Love: Today, my girlfriend dumped me because her dog "told her to".... - FML

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44

You deserved it 3

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55

You deserved it 100

Spicy

Spicy

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Spicy

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 564

You deserved it 92

Grind mindset

By MyStomachHurts - 15/10/2021 05:00

Spicy

Today, my boss wrote me up for taking too many bathroom breaks. I tried calling in sick with a bad case of indigestion, but he told me to just power through it because, "it can't possibly be that bad." I have been in severe, persistent discomfort the whole damn day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 572

You deserved it 40

27/07/2015 18:55

Today, my girlfriend dumped me because her dog "told her to". FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 682

You deserved it 2 871

Late term

You tried

Stop talking!

23/10/2009 04:47

Today, I threw a paper ball into a recycling bin backwards. I don't know whats more sad: the fact that that was my highlight of my life, or I had been attempting to make that shot every day for 3 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 870

You deserved it 7 138

10/06/2016 14:28

Spicy

Today, I was rubbing my dog's belly. My wife came in and thought I was jerking him off. She wouldn't believe my explanation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 578

You deserved it 1 107

24/10/2012 10:51

Today, I went to the bar I've always gone to after work for the past 12 years. On arrival, I got banned for life, punched in the nose and thrown out. The barmaid comes out and says, "Sorry, wrong guy." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 214

You deserved it 1 882

29/05/2015 18:28

Today, my girlfriend bought two tickets for a cruise to the Bahamas. Too bad the second ticket isn't for me. I guess her ex-boyfriend will have a wonderful time with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 923

You deserved it 2 389

06/05/2017 02:20

Spicy

Today, as I was pulling out of my apartment complex, I was rear-ended. When I got out of my car to see how bad the damage was, I wondered why the other guy wasn't getting out of his. As it turns out, he was busy pleasing himself. I found out when I approached his car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 816

You deserved it 433

23/10/2013 15:42

Today, my girlfriend of a year denied in front of everyone that we ever dated. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 876

You deserved it 5 010

18/11/2016 00:07

Today, I got bitten at work. Not by a patient's mouth, but by the false teeth they were holding in their hand as they clamped down on my arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 764

You deserved it 597

20/03/2015 21:23

Today, I had to bail my drunk dad out of jail after he beat the shit out of a mime artist. All he had to say on the matter was "Fucking bastard was playing mind games." and that he'd beat him up again if he could. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 563

You deserved it 2 436

08/11/2010 10:32

Today, I was told that I look like a cross between Roger Federer and Neil Patrick Harris. Apparently I have a big forehead and a squished face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 744

You deserved it 3 294

10/12/2011 23:56

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend forced me to climb out through his window, because he was too embarrassed at the thought of his room-mate finding out I'd spent the night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 734

You deserved it 5 468

Realization

By Eyal - 20/08/2021 17:01

Today, after always thinking I wasn't ugly just fat, I've lost 30kg and it now turns out I was wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 849

You deserved it 98

Modern Family

By Wtffmlfs - 26/09/2019 04:01

Today, I dawned on me that my step-dad, who cheated on and is now divorcing my mom, is my favorite family member. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 347

You deserved it 155

25/11/2009 13:56

Today, my girlfriend of almost a year, and to whom I intended to propose on Thanksgiving, dumped me because her husband will be returning from Iraq soon. And he wants to have a "talk" with me. I didn't know she was married. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 188

You deserved it 3 857

30/10/2012 19:34

Today, I found my fiancé is cheating on me. Our wedding is in 26 days and everything is already paid for. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 601

You deserved it 2 612

14/06/2013 22:12

Today, my son visited for the first time in three years, asking to stay a while. It turns out he insulted someone online and gave his address in case they wanted to fight him. They accepted the offer, and so my son's imaginary Muay Thai skills went AWOL, along with his testicles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 923

You deserved it 4 912

26/04/2014 16:39

Today, my dog proudly brought home a rabbit he'd killed. The same rabbit that belongs to my neighbor's daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 236

You deserved it 4 620

07/12/2010 11:08

Today, I was trying to go to sleep when I heard my sister come home from the bar. I fell asleep and woke up an hour later to see my sister squatting in my dresser drawer. I asked her what she was doing and she said "I'm peeing." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 082

You deserved it 2 761

07/11/2008 14:18

Today, I dropped my keys in the drain. Thankfully, my new flat mate generously offered his help to reach the keys via flower pot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 280

You deserved it 4 555

21/04/2009 14:39

Today, I was playing guitar on the sidewalk and had my guitar case open for tips. A man came up with a folded piece of green paper, smiled and walked away. After I was finished, I looked at my tips. I unfolded the paper, it was a note that said "You suck!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 903

You deserved it 11 430

09/06/2011 01:24

Today, I was under a building overhang to avoid getting drenched by the rain while waiting for the bus. Apparently that corner is notorious for drug dealing, I found this out when a man angrily demanded his drugs and chased me half a block. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 569

