Kids: Today, I walked in on my 14-year-old son apparently practicing... - FML

By The fuck, junior? - Canada - Gatineau

Today, I walked in on my 14-year-old son apparently practicing his oral sex skills on the crotch of one of his sister's Barbie dolls. FML

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Rock, hard place

Breaking Badly

Jonah begs to differ

By motorboatofdoom - 30/3/2020 05:00

Nice way to go, really

Today, I learned that my girlfriend is terrified of me seeing her sex faces, so she violently squished my face between her boobs during sex. I then had a severe asthma attack because I couldn't breathe properly. FML

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By inosehowthatgotthere - United States

Today, the woman giving me a manicure found a booger under one of my fingernails. FML

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By spoiled22 - United Kingdom

Today, I was trying to change the batteries of my automatic room freshener. As I held it to my face to figure out where the batteries went, it started spraying on my face. FML

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By littlepeepboo

You want a piece of me?

Today my boyfriend tried to be sexy and rip off my underwear. Instead, he bit a chunk out of my hip. FML

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By S

Today, the district manager visited. Also today, I got called into the office to talk about "personal hygiene". The assistant store manager asked me if I had some kind of medical problem and advised me to shower regularly because my co-workers have been making comments. FML

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By FUUUUCK - United Kingdom

Today, I was Skyping with a guy I'm really into. I'm not supposed to Skype at night, so when I heard my mum coming, I minimized the window. She walked in before I could mute my mic and started bitching me out for flushing my tampons down the toilet. FML

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By Anonymous - Brazil

Today, my long-distance boyfriend was at my house for a 10-day visit. He told me that we'd never spent so much time together, so he didn't know me well and now, he'd finally met the "real me". He doesn't like it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I called and went downtown after the city incorrectly issued fines against my property and threatened jail time for violating city ordinances, not paying fines, and not filing permits. They told me that, until fines are paid, they cannot correct a thing even though they got the address wrong. FML

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By BrokeAndSad - United States - Columbus

Today, I lost hundreds of dollars in gift cards. Robbed? No. Mugged? Don't think so. My roommate threw them away after he got water on them, thinking that it rendered them unusable. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after me and my boyfriend had pretty much amazing sex, he took off the condom and started swinging it back and forth, all while making the sounds of a clock and saying, "You are getting sleepy." FML

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By embarrassed

Today, I auditioned for a part in a play. I've been practicing for months, and was very excited. After I finished singing, the director whispered something to the other judges, and they all laughed. Hard. So much for the lead role. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I walked in on my dad introducing his stuffed gorilla to his cat. FML

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By klee - Canada

Today, my boyfriend and I were cuddling in bed. After looking at me for a while he said, "you look better when I'm not wearing my contacts". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I'm travelling across the country with my family. My grandma thought it would be a good idea to take her shoes off. It's been 5 minutes and my eyes are watering from the stench. We still have over 200 miles left until we get home. FML

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By FML - United Kingdom

Today, my dad drove me to work which is an hour away. 20 minutes into the job, I was told 'Didn't we tell you last week? We let you go.' Clearly, no, they didn't. I had to wait one awkward hour, with my colleagues who knew I was fired before I did, for my dad to collect me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my dad yelled at me for buying chunky peanut butter. He wanted smooth. Apparently he's "allergic to peanuts." I had to explain to him why his argument made no sense. FML

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By reallyhighschool - United States - Torrance

Today, I got nominated to sit in a chair in the middle of the gym during a high school rally while the entire school got to throw paper balls at me. FML

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By notahomewrecker - United States

Today, I got a call from the guy I'd been seeing for a few weeks. It was his wife calling to find out what was going on with us. He told me he was separated. He left his kids home alone to hook up with me. FML

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By schooyou101 - United States - Prairie Village

Today, my crazy psychopath of a neighbor sent me an email with the subject, "So, about your sex life." I've been sitting here for 20 minutes staring at it because I'm too scared to open it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Jacinto

Today, while at a party playing Truth or Dare, I found out my best friend fantasizes about having sex with my 51 year old mother. The rest of the guys at the party then nodded in agreement and thus spawned a group conversation about how "screwable" my mom is. FML

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By *sneeze*

Today, it's my wife's birthday. Since I had work, I gave her $200 to spend on herself and left. When I came back with dinner and the movie she wanted, I found her with a dog. She is very attached to him because the shelter was going to put him down. I love him, but I'm allergic to dogs. FML

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By bf - Canada - London

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time. Dinner was going well until her dad secretly fed the asparagus to the dog under the table, and then "discovered" what a childish thing I had done. My girlfriend believed him. FML

