Today, my professor cancelled class so I turned off my alarm....

By DreamsDontComeTrue - 5/2/2015 06:15 - United States - Newport News

Today, my professor cancelled class so I turned off my alarm. When I woke up, I checked my email again. There was no email from my professor. It was a dream. FML

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Miscellaneous

Keep the peace

Never flip flop and drive

Social distancing gone wrong

By WishIWasAWriter - 8/9/2011 18:03 - United Kingdom

Today, I bought a book by a #1 bestselling author, hoping it would distract me from having my manuscript rejected, as well as learn what made their book so successful. Now I realize I need to say stuff like, "I wish I had great boobs (hehe... boobs)" to get my works published. FML

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By he is going to hell - 18/9/2012 21:46 - Australia - Forestville

Today, I found out my little brother is a highly committed Nazi. He goes to meetings and everything, my parents think it's great he is "getting out and developing a social life." FML

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By vividrabbit - 12/7/2009 13:29 - United States

Today, I went on a first date with a guy I really hit it off with. Then he admitted that he was a recovering heroin addict and had to cut our date short to go to the methadone clinic. When I got home, I realized that my wallet was missing $40. I think he lied about the "recovering" part. FML

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By halloweed - 16/11/2011 05:27 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend when he suddenly pulls out and says, "Pull my penis." So I pulled his penis and he farted. Then he started doing it again. FML

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By anon - 20/8/2012 05:00 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, my boyfriend got a hotel room with a jacuzzi, drinks, and tickets to Six Flags for my birthday. He is currently passed out drunk on the other side of the bed, cursing me out in his sleep. FML

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By imfucked - 26/7/2019 14:00

Today, I found out the paycheck I deposited on Tuesday bounced. This means that the checks I sent to my landlord, the electric and gas company and my mom will also bounce. When I told my boss, we got into an argument over bank fees and he fired me. I had thumped him, though. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/12/2009 20:20 - United States

Today, my very good friend ratted me out to my boss because I used the photocopier for personal use. He said he will always be my friend, but "rules are rules." FML

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By Goody2shoes - 21/7/2010 16:08 - India

Today, my mom found my pack of cigarettes. She's now making me go to rehab. I had only smoked one cigarette ever just to try it. I didn't even like it. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/4/2011 21:05 - United States

Today, while shopping, I was grabbed and dragged off to a security room with no warning. Apparently, the way I was dressed and walking was suspicious. FML

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By annoyed - 14/12/2011 14:06 - United States

Today, my husband changed the voice on my car's GPS to Mr T's. I don't know how to change it back. I've been saying, "I pity the fool" over and over again ever since. FML

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By Toooldforthisshit - 9/12/2018 11:30 - United States - New London

Today, I found out the girl my boyfriend was seeing just before me, is pregnant... FML

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By swana99 - 4/9/2013 20:39 - United States - Woburn

Today, I went to my first class of the year. The first thing the teacher said was, "I hate this f*cking school." FML

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By Triedtobecool - 6/4/2009 02:22 - Canada

Today, I went to buy beer underage for a party to impress a girl. I picked up the case of beer and went to the cashier, he ran it through without asking for ID. I left the store with a smirk on my face, I arrived at the party and showed the case to the girl. It was non-alcoholic. FML

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By hiitisbrooke - 23/11/2015 20:17 - United States - Dearborn

Today, I texted my friend asking if he'd like to join my "porno group". I meant promo. I quickly texted back correcting the mistake, but not before I received the nudes he sent. FML

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By fiat850 - 9/5/2020 17:00

Messy

Today, I had two accidents in my car: one when a truck drove into its rear end, the other immediately after when my own rear end released its load onto the seat. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/11/2010 21:31 - Ireland

Today, I accidentally left my sister's hamster's cage open and it escaped. My dad recently put mouse traps down. Guess where I found her. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/9/2019 20:00 - Australia

Dumbo's jumbo dungo

Today, I learned not to get a job as an elephant keeper at the zoo when the water at home is out for a week for renovations. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/4/2009 00:20 - United States

Today, my grandmother gave me a huge speech on being abstinent until marriage. Being the honest person that I am, I told her I wasn't a virgin anymore. Instead of being mad and telling me I was going to hell. She asked me what my favourite things to do sexually were. And told me hers in detail. FML

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By icanthearyou - 4/4/2013 23:55 - United States - Rock Island

Today, I was working at a daycare. There was a 6-year-old boy pretending to be my doctor, holding a little, plastic thermometer. He then, without warning, quickly shoved it deep into my ear. The last thing I heard was his giggle. I think I'm deaf. FML

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By MILF - 16/4/2014 22:03 - United States - Maryland Heights

Today, one of my most problematic students remained after class, whence he strongly insinuated his interest in receiving oral sex; I tried to convey just how inappropriate that was, when he interrupted, "Look, will you at least touch it?" FML

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By Ashley Youngman - 16/6/2019 20:04

Today, I spent five minutes shaking a bowl of Jello because it looked cool. FML

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By Marcilor001 - 10/8/2018 20:30

Oops.

Today, I realized I have a weight problem. My brother excitedly showed me his new high-end scale and measured his weight, then our other brothers. I took one step on it and the screen read "E". It then shut off and hasn't turned on since. FML

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By kiwi2323 - 26/9/2012 01:48 - United States

Today, my intoxicated husband asked my very conservative parents how their sex life is now that all the kids are out of the house. FML

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By ch - 4/3/2009 05:40 - United States

Today, my grandmother patched up my $300, vintage, limited edition, designer jeans because she thought I'd accidentally ripped them. FML

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By montanadinosaur - 26/4/2015 04:05 - United States - Tampa

Today, I was watching porn, and ended up bawling because the girl in the video looked like my ex. FML

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By TMI - 5/8/2009 19:36 - United States

Today, I was opening and sorting mail for my boss as part of my job. One package was delivered to the office instead of his home by mistake, since his house is next door on the same property. I didn't notice until I had opened it. I had to hand my boss an opened box of toys. Kinky ones. FML

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By Thisismylife - 26/1/2015 06:55 - Canada

Today, I had pizza for lunch. Later, I passed out in front of a customer. Now I get to explain to my boss that I fainted on the job because of heartburn. FML

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By facepalm - 5/6/2012 14:48 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I received my first negative feedback on my otherwise flawless eBay record. The woman who bought the item said it wasn't as delicious as she was expecting, so there must be something wrong with it. What was I selling? A new and unopened lipstick. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/4/2020 14:00

The Taste of Love

Today, I was watching a romantic comedy at my boyfriend's house. During the make out scene, I decided to go in for a kiss. He apparently decided to belch at the same time. I could taste it. FML

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By YOUNG1441 - 29/6/2016 21:50 - United Kingdom - Cramlington

Today, after finishing a two-day course for work, I was informed that the days used will either be unpaid or used up as holidays, as it was for improvement of myself and not the company. They put me on the course without my knowledge until the weekend before. FML

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By Xandriajoy10 - 4/1/2016 05:21 - Australia

Today, my 5 year-old informed me she likes her "other mummy" more and wants to live with her instead. I need to have a long conversation with my husband. FML

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By ballerphilip23 - 15/5/2009 17:11 - Austria

Today, I was standing on the packed bus home when I had a speck of dust in my lenses. As I couldn't rub it out, I tried blinking it out for the next five minutes. Then the hot girl opposite me screams "Stop winking at me, you bastard! Don't even think about it, you ugly fuck!" FML

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By Clauric - 3/5/2016 15:15

Today, I found out my 35 year-old brother got divorced 18 months ago when my now ex-sister-in-law told me via Facebook messenger, and asked me to tell my parents, as both of them were too scared to do it themselves. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/8/2010 12:23 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend asked me how big the Sun would be compared to the Earth. I didn't have anything on me to help demonstrate, so to imitate the Earth, I made a small hole with my index finger and thumb and said "Okay, imagine a ball this small." She then looked at my crotch. FML

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By I should have kept my mouth shut - 23/1/2013 01:35 - United States - Davis

Today, I was talking to my grandma and I mentioned the fact that tomatoes are technically fruit. It's been an hour and she's still yelling, accusing me of lying to her. FML

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By vaylosa - 22/2/2015 20:36

Today, I decided to go all-natural and go to work without any makeup on. My boss swore I was on drugs, which I guess had absolutely nothing to do with the completely "random" drug test I had to take later in the day. FML

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By Chumpee - 8/6/2016 17:17 - United States - Akron

Today, after years busting my hump for my father's business with the understanding of one day taking it over, he informed me that my nephew, who has never shown any interest in the company, is being brought in to take it over. FML

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By Stevie - 16/8/2011 06:52 - Canada

Today, my mom was convinced that the lawn gnomes we bought from Wal-Mart were secretly conspiring to kill us. FML

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By Ashley - 3/5/2016 04:25 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I found out why my boyfriend of 5 years won't propose/marry me. He would rather wait for his estranged wife to meet someone, fall in love, decide to get married, and do the filing herself. He doesn't want to pay the couple of hundred dollars for the uncontested divorce filing. FML

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By cock blocked - 22/4/2015 15:44 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I started work cleaning a customer's pool. I think her husband watches too much porn because he keeps glaring at me from the windows, and I overheard him telling his wife that he knows what's "going on" and that he's "not gonna let it happen". FML

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Top comments

By ShadoeAcurus | 16

#6193621 - Thursday 5 February 2015 18:40

At least it was a good dream.

By HighasaCloud | 46

#6193626 - Thursday 5 February 2015 18:43

Hopefully you only missed a lecture and not an exam!

COMMENTS

By ShadoeAcurus | 16

#6193621 - Thursday 5 February 2015 18:40

At least it was a good dream.

nix1993 | 41

#6193692 - Thursday 5 February 2015 19:44

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Nexpecto | 28

#6193720 - Thursday 5 February 2015 20:19

#27 If you didn't notice this is someone else's share time.

Iwannarock1 | 19

#6194146 - Friday 6 February 2015 5:50

Thanks for sharing #27

incoherentrmblr | 21

#6194259 - Friday 6 February 2015 8:14

Beastie Boys - Sabotage...

By guynamedsky | 15

#6193623 - Thursday 5 February 2015 18:41

a surprise day off

By AutisticAbyss | 10

#6193624 - Thursday 5 February 2015 18:43

Inception at its best!

HighasaCloud | 46

#6193632 - Thursday 5 February 2015 18:46

Now if only OP could made the professor dream about cancelling class and actually do so when he wakes

By WCARlover | 34

#6193625 - Thursday 5 February 2015 18:43

Hopefully it's not a class where they count attendance :( I bet the professor has never heard that excuse before though haha

By HighasaCloud | 46

#6193626 - Thursday 5 February 2015 18:43

Hopefully you only missed a lecture and not an exam!

By toaster87 | 19

#6193627 - Thursday 5 February 2015 18:43

Shit happens, it's only one day.

liquifiednate | 21

#6193776 - Thursday 5 February 2015 21:19

That one day can make a huge difference though. Last semester when I was taking a history class the professor would go through 3-4 chapters/sections during lecture, and if you skipped the lecture you would be missing a lot of information.

mansen | 15

#6194187 - Friday 6 February 2015 6:58

Depends on the class you missed. Missing a psych, sociology or philosophy class, not so bad. Miss a calc, chem or genetics class...you can kiss sleep goodbye for a long while trying to catch up from all the info you missed.