Kids: Today, my son tried to swat a fly with a hammer. Our apartment... - FML

By flustered - 06/05/2012 14:57 - United States - Rapid City

Today, my son tried to swat a fly with a hammer. Our apartment walls are now littered with dents and holes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 519

You deserved it 4 747

Ingredients check

Gross

I guess that's why they call it an intravitreal injection

By Anonymous - 17/06/2018 06:00

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were finally having some intimate alone time together. When we really started getting into it, he suddenly prematurely jizzed in my eye. I now need surgery and have to explain to my family how I almost lost my eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 372

You deserved it 992

By Geez - 19/10/2009 17:02 - Netherlands

Spicy

Today, I finally got intimate with my girlfriend, the girl of my dreams. I undressed and, ready to step in bed with her, I see her staring at 'it'. Which was quickly followed by laughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 050

You deserved it 3 735

By Anonymous - 21/04/2018 05:00

Spicy

Today, my husband got jealous of my new vibrator. I got the vibrator to "spice things up" between us, because he hasn't touched me in months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 631

You deserved it 533

By UglyGirl - 08/11/2015 09:34 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I waved at a baby while standing in line in a store. It started screaming. Its mom looked over in mild concern and gave me a disturbed glare before moving to the next checkout counter over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 291

You deserved it 1 924

By Anonymous - 23/01/2015 14:58 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was rushed to the hospital with anal tearing. We've never tried anal before, but it turns out she and my "best friend" sure have. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 043

You deserved it 3 052

Best teeth in the game

By floss can't skewer people - 22/09/2021 02:00

Today, my stepfather refused to drive me to the hospital after having a toothpick that was left on the floor lodge itself and break off in the bottom of my foot. He's the only person in the house that uses toothpicks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 134

You deserved it 75

By Anonymous - 13/07/2014 16:04 - United States - Pompano Beach

Today, I discovered the downside to having a "sneak-attacks-allowed" tickle war with my 4-year-old son. I had to explain to several outraged strangers at the supermarket why my son kept flinching and pulling away whenever I made any sudden movements near him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 278

You deserved it 6 774

Dancing With The Stares

By Travolta - 20/05/2019 02:13

Today, I was at a party and I danced. Judging by people's stares, I should never ever attempt it again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 571

You deserved it 274

By bestbfever - 17/05/2017 02:00

Today, my drunk boyfriend called me by my best friend's name in bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 759

You deserved it 390

By Anonymous - 26/12/2011 09:55 - United States

Today, my once-alcoholic mom told me that she would sell me for a shot of vodka. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 800

You deserved it 2 977

By samantha - 04/03/2009 00:18 - United States

Today, in the fitting room at Old Navy, a customer asked me if we sold Calvin Klein jeans. I replied "no ma'am, this isn't a department store, we only sell Old Navy jeans." She left, and complained to my manager, who informed me that "the customer is always right." FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 299

You deserved it 3 794

My anal beads

By Anonymous - 16/11/2019 18:00

Spicy

Today, my bathroom flooded. I frantically cleaned my apartment as fast as I could before the plumber arrived. Everything was finally clean when I let him in. It wasn't until after he finished that I noticed I'd left my anal beads in the shower. There's no way he didn't notice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 996

You deserved it 2 055

By I'm an adult! - 02/07/2015 19:16 - United States - Mount Vernon

Today, I told my parents I'm pregnant. I got a long lecture from my mom about using protection. It would have been fine hearing all that, but I'm turning 22, I've been moved out for a few years, have a full time job with great benefits, and am getting married next summer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 446

You deserved it 4 437

By badboyfriend101 - 12/05/2009 15:22 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was continuously telling me how great my best friend smelled the other night and how I should wear some perfume that smelled like that. I have the same exact perfume and have been wearing it for months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 855

You deserved it 4 317

By Anonymous - 31/05/2014 07:24 - United States

Today, it was my birthday. The only person who remembered was my dad who got me a phone charger for my car, which I didn't even need because he got me the same exact thing last year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 651

