Today, I walked in on my 14-year-old son apparently practicing... - FML

By The fuck, junior? - 5/7/2013 22:45 - Canada - Gatineau

Today, I walked in on my 14-year-old son apparently practicing his oral sex skills on the crotch of one of his sister's Barbie dolls. FML

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Fear factor

Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

Creepy

By Light Sleeper - 14/10/2012 04:24 - United States - Evansville

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend trying to initiate sex with me in my sleep. He confessed to thinking that if he did it lightly enough, I'd think I was just dreaming. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2011 20:35 - United States

Today, I found out I have an abscess in my bellybutton which causes me extreme pain and discomfort when I sit down. I am a receptionist. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/6/2015 12:42 - United States - Huntingtown

Today, my neighbor's son siphoned the fuel out of my lawn mower and put it in his car. What he didn't realize is that the fuel mixture I use in my lawn mower would ruin his car engine. His dad says it's my fault and actually insists I should pay his pissant son's repair bill. FML

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By looking4newvenue - 23/2/2015 20:49 - United States

Today, my wedding venue called and canceled our reservation because we were double booked with a spaghetti bingo night, which they felt was more important. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/2/2016 11:06 - United States - Maryville

Today, I got hit by a stray cantaloupe. That's not a typo. I hate my neighbors' kids with a burning passion. FML

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By FFS - 6/5/2018 01:30

Today, my mother has taken her drug paranoia to a new level. She threw away an open but nearly full bag of dried mint because she's sure I emptied and refilled the bag with marijuana to hide it from her. She then tried to ground me in my own house in front of my wife and daughter. FML

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By crazygirl - 15/12/2010 02:18 - Canada

Today, I went to a work party where we had a Secret Santa. I gave a nice set of beer bottles with glasses. When my name was called I naturally picked the biggest gift. I got groceries. I now have dog food and men's body spray. I don't have a boyfriend or a dog. FML

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By anonymous - 26/6/2012 06:05 - United States - Ridgewood

Today, I slammed my middle finger in a drawer. I screamed and my mom came running into the kitchen. She asked me what was wrong, so without thinking I stuck up my middle finger. She hasn't spoken to me since this morning. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/9/2013 23:20 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my 16-year-old daughter burned all her baby photos because they were unflattering and made her "look fat". FML

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By Fish - 7/4/2017 02:00

Today, following the advice of not putting my wallet in my back pocket, I put my wallet in my jacket's chest pocket. I lost my jacket. FML

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By kissandcontrol01 - 10/10/2015 04:22 - United States - Hanford

Today, I decided to take a well-deserved shower. When I let my hair down, twenty six cents fell onto the floor. I have no idea how they got there. FML

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By not a boy toy - 31/3/2017 22:00

Today, I attended the will reading of the old lady who accidentally ran me over with her car years ago. I was affectionately mentioned and was left with something rather substantial. I had to listen through all that while getting evil leers and silently judged by family members who got squat. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2014 05:51 - United States - Hicksville

Today, my girlfriend sent me a bunch of sexy pics and said to come over to her place. I thought she was in the mood for sex. Nope, she just wanted me to come over and hang a shelf, after which she sent me back home. FML

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By irulan - 14/1/2020 03:00 - United Kingdom - London

Single shot

Today, I farted so loudly in bed and I woke up my husband. Startled, he thought that someone was entered in our room and fired a shot. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/5/2013 20:12 - United States

Today, I called my mother to tell her that I got engaged. In the 15 minute conversation that followed, 13 were spent listening to how this is going to affect her. FML

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By anonymiss - 13/4/2009 16:12 - Canada

Today, half asleep, I dropped my pill before I could take it. I quickly picked it up and washed it down. Five hours later, I just found my pill on the ground. What did I swallow? FML

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2016 17:31

Today, my elderly coworker was telling me about a long-lost friend, so I helped her use the Internet to look the friend up. We found her. Specifically, her obituary. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/5/2017 12:00

Today, the first thing my fiancé did when he walked in the door was to loudly announce all the hot kinky stuff he was about to do to me on the kitchen table. Unfortunately for him my dad, mother and both my brothers had just dropped in for a visit and heard every word he said. FML

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By WorryNot - 29/12/2016 01:22 - United States - Prescott

Today, I accidentally left a small but very important piece of my breast pump at home. Only ten more hours until the end of my shift. FML

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By Alice - 30/8/2015 12:13 - United States - Logan

Today, I met my fiancé's much older sister for the first time. Turns out she is actually my old high school English teacher who used to make me cry at least 3 times a week. It's been three hours and I've accidentally called her Miss Willow 4 times and been reduced to tears twice. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/3/2015 08:55 - United Kingdom - Aberdeen

Today, I overheard my dickhead dad telling my girlfriend she's too good for me, then asking if she wants to settle for someone like me. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/8/2012 13:31 - United States - Newberry

