Today, a mother and son were in my office. The kid wasn't feeling... - FML

By Andy - 16/12/2009 20:43 - United States

Today, a mother and son were in my office. The kid wasn't feeling well and threw up. Mom covered his mouth with her hand, creating a vomit nozzle and covering me in puke. She yelled that I deserved to be sprayed on because I was not quick enough in getting a bucket for her son. FML

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Great boyfriend

Long story short

Peaky Bladders

By loling - 25/2/2010 09:37 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out a guy I had a thing with a while back thinks I am obsessed with him. This is because when he said that we should be friends, I stupidly thought he was being sincere and bothered to call him all of three times in the last five months. Clearly a sign of obsession. FML

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By The_Life - 12/10/2016 13:26 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I'm staying at my boyfriend's house and things were getting heated when he got a call from one of his mates wanting to play Counter Strike. Next thing I know, I'm laying in bed by myself listening to him rage. FML

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By Lovestupid - 3/11/2009 09:25 - Australia

Today, I woke up extremely hungover next to a guy I have been in love with for a while but hadn't seen for ages. Turns out he had a bet going with his mates. He bet he could get me to sleep with him straight away even after not calling me for a month. He was right. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/9/2011 05:53 - United States

Today, I received a rejection letter from a college that I'd applied to 6 years ago. FML

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By Umlungu23 - 18/2/2019 00:00

Today, during my lunch break, I sat on the manager's chair. As I sat down, I heard a snapping sound and I ended up on the floor. Everyone now calls me "the lumpy girl" who broke the manager's chair. FML

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By ohemgee23 - 19/2/2010 05:31 - United States

Today, my little sister walked in on me and my boyfriend. I told her I would give her 10$ if she just pretended it never happened. She agreed, walked out and shut the door. Later, when my parents arrived, she yells: "Nicole and Joe were naked upstairs!" FML

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By see you next cunt - 18/3/2014 19:44 - United States

Today, about 10 minutes into my first jog in months, someone in a car started following me, yelling stuff like "Oh my god, it's Shamu!" and "Run faster, fatty!" I ended up breaking down in tears before he finally sped off, roaring with laughter. FML

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By dicedicebaby - 23/3/2015 00:20 - United States - Columbus

Today, I had my 18th birthday party. At midnight, three police officers showed up at my door and asked if they could look around. Were we doing anything bad? Nope. My friends suck at parking. Before they left, the officers said that this was the most toned down party they'd seen in years. FML

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By smbcolorado - 4/2/2011 22:43 - United States

Today, my husband sent an email invite to his family about our daughter's upcoming birthday. Upon reading the email, his aunt clicked "reply all" while emailing her husband and said, "I'd rather say we're out of town than see that dumb bitch our nephew calls his wife." FML

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By retainer - 22/7/2009 22:36 - United States

Today, at the dentist, the new, rather airy assistant went to prep me for an extraction. She began pulling on something in my mouth, and a moment later, I felt intense pain and then the wetness of blood. She was trying to pull out "that weird wire thing". In other words, my permanent retainer. FML

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By Chriso - 17/11/2009 11:48 - Australia

Today, I was finally discharged from hospital after being in there for one month, I arrive home to find a letter from a debt collection agency for my unpaid car insurance premium, and another letter from my car insurer to say that they aren't covering my accident due to non payment of premium. FML

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By dmlk - 10/12/2008 11:09 - France

Today, and for the third time this week, my bank manager called me to tell me that my account is still overdrawn. He doesn't seem to understand that my wages always get paid at the end of the month. FML

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By BadassNinja - 5/9/2009 16:22 - United States

Today, I tried to impress my girlfriend by punching through a piece of old drywall karate kid-style. As it turns out, the drywall was actually a thin piece of concrete. I now have a busted hand and a girlfriend with a new story to tell all her friends. FML

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By Shawn Bennight - 10/6/2020 08:07

Alexa, play "I Won't Share You" by The Smiths

Today, my wife of 23 years said she wanted a divorce, that she didn't love me anymore and is moving out. Why? I told her I didn't want us to date and have sex with other people. FML

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By Firequeen - 21/11/2016 21:44

Today I visited my boyfriend's house for Thanksgiving. The fast food from the drive made me really need to poop, so I did my business and flipped on the air vent. Turns out the vent sparked a hot spot in the attic and caused a fire. I literally set my boyfriend's house on fire with my shit. FML

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By Meh - 7/5/2019 13:00 - United States - Bothell

Today, I found out that my roommate has a good voice, because he loudly sings Korean love songs at one in the morning. FML

