Miscellaneous: Today, I was working at a retirement center, when an old woman...

By Imaman - United States

Today, I was working at a retirement center, when an old woman came to me and asked if I would like her old clothes. I politely said, "I'm sorry, but I'm a guy." She then said, "You could have just said no, instead of rudely lying to me." FML

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Miscellaneous

Out of it

Not now!

Deadly cocktail

By disturbed2103 - United States

Today, I was looking at my friend's dad's Facebook pictures because he recently posted a status update. I saw him at a bar with some ugly hooker that he was feeling up in almost every picture. After about 10 minutes of ridiculing and laughing at this ugly woman, I realize it's my mom in a wig. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Monson

Today, I started my new job as the only IT tech for my office. My first task: untangling the hundred mice the previous tech tied together for "fun". FML

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By unwanted - Australia

Today, my parents fought over who gets the dog when they divorce. Nothing has been said about where my brother and I will live when they split. FML

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By Anonymous

Burden

Today, after a fight with my parents, I told them I was running away. They said, "Good. Now we have less to pay in child support." FML

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By crappygirlfriend - United States

Today, I was trying to show my boyfriend how to shake my iPod to shuffle songs. When I went to shake it, it flew out of my hand and hit him in the face. FML

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By cookieman

Today, in a coffee shop, I purchased two doughnuts and cup of coffee, a regular order which I've bought many times before. Today the cost was $1 less and when I inquired why, I was told, "I gave you the senior's discount." Their policy is a senior discount for anyone over 55. I turned 50 last week. FML

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By jess - 16/12/2020 06:02 - United States - Denver

BO Central

Today, I was loudly asked if I'd rubbed poop all over myself this morning. I shower three times a day, brush my teeth for 10 minutes twice a day, and wear copious amounts of antiperspirant. FML

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By embarrassed - United States

Today, my sister set it so all the Yahoo articles I read are published on my Facebook wall. This would have been fine had I not decided to read, "Does the gynecologist care if you shave?" FML

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By sam - United States - Sun Prairie

Today, I realized I sent over 2 dozen job applications with my dating profile word doc instead of my resume. FML

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By mhogan - 10/3/2020 21:00 - Canada

The Laws of Attraction

Today, I was skiing and crashed into a tree. It was the only tree on the slope. FML

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By cheddar - United States

Today, I woke up feeling great. I opened up the blinds and looked out from my window just in time to see a man ripping my mailbox from the ground and sprinting away with it. FML

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By wormsmeat - Canada - Kingston

Today, my dog vomited a writhing mass of maggots. It was the most disgusting thing I've ever smelled, and I was baffled as to where she found a maggot infested dead thing to eat. Baffled, until my mom reminded me that my cat has been missing, presumed dead, for over a week. FML

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By AnxietyGirl - United States - Parker

Today, I had to admit that I desperately need anti-anxiety medication. Apparently, when you walk around a grocery store avoiding eye contact and generally acting "sketchy", management will call the police on you, who will then pat you down to be sure you aren't shoplifting. FML

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By longdrive - United States

Today, my sister and I drove 800 miles with her five-year-old, her two-year-old, and her two dogs. The two-year-old got carsick five times, adding an extra three hours to the trip. The kickers? My sister is sympathy spewer and neither of them chews food very well. FML

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By K_M - Malaysia

Today, I wanted to punish a student for being late. I decided to start a pop quiz before he arrived. I was positive there wasn't enough time for him to finish. He scored full marks and I couldn't say a word. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I secretly turned off the internet to see what my kids would do. Barely 10 minutes later, I caught my oldest son masturbating to a photo of my sister in a bikini because, as he put it, "A man has needs and the internet's fucked." FML

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By random875 - United States - Owings Mills

Today, I got stuck in an elevator. I called the fire department and told them where I was. They said they'd be right there and not to panic. It's hour 6. FML

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By fucktelstra - Australia - Adelaide