You deserved it 4 041

By Anonymousss95 - 10/12/2011 12:03 - Sweden

Spicy

Today, I lost my virginity. Afterwards, he told me that he was only doing this because he wanted to know if he still truly loves his girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 542

You deserved it 13 353

By OompaLoompa - 18/06/2009 13:32 - United Kingdom

Today, I decided to use fake tan, seeing as I am so pale. Everywhere I have been today, I have had children behind me. Singing the Oompa Loompa song. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 238

You deserved it 62 176

Zoom off

By Anonymous - 26/11/2020 07:59

Today, I was caught on a hot mic during a work department meeting complaining about someone using a leaf blower, F-bombs and all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 215

You deserved it 782

By fedlife - 09/04/2009 04:14 - United States

Today, I was going running. It was an especially windy day and things were flying through the wind. Apparently, bodily fluid can also fly through the wind. Turns out, a women was barfing over a bridge and the wind caught it and it flew through the air. Right into my face and body. FML

I agree, your life sucks 84 313

You deserved it 3 818

By WellPlayedMother - 24/08/2016 06:15

Today, I discovered, after years of being grounded for losing my belongings, that I didn't actually lose anything. Instead, my mom drunkenly admitted to tossing my stuff away and then punishing me for it whenever she was mad at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 706

You deserved it 1 020

Mansplaning #2764

By Anonymous - 11/11/2020 17:02 - United States

Today, I got mansplained for trying to help a guy secure a machine to a trailer. Not only did he bring the wrong trailer, he tried to ratchet it onto the axle. I load and unload trailers at least once a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 860

You deserved it 108

By seriously - 17/12/2014 13:33 - United States - Oak Lawn

Today, I decided to splurge and get valet parking at a fancy restaurant. I got out of the car and gave the man my keys and watched as he slowly backed my car into another car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 535

You deserved it 3 574

By Charlotte - 25/01/2011 14:10

Spicy

Today, I found my electric globe. It asks you where a state, country or city is and you would have to find it and click on it with the pen. I also found out that my parents would sneak into my room at night, take it and play 'strip-globe'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 072

You deserved it 3 025

By Phill1188 - 16/09/2018 03:30

Today, I got locked in an old woman's garage for an hour when she forgot I was looking at the car for sale. When I got home, I told my mom and jokingly said, "First time I have been kidnapped!" Without hesitation she said, "Well, that makes it the 3rd time." I had no idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 958

You deserved it 189

By Anonymous - 25/12/2009 06:30 - Canada

Today, I invited my boss and his family over for dinner. As usual, I bought his kids Christmas' presents, nothing too fancy though. This year, he had one more that wasn't here last year. So I just pulled something from under the tree to hand him. He opened it on the spot. It was my son's PS3. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 982

You deserved it 52 116

Ouch!

By Anonymous - 27/03/2012 05:52 - United States - Oklahoma City

Today, I was leaning over a fence in a pasture to get a closer look at something. Nobody warned my nuts that it was an electric fence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 575

You deserved it 10 995

Trust

By Anonymous - 03/10/2020 15:02 - Iraq

Today, my fiancée a year left me, a week after she told me she’s still talking to her ex. Her excuse for not telling me about this? Because, “You’ll make it a big deal out of it.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 133

You deserved it 117

By kittyd - 28/01/2011 05:24 - United States

Today, I came home to find a note on my door. I thought it was from my elderly disabled neighbors thanking me for cleaning off their snow covered car, since about 6 inches came down. It was from them, only it said I owed them for damages to their car. Damages that were already there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 546

You deserved it 3 572

Health? Care? Never

By peachezthelette - 12/04/2021 20:00

Today, my job threatened to fire me because I left work early. I left because I can't sit, stand, lay down or walk due to back pain. I went to my doctor after leaving work and turns out I have a herniated disc. My job still doesn't care, and my job is now in jeopardy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 413

You deserved it 89

By thegirlofthedad - 29/01/2013 09:48 - India - Mumbai

Today, I saw a lady who had fainted. I ran over to help, only to find out that she was unstable and had a knife in her hand. She was pointing it at me, and growled threateningly every time I tried to move away. It took the cops an hour to defuse the situation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 574