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By Anonymous Baker

Today, I got a write-up because I told my boss that it was impossible to have pies, which have a bake time of 1 hour, ready for a customer who wanted them in the next 15 to 20 minutes. Then, when the customer got there and the pies were still in the oven, I got a second write-up for wasting time. FML

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By horselover7766 - United States - Sewell

Today, my brother and I were shoveling mulch. He pushed me in and then ran away, laughing hysterically. I was stuck in the mulch, and no one would help. I was literally in deep shit. FML

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By Banker - United States

Today, I interviewed for a call center job making $13/hr, the only job where they called back. I used to live in a doorman luxury apartment in Manhattan with a prime skyline view and clubhouse. That was last month. FML

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By StupidCar - United States

Today, I spent 600 dollars to have my brakes fixed on my car, they weren't squeaking. I got my car back and now the brakes squeal and my air conditioning won't work. I just spent 600 dollars to break my car even more. FML

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By abigiggles

Today, a spider came down from its web in front of my face. This would have been fine and I could have killed it easily if I wasn't in my car. Driving on the highway. I cried. FML

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By nemesis5196523 - United States - Ogden

Today, I got the ending to Breaking Bad spoiled for me by a cashier while I was buying the final season box-set. FML

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By Anon - United Kingdom

Today, I was at a mall. A woman stopped by me, said slowly and loudly, in Spanish "baño?" Knowing a bit of Spanish, I nodded and pointed the restrooms out for her. She then mutters about "dang Mexicans and their inability to speak English". I'm not even Latina. I'm Irish-American. FML

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By ohcrap - United States

Today, my son drew in Sharpie all over the wall, so I spanked him as punishment. When my boss came over for dinner, my son shouted, "Daddy made me take my punishment in the butt." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Regina

Today, I found out the girl I met online, who I spent hours talking to every day for the past 2 months, and who I fell in love with is actually my gay roomate. He says if I could fall in love with "her", I can fall in love with him. It doesn't work that way, dickhead. FML

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By not sexy anymore - 28/7/2020 05:01

Get on with it!

Today, my boyfriend asked why I’ve been so grumpy lately. When I told him it’s because our relationship has been severely lacking in intimacy, he sighed heavily and said, “Ugh, fine, let’s just get it over with!” Gee, thanks babe. FML

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By Neednewfriends - Australia

Today, I found out that my "friends" only invite me to their parties when they need a designated driver. Apparently I'm "not fun" because I don't drink, which "ruins the party". FML

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By NoCirculation - 24/11/2020 14:03 - Netherlands - Utrecht

Thermoregulation wars

Today, my boyfriend is wearing a t-shirt and shorts. I'm wearing leggings, sweatpants, a vest, t-shirt, jumper and hoodie. If we turn the heating any higher, he starts overheating and sweating. At the current level, I'm still shivering. FML

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By Fatty - United States

Today, I was excited about my friend going wedding dress shopping. Before I went to go work out, I decided to try on a prom dress from high school to remember what it felt like to get dressed up. It was too tight, I broke the zipper, and spent 45 minutes trapped before I cut myself out. FML

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By Miki13 - Canada - Whitby

Today, I had dinner with my grandparents. At the table, my grandfather openly complained about how hard it is for him to get out of their hot tub. Not because of his prosthetic leg, but because his balls somehow "get stuck". I really didn't need to know that. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Panora

Today, I took an online IQ test, even though I knew they give everyone unrealistically high scores. My score was 73. FML

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By Z3R0G5 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, my dog found out how to turn my Xbox off. So whenever he wants attention, guess what he does. FML

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By shilpajayseanfan - Canada

Today, I drove into my school. Literally drove into my school. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out my dad spent most of the $500 I earned from mowing lawns on an Xbox 360 for himself. He was the one who encouraged me to put the money in the bank for college and to learn responsibility. I'm 14 years old. He's 37. FML

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Top comments

By JustAnotherKid4U | 5

#5567681 - Saturday 6 July 2013 5:06

At least hes making an effort to learn!

By dinosxxrawr | 22

#5567683 - Saturday 6 July 2013 5:07

hopefully he knows real girls won't be that tiny.

COMMENTS

By JustAnotherKid4U | 5

#5567681 - Saturday 6 July 2013 5:06

At least hes making an effort to learn!

Reply

mikailanicole98 | 11

#5567891 - Saturday 6 July 2013 6:52

I hope Ken feels the same way..

