Today, I had to explain to my brother why he can't go on dates...

By ProsserBabe11 - United States

Today, I had to explain to my brother why he can't go on dates with my new boyfriend and me. FML

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Miscellaneous

Deadly cocktail

Grow up

Not gonna happen

By Devil's Pigeon

Today, on vacation, I had my first encounter with a macaw parrot, who promptly bit my ear and shat on me while amused tourists laughed and took pictures. FML

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By DarkSerebii - United States

Today, a customer at work said his table was dirty. I asked which one he was sitting at so I could clean it for him. For some bizarre reason he got pissed and called my manager over. He ended up reporting us to corporate, and my manager got written up. He's blaming me for everything. FML

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By Stevski - Australia - Port Macquarie

Today, after moving in with a couple of vegan zoologists a few weeks ago, I discover that they don't believe that we have the right to kill cockroaches, and will not allow me to do so. The house is infested, and it's spread to my bedroom. FML

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By Anon - United States - Omaha

Today, I proudly told my family I lost 15 pounds. My dad looked me up and down and said, "Well, you've got a looooong way to go." FML

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By Katie - United States

The Bathtub Incident

Today, my little sister took a dump in our bath tub right before we were leaving for soccer practice. When my mom found it, she blamed it on me, then made me pick it up with my bare hands. FML

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By ihncredible - United States - Macomb

Today, I stepped on the scale and realized that I weigh more than the amount of money that I have in my bank account. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Glasgow

I don't know why

Today I went camping in the mountains with my girlfriend and her very outdoor loving mountain. I sprained my ankle falling out of the car and got bug bit on my penis while peeing. Her dad actually asked why she was dating me and she admitted that she had no idea. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I had to explain to my dad why it is important for him to clear the browsing history after watching sexual explicit material on the family computer. FML

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By Ringless - United States

Today, my fiancée and I were selecting our wedding cake. The wedding is now off since I refused to buy her the "dream" wedding cake she wanted because it was chocolate. She called me childish and cheap. I'm highly allergic to chocolate. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my friend's dad had a heart attack. Without realizing what I was saying, I texted her, "If you need anything, you know I'll be there in a heartbeat." FML

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By anonymous - United States - Fairbanks

Today, while babysitting my neighbors' kids, their oldest son used a paint pen on the carpet. The boy blamed me and I got fired. He's only 3 and can barely talk. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brighton

Today, I walked in on my brother masturbating. In the living room. For the second time. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I nervously introduced my mother to my new boyfriend. I had to sit and watch her flirt with him for an hour. When I took her in the other room and confronted her about it, she said, "Don't you dare ruin this for me!" FML

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By Anonymous - Austria - Vienna

Today, a drunk woman kicked me in the balls for not buying her another drink. That's the closest thing to intimacy I've ever experienced. FML

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By gutav indogop - Switzerland

Today, one of my students corrected the problem I had solved on the board, explaining that you do multiplication before subtraction. I teach the second grade. FML

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By Fatty - United States

Today, my six year old daughter cut out the stomach area of four of my favorite shirts. When I asked her why she had done so she replied, "So that they fit your tummy better, Mommy." FML

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By greeter - Canada - Willow Grove

Today, my class had a very important meeting about workplace safety. I thought I led some of my classmates to the meeting very well, until they informed me that I accidentally ran a red light on the way there. They brought this infraction up during the class every chance they got. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Dartmouth

Today, my boyfriend informed me of how I had really hurt his feelings. Apparently, not wanting to be sent a photo of his poop is hurtful. FML

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By Zaak

Ouch.