You deserved it 2 769

By Firepants - 28/08/2010 16:04 - Canada

Today, I woke up with a burning sensation on my butt. Remembering that yesterday I was bit by a fire ant, I decided to reinspect the bite. I found ten more which itch and burn. My parents' new nickname for me is "Firebutt". FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 443

You deserved it 4 087

By Anonymous - 25/07/2016 21:28 - United States - Spokane

Today, I sent a Snapchat the girl I've been flirting with all week. Her response was the back of her Coke Zero, which had the quote "You've Got a Friend in Me." I got rejected by a soda can. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 052

You deserved it 1 708

By Tim - 09/04/2009 21:44 - United States

Today, my mom had a baby shower. When it was over I walked around cleaning up the trash, when I saw a card sitting on the table with a note to my mom saying "better luck with this one." At the moment I am an only child, and the card was signed from my grandmother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 75 564

You deserved it 4 222

By lessinterestingthanadog - 08/11/2009 05:28 - United States

Today, I invited the guy I've been seeing to my home for the first time. He spent over an hour talking to my twelve-year-old dog. Occasionally he would look up to ask me a question, but when I answered he would just continue talking to the dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 221

You deserved it 3 786

By Christine - 09/05/2009 06:08 - United States

Today, I saw my little brother playing with my new kitten. He is only five and isn't very gentle so I took the cat away and told him "You can't play with the cat! I don't think he likes you very much!" In a joking tone. The cat then bit and clawed my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 956

You deserved it 51 128

The Hulk

By Anonymous - 10/08/2020 14:01

Today, I was diagnosed with intermittent explosive disorder, meaning that I involuntarily fly into a rage without provocation. It's only controlled by healthy eating and sleeping. I work too much to get any sleep, I don't make enough money to eat well, and my disorder limits my ability to find a job that pays more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 502

You deserved it 298

By infected - 30/12/2010 21:37 - Denmark

Today, I had a snowball fight with a friend. In the midst of the game, I stole her hat and put it on my head, ignoring her pleas. Apparently, she was trying to say she had head lice. I can now verify that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 612

You deserved it 43 498

By Wheresthecreamfilling - 03/11/2016 06:03

Today, my girlfriend and I had sex. Later, she said the highlight of her day was getting a cupcake from the grocery store. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 044

You deserved it 1 866

By Bob - 13/12/2017 05:00 - United States - Fairbanks

Today, a judge gave my ex custody of my two sons, most of my money, my house, my car, and has ordered me to take anger management classes. We're getting a divorce because she shot me with a gun. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 364

You deserved it 646

By kebaby - 19/06/2010 23:19 - United States

Today, I spent a long time steam-cleaning a mystery stain on my living room carpet. I turned the light on to get a better look at it, and realized that it was a shadow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 920

You deserved it 48 110

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Top comments

Idonebeenhad 17

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Monday 7 May 2012 0:57

Your son is an idiot.

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Monday 7 May 2012 0:57

If he had actually managed to kill it I would be impressed. I can barely get those things with a fly swatter

Comments

Angelo_Davanzo 0

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Monday 7 May 2012 0:57

Why didnt you stop after the first time?

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Monday 7 May 2012 0:57

"my son tried to" DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPPPPPP. Seriously, learn to read.

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Monday 7 May 2012 1:26

This is the second time this happens

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Monday 7 May 2012 1:33

Angelo has reading comprehension problems.

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Monday 7 May 2012 1:38

Maybe #1 was so excited to be first he forgot to clarify. Perhaps he meant to say, "why didn't you stop him after the first time?"

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Monday 7 May 2012 2:01

#29 totally right

starbucksguy 16

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Monday 7 May 2012 3:28

Because the damn fly kept moving...

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Monday 7 May 2012 4:30

Number 1's picture fits perfectly with his comment... He doesn't know what he's talking about.

starbucksguy 16

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Monday 7 May 2012 5:07

He probably can't even spell WTF...

