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By jackzz - 09/04/2015 07:55 - Vietnam - Hanoi

Today, at the restaurant I work at, my own mom refused to give a tip and complained to my boss. FML

agreeclassic 34 956

vote type 1 3 588

Poisoning

By anon - 07/11/2012 23:28 - United States

Today, I threw up after drinking a smoothie my mother made me. She then called me "ungrateful" and "immature" for not liking what she spent a long time making for me. I later found out that not only did she use expired yogurt, it was also a mango smoothie, which I'm allergic to. FML

agreeclassic 28 757

vote type 1 1 827

By blzrdsgrl - 16/09/2013 00:43 - United States

Today, I asked my girlfriend to marry me. She pretended like it never happened. FML

agreeclassic 47 353

vote type 1 3 576

blzrdsgrl app_comment_confession_title

blzrdsgrl 9

Monday 16 September 2013 23:38

Turns out...she thought I was joking because "I'm never serious"...

By hatemylifelol - 08/01/2016 20:33 - United States - Roseville

Today, I noticed I parked behind a boy I like. Trying to impress him with my driving skills, I ended up forgetting to put the car in reverse and rear-ended him. FML

agreeclassic 12 231

vote type 1 20 905

By Anonymous - 10/12/2010 13:05 - United States

Today, for the first time, a good looking guy was in my yoga class. Today also marked the first time I farted during yoga class. FML

agreeclassic 33 829

vote type 1 5 609

By Anonymous - 06/12/2010 05:00 - United States

Today, I found out that my mom doesn't know my phone number, but she does know the names of both of David Hasselhoff's daughters. FML

agreeclassic 24 571

vote type 1 3 963

By gotthewrongman - 17/12/2009 17:49 - United States

Today, I found that my Facebook account had been hacked, and all my friends were deleted. As I tried to add them all back, Facebook reported me as a hacker for adding too many people too quickly. FML

agreeclassic 34 557

vote type 1 3 729

Our pride and joy

By trgtyo - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I noticed my parents replaced my senior picture that hung on our living room wall with a painted one. Of our German Shepherd. FML

agreeclassic 48 026

vote type 1 3 729

By me - 27/10/2010 12:36 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend elbowed me in the eye while we were sleeping. His excuse: "You shouldn't have stayed over." FML

agreeclassic 30 244

vote type 1 5 738

By ugheffmylife - 09/05/2009 19:06 - United States

Today, I was playing with my phone and turned it on lock mode. I changed my lock code a few months ago, so that no one would be able to guess it. Turns out I can't guess it either. FML

agreeclassic 12 707

vote type 1 56 564

New name just dropped

By firefliiez - 15/11/2009 18:46 - United States

Today, my ex decided he wanted to start calling me "Pup." I jokingly said, "Please! Call me anything but that! Sausage face even! Just anything but that!" Later, we went bowling with a large group of friends. He put my name in the board as "Sausage Face." Everyone agreed it will be my new name. FML

agreeclassic 9 184

vote type 1 42 935

Thanks Susan

By ZombieGirl0417 - 30/09/2015 21:13 - United States - Jupiter

Today, my aunt asked to see my new airsoft pistol. Not thinking anything of it, I handed it to her. She shot me in the leg. I was standing next to her. FML

agreeclassic 22 235

vote type 1 4 508

Life's a beach

By MICHAELTHEA - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was walking on the beach when I tripped. I was about to land on a kid's sandcastle, so I tried to dodge by leaning left to avoid it. Before I hit the ground, I noticed the many rocks I was heading for. FML

agreeclassic 33 170

vote type 1 4 468

By whathehell - 27/04/2013 08:28 - United Kingdom

Today, I was walking through a rough part of town, when a woman screamed that I'd stolen her bag. I was tackled to the ground by a large guy, who then gave my bag to her. FML

agreeclassic 57 162

vote type 1 3 644

Spit take

By gatorhead - 09/09/2010 18:05 - United States

Today, while eating lunch, one of my friends told a joke that made everyone at the table laugh. Apparently, the guy standing behind me overheard and was laughing too. So much in fact that he spewed the red Gatorade he was drinking all over the back of my white shirt and hair. FML

agreeclassic 30 489

vote type 1 2 506

By Diana - 13/08/2010 01:06 - United States

Today, I was showing my three year-old that going down the deck steps are perfectly safe. At the top, I tripped on my shoe and fell head first down every step. I now have five stitches and a three year old who won't go anywhere near the deck. FML

agreeclassic 27 611

vote type 1 8 242

Classic excuse

By bfall74 - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, I was stood up by a blind date. After calling and texting her about being a horrible person, she called me from the hospital. She was in a car accident. FML

agreeclassic 14 001

vote type 1 62 303

I'm not kidding

By ouchies - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I had to call the doctor to go and have them remove a tick that had got stuck to my man-parts while fishing. The receptionist laughed, because she thought I was prank calling. FML

