Intimacy: Today, I realized that instead of actually trying to get a job,...

By horny bastard - 16/01/2009 08:34 - United States

Today, I realized that instead of actually trying to get a job, save money, lose weight, and get thin so I could maybe attempt to date again; I'd rather spend my money on a Fleshlight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 749

You deserved it 41 732

Intimacy

Dementia or hate? You decide

Dysfunctional

Panic

The old switcheroo

By Anonymous - 05/09/2019 06:06

Today, I was unable to go on my dream vacation because I thought I'd lost my passport. Feeling incredibly stupid, I had no choice but to watch my plane depart without me. Shortly after, my brother handed me passport, saying that since I wasn't going on my trip, I could use my refund to pay for his cat's surgery. My trip was non-refundable. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 672

You deserved it 177

By psychopumpkin - 13/05/2013 14:16 - United Kingdom - Boston

Today, I'm so strapped for cash that I smuggled toilet paper out of my mother's house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 114

You deserved it 7 289

By Anonymous - 20/12/2012 19:50 - Spain - Santa Cruz De Tenerife

Today, I was woken up by my dog scratching at my door. After a while of this, I finally got up to let her in. When I opened the door, she looked at me, threw up, and scurried away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 940

You deserved it 9 647

By anonymous - 24/02/2010 05:05 - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me I look like a fish gasping for breath when I "finish" during sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 758

You deserved it 4 451

By Anonymous - 04/10/2011 16:03 - United States

Today, my boyfriend got drunk and tried to french-kiss my dog. Now he has 12 stitches in his face, and he's insisting we have to get my dog put down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 650

You deserved it 4 219

Family ties

By Milly - 29/03/2021 22:01 - United Kingdom

Today, I disconnected and hid the WiFi router and told my kids and husband I wanted an hour together doing family stuff. I failed miserably. Rather than spend an hour together, they spent nearly 2 hours separately tearing the house apart for the router. Now the house is a mess and I’m still lonely. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 146

You deserved it 501

By Anonymous - 27/05/2013 00:21 - United States - Matteson

Today, my girlfriend decided to wake me up from a nap by kissing me. I started kissing her back passionately, when she slapped me. Apparently, kissing her back automatically without "confirming her identity" counts as cheating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 237

You deserved it 4 443

By destiny147 - 30/11/2009 12:17 - United Kingdom

Today, I posted a picture of my boyfriend and I kissing on facebook. He untagged himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 870

You deserved it 19 513

By Squid - 21/02/2017 07:00 - Canada - Parksville

Today, my older boyfriend and I went shopping together. When we arrived at the till, the cashier looked at me and asked, "Is this your pop?" I replied "No, this is my boyfriend, but we get that a lot." She paused, pointed at the case of Coke in the cart and said again, "Is this your pop?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 570

You deserved it 3 005

By Anonymous - 17/05/2009 13:21 - United States

Today, I was in the dressing room of my favorite store. While looking in the mirror at a shirt I really like, the fire alarm went off. In a panic, I ran out of the store like everyone else. The sensor went off on my shirt and I was banned from the store for attempted theft. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 551

You deserved it 4 796

By Snowman - 24/01/2016 22:21 - United States - Harrisonburg

Today, I was shovelling snow out of my driveway and broke my shovel. So I tried cleaning the driveway with a garbage lid. That broke too. Now I'm out snow shovel, AND a garbage lid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 841

You deserved it 4 791

By sandra22 - 22/01/2011 08:49 - France

Today, while skiing, I really needed to pee. The instructor pointed me towards some bushes. I slid over to them, and pulled my panties down. My skis then started sliding back down the slope. I ended up gliding through the bushes, all the way down to the rest of the group. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 909

You deserved it 8 273

New depths

By Bruce - 23/01/2021 11:01 - United States - Falls Church

Today, my sump pump stopped working so I called a plumber to fix it. It took two seconds for him to simply plug it back in. Cost me $75 for the call. FML

