Work: Today, a mother and son were in my office. The kid wasn't feeling... - FML

By Andy - United States

Today, a mother and son were in my office. The kid wasn't feeling well and threw up. Mom covered his mouth with her hand, creating a vomit nozzle and covering me in puke. She yelled that I deserved to be sprayed on because I was not quick enough in getting a bucket for her son. FML

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Proactive

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Spooky

By steph - United States

Cropped Out

Today, my cousins cropped me out of a picture of all 6 of us at a wedding, then captioned it, "We have such a good-looking family!" FML

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By Tights2Tight - United States

Today, I was at the local theatre watching "The Nutcracker" ballet with my mother. When the prince made his appearance in his tights my mother leans over to me and says, "Those are some well defined butt cheeks!" loud enough for everyone around us to hear. FML

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By uni life - Australia - Perth

Today, whilst working in a pharmacy, I was given the pleasure of listening to an old lady share the details of what she sticks up her vagina. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Plymouth

Today, my sister offered me a couple doughnuts she bought recently. Thinking she was just being nice, I went ahead and started eating, and was met with the most horrid taste I've ever experienced. Turns out her "recently" was two weeks ago. FML

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By seththing

Today, I locked my keys in my car. I had a spare key in my wallet, that I also left in the car. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned the hard way that if you're going to pour bleach on bugs to kill them, you need to be prepared for them to fly up and try to attack your face. FML

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By green2black - United States

Today, I finally found the girl of my dreams, she's smart, loyal, energetic and adorable. There's one problem. She's a Golden Retreiver. FML

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By trees - United States - Waupaca

Today, I watched one of my neighbor's trees fall into the electrical lines outside my house. This was after he took a chainsaw to the tree. He refuses to cover the damages. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, the girl of my dreams that I've been dating for months called me. Apparently she's been having recurring nightmares of me cheating on her. She dumped me "just in case." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Carrollton

Today, I was very worried about my girlfriend of two years. She has recently moved into her apartment, and I hadn't heard from her for four days. Don't worry, though, she's fine. According to her mother's Facebook, she moved in with her old boyfriend. FML

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By Delilah - Norway

Today, I was at the gym with my boyfriend. He is a bit feminine, but it has never really bothered me. Until I realised I was lifting heavier weights than he was. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Middleboro

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me by handing me a ring and saying "Let's get this dumb shit over and done with." FML

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By ehwat - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend that since I lost my job I can't afford a Christmas present for him, or anyone. He said trying anal would be fine. FML

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By Mark - United States - Knoxville

Today, I asked out a coworker I really like. She gave me a weird look and said, "You're not gay?" I said no, to which she said, "Well, I am". As it turns out, I was the only one who thought she was straight, and the only one who thought I was straight. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Marysville

Today, my little sister asked me to open a jar of pickles for her. I struggled a little until the lid busted open, and pickle juice poured over my pocket and the iPhone inside. My sister then sniffed the jar, made a disgusted face, and ran out. FML

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By fmfl - United States

Today, I found a gift card under my bed that I lost a few months ago for $400 to a store that went out of business last week. FML

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By kaydebug

Today, while doing self-checkout at Walmart, the cap of my laundry detergent came off as I scanned it and dumped all over me. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/2/2021 00:30

Not a biology major

Today, after we had sex for the first time, my boyfriend shouted, “Huzzah! My genes will live on!” We used a condom. FML

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By crayons128 - United States

Today, I was at a fire roasting marshmallows. When mine caught on fire, I pulled it back so I could blow out the flames. It flew off the stick, and, still flaming, landed on my face. FML

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By Shouldn'taWornaThong - United States - Tempe

Shouldn't have worn a thong...

Today, while shopping at my local grocery store, a young boy came up behind me and pulled my pants down while snickering. I was so shocked and horrified that I dropped the f-bomb. His mother yelled at me for "ruining his innocence". FML

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By Drew - United States

Today, I discovered that my mom is having an affair... with her cousin. FML

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By DramaticSigh - United States

Today, at work, a customer came in. Since I was behind the counter, I asked if she needed help with anything. I've worked there for five years, and I didn't recognize my own boss. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/11/2020 08:03

Planned assault

Today, my boyfriend thought it would be wise to joke that we needed to postpone our reunion for another week. We haven't seen each other for almost 4 months, due to events out of our control. He thinks he's funny. He'll get punched when we do see each other again. FML

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By abigiggles

Today, a spider came down from its web in front of my face. This would have been fine and I could have killed it easily if I wasn't in my car. Driving on the highway. I cried. FML

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By ilovebigmacs - United States - San Francisco

Today, I spotted an elderly man trying to use the ladder at work. Knowing customers aren't supposed to use these, I went over and helped. Not only did I fall from the ladder, but I landed on the old man's foot, breaking my elbow and fracturing his toe. FML

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By iammike - United States

Today, I saw two cute girls walking my way as I was parking my car. Trying to impress them, I got out and attempted to coolly walk to the sidewalk. I tripped on the curb, scraped both my knees, and was laughed at all the way until I got back inside my car. FML

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By bluntedone - United States

Today, I spent $400 at the stripclub and got 4 phone numbers. I as walked out of the club, I noticed it was trans-night. FML

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By Trapped. - United States - Birmingham

Today, I had planned to break up with my overbearing girlfriend. She went into complete denial mode, bought me a pair of oversized sunglasses and tomorrow we're going ice-skating. Kill me now. FML

