Today, I had to explain to my brother why he can't go on dates...

By ProsserBabe11 - 15/4/2012 02:21 - United States

Today, I had to explain to my brother why he can't go on dates with my new boyfriend and me. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/3/2012 20:08 - Canada

Today, a telemarketer called me and asked if they could speak to my "mommy or daddy". I am 25 years old. FML

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By gj09 - 22/11/2009 20:03 - United States

Today, my family sat me down and told me I was spending way too much time with my boyfriend and not enough time with them. My boyfriend has been away in Iraq for six months and just came home a week ago. FML

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By chunkymonkey - 23/11/2011 23:54

Today, my boyfriend used a laser pointer to show me where I needed to lose weight. FML

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By Andrew - 28/8/2011 22:37 - Ireland

Today, I started my shift as a cop, patrolling the streets on a bicycle. Everywhere I went, gangs of youths yelled stuff out at me, like "Bike twat", "Pig on wheels", "That's a girl's bike you muppet" and "Go on wanker, do a wheelie." FML

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By mista_sandy - 11/4/2012 16:54 - Canada - Toronto

Today, a guy asked me out and said he was going to take me to a fancy restaurant where they make the food in front of you. I love Japanese food, so I was really excited. We went to Subway. FML

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By jend - 23/5/2009 20:20 - United States

Today, I went into work happy about my supervising promotion. When I arrived at work, I realized that only one person had decided to come into work today, which meant I had to clean 15 rooms, and supervise myself. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/3/2020 01:13

Pencil in the ass time

Today, I was in art class in which we were drawing mythical creatures. I spent the entire hour and a half drawing a Minotaur, which turned out extremely well. It turned out so well that the teacher thought I had traced it, and told me to start over right before the bell rang. FML

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By FUSMC - 12/8/2009 06:01 - United States

Today, I came home on leave from a 7 month deployment to Iraq. I wanted to see my girlfriend today, but she needed to spend time with her sick grandmother. As it turns out, her sick grandmother and my cousin are the same person. FML

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By - 22/12/2019 18:00

Travel gift

Today, I decided to buy my Chinese Studies professor a gift from Taiwan. So I bought her a mini-Taiwanese passport that said "Republic of China" on it. As it turns out, it was actually a two-pack of travel condoms. FML

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By rawrrrr - 17/3/2010 04:01 - United States

Today, after a fire alarm went off, everyone was going back into the building. I had never gone up the stairs before because I live on the 9th floor. As everybody was going back inside, I followed some guys right into their suite on the 1st floor, thinking it was the way to the stairs. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/2/2013 07:55 - Australia - Wahroonga

Today, I met my mother's deeply religious fiancé for the first time. His response upon seeing me was to look me square in the eye and say, "You'll need to take out that nose stud or I'm afraid you'll not be welcome in our home." FML

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By Gemma - 6/1/2012 23:16 - United Kingdom

Today, my mother thought it would be a good idea to tell me that I was conceived on an airplane toilet. FML

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By L.Lime05 - 8/8/2010 23:27 - United States

Today, I found a pile of animal skeletons scattered in my backyard. It appears that last night, mother nature decided to rain so hard, that the graves of my childhood pets floated back up to the top, and covered half of my field. I now have to pick all of it up before my dog sees them. FML

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By Headless - 29/5/2015 13:04 - Denmark - Lyngby

Today, for our anniversary, I had made a small treasure hunt for my boyfriend, tying roses with notes of poetry to lampposts across campus to lead him to where we would have a romantic dinner. He couldn't find it because people had stolen the roses, or simply ripped them to pieces and thrown them away. FML

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By Noname - 16/1/2009 23:19 - Canada

Today, I decided to clean my room, find a job and ask a girl on a date. I ended up playing video games online. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/1/2016 22:30 - United States

Today, I woke up from an amazing dream I was having about my girlfriend. We were laughing and holding hands, the kind of dream I wanted to stay asleep for. When I finally got up, I was excited to tell her about the dream but then I remembered. We broke up a week ago. FML

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By brokenrelicslost - 8/1/2010 20:06 - United States

Today, I realized that I have completely fallen for this incredible guy, and that I am really looking forward to where our relationship will take us. He just informed me that he will be doing jail time following his court date Tuesday. FML

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By mutantprincess - 12/1/2016 10:48 - Australia

Today, after waking up to find a large spider outside my bedroom door and screaming, waking up my mum to kill it, she then sprayed it and went to pick it up. She then informed me it was made of plastic. My cat had got into the Halloween decorations from the spare room and decided to play. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2014 14:58 - United States - Chicopee

