Today, I submitted a poem for my English class. I had fun writing...

By WhyIHateTeachers - 25/6/2015 03:49 - United States - Ormond Beach

Today, I submitted a poem for my English class. I had fun writing it, so I wrote a second which was not nearly as good. My procrastinator of a friend never did his, so I gave him my extra poem. Mine was given a 75% while "his" received a 93%. FML

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Miscellaneous

Instadrama

Cold-blooded old times

Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

By ohmygod582 - 14/4/2014 01:32 - United States - Gilbert

Today, I was walking around school alone and felt someone tap my back. I laughed and turned around to find no one was there. I felt confused when I felt the tapping again, which is when I chose to yell at the nearest person, "What?!" I later found out it was a bottle in my backpack tapping me. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/3/2010 15:24 - United Kingdom

Today, my extremely loud and nocturnal flatmate phoned me to tell me excitedly that he got an accordion for his birthday. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/10/2019 06:00 - United States - San Diego

Happy Halloween?

Today, I saw photos of my roommate a recent party. OK, I'll admit I'm a little dark-skinned, but was it really necessary for him to color his face in black marker so he could go as "me" for a Halloween party? FML

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By freakedout - 11/4/2014 02:32 - United States - Louisa

Today, my neighbor asked to come over and use my laptop. She showed up drunk, grabbed my boobs, and asked if I'd ever had a lesbian experience. We both have husbands and kids; the kids were in the room. FML

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By Noname - 25/2/2009 01:20 - United States

Today, I went to get a condom because my boyfriend and I were going to have sex for the first time. When I opened the drawer, I saw that every single condom had a Jesus pin stabbed through it, and a note on top of the box: "love mom." FML

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By No Action Fighter - 22/8/2011 07:44 - United States

Today, while at my boxing gym, an old man came inside and did the oddest drunk dance in order to serenade me. I'm a fighter and fine with taking punches to the face, but froze in terror at the sight of this. FML

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By booboo300 - 29/4/2019 00:00

Today, I was supposed to have sex with my ex after he’d been out of town for a week. After a lot of build up and sexting last night, I woke up sick and he hurt his leg. It’s like our bodies are telling us not to sleep together. FML

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By zyordz - 27/6/2009 04:12 - Peru

Today, I was working at a soup kitchen with people from my church. Seeing a rather disheveled couple, I told them the line started "over there". Only then did I realize that they were from my church, and were there to help serve soup. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/4/2009 03:10 - United States

Today, I was volunteering at a school, as I walked past the swings these two girls smiled and said "wow, you are so pretty!". I smiled back and said "awww, well thank you!." As I walked past I hear them laughing, "she actually believed us." FML

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By Anonymous - 25/6/2013 04:56 - United States - Houston

Today, I used a public restroom. I saw my sister's shoes walk into the stall next to me, so I gave her a little nudge with my foot. We then nudged each other until I walked out and saw a homeless man with the same shoes as my sister. He then tried to hold my hand. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/3/2013 05:10 - United States - Dalton

Today, I announced to my family that I got accepted into Harvard. My grandma laughed and muttered, "Liar." FML

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By patrickalamo - 14/6/2011 14:23 - United States

Today, while driving in a funeral procession I was distracted, missed my turn and yelled "God dammit!" I'm the funeral director; the Priest was in the car with me as I led the funeral the wrong way. FML

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By Anon - 29/1/2019 02:00

Today, I was working on an art commission for some random kid's OC and I didn't notice that I made the nose look like a man's private parts. The mother was upset and spammed my mailbox. FML

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By BigBadTron - 15/5/2009 17:10 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was sick so I took her 5 year old daughter out to eat. Half-way through our "date" she asks me loudly "Can we go back to the car now and take our clothes off?" Apparently she meant her toy dog's clothes. Face burning, we left a half laughing/half glaring crowd behind. FML

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By asdfghjkl - 10/2/2010 19:20 - United States

Today, after getting home from school, I realized I'd tucked my shirt into my underwear this morning. I'm fairly certain everyone got a good look at my lime green underwear. FML

