Miscellaneous: Today, my friend decided it was funny to burp in my face. The...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my friend decided it was funny to burp in my face. The burp was actually vomit. We were in the food court at the mall. FML

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Miscellaneous

Late term

Rich people problems

RIP in peace

By everyonewasstaring - United Kingdom

Today, I was shopping in a packed store when I started to feel faint. Since I was quite far along in the queue, I tried to hold out until I reached the front of the queue. Good news: I succeeded. Bad news: I then fainted at the counter, hit my nose, and shit myself. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my husband got jealous of my new vibrator. I got the vibrator to "spice things up" between us, because he hasn't touched me in months. FML

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By Joe - United States

Today, I had the cops called on me because I accidentally texted "I'm going to kill you and use your head as hood ornament" to my ex-fiancé, instead of my best friend. I only texted that because he got a better grade on an exam than me. Now I have a court date. FML

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By Puppy problems - United States - Essex Junction

Today, I invited my boyfriend over to meet my new puppy. My dog decided to take a dump on his lap. He is now not talking to me because he thinks I trained my dog to do that. FML

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By fuckit - United States

Today, I realized I bought 30 condoms last year. I now have 29. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Henderson

Today, I decided to take a relaxing shower. My face mask made my face break out in hives. While exfoliating, my nipples became chafed. Then I slipped and cut myself while shaving. FML

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By ashamed - Germany

Today, I realized how much of a nutter my mother really is as she decided to write on a high visibility vest a "warning" that all foreigners, especially refugees, want to rape German women. She now wants to wear it each and every day in our hometown. FML

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By damn dog - United States

Today, during a firework show, my dog gave me her opinion about them by practically eating half my bedroom door then defecating on my bed. FML

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By anon - United States - Carlsbad

Today, I woke up after taking the new sleeping pills I was prescribed for my insomnia. I slept for 12 hours and had 5 missed calls from my boss. FML

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By sandy - United States

Today, I was completely naked in my boyfriend's bed. Suddenly his mom yelled that she was coming in so that she could get to the attic. I pulled a blanket up to my neck, hoping she would think I was cold. She had to step over my bra and panties on her way to the attic. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my psycho mom walked in while I was chilling and having fun with some friends. She kicked them out and now wants to drug test me, because "Nobody's that happy without drugs". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I couldn't get to work because I couldn't find my car keys. It turns out, my mother took them and put them "somewhere safe." She can't remember where they are. FML

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By gorey - Canada

Today, I gave blood. He sneezed while he stuck the needle in my arm. FML

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By ScarredDaughter - United States - Chula Vista

Today, my family and I were laying on my parents' bed watching a movie. My dad wrapped his arm around me and began rubbing my shoulder. That would have been fine, if it actually had been my shoulder and not my boob. Needless to say, we were both mortified. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Seattle

Today, while making dinner I cut my finger badly with a knife. When I yelled for my dad to drive me to the hospital, he accused me of lying to get attention. He had to taste my blood before he decided it wasn't red-colored corn syrup. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was wrapping Christmas presents for my family. I got a huge paper cut on the webbing of my fingers, the pain of which caused me to scream out loud. My whole family heard and came rushing to my room. My grandma took one look, and scoffed, "Oh suck it the fuck up, princess." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was driving back from school 100 miles away from my home with my fiancé and dog. While stopping for gas, we accidentally left our car keys and cell phones in the car. The dog sat on one of the keys and engaged the locks. We were locked out of the car until the tow truck arrived. FML

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By Greig - United States

Today, I saw my neighbor of twelve years at the grocery store. Being friendly, I went over to say hello. After I did, she responded by saying that she didn't know me but I look familiar. Finally, she remembered why I'm familiar saying that I look like the dorky guy from Two and a Half Men. FML

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By Weddingbelles - United States - Saint Louis

Today, at the end of my 10-hour shift, my manager made me count exactly how many business cards were left in inventory before I could leave. She didn't believe me when the number came to exactly 3000. She made me count them all again. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Forestville

Today, the whole family came over to celebrate my 18th birthday. My grandfather bought me a giant mathematics book. Apparently, he didn't want my 16 year old sister to be "jealous", so he got her the new iPad. FML

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By Datingdisaster

Today, I went on a date. We met in the parking lot of a restaurant. As I approached his car he took one look at me, said "Nope", and drove off. FML

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By tramplily - United States

Today, I was driving home and got a phone call from my mom. She called to tell me that there was a cop at the bottom of our hill, and to be careful. I got a ticket for talking on my cell phone while driving. FML

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By Mr. Headshot

Today, I celebrated my birthday with a few friends at home. As I bent down over my cake, my friend pushed my face into it. The baker should have told me she put in a stick to support the cake. FML

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By Frustrated - United States

Today, I tried to work on my attitude at work. People say I'm mean, so I tried to be nice all day. Apparently I'm now condescending. FML

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By disappointed - United States - West Fargo

Today, I finally finished watching Dexter. I was more disappointed by the finale than the picture I later received of my girlfriend cheating on me. FML

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By nj - United States

Today, in basketball practice my coach was putting is in teams to run drills. He points to me and says, "You, go babysit my son by the stage." FML

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By natalieeee - United States

