That sounds like clinical depression, not life.

Easy homework for you; every night you feel you want to cry, try to get an appointment with a psychologist in the next twenty-four hours. Then, if you made the call, give yourself a pat on the back and a "Atta boy". If you didn't, call a suicide help line. You will have help in no time.

Even as a man, I have learned that sometimes a cry is what you need to express the feelings you have. But, OP what you are describing sounds like either a very tough situation you are facing or a genuine case of depression or likely both. OP I have been there too. Trust me nothing hurts worse than severe depression - And I have had some very serious surgeries and arthritis that hurt like hell… OP you need help. Usually you start by seeing your regular doctor. If you have had thoughts of self harm that will get you in ASAP. Then your doctor will usually recommend you to a psychologist or psychiatrist. In severe cases they usually prescribe an antidepressant and psychological counseling. Both are needed sometimes - the right medication helps fairly quickly but the counseling has the longest term payoff… If you cannot afford appropriate medical help (n the USA it’s usually covered by medical insurance, but there are copays) then there are other options. Sometimes counseling is available through your work - talk to HR, not your boss. Counseling is usually available through your school. Or if you are a member or attendee of a church or other religious organization they often have counseling available. Be advised that not every patient/psychologist/counselor is a good match. And you have to actually do the things your counselor advises you to to get results… OP, my personal experience is that severe depression is usually triggered by either emotional or even physical pain, though sometimes it’s not clear at first what the trigger was. Counseling teaches you how to handle that and make changes to improve the situation. My experience is modern psychologists do not spend time probing your secret fears - they focus on how you can avoid the cycle of despair… Finally there is sometimes a loss that triggers emotional pain and grief like you describe and it just takes time to work thorough the losses and emotional pain even for someone otherwise emotionally healthy.