You deserved it 3 385

26/06/2014 04:03

Today, my boyfriend told me he wants to marry me and be the father of my children. Five minutes later, he told me he wants to experience death. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 499

You deserved it 5 203

08/04/2016 23:39

Today, my 4-year-old brother has a very strict 8:30 PM bedtime. Since I would have to walk past his door to get to the rest of the house, I'm not allowed to leave my room past that time, lest I tempt him to get up too. I can't even go to the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 478

You deserved it 1 650

05/06/2015 12:21

Today, I was sick, and my voice was really low and raspy. A cute guy smiled at me and said hi, so I said hi too. He looked shocked and said, "Sorry bro, thought you were a girl." I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 455

You deserved it 2 274

12/11/2013 19:12

Today, my boyfriend's ex moved into the apartment beneath us. She's already called the cops on us for a noise complaint twice. We were sleeping. It's going to be a long year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 483

You deserved it 2 745

16/02/2009 06:41

Today, I took a friend out for what I thought was date. After dinner was over and I paid, she pulled the bill out and wrote her name phone number on it for the waiter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 317

You deserved it 3 635

07/08/2009 00:45

Today, I went to visit teachers at the high school I graduated from 3 months ago as valedictorian. Turns out, I had an expired parking permit, and I didn't properly get a visitor pass. The school went into a "yellow lockdown" because of me. My car was towed. I got arrested for trespassing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 283

You deserved it 8 965

27/10/2012 12:43

Today, I was writing out palm cards and didn't know if I'd spelled a word correctly, so I stared at it for about 10 seconds waiting for spell check to tell me if it was right or not before I realised I was writing on paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 712

You deserved it 34 669

07/03/2010 02:38

Spicy

Today, I went to Starbucks to use the bathroom. After I knocked on the door, and turned the handle, this little old lady rips the door open and goes "I WAS TAKING A DUMP. YOU WANNA COME IN AND WIPE MY SHIT? DO YOU?!" and then continued to ask me the same question for five minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 754

You deserved it 4 504

02/06/2011 02:48

Today, I had to be an observer for a drug test at work. Me and two others got to watch 130 guys take a piss, and then leave work two hours later than everyone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 108

You deserved it 2 781

Get out

By Anonymous - 23/09/2020 14:01

Today, my boyfriend tried to break up with me again, and actually offered me gas money so that I would leave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 491

You deserved it 1 823

16/09/2012 19:48

Today, I was shopping with my boyfriend, when he suggested that I might want to buy a new loofah. When I asked why, he admitted he's been using it to scrub his ass crack for weeks. I use that loofah to wash my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 641

You deserved it 2 754

28/01/2015 22:20

Today, I fell asleep curling my bangs. I now look like Mrs. Potato head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 267

You deserved it 13 216

26/12/2014 14:58

Today, I went paintballing with my girlfriend and her family. Her dad ended up shooting me, and I doubled over in pain. I thought that was it, until he stepped back and shot me several more times in the stomach. "Just double-tapping," he smirked. More like quadruple-tapping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 728

You deserved it 3 632

20/07/2013 06:31

Today, I announced my first pregnancy to my family. Not to be outdone, my sister immediately announced that she "might" be getting pregnant soon. My family ended up congratulating her instead, and asked me if I would plan the baby shower. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 792

You deserved it 3 334

18/05/2009 16:46

Today, the man I was going to dinner with got me the most expensive necklace. We got to the table he had reserved when his friend comes and sits with us. Somehow the subject of getting it on comes up. My date then says "expensive jewelry - one way ticket to her pants". FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 919

You deserved it 6 687

03/01/2010 16:04

Today, I woke up on the coldest morning of the year to discover that the gas fireplace has run out of propane, and there is no water because the pipes are frozen. While trying to locate the frozen pipe, I forgot to let the dog out, and she peed on the carpet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 028

You deserved it 5 462

07/02/2009 05:44

Today, I had a meeting at work. My boss was there as well as her boss, and a few other managers and directors. We started discussing politics in the context of our latest project. I tried to say "erratic election". I almost succeeded. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 445

You deserved it 5 811

05/04/2014 23:16

Today, I had to take a drug test for a new job. I ended up spilling the cup of pee all over myself. I had to explain what had happened, then go sit in a waiting room full of disgusted-looking people, while I kept drinking water to fill my bladder back up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 332

You deserved it 6 409

29/01/2010 02:01

Today, I was skiing really fast and there was a sign saying 'Slow Down'. Feeling rather good about myself I decided to jump over the sign. Whilst jumping, however, I caught my ski tips on the sign and went face first into the ground. Hard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 222

You deserved it 55 396

This guy grudges

By PocketTrash - 20/03/2020 21:00

Today, my dad is still mad because I tossed his empty coffee can over 3 days ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 332

You deserved it 210

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Tuesday 28 July 2015 0:07

They will always find excuses .. My ex girlfriend broke up with me because marriage was going to be hard for us , we were 16 .. No sense

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Tuesday 28 July 2015 0:08

Count yourself lucky, then. Do you really want to be subjected to that kind of crazy for any longer?