agreeclassic 34 334

vote type 1 3 702

By Not impressed. - 19/11/2013 05:51 - Canada - Toronto

Today, working in a department store, I spent at least 30 minutes helping a verbally abusive elderly woman in a wheelchair find an appropriate jacket for winter. She finally asked me to retrieve one she wanted in her size. When I returned she was in deep sleep, snoring and all. FML

agreeclassic 39 617

vote type 1 3 058

No excuses

By Ouch - 28/02/2015 02:25 - Hong Kong - Central District

Today, I broke my leg. My mom told me I still have to go to tennis class tomorrow because the course isn't refundable. FML

agreeclassic 32 790

vote type 1 2 438

By msj137 - 17/07/2009 07:25 - United States

Today, I had a softball tournament which also landed on my birthday. My dad had to leave town for work, so he left me a card on my night stand. Instead of a happy birthday, all it said was 'Don't mess up the game for everyone'. FML

agreeclassic 46 170

vote type 1 2 853

Accept this gift

By for shite's sake - 17/01/2015 22:24 - United Kingdom - Mirfield

Today, I took my driving test. I was really nervous, but I thought I did pretty well in the end. That is until I parked the car and looked to the examiner. He was visibly shaken. He said I'd passed, quickly filled in the paperwork and left. On the downside, my car still smells of his shart. FML

agreeclassic 34 691

vote type 1 3 736

By Anonymous - 06/01/2011 06:03 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting it on. My boyfriend noticed that every time I'm about to climax, I hit my head on something. Whether it's a wall or his face. FML

agreeclassic 28 504

vote type 1 6 156

By ledentist - 12/09/2012 02:24 - United States - Center Barnstead

Today, my dentist dropped my bite plate for x-rays on the ground, picked it up, looked at it intently, took a couple of hairs off, and shoved it back into my mouth. FML

agreeclassic 29 494

vote type 1 2 298

By idonteven - 12/08/2013 20:04 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was watching a movie with my family in which a character said "Fuck you, dad." My dad then slapped me over the head to get my attention and said, "Never talk to your father like that." Okay, dad. FML

agreeclassic 50 051

vote type 1 4 486

By why me?? - 07/08/2013 04:21 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I was leaving my friends' apartment in my mom's car and I backed into a fire hydrant. I lied and told my mom it was a hit and run. So she called the apartment complex. They had me on video hitting the fire hydrant. FML

agreeclassic 22 083

vote type 1 59 692

Booted

By Anonymous - 22/11/2010 07:32 - Australia

Today, a middle-aged woman came into the shoe shop where I work, and asked me to help her put on a pair of boots that were obviously too small. Simultaneously as I knelt down by her feet, she booted me in the face while we tried to get them on. FML

agreeclassic 26 363

vote type 1 3 373

By Anonymous - 13/07/2013 16:16 - Puerto Rico - San Juan

Today, I was playing Monopoly with my kids. It was fun, and led to some mock fights. My neighbor, who despises me for being a single mother, used it as an excuse to call the cops on me for "abusing" my kids. They were too confused to do anything but nod at the officer's accusing questions. FML

agreeclassic 56 229

vote type 1 3 637

By royallymessedup - 21/08/2014 16:36

Today, some random bloke introduced himself at a bar by asking to fuck me. I got tongue-tied trying to say both "fuck off" and "please go away". I ended up telling him to "Please fuck away." FML

agreeclassic 42 674

vote type 1 7 894

One stop cop shop

By Triumvirate - this FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I learned that making an illegal U-turn right after you see a cop doing one will not stop said cop from ticketing you. FML

agreeclassic 12 795

vote type 1 42 713

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Top

Today, the mosquito infestation is so bad that multiple mosquitoes sucked the blood out of the steak I was grilling and promptly died on top of it. FML

agreeclassic 4 447

vote type 1 360

Today, I’m tired of women taking drastic measures to avoid me, even though I’ve done nothing wrong. Recently, I was talking to an old classmate from high school and she faked deleting her profile to avoid following up with our talk about plans. FML

agreeclassic 200

vote type 1 506

Today, I received a package from an unknown address. Inside were doll heads and cigarette butts. FML

agreeclassic 33 014

vote type 1 2 667

Today, I realised my husband of 14 years is addicted to his phone. It's the first thing he sees in the morning, and last thing he looks at. FML

agreeclassic 800

vote type 1 168

Today, while swimming in my neighborhood pool, I noticed what looked like several cigarettes resting at the bottom and decided to investigate. Turns out it was actually just a used, bloody tampon that had spent enough time underwater to be broken into multiple pieces, and spread across the pool. FML

agreeclassic 26 786

vote type 1 2 239

Today, I had a microbiology exam and my professor gave us a bonus question asking "What’s my favorite baseball team?" At least I know I have 10pts on my exam. #FML #GoAstros

agreeclassic 2 136

vote type 1 596