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By Kaz - United States

Today, I snuck out to see my girlfriend in the middle of the night. When I got to her house, I decided to throw a rock at her window to wake her up. It broke a hole in the window. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, things were getting heated with my boyfriend and I told him that I was finally ready to lose my virginity. Clearly he couldn't wait to get started because he fell asleep. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/5/2020 17:00

He'll understand when he's older

Today, I was reading one of the numerous Thomas the Tank Engine books to my 3-year-old, train obsessed, nanny kid. They needed tinder to relight Thomas's firebox. I laughed when reading this and told him, "I have Tinder too!" He's convinced I'm a train. FML

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By Wickls - United Kingdom

Today, I bought "Angus, thongs and perfect snogging" on DVD. FML

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By FellingShitty - United States

Today, I realized I'm missing my diamond earrings. After ripping apart the vacuum bag and exhausting all other options I'm pretty sure my new cat ate them. I'm going to go sift through several days worth of cat shit now. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/3/2021 02:00

Free healthcare for all

Today, I learned that my MS medication is going to cost 25k a month. My insurance won't cover a cent. I don't even make that much in a year. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Sydney

Today, I woke up to a disappointed boyfriend. He told me he spent an hour last night farting on my pillow to see if I would wake up with pink-eye. He's 23 years old. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

TMI

Today, I learned that my girlfriend gives good head. I didn't find out by getting one, I found out by my drunk best friend telling me. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I went in for my 2nd day working at my internship. My bosses greeted me and told me we were going to have a meeting. The meeting was to listen to the drunk voicemails I left them on Saturday. FML

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By ufhdafuhds - Egypt

Today, I decided to have sex for the first time with my boyfriend. It was his first time too. While in bed, he blankly stopped and stood up and got out a piece of paper from his pockets. Turns out, he had written instructions on what to do while in bed, and forgot what he had to do next. FML

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By catlover - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I went Christmas shopping for my cat. I still haven't bought presents for my family, yet my cat already has several small gifts under the tree and an outfit to wear around the house. I really need a new hobby. FML

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By DoseyGit

Today, while brushing my teeth I noticed a hair in the sink. Running the scenario over in my mind, I was going to simultaneously spit into the sink and throw the hair on the floor. Creating a big ball of phlegm, I threw the hair back into the sink and launched a huge mouthful onto the floor. FML

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Top comments

By AGGoddess | 2

#723036 - Wednesday 16 December 2009 23:38

What a bitch. If he wasn't feeling well, she should have re-scheduled the appointment or hired a babysitter and left the kid at home.

By Rellich | 0

#723143 - Thursday 17 December 2009 0:44

SOCCERMOMS ARE WHY THE WORLD SUCKS

COMMENTS

By AGGoddess | 2

#723036 - Wednesday 16 December 2009 23:38

What a bitch. If he wasn't feeling well, she should have re-scheduled the appointment or hired a babysitter and left the kid at home.

Reply

borabora1991 | 0

#723716 - Thursday 17 December 2009 8:39

I threw up once.

Reply

rwac07 | 0

#970882 - Tuesday 30 March 2010 5:02

piss on the mum and say "you deserved it because you didn't get me a toilet in time" lol

Reply

flakes_fml | 0

#973040 - Friday 2 April 2010 15:39

ydi for not frying a bucket quick enough

Reply

safirestar09 | 0

#1013401 - Monday 31 May 2010 5:54

#68, that made my day.

Reply

MizzErikaHart | 8

#2666269 - Sunday 12 June 2011 18:06

haha kids mom thinks ydi.

Reply

vickiejiang1990 | 0

#2931595 - Tuesday 19 July 2011 18:42

karma will get ppl with no sympathy like yourself

Reply

gms0113 | 8

#6534294 - Thursday 11 February 2016 13:44

I'm guessing it's for the kids
dr appointment bc he's sick

By thatguy1103 | 0

#723040 - Wednesday 16 December 2009 23:41

Wow,, hopefully you keep a hand gun in your office?

Reply

xxdakotaxx | 0

#723538 - Thursday 17 December 2009 5:08

ahah xD

By arabianhorse1234 | 0

#723046 - Wednesday 16 December 2009 23:44

nobody cares

By Brockbfball1563 | 5

#723047 - Wednesday 16 December 2009 23:44

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CEmSDQR_7vU

By Treehugger | 0

#723065 - Thursday 17 December 2009 0:00

I'm going to be nice and say that the mom was having a bad day...I'm hoping. But FYL for having vomit spewed on you. Did you get to change clothes at least?

By aicky | 0

#723067 - Wednesday 16 December 2009 23:58

well, duh, you know you should have buckets handy for when people bring in their upchucking chitlens! im sure it was your fault the kid in the first place, huh? :p fyl.

Reply

Rayn4u_fml | 0

#723901 - Thursday 17 December 2009 11:34

OP already answered that question: it creates a nozzle to direct the spraying on others.

By Oz_Alice | 0

#723081 - Thursday 17 December 2009 0:08

What kind of office do you work in?
I'm guessing it's not a place where they keep buckets in case people start throwing up...

By lubby_fml | 0

#723092 - Thursday 17 December 2009 0:15

oh my!

It seems like mercy has some sand in her vagina. lol

By niadanac1 | 3

#723099 - Thursday 17 December 2009 0:18

I would have puked on her. What a B.

By FerrariCake | 2

#723119 - Thursday 17 December 2009 0:27

I'd puke all the time if I was a little kid who had a crazy bitch like that for a mother.