Today, my 7-year-old learned "Smoke Weed Everyday" from YouTube,... - FML

By Anonymous - 27/06/2019 16:34

Today, my 7-year-old learned "Smoke Weed Everyday" from YouTube, and has repeated it so many times that I'm now singing it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 347

You deserved it 421

Taking stock

Hiding from the drama

Preventive measures

Portal

By OpenSesame - 09/05/2020 05:00

Today, at Walmart, I unknowingly chose the only non-automatic door to exit through. I stood in front of the door looking for the motion sensor while the greeters laughed at me for at least half a minute before I saw the "PUSH" sticker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 932

You deserved it 812

Vampires are everywhere

By Anonymous - 30/08/2020 17:01 - United States - Columbus

Today, at 1:30 a.m., a big ass bat squeezed its nasty body through the bottom crack of the door. My sweet little Corgi cowered on the bed as the bat flew circles around my head. I'll be moving now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 343

You deserved it 195

By RahiYeah09 - 17/09/2009 18:45 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was in the 'intimacy' section of Walmart. After grabbing 2 boxes of condoms and a vibrating ring I turn around to see my ex boyfriend's mom. I smile awkwardly and put my head down as I walk away, causing me to colide with his dad and send my 'goodies' all over the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 156

You deserved it 7 134

By funny? - 06/09/2016 04:43 - United States - Cupertino

Today, I had a big project due, but when I went to turn it in, I found out that I'd left it at home. The professor said I could turn it in tomorrow for half credit. When I got home I realized I'd put it in my other binder. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 368

You deserved it 3 215

By shattysituation - 31/12/2012 22:36 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I decided to try a new place to eat. On our way home we both had upset stomachs. As we raced into the house we realized neither of us could hold it any longer. Having only one bathroom, I let her go first. She exploded on the toilet and I exploded in my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 305

You deserved it 4 028

By green and not with envy - 13/06/2014 20:17 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my dad called me into the bathroom, saying "Get a load of this shit, son" and forcing me to look at the biggest, foulest-smelling turd I have ever seen in my life in the toilet. It's been three hours and I still feel physically ill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 718

You deserved it 5 788

By Jessi - 21/07/2010 19:32 - United States

Today, I found out that my husband was trying to cheat on me while I was away at basic training. I signed up for the service to pay off his debt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 741

You deserved it 5 765

By why?? - 24/05/2016 13:29 - United States

Today, I think I've finally gotten past the food poisoning that caused me to puke so violently that I pulled muscles in my abdomen and chest. Unfortunately, some of that vomit hung around long enough to give me a sinus infection. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 519

You deserved it 1 346

Goodbye, 7 years of sobriety...

By Mash-brakketz - 25/10/2017 22:26

Today a gasoline canister leaked in our work garage and filled my office with fumes. It got me high and nauseous even though I went out for air constantly. I had a meltdown and was sent home. I'm still high. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 271

You deserved it 266

By Alone - 06/05/2013 14:24 - United States - Chapel Hill

Today, my girlfriend found a letter I'd written to myself for moral support while we were broken up, in which I explained why we would never work out. Apparently I made a convincing argument. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 232

You deserved it 37 844

By ugly - 03/09/2012 08:17 - United States

Today, I attended my 10-year high school reunion. My ex-husband's new wife showed up in the same dress as mine. I guess both the dress and my ex-husband look better on her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 125

You deserved it 2 572

By tnh - 17/11/2011 17:39 - United States

Today, just like every other day, I was woken up 2 hours earlier than I needed to be, by the alarm belonging to my upstairs neighbors. They won't wake up until their real alarm goes off: me, pounding the walls and yelling in frustration. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 660

You deserved it 2 308

By Anonymous - 20/08/2015 17:48 - United Kingdom - Glenrothes

Today, my boss bitched me out for violating workplace privacy, after he found an FML post from last year that eerily resembled a situation that happened the same year. He thought I posted it and twisted things to make him look like an idiot. I've never posted here in my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 047

You deserved it 2 563

By GotMyBitchBack - 05/09/2013 11:02 - United States - Zanesville

Today, I got home from work and found my dog missing. When I asked my neighbor if she saw what happened, I saw my dog sleeping on her couch. She tried to say it was hers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 422

You deserved it 3 034

By DreeStahr - 30/09/2016 04:05 - United States - Liberty

Today, I was texting my boyfriend and things were getting a little steamy. He said, "I really want you right now." So, of course, I told him to come over. To which he replied, "Nah." FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 811

