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By StickyPickles - 17/09/2015 02:51 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I tried the 'Casual Encounter' page on Craigslist. Three hours, a bunch of spam, and a 30-minute call to some company, speaking to some lady I could barely understand to recover the $40 somehow charged to my card. I think I might want to try other ways to meet people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 442

You deserved it 9 678

By Fat Arsed Lass - 01/06/2014 10:28 - New Zealand - East Tamaki

Today, while laying on the couch my cat came and laid on me. Turns out my ass is big enough for my 13 year old cat to walk around in circles, wash itself, stretch and sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 479

You deserved it 9 503

Welcome back

By Soggy Sophia - 27/03/2013 15:44 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I went for my daily post-op doctor's appointment, where I was told I can resume normal activities. Which was handy when I came home to half-an-inch of water throughout my apartment, due to my washing machine drainage pipe coming undone while I was gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 120

You deserved it 2 651

By akosirm - 25/09/2012 02:28 - Philippines

Today, I was going to a big concert at my university. I paid around a hundred twenty bucks for my ticket. Outside the venue, people were handing out the tickets. For free. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 358

You deserved it 13 467

Pranked

By VHBJ - 16/06/2015 16:13 - United States - Charlotte

Today, I went out to eat. When I walked into the restaurant, a lady approached me and said she'd seat me soon. After a long wait, I saw that same lady leave. Then I realized she didn't actually work there and was just screwing with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 889

You deserved it 3 559

By disgusting - 31/05/2015 09:13 - United Kingdom - Thetford

Today, I uploaded a photo of myself at the beach on Facebook. The first comment it got was "Wow!! If I was 20 yrs younger, oh boy ;)". Yeah, thanks for that, grandpa. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 682

You deserved it 2 901

By Anonymous - 09/12/2012 06:43 - United States

Today, I called my dad, because I haven't spoken to him in a while, and I wanted to invite him to my graduation in May. When he picked up, I said, "Hey, how have you been, dad?" He scoffed, "Wrong number" and hung up the phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 890

You deserved it 3 097

By Anonymous - 17/01/2010 13:44 - United States

Today, my friend decided it was funny to burp in my face. The burp was actually vomit. We were in the food court at the mall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 211

You deserved it 2 724

By IHateSchool-.- - 11/12/2014 23:13 - United States

Today, I asked my teacher how old he was, and jokingly I said, "50?" Then he chuckled, so I laughed and said, "I was kidding… 42, 43, 44?" He then looked at me and said, "Are you trying to guess my age, or your grade percent in this class?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 296

You deserved it 30 238

By Ashy104 - 09/01/2010 05:36 - United States

Today, I asked my mom if she thought I looked skinny in my shorts. She jiggled my leg fat, looked up at me and walked away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 797

You deserved it 26 383

By Snurkles McGee - 22/05/2013 21:48 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I confronted my boss to find out why I was denied a promotion that she promised to me. Her response? "You should know by now I'm a liar. Not my fault if you believe the things I say." FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 563

You deserved it 3 679

Look where you're going, dude

By balancestrikesagain - 24/04/2009 09:37 - United States

Today, I was getting onto an airplane and happened to admire the stewardess. I was walking onto the plane and was just about to talk to her when my foot slipped into the crack between the boarding ramp and the plane. Not only did she laugh as I limped to my seat but now I have bruised nuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 491

You deserved it 10 817

By NocturnalFox - 25/08/2015 19:46 - Czech Republic - Plzen

Today, I went on a first date with my crush. Right before the date, I noticed a monstrous pimple in the middle of my forehead. I covered it with make-up, but it was still visible. The guy spent the whole evening laughing at me and telling me that I look like an unicorn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 945

You deserved it 2 212

By AnonymousCow - 20/09/2016 13:04 - Australia - Perth

Today, I told my daughter that she wasn't allowed to eat in her room, so she sat at the table and glared at me for 10 minutes while she ate. She's 15. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 852

You deserved it 1 911

Stoooooop!

By DIY560 - 24/02/2014 03:59 - United States - Ambler

Today, I was trying to study for a test when my brother and his friends decided to play the chant game, meaning one person yells something weird and everyone else has to say it back without laughing. All I heard for about two hours was them yelling things like, "DICK NIPPLES." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 786

You deserved it 3 731

By a person - 05/03/2009 04:29 - United States

Today, during my choral concert, I was helping turn the pages for the pianist who was accompanying the singers. In the middle of the song, one of the pages slipped and fell into his crotch area. In a panic, I frantically reached to grab the music. Well, I grabbed something. It wasn't the music. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 743

You deserved it 12 832

Thirst trap

By Anonymous - 18/03/2010 07:05 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were play-wrestling on the couch. I got thirsty, so I got up and grabbed a metal water bottle and drank out of it. He tried to playfully touch it and spill water on me, but instead hit it hard enough to where it slammed my mouth, chipped my tooth, and cut open my lip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 940

You deserved it 4 284

By Anonymous - 11/06/2016 14:27 - United States

Today, I proposed to my boyfriend. He said yes, but is now sulking because I took away his "manhood". Jeez, sorry I didn't want to wait another 7 years for you to finally do it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 025

You deserved it 2 041

Dog whistle

By uglyshoegirl - 08/03/2015 21:49 - Canada - Brampton

Today, I sent a picture to my best friend of the shoes I want to wear to prom. She replied, "Wow those are so unique". I guess she forgot that last week she told me she only uses the word unique when she hates something. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 906

