconds counted down the T.V. shut off. Parental controls shut down cable at midnight. FML

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By natalie_sarantos - 23/12/2015 03:44 - United States - Marshfield

Today, I took a coach bus to travel to New York. Along the way, the bus stopped at Burger King and I went out to buy some food. When I got back, I couldn't find the bus. It left without me. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/5/2016 14:03 - United States - Salem

Today, I had my first real break from work in ages, so I decided to go hiking. Less than 20 minutes in, I tumbled a couple hundred feet down a steep hill, broke my leg and several toes, and lay there in agony for an eternity before I was finally rescued. FML

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Top comments

By thebestof1984 | 0

#2578639 - Saturday 28 May 2011 12:10

that's when you whip out your dick and say see!!!

By ChiddyBANGr | 13

#2578611 - Saturday 28 May 2011 12:02

"Ask me about my Weinerrr"

COMMENTS

By cindayy77 | 0

#2578583 - Saturday 28 May 2011 11:53

FYL, I have to say xD

kl_beans | 0

#2578815 - Saturday 28 May 2011 13:20

I mean he could've just pulled down his trousers but then again it was a retiament

turtlemanz | 8

#2582297 - Sunday 29 May 2011 4:51

dude looks like a lady

dav3800 | 7

#2584480 - Sunday 29 May 2011 22:00

21 is right...

By bluegoldfish | 7

#2578587 - Saturday 28 May 2011 11:53

pwned. by an old lady. burn sssssssss....

Judahsh | 8

#4938704 - Sunday 16 September 2012 20:53

Unless heshe realy did lie...

By ChiddyBANGr | 13

#2578611 - Saturday 28 May 2011 12:02

"Ask me about my Weinerrr"

SoccerBitch113 | 0

#2579543 - Saturday 28 May 2011 17:29

hahaha

alexg823 | 0

#2610994 - Friday 3 June 2011 7:19

I'm curious as to why you capitalized "Weinerr."

By sourgirl101 | 28

#2578619 - Saturday 28 May 2011 12:06

"Dude looks like a Lady".(:

gwadafiesta_fml | 2

#2578664 - Saturday 28 May 2011 12:13

And dude sounds like a lady too if he couldn't convince her when telling her ! Double FML

sillybanana97 | 1

#3812295 - Saturday 31 December 2011 19:48

Lol double FYL! I feel sorry for you....

By btnhdude | 0

#2578624 - Saturday 28 May 2011 12:07

did you not finish your comment?
'cause I'm guessing you meant to say,
"the girl who cried wolf doesn't relate to this fml at all."

By Sinvudyo | 0

#2578629 - Saturday 28 May 2011 12:07

Hmm, maybe you should grow an beard =)

BabbiiLovvee | 0

#2581222 - Saturday 28 May 2011 22:10

a beard*

bluegoldfish | 7

#2581225 - Saturday 28 May 2011 22:10

maybe you should learn which indefinite article to use for words beginning with a consonant.

funnynesh | 10

#4204728 - Friday 23 March 2012 11:15

48- shut up! I really hate you grammar nazi bastards…

By thebestof1984 | 0

#2578639 - Saturday 28 May 2011 12:10

that's when you whip out your dick and say see!!!

Btgalownia | 0

#2579654 - Saturday 28 May 2011 17:55

what if he had a small penis? "today, to prove to an old lady, I showed her my penis. she laughed at the size and walked away. fml"

By Tsunami87 | 17

#2578647 - Saturday 28 May 2011 12:11

better start hitting the gym, girl :p

By btnhdude | 0

#2578666 - Saturday 28 May 2011 12:14

motherfuck Dre, motherfuck snoop, motherfuck deathrow! Yo' n here comes my left blow! - Eazy E

at1325 | 0

#2578973 - Saturday 28 May 2011 15:02

judging by all of the thumbs down your comment has received and simply reading the comment, you should follow your picture's advice and shut the fuck up