Today, my neighbor, whom I've had a massive crush on but barely know, actually started flirting with me. Long story short, it ended with him getting a blowjob. I said, "We should make this a thing." He replied, "Yeah, a one-time thing." FML

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By RDMdragoon - United States

Today, while deleting my ex-fiancée's account off my computer, I saved her pics. I found one of her with her now boyfriend in our bedroom. FML

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By Djcc - United States

Today, while my boyfriend and I were watching TV, I asked him if he loved me. He turned up the volume. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Addlestone

Today, I received a panicked email from one of my university students on my course on Russian history, stating that he'd "always thought Stalin was fake, like the moon landing". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I was at a wedding reception with loud music. A guy told me that his sister couldn't be there because she "went home to be with her boy." I said, "That's too bad, she's missing a great party." He paused and repeated, "She went home to be with her LORD." FML

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By Shopgirl - Australia

Today, I found a wallet on the train. I called the owner, who said he would come around and pick it up. When he finally did, he looked inside and screamed that his money was missing, and that I was a dirty thief. I never took a cent. He's filing theft charges against me. FML

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By pardon my English :$ - France

Today, I let a friend read a draft of the novel I'm writing. She claimed the antagonist is blatantly based on her, and threatened to sue me if I don't pay her royalties. The antagonist is an ancient, insane goblin witch. I guess I see now how this confusion could arise. FML

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By ceilingssuck - New Zealand

Today, I noticed that my ceiling was sagging slightly. I got up on to a chair to look at it more closely, and I touched it. Turns out that my ceiling was full of water. It went everywhere, ruining my new iPod, phone, and all the things my daughter bought for university. FML

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By Stress - 6/2/2020 14:00 - Hong Kong - Central District

Very important note

Today, the teacher said the class today was very important and that we should take note. Instead of writing notes, I bought a recorder and brought it to class. After class, I listened to the recording and all I could hear was muffled voices. FML

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By hunnydoll - United States

Today, while talking to my boyfriend, I was frantically searching for my cell phone. He was curious as to what I was doing so I told him. There was long silence followed by laughter. He could hardly breathe as he told me, "Honey you're on your phone talking to me." FML

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By Jessica - United States

Today, I got a job babysitting two really sweet kids. When their parents left, they told me that their cat had died. I told them how sorry I was, to which one of them replied, "That's okay. We still have him in a box. Wanna see?" FML

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By missedfistbump - United States

Today, I was talking to my boss and he said I was awesome. He went to fist bump me and I missed. FML

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By Kathleen Verhaegen - 5/3/2020 21:00

Pale AF

Today, I went to get a double conch piercing. Afterwards, the lady asked me whether I was feeling well, because I was looking so pale. I had to explain that it's my normal skin tone. I'm just pale as fuck. FML

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By LaurenLehmmman - United States

Today, I was singing while lying upside down chewing gum. My dad was trying to focus on the current football game and hushed me. I yelled, "No!" resulting in my gum becoming lodged in my windpipe. I shut up after all. FML

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By greatdriver...4 - United States

Today, I tried to back out of a spot in a parking garage. I did a 12 point turn, hit the car behind me and still didn't manage to get out of the spot. Everyone was staring at me, and the attendant had to come over and move my car for me. I have to park there every day. FML

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By qwertyasdfghzxcv - Canada

Today, I took my dog to the vet and she was diagnosed with obesity. The vet then told me that dogs usually imitate their owners eating and behavior habits. FML

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By Beefballs - Canada

Today, I just found out my dad got remarried a year ago. The woman is officially living with us, I got to have lunch with her alone today. I found out she is only 22, with a 14 year old little brother. My dad's 47. I'm 17, now with a 14 year old uncle and a mom that can pass for my girlfriend. FML

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58226

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By Mintilou - United Kingdom - Wednesbury

Today, like everyday, I got on the train heading back from my university campus in Preston. Usually, it takes 20 minutes. When I sat down, I realised it was a non-stop service to Glasgow and the doors had closed. It took me 7 hours by train and a lift from my best friend at 2 a.m. to get home. FML

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By Jasmine - 14/7/2020 17:01

Payday

Today, I got fired during my maternity leave for requesting my unpaid wages. FML

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By noooooooo - United States - Laurinburg

Today, I was dancing with an incredibly sexy man at a club. He was grinding on me when he leaned over and said, "If I was straight, I would make you my queen." FML

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By hamandegger - United States - Raynham

Today, my friend asked me to fix his laptop for him because it is loaded with viruses. When I turned it on and started searching for the problem, I couldn't find it. Luckily I was able to find a video of him banging my girlfriend. We've been together for eight years. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was taking calls at the helpdesk I work at. The caller was a man, and while helping him with his issue he suddenly stopped to tell me I had a nice soothing voice. Then he told me to say something else. As I continued to help him, he started making moaning noises. I'm a guy. FML

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Top comments

By bbedlock_fml | 7

#4307096 - Sunday 15 April 2012 8:31

He sounds lonely. You should set him up on his own dates, and then maybe he won't feel inclined to intrude on yours.

