Today, my best friend and I performed a rap to our whole school.... - FML

By Anonymous - 26/4/2009 02:03 - United States

Today, my best friend and I performed a rap to our whole school. The rap was "made up" by our friend. After the performance, a lot of friends asked me why I did a rap from Hannah Montana. Apparently the rap was off of a show for 8 year olds. We are 17 and people think we watch Hannah Montana. FML

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Serious times

Tense

That'll be Kevin in accounting

By Anonymous - 17/7/2011 20:44 - United States

Today, I was riding my bike and swerved to avoid hitting a lizard. I ended up sliding into a bush and skinning myself, only to find my tires had still managed to cut the lizard to pieces. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/4/2020 17:00

Fetch!

Today, my boyfriend and I were throwing a toy for his dog. He threw it, and I turned my head in that direction, looking for almost a minute before realizing he didn't actually throw it. He's still amused because, "even the dog was smart enough not to fall for that." FML

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By Anonymous - 10/3/2010 17:56 - United States

Today, I discovered my water bottle had leaked and spilled water all over my backpack, ruining my notebooks, soaking my schoolbooks, and destroying my midterm portfolio. FML

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By Helpless - 16/12/2018 14:00

Today I had to tell my girlfriend that we can't keep taking care of her drug addicted dad because it is ruining out lives. We have a 90 day notice to move and I said I won't move to a new place if she is going to have him live there. Guess who is looking for a new roommate. FML

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By timon_n_pumbaa - 11/1/2020 09:00 - Japan - Tokyo

Second time

Today, I found myself locked in a bathroom for the second time in my life. This time at least I was at home. I live alone. I had to break the window on the shower door and crawl out. Now, I need to crawl in/out to shower, brush my teeth and more. FML

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By ticked - 6/10/2009 13:01 - Pakistan

Today, I was eating a packet of chips while watching TV. I saw a crumb on the table in front of me, so without thinking I picked it up and ate it. It wasn't a crumb. It was a tick. FML

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By Fabio - 29/7/2016 00:13 - Malta - Piet?

Today, my girlfriend started insulting me on Facebook. Angry and hurt, I let it all out and insulted her back with her obesity. Turns out it was her brother who used her account to play a "prank" on me. FML

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By Good Parenting? - 26/6/2015 16:38 - United States - Columbia

Today, my mother woke me up by putting a beer on my face. After 15 minutes of her telling me to "just take a sip" and me rejecting it, I finally did just to shut her up. She then yelled at me for giving in to "peer pressure". FML

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By Dante - 30/11/2009 07:07 - United States

Today, I got the repair estimate for my car. It is going to cost me $3,000 to rebuild the front end. It was wrecked because a couple decided to have a lovers spat in the middle of the freeway. I had that car for exactly four hours. FML

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By anonmys - 18/7/2010 21:47 - United States

Today, I was riding the train and saw a cute guy licking his lips at me. Flattered, I gave him my number when the train stopped. He looked at me and said, "Don't flatter yourself. You have mustard on your face." FML

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By crazyjohnny - 1/6/2009 06:52 - United States

Today, I had a really big debate in my English Class about the legalization of weed. My group had to state reasons why weed shouldn't be legal and no one except me had prepared. My partner came to class totally stoned. Our group lost the debate. We got a F. FML

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By dusk - 5/1/2012 08:09 - United States

Today, I won a lifetime supply of pineapples. One problem, I'm allergic to pineapples. FML

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By DUFF - 11/6/2015 21:04 - United States - Harrisburg

Today, I found out I wasn't invited to my neighbor's funeral, with whom I had been good friends with for a long time. When I asked her husband why, he said, "We have a small amount of money and can't afford for you to eat all of the refreshments." FML

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By cheaphubbyswife - 4/4/2009 09:19 - Canada

Today, I took my son for a walk to tell him about the passing of our family dog. As we were walking by the river, Ozzy (our deceased dog) was laying on the riverbank. My son thought he just ran away and we found him. Turns out my husband was too cheap to pay the 100$ vet disposal fees. FML

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By SwimmingInFear - 29/5/2012 03:36 - United States - Havertown

Today, I found out where my surprise honeymoon is; it involves swimming with dolphins. I have a huge fear of dolphins, whales and sharks. FML

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By Baby - 26/1/2017 08:30 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I was having sex with an ex when he whispered in my ear, "Who's my baby?" I, being very bad at dirty talk, said, "You." FML

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By painful - 24/7/2011 08:55 - Norway

