Today, I had a dream where I was imagining myself hooking up...

By BigDreamer - 9/2/2019 02:00

Today, I had a dream where I was imagining myself hooking up with a really hot girl. Not a sex dream. A dream where I was sitting in a room alone and imagining myself hooking up with this really hot girl. Even in my dreams I can only imagine. FML

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Rock, hard place

Compassion

Vultures

By tempted to become single - 21/10/2012 16:00 - United States - Atwater

Today, I was talking to my girlfriend about extinct peoples, and I said how close the Jewish people came to becoming one. She condescendingly told me they don't exist anymore. When I asked what she was talking about, I realized she was confusing them with the Vikings. What the hell? FML

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By cherokeems - 26/3/2015 17:44 - United States - Harriman

Today, my girlfriend of a month told me that the only thing keeping her from swallowing a bottle of pills is being in a relationship with me, because she doesn't handle breakups well. FML

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By gross - 9/4/2015 16:00 - United States - Muskegon

Today, I got a bikini as a birthday present. I pulled the bikini bottom out of the box first, only to find a pubic hair stuck to the hygienic liner. FML

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By ice cream dude - 10/8/2012 13:58 - United States - Denver

Today, I finished my first two weeks as an ice cream truck driver. Now I can't get that annoying ice cream truck music out of my head. It's even in my dreams. FML

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By horribleevening - 31/1/2019 22:00 - Australia - Hornsby

Today, my wife was sitting next to me surrounded by friends and she decided to start looking up the man that she had an affair on Facebook on her phone - all while I am sitting right next to her. FML

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By s - 9/12/2016 02:38

Today, I parked in a "Disabled" space. A woman and her kids comes yelling at me about how I don't look disabled and I was just being selfish. I roll my pants up to reveal two prosthetic legs. She then yells at me that I should have warned her before showing my legs since it could scare her kids. FML

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By LondonKitsch - 26/6/2009 16:51 - United States

Today, I finally got into a yoga class with the instructor I've been crushing on for 2 years. As he walked closer to greet me, I lifted my leg over my head into a full split, and queefed obnoxiously loud. He responded with his gag reflex. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/8/2013 00:32 - United States - Omaha

Today, I came into the kitchen to see how dinner was coming along. My mother was milling the meat around the skillet with the cat's poop scooper as a spatula. FML

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By tryingtohelp - 24/5/2020 20:00

Good samaritan

Today, I heard my downstairs neighbor being beaten by her husband. I anonymously called 911, hoping to help. She must've seen me giving the cops my statement because as soon as they left, she knocked on my door and punched me square in the face while screaming, "Mind your own business bitch!" FML

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By Hlaalette - 13/5/2015 13:57 - Belgium

Today, I managed to throw my back out by blowing my nose. FML

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By blushingbride - 9/2/2014 21:59 - United States - Alpharetta

Today, my husband decided to pick his nose out before he would kiss me. FML

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By Bob - 14/4/2009 06:13 - United States

Today, I was working at a local restaurant when another server's table called me over to ask if I've "ever killed anybody". They informed me I looked like a serial killer. I informed them, of course, that I have never killed anybody. Another customer claimed I scared her child. I was fired. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/7/2014 16:04 - United States - Pompano Beach

Today, I discovered the downside to having a "sneak-attacks-allowed" tickle war with my 4-year-old son. I had to explain to several outraged strangers at the supermarket why my son kept flinching and pulling away whenever I made any sudden movements near him. FML

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By TheBetterRedhead - 28/3/2017 12:00

Today, on my way home from grocery shopping, two young adults around my age came up and asked me for a lighter. Thinking they just needed it to light a cigarette, I handed them my only lighter. They immediately ran away. I got robbed for a 1.99$ lighter. FML

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By ultraattitude - 22/4/2012 07:01 - United States - Union City

Today, I met a hot guy at the bar and we hit it off instantly. After a few drinks, he called a cab for us. When it arrived, I seducingly asked, "My place or yours?" He responds, "Both. I'll go to mine and you go to yours" and walked away. The cab driver laughed the whole way home. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/5/2013 16:51 - United States - Ozark

Today, I confessed to my girlfriend that I cheated on her. She told me that she needed time to think, and left. An hour later, her dad came by with a baseball bat. FML

