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Patronizing

By wipeoffincircles - 27/05/2017 12:00 - United States - Gresham

Today, at work, my manager thought I needed to be showed how to use Windex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 522

You deserved it 505

Spooking cats

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2019 but it's good stuff

Today, my cat got his head stuck in the handle of a plastic bag while snooping. Unfortunately, it was the bag I use to put his turds in after scooping them from the litter tray. With the bag trapped around his neck, he got spooked, then ran around the house, spreading turds from the bag as he fled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 147

You deserved it 573

By Anonymous - 10/07/2019 04:09

Spicy

Today, I wanted to be on top during sex, after always being on the bottom. Afterwards, he said, "You're never riding me like that again." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 106

You deserved it 371

Noise annoys

By Typicalwhitechick - This FML is from back in 2017 but it's good stuff

Today, I finally have a day to go to the library and read for hours. Today is also a playday event for toddlers. In the library. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 374

You deserved it 641

By ellisp1 - 04/07/2017 22:10

Today, my family was going to go out on a boat to celebrate Independence Day. We agreed we'd be at the marina by 11:45 AM. It's currently 1:45 PM and half of the family is still asleep while two are nursing hangovers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 219

You deserved it 498

Mood ruiner

By Skittles - 13/08/2017 20:00

Spicy

Today, while my husband and I were having sex, we were trying this strawberry flavored lube which had a very strong candy smell. My husband starts laughing mid-performance, looks me in the eye, and exclaims "F*CK THE RAINBOW, TASTE THE RAINBOW!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 872

You deserved it 1 315

The deal

By Anonymous - 25/09/2023 10:00

Today, after a day of anxiety and worry that something bad would happen, I decided to keep my two daughters home from being flower girls at my sister's wedding. Now my sister and entire family is blowing up my phone. Apparently her wedding is my important than a mother worried about her babies. FML

I agree, your life sucks 142

You deserved it 2 497

By Anonymous - 22/09/2017 23:15 - Croatia - Zagreb

Today, I decided to eat healthier. I started with making 2 eggs and burning down whole kitchen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 338

You deserved it 835

Telenovela FML

By Anonymous - 22/05/2021 04:02

Spicy

Today, my sister announced she’s pregnant with my husband’s baby. The worst part? It was a plot for revenge against me. She lied about being on birth control to baby trap him. The crime? Me beating her at our high school beauty pageant. Ten years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 444

You deserved it 213

Yeet it

By Sasquatch - 02/11/2017 22:14

Today, while showering, I noticed a spider drowning in the bath. Spiders gross me out but I felt a moral duty to save it. Reluctantly, I scooped it up and carried it to safety. Then I realised it was my housemate's pubes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 814

You deserved it 1 284

Birthday Boy

By Anonymous - 18/10/2019 02:00

Today, it's my 16th birthday. It's also it is the day my parents scheduled my wisdom teeth to be pulled out. Happy birthday to me, then. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 578

You deserved it 190

Look-alikes

By Anonymous - 24/10/2019 12:00

Today, the guy I really like told me that I look exactly like Kathy Bates. I'm only 30. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 384

You deserved it 217

It's lit.

By Amy - 13/01/2018 01:30 - Hong Kong

Today, I went to a corporate event and lit my hair on fire in front of everyone due to an unfortunately-placed candle on the bar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 291

You deserved it 520

The eye of the beholder

By Alexea Luton - 11/11/2019 01:00

Today, my boyfriend compared me to an unattractive actress. When I said it was sort of messed up to say that to me since she's not pretty, he said, "She's not as bad as you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 050

You deserved it 341

Talk tonight

By Anonymous - 22/09/2022 15:30 - South Africa - Bryanston

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the second time. He's really nice, but he's terrible in bed. He busted a nut 3 times before I could orgasm once, and he can't finger to make up for it. His foreplay is trash. I'm starting to lose feelings for him because of the lack of sexual satisfaction. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 056

You deserved it 896

Kids are assholes

By ohnomommy - 03/03/2020 06:01

Today, I was in line at a gas station with my 3-year-old daughter. A "little person" was in line in front of us, buying a pack of cigarettes. My daughter yelled, "No little boy! Only grown ups can smoke." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 917

You deserved it 225

By zaktor - 08/04/2018 15:00

Today, at my fundraising job, I got my biggest donation ever: $500. I accidentally added a zero and charged the donor $5000. What I actually got? An angry phone call and a lecture from my boss. What I didn't get? A donation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 240

You deserved it 3 657

How deep is it?

By Anonymous - 22/12/2019 01:00

Today, my husband rolled over in his sleep, cuddled up to me, and lovingly whispered “I love you Pizza Hut...” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 917

You deserved it 284

By Anonymous - 12/06/2018 15:00 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, for the 2nd time in a month, I've been rear-ended at a stop light. One insurance company refuses to pay because of prior damage from the 1st accident, and the other won't pay because of new damage not caused by their client. I just want my car back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 726

You deserved it 207

Get well soon

By Taurus_ChicKa - 13/05/2020 23:00

Today, it's my birthday. The day started with the cat waking me up at 4 a.m., going to work since I'm considered essential, then falling down the stairs while at work. I'm now limping with a bruised/swollen foot, I can't celebrate with my family because of COVID-19, and I just started my period. Happy birthday to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 039

You deserved it 195

Taurus_ChicKa tells us more.