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By 303 - 5/7/2012 20:24 - United States - Houston

Today, I picked up my car from the repair shop, drove two miles, and ran out of gas. I then walked to get gas, put a gallon of gas in the car, and tried to start it. The battery was too weak to start the car, and died on the spot. FML

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By silencio - 24/5/2012 10:44 - Canada - Ch?teauguay

Not a real doctor

Today, my mom watched a Dr. Phil episode. She's now hysterical because she assumes me and my friends are involved in sex parties. All because a man on the TV said so. FML

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By Fattie - 9/7/2009 17:50 - Malaysia

Today, I was working at the gas station. An old lady was watching me fill her gas tank. A really beautiful girl walked by. I lost concentration and overfilled the tank. I quickly pulled it out and squirted the old lady with a bit of petrol. She was smiling and gave a slight moan. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/12/2010 04:53 - United States

Today, while sitting on the bus a stranger sat next to me, farted, put his hand under his butt to smell what it was like, and then sniffed it throughout the whole ride while glancing at me. FML

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By ACAB - 16/9/2019 20:00 - Australia

Officer McGiggles

Today, I got pulled over for speeding. After the cop asked for my license, he started laughing when he saw my picture. FML

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By yblamemebiatch - 16/3/2016 10:56 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I found out a colleague spread lies about me because she somehow thinks I'm to blame for the hot guy at work not wanting to date her. Perhaps she should blame his fiancé. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/12/2017 15:00

Today, after 4 years of college to get a BA in Marketing and 2 years to get an MBA, I landed a great job as a receptionist. My boss likes to fist bump when I buzz him through the security door correctly. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/6/2010 04:41 - United States

Today, I wanted to impress my girlfriend with a cool fire breathing trick I learned online, and ended up burning half her room. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/1/2012 05:01 - United States

Today, I spent five hours sobbing in my room due to anti-depressant withdrawal. My mother refused to come and talk to me, because I'm "a terrible, hateful child who only cares about herself." Last week I spent two hours comforting her because my brother hadn't called in a week. FML

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By justkillm3 - 13/5/2010 04:07 - United States

Today, I came home after ten hours at work to find my unemployed wife and 4 kids sprawled out watching TV waiting for me to get home and cook for them. I had to wash all the dishes first because they didn't feel like getting up or helping. FML

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By MB - 28/11/2011 06:30 - United States

Today, I called a friend of mine who was recently in an accident. She told me that the head trauma has caused her to lose all sense of smell and taste. To try and cheer her up, I suggested I take her out to lunch. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2010 19:16 - United States

Today, 50,000 copies of the new edition of the town's phone book came out. I manage a pizza place and bought a full menu ad. Apparently the ad designer got confused, as they placed my cell phone number in huge bold letters at the bottom of the ad instead of the store's phone number. FML

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By Lizzielollipop816 - 18/2/2010 06:38 - United States

Today, I was at McDonald's. I bumped into a guy, and as I was helping him pick up his food, I realized he was cute. I began smiling and I was about to introduce myself, when he began laughing and said ,"It's you! I've heard about you!" He left laughing. I still don't know who he is, or what made him laugh. FML

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By sasquatch21 - 21/2/2010 13:36 - Bahrain

Today, I realized that my husband has a video games addiction. I am currently pregnant; he brought us to the same country he's in so we can finally live together, only for me to witness him being glued to his laptop all day and all night playing WoW. He's forgotten I even existed. FML

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By jaeilssanguh - 26/11/2009 18:49 - United States

Today, I was walking in rain. I had my hands in my pants pockets, so that the front of the jacket was pointing down. Halfway to Taco Bell, my crotch felt exceptionally wet. I looked down to see a wet spot. The rain on my jacket was channeled to my crotch. FML

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By thebigguy - 12/8/2017 04:30

Today, as it's been a long time since I've been with a woman, I decided to enlist the services of an escort. Upon my arrival, she looked at me and said, "Honey, we are going to need a bottle of whiskey and an extra $100." FML

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By anon - 1/7/2011 19:22 - United States

Today, I ran to my car and zoomed to work to avoid being late. I was in such a hurry, I forgot to close all my windows. When I got back to my car, I found a dead squirrel inside. FML

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By footinmouth - 21/1/2009 23:15 - United States

Today, I was hitting on a girl that was getting ready to walk into the same class as I. We were waiting outside the room, and I told her that I heard the Professor for the course was a total bitch. We walked into the room. I sat down in a desk. She stood behind the podium. FML

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By Farmgirl - 4/10/2017 01:30