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By Radgirl - 28/4/2009 02:10 - United States

Today, while on a run off campus with my german shepherd, I tried to impress a couple of hot fraternity guys playing football outside of their house. I broke out into a full sprint. I then got tangled in my dog's leash and fell straight in to a parked jeep knocking myself unconscious. FML

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By Username - 23/11/2010 06:50

Today, I told my boyfriend I wanted to see more of his passionate side. He pushed my head down towards his lap. FML

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By Thefaller - 11/7/2019 16:00

Today, I went to my first university party already a little drunk. I perched on the end of a table to cool off from the dancing and the whole table tipped over and dumped me onto the floor. I was promptly laughed out of the room. FML

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By redriver - 18/6/2018 14:30 - United States

Today, exactly 28 days after I started my last period, I started a new period. This would be perfectly healthy and normal except that my last period was 24 days long. This has happened every month this year. FML

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By ouch - 29/5/2016 23:27 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my wheelchair was delivered. My brother and I were messing around with it when he rolled over my already injured foot. At least surgery is next week. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/7/2016 18:10

Today, I was playing a game with my family where we had to say the name of an actor/actress that started with a certain letter. When I said mine, my dad grounded me because he knew it was a pornstar. Now my mom is mad at my dad for watching porn too. FML

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By Sally - 13/7/2010 09:22 - United States

Today, my parents were ecstatic about sending me to an amazingly fun camp. I didn't know until I got there that it was a fat camp. FML

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By what - 25/9/2013 14:42 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I asked my boyfriend about his views on personal growth. He replied, "What, you mean dick size?" FML

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By Mogg - 18/12/2009 08:42 - Australia

Today, I was at the cinema. There was a really tall woman in front of me and whenever I leaned to the right or left she would lean to the same side I do. Later, she started laughing. They guy next to her was telling her where I moved. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/1/2011 20:28 - United States

Today, I hit a parked car which was sticking out in the road and practically unavoidable. I left a note on the windshield saying, "You deserved to get hit - you park like an asshole." Later I realized that the paper I tore to write on was the back of my bank statement, name and address included. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/12/2009 21:53 - United States

Today, I was running the drive-thru window at work, when a man pulled up with his dog in the seat next to him. As he was counting out his change, the dog leaned over his hand and drooled all over it. Not only did he pay exclusively in coins, those coins were slimy from dog drool. FML

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By Jay - 4/11/2017 04:00

Today, I got called into the principal's office of my son's school. Why? He'd called his teacher a "fudge packer". No more weekends with his uncle. FML

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By Ari - 16/1/2013 06:36

Today, my mother-in-law gave me a bottle of champagne for my birthday. This is the third year in a row she has done this. I'm a recovering alcoholic, and she's well aware of that fact. FML

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By Good Parenting? - 26/6/2015 16:38 - United States - Columbia

Today, my mother woke me up by putting a beer on my face. After 15 minutes of her telling me to "just take a sip" and me rejecting it, I finally did just to shut her up. She then yelled at me for giving in to "peer pressure". FML

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By lover21 - 8/5/2009 23:17 - United States

Today, while working at my tanning salon, a woman came in and I put her in a booth, which are all stand up. After she comes out, I go in to clean it and realize that floor is all wet. I questioned her about it and she replies, "Oh, I peed, that's not a drain?". FML

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By cold - 15/2/2017 10:00 - United States - Phoenix

Gasp

Today, I canceled all my plans because my boyfriend wanted to go on a date. He didn't mean with me. FML

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By DallasGal - 14/2/2012 16:31 - United States

Today, my boyfriend wanted to have Valentine's Day sex. He then remembered it was unlimited pancakes at IHOP. FML

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By MagnusDeus - 7/6/2015 15:46 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I left a concert with my drunk mother who had spilled beer all over my shirt. I drove her home and she slept it off. Later, my mom "found" my shirt in the laundry and grounded me for drinking behind her back. She won't believe me that it was her. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/11/2009 05:05 - Canada

Today, the guy I've been dating texted me to say he joined an online dating site. He must have thought I was the best person to share this information with. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2016 20:16 - United States - Dearborn

