Intimacy: She's ready for Valentine's Day! - FML

By dasdachs - Slovenia

Today, while cleaning, I found a grocery bag with thongs in it. I took them out, smiled and jokingly asked my wife, who never wears them, if she's keeping secrets from me. Turns out she isn't and the bag is not hers. It's belongs to my 76-year-old grandma. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5073

You deserved it

769

Tweet

Share

Sorry…

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Bunch of bankers, the lot of them

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, while my teacher was in the middle of a lecture, I accidentally made it so my laptop would display everything upside down. It took me the rest of class to get it right side up again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9156

You deserved it

30907

Tweet

Share

By Cyrah - United States

Today, I got rejected from participating in a depression study that provides free medication, for not already being on antidepressants. That's because I can't afford health insurance or medication, which is why I applied to the study. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2182

You deserved it

260

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Singapore

Today, while I was having sex with my girlfriend, I was struck with a white-hot pain, and in the confusion thought her vagina had contracted hard. It turned out it was actually my uncircumcised penis retracting for the first time in my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29456

You deserved it

7668

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband of three years told me he only proposed to me because his favorite football team was winning and he had been drunk. I had our second child three days ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

93317

You deserved it

5309

Tweet

Share

By ghostyyy - France

Today, my sister was on television. It would have been great if she weren't being handcuffed for burglary. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37866

You deserved it

3278

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my baby-crazy mother expressed her concerns that I haven't conceived after a whole two months of marriage. Her advice amounted to "get divorced while you're still hot, sleep around until you get pregnant, then marry the winner." When I complained to my father, he supported her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38941

You deserved it

3151

Tweet

Share

By - United States

Today, I learned that not only is my husband having an affair with my own mother, but my whole family knew. They were keeping it a secret from me for 3 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4159

Phew, glad it wasn't me

351

Tweet

Share

By grossew

Today, my farm dog and I are spending the weekend in an urban area. She won't poop on concrete, so I directed her to a nice two-foot tall grassy median. As she vaulted up onto the median, two turds shot out of her ass and plopped right on my foot. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1455

You deserved it

289

Tweet

Share

By fml_anon - United Kingdom - London

Today, I had to spend a depressingly long time convincing my 29-year-old husband that our house isn't haunted and that the door slammed shut because it was windy outside. I repeat, "29-year-old husband" and "haunted". It's like I'm married to a child. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16974

You deserved it

4179

Tweet

Share

By yek - Israel - Tel Aviv

Today, I'm spending Christmas Eve at the hospital. Why? Because when I blew my nose, a ball of flesh connected to a tendril of skin shot out, and it wouldn't go back up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22549

You deserved it

1595

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I mentioned on Facebook that I'll be out of town over the weekend, because I am attending my grandmother's funeral. I soon got comments saying "Pics or it didn't happen" and "Killed her for the inheritance, eh?" followed by a solitary "LOLLL". FML

I agree, your life sucks

48706

You deserved it

5600

Tweet

Share

By What? - Australia

Today, I found out my ten year old brother and his best friend have taught our new parrot to say, "Shut up, bitch." We have a bunch of our extended family coming over tomorrow to see what the parrot can say. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31525

You deserved it

4078

Tweet

Share

By WWJD - United States

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend and I lustfully requested we try doggy style this time. He responded, "No, Jesus wouldn't like that." FML

I agree, your life sucks

10144

You deserved it

1563

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Deal or no Deal

Today, my boyfriend's farts got so bad that we made a deal: every day that he doesn't fart, he gets a blowjob. Suddenly, he's not letting gas out anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks

939

You deserved it

1911

Tweet

Share

By quickfingers100 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend put a paper bag over my head while we had sex. Her reason? Because she thinks she is so good in bed she was worried I'd hyperventilate due to all the excitement. Instead I fainted due to lack of oxygen after three minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42744