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By willieboom - 30/5/2009 15:18 - United States

Today, I turned 30 years old. My dad, the only living relative I have, gave me a call. Not to wish me a happy birthday, but to tell me about "a hot piece of ass" he nailed at the senior center last night. FML

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By me - 14/4/2016 17:33 - United States - Katy

Today, we had a surprise test at school. I was totally unprepared for any of it, so I BSd the whole thing and turned it in. A few minutes later, our teacher said we were allowed to use our notes to finish the test. FML

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By calli - 25/12/2009 21:21 - United Kingdom

Today, I was working at the Soup Kitchen handing out special christmas dinners to the homeless. At the end of the day I collected my things and went home. It was only then I discovered that my wallet, phone, pager and (for some reason) my glasses has been stolen. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/12/2011 01:03 - United States

Today, I was with my boyfriend and we were talking about childhood memories. He told me about a girl he made fun of in middle school. That was me. FML

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By peace out - 5/3/2013 20:19 - United States - Mount Pleasant

Today, I had to help my little sister do a first-grade project for school. For one part, they have to draw a picture of their role model. She drew a whale, and I asked, "A whale is your role model?" She laughed and said, "No! It's you!" FML

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By see you next cunt - 18/3/2014 19:44 - United States

Today, about 10 minutes into my first jog in months, someone in a car started following me, yelling stuff like "Oh my god, it's Shamu!" and "Run faster, fatty!" I ended up breaking down in tears before he finally sped off, roaring with laughter. FML

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By cars hate me - 26/2/2017 11:00 - United States - Compton

Today, my car was rear-ended and totaled. Last year, during the same month, my previous car was rear-ended and totaled. I should just stop driving during the month of February. FML

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By althornton2462 - 12/10/2015 00:27 - United States - Hudson

Today, I messaged the guy I've been seeing for 4 months, referring to him as my boyfriend. His response? "I didn't realize you had a boyfriend." FML

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By Jman6295 - 8/1/2012 00:12 - United States

Today, while helping my father build a shelf, I suggested that we should probably use the instruction manual. He suggested I should probably shut the fuck up and do it his way. FML

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By effme - 1/6/2010 06:05 - United States

Today, I spent ages applying for a scholarship on-line. I found out on the very last page that I do not meet the qualifications for it. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/3/2020 14:00

The Shining

Today, I was babysitting my 4-year-old twin brothers yet again. I began to get desperate when they took my phone and would start crying every time I tried to take it back. My mother found me thirty minutes later, huddled in a corner, crying. I'm 27 years old. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/3/2020 02:05

Dealing with it

Today, my husband's idea of social isolation is to lock himself in his caravan with his Xbox, 200 cans of beer and a dozen takeaway menus. I’ve not seen him in 6 days, and when I tried to force entry to tell him to snap out of it, he sprayed disinfectant at me until I couldn’t breathe. FML

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By littlekellilee - 5/11/2018 03:00

Today, I reached out to an old friend to ask how his battle with cancer is going. He responded by asking for boob pics. FML

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By anonymous - 10/6/2009 22:50 - United States

Today, I decided to go swimming. I knew my technique would be off because I haven't swam since high school. It was when I made it only halfway across the pool that the lifeguard decided to jump in and save me. I wasn't drowning or struggling. FML

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By gonkc - 4/3/2009 07:05 - United States

Today, to remind myself to write a check for my speech and debate team (Lynbrook Speech and Debate), I wrote "LSD money" on the back of my hand. The Vice Principal saw it, dragged me to the office, and called my parents. FML

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By Gem - 5/4/2013 11:04 - United Kingdom - Nottingham

Today, I carried flat-packed boxes home from work to move my things into a new apartment. Whilst walking down the street, the wind kept blowing and spinning me round. A crowd eventually gathered, mistaking me for a street performer. Nobody helped or even threw me any loose change. FML

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By FrozenAnonymus - 14/7/2016 18:05 - Czech Republic - Prague

Today, I was laying on a couch with my dog watching TV when I heard my dog fart. I looked at her, she looked at me and started waving her tail, blowing it into my direction. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2010 11:45 - United States