Today, I was talking to this really nice guy who likes me, and he tells me he's packing. I asked him where he was going, he said Puerto Rico. And I said "LUCKY!" He replied "it's for the funeral". I forgot his grandma had died. FML

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By Fat Arsed Lass - New Zealand - East Tamaki

Today, while laying on the couch my cat came and laid on me. Turns out my ass is big enough for my 13 year old cat to walk around in circles, wash itself, stretch and sleep. FML

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By gmac0417 - United States

Today, I found out my husband has been talking to another woman on Facebook. His only defense was "I thought I deleted the messages." FML

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By thanks, Nemo. - United States - Hayward

Today, I let my 3-year-old daughter watch Finding Nemo on my phone while I made her lunch. I returned to find she had dropped my phone into the fish bowl so that her goldfish could see his friends. FML

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By Anonymous

Forever alone, episode 7864

Today, I lied at a store when the checkout person told me the cologne I was buying was for men. I told him it was for my boyfriend. I haven't had a boyfriend in 2 years, I just wanted it to smell like one. FML

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By ihateveganism - United States - Barrington

Today, my vegan girlfriend refused to give me a blowjob because, apparently, blowjobs aren't vegan. FML

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By Anonymous

Oddly specific thief

Today, my car was broken into. What was stolen? My steering wheel. FML

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By dwek - United Kingdom

Today, while checking through the graphic novel section of my library, I noticed a gay manga porn comic. While I was wondering who in the world would ever RENT such an item, I realised I had been staring at it for a full five minutes and people were watching me. FML

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By hannah12345 - France

Today, my mother walked in on my boyfriend licking whipped cream off my nipples. FML

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By strandedguest - United States

Today, while my friend and I signed the guest-book at a wedding, the drunk guy at our table stole my friend's painkillers and car keys before getting into a cab. Didn't need the painkillers, definitely needed the keys. FML

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By NotFunny - United States

Today, I missed my bus by a minute. I called up my step dad asking him if he can drive me because I had a test first period. After about calling him twenty times, and him not picking up, I see him drive by the bus stop pointing at me and laughing hysterically. FML

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By mental - United States - Norfolk

Insanity

Today, I had my first appointment with my new therapist. After I told her my family history and past abusive situations, she looked at me and asked, "How are you still sane?" FML

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By disappointed - United States - Rockville

Today, my eldest daughter told me about the sharp pains she's been having for the past couple of days. She also told me how she thinks it's really pointy carrots trying to escape her body. She's 11, and going to middle school. FML

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By life_sucks - New Zealand

Today, this huge wasp started flying around me. I freaked out and started running from it. Then I slipped, landed face-first in some dog poo, and got stung by the wasp on my leg. FML

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Top comments

By zom_fml | 10

#780332 - Sunday 17 January 2010 20:09

Who on earth put YDI? :s

That's really gross.. are they now an ex-friend?

By Jayjay210 | 0

#780269 - Sunday 17 January 2010 19:57

Lmfao, @ #2....
otherwise, punch them and say "wtf, Disgusting"

COMMENTS

By ahmziii | 0

#780263 - Sunday 17 January 2010 19:56

oii that sucks

NatDancer2010 | 0

#1030536 - Tuesday 15 June 2010 4:13

umm weird and disgusting

stepherz89 | 17

#5573113 - Wednesday 10 July 2013 4:12

What the fuck is wrong with ppl?!!

By saranottelling | 7

#780264 - Sunday 17 January 2010 19:56

Ew.... That must have spoiled your appetite and the appetite of everyone there.

By Jayjay210 | 0

#780269 - Sunday 17 January 2010 19:57

Lmfao, @ #2....
otherwise, punch them and say "wtf, Disgusting"

stopreadingmynam | 0

#1157675 - Thursday 29 July 2010 18:30

lol, 3, that's wat I would do

By perdix | 29

#780289 - Sunday 17 January 2010 20:01

I'd imagine that the vomit was probably tastier and cleaner than most of the food served in the food court.

FernandoTorres_fml | 0

#780550 - Sunday 17 January 2010 22:04

Really? I thought it was the same thing...

heyy331111 | 0

#952344 - Tuesday 16 March 2010 3:56

hahahahahaha

giggles518 | 0

#3699693 - Thursday 8 December 2011 1:40

-.-

By MikesterJ | 0

#780300 - Sunday 17 January 2010 20:03

So... did you open your mouth?

By awesome576 | 0

#780316 - Sunday 17 January 2010 20:06

ewwwwwwwww

By zom_fml | 10

#780332 - Sunday 17 January 2010 20:09

Who on earth put YDI? :s

That's really gross.. are they now an ex-friend?

By yermaw | 0

#780340 - Sunday 17 January 2010 20:13

bet they felt really bad after that.

that is reaally disgusting though :|

By anela_fml | 0

#780344 - Sunday 17 January 2010 20:16

ohhh I'd freak out lol

By joshhh11 | 0

#780348 - Sunday 17 January 2010 20:17

why do people put vote YDI on stuff like this!?! anyway, that's really gross and messes up man

alexblue | 5

#781941 - Monday 18 January 2010 12:01

people are stupid

born_to_lose_fml | 5

#782047 - Monday 18 January 2010 13:44

agreed