Today, my son hit my husband's shop-vac while pulling into the...

By Anonymous - 23/8/2009 23:00 - United States

Today, my son hit my husband's shop-vac while pulling into the garage too fast. He was grounded for 3 days. Later, while trying to demonstrate how to park safely, I hit my husband in his happy sacks with the mirror. FML

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Transportation

Rock, hard place

What did I do?

Last dates

By anonymous - 11/10/2016 05:23 - United States - Baton Rouge

Today, I was taking my phone out of my pocket when it caught on the fabric and began to fall. I managed to catch it, but also smacked myself in the balls in the process. FML

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By Highroller_17 - 13/8/2015 04:13 - United States

Today, a customer came in to the Walmart I cashier at, trying to set me up with her daughter. This isn't the first time she's tried. As she so graciously put it, her daughter "has a thing for the wimpy nerdy types". FML

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By left out wet - 22/6/2019 22:08

Today, I was laying in bed completely naked, uncovered and waiting for my husband to walk in. He laid down in bed and starting playing with his phone instead of. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/4/2018 11:00 - United States - Twin Falls

Today, I went to the park to read “The Book Thief”. I fell asleep and when I woke up, my book was gone. FML

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By STIdiot - 17/10/2011 12:12 - United States

Today, my boyfriend's jaw was swollen due to him not taking care of a cracked tooth. He's convinced it was actually caused by an STD, and accused me of giving it to him. FML

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By Foufinator - 4/10/2009 19:33 - France

Today, I ordered a chicken sandwich. I was starving and it was the fastest thing to order. Half way through it, I found something which does not belong, and removed it. It was half a cockroach, and I don't know where the other half is. FML

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By auraya1985 - 12/9/2015 21:34 - United Kingdom

Today, I got called into the school by my daughter's teacher. Apparently my daughter informed her class that over the weekend she spent her time with her daddy watching porn stars while her mummy was at work. It took a long time to convince her they were actually watching a TV show called "Pawn Stars". FML

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By puppylove - 5/5/2020 08:00

Zoning out

Today, my mother found me staring at my puppy's asshole. She had apparently been standing there for 5 minutes. FML

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By Baby - 26/1/2017 08:30 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I was having sex with an ex when he whispered in my ear, "Who's my baby?" I, being very bad at dirty talk, said, "You." FML

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By Ariella - 29/8/2011 04:06 - Singapore

Today, I found out that I was adopted. I'm 46 years old with 11 real siblings and no one bothered to tell me until I found the documents in my dead adoptive father's house. FML

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By AidenFromSweden - 6/7/2009 18:41 - Sweden

Today, I come home to find my nephew holding pieces of my new $3,500 Sony Video Camera. He told me he threw it out the window because it was a portal for aliens. FML

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By Username - 5/11/2010 22:02 - France

Today, I was reading to a child during nap time because she woke up crying. She calmed down right after I began reading, but soon started crying again. I was confused until I felt something warm and wet on my leg. She peed on me. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/4/2012 02:07 - United States - Lincolnton

Today, my boyfriend told me that he'd never made a girl orgasm. I didn't think much of it until he decided to go down on me. Every time he got me close to orgasm, he'd stop and ask, "Are you about to come?" or "Does that feel good?" Now I can see why he's never made a girl orgasm. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/10/2009 02:25 - United States

Today, I was changing my shirt in the bathroom when I dropped it. It fell on my foot, so I decided to flip it up with my foot instead of bending down to get it. I flipped it, and it landed in the toilet. Which somebody had not flushed. FML

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By PerfectVision - 11/9/2014 06:49 - United States - Long Beach

Today, I had to decline the sale of alcohol to a man who reeked of booze and was practically falling asleep at my till. He tried to convince me that he wasn't drunk, he was just blind. Still refusing to sell him the beer, he started yelling at me, accusing me of "being racist against the 'blinds'". FML

