Today, I had a dream where I was imagining myself hooking up...

By BigDreamer

Today, I had a dream where I was imagining myself hooking up with a really hot girl. Not a sex dream. A dream where I was sitting in a room alone and imagining myself hooking up with this really hot girl. Even in my dreams I can only imagine. FML

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Walk on the wild side

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Kids

By Mr. Headshot

Today, I celebrated my birthday with a few friends at home. As I bent down over my cake, my friend pushed my face into it. The baker should have told me she put in a stick to support the cake. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Seattle

Today, I was meeting my boyfriend's family for the first time. The minute I stepped in the door his mother hit me in the face and kicked me out because I was "the slut her husband cheated on her with." My older sister and I look much alike. Too much alike. FML

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68670

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By Need Clothes Now - United States - Pendleton

Today, I flew across country to college. My luggage did not. FML

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39622

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By Banana_Lord - United Kingdom - Arbroath

Today, I rode my new bike for the first time. I made it less than 100 feet from my driveway before I was almost flattened by someone driving on the wrong side of the road. Upside: I managed to get out of the way. Downside: I did it by slamming my brand new, expensive bike into a wall. FML

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24360

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By Anonymous

Today, it's my birthday, I received two cards, one from my mum and one from my son, that my mum gave to him to give to me. My entire family said they couldn't be bothered going out for dinner for my birthday. My two 'friends' didn't even send a card, never mind a gift or want to meet up. FML

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2029

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212

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By Oh dear... - United States

Today, I told my college friend that I considered her to be my best friend. She responded, "I don't think you should call me that." FML

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40211

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By rosie - 8/3/2021 13:59

Communication Breakdown

Today, I was unable to communicate with a customer who only spoke French. As a result, my boss called me a "monolingual idiot." I speak Spanish, German, and Japanese. FML

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1008

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By Kerkie - United States - North Kingstown

Today, my 12-year-old stepchild told me he’s been deliberately wetting - and sometimes crapping - the bed because he’s too lazy to get up and knows it’s someone else’s problem to clean up after him. It’s been going on for years. FML

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4494

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800

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By Chimychunga - United States

Today, while helping my dad look for his watch, I found his porn collection. FML

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34179

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By Anonymous - 15/12/2020 20:01

Reverse Uno

Today, while trying to be sexy for my fiancé by going to change his background photo to a naughty pic of myself, I found out he's been actively cheating on me. For almost a year, with multiple women. When confronted, he tried telling how hard me finding out was for HIM. FML

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1303

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By not ashamed! - 5/9/2020 07:57 - United States

Double standards

Today, I was told how irresponsible, dangerous and shameful it is to date as a single mom. Apparently, my one and only focus should be my children. I’ve had one boyfriend in the past two years. Meanwhile, my ex-husband has a new flavor of the month around our kids whenever he sees fit. FML

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1702

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159

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By dangerousknitter - United States

Today, in the middle of an exam, I was escorted out by the campus police due to suspicion of a concealed weapon. The officers couldn't stop laughing for 20 minutes when they found out the weapon was metal knitting needles. FML

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36212

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By YOURMOM - United States

Today, I was at the park feeding nuts to some squirrels. One fell down my shirt and the next thing I know I'm being attacked by a squirrel that looked like it was on steroids. FML

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29958

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By ADanceWithDavos - United Kingdom

Freaked out

Today, I woke up to an old lady right outside my open window, saying "Hello in there! Are you sleepy?" I was so startled that I answered her. She screamed. Turns out she's my neighbour's elderly mother, didn't know I was in there, and was talking to my cat. FML

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46874

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By Ondskansgris - Sweden

Today, I turned 22, without anyone wishing me a happy birthday. In fact, the only phone call I received all day was from my brother. He wanted to borrow money. FML

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134933

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By mysea8679 - United Kingdom - Newcastle Upon Tyne

Today, whilst trying on wedding dresses with my mom, she told me that I looked fat and awful in the dress I liked. When I told her how hurtful she was being, she told me that I should be grateful that she told me what she thought instead of laughing at me behind my back. FML

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48362

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By Chin... uh.... - United States - Phoenix