Taurus_ChicKa 36

Sunday 17 May 2020 19:47

Oh wow, this got posted! Awesome! Thank you so much, everyone. I am better now, and am so ready for this pandemic to end. My foot was black and blue for a few days, all the way to my toes, but fortunately no broken bones. I'm walking normal again and my bosses are insisting on paying the medical bills (even though it was my own clumsy fault). :)

Assholes, assholes everywhere

By badmombadkids - 24/05/2020 02:00

Today, my nephews decided to play with and break the antique hourglass I bought for my mom. It took months to find and cost nearly $500. When I told my sister, she refused to repay me and responded with, "What do you expect, they’re just little boys!" Her "little boys" are 12 and 14. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 586

You deserved it 199

Great

By Jordan - 10/08/2018 22:00 - United States - Boulder

Spicy

Today, I met the guy who will be my dorm roommate for the fall semester. One of the first things he said was, "By the way, I'm into self-massage, so don't get weirded out if you hear noises coming from my room a lot." Great. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 037

You deserved it 198

Get a vasectomy, dude

By grace - 05/10/2021 02:00

Today, my boyfriend told me he hoped I don’t get pregnant because he’d hate to have to dump me to escape fatherhood. Thinking he was making an insensitive joke about my single pregnant sister, I asked how many women he dumped for falling pregnant. He looked me dead in the eye and said, "Four." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 297

You deserved it 244

By Anonymous - 25/09/2018 12:00

Today, a guy asked for hot fries at the drive thru. After receiving the fries, he threw them at the drive thru window, complained that they were too hot, and asked for the manager for burning his mouth. I am the manager. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 070

You deserved it 157

Alexa, play "I don't want to talk about it" by Rod Stewart

By Anonymous - 18/08/2020 20:08

Today, my man believes he could never be the cause of a breakup. His strategy for eternal love? Try not to feel anything, and if you do, do NOT show it or talk about it. Just completely refuse to engage with your partner in any meaningful way. No fighting equals happiness. Right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 427

You deserved it 254

What did I do?

By mislabeled - 27/08/2020 20:05

Today, two friends of almost ten years told my husband they had concerns about our marriage, and basically said they can no longer be friends with me. My husband and I never fight, and have other people tell us they are jealous of our relationship. The worst part is they still want to be friends with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 016

You deserved it 215

By whosurdaddy - 06/01/2017 06:44

Today, I'm attending a party where drunken women just can't seem to keep their clothes on. Those drunken women are my daughters. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 110

You deserved it 1 456

Phone holder

By my arms hurt - 25/11/2019 20:00 - United States - San Diego

Today, I had to sit in between two boys on a two-hour bus ride. They were watching a movie and each of them had shared an earphone. They made me hold the phone up so both of them could see the screen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 209

You deserved it 1 898

By peevedMcGee - 23/11/2018 17:30

Today, my cat pooped on the floor. After cleaning it up, I’m fairly certain it was not my cat but instead my roommate, who I also suspect is pooping in the litter box. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 953

You deserved it 226

Overly emotional

By hhhhhhhh - 31/03/2023 00:00

Today, my date received food she didn’t order, and instead of eating it without complaint, she sent it back. When I got up to leave, she began to cry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 170

You deserved it 2 243

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The Top

The Top

Today, I got a text from a guy I hooked up with. I'm not really interested in him, so I rushed out of his house last night. He was letting me know I left my wallet at his house, and if I want it, I'll have to let him take me to dinner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 342

You deserved it 37 416

Today, I went to the DMV for my second attempt to get my license. I did everything perfectly, stayed at the speed limit, did my three-point turn flawlessly, and parked nicely. The lady failed me because I wasn't using the stick shift right. My car doesn't have a stick shift. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 390

You deserved it 2 980

Today, I went with my boyfriend to the OC Fair. He was taking a picture of me in front of a giant mechanical butterfly at the insect exhibit. Playfully, he told me to pretend to be a butterfly, so I quickly lifted my arms, just in time to slap a 7 year-old girl in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 777

You deserved it 6 041

Today, I started playing footsie with the girl I like next to me in Biology. Turns out it was the table leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 591

You deserved it 1 988

Today, I had a group project on Zoom with some classmates I'm not so familiar with. When we were done and said our goodbyes, I said, "Bye bye, I love you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 658

You deserved it 359

Today, I was finishing up at the gym and packed my bag to come home. I set my phone on top of it for a second as I knelt down to tie my shoes. Less than a minute later, I grabbed my bag to walk out, forgetting that it was on top. It tumbled to the ground and smashed. Guess I need a new phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 220

You deserved it 369