Today, my girlfriend dumped me and left me with the responsibility of the turtle that I never wanted but she insisted we buy "together." A little bit of research has revealed that Andre will live for "at least 30 years." FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me for refusing to have anything to do with "our" pet snake. The same snake I told him not to buy for his son a few months ago, because I knew the kid would get bored with it and dump the responsibility onto us. FML
Today, my girlfriend dumped me because I didn't take her pet rock seriously. FML
Today, I bought a turtle after wanting one for years. I was told that he was scared, so he would be put in a box for me to take home. It wasn't until I got to my car that I noticed that they sold me a dead turtle. I'm not getting a refund because they claimed I killed it in less than 5 minutes. FML
Today, my girlfriend dumped me because her dog "told her to". FML
Today, I just came back from the vet. I spent a lot of money on a pet tortoise at the local pet store and it didn't come out of its shell when I bought it. The owner just said it sleeps in the day and it'll be shy for a week or so. Turns out it was dead. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I broke up. He now argues that he should keep the dog. We only dated for three months, and I've had the dog since I was ten. FML
Today, my girlfriend of 3 months broke up with me via text and said she was keeping the cat. I've had the cat since for seven years since she was a kitten. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I don't understand the bond between him and his stuffed goose. He's 36. FML
Today, I had to convince my 20-year-old boyfriend that not only is his aquatic turtle a reptile, but that it's also cold-blooded and thus can't regulate its own temperature just by going into its shell. He still thinks I'm the stupid one. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I dropped our daughter. Our hypothetical daughter. Represented by a stuffed owl. FML
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Top comments
arela 0
give it away give it away give it away now
under_estimated 0
i would just give the turtle away
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Comments (366)
MarkO_fml 0
I swear. Sometimes I think people just have no imagination. If you really want to get back at her, offer to give it back to her. Let her know that if she doesn't want it, you're going to let it go in the storm drain. If she doesn't take it, just man up and keep it. The point is to make her feel responsible for it's certain "demise". I did that with a chihuahua that my ex had to have but felt like she was going to stick me with later. When she called a couple of days later, I told her I gave it to the pound. She once worked for a shelter and knew that most of the adult dogs wound up being euthanized. She also knew I hated the thing. A mutual friend said she cried for 2 days until I called her and told her I found the dog at the shelter if she still wanted it. It was out of my house by sundown. When someone tries to screw you over, the best revenge is to hit them where they'll feel it.
Soitgoes74 0
Give it away. Or give it to a pet shop. Don't hurt it though. But what kind of weird girlfriend wants to buy a turtle together? Why not a cat or a dog or something? Anyway FYL
UseTheFrags 0
FTTL. **** the turtle's life for being called Andre.
coonie1 0
That made me laugh LOL
souljahboysgay 0
Hey my name's Andre! As a fellow Andre i give u permission to do the following: buy a 12 gauge, blow that ****** to pieces, put them on ya girl's doorstep and leave a note saying "i left u ur turtle"
24788 7
I'll take the turtle.
Makinitez 0
Stop caring about the turtle, RAWR!!
HELLOASHLEYLYNN 0
wow. turtles last soo dang long. give andre to someone who doesn't mind taking care of him! and sorry about the break up! :(
Jaguaress 2
See if your local zoo or animal rehab place will take him. (e.g.: My brother's friend donated his python to a wildlife center.) Also check with veterinarians who work with reptiles, because many will take in unwanted animals. Turtles are not good pets, and unless you know that it's a native species, releasing it into the wild will either cause it to die a slow, painful death, or it could live and cause harm to the local native species.
anditsashlee 0
Sell it obviously