Warmonger_Smurf 29

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Monday 5 November 2012 22:59

I love all the idiots above commenting on reading, when they can't. #1's question is vallad. You idiots the op said holeS and dentS as in more then one. So why didn't the op stop his son after the first attempt? Unless he's like the morons above who would just watch, according to their comments.

JD134 24

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Sunday 21 June 2015 1:05

Reading the replies are to #1 are making me lol.

bonjourhello 25

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Thursday 28 January 2016 3:50

#134, maybe OP wasn't home at the time. It's difficult to stop your kid from smashing up the house if you're not around, in my opinion

Idonebeenhad 17

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Monday 7 May 2012 0:57

Your son is an idiot.

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Monday 7 May 2012 2:48

I smashed the truck's windshield "swatting flies" when I was mad. DERP

xXxJaGsTeRxXx 11

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Monday 7 May 2012 4:37

He's not an idiot. He's just a Thor wanna-be.

doctorhook86 24

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Monday 7 May 2012 4:40

I moderated this FML, and the original specified that the son was both young and severely autistic. ...The more you know!

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Monday 7 May 2012 4:55

Hey, now, I often confuse flyswatters and hammers! Explains why it took so long for me to build my house.

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Monday 7 May 2012 5:16

Yeah the son should get screened for trisomy-21 before something else like this happens.

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Monday 7 May 2012 7:38

I believe OP's son is one of the Marvel Heroes, to have left dents in the wall from trying to swat a fly.

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Monday 7 May 2012 15:53

Maybe you shouldnt have dropped him as a child

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Monday 7 May 2012 0:57

If he had actually managed to kill it I would be impressed. I can barely get those things with a fly swatter

fabulosogurlee 7

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Monday 7 May 2012 1:42

Hell... I can't even get those things with a book. Tear =.(

EnterSandman_fml 20

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Monday 7 May 2012 1:45

If you master the art of the Shaolin, you'll be able to catch the fly's legs in your fingers without harming it, then release it in the apartments of those who threaten the Shaolin way.

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Monday 7 May 2012 4:03

I wish:(

Hamo 5

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Monday 7 May 2012 0:57

Only real men use a hammer to swat away flies

BradTheBrony 19

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Monday 7 May 2012 1:54

Really? I snipe them off of sandwiches (I live across the street from a Subway) from my balcony. With a slingshot.

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Monday 7 May 2012 0:58

Did he get it?

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Monday 7 May 2012 2:51

I think the real question is "is it dead?"

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Monday 7 May 2012 3:38

I'm pretty sure that if a fly were to be hit with a hammer it would die.

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Monday 7 May 2012 16:19

Is it still dead then? There are plenty of movies about dead thing no longer being dead and attacking.

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Monday 7 May 2012 1:00

You may need to discuss with your son the difference between a flyswatter and a hammer.

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Monday 7 May 2012 1:01

Did he ever get the fly?

Hamo 5

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Monday 7 May 2012 1:11

This is off topic but I laughed too hard at your picture. I love ika chan

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Monday 7 May 2012 1:01

He takes the trouble to redecorate for you and all you do is complain.

shayshayshazam 14

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Monday 7 May 2012 1:01

Wooo! Real life whack-a-mole! Errr... Whack-a-fly?

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Monday 7 May 2012 1:04

You better get to work with the patches, spackle, and paint.

Nearly

Today I ripped my lovely £50 coat on barbed wire, what I only worn a hand full of times, ended up having to spend £10 to get it repaired, have to wait till Friday to pick it up, it’s only Tuesday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11

You deserved it 14

Today, a tech came to repair my cracked phone screen. He told me to remove my case and took it to his van in my driveway to fix it. Thirty minutes later, he rings my doorbell and hands me my phone back. He says he fixed the screen but tripped and dropped it walking back to my house, and completely shattered the back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68

You deserved it 4

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I spent all day waiting for an unlikely follow up text from the girl from Tinder I let peg me on the first date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 386

You deserved it 1 058

Today, I swear I'm off men for good after my latest dud date wanted me to pee on his chest to turn him on, and we were only 20 minutes into the first date. The entire male gender are disgusting pigs, no matter how nice they pretend to be. FML

I agree, your life sucks 836

You deserved it 1 199