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By Anonymous - 10/9/2011 15:34 - United States

Today, I found thousands of ants in a secret nest in an unused corner of my apartment. They were feeding on the baking mix I forgot in a box from moving two months ago, and the queen has been laying her eggs on my wireless router. FML

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By xyz - 9/2/2009 18:24 - Ireland

Today, I told the man I'm sleeping with I thought my sister was prettier than me. His response: "not significantly." FML

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By just die already - 24/4/2016 09:55 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I found out my psycho ex also reads FML. She called me at work, pissed that I'd "publicly humiliated" her on here. I haven't posted about her at all. I'm sure the brick I found thrown through my window a few hours later has nothing to do with her, though. FML

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By RIPmyhair - 20/12/2018 20:00

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex when he asked if it was okay to finish on my back. Not only did he do that but he also got it on my neck, the side of my face, and my hair which I'd just gotten done at the salon for almost $200 and can't wash for 2 days. FML.

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By helloimkylieee - 25/1/2016 01:04 - United States - Tracy

Today, I had to convince my parents to shut the door when they have sex. They have done this on multiple occasions. FML

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By You're NOT getting lucky today hun - 12/10/2012 09:27 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, after confronting my boyfriend about cheating on me, he confessed to everything. I was caught off guard by his honesty, but not nearly as caught off guard as I was when he eagerly questioned me on when our breakup sex will be. FML

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By Crazyyyymomentsss - 7/8/2009 15:31 - United States

Today, I found why exactly my clothes always seemed more stretched out after about a week of owning them. My mom steals and wears them when she goes clubbing. My mom is 46, twice my size, and gets out more than me. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/8/2012 23:16 - United States - Lancaster

Today, I had my boss over for dinner. Knowing that I was angling for a promotion, my fifteen-year-old son spent the dinner uttering lines such as "What's the point of showering before bed?" and "Bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks." My boss was not impressed. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/3/2016 13:21 - Netherlands - Ottersum

Today, I got a heads-up that my boss suffered a death in the family, but was coming into work anyway. I thought he'd be depressed, but it seems he deals with grief with anger instead. I found that out when he yelled at me, threatening to rip my spine out my ass over a typo I made in a report. FML

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By Sherressa - 2/12/2013 20:04 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I saw my friend's car in front of school. I'd had a bad day and just wanted to talk with her. I got in and sat down, and felt something squish beneath me. Turns out it wasn't actually my friend's car, and I'd just sat on a random woman's cake. FML

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By Karma - 21/4/2015 16:45 - United Kingdom - Newport

Today, whilst in the last week of my notice period, I was instructed by my boss to tell six new employees that their jobs had fallen through before they'd even started. Later that afternoon, I received a call from my line manager. Guess whose own job has fallen through too. FML

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By Samprib - 1/6/2013 05:09 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I went to the pharmacy to buy condoms. My card was declined, and I had to stand and watch in morbid fascination as the man behind me kindly paid for my purchase. His reason was "God forbid a maxed out Visa should get in the way of fucking." FML

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By Annoyed - 11/5/2016 01:23 - United States - Panama City Beach

Today, one of my students stole my wallet. I teach kindergarten. FML

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By Jeslyn03 - 13/1/2012 18:57 - Canada

Today, I wandered around my property with my children, trying to find our escaped house cat. While in the more wooded parts, we spotted her on the ground, being picked over by a coyote. FML

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By ProFesser - 28/3/2017 16:00

Today, while heading outside to go to work, I slip on my driveway and my coffee thermos-mug ends up flying out of my hand, and smashes my next door neighbor's brand new truck window. The thermos-mug broke and splashed hot coffee all over his seats too. He's a hard-ass military dude. FML

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By carsuck - 11/11/2009 05:55 - United States