Today, I was stuck in the car with my grandma for an hour as she described to me how she had looked through my great grandma's poop to make sure her calcium pills were being digested. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/7/2009 23:04 - United States

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend of 3 years. I got reservations for a romantic dinner, and at the end, fireworks would spell out my proposal. The whole thing had taken weeks to plan out and had cost me a lot of money. She proposed to me at a subway station first. FML

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By jace17 - 24/8/2010 08:34 - United States

Today, my parents threw out the beautiful birthday cake my aunt made me, and served celery sticks at my party because I need to "watch my weight." FML

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By embarrassed - 18/8/2014 16:39 - United States - Great Neck

Today, I went to a baseball game with my girlfriend's dad. I got a boner when they sang the anthem, because that's what I sing in my head when having sex with his daughter so I last longer. FML

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By Luke - 25/7/2010 22:47 - United Kingdom

Today, I was helping a friend move. Before we arrived, he put his key on my key ring to keep it safe. When we got there, he promptly shoved my front door key into the lock and snapped it clean off. Not only can we not get into his house, but now I can't get back into mine. FML

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By Ben - 19/8/2013 06:21 - United States - Louisville

Today, I found out that if someone flushes a toilet the same time I'm starting the washing machine, my house will flood. FML

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By - 8/2/2020 18:00

Crazy party

Today, I heard that there's a rumour going around that I was caught masturbating while crying at a party after the girl I liked got with someone else. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/12/2010 10:37 - Australia

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me by sending me a text. She was sitting right beside me on a 10 hour car trip, and there was still 6 more hours to go. FML

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By ygrowup2fast - 23/4/2020 17:00

Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

Today, my wife wasn't feeling well. She called her doctor, who isn't seeing patients due to COVID. Had to take her to the ER. After numerous tests, they told her that her potassium levels were low. Diagnosis: eat a banana. When we get the bill(s) from the hospital, this will be the most expensive banana ever. FML

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By BadtoWorse - 23/3/2010 14:51 - United States

Today, after thinking I smelled the aroma of stale alcohol, I asked my husband, who is a recovering alcoholic, if he has been completely honest with me about all that he has been doing. Bracing myself to hear about his fall off the wagon, I instead heard a confession of adultery. FML

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By downer - 25/5/2009 05:39 - United States

Today, I was feeling really down. So I texted my boyfriend and asked him to tell me why he loves me, thinking he would cheer me up. His response? "Don't bug me with this stupid shit anymore. You always ask such dumb questions." FML

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By VaveJessop - 5/5/2020 20:00

Torn

Today, my 19-year-old best friend decided she's going to elope with her 30-year-old, alcoholic boyfriend, who she's only been dating for 5 months. She wants me to go with her and be her maid of honor. She says she'll never speak to me again if I don't support her terrible decision. FML

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By TheLoneSoul - 13/9/2015 14:22 - France

Today, I received a call from my wife. It would've been great if she hadn't left on a business trip 3 years ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/6/2020 02:02

Mind your beeswax, Karen

Today, I was carrying some bags out of a store, and my shirt had scooted up a little. I had no free hands, so I ignored it. A woman stopped me to tell me that bare midriffs are only attractive on skinny girls, "not fat ones." I'm 6 months pregnant. FML

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By Whoops - 22/1/2013 19:18 - United Kingdom

Today, I was getting a haircut. The lady accusingly told me she'd have to thoroughly wash my hair before she started, as it was way too greasy to cut through. FML

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By John jacob - 13/6/2011 06:25 - United States

Today, I discovered a tick on my penis. After a long battle, he finally let go. Four hours later I'm in the hospital. My penis is twice the normal size. I may have won the battle but lost the war. FML

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By Salaryman - 15/2/2009 06:21 - Philippines

Today, I was instructed by my boss to welcome the 2 new foreign business partners since I am the only one who could speak their language. When they arrived I greeted them in their language. One of them scratched his head and asked his companion in plain and clear English, "What did he say?" FML

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By Anonymous - 7/4/2014 17:02 - Canada

Today, I noticed something written on the top of my toaster, so I used a finger to clear away some of the crumbs, burning my finger in the process. The writing? "CAUTION: Hot surface!" Thanks, toaster. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/2/2018 19:00

Man vs Boy

Today, it was my first day at a new gym, which cost a fortune. Some skinny teen who had clearly never lifted in his life dropped a weight while I was stretching and broke my ankle. Money down the drain. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/3/2011 16:07 - Canada