Today, I finally got around to cleaning out my mother's things after her passing. In the process I found a fancy box. What did it contain? A collection of crack pipes. FML

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By Sean - 7/9/2013 08:22 - United States - Pleasanton

Today, I found out my kids only remember my birthday because it's the password on the iPad. FML

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By Tib - 18/12/2009 06:42 - United States

Today, I had to take a urine test. I drank a lot of water so that I wouldn't force it. When I got there, I had to pee really bad. The cup was too small and when I relieved my bladder, it was a jet that rebounded off of the cup and overflowed going all over my hands, clothes, toilet, and floor. FML

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By Just..why - 25/3/2019 14:00

Today, I ran a mile for my gym class. While I managed to cut two minutes off my time, a few minutes later I felt dizzy and nauseous, which I thought was because I pushed myself too hard. I collapsed and vomited in front of everyone. Not a single person moved to help me. Not even the teacher. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2014 05:51 - United States - Hicksville

Today, my girlfriend sent me a bunch of sexy pics and said to come over to her place. I thought she was in the mood for sex. Nope, she just wanted me to come over and hang a shelf, after which she sent me back home. FML

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By iLuvsIt - 6/11/2012 09:32 - Australia - Belmont

Today, my friend joked to my co-workers that my kitty-cat of a husband was going to beat me for spending $200 on shoes. Later on, my rather large dog was so excited to see me when I walked in the door, he split my lip. Somehow, I don't think they'll believe me when I get to the office tomorrow. FML

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By spark - 27/8/2014 17:19 - United States - San Francisco

Today, after my windshield wipers being stolen twice in a row, I decided to hide in my car to catch the thief. I fell asleep. When I woke up, the new wipers were gone. FML

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By dani0810 - 22/1/2013 11:39 - Canada - Sudbury

Today, I caught my 4 year old son yet again trying to drink out of the toilet. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2009 01:32 - United States

Today, I was driving through a neighborhood and saw a "slow down, children" sign. I was nice and slowed down as I passed a couple little kids with their parents outside watching them. I guess I was going too slow because one of the fathers started chasing me down the street calling me a pedophile. FML

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By Alicia - 21/1/2010 05:02 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were trying to have sex for the first time. Not only did he struggle for five minutes to put on a condom (repeatedly snapping himself in the balls), but he then had to ask me "which hole" to put it in. I'm dating a thirty-four year old virgin. FML

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By 1000dollarspoor - 7/10/2009 09:25 - United States

Today, while working on my laptop, I accidentally spilled a glass of water. I quickly moved my laptop out of the way of the oncoming stream. It fell on the floor and broke. FML

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By owwthatfarts - 27/1/2017 11:53 - United States - Worcester

Today, one of my preschool students hit me in the nuts in front of my whole class. If that wasn't bad enough, the blow to my crotch instantly triggered a very audible fart. FML

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By ccrex - 5/8/2019 20:00

Today, I put my phone on top the car while putting my daughter in her car seat. Told myself not to forget it. Then I drove away, and it flew off the top of the car on the freeway. It got ran over. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/8/2010 10:34 - Oman

Today, I injured my knee and dislocated my shoulder fighting over a cookie with my brother. He's 14. I'm 26. He still got the cookie. FML

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By bh2000 - 29/5/2020 17:00

Pay up

Today, I'd purchased a ticket for the train on my mobile app. Some idiot pushed past me on his way out and in the process makes me drop my phone, ruining it. A conductor then came to check my ticket and I got fined 150 dollars. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/11/2018 05:00

Today, my ex-wife, who I have a 1000-yard restraining order against since she threatened my new wife and our kids, moved into a house down the street. The police say they can't do anything because her house is more than 1000 yards from mine. It's 1012 yards away. FML

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By staticman101 - 4/10/2012 03:14 - United States - Allendale

Today, I used the phrase "bitch please" in real life. It was funny until the "bitch" bitch-slapped me in the face. FML

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By RyanM - 13/2/2011 09:01 - Canada

Today, I realized how out of shape I am, when I couldn't finish masturbating because I ran out of breath. FML

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By Reggie - 12/5/2017 12:00

Today, it was the first sunny spring day that I had off from work. I spent the morning making a picnic lunch and took my girlfriend to a beautiful spot overlooking the lake. I did not count on a bird flying by with perfect poop aim as soon as we spread out the food. FML