Today, I was talking to my husband about how I wanted our marriage to improve and not just be sex all the time. In the middle of my sentence, he asked for a blow job. FML

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By - 25/1/2020 18:00

Please do it

Today, it was my last day with my boyfriend before he went to college. At the store, he got a huge box of condoms. When I asked why he was getting so many, he said they were for the girls he meets at college. He then asked me to steal them for him. FML

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By jennahh - 10/7/2019 22:00

Today, I had a sexual dream about my ex, and I woke up after saying his name. My boyfriend was awake, and heard all the dirty talk and me moaning my ex-boyfriend's name. FML

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By AwkwardPotato - 2/7/2013 02:37 - United States - Bakersfield

Today, my mom signed me up for a swimming class to show my sister there's nothing to be afraid of. Considering I'm 17, I assumed I'd be in an advanced class. Instead, I get to spend summer blowing bubbles in the shallow end with four-year-olds as my little sister cheers me on from the steps. FML

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By JG - 10/5/2012 11:48 - United States - Melbourne

Today, my friend thought it would be funny to announce to the class that I finally got a girlfriend. I received a standing ovation. FML

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By Noname - 12/3/2009 09:06 - Philippines

Today, I was running late for work so instead of walking the ten minutes to the office, I took a taxi. The driver took the opportunity to share the story of his first sexual experience with a man. In great detail. FML

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By anikah - 1/6/2014 21:53 - United States - Natchitoches

Today, I gave up trying to make any friends at my job as a firefighter. I'm the lone female, and am the subject of gossip with the older men. Anyone I try to befriend ends up hitting on me, while others won't even talk to me because their wives are jealous. FML

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By Disney - 18/2/2011 22:29 - United States

Today, I found out that to save on expenses, my wife booked a very small hotel room for ourselves and the kids while we visit Disney World. I've been officially cockblocked by Mickey Mouse. FML

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By - 16/2/2020 14:00

Oh gosh

Today, I noticed a strange mark on the inside of my mouthwash bottle. As I was bending down to investigate, my hands tightened around the bottle and mouthwash squirted in my eye. It still burns. FML

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By Knittedbirch - 14/11/2016 02:36

Today, my mom volunteered me to house-sit for one of her friends. This lady has texted me over ten times in less than 24 hours, called me unreasonable for not dropping jury duty to meet with her, and has messaged my mom multiple times to complain about me. My mom already said I would do this for free. FML

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By jaleesadavis21 - 18/10/2011 13:25 - United States

Today, while I was in the shower, my older brother thought it would be funny to change the language on my phone to Serbo-Croatian. I don't know how and can't change it back. FML

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By -_- - 29/3/2011 02:22 - United States

Today, I was walking in the park with my girlfriend, when out of nowhere, I was savaged and brutally humped into submission by a massive Great Dane. Not only did my girlfriend watch it all, but the dog's owner took the time to snap a few pictures with his phone. Neither bothered to help me. FML

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By Awesome - 17/8/2011 00:05 - Russian Federation

Today, I found out that I was moving to Germany. I'm going to be put back a year in school because of the system change. I also don't speak a word of German. Why? Because my mother wants to brag about this experience to her friends. FML

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By sosoram - 13/10/2018 05:00 - United States - Victorville

Today, I learned that the gentleman that found my wallet was not satisfied with the $300 cash and forged a check for a washer and dryer. I found out when I checked my account. It cleared. FML

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By inheritance - 5/5/2015 14:44 - Denmark - Lyngby

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She said, "Sure, but not yet." As we've been together for five years, I was a bit confused, but she cleared that up with, "Not until your dad has died, I don't want him to ruin my wedding with a bad toast." FML

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By Jim - 12/4/2018 01:30

Today, I dropped my car off at the dealership for a bumper replacement due to a hit and run in a parking lot. After being told it was ready, their shuttle picked me up, and backed up into my just-replaced bumper. FML

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By matchristityler - 9/2/2010 08:19 - United States

Today, my son pooped in his diaper and managed to somehow take it off without my knowledge. He then sat down on the carpet and imitated a dog with worms, all the way down the hallway, through the living room, and into my bedroom. FML

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By soul0eater - 12/3/2011 07:18 - Saudi Arabia

Today, I was at the mall and I saw a kid crying. I asked her "What's wrong sweetie, are you lost?" She ran away screaming "Help me!" I ended up having to explain to a dumb mall cop that I'm not a perv. FML

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By CPN - 14/3/2009 14:55 - United States

Today, I was curling my eyelashes in my bathroom and while I was counting to 5 my brother flung open my door. I jumped and ended up ripping out all my eyelashes. Now I have to wait until they grow back. FML

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Top comments

By JustAnotherKid4U | 5

#5567681 - Saturday 6 July 2013 5:06

At least hes making an effort to learn!

By dinosxxrawr | 22

#5567683 - Saturday 6 July 2013 5:07

hopefully he knows real girls won't be that tiny.