I agree, your life sucks 325

You deserved it 864

By madbirthdaymomma - 16/05/2014 03:15 - United States - Roswell

Today, I was hosting my daughter's thirteenth birthday party. One parent decided to stay at my house, the only parent to do so. The entire night she critiqued every decision I made, from the films to the cake. When it was time to open presents, her kid was the only one without one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 730

You deserved it 4 326

By Anonymous - 24/02/2016 15:05

Today, I went to my stepdad's funeral. He was the most important person in my life, but it didn't stop my stepsister angrily saying, "Why are you crying? He wasn't even your real dad." FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 067

You deserved it 1 263

By EKG - 11/02/2009 23:33 - United States

Today, after being in the hospital for 2 days with no visitors, I got my first phone call. It was my best friend asking if he could date my ex girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 653

You deserved it 2 582

Thanks, I guess

By joAnne - 03/03/2009 21:36 - United States

Today, I went to visit my fiancé's dying grandmother in the hospital with him. She started talking to us about living each day to the fullest. His grandmother points to me and says, "Life is short. That's why you don't waste any time screwing girls who look like that." FML

I agree, your life sucks 77 589

You deserved it 4 138

By Karaoke Queen - 20/11/2018 12:00

Today, I went to a work event and was having my picture taken with a coworker. Since we had done karaoke together, someone said we should pose like we were singing. I held my hand up like I was holding a mic and opened my mouth. It looked like I was performing a sex act. My boss glared at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 645

You deserved it 677

By geena - 27/10/2012 06:42 - United States - Washington

Today, while at work being a waitress, I gave my customer his credit card receipt to sign. Instead of giving him a pen, I pulled a tampon out of my apron pocket and handed it to him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 992

You deserved it 7 942

By immunizations - 11/12/2010 07:40 - Canada

Today, while parking my car, I accidentally bumped into the car in front of me, making a small, barely noticeable dent. I felt bad, wrote an apology note, and stuck it on his windshield. An hour later, he replied by keying the entire right side of my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 627

You deserved it 10 620

By Deadpool - 16/07/2019 21:11 - United States - Weaverville

Today, it appears that the cousin who burglarized my house and threatened to kill my wife, daughter and I during a meth binge is more welcome at a family reunion than we are. We were assured last year by family that this wouldn't happen, because we are "good people who have wronged no one." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 124

You deserved it 170

By kezbabes - 03/05/2014 18:15 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I was driving my grandpa to the store because his car is in the shop. I was well within the speed limit, but he kept yelling at me for "speeding", then accused me of trying to give him a heart attack, and eventually pulled the e-brake, getting us rear-ended. He refuses to apologise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 023

You deserved it 3 900

By bubblezzz123 - 04/09/2009 18:41 - United States

Today, I went to a carnival. While walking around with my cousin, I saw a one hundred dollar bill on the ground. Just before I stepped on it, a man grabbed it. His words? "Don't you just hate it when that happens?" And he walked away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 303

You deserved it 5 691

By Anonymous - 02/09/2018 04:00

Today, we were at church when I pulled my toddler’s hand out of his pants and he screamed "I WAS MAKING MY PENIS BIG!" I need a new church. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 472

You deserved it 414

By Lisa - 19/09/2011 02:07 - United States

Today, after being dumped by my boyfriend of two years, I poured my heart out to my dad. He nodded and looked sympathetic throughout. Afterwards, I asked him what I should do. He replied, "How the hell should I know?" and awkwardly left my room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 869

You deserved it 5 680

By trippiex - 30/11/2019 20:00

Today, I was driving by the carnival and I really had to use the bathroom. I saw a porta-potty next to a house, so I parked in their front yard to use the bathroom very quickly. I came out to see a group of teenage boys urinating on my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 735

You deserved it 808

By budadepressed - 18/07/2016 21:22 - United States - Burnsville

Today, due to a scheduling error, I spent an entire day and night in an airport, over 30 hours in total. Just as I arrived at the gate, I was informed that my flight had been delayed for another 2 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 500

