Miscellaneous: Today, I was telling my aunt that I had achieved my blue belt...

By colorguard13 - 02/04/2013 00:15 - United States - Maryville

Today, I was telling my aunt that I had achieved my blue belt in karate. Looking at my short hair, she says, "You're going to end up a lesbian." Thanks Aunt L. Love you too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 420

You deserved it 5 023

colorguard13 tells us more.

colorguard13 11

Send a private message

Tuesday 2 April 2013 13:12

No, she doesn't use FML. I just didn't want to out and say her name.

Miscellaneous

Stop talking!

Empathy lives

Best teeth in the game

By Dante178 - 08/12/2011 20:41 - United States

Today, I went to court to file a small claim and found myself at the end of a huge line. The moment I got to the front of the line, the fire alarm went off and we all had to leave the building. The moment I got outside, the alarm stopped and everybody rushed back in. I'm at the back of the line. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 671

You deserved it 3 771

By damnit - 25/08/2009 06:44 - Australia

Today, I got my first tattoo. It's a large broadsword which runs the length of my spine. I went home to show it off and learned that the hilt on my neck looks just like a penis when the rest of it is covered with my shirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 760

You deserved it 63 979

By Tired Girlfriend - 14/06/2017 22:00

Today, it's 2am. I've been trying to get to sleep for the past two hours next to my snoring boyfriend. Every time I nudge him to shut him up, his body tenses, he farts, then goes straight back to snoring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 812

You deserved it 464

DIY FML

By Anonymous - 02/04/2012 03:59 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my dad told me it would be fine to use the mounting tape he'd bought to place paintings up in my newly painted room. I did, but after deciding I wanted to move a painting and pulling it off the wall, the wall came with it. Back to square one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 851

You deserved it 5 764

By both are dimwitted - 23/12/2014 18:32 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my ex called, saying she's 3 months pregnant. She seems to have forgotten that we haven't been in the same room, much less friends, in over a year. My dimwitted wife thinks the baby is mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 402

You deserved it 4 639

Stop! Hammertime!

By shotdown - 04/11/2010 04:18 - United States

Today, in the middle of hot passionate sex with my husband, he stops and tells me he won't be able to finish until I go brush my teeth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 576

You deserved it 41 478

By Anonymous - 15/07/2015 16:29 - United States - Katy

Today, I went downstairs early in the morning to watch a movie. As I walked into the living room and reached for the light switch, I heard my dad say "Knew you'd change your mind. Get them panties off." followed by the sound of a zipper being undone. I've never been so mortified in my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 873

You deserved it 2 700

By Almostlovedchild - 20/01/2017 18:00

Today, my father made a post on Facebook with an old baby picture, saying how proud he was that I got into college. This would have been sweet if the baby picture was actually of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 930

You deserved it 567

By S. Bauer - 02/11/2011 13:50 - Portugal

Today, I yelled at my boyfriend for smoking in the house, because I didn't want the house to smell like smoke. While doing so, I knocked over a candle and lit the couch on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 461

You deserved it 14 852

By Anonymous - 10/08/2019 06:00 - United States - New Rochelle

Today, I went fishing. Not only did I lose the fish, I lost the entire rod. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 305

You deserved it 373

By Heretique - 09/02/2011 09:30 - Norway

Today, we had to evaluate each other in class. Apparently I'm a quarrelsome, uncommitted, commanding bitch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 493

You deserved it 35 304

By hotpatata - 06/07/2012 15:03 - United States

Today, I sneezed my jaw out of socket. Yes, this is possible. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 008

You deserved it 2 224

By cllutz - 07/02/2011 03:18 - United States

Today, I found out my husband is sleeping with my best friend. The best part? We all just signed a 12 month essentially non-breakable lease on a house together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 697

You deserved it 5 110

By Anonymous - 17/03/2016 13:21 - Netherlands - Ottersum

Today, I got a heads-up that my boss suffered a death in the family, but was coming into work anyway. I thought he'd be depressed, but it seems he deals with grief with anger instead. I found that out when he yelled at me, threatening to rip my spine out my ass over a typo I made in a report. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 830

You deserved it 1 382

By ouch - 24/07/2013 18:03 - United States - Sterling

Today, I spontaneously got my ear pierced. By spontaneously, I mean my 12-year-old sister stabbed one of her earrings into my ear while I was sleeping. She claimed the freckle on my earlobe looks "exactly the same" as the hole from her ear piercing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 269

You deserved it 3 296

Whole foods

By anonymous - 06/03/2016 05:33 - Australia - Sydney

Today, my 17 year-old daughter told me she was going to bake a cake. When she finished, she offered me some, but it was crunchy. I asked her why and she said the recipe said to put eggs in. She put them in whole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 227

You deserved it 3 533

By webperson04 - 27/07/2009 19:07 - United States

Today, I was peeing in a urinal at a bar. A drunk guy comes in, and seeing no urinals open, he decides to pee between my legs from behind me. He didn't have good aim. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 320

You deserved it 3 588

By Man Shamed - 29/06/2019 10:00 - United States - Hyattsville

Today, while using the bathroom in a small coffee shop, I somehow passed out sitting on the toilet. There is nothing more jarring than waking up to the vicious banging of 7 angry, urine-filled patrons attempting to break down a door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 381

You deserved it 1 071

Imitation is a form of flattery. Or is it?