Today, I've learned two things. One, my Chinese cousins don't know much about the USA, and two, they now believe it's proper manners to shout, "FREEEEDOM" before ending a call with me. FML

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12721

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By fuckmeitsgettingworse - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, my pregnant wife's parents called me at work, saying she'd been crying inconsolably and wouldn't say what was wrong. After pleading with my boss, I rushed home. Turns out there was an "ugly" sofa in a TV ad and she felt it was "picking on ugly sofas". FML

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49371

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By fyourlife - United States

Today, while working as a cashier, I was flirting with this cute girl. When I asked her if she had her store card she said "No", paused, then said "Can I give you my number?". I said "Sure, that would be awesome, do you want mine?". She said no. I didn't know I could just enter the card number. FML

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12776

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By Anonymous - Netherlands - Drachten

Today, I was yelled at by a customer because I wouldn't give her a new iPhone 5 for free to replace her broken Nokia, which she threw out the window in "blind rage". I felt awful having to thank her for calling. Sadly, this is a daily event. FML

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35653

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By sierra - United States

Today, an attractive guy asked me to get coffee with him. My response was, "I don't drink coffee." I just turned down the first guy that's asked me out in 3 months. FML

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9593

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By lukas - Canada - Lyndhurst

Today, my new neighbor asked if I could keep my dog from yapping during the evenings, because it kept him awake last night. I don't have a dog, but I apologized anyway. I didn't have the heart to admit that those are the sounds my girlfriend makes during sex. FML

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55766

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By Boo

Today, my boyfriend pulled the whole "whoops wrong hole" thing during rough sex. He broke up with me because he got poop on him. FML

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By Me - United States

Today, I got to talk to the guy I like. Thinking it would be about something pleasant. I was completely wrong. It was about the guy who sits in front of me and his masturbation problem. FML

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25548

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By Obee - Canada

Today, cops showed up at my apartment demanding to look inside. Satisfied with the search, they told me they had received a noise complaint. More specifically, hearing screams someone believed a girl was getting raped. I had two friends over and we had been wrestling. The three of us are male. FML

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By Laurendorcus - France

Today, I called out "personal" from work because I had to study for a major test that is taking place tomorrow. An hour later my manager called to fire me for "not taking work seriously", then I got an email that the test is being postponed. FML

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By 1234 - Canada

Classy

Today, it was my wedding day. I had my butt clenched during the ceremony. I was giving my husband the ring, but dropped it. When I went to retrieve it, I let a huge one rip. My husband yelled, "She likes to eat beans." FML

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By Anonymous

Hmmm, nutritious!

Today, I'm in the coronavirus-vulnerable group, so I asked my friend to go shopping for me because I'm in need of food and toilet paper. They came back with a bag of icing sugar, even though food and toilet paper were available in the shop. Forty minutes later, the shelves were stripped bare. FML

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1726

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By Somebody - 19/8/2020 17:01

Thanks for nothing

Today, my mother-in-law came over. Probably thinking that the needles in our fridge were steroids, and wanting to do the right thing, she took them to throw them away. I'm diabetic, and they were my insulin. I went into shock after she left and had to go to the hospital. FML

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2464

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By thanks sis - United States - Reading

Today, my sister asked me to grab her some toilet paper. I refused, so she grabbed my favorite shirt out of the laundry basket and used it to wipe. I was busy icing my sprained ankle. I couldn't walk. She knew this. FML

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27647

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By Anonymous - 14/9/2020 20:01

Reliable

Today, aside from clearing out my bank accounts and having an affair, the kicker was finding out my fiancé planned on taking himself and his mistress to Cancun for his birthday, while I would be attending the Marine Corps boot camp. FML

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1533

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By Anonymous - United States - Altamonte Springs

Today, I finally got my fussy newborn back to sleep after the creaking of my chair woke her. I then crept two rooms over and opened a pack of chips, the crinkle of which woke her again. FML

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11679

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By mallyboo - Canada - Richmond Hill

Today, I discovered that you should always check the litter box before vacuuming stray litter outside of it after my cat burst out from the box mid-piss and skittered around the house still pissing after I put the vacuum hose behind the box. FML