You deserved it 1 055

By Anonymous - 25/07/2012 10:54 - United States - Murrieta

Today, I told my son to go clean his mess of a room. He yelled, "Dobby has no master! Dobby is a free elf!" and walked off. He turned 18 a week ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 498

You deserved it 13 801

By anon - 27/12/2013 06:40 - United States - San Francisco

Today, the only conversation I had with my mother where she didn't explode into a hissy fit was about peanut butter vs. almond butter. And even then she was starting to get mad at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 940

You deserved it 3 495

By thunderthighs644 - 23/11/2011 03:21

Today, while jogging, I heard an odd clapping sound over the sound of my iPod. I stopped running, and the sound stopped. This continued for an hour before I realized the slapping sound was my thighs slapping together violently. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 276

You deserved it 11 841

By anonymous - 24/04/2012 18:18 - United States

Today, my husband announced that he wants to separate emotionally. Meanwhile, he still wants me to cook and clean for him while he dates his new girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 081

You deserved it 3 307

Kitchen Nightmare

By Pinsky - 30/07/2021 23:01 - United States - Chicago

Today, I walked in on my mom, my dad, Sarah, and Sarah's husband James making dinner in the kitchen. Completely naked. At 2 p.m. They weren't cooking anything to eat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 889

You deserved it 106

By Anonymous - 02/01/2013 19:02 - Canada - Belle River

Today, at a house party, I finally got the guy I've been seeing alone in his room. We started making out, and I got on top of him to take control. He responded by saying he couldn't do it because he needed to go make pizza for his friends, and then bolted out of the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 857

You deserved it 9 829

By probablyadopted1 - 04/05/2016 16:39 - United States - Houston

Today, my family savagely mocked me to the point of tears, all for using "big", "fancy" words like "accommodations" and "hospitality". FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 304

You deserved it 1 454

By Annonmyus - 03/12/2010 08:56

Today, my boyfriend left me for my step-sister. He's been cheating on me with her for the past 6 months, and got her pregnant. I also found out that my stomach pains are due to the fact that I'm also pregnant. My family could officially qualify for Jerry Springer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 102

You deserved it 9 750

By superjesse006 - 10/10/2009 07:23 - United States

Today, I was fired from a job I didn't have. The manager in charge of calling me to tell me if I got the job never called, and never called me back when I left messages. The only time he called me was to fire me for not coming to orientation, which, by the way, he never called to tell me about. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 894

You deserved it 2 489

By stickyickystone - 21/07/2019 14:12

Today, I got my hand caught in a belt sander while sanding down what was supposed to become a "Caution" sign. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 570

You deserved it 339

Surrounded

By Alyce - 10/10/2020 17:01 - United States - Lewistown

Today, my significant other woke at 4:30 a.m. to me crying about a spider in the bathroom. I have an intense fear of spiders; he was super nice and took care of it for me. He even walked me out to my car. I started to calm down driving to work, but when I got there what do I see on the door handle but a spider. I'm still shaking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 873

You deserved it 385

By scumbag i guess - 08/09/2012 00:26 - United States - El Paso

Today, I went out to a club, hoping to score. I'd read about a trick pickup artists use called "negging" and decided to try it out. As I finished complimenting a girl for being brave enough to have not made much of an effort with her makeup, she slammed her knee between my legs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 886

You deserved it 53 233

By Anonymous - 02/01/2013 11:15 - France - Ville-d'avray

Today, after a drunken New Year's Eve party with friends, I woke up with a penis on my cheek. It wasn't a drawing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 712

You deserved it 2 013

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Top comments

texmas 0

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Friday 27 February 2009 12:05