You deserved it 1 350

By C2 - 17/01/2009 23:17 - Australia

Today, at a party, I watched the guy I've liked for AGES come out of a bedroom with one of my gay male friends. They were in there for a while. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 299

You deserved it 3 119

By Anonymous - 04/06/2017 00:00

Today, my hate for my mother-in-law now outweighs my love for my husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 676

You deserved it 352

By justno - 03/08/2018 19:00

Today, my best friend of 10 years blocked me for no reason. When I went to her house to ask why she did it and apologize for whatever it was, she told me to kill myself and slammed the door. I still don't know what I did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 047

You deserved it 307

There's no helping some people

By Anonymous - 10/11/2020 20:02 - United States - Livingston

Today, I was helping a 93 year-old hoarder organize her home. She asked me to make ropes from old plastic bags, fold bags in a specific odd way, then fit four large boxes of bags into one smaller one. I said I couldn't do those, nor fit four boxes in one. "Why are you here if you can’t do things?" she said. I’m a professional home organizer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 587

You deserved it 275

By Shame - 19/09/2012 20:22 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my girlfriend had a bitch fit at me because I laughed at her idea of getting the Cullen family tree tattooed on her back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 047

You deserved it 3 592

By Anonymous - 13/01/2012 01:07 - United States

Today, I was singing the National Anthem at a school game and totally forgot the words. So I kept singing the same two lines over and over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 546

You deserved it 34 233

By Anonymous - 05/01/2010 05:00 - United States

Today, I overheard my parents discussing whether or not they could trust me being alone in the house for 2 days. They then came to the decision that I'm too unpopular and unattractive to ever throw a wild party or get laid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 604

You deserved it 3 253

By Orangehead - 28/11/2009 05:06 - United States

Today, I went shopping with some friends. We were tired from walking around the mall all night, so we decided to sit and relax at a table. I was about to close my eyes when I got smacked on the forehead by an orange falling from the second floor of the mall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 262

You deserved it 3 889

By Anonymous - 05/07/2013 04:59 - Canada - Newmarket

Today, my daughter asked me to get her razors. When my 19-year-old son saw them he asked what they were for, to which my daughter replied, "For my armpits." My son then said, "Girls don't grow armpit hair." FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 884

You deserved it 6 884

Office world is hell

By Anonymous - 11/07/2020 14:01

Today, at work I was sitting on the toilet and a coworker came in and yelled, “That sounded like a big one!” and wouldn't leave until I left came out of the stall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 408

You deserved it 128

Miscommunication

By Anonymous - 04/10/2020 04:02 - United States - Holmdel

Today, I went to a going away party for a coworker. I had brought weed for the party and at one point a guy asked me if I have a Grindr. I replied, "No, I don't use those dating apps. I do have a Fetlife but that's it, if you want it." He apparently meant a weed grinder. Most awkward 3 hours ever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 539

You deserved it 1 169

By Anonymous - 30/05/2009 03:04 - United States

Today, I tried to imitate Mary Poppins by jumping off a shed with an umbrella. I spent the next 3 hours in the emergency room. My leg is broken. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 205

You deserved it 245 845

By jane smith - 01/07/2010 12:11 - Australia

Spicy

Today, it was my boyfriend's birthday, and I thought I'd surprise him after work by wearing nothing but a smile on his bed. As I heard someone come in, I had a huge smile on my face. Turns out it was his dad and all his friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 436

You deserved it 17 988

By yeyt209 - 10/06/2012 07:46 - United States - Bismarck

Today, I passed out in my car in a McDonald's parking lot. I got woken up by a cop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 540

You deserved it 10 065

Lovely parents

By sigh - 18/11/2019 01:00 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, my parents forgot it was my birthday. They ordered me to scrub the common bathroom, and when I asked if they remembered, my dad's reaction was "Oh! Really?" My mom's was "I thought that it was next week." What lovely parents I have. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 222

You deserved it 171

Recycling helps

By Julieworld - 24/04/2020 08:00

Today, I was able to find the Facebook profile of my ex-boyfriend’s girlfriend, for whom he left me for. I had been curious about who she was, and when I zoomed in on her profile pic of them together, I noticed she was wearing the ring he'd got me for Christmas and that I'd given back to him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 577

You deserved it 782

Badass

By zzz - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Canada - Campbell River

Today, I was nicknamed "Sandman." Not after the badass Spider-Man villain but rather because my personality is so boring it puts people to sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 925

You deserved it 4 367

By facepalm - 27/02/2012 11:06 - United States

Spicy

Today, I had to ask my boyfriend to stop measuring his penis during our conversation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 052