Today, during harvest, I got out of my tractor and promptly fell down the stairs, peed my pants, and stepped ankle deep in a mud hole. I sat in wet pants for the next two hours. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/1/2015 18:54 - United Kingdom

Today, desperate for work, I went into a shop and asked the owner if he had any spare jobs to fill. He looked me up and down and sneered "Yes, but not for people like... you." FML

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By Howhardisittoclosethefuckingdooryouidiot - 5/1/2018 09:00 - United States

Today, I discovered that my obese 57-year-old mother’s flat-out refusal to close the door when she uses the bathroom doesn’t change even when I have friends over. FML

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By hooligyn123 - 4/9/2012 08:53 - United States

Today, I'm quite ill. My new step-mother believes that the genetic wheat allergy I got from my mother would have gone away since she's now married to my father instead. Looks like dad picked a winner. FML

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By killjoyx - 23/7/2015 18:28 - United States - Suffolk

Today, when I woke up, my dog excitedly came up to me and licked my face. A few minutes later, I find out he had thrown up twice before he licked my face. FML

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By bibi - 19/3/2012 23:43 - Slovenia - Ljubljana

Today, I went to see a dinosaur exhibition with my mum. We walked around and saw a huge dinosaur, made of plastic and rubber. She was very disappointed, saying that she thought there would be real live dinosaurs for us to see. FML

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Top comments

By AGGoddess | 2

#723036 - Wednesday 16 December 2009 23:38

What a bitch. If he wasn't feeling well, she should have re-scheduled the appointment or hired a babysitter and left the kid at home.

By Rellich | 0

#723143 - Thursday 17 December 2009 0:44

SOCCERMOMS ARE WHY THE WORLD SUCKS

COMMENTS

By AGGoddess | 2

#723036 - Wednesday 16 December 2009 23:38

What a bitch. If he wasn't feeling well, she should have re-scheduled the appointment or hired a babysitter and left the kid at home.

Reply

borabora1991 | 0

#723716 - Thursday 17 December 2009 8:39

I threw up once.

Reply

rwac07 | 0

#970882 - Tuesday 30 March 2010 5:02

piss on the mum and say "you deserved it because you didn't get me a toilet in time" lol

Reply

flakes_fml | 0

#973040 - Friday 2 April 2010 15:39

ydi for not frying a bucket quick enough

Reply

safirestar09 | 0

#1013401 - Monday 31 May 2010 5:54

#68, that made my day.

Reply

MizzErikaHart | 8

#2666269 - Sunday 12 June 2011 18:06

haha kids mom thinks ydi.

Reply

vickiejiang1990 | 0

#2931595 - Tuesday 19 July 2011 18:42

karma will get ppl with no sympathy like yourself

Reply

gms0113 | 8

#6534294 - Thursday 11 February 2016 13:44

I'm guessing it's for the kids
dr appointment bc he's sick

By thatguy1103 | 0

#723040 - Wednesday 16 December 2009 23:41

Wow,, hopefully you keep a hand gun in your office?

Reply

xxdakotaxx | 0

#723538 - Thursday 17 December 2009 5:08

ahah xD

By arabianhorse1234 | 0

#723046 - Wednesday 16 December 2009 23:44

nobody cares

By Brockbfball1563 | 5

#723047 - Wednesday 16 December 2009 23:44

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CEmSDQR_7vU

By Treehugger | 0

#723065 - Thursday 17 December 2009 0:00

I'm going to be nice and say that the mom was having a bad day...I'm hoping. But FYL for having vomit spewed on you. Did you get to change clothes at least?

By aicky | 0

#723067 - Wednesday 16 December 2009 23:58

well, duh, you know you should have buckets handy for when people bring in their upchucking chitlens! im sure it was your fault the kid in the first place, huh? :p fyl.

Reply

Rayn4u_fml | 0

#723901 - Thursday 17 December 2009 11:34

OP already answered that question: it creates a nozzle to direct the spraying on others.

By Oz_Alice | 0

#723081 - Thursday 17 December 2009 0:08

What kind of office do you work in?
I'm guessing it's not a place where they keep buckets in case people start throwing up...

By lubby_fml | 0

#723092 - Thursday 17 December 2009 0:15

oh my!

It seems like mercy has some sand in her vagina. lol

By niadanac1 | 3

#723099 - Thursday 17 December 2009 0:18

I would have puked on her. What a B.

By FerrariCake | 2

#723119 - Thursday 17 December 2009 0:27

I'd puke all the time if I was a little kid who had a crazy bitch like that for a mother.