Today, I missed a phone interview for a job at Telstra because Telstra's phone network was down. FML

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By murphyslaw948

Murphy's law

Today, I fall for a guy after 3 years of being celibate, after he shows all the signs of being into me. Turns out, he likes my best friend who is dating another guy I liked and was just using me to compensate for her unavailability. Guess I am really a walking, talking example of Murphy's law. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I ran into one of my teachers from high school. When I told her I just recently graduated college and was starting graduate school in the fall, she said "you don't have to lie, some people just are not cut out for college. There is no shame." I wasn't lying, I graduated with honors too. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/12/2020 17:01 - United States - Pittsburgh

Stinky

Today, I realized that my flatmate showers so little that the furniture she uses smells like BO. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, the closest I came to doing something that could be vaguely construed as "constructive" was wanking and crying. Sometimes simultaneously. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I've been freezing in my office for days at work. When I finally complained about it to a coworker, she led me into my office, said, "Let me show you something," then pointed out the thermostat I'd never noticed was even there and turned it up with a pitying look. FML

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By Lolzords - United Kingdom

Today, I was walking down the stairs holding a glass of water, when I tripped. I don't know what hurts more, that I'm still picking glass out of my hand or that my mum is still ranting about the water I'd spilt. FML

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By DumbassRoaster - United States - Fairview

Today, I was woken up by my dad and my dog barking at each other, and my dad yelling, "I am the Alpha male!" FML

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By jasmine - United States

Today, I realized I have the most amazing boyfriend in the world. Too bad he has never once made me orgasm in the two and a half years we've been together. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I after getting off the bus, I realized that the man I was talking to was distracting me so his "buddy" could steal my wallet. FML

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By dadsadipshit - United States

Today, my dad lost his mind over the meteorite incident in Russia. He's convinced that it's part of some big government conspiracy to cover up a UFO crash-landing, and now he won't stop dismissively calling us "sheep" and telling us "do the research" just because we don't agree with him. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was selling personalised stockings at work. When handing a customer's order over to her, which had no name on, I joked, "Oooh this is a bit mysterious". She replied, "Actually, it's in memory of the baby I miscarried earlier this year." FML

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By Brax - United States

Are you experienced?

Today, my girlfriend stuck her finger up my butt while giving me a hand-job, promising it would feel really good. It just felt awkward and made me need to poop. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Ridgefield

Today, I went out to get groceries and ice-cream. When I got home, I couldn't find my house keys. I retraced my steps, but with no luck, so I returned home and had to break in. While unpacking, I found my keys in the bag, right next to the completely melted ice cream. FML

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By Her - United States

Today, my boyfriend of two years took me out to breakfast. So we were eating and he kept on staring at me like he was thinking of something really important. I thought he was going to say "I Love You". So I told him to "say it already". Turns out he was thinking of a way to dump me. FML

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By duped - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend confessed that he hates horror films. Our relationship was born out of our 'love' for horror films. I have endured 3 years of watching films that absolutely terrify me only to find out he doesn't like them either. FML

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By Anonymous - Czech Republic

Today, I was sitting at my favorite coffee shop, when a creepy 50-ish looking guy sat at my table. He asked if I'm into submissive guys, and if I wanted to dominate him. I'm a 17-year-old girl, and am now scared to ever go back there. FML

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By embarassed - United States

Today, I went for a hike with my new boyfriend on a fairly deserted trail my ex-husband had shown me awhile back. In all my hikes there, I've never seen another person and figured it would be okay to get intimate. Guess who came hiking past? That's right, my ex-husband. And our 8yr old son. FML

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By ice cream dude - United States - Denver

Today, I finished my first two weeks as an ice cream truck driver. Now I can't get that annoying ice cream truck music out of my head. It's even in my dreams. FML

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By lgt5628 - United States - Miami

Today, a man approached my delivery van and asked for change for a $5 bill. I guess I should've expected him to grab the change and run off with the extra money. FML

