Miscellaneous: Today, I had to explain to my brother why he can't go on dates...

By ProsserBabe11 - 15/04/2012 02:21 - United States

Today, I had to explain to my brother why he can't go on dates with my new boyfriend and me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 007

You deserved it 2 512

Miscellaneous

BO Central

You tried

Classic

By grimatwork - 01/11/2010 17:24 - United Kingdom

Today, after taking my jacket off at work, I found a large faint stain all across one side of my shirt. Turns out that my fiancé had used it to "clean up the bed." I am the manager of a supermarket with 40 employees. It was pretty obvious what it was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 324

You deserved it 5 396

By Milo - 02/06/2015 16:50 - Mexico - Mexico

Today, one of my tires blew out on the highway. I managed to slow down and pull over without dying, and went to get my spare tire. I found it right where it was supposed to be, knifed to hell and with a taunting note from my psycho ex taped to it. We broke up nearly 3 years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 110

You deserved it 3 281

By Anonymous - 02/09/2014 21:29 - United States - Atlanta

Today, I found out that my girlfriend takes videos of me sleeping and watches them with her friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 811

You deserved it 3 544

By Anonymous - 07/12/2010 16:09 - Guatemala

Today, I got mugged. After taking my cell phone, the guy politely said: "Thanks. Have a nice evening. Be careful on your way home." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 035

You deserved it 3 165

Don't feed the animals

By Sara - 22/09/2020 07:54 - Canada

Today, I had to clean up dirt from flipped-over flowerpot mess for the 100th time. Why? Because the neighbour won’t stop feeding the squirrels peanuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 925

You deserved it 160

Facebook science major

By Anonymous - 29/10/2021 20:00

Today, my mom yelled at me for still having a disability at the age of 30, because I should have "grown out of it by now." Then she blamed it on the fact that I got my COVID-19 vaccine. Autism isn't caused by vaccines and it's never going to go away, no matter how old I get. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 141

You deserved it 83

By Anonymous - 18/06/2013 22:48 - United States - South Salem

Today, my sister came to stay with me in my apartment for the last few weeks of her difficult pregnancy. However she didn't tell me she was bringing her two dogs, her jackass of a husband, my bratty nephew and an inflatable kiddie pool so she could have a natural water birth in my living room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 709

You deserved it 5 825

By owl + bungee cord - 07/01/2014 20:38 - United States - Herndon

Today, my boyfriend and I were in the shower and things were getting heated. I tried to move position, but slipped and fell, bringing the shower curtain I'd grabbed onto down with me along its support rod. My ass hit the floor just as hard as the rod hit my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 298

You deserved it 9 992

By failureparent - 21/03/2011 01:25 - United States

Today, in an attempt to get my son to stop playing Call of Duty, I threw his Xbox controller out the window. He was so desperate, he followed it. His bedroom is on the second floor. My son has 3 broken ribs, and no future. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 785

You deserved it 54 465

Spreading

By Anonymous - 16/07/2021 18:01

Today, I found out that my best friend and I are pregnant. This would be much more exciting if my boyfriend wasn’t the father of both. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 256

You deserved it 136

Classic

By Anonymous - 15/04/2021 11:00

Today, I had a dream I saw my dad. I tried to talk to him, but then I woke up. He died last Monday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 528

You deserved it 53

By LizzyJones - 20/08/2013 17:38 - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, my husband bought me a present for our three year anniversary. It was a pack of 20 cigarettes. I don't smoke. He does. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 119

You deserved it 8 971

Bad sex

By izzie - 09/05/2010 14:15 - Canada

Today, I had sex for the first time in months. His apology took longer than the sex did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 417

You deserved it 5 047

By Hairy Cheek - 15/04/2016 04:27 - United States - Columbia

Today, I was at work and caught my pants on the corner of the door hinge. They tore completely open and my hairy cheek was exposed for the whole office to see. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 344

You deserved it 2 142

By Jack - 03/04/2013 21:40

Today, my washing machine broke down, within its warranty. I asked my neighbour if she could open the door for the mechanic while I was at work; she agreed. When I came home, I had a bill for 80 bucks for not opening the door. Her reason? She was busy watching her favorite TV show. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 508

You deserved it 5 114

By Anonymous - 01/07/2015 19:09 - United States - Tampa

Today, my flight was at the other side of the airport. I ran to the gate, to find that the flight had moved to the other side of the airport. So I ran again to miss my plane by a minute. However I did get a new flight... at the other end of the airport. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 995

You deserved it 1 941

By Shawna - 02/01/2010 01:19 - United States

Today, I got all dressed up for a New Year's party. When my parents and siblings left the house to their parties, I got undressed. I wasn't going to a party. I only got dressed up so my family would think I had plans. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 320

You deserved it 6 980

By mavrick127 - 29/09/2016 14:21 - United States - Atlanta

Today, I finally had the chance to have sex with my crush. Too bad I couldn't get an erection. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 107