By kiran_fml | 5

#4307086 - Sunday 15 April 2012 8:29

How awkward

COMMENTS

By kiran_fml | 5

#4307086 - Sunday 15 April 2012 8:29

How awkward

TorturedXeno | 27

#4307180 - Sunday 15 April 2012 8:41

I wonder, what'd OP tell him?

trollfaced | 2

#4307226 - Sunday 15 April 2012 8:50

No, it's not awkward at all... Wait, maybe not

LupeTabasco | 5

#4307332 - Sunday 15 April 2012 9:07

OPs parents are probably paying him to keep watch/break em up? o.O

Birdie_Sage | 0

#4307405 - Sunday 15 April 2012 9:25

He must be a kid, not so awkward.

tellithowitis | 13

#4309137 - Sunday 15 April 2012 17:46

I thought it said at first I had to explain to my boyfriend why he can't go on dates with my new boyfriend and me...

ALpein | 0

#4310461 - Monday 16 April 2012 0:51

I accidently stopped reading at 'I had to explain to my brother why he can't go on dates with my boyfriend.'

By kiran_fml | 5

#4307088 - Sunday 15 April 2012 8:29

How awkward

kiran_fml | 5

#4307124 - Sunday 15 April 2012 8:33

How awkward that I commented twice...oops.

By isitinmybedroom | 11

#4307090 - Sunday 15 April 2012 8:29

Still counts!!!

MissEmma_fml | 22

#4307640 - Sunday 15 April 2012 13:08

No.

LightningCactus | 12

#4307671 - Sunday 15 April 2012 13:39

Quick question, what still counts?

rachellooo | 0

#4308642 - Sunday 15 April 2012 16:36

I'm sorry but I had to say your picture really creeps me out..

JJambiya21 | 0

#4308792 - Sunday 15 April 2012 16:52

Is this suppose to be from I just had sex by akon and the lonely island ?????

By bbedlock_fml | 7

#4307096 - Sunday 15 April 2012 8:31

He sounds lonely. You should set him up on his own dates, and then maybe he won't feel inclined to intrude on yours.

felisaa | 5

#4307159 - Sunday 15 April 2012 8:38

Yea(: poor guy's probably just really lonely.

nabee26 | 15

#4668267 - Monday 9 July 2012 15:49

Yea that could be it but also the brother could be a little brother, maybe 6 or 7yrs old, so fixing him up wouldn't be possible lol

By WCARlover | 34

#4307129 - Sunday 15 April 2012 8:34

I'm wondering the age of your brother now..

yahoowizard | 16

#4307491 - Sunday 15 April 2012 10:42

Extremely relevant here

Michael_92 | 20

#4307715 - Sunday 15 April 2012 14:24

27 and young lol

By HattedMad | 7

#4307135 - Sunday 15 April 2012 8:35

Aww, that's... just a wee bit creepy. But it's cute that he wants to spend time with you, given that he's, you know, younger than 10 or 11

By ajourdhui | 0

#4307149 - Sunday 15 April 2012 8:37

jealous of the bromance, aye? But, seriously I sympathize with your brother on this one for some reason -/('-')/-

By littlemsweirdo | 12

#4307157 - Sunday 15 April 2012 8:38

That is so not awkward...

By TheElderTROLLZ | 15

#4307204 - Sunday 15 April 2012 8:46

Threesome?! Wait, one of the men would be gay...

By BrysGirl27 | 14

#4307208 - Sunday 15 April 2012 8:47

Just looking out for his little/ big sister:) but still...awkward haha