You deserved it

10670

Tweet

Share

By whatproject - United States

Today, I was offered to attend a Buddhist ceremony by one of my regular customers. Not wanting to offend the couple, I made an excuse about have a project for oceanography. Surprise, the husband is an oceanographer and wants to help me with my imaginary project. Karma much? FML

I agree, your life sucks

11410

You deserved it

50943

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, as I was jogging on the boardwalk, an old guy tripped me with his cane. As I was getting back up, I heard him say to his wife, "I wanted to see if she would actually fall." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1859

You deserved it

110

Tweet

Share

By mudy247

Today, it took me longer than it should have with a bit of calculations to remember how old I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3372

You deserved it

841

Tweet

Share

By SickBoi - 30/3/2021 14:01 - United States - Cambridge

Hot lava from both ends

Today, I was suffering from food poisoning and had constant diarrhea, along with feeling nauseous. I couldn't hold my vomit in and rushed to the toilet, but due to the pressure, I pooped while still in pajamas. FML

I agree, your life sucks

868

You deserved it

59

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Thailand

Today, I can no longer leave my son at daycare, because at the age of 5, he's started manipulating the girls there into fighting over him. A kid lost a baby tooth in one such brawl. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54956

You deserved it

7041

Tweet

Share

By why - 6/11/2020 23:01

Delusional

Today, I was at work. I had a male patient expose himself to me. He then apologized and said he thought that's what I wanted. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1029

You deserved it

82

Tweet

Share

By eatmyshipoopie - United Kingdom

Today, I was getting it on with my boyfriend when my dad opened the door. I thought I hadn't been seen because the door was only open a tiny bit. I then looked into the mirror by the door to see my dad's reflection, staring at mine, horrified. I was on top. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21085

You deserved it

9856

Tweet

Share

By BrokenHangLow - United States - Havelock

Today, my roommate barged into my bedroom while my girlfriend and I were getting intimate. She freaked out and spun off of me trying to cover herself. I'm now in the hospital with a fractured dingle-dangle. What did he want that was so important? To ask if he could eat last pack of Pop-Tarts. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4100

You deserved it

380

Tweet

Share

By budda1368 - United States

Romance isn't dead

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. It was amazing, besides for the fact I barely felt him. I pretty much faked the entire thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1872

You deserved it

944

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada - Dartmouth

Today, I overheard my dad say "Last time I didn't use a condom, I ended up with Steven, so for god's sake use 'em." I'm Steven. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43648

You deserved it

3473

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, after constant avoidance, I saw the man who slept with my mother and caused my parents to get divorced. I desperately wanted to punch him in the face, but instead I had to smile and shake his hand as he gave me my diploma. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39147

You deserved it

2434

Tweet

Share

By pdub523 - United States - Longview

Today, I met my girlfriend's dad for the first time. His shirt said "D.A.D.D, Dads Against Daughters Dating, shoot the first one and word will spread". FML

I agree, your life sucks

37094

You deserved it

3793

Tweet

Share

By TheTruthofWomen - United States

Today, at work, I had to explain to my co-manager at work what a period was, after he refused to let an employee go change her tampon. Afterwards, he panicked, saying he thought women made that up so they didn't have to have sex, before trying to send her to the hospital and fainting. We're 24. FML

I agree, your life sucks

70015

You deserved it

4646

Tweet

Share

By Blurry - Philippines

Today, I joined a small disaster relief group. I remarked to the big, long-haired person beside me that it was surprising that I was the only female in the group. I got a cold stare. Later I asked another volunteer about that person. He answered, "Oh, her? She's my sister." FML

I agree, your life sucks

12202

You deserved it

38898

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my grandmother tried to start a fist-fight with my wife during my wedding ceremony. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55412

You deserved it

4565

Tweet

Share

By Asl94 - 16/1/2021 05:01

Are you calling me a fatass?