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By Radbaby

Today, nearing the start of what I was hoping to be a relaxing week off, my air conditioning system died. A replacement system will be in the $7000 range, just the amount I'd finally saved for my dream vacation. FML

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3887

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By :| - United States - Saint Petersburg

Today, I heard my neighbors having a violent argument in their front yard. I listened in, and soon found out why the wife wasn't happy with her husband. Apparently, she had caught her husband peeking through my windows for the second time this month. FML

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By DDD - France

Today, I had sex with a guy. As he was sleeping next to me, I checked his facebook messages and saw that he sent a message to one of his buddies asking what kind of lotion helps get rid of crabs. FML

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By Van

Work name

Today, I found out the girl my husband's been calling "Sister" isn't actually his sister, but instead a hooker whose work name is "Sister". FML

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3689

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By Sleeping moody - United States - Hollywood

Today I went to my sleep therapist; I sleep 8 hours a night, but I'm still very tired during the day. I'm divorced, so we decided that I would record myself sleeping to see if I might be snoring. We listened to the tape. Not only was I snoring very loudly, I cry all night in my sleep. FM

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18331

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By MondayonaTuesday

Today, while rushing to a big marketing presentation, I started feeling ill in my car. I was stuck in traffic, and before I could get my window open I threw up all over my suit. All I had were some tissues to try to clean the mess before presenting to a full boardroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3514

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By AnonymousUser - Australia - Brisbane

Today, feeling desperate, I asked my dad for advice on how to get a girl. He asked me why I want to even date. I panicked and said I just wanted to make someone happy. He told me that if I wanted to make someone happy, I should "just start by getting a goddamn vasectomy". FML

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Top comments

By Gofuckyourself | 24

#7766267 - Saturday 9 February 2019 3:09

Inception?

By RichardPencil | 30

#7766273 - Saturday 9 February 2019 3:35

What the fuck is wrong with you?

You need to apologize to her right away and hope you don’t get booted from the site for abuse!

COMMENTS

By Gofuckyourself | 24

#7766267 - Saturday 9 February 2019 3:09

Inception?

RichardPencil | 30

#7766273 - Saturday 9 February 2019 3:35

What the fuck is wrong with you?

You need to apologize to her right away and hope you don’t get booted from the site for abuse!

NostalgiaFreak9 | 40

#7766283 - Saturday 9 February 2019 4:13

@davidfong What the fuck is wrong with you dude? Get some help.

julfunky | 29

#7766294 - Saturday 9 February 2019 4:42

Compared to some of the other things this jerkoff has said, it’s nothing. Surprised he hasn’t been banned already.

He needs to grow up. Trolling is pathetic.

Dodge4x4Ram | 46

#7766313 - Saturday 9 February 2019 6:47

I like that movie. A dream within a dream within another dream inside of another dream and now on lost in limbo lol

By RichardPencil | 30

#7766272 - Saturday 9 February 2019 3:32

Hey, at least it was a hot girl.

It’d be more depressing if you wasted prime dream time fantasizing about fucking an uggo!

By davidfong | 14

#7766279 - Saturday 9 February 2019 3:47

IN CASE YOU DIDN’T KNOW Simmpandher IS A SLUT

Gofuckyourself | 24

#7766285 - Saturday 9 February 2019 4:16

Well, I guess now I know 🤷🏽‍♀️ You forgot to mention "ugly" lol. But this is a bad attempt to express your feelings after I blocked you 😬

RichardPencil | 30

#7766291 - Saturday 9 February 2019 4:34

Buh-bye.

Dave_Davington | 33

#7766293 - Saturday 9 February 2019 4:36

Oh, look at that. Skankhunt42 is real.

By Dodge4x4Ram | 46

#7766304 - Saturday 9 February 2019 5:19

Girls who aren't hot, are they offended by guys who talk highly of hot girls.

By Aphrodite | 20

#7766349 - Saturday 9 February 2019 8:52

Low self esteem is a very unattractive trait. People buy what you sell them. Sell the idea that you’re confident and attractive (even if you aren’t) = pull girls. Sell the idea that you’re lame and ugly (even if you aren’t)= girls run away.

RichardPencil | 30

#7766581 - Saturday 9 February 2019 18:46

Listen to the Goddess of Love!