You deserved it 3 163

Dope

By valarmorgoolies - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Binghamton

Today, my mom accused me of smoking weed. Truth is, I'd just ripped the quietest and weirdest smelling fart of my life. She wouldn't believe me, accused me of making stupid excuses up, and grounded me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 204

You deserved it 3 103

Food flight

By ashley_skillz06 - 24/01/2010 05:21 - France

Today, I went to a Japanese restaurant. While the chef was throwing food at us, I was getting ready for my turn. He tossed a piece of broccoli at me, I leaned back to catch it, completely falling off my chair. I knocked everything over and had the packed restaurant laughing at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 380

You deserved it 7 411

No fun allowed

By karmas a kunt - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was at work when an elderly lady casually mentioned it was her birthday. I motioned two of my coworkers over, and we sang a little "Happy Birthday" to her over the phone. Our boss stormed in mid-song and suspended all three of us on the spot for "unprofessional behavior." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 829

You deserved it 2 928

Gal pals

By AnnieThrax - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Holdingford

Today, I received the heels I'll be wearing at my best friend's wedding. The bride ordered them for us to match the dresses. They're six-inch platform heels. I have three broken toes and am still wearing a boot. The wedding is next weekend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 690

You deserved it 2 127

By Anonymous - 06/12/2015 15:36 - United States - Saint Cloud

Today, I found out that the $200 I reluctantly gave to my mother so she could rent a house was paid to a scammer. Now she wants to live with me, in my one bedroom apartment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 887

You deserved it 1 915

Same joke, different year

By joleezad5 - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Nixa

Today, while watching the Olympics, my father found it completely necessary to make a farting sound every single time an athlete jumps or bends over. This will be a very long few weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 233

You deserved it 2 479

Stuck

By Anonymous - 10/12/2009 11:47 - United Kingdom

Today, I found myself locked out of my house. I had to squeeze myself through a tiny window around the back. While hanging upside down, my hood fell over my head. My dog ran through to investigate the noise and ravaged me thinking I was a burglar. I then fell and broke my wrist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 376

You deserved it 5 262

By fleckney26 - 01/10/2015 14:43 - United Kingdom

Today, after months of running up four flights of stairs to what I thought was the only male restroom in the building, I found another one. It's always been just around the corner from my desk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 227

You deserved it 10 335

fleckney26 tells us more.

fleckney26 25

Friday 2 October 2015 8:06

OP here. All your comments have me in fits of laughter, and yes I do seem to have gained quite some leg muscle! For those asking why I hadn't seen the other toilets, it's because I thought the only thing around that corner was the post room, so I've never had a reason to go around there to find the other gents. Although I don't work in an office with all women, most are, and the issue of toilet placement has never come up when taking to the men. And before anyone else says about it, we do have lifts, but our boss gets annoyed at us if we used it. Thanks for getting this posted!

Always prepared

By Anonymous - 02/09/2015 09:20 - United Kingdom - Crawley

Today, some friends got upset with me as I wouldn't leave work early and cycle 12 miles to meet them to fix their punctures because they had no spare tubes or repair kits. The same friends that always mock me for being so prepared on bike rides. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 948

You deserved it 1 745

By Anonymous - 26/04/2013 18:01 - Mexico - Ensenada

Today, I was denounced for being a terrible person, because my family raises chickens, some of which we eat. I was then told how cruel I am for "killing innocent birds" and that "good" people buy their meat from the supermarket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 017

You deserved it 3 274

By not a kiddy fiddler really - 29/05/2015 20:15 - United States - San Francisco

Today, at my daughter's wedding celebration, I was doing a Michael Jackson act with a few buddies. It went well until I did the crotch-grab. I yanked my balls too hard and fell to the floor, writhing in agony in front of nearly 70 guests. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 099

You deserved it 26 666

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The Top

Today, I finally made out with my boyfriend. Let's just say his idea of making out is moving his tongue like a lizard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 442

You deserved it 5 149

Today, I was chosen out of 64 women to model for the catalog of a new clothing store. Just when my self-confidence took a dramatic boost, I looked at the evaluation sheet. I was picked due to attributes such as my "extra large figure and average face" to make below average women feel beautiful. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 533

You deserved it 4 656

Random

Today, I gave my friend condoms since he didn't have any and he was planning on "getting lucky." Little did I know he was planning on "getting lucky" with my sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 697

You deserved it 5 845

Today, my best friend of 10 years told me she had slept with a man who had a girlfriend. I told her that it wasn't that bad. She then informed me that it was my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 044

You deserved it 10 551

Today, I found out that my father asked my best friend to marry him. He's 38 and we're 18. She said yes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 864

You deserved it 3 261

Today, right after preparing a gourmet plate of dry-aged steak with freshly cooked mashed potatoes, I stepped on my son's Lego and dropped my plate. I stood there for 5 minutes, crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 048

You deserved it 445

Today, my brain hates me and refuses to let me sleep. No matter how physically exhausted I am, my mind just keeps racing. I just wanna get some sleep! FML

I agree, your life sucks 379

You deserved it 65

Today, my sister and her common-law-husband intensified their hints that their family is growing (a teenage son, a pre-teen daughter, and a new baby coming in the way), and it's getting rather crowded. In short, they want me out of the house. They may have also forgotten the mere fact that it is my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 671

You deserved it 105