Today, my mom asked me what I wanted as a gift, so I said a Cricut machine. She replied, "You don’t need exercise equipment, you need to eat healthier." A Cricut is a sticker maker. FML

I agree, your life sucks

693

You deserved it

106

Tweet

Share

By Sock_Muppet

Today, I looked at my sister's Instagram story, and saw her, my brother, and my father all on a family road trip to Reno without me. I wasn't told anything about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2325

You deserved it

168

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I asked my professor what happened to the assignment I gave him several weeks ago. Turns out he lost it, and graded me zero as a result. Now if I want a mark, he says I'll have to hand-write it all over again, but that I "probably shouldn't bother," because it was "a bit shit, really." FML

I agree, your life sucks

28439

You deserved it

2394

Tweet

Share

By Angelica - United States

Today, I had to sit patiently at the checkout at work, listening to my own father rant about how the twinkies he was buying were "twice the size back in my day", and how "you could buy a dozen of these suckers for just 10 cents." He didn't stop there. No, he tried to haggle over the price. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24791

You deserved it

2376

Tweet

Share

By Y_Y - United States

Today, I saw my grandma had registered on Facebook, so I wrote a welcome post on her wall. She replied "Delete." several times, then called me, accusing me of "hacking" her and demanding that I remove my name from her page at once. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32583

You deserved it

2889

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Newtown Square

Today, I found out my pregnant sister has been watching Teen Mom 2 to find out how to be a good parent. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29957

You deserved it

2218

Tweet

Share

By - United States - Ithaca

Today, my first grade student apologized for cutting his bangs off in class, and explained that it was his mom's birthday and he had wanted to make her an origami flower. Out of his hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7036

You deserved it

652

Tweet

Share

By Bambi113 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, my "friends" and I were supposed to go out to eat to celebrate finishing the last day of school, but with a full day of work first, I decided to go buy them donuts. They decided to ditch me while I was gone, and go early. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12870

You deserved it

904

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada - Ottawa

Today, I learned that most teenagers would rather grab free candy from the broken vending machine than help the guy stuck underneath it get free. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46285

You deserved it

5096

Tweet

Share

By Kamburgler - United States

Today, this really cute guy at work kept flirting with me and cracking the funniest jokes. Before he left, he told me how much he enjoyed making me smile. An hour later, I saw my reflection in a mirror, I had a huge piece of food stuck in my teeth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36319

You deserved it

5682

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By DanielleinDC | 32

#7597899 - Monday 12 February 2018 2:05

At least your wife isn't keeping secrets from you.

By user918 | 10

#7593426 - Thursday 1 February 2018 11:17

So your grandma still has a healthy sexuality at 76? Good for her!

COMMENTS

By user918 | 10

#7593426 - Thursday 1 February 2018 11:17

So your grandma still has a healthy sexuality at 76? Good for her!

By DanielleinDC | 32

#7597899 - Monday 12 February 2018 2:05

At least your wife isn't keeping secrets from you.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7597913 - Monday 12 February 2018 3:35

Hopefully, for Valentines’ Day, your wife will give you a heart-shaped box of brain bleach!

By Thundernutz | 15

#7597918 - Monday 12 February 2018 3:43

At least you didnt walk in on your grandma getting it on with your granddad and referring to him as "Daddy" after he said "Time for your daily dose of vitamin D*ck".... So consider yourself slightly lucky lol.

By Ashok Kumar | 13

#7597919 - Monday 12 February 2018 3:44

Advice your wife to spend time with your grandma, she will help your wife to spice things up even more😂😂

By ohsnapword | 21

#7597924 - Monday 12 February 2018 4:15

Now, that's a secret she should have kept.

By Ellen Stewart | 4

#7597931 - Monday 12 February 2018 5:04

So why did she have That?

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7598033 - Monday 12 February 2018 11:32

I've seen hot chicks in granny panties, but have yet to experience granny in hot chick panties.

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7598098 - Monday 12 February 2018 13:44

Hey, granny's 76--at that point, I think it's totally okay for her to not really give a damn.

By Izabushel | 65

#7598400 - Tuesday 13 February 2018 10:02

As an Australian, I was wondering what the big deal over a pair of shoes was. Took me a moment to realise he was talking about underwear. Now I understand why it’s a FML.