Comments

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Tuesday 28 July 2015 0:07

They will always find excuses .. My ex girlfriend broke up with me because marriage was going to be hard for us , we were 16 .. No sense

friedpwnadge 25

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Tuesday 28 July 2015 0:09

Maybe OP's gf did it because she's a huge bitch who doesn't have the guts to take responsibility for her own actions.

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Tuesday 28 July 2015 0:12

My sophomore year boyfriend dumped me because he saw "Signs of doom" in his poop.. People are so weird.

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Tuesday 28 July 2015 0:43

Be thankful you no longer have to deal with that #13. I don't even know how to comprehend someone telling me that for ANY reason whatsoever let alone a breakup.

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Tuesday 28 July 2015 0:46

#29, it was so weird. He sent a photo and everything. But i agree. Im glad it didn't go any further.

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Tuesday 28 July 2015 0:49

But one day u will think about it and will be happy that it ended like that , didint go any farther that what I feel now .

False_Stupidity 41

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Tuesday 28 July 2015 2:07

So, you were dumped because of a dump 13.... Makes sense.

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Tuesday 28 July 2015 5:08

So he's one of those poop enthusiasts? Never understood the people who take pictures of their shit and get excited about how it looks, must be from the positive reinforcement of potty training.

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Tuesday 28 July 2015 7:05

I've never been told a legitimate excuse when I've been dumped. Maybe I should stop dating inconsiderate, crazy, dumb girls. I'm moving on from the minor leagues!

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Tuesday 28 July 2015 7:12

#1 that could be a FML actually

flyingvagina 12

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Tuesday 28 July 2015 9:33

I remember voting for something like this on the moderation page, #94

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Tuesday 28 July 2015 9:47

#92 - I looked at your picture, saw your shadow with the afro, was gonna ask if you had one, remembered your username.

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Tuesday 28 July 2015 11:04

My first boyfriend broke up with me because he thought I was cheating on him, I wasn't, but he'd been cheating on me for a few months. Not only that but he was cheating on me with my best friend..

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Tuesday 28 July 2015 22:17

Sounds like he was full of crap...otherwise how would he know about Signs of Doom?

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Tuesday 28 July 2015 0:07

She may have found her calling as an animal psychic.

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Tuesday 28 July 2015 0:14

Shes an animal psychotic*

MrSassypants 32

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Tuesday 28 July 2015 0:45

She could be the next Dr. Dolittle, or her dog just happens to be Wilfred.

psychopolarbear 28

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Tuesday 28 July 2015 5:09

If my dog told me to dump a guy, I'd take her advice XD I mean, let's be honest, my bitch would never do anything she didn't think would be beneficial to me…well, other than eating my pillow or peeing on the carpet >.> In all seriousness, I'm sorry for you, bud. Good luck finding a woman who isn't crazy haha

extinct_dodo 18

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Tuesday 28 July 2015 16:50

Well..... Shite!

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Tuesday 28 July 2015 0:07

Makes you question the phrase "Man's best friend".

Eyalsh 32

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Tuesday 28 July 2015 2:23

well, he got him to get rid of a crazy girlfriend! if that's not a friend, idk who is.

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Tuesday 28 July 2015 0:08

Count yourself lucky, then. Do you really want to be subjected to that kind of crazy for any longer?

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Tuesday 28 July 2015 0:16

What if dogs talk when humans aren't around and OPs girlfriend is the first person they are interacting with? I bet you never considered that.

Eyalsh 32

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Tuesday 28 July 2015 2:24

yeah, let's also start treating dr.dolittle as a documentary :D

AurumPotestasEst 16

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Wednesday 29 July 2015 6:04

She sounds like the Son of Sam...

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Tuesday 28 July 2015 0:08

Is that really a lose then?

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Tuesday 28 July 2015 0:08

I guess old dogs can learn new tricks

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Tuesday 28 July 2015 0:09

Maybe he did, where's the proof he didn't.

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Tuesday 28 July 2015 1:09

Where's the proof he did?

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Friday 31 July 2015 5:27

That's like asking for proof of God, you can't disprove it because it's all in their head, but at the same time you don't need to, because it's not hard to tell it's a crock of shit if you think about it.

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Tuesday 28 July 2015 0:10

Sounds like you got off easy. I know its sad but now you can find someone slightly less crazy and who likes you. Give it time dear.

dragoongirl90 34

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Tuesday 28 July 2015 0:11

Just be happy that you're free of the nut job.

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Tuesday 28 July 2015 0:12

All the excuses under the sun and she has to use her dog. What a bitch move.

False_Stupidity 41

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Tuesday 28 July 2015 2:09

Nice pun. Shame others didn't see it, or didn't find it funny.