Today, I went on a first date to the movies. During the flick, I choked on a piece of popcorn. I took a gulp of soda and that got stuck as well. I finally got my breath back and let out the loudest burp I ever have. He looked at me and said "Does this mean I can fart now?" FML

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By GAGirl1 - 1/5/2014 21:29 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me he wanted to drive to India. Thinking he meant Indiana, I said sure, knowing I have friends there. He said, "Bangladesh, India, here we come!" He was serious. FML

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By HappilyNeverAfter - 18/9/2014 03:14 - Canada - Port Perry

Today, a guy asked me out, and I felt butterflies in my stomach. I soon realized that it wasn't butterflies, but an unexpected bowel movement. I stood there awkwardly, looking him in the eyes, then farted hard. FML

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By pinkleopleurodon - 9/12/2011 12:23 - United States

Today, after my roommate decided to become a vegetarian, her new food choices are making her pass deadly, nauseating gas all night. We have a busted window that won't open. I'm afraid I may not live to see tomorrow morning. FML

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By clayton - 28/7/2012 00:30 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I was speaking to my mother on the phone, when she mentioned that my dad had surprised her last week with a pearl necklace. Before I could quite grasp what was going on, I'd popped a boner and visualised the scene. What the hell is wrong with me? FML

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By foolishgirl - 25/2/2009 18:41 - United States

Today, I emailed my boyfriend from work. Out of habit, I absent-mindedly entered my department into the "From" field. My boyfriend didn't notice when he replied. Now my entire department knows I want to "drop to my knees and suck him when I get home." And he plans to "finish on my face." FML

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By rick - 13/8/2009 21:49 - Sweden

Today, I read an incoming message on my wife's phone. "I miss your warm hands and mouth". The message came from a female co-worker of hers. FML

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Top comments

By Gofuckyourself | 24

#7766267 - Saturday 9 February 2019 3:09

Inception?

By RichardPencil | 28

#7766273 - Saturday 9 February 2019 3:35

What the fuck is wrong with you?

You need to apologize to her right away and hope you don’t get booted from the site for abuse!

COMMENTS

By Gofuckyourself | 24

#7766267 - Saturday 9 February 2019 3:09

Inception?

RichardPencil | 28

#7766273 - Saturday 9 February 2019 3:35

What the fuck is wrong with you?

You need to apologize to her right away and hope you don’t get booted from the site for abuse!

NostalgiaFreak9 | 40

#7766283 - Saturday 9 February 2019 4:13

@davidfong What the fuck is wrong with you dude? Get some help.

julfunky | 29

#7766294 - Saturday 9 February 2019 4:42

Compared to some of the other things this jerkoff has said, it’s nothing. Surprised he hasn’t been banned already.

He needs to grow up. Trolling is pathetic.

Dodge4x4Ram | 46

#7766313 - Saturday 9 February 2019 6:47

I like that movie. A dream within a dream within another dream inside of another dream and now on lost in limbo lol

By RichardPencil | 28

#7766272 - Saturday 9 February 2019 3:32

Hey, at least it was a hot girl.

It’d be more depressing if you wasted prime dream time fantasizing about fucking an uggo!

By davidfong | 14

#7766279 - Saturday 9 February 2019 3:47

IN CASE YOU DIDN’T KNOW Simmpandher IS A SLUT

Gofuckyourself | 24

#7766285 - Saturday 9 February 2019 4:16

Well, I guess now I know 🤷🏽‍♀️ You forgot to mention "ugly" lol. But this is a bad attempt to express your feelings after I blocked you 😬

RichardPencil | 28

#7766291 - Saturday 9 February 2019 4:34

Buh-bye.

Dave_Davington | 33

#7766293 - Saturday 9 February 2019 4:36

Oh, look at that. Skankhunt42 is real.

By Dodge4x4Ram | 46

#7766304 - Saturday 9 February 2019 5:19

Girls who aren't hot, are they offended by guys who talk highly of hot girls.

By Aphrodite | 19

#7766349 - Saturday 9 February 2019 8:52

Low self esteem is a very unattractive trait. People buy what you sell them. Sell the idea that you’re confident and attractive (even if you aren’t) = pull girls. Sell the idea that you’re lame and ugly (even if you aren’t)= girls run away.

RichardPencil | 28

#7766581 - Saturday 9 February 2019 18:46

Listen to the Goddess of Love!