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By Laloose - 26/12/2008 07:53 - France

Today, I send a text message to my ex-boyfriend, who dumped me four months ago, telling him to come back. His answer: "feeling-wise I won't come back to you, but sexually, why not". FML

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By do your own ironing - 15/4/2013 04:32

Today, after weeks of insomnia, I fell asleep. This would have been great if my brother didn't wake me up at 3am, screaming because his guild finally took down a raid boss. I'm now grounded for thumping him, and have to do all his chores while sleep deprived. FML

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By alikat - 26/4/2009 15:13 - United States

Today, I found out that the noise I thought was a mouse in my room was a water bottle shaking when my refrigerator turned on. I stayed up till 4am looking for a mouse that didn't exist. FML

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Top comments

By bbedlock_fml | 7

#4307096 - Sunday 15 April 2012 8:31

He sounds lonely. You should set him up on his own dates, and then maybe he won't feel inclined to intrude on yours.

By kiran_fml | 5

#4307086 - Sunday 15 April 2012 8:29

How awkward

Comments

By kiran_fml | 5

#4307086 - Sunday 15 April 2012 8:29

How awkward

TorturedXeno | 27

#4307180 - Sunday 15 April 2012 8:41

I wonder, what'd OP tell him?

trollfaced | 2

#4307226 - Sunday 15 April 2012 8:50

No, it's not awkward at all... Wait, maybe not

LupeTabasco | 5

#4307332 - Sunday 15 April 2012 9:07

OPs parents are probably paying him to keep watch/break em up? o.O

Birdie_Sage | 0

#4307405 - Sunday 15 April 2012 9:25

He must be a kid, not so awkward.

tellithowitis | 13

#4309137 - Sunday 15 April 2012 17:46

I thought it said at first I had to explain to my boyfriend why he can't go on dates with my new boyfriend and me...

ALpein | 0

#4310461 - Monday 16 April 2012 0:51

I accidently stopped reading at 'I had to explain to my brother why he can't go on dates with my boyfriend.'

By kiran_fml | 5

#4307088 - Sunday 15 April 2012 8:29

How awkward

kiran_fml | 5

#4307124 - Sunday 15 April 2012 8:33

How awkward that I commented twice...oops.

By isitinmybedroom | 11

#4307090 - Sunday 15 April 2012 8:29

Still counts!!!

MissEmma_fml | 22

#4307640 - Sunday 15 April 2012 13:08

No.

LightningCactus | 12

#4307671 - Sunday 15 April 2012 13:39

Quick question, what still counts?

rachellooo | 0

#4308642 - Sunday 15 April 2012 16:36

I'm sorry but I had to say your picture really creeps me out..

JJambiya21 | 0

#4308792 - Sunday 15 April 2012 16:52

Is this suppose to be from I just had sex by akon and the lonely island ?????

By bbedlock_fml | 7

#4307096 - Sunday 15 April 2012 8:31

He sounds lonely. You should set him up on his own dates, and then maybe he won't feel inclined to intrude on yours.

felisaa | 5

#4307159 - Sunday 15 April 2012 8:38

Yea(: poor guy's probably just really lonely.

nabee26 | 15

#4668267 - Monday 9 July 2012 15:49

Yea that could be it but also the brother could be a little brother, maybe 6 or 7yrs old, so fixing him up wouldn't be possible lol

By WCARlover | 34

#4307129 - Sunday 15 April 2012 8:34

I'm wondering the age of your brother now..

yahoowizard | 16

#4307491 - Sunday 15 April 2012 10:42

Extremely relevant here

Michael_92 | 20

#4307715 - Sunday 15 April 2012 14:24

27 and young lol

By HattedMad | 7

#4307135 - Sunday 15 April 2012 8:35

Aww, that's... just a wee bit creepy. But it's cute that he wants to spend time with you, given that he's, you know, younger than 10 or 11

By ajourdhui | 0

#4307149 - Sunday 15 April 2012 8:37

jealous of the bromance, aye? But, seriously I sympathize with your brother on this one for some reason -/('-')/-

By littlemsweirdo | 12

#4307157 - Sunday 15 April 2012 8:38

That is so not awkward...

By TheElderTROLLZ | 15

#4307204 - Sunday 15 April 2012 8:46

Threesome?! Wait, one of the men would be gay...

By BrysGirl27 | 14

#4307208 - Sunday 15 April 2012 8:47

Just looking out for his little/ big sister:) but still...awkward haha