You deserved it 4 322

By Anonymous - 22/09/2010 12:11 - Japan

Today, I decided to go for a run to try and work on getting in shape. Nine steps in, I slipped in some slimy moss, almost broke my hip on the pavement and gashed open my elbow. I'll be surprised if I can walk straight in the morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 066

You deserved it 3 978

By mallcop - 14/02/2010 05:07 - United States

Today, while working security at the mall, someone shat his pants. The shit dripped all over the floor and escalator. I was the one who had to stand near the poop so no one stepped in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 743

You deserved it 2 623

By Crombinator - 01/05/2015 05:30 - United States - Estacada

Today, my roommate was making a waterproof iPhone case and decided to use my phone to test it out. It didn't work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 334

You deserved it 4 022

By Anonymous - 17/02/2016 12:32 - Netherlands

Today, my now ex-boyfriend told me that I was the one. Not at this moment though, he wants to see how far he can go with his best female friend. But once he's done with her, we can be together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 318

You deserved it 1 878

By moorox45 - 16/01/2012 17:10 - United States

Today, I put on a pair of sneakers that I'd left outside, and went jogging. After several minutes of pain, I pulled off one of the sneakers, only to find dozens of baby spiders had moved in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 421

You deserved it 11 725

By Michelle - 20/02/2011 17:45 - United States

Today, my cat tried to kill me. While I was sleeping, he put his paws on either side of my face and laid down, covering my nose and mouth. While I was struggling to free myself, I could hear my sister laughing next to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 037

You deserved it 4 953

Cat vs. pancakes

By demix_fml - 06/10/2019 02:01

Today, it's my birthday, I knew I would be on my own, so I brought some pancakes, only to come down and find that not only had my cat eaten them, but also that I’d have to clean his barf up. Happy birthday to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 452

You deserved it 238

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Thursday 27 June 2019 16:39

I think the question on all our minds is how did your child land on that on youtube? At the same time.... kids of that age aren't as innocent as we'd like them to be anymore.

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Thursday 27 June 2019 17:49

As an elementary/middle school music teacher, I can tell you that you can’t trust children to navigate YouTube on their own. Your kid should be monitored when using YouTube and should have limited access, or more stuff like this WILL happen.

Comments

Send a private message

Thursday 27 June 2019 16:39

I think the question on all our minds is how did your child land on that on youtube? At the same time.... kids of that age aren't as innocent as we'd like them to be anymore.

Send a private message

Thursday 27 June 2019 17:49

As an elementary/middle school music teacher, I can tell you that you can’t trust children to navigate YouTube on their own. Your kid should be monitored when using YouTube and should have limited access, or more stuff like this WILL happen.

Send a private message

Friday 28 June 2019 1:49

I don't think you need to be a teacher to know that. OP should just have been monitoring their child on the web in general.

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Friday 28 June 2019 14:11

You’d be surprised how many students’ parents I see this issue with. Many lack your common sense lol

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Thursday 27 June 2019 17:50

There’s a YouTube Kids app that filters out stuff like that. I recommend it!

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Thursday 27 June 2019 20:39

Nananana na! It's the motherfucking D O double G!

postpunkfunk 16

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Thursday 27 June 2019 22:06

Does your kid say it low like Nate Dogg?

loliloveoniichan 14

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Saturday 29 June 2019 8:16

oh no... At 8 years old I was killing grannies with dildos in gta san andreas. Your kid will be ok

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Thursday 4 July 2019 6:18

That sounds awesome

randybryant799 16

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Wednesday 5 January 2022 4:13

Do you not monitor what your kid has access to?

Nearly

Today I ripped my lovely £50 coat on barbed wire, what I only worn a hand full of times, ended up having to spend £10 to get it repaired, have to wait till Friday to pick it up, it’s only Tuesday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 2

Today, a tech came to repair my cracked phone screen. He told me to remove my case and took it to his van in my driveway to fix it. Thirty minutes later, he rings my doorbell and hands me my phone back. He says he fixed the screen but tripped and dropped it walking back to my house, and completely shattered the back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59

You deserved it 4

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I spent all day waiting for an unlikely follow up text from the girl from Tinder I let peg me on the first date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 251

You deserved it 678

Today, I swear I'm off men for good after my latest dud date wanted me to pee on his chest to turn him on, and we were only 20 minutes into the first date. The entire male gender are disgusting pigs, no matter how nice they pretend to be. FML

I agree, your life sucks 633

You deserved it 804