Today, I woke up at 6:00 am to the sound of somebody laying on their horn outside my apartment. I ran outside to yell at them only to find out it was my car. The horn was shortcircuting. All my neighbors stood on their porch laughing as I repeatedly punched my steering wheel to make it stop. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/9/2009 19:19 - United States

Today, I received a text message from my favorite sister saying "Great news! The technology in condoms has improved so much that they ensure that accidents like you won't ever happen again!" Today's my birthday. FML

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By thisshtissad - 22/9/2019 02:01

Travel away from the sadness

Today, I was thinking about how I saw Eric from That '70s Show at an airport and never said anything to him. I still regret it. FML

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By 12345678910 - 18/8/2013 18:22 - United States - Buffalo

Today, my drunk mom kicked me out of my own birthday party, calling me a "party-pooper" and saying I was killing everyone's buzz. FML

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By roberto - 12/11/2010 23:48 - Brazil

Today, I was fooling around a bit with my girlfriend while cooking dinner when she said, "Don't get too excited, I want to watch The Princess and the Frog tonight." I just got cockblocked by a Disney movie. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/4/2013 09:17

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend in public. She happily said yes, and the surrounding crowd cheered for us. About 10 minutes later, after the excitement died down, she leaned over and quietly said, "Actually, I don't want to marry you. I only said yes so I wouldn't disappoint the crowd." FML

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By lizzzie - 9/10/2009 21:25 - United Kingdom

Today, I learned that the excessive groin sweating I've been trying to deal with for weeks isn't groin sweating. It's a slow and steady stream of urine that I have no control over. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/7/2009 01:26 - United States

Today, I had to go through the embarrassment and pain of telling my parents I was pregnant. I took the test and it came out positive and I was freaking out. I got grounded for the rest of the year and they're really disappointed in me. Five minutes ago, I got my period. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/2/2016 19:02 - United States - North Scituate

Today, I found a picture of my ex with a new boyfriend. This wouldn't be so bad if she didn't break up with me because she was lesbian. FML

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By Dumbass - 10/1/2019 12:00

Today, I got too drunk at a party and cracked a tooth from opening a beer bottle with my teeth, farted something nasty in a room alone with someone, tried to climb a tree and fell out, and watched my crush make out with his new girl. FML

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Top comments

By conan6 | 0

#510007 - Monday 24 August 2009 1:16

YDI for using the phrase "happy sacks"

By letitbe56 | 0

#510017 - Monday 24 August 2009 1:19

YDI for grounding your son for something that could have happened to anybody.

COMMENTS

By conan6 | 0

#510007 - Monday 24 August 2009 1:16

YDI for using the phrase "happy sacks"

no1askdu | 5

#510111 - Monday 24 August 2009 1:41

yeah i know, who uses that terminology anyways.... but i bet they wernt so happy after that incident.

seanreddog | 4

#510195 - Monday 24 August 2009 2:13

YDI FOR DRIVING WHILE FEMINISCULATED!!!

603050294 | 0

#510292 - Monday 24 August 2009 2:57

#2 I was thinking the same thing.

SunlightVeins | 0

#510332 - Monday 24 August 2009 3:14

He has more than one sack?

suaveneanderthal | 0

#510419 - Monday 24 August 2009 4:03

well i hope you were grounded as well

trollin_fo_andre | 0

#510659 - Monday 24 August 2009 6:32

YDI for blowing up Hiroshima

iSuperman_fml | 0

#510668 - Monday 24 August 2009 6:37

FYHL.

humorizer | 14

#510724 - Monday 24 August 2009 7:17

Please don't message me.

giganticbrain | 0

#511704 - Monday 24 August 2009 19:46

Agreed.