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By LifeSucks

Today, I came home to an empty house. I found a note from my wife telling me she was bisexual and found love in a woman. I FaceTimed my sister to tell her about it, and who do I see with her? My wife. FML

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By Michael - Australia

Today, while taking pills for a headache, I threw my head back to help get the pills down, and in the process, whacked it against the brick windowsill behind me. FML

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By broken - United States

Today, I was fooling around with my boyfriend in his room. He grabbed me behind the head to pull me in for a hard, romantic kiss. He accidentally smashed my nose into his cheekbone, and my nose started gushing blood and continued to bleed for over 2 hours. It's broken, and he just laughed. FML

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Top comments

By thebestof1984 | 0

#2578639 - Saturday 28 May 2011 12:10

that's when you whip out your dick and say see!!!

By ChiddyBANGr | 13

#2578611 - Saturday 28 May 2011 12:02

"Ask me about my Weinerrr"

COMMENTS

By cindayy77 | 0

#2578583 - Saturday 28 May 2011 11:53

FYL, I have to say xD

kl_beans | 0

#2578815 - Saturday 28 May 2011 13:20

I mean he could've just pulled down his trousers but then again it was a retiament

turtlemanz | 8

#2582297 - Sunday 29 May 2011 4:51

dude looks like a lady

dav3800 | 7

#2584480 - Sunday 29 May 2011 22:00

21 is right...

By bluegoldfish | 7

#2578587 - Saturday 28 May 2011 11:53

pwned. by an old lady. burn sssssssss....

Judahsh | 8

#4938704 - Sunday 16 September 2012 20:53

Unless heshe realy did lie...

By ChiddyBANGr | 13

#2578611 - Saturday 28 May 2011 12:02

"Ask me about my Weinerrr"

SoccerBitch113 | 0

#2579543 - Saturday 28 May 2011 17:29

hahaha

alexg823 | 0

#2610994 - Friday 3 June 2011 7:19

I'm curious as to why you capitalized "Weinerr."

By sourgirl101 | 28

#2578619 - Saturday 28 May 2011 12:06

"Dude looks like a Lady".(:

gwadafiesta_fml | 2

#2578664 - Saturday 28 May 2011 12:13

And dude sounds like a lady too if he couldn't convince her when telling her ! Double FML

sillybanana97 | 1

#3812295 - Saturday 31 December 2011 19:48

Lol double FYL! I feel sorry for you....

By btnhdude | 0

#2578624 - Saturday 28 May 2011 12:07

did you not finish your comment?
'cause I'm guessing you meant to say,
"the girl who cried wolf doesn't relate to this fml at all."

By Sinvudyo | 0

#2578629 - Saturday 28 May 2011 12:07

Hmm, maybe you should grow an beard =)

BabbiiLovvee | 0

#2581222 - Saturday 28 May 2011 22:10

a beard*

bluegoldfish | 7

#2581225 - Saturday 28 May 2011 22:10

maybe you should learn which indefinite article to use for words beginning with a consonant.

funnynesh | 10

#4204728 - Friday 23 March 2012 11:15

48- shut up! I really hate you grammar nazi bastards…

By thebestof1984 | 0

#2578639 - Saturday 28 May 2011 12:10

that's when you whip out your dick and say see!!!

Btgalownia | 0

#2579654 - Saturday 28 May 2011 17:55

what if he had a small penis? "today, to prove to an old lady, I showed her my penis. she laughed at the size and walked away. fml"

By Tsunami87 | 17

#2578647 - Saturday 28 May 2011 12:11

better start hitting the gym, girl :p

By btnhdude | 0

#2578666 - Saturday 28 May 2011 12:14

motherfuck Dre, motherfuck snoop, motherfuck deathrow! Yo' n here comes my left blow! - Eazy E

at1325 | 0

#2578973 - Saturday 28 May 2011 15:02

judging by all of the thumbs down your comment has received and simply reading the comment, you should follow your picture's advice and shut the fuck up