Today, I went on a dinner date with the guy I like. He ate all his food then started eating off my plate, going on to eat over half of my food. When the bill came, he made me pay for it. FML

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By ITM21 - 9/3/2012 06:43 - United States

Today, I accused a student in my class of getting his dad to do his homework. It turns out that his dad died 2 years ago. FML

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By katiebird - 16/3/2016 20:51 - United States - Durham

Today, my father informed me that I will have no chance of dating a good man if I keep up with these interracial relationships. And that he won't be supporting me through college if I continue this "rebellion." My boyfriend is half black and loves the same music, sports, and movies as my dad. FML

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By mapollis - 20/1/2010 07:33 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me for the fifth time, and all I could say was: "Can I have my parking permit back?" FML

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By Lois - 9/2/2013 12:00 - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, I found out my mother has enough toys to open a sex shop. FML

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Top comments

By themangostar | 0

#144215 - Sunday 26 April 2009 11:02

If they knew it was from Hannah Montana they obviously watch it, so just shrug it off. hah

By terimaa | 0

#144209 - Sunday 26 April 2009 10:58

cheese jerky?
i'm 19 and i watch hannah montana. :)

i should be ashamed but i have other things to worry about.

COMMENTS

By Lambshanks | 0

#144206 - Sunday 26 April 2009 10:57

Drop it lock it polka dot it!

You guys are so lame.
I only know the song because I enjoy performing the dance routine
Which isn't a lot cooler when I think about it =[

Reply

terranada | 3

#1250486 - Monday 16 August 2010 6:49

lol at my school we wouldve laughed and bragged about it!! xD

Reply

NeatNit | 32

#1336416 - Thursday 2 September 2010 2:17

How did all the friends know it was from Hannah Montana? That's what I wanna know!

Reply

anonymous1109 | 4

#1643116 - Wednesday 3 November 2010 8:25

^^^ win!!!

Reply

ohmywows | 0

#2149862 - Friday 4 March 2011 18:16

umm doesn't that mean that they watch Hannah Montana as well if they recognized the rap?

By twilighter_644 | 0

#144207 - Sunday 26 April 2009 10:57

didnt u notice the rap was stupid?

Reply

keatzpluscass53 | 0

#945439 - Sunday 14 March 2010 10:01

well obviously they're the ones who watch it if they're the ones telling you where it's from. ha ha

Reply

aoife123 | 0

#986928 - Saturday 1 May 2010 8:59

that's what I was thinking too! haha

Reply

hannah1203 | 2

#1367484 - Wednesday 8 September 2010 2:32

#2 didn't you know Twilight was stupid???

Reply

sammy0002 | 0

#1756451 - Friday 26 November 2010 19:53

:-o

Reply

effyoubitch | 5

#3331448 - Friday 23 September 2011 6:02

241- did she ask you to comment on what she likes?

Reply

DrOfTheInternet | 6

#3576611 - Saturday 12 November 2011 16:29

253- did he ask you to comment on what he thinks?

Reply

DrOfTheInternet | 6

#3576616 - Saturday 12 November 2011 16:31

257- did she ask you to comment on her comment?

By terimaa | 0

#144209 - Sunday 26 April 2009 10:58

cheese jerky?
i'm 19 and i watch hannah montana. :)

i should be ashamed but i have other things to worry about.

By OMIGODNOWAI | 0

#144213 - Sunday 26 April 2009 11:01

i'm 18 and love hannah montana / miley cyrus.
;|

By myMistakeLyss1 | 0

#144214 - Sunday 26 April 2009 11:01

err, hannah montana??can you think of anything better..

By themangostar | 0

#144215 - Sunday 26 April 2009 11:02

If they knew it was from Hannah Montana they obviously watch it, so just shrug it off. hah

By Anoonymous_fml | 0

#144216 - Sunday 26 April 2009 11:04

Yeah...
The question you should be thinking is how did they know it was from HM?

By 24788 | 6

#144217 - Sunday 26 April 2009 11:05

That would suck, but isn't she almost a billionaire? I guess it wouldn't be so bad because she made money off of her stuff.

Reply

kitkatt978 | 5

#2214926 - Monday 21 March 2011 6:47

she makes money from being a prostitute.

By bad_JUJU | 0

#144218 - Sunday 26 April 2009 11:05

"apperently" my ass u watch the show.

By Osakhomen | 0

#144220 - Sunday 26 April 2009 11:06

They knew it was Hannah Montana.. and I have a friend who's 20 and like Hannah Montana, and she's actually pretty cool/normal