Comments

By JustAnotherKid4U | 5

#5567681 - Saturday 6 July 2013 5:06

At least hes making an effort to learn!

Reply

mikailanicole98 | 11

#5567891 - Saturday 6 July 2013 6:52

I hope Ken feels the same way..

Reply

BaselxD | 8

#5568019 - Saturday 6 July 2013 9:47

where else to learn anyways xD

Reply

hemz_fml | 13

#5568263 - Saturday 6 July 2013 16:35

Just imagine how he feels

Reply

phoneYuNOlisten | 16

#5568702 - Saturday 6 July 2013 23:32

Next FML: "Today, I was practicing eating out of a girl by using one of my sister's Barbie dolls. My mom walked in. FML"

Reply

archnarquibquib | 21

#5569034 - Sunday 7 July 2013 5:52

#114- OP is male...

By dinosxxrawr | 22

#5567683 - Saturday 6 July 2013 5:07

hopefully he knows real girls won't be that tiny.

Reply

LissaMccracken | 23

#5567752 - Saturday 6 July 2013 5:26

I should hope that'd be obvious...

Reply

ShyAnn29 | 14

#5567763 - Saturday 6 July 2013 5:33

23, sadly, you never know these days!

Reply

margojill | 13

#5567926 - Saturday 6 July 2013 7:34

Maybe it was one of those life size Barbies?

Reply

emilyjgraham | 34

#5568036 - Saturday 6 July 2013 11:04

Hopefully he knows real vaginas don't look like a mound of skin and nothing else!!

Reply

LeFrogDog | 27

#5568199 - Saturday 6 July 2013 15:55

*takes notes

By BromineAddict | 7

#5567685 - Saturday 6 July 2013 5:07

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

xlord | 27

#5567758 - Saturday 6 July 2013 5:29

*Looks at #3's picture. PLEASE USE CONDOMS WHEN YOU HAVE SEX.

Reply

fischerxx | 10

#5568663 - Saturday 6 July 2013 22:44

Cotton Hill. That's who.

By Doritozilla | 20

#5567692 - Saturday 6 July 2013 5:09

Why does this remind me of Adam Sandler!?!

Reply

pokemonchick14 | 12

#5567750 - Saturday 6 July 2013 5:24

Uhh, I honestly have no idea. Anybody else?

Reply

GoodLookingGeese | 10

#5568477 - Saturday 6 July 2013 20:30

"Are you talking to me? Are you talking to ME?"

By StanSmith2013 | 26

#5567694 - Saturday 6 July 2013 5:10

Gotta start somewhere...right? Hopefully he doesn't have a doll fetish.

Reply

carnage45567 | 10

#5567954 - Saturday 6 July 2013 8:07

Practice makes perfect

By Madzobrk | 3

#5567695 - Saturday 6 July 2013 5:10

hey, he is just curious. im sure his future girlfriend will appreciate the effort

Reply

SkyGuy32 | 17

#5567734 - Saturday 6 July 2013 5:20

Well I think the solution for curiosity about that is porn. Not licking a Barbie doll's crotch.

Reply

emilyjgraham | 34

#5568037 - Saturday 6 July 2013 11:06

Porn is rather unrealistic most of the time so no, don't use it to learn! I know a barbie isn't real or anything but that's better than porn!

Reply

Axel5238 | 29

#5568058 - Saturday 6 July 2013 12:12

To be fair if you take porn with a grain of salt and use some common sense it can be good as a teaching experience. Too many guys try to replicate everything they see and it doesn't work.

By spekledworf | 18

#5567697 - Saturday 6 July 2013 5:10

Give him one of those cream filled chocolate eggs and tell him to lick the filling out. I think he's better off learning that way

Reply

illegalbeagle69 | 23

#5568125 - Saturday 6 July 2013 14:00

Or a pudding cup with no spoon..

Reply

jessBeAqueen | 13

#5568835 - Sunday 7 July 2013 1:51

lmao #8 thats a first for me. I now feel the urge to runnout and get one of those eggs

By summer_2k13 | 8

#5567698 - Saturday 6 July 2013 5:10

Practice makes perfect

By DocBastard | 38

#5567701 - Saturday 6 July 2013 5:11

Wait wait wait, Barbie isn't "anatomically correct"! What the hell was he licking?

I feel sorry for the first girl he actually tries it on. He's going to be shocked when he sees all the different parts.

Reply

Sinistra_Blue | 12

#5568711 - Saturday 6 July 2013 23:45

"Why do you have a hole in there? Is that a birth defect?"

By buddy51 | 23

#5567708 - Saturday 6 July 2013 5:13

Giggity!!!

Reply

ShakeDisPlace | 10

#5567889 - Saturday 6 July 2013 6:50

Don't worry #11 I gave you a thumbs up! haha

Reply

illegalbeagle69 | 23

#5568126 - Saturday 6 July 2013 14:01

Don't worry, I made sure you had the same amount of thumbs down..