See, this is why you will die alone. Not because you're overweight, or because you don't have a job- though, those things certainly don't help. But because you have no ambition, no aspirations, no hopes, no desires, no drive. As a woman, I can definitively say that there is nothing less attractive than self-imposed hopelessness. That sort of depression is absolutely contagious. I'm sure you have positive traits, but this post has officially labeled you as the worst sort of loser: a boring loser with no desire to change that.

fredrikleijon 4

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Thursday 3 November 2011 1:27

Google is your friend

Timmytwofinger 0

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Thursday 5 February 2009 2:27

why not invest in a real doll if your actually that sad

Really_SIGH 7

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Friday 17 May 2013 21:29

Agreed. It is fmls like this one that inspired my name... Op if it really sucks, put your dick in it ;)

Rainbowsareshiny 0

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Saturday 14 February 2009 3:31

hahahahahahahahahahahahaha you could just make a porno with your hot best friend (girl or boy)

rottentomatoes 7

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Monday 11 July 2011 1:16

like Zack and Miri?

gabybilyk 5

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Tuesday 29 May 2012 13:20

Where's number 1 ?

khaldun 0

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Monday 16 February 2009 12:17

OMG GUYZ, I ACCIDENTALLY MY FLESHLIGHT.

twitteraddict 0

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Tuesday 24 February 2009 17:07

whats a fleshlight?

fredrikleijon 4

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Thursday 3 November 2011 1:27

Google is your friend

Pineapple_Salad 14

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Wednesday 8 June 2016 12:41

A think you shove up your vag

Eashy 16

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Thursday 11 May 2017 22:02

What the fuck made you think that's what it is?

texmas 0

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Friday 27 February 2009 12:05

Dylan94_fml 8

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Monday 22 March 2010 1:41

wow, bitch...

bitcherinn 0

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Monday 29 March 2010 4:06

I second this.

Popsiclese 0

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Tuesday 31 August 2010 8:54

booooring

RavenXRampage 1

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Saturday 9 October 2010 1:34

I completely agree with you.

SulfurPlague 0

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Monday 31 January 2011 8:49

as a dude, i can definately say that there is nothing less attractive then a bitch. don't be so stuck up.

No_LoveMM 3

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Monday 31 January 2011 15:09

46- Agreed.

windfuelsfire 10

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Thursday 7 July 2011 0:23

100% agree Tex.

22cute 17

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Sunday 10 July 2011 19:42

I'm pretty sure Tex isn't interested in attracting your type of "man". I know I'm not.

roxas355 0

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Monday 18 July 2011 5:29

although some of this is true you don't need to be so harsh, or quite frankly a bitch about it.

koolkat27 13

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Wednesday 3 August 2011 10:44

well, someones definetly pmsing:(

resplendencerino_fml 3

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Wednesday 3 August 2011 14:28

what, so she's stuck up because this type of man doesn't do it for her? get a reality check

nickswardson 0

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Sunday 28 August 2011 3:52

You realize almost all of these fmls are fake, right?

Number1Wiener 5

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Monday 29 August 2011 9:31

Maybe she's just fat? :D

emodude44 0

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Tuesday 6 September 2011 18:41

What?

Solano2580 24

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Sunday 20 September 2015 8:58

So everyone with depression is completely unattractive and basically a loser? I have depression yet I haven't had any one I ever dated dump me specifically for that reason, not every woman thinks like you so don't act like what you said applies to most women, just superficial ones that expect to be with sports stars or geniuses

JeanNe91 0

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Wednesday 4 March 2009 23:55

amen to #13.

HyperFlirt 0

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Sunday 8 March 2009 7:41

Although they try, a 'Fleshlight' is nothing like having sex with a real woman.

tismylife09 0

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Friday 13 March 2009 0:21

#2 haha zack and miri

urallosers 0

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Saturday 21 March 2009 14:45

all i can say is you're the biggest loser i've read about so far. I wish i had invested in the company that makes fleshlites, as i'm sure their's more losers out their like you that would buy them. Stop smoking pot, get a job, get a savings account, and start running. #9 was right. start doing something about it.