Today, I bought a treadmill as part of my goal to get fit for summer. It doesn't look like it's going to get much use, seeing as how I sprained my ankle trying to get it in my doorway. FML

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By freezingggg - 23/9/2011 14:33 - Reserved

Today, like always, my parents are such tightwads that they refused to turn the heating system on, despite the ball-freezing temperatures. I was so cold, I had to resort to warming my hands up over the toaster. FML

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By condom_kid - 27/7/2009 14:34 - United States

Today, my father pulled me aside right before heading off to my girlfriend's house. He said "Next time you have sex, don't leave the tied up condom in its wrapper inside your short's pocket, otherwise your mother might find it again as she's folding laundry." FML

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By Shamu - 27/2/2011 19:28 - United States

Today, I found out my friends call me 'Shamu the whale' behind my back. FML

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By alexis89 - 26/5/2009 16:53 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. Attempting to make things a little more exciting, I said in my sexiest voice "oh yeah, harder." My boyfriend who apparently doesn't like talking dirty, pulled out and angrily said "I was trying, what more do you want?" FML

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By piper55 - 10/5/2019 14:00

Today, for the first time in a month, I talked to someone in person besides my grandmother and my husband. It was a store clerk calling me "Miss" and asking if I was finding everything okay. FML

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Top comments

By Diarrhea_Volcano | 29

#6331667 - Thursday 25 June 2015 11:42

Well maybe next time you'll think twice before helping people who don't want to do their own work.

By abNormal62 | 23

#6331677 - Thursday 25 June 2015 11:45

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Helping your friend
Didn't work out for you!

Comments

By failalltheway | 22

#6331660 - Thursday 25 June 2015 11:40

First

SweetasCandy0609 | 28

#6331693 - Thursday 25 June 2015 12:05

and such a waste of a first comment.

superpoptart | 24

#6331695 - Thursday 25 June 2015 12:06

well hello 2009

sicksadworld1317 | 30

#6331699 - Thursday 25 June 2015 12:13

#1's username actually makes their comment amusing. How accurate.

By MDoremis | 38

#6331661 - Thursday 25 June 2015 11:40

Trust me, it always backfires when you try and help others with their school work by giving them something they didn't have to do.

By rnarshmallow | 21

#6331662 - Thursday 25 June 2015 11:41

Add those two scores together and call it a good day! :D

asgartner | 6

#6332092 - Thursday 25 June 2015 19:43

wtf

wheelchairchick | 11

#6333241 - Saturday 27 June 2015 4:41

but only one will count for them.

By failalltheway | 22

#6331665 - Thursday 25 June 2015 11:41

Sorry about #1. That sucks op. Maybe make your friend give you compensation for such a good grade?

By pengyvan | 21

#6331666 - Thursday 25 June 2015 11:42

Don't ever give someone your work

By Diarrhea_Volcano | 29

#6331667 - Thursday 25 June 2015 11:42

Well maybe next time you'll think twice before helping people who don't want to do their own work.

BantasaurusRex | 13

#6331781 - Thursday 25 June 2015 13:59

That Shrek picture is horrifying...... Kudos

sullysair123 | 19

#6332227 - Thursday 25 June 2015 22:53

31's profile picture shows how I feel about 1's profile picture.

Diarrhea_Volcano | 29

#6332727 - Friday 26 June 2015 10:58

Well I like it

By zilfy | 17

#6331668 - Thursday 25 June 2015 11:42

Surely you should ask him to take you out for lunch.

By gosh_mate | 30

#6331674 - Thursday 25 June 2015 11:44

Never let someone else take credit for your own work!!

By Cads1 | 24

#6331676 - Thursday 25 June 2015 11:45

What is your pint. Your second poem was better than your first. Unlucky you gave the better one to you friend.

AetherFox42 | 16

#6332603 - Friday 26 June 2015 8:11

That IS the point.

By abNormal62 | 23

#6331677 - Thursday 25 June 2015 11:45

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Helping your friend
Didn't work out for you!