NATFLUMP | 0

#514850 - Tuesday 25 August 2009 22:05

lmfaaao.
i think that phrase is actually kinda funny,
happy sacks :)

blackxmortals | 0

#523598 - Saturday 29 August 2009 7:21

That's exactly what I was gonna say.

kiki123_55555 | 0

#964647 - Saturday 20 March 2010 3:34

tip for the OP. don't say happy sacks or happy sack. u sound ruhtarded. call them balls or something

hector22 | 0

#987552 - Sunday 2 May 2010 19:07

how tall is your husband that the mirror reaches his happy sack or is it a little car

Pikalu1 | 3

#1285591 - Sunday 22 August 2010 18:28

#202 - I love the irony on this website, don't you? "u sound ruhtarded. call them balls or something"

By Ligerie | 0

#510013 - Monday 24 August 2009 1:18

Happy sacks......?

Bllasae | 0

#510513 - Monday 24 August 2009 5:08

WTF are happy sacks? You have one sack, and two nuts.

Broc | 0

#510612 - Monday 24 August 2009 6:04

She shouldn't have gotten cocky.

evangldbrg | 0

#510679 - Monday 24 August 2009 6:41

FTW!

Alie22 | 0

#510783 - Monday 24 August 2009 8:13

#103 win

By redbluegreen | 40

#510014 - Monday 24 August 2009 1:18

Two for S&M, please.

Happy punishing. (;

By instantfail | 0

#510015 - Monday 24 August 2009 1:18

I guess it runs in the family.

By screwtaylor | 0

#510016 - Monday 24 August 2009 1:19

What is a shop-vac?

Also, if you are driving a car how can you hit your husband in his "happy-sack" without fully running his whole body over?

letitbe56 | 0

#510025 - Monday 24 August 2009 1:21

http://lmgtfy.com/?q=shop-vac

LewJH | 0

#510043 - Monday 24 August 2009 1:24

That's what I thought...
How was she showing him how to park?

skatagurl | 0

#510533 - Monday 24 August 2009 5:16

rofl 31 yes. v true

ijrnelson | 0

#511100 - Monday 24 August 2009 12:47

wow! thank you so much for http://lmgtfy.com/ !!!! I'm going to spam that on yahoo answers! hehe

angel55033 | 12

#1730065 - Sunday 21 November 2010 8:45

you don't know what a shop vac is? you need to get out more lol

kyliebear | 15

#4944878 - Tuesday 18 September 2012 12:45

Yeah, I think it's the husbands fault....how can you get hit THERE with a CAR MIRROR without getting ACTUALLY run over?

KrazyKatz3 | 26

#7521952 - Friday 4 August 2017 19:04

You know the way at the side of the car there are mirrors that stick out around crotch level. Now this is just my guess seeing as the OP said with the mirror. But maybe the side mirror hit him in the nuts?

By letitbe56 | 0

#510017 - Monday 24 August 2009 1:19

YDI for grounding your son for something that could have happened to anybody.

SunlightVeins | 0

#510342 - Monday 24 August 2009 3:22

Quote for fucking Truth

IamSpartacus | 0

#510480 - Monday 24 August 2009 4:46

Hey what's up SunlightVeins? Long time no see. I remember you from some argument about peoples grammar.

SunlightVeins | 0

#512910 - Tuesday 25 August 2009 3:42

Aw yeah, 'cause "THIS IS HOW WE DO IT."

By av232 | 0

#510021 - Monday 24 August 2009 1:20

how the hell does that happen? already seen a bunch of these YDI

By ilg4evr | 0

#510026 - Monday 24 August 2009 1:21

This makes no sense...did you park safely and then jump out of the car and punch his happy sacks? Did you simply bump into them? Or are happy sacks not what we are all thinking at all?

hahaohwell | 0

#510368 - Monday 24 August 2009 3:37

the side mirror hit them

By MiniatureMayhem | 0

#510031 - Monday 24 August 2009 1:22

Happy sacks?

By DogFun | 0

#510040 - Monday 24 August 2009 1:23

YDI for driving while female.
Also, how the hell do you hit your husband in the balls while driving, Like you would hit his whole waist.

k3500 | 0

#2535603 - Thursday 19 May 2011 22:26

win