Reply

BaselxD | 8

#5568019 - Saturday 6 July 2013 9:47

where else to learn anyways xD

Reply

hemz_fml | 13

#5568263 - Saturday 6 July 2013 16:35

Just imagine how he feels

Reply

phoneYuNOlisten | 16

#5568702 - Saturday 6 July 2013 23:32

Next FML: "Today, I was practicing eating out of a girl by using one of my sister's Barbie dolls. My mom walked in. FML"

Reply

archnarquibquib | 21

#5569034 - Sunday 7 July 2013 5:52

#114- OP is male...

By dinosxxrawr | 22

#5567683 - Saturday 6 July 2013 5:07

hopefully he knows real girls won't be that tiny.

Reply

LissaMccracken | 23

#5567752 - Saturday 6 July 2013 5:26

I should hope that'd be obvious...

Reply

ShyAnn29 | 14

#5567763 - Saturday 6 July 2013 5:33

23, sadly, you never know these days!

Reply

margojill | 13

#5567926 - Saturday 6 July 2013 7:34

Maybe it was one of those life size Barbies?

Reply

emilyjgraham | 34

#5568036 - Saturday 6 July 2013 11:04

Hopefully he knows real vaginas don't look like a mound of skin and nothing else!!

Reply

LeFrogDog | 27

#5568199 - Saturday 6 July 2013 15:55

*takes notes

By BromineAddict | 7

#5567685 - Saturday 6 July 2013 5:07

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

xlord | 27

#5567758 - Saturday 6 July 2013 5:29

*Looks at #3's picture. PLEASE USE CONDOMS WHEN YOU HAVE SEX.

Reply

fischerxx | 10

#5568663 - Saturday 6 July 2013 22:44

Cotton Hill. That's who.

By Doritozilla | 20

#5567692 - Saturday 6 July 2013 5:09

Why does this remind me of Adam Sandler!?!

Reply

pokemonchick14 | 12

#5567750 - Saturday 6 July 2013 5:24

Uhh, I honestly have no idea. Anybody else?

Reply

GoodLookingGeese | 10

#5568477 - Saturday 6 July 2013 20:30

"Are you talking to me? Are you talking to ME?"

By StanSmith2013 | 26

#5567694 - Saturday 6 July 2013 5:10

Gotta start somewhere...right? Hopefully he doesn't have a doll fetish.

Reply

carnage45567 | 10

#5567954 - Saturday 6 July 2013 8:07

Practice makes perfect

By Madzobrk | 3

#5567695 - Saturday 6 July 2013 5:10

hey, he is just curious. im sure his future girlfriend will appreciate the effort

Reply

SkyGuy32 | 17

#5567734 - Saturday 6 July 2013 5:20

Well I think the solution for curiosity about that is porn. Not licking a Barbie doll's crotch.

Reply

emilyjgraham | 34

#5568037 - Saturday 6 July 2013 11:06

Porn is rather unrealistic most of the time so no, don't use it to learn! I know a barbie isn't real or anything but that's better than porn!

Reply

Axel5238 | 29

#5568058 - Saturday 6 July 2013 12:12

To be fair if you take porn with a grain of salt and use some common sense it can be good as a teaching experience. Too many guys try to replicate everything they see and it doesn't work.

By spekledworf | 18

#5567697 - Saturday 6 July 2013 5:10

Give him one of those cream filled chocolate eggs and tell him to lick the filling out. I think he's better off learning that way

Reply

illegalbeagle69 | 23

#5568125 - Saturday 6 July 2013 14:00

Or a pudding cup with no spoon..

Reply

jessBeAqueen | 13

#5568835 - Sunday 7 July 2013 1:51

lmao #8 thats a first for me. I now feel the urge to runnout and get one of those eggs

By summer_2k13 | 8

#5567698 - Saturday 6 July 2013 5:10

Practice makes perfect

By DocBastard | 38

#5567701 - Saturday 6 July 2013 5:11

Wait wait wait, Barbie isn't "anatomically correct"! What the hell was he licking?

I feel sorry for the first girl he actually tries it on. He's going to be shocked when he sees all the different parts.

Reply

Sinistra_Blue | 12

#5568711 - Saturday 6 July 2013 23:45

"Why do you have a hole in there? Is that a birth defect?"

By buddy51 | 23

#5567708 - Saturday 6 July 2013 5:13

Giggity!!!

Reply

ShakeDisPlace | 10

#5567889 - Saturday 6 July 2013 6:50

Don't worry #11 I gave you a thumbs up! haha

Reply

illegalbeagle69 | 23

#5568126 - Saturday 6 July 2013 14:01

Don't worry, I made sure you had the same amount of thumbs down..