You deserved it 1 749

By crossfitter - 21/05/2015 12:22

Today, I decided to get in shape for swimsuit season, so I went to the gym. I tried to lift a barbell up and over my head, which was fine, until I dropped it. Exercise earned me a concussion and a neck brace. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 213

You deserved it 11 464

By confidence taken - 23/08/2014 06:26 - United States - Bay Springs

Today, my boyfriend called me in tears, convinced that he found me in a porn video online. It wasn't me. And when I finally got him to give me the web address, I too started crying at the realization of how fat he thinks I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 886

You deserved it 5 826

By Anonymous - 20/01/2011 10:55 - Australia

Today, I wrote a mental note: don't tell a couple of nuns that you used black magic to fix their computer. Then don't tell the story to your boss just as the nuns walk back in again. Then don't say "speak of the devil" to them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 435

You deserved it 37 963

By glens - 22/03/2012 06:17 - United States

Today, my company announced a new name. They also announced new coffee mugs with the name on them. They've not announced raises in over 3 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 431

You deserved it 2 312

By AgentOrion - 29/08/2014 04:16 - United States - Bessemer

Today, I dreamed I was wrestling an alligator. I quickly woke up to my girlfriend yelling and me holding her in a headlock. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 188

You deserved it 5 889

By SierraCheyenne - 30/04/2013 01:57 - United States - Hannibal

Today, my parents finally got married. At the after-party, my mother got drunk and informed me that even though she and my father were now married, it doesn't change the fact that I'm still a bastard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 642

You deserved it 3 669

By Something I said? - 05/11/2013 15:26 - United States - Bronx

Today, as my wife and I were getting intimate, I thought I would try a little "dirty talk". I whispered in her ear that I would "dick her down good". She couldn't stop laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 985

You deserved it 58 878

By TRalalla - 07/08/2010 17:10 - Canada

Today, I decided to call the number a cute guy had scribbled onto a napkin and given to me. I was greeted by, "Hello, this is Dr. Allen's office." Surprised, because I didn't remember his name being anything close to Allen, I asked who Dr. Allen was. She's a psychologist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 955

You deserved it 5 688

Relationship goals

By Anonymous - 30/08/2021 15:00 - United States - Garner

Today, after I finally recovering from being ill, my husband complained about the house being messy, that I needed to clean up after myself. I filled 2 large tote bags with his stuff laying around the house, and one small stack of medical bills for me. It took me hours to clean. But I'm the messy one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 994

You deserved it 84

We could be heroes…

By Fired - 08/04/2011 11:58

Today, I stepped outside my office building for a smoke break and I witnessed a mugging so I ran over to stop it. I succeeded in getting mugged instead of the original target. I then couldn't get into my building until a coworker left an hour later. My boss was mad and still doesn't believe me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 031

You deserved it 5 664

By Anonymous - 14/02/2015 01:27 - United States

Today, my grandma rushed into my work and told my manager I had to leave due to a family emergency. Panicked, I ran to get my stuff and ran to the car. When I asked what had happened, she replied, "I needed someone to go see 50 Shades of Grey with me." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 113

You deserved it 3 976

By Joe - 27/08/2012 13:33 - United States - Coalgate

Today, I started my new job at a fragrance store. While training, the manager had me smell all of the scents to become familiar with the products. Before my shift was over, I'd had three asthma attacks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 194

You deserved it 5 720

By shittyhall - 26/06/2017 04:00

Today, someone shat liquid poo in the hallway at work. Right. Outside. The bathroom. Another foot and they could have used a toilet instead of the carpeted floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 221

You deserved it 332

By Anonymous - 18/10/2014 23:05 - United States - Evanston

Today, I laughed at my grandma's chihuahua poodle mix, as it barked at me entering the house. "What are you going to do, nibble me to death?" is apparently enough to make it jump and bite me. I needed five stitches. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 426

You deserved it 13 200

By nicoreal89 - 25/11/2011 08:20 - United States

Today, at the Black Friday Sale, a fully grown man hit my 5 year old daughter for an Xbox. In anger, I punched the guy and gave him a bloody nose. I'm now banned from Best Buy, and my daughter has a concussion. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 058

You deserved it 6 666

By lexiiiiiiweee - 19/02/2010 22:00 - United States

Today, I went bowling with my friends. As I was about to take my turn, my friend came up behind me and yelled in my ear, "Don't mess up!" Startled, I dropped the ball on my foot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 591

You deserved it 3 810

By Anonymous - 18/04/2009 03:14 - United States

Today, at the rehearsal for my wedding, my mother told my bride's mother to fuck off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 81 312

You deserved it 4 181

By Timmay - 05/06/2009 23:43 - United States

Today, I was on the deck of a sailboat and I started feeling seasick. I bent over the edge to throw up. After I stood back up, the wind changed direction and the boon swung around, knocking me into the open ocean. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 754

You deserved it 4 665

By blondieforlife - 04/11/2014 03:38 - United States - Racine

Today, I left my desk to go to the bathroom. I arrived back at my desk to a large package of SlimQuick packets. Guess my coworkers think I need to lose weight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 445

You deserved it 3 570

By Anonymous - 01/01/2016 10:08 - United States - San Antonio

Today, during a party, my drunk mother stumbled over to take a picture of me and my brother. She told me to put a party blower in my mouth for the picture, but I politely declined. She threatened to spank me in front of everyone if I didn't do it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 507

You deserved it 2 260

By Mr. King - 16/03/2016 08:28 - United Kingdom - London

Today, whilst walking past a large pond-sized puddle, a double decker bus and a van slowed and drove around the puddle so as not to splash me. Thinking luck was on my side, I began walking more confidently, only for a tiny smart car to come hurtling past, causing a huge wave of water to hit me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 862

You deserved it 1 797

By depresso - 13/03/2009 05:30 - Canada

Today, I found an obituary clipping on my kitchen table. It was for my grandpa. No one told me he died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 115 964

You deserved it 5 074

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bbedlock_fml 7

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Sunday 15 April 2012 8:31

He sounds lonely. You should set him up on his own dates, and then maybe he won't feel inclined to intrude on yours.

kiran_fml 5

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Sunday 15 April 2012 8:29

How awkward

kiran_fml 5

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Sunday 15 April 2012 8:29

How awkward

TorturedXeno 27

Sunday 15 April 2012 8:41

I wonder, what'd OP tell him?

trollfaced 2

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Sunday 15 April 2012 8:50

No, it's not awkward at all... Wait, maybe not

LupeTabasco 5

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Sunday 15 April 2012 9:07

OPs parents are probably paying him to keep watch/break em up? o.O

Birdie_Sage 0

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Sunday 15 April 2012 9:25

He must be a kid, not so awkward.

tellithowitis 13

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Sunday 15 April 2012 17:46

I thought it said at first I had to explain to my boyfriend why he can't go on dates with my new boyfriend and me...

ALpein 0

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Monday 16 April 2012 0:51

I accidently stopped reading at 'I had to explain to my brother why he can't go on dates with my boyfriend.'

kiran_fml 5

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Sunday 15 April 2012 8:29

How awkward

kiran_fml 5

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Sunday 15 April 2012 8:33

How awkward that I commented twice...oops.

isitinmybedroom 11

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Sunday 15 April 2012 8:29

Still counts!!!

MissEmma_fml 22

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Sunday 15 April 2012 13:08

No.

LightningCactus 12

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Sunday 15 April 2012 13:39

Quick question, what still counts?

rachellooo 0

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Sunday 15 April 2012 16:36

I'm sorry but I had to say your picture really creeps me out..

JJambiya21 0

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Sunday 15 April 2012 16:52

Is this suppose to be from I just had sex by akon and the lonely island ?????

bbedlock_fml 7

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Sunday 15 April 2012 8:31

He sounds lonely. You should set him up on his own dates, and then maybe he won't feel inclined to intrude on yours.

felisaa 5

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Sunday 15 April 2012 8:38

Yea(: poor guy's probably just really lonely.

nabee26 15

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Monday 9 July 2012 15:49

Yea that could be it but also the brother could be a little brother, maybe 6 or 7yrs old, so fixing him up wouldn't be possible lol

WCARlover 34

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Sunday 15 April 2012 8:34

I'm wondering the age of your brother now..

yahoowizard 16

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Sunday 15 April 2012 10:42

Extremely relevant here

Michael_92 20

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Sunday 15 April 2012 14:24

27 and young lol

HattedMad 7

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Sunday 15 April 2012 8:35

Aww, that's... just a wee bit creepy. But it's cute that he wants to spend time with you, given that he's, you know, younger than 10 or 11

ajourdhui 0

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Sunday 15 April 2012 8:37

jealous of the bromance, aye? But, seriously I sympathize with your brother on this one for some reason -/('-')/-

littlemsweirdo 12

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Sunday 15 April 2012 8:38

That is so not awkward...

TheElderTROLLZ 15

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Sunday 15 April 2012 8:46

Threesome?! Wait, one of the men would be gay...

BrysGirl27 14

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Sunday 15 April 2012 8:47

Just looking out for his little/ big sister:) but still...awkward haha

Nearly

Today, I feel like I'm going crazy as I'm in a 2-year relationship with a guy who's 17 years older than me (I'm 23). He's a wonderful partner and I'm totally in love, but the age gap causes monthly, sometimes daily, shifts between wanting to have it all with him, and wanting to leave him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7

You deserved it 48

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51

You deserved it 26

Spicy

Today, I found out on Facebook that my mom and step-dad have an open marriage. To make matters worse, my step-dad shamed me for not being more sex positive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 531

You deserved it 146

Today, I found out why my husband faked being sick on Thanksgiving. He was invited to Thanksgiving dinner by to the coworker he’s seeing. She was planning to introduce him to her family. He never told her he was married, so knowing I would tag along if he came, he faked having a “fever” so he couldn’t go out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 839

You deserved it 47

Don't feed the animals

Facebook science major

Spreading

Classic

Bad sex

Relationship goals

We could be heroes…

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