By Anonymous - 08/08/2020 14:02

Today, and ever since he saw the infamous interview that was on TV the other day, every time I say something to my husband, he keeps quoting, "You can't do that!" and "You don't know that!" at me in Donald Trump's voice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 176

You deserved it 165

By anonymous - 06/05/2015 13:36 - United States - Schaumburg

Today, my mom got mad at me because I wouldn't write to Ellen Degeneres about her. She now won't talk to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 610

You deserved it 3 228

By BrokeAsHell - 30/05/2013 08:51 - Australia - Werribee

Today, my landlord emailed me, stating that she hasn't been receiving my rent. After some investigation, I found out she's been using the money to buy booze, and hasn't been putting it into the house owner's account. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 832

You deserved it 2 866

By Anonymous - 15/05/2015 23:55 - United States

Today, I came home to find my dad drinking. Trying to be cheerful, I greeted him with a "Hi, dad!" He sighed, shook his head, and said "It hurts me when you call me that." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 657

You deserved it 2 363

Fix up look sharp

By Nalya - 09/01/2009 03:38 - France

Today, my boss told me that we're having a big meeting tomorrow, with lots of important people. Before leaving the room he added, "Please, tomorrow, try to dress better." FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 857

You deserved it 6 415

By Nope - 26/06/2015 21:46 - United States - Healdsburg

Today, I was at the market when a guy started telling the man I was with how "curly-haired women are an adventure," saying what he would do to a woman like me. He was talking to my father. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 314

You deserved it 1 784

By superdriver - 07/02/2011 17:46 - Mexico

Today, I was driving with my parents while explaining that young people like myself are better drivers because we have better reflexes. My explanation was suddently interrupted with the sound of me crashing the car against a parked car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 178

You deserved it 50 596

By AlexaSt2611 - 25/08/2010 00:08 - Paraguay

Today, I was enjoying a nice shower in the morning. While I was massaging the shampoo out of my hair, I saw the gardener walking past my bathroom window, yelling "Good morning" and waving in my direction. My left boob politely waved back at him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 500

You deserved it 28 303

By 2ndchoice - 12/12/2009 15:47 - Belgium

Today, my boyfriend wanted to tell me how much he loves me. He said a lot of wonderful things, such as not being able to live without me and hoping that I would want to live with him and marry him someday. He ended his loving speech with his ex-girlfriend's name instead of mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 885

You deserved it 2 906

By Bigbaby - 11/06/2015 22:29 - United States - Ontario

Today, I decided to be the "cool aunt" and take my nephew to a horror movie. I ended up being so scared, I burst into tears. Nothing says "cool" like having an 11-year-old walk a sobbing, grown woman from a theatre. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 837

You deserved it 12 168

By impickingyourhomegran - 13/08/2012 22:12 - United Kingdom - London

Today, it was my wedding day. Midway through the ceremony, my grandma, who's tried to ruin every relationship to date, stood up and shouted that "it ain't right", "you're too good for her", and claimed my fiancée has been cheating on me, before she was finally ejected from the building. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 566

You deserved it 1 896

By hellolaina - 27/06/2016 16:33 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I realized that without fail, even if I'm not supposed to get it, I get my period just in time for vacations. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 874

You deserved it 1 369

By danonno - 02/08/2012 21:08 - Canada - Nelson

Today, I was sitting under a rather large house plant in my dining room, minding my own business when a spider lowered itself right in front of my face. It startled me, causing me to gasp, which resulted in me inhaling the spider. I then spent 3 minutes choking on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 227

You deserved it 3 263

By Anonymous - 10/01/2010 02:20 - United States

Today, while arguing with my boyfriend about how I wasn't a bad driver and could parallel park, I decided it was easier to just let him do it. Unfortunately, while getting out of the car to switch seats, I forgot to take the car out of drive and it ran into the car in front of us. He was right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 296

You deserved it 31 790

By Anonymous - 23/01/2018 15:00

Today, my husband has had a low sex drive for a while now. I've been trying all sorts of things to pique his desire. Turns out that a conversation about Neil deGrasse Tyson was all I ever needed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 498

You deserved it 542

Uninvolved

By Anonymous - 18/09/2020 05:06

Today, I woke up to the only home I've ever known in 32 years being burned to ash by a wildfire with everything we own inside, barely getting me and my dogs out alive. My boyfriend of 3 years promised me we would work through this together, no matter what it took, only to completely ghost me a few hours later. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 422

You deserved it 72

By triple l - 15/10/2012 08:33 - United States

Today, the police searched my house because my neighbors thought we were aiming a gun with laser sight at them. We were only getting our daft dog to chase a laser light around; we don't even own any guns. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 730

You deserved it 2 699

By Andrew7847 - 11/01/2012 17:02 - United States

Today, I finally managed to get through to the radio station that I always listen to. I handed the phone to my dad so he could win the prize for me, because I'm under 18. He hung up because he thought it was a prank call. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 243

You deserved it 4 579

Caught red-handed

By Anonymous - 30/11/2020 20:04

Today, my girlfriend and I got busted by the cops having sex in a dark parking lot near the beach. As if that wasn't bad enough, as I was trying to talk my way out of a ticket, one of the cops peeks into the car window and I hear my girlfriend awkwardly giggle and say, "Hi daddy." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 589

You deserved it 648

By Anonymous - 01/12/2012 17:01 - United States - Portland

Today, my husband discovered poking me in my belly button makes me have to pee, sometimes it's uncontrollable and happens immediately. He thinks it's hilarious and decided it's his new favorite game. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 301

You deserved it 3 091

By SaraSkyWolf - 17/10/2018 22:00

Today, we didn't have much to do at work, so I struck up a conversation with a coworker I have a crush on - a girl with one arm. I wanted to tell her I thought she was pretty, but I ended up saying I thought she looked like a pirate queen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 772

You deserved it 1 258

By not even - 21/07/2016 11:20 - United States - Troy

Today, my pregnant wife suggested we have fun tonight since we haven't had sex in 3 months. She also said we'll be having waffles and sausage. I'm actually more excited about the food than the sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 592

You deserved it 2 723

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

skip_m 6

Send a private message

Tuesday 2 April 2013 9:32

And a crime fighter.

xautumnwillsx 15

Send a private message

Tuesday 2 April 2013 9:34

There's nothing wrong with that.

skip_m 6

Send a private message

Tuesday 2 April 2013 9:32

And a crime fighter.

TwitchingNebula 17

Send a private message

Tuesday 2 April 2013 10:29

I didn't hear a no in there...

xSunnyOlivia 17

Send a private message

Tuesday 2 April 2013 11:59

A crime fighting lesbian.

Druu 53

Send a private message

Tuesday 2 April 2013 9:33

Karate chop her homophobic ass!

AKGirlinSD 20

Send a private message

Tuesday 2 April 2013 9:39

What does being a lesbian have anything to do with making it to a blue belt? Enjoy the progress you've made and ignore your grandma, OP.

AKGirlinSD 20

Send a private message

Tuesday 2 April 2013 9:56

I meant aunt*

perdix 29

Send a private message

Tuesday 2 April 2013 10:12

#2, you're not supposed to use your karate skills to fight name-calling, only real physical attacks. You could lose your mojo in the dojo.

zandalee 19

Send a private message

Tuesday 2 April 2013 12:06

Don't loose you mojo at the dojo! She's just a mofo... ;)

perdix 29

Send a private message

Tuesday 2 April 2013 15:14

#52, damn, I thought I made that up!

keepcalmandbacon 16

Send a private message

Tuesday 2 April 2013 21:51

I wouldn't say that her aunt is homophobic, just because she associates short hair and self defense with being a lesbian. I'd say she just stereotypes people.

xautumnwillsx 15

Send a private message

Tuesday 2 April 2013 9:34

There's nothing wrong with that.

nnnope 26

Send a private message

Tuesday 2 April 2013 9:36

I love how physical features are constantly attribute to sexuality, and then people act like that'd be a bad thing even if it was true. Who gives a shit if you "end up a lesbian?" I doubt your hair & passion for martial arts would have anything to do with it.

Kalipczo 21

Send a private message

Tuesday 2 April 2013 9:40

Older generations are a lot more conservative than our very liberal generation. Try not to take it to heart OP. Back in her day girls were supposed to have long hair and not know a thing about fighting. Congrats on learning self defense I bet your hair looks awesome.

Chucklikesbacon 12

Send a private message

Tuesday 2 April 2013 9:49

Couldn't have said it better!

Ins0mau 20

Send a private message

Tuesday 2 April 2013 9:58

Very liberal generation? In the U.S?

Brandonep 13

Send a private message

Wednesday 3 April 2013 7:02

Not quite sure how learning self defense is liberal. Though if anything it would be the other way around. Didn't you see those rape tips that some liberal college posted? Instead of fighting back you should vomit or urinate... WTF? (NOTE: I realize that the people who wrote those tips are more extreme, I'm not trying to paint all liberals as being this way) But regardless I don't view karate as being a partisan sport, I don't see why you drug ideology into it.

PenguinBitch 43

Send a private message

Tuesday 2 April 2013 9:44

Didn't you know? Aunt L. is a karate master. She sees that you're ready physically but are you ready mentally? It's a test and as long as you ignored and kept a steady posture against her insults, you'll pass. *bows head*

zandalee 19

Send a private message

Tuesday 2 April 2013 12:07

..."That will do pig."

Begiz 12

Send a private message

Tuesday 2 April 2013 9:44

Well, your last statement kinda proves it doesn't it? ;)

Luxord33 8

Send a private message

Tuesday 2 April 2013 9:46

Lol what??

perdix 29

Send a private message

Tuesday 2 April 2013 9:45

Get her in a Scissors Lock and tell her you won't let go until she takes it back. However, after